Original subtitles

* Men. *

Can I ask you a personal question?

No, Jake, I've never measured my penis.

No, it's not about that.

I heard my dad say you're worth like a billion dollars.

You know, I'm not really comfortable

talking about my financial situation.

Oh, okay.

Let's just say I'd have more money than God,

if God only had $900 million.

Wow. You don't have any kids, do you?

Nope. Here, let me push the cart.

Thanks. So if you have so much money,

why do you do your own grocery shopping?

I mean, you could just write a list

and hire someone to do it for you.

You know, like a 17-year-old go-getter

with a valid driver's license

and no chance at getting into college?

Well, I could, but you know, since I've been single

I find I really like shopping for myself.

You're kidding. Why?

Well, take this, for example.

"Baco-berries." How could I put this on a list?

I didn't even know it existed.

I don't even know what it is.

What is it, anyway?

"Delicious dried cranberries infused with real bacon flavor."

Ugh, that's disgusting.

So... do you have a bunch of houses and yachts and stuff?

Two houses, no yachts.

You should totally get a yacht,

and then hire someone to drive it for you.

You know, like a 17-year-old go-getter

with a valid yacht driver's license.

Ah, yachts are pretentious.

I don't believe in ostentatious displays of wealth.

Besides, if I need to get anywhere,

I'll just take my private jet.

You have a jet?

Yeah, and I already got a go-getter pilot.

With a college degree.

Excuse me, do you know the difference

between "organic beef" and "grass-fed beef"?

Yeah, "organic" is, uh, no antibiotics or growth hormones,

but it can still be force-fed grain, which produces

a less nutritious product than cows that are allowed

to naturally graze on grass.

Speaking of which, you're very pretty,

and your accent makes me feel tingly inside.

Speaking of which...?

Cows, meat, cuts of steak,

London Broil, England, your accent,

(Cockney accent): 'ello!

Hello. I'm Zoey. Walden.

Nice to meet you, Walden.

Your accent's rather charming, as well.

Thanks.

Good luck with your meat.

Thanks.

And they call me Forrest Gump.

What?

She was totally hitting on you.

Really?

You should ask her out.

Okay.

Hey, Zoey, you want to go on a date with me?

ZOEY: Sure!

See, there's something else

I wouldn't know to put on the list.

* Men. *

Okay...

I can pay the Mastercard with the Visa,

and the Visa with the Discover card,

and the Discover with the American Express...

Now what can I use to complete my little Ponzi scheme?

Chevron? No.

Blockbuster? They're in worse shape than I am.

Starbucks gift card.

Ooh, hello latte!

Hey. Hey.

Oh, I know that game--

"Seven Card Screwed."

If I could just get a little ahead, I'd be fine.

And if I could just lose a little weight,

I'd be a swimsuit model.

Go ahead, say something, I dare you.

Oh, no, no. It's an apt comparison.

They both involve losing your ass.

Well, I hate to do it,

but I-I could ask Walden for a short-term loan.

For God's sakes, Zippy, the man is already

letting you and your kid live here rent-free.

Don't you have any pride at all?

Let me say that another way.

Why do you think he's letting you stay here?

Because he likes me.

Because he likes having at least one person in his life

that doesn't want anything from him.

Somebody he thinks cares about him as a person.

That's a good point.

What you don't want him to find out

is that you're just one of those nasty little birds

that picks the food out of a hippo's teeth.

No, we don't want that.

So, listen, uh...

I suppose, over the years,

you've salted away a pretty good nest egg.

You're not going to ask me for money.

No, no! Just making conversation.

Thanks for bringing in my groceries, man.

I live to serve.

Boy, I gotta tell you, Alan,

your son made one heck of a wingman today.

You make it easy, boss.

Baby bird doesn't fly far from the teeth.

So you, uh, you met somebody?

Indeed I did.

Beautiful woman. British.

Actually drove her shopping cart on the wrong side of the aisle.

That's a lot of credit cards.

Uh, yeah.

I've only got this one black one.

I actually bought my plane with it.

Oh, oh, oh! Which reminds me.

Hey Jake, you want a quarter of a million

frequent flyer miles? I can't use 'em, I got a plane.

I want a quarter of a million anything.

All yours, my man.

Hmm, where could I go that's a quarter of a million miles away?

How about the moon?

That's ridiculous, Dad.

I know, I was kidding.

No one's ever been to the moon.

* Men. *

Here you go.

State of the art.

And semi-portable.

Gateway computer.

I haven't seen one of these in a while.

Still works great. And it is loaded with software.

Quicken 95, Lotus 1-2-3... um... WordPerfect, Tetris.

I don't know, pal.

I don't think I can move this.

Oh, come on, help me out, I'm desperate.

As opposed to most of the people who come in here.

In my storeroom, I've got a couple of wheelchairs,

a fishbowl full of glass eyes,

and a "boy in the bubble" bag.

To be clear, they took the boy out of the bubble

and sold me the bag.

Um...

Uh, what would you give me for a pair of diamond cufflinks?

Oh...

Where'd you get these?

My mother gave them to me when I graduated college.

Is she your real mother? Yeah. Why?

'Cause these aren't real diamonds.

What?!

I'm sure she was a good mother in other ways.

No, this is the nicest thing she ever did for me.

I'm very sorry.

All right. All right. I didn't want to have to sell this,

but, uh, I suppose I'm out of options.

Ooh.

Oh, nice.

Steuben crystal, huh?

It is.

Your mother didn't give you this.

No. It was a wedding gift from my wife's parents.

I managed to sneak it out of the house after the divorce.

Uh-huh. Well, gimme a sec.

I'll give you $1,200.

Yes!

No!

I'll give you $2.00 to clean it up.

Where's your broom?

* Men. *

Jake, I'm ready to go!

JAKE: Coming!

Here you go, sir. The car is charged, washed,

and I put an air freshener under your seat

just in case you let one slip out.

Good job.

Hundred bucks! Thanks, boss.

You gave him $100?

Oh, hey, Alan. Yeah, he washed my car.

A hundred bucks to wash a car?

Not enough?

For $100, I'd lick your car clean.

Maybe next time.

Hey, I'm going on a date with that girl

I met in at supermarket. Do I look okay?

No, I look okay.

You look like the guy women fantasize about

when I'm on top of them.

Listen, I-I know you're still pretty new to the dating world,

but can I give you a little advice?

Is this about condoms?

'Cause Jake already gave me his lucky one.

No. Uh...

If you hope to have any kind of shot with this woman,

you, uh, might want to lose the wedding ring.

Really?

Oh yeah.

When it comes to dating,

wedding rings are like kryptonite.

If, you know, Superman was a... vagina.

You know, I haven't taken this off in years.

When Bridget and I first got together, we were pretty broke,

so we just exchanged these cheap bands,

but then, after I made my first million, I got matching ones

made out of rhodium and platinum.

In retrospect, I should've had them made out of poop and tears.

Wait, uh... what's rhodium?

It's the most expensive metal in the world.

To symbolize how precious our love was.

Well, that's... very romantic.

But again, it's Lex Luthor for lady parts.

Boy...

This is gonna be tough.

Wearing it makes me feel...

secure.

Be that as it may, you have a choice to make.

Either the past, or the future.

The memory of Bridget, or the promise of...

supermarket strange.

Here. Why are you giving it to me?

Because you're right.

I've got to move on with my life.

And this ring is just an anchor chaining me to the past.

Thanks, Al.

Well, you are very welcome. Enjoy your date!

Will do. See you.

(Alan chuckles)

My precious!

* Men. *

So the young man you were with at the supermarket

is no relation to you?

Oh, no, Jake... Mm.

is Alan's son.

And Alan is...?

Uh, it's complicated.

I'm fairly bright, try me.

Okay.

Um, when I tried to kill myself in the ocean,

Alan's house was the closest one with a phone.

I see.

You don't, do you? Not at all.

Okay, let me back up. Please do.

Okay, when I was in high school, I met this girl named Bridget.

Is it really necessary to back up quite that far?

You're right, I'll skip ahead.

Let's see... I got married right after high school,

happy, happy, happy.

Made like a billion dollars, rich, rich, rich.

She decided she didn't want to be married anymore,

sad, sad, sad.

In the ocean, out of the ocean,

bought Alan's house, got rid of the furniture, kept Alan,

got hungry, went to the supermarket, met you. The end.

Wow.

Enough about me. Let's talk about you.

No, no, I have a few follow-up questions.

The furniture?

The suicide.

Oh, it was just a cry for attention.

I wanted Bridget to feel sorry for me.

Well, that's rather pathetic.

In hindsight, yeah.

And the billion dollars?

I sold a couple companies to Microsoft.

Big mistake.

Oh, you regret it?

No, they do.

How long's it been since your wife left?

Four months, three weeks, four days, six hours and change.

Let's just call it six hours.

You're still in love with her, aren't you?

You really are bright.

I thought it was just your accent.

It kind of raises the question,

"Why on Earth did you ask me out?"

Jake told me to.

Alan's son.

Yeah, and also wanted to because I'm moving on with my life.

See? Look, no wedding ring.

Mmm, I noticed the bright white tan line.

Yeah, it's almost like I still got it on.

It is.

No worries. I gave it to Alan.

The man you kept instead of furniture.

Well, it wasn't an either/or.

What about you? What's your deal?

My deal.

All right, I'm a lawyer.

Ugh! Ech!

What else?

Well, I'm divorced and I have

a five-year-old daughter, Ava.

I always wanted to have kids,

but Bridget insisted that we already had one.

I don't follow.

Me.

Oh, sure, I can see that. (chuckles)

What do you think?

Are we gonna fall in love and stuff?

What?

'Cause that would really teach Bridget a lesson.

Hi, again.

Oy gevalt.

I, uh, brought something else for you.

My sphincter's tight with anticipation.

Platinum and rhodium.

Whoa.

Oh...

very valuable.

Did you steal it?

What?

I'm only asking because it affects my marketing strategy.

No, it was a gift.

A gift.

Mmm-hmm.

Heh. Good enough for me.

What are you looking to get for it?

Let's not play this game.

Just... just tell me what it's worth to you.

What is this, your phone number?

That's my offer.

(gasping)

Hang on a sec.

You know that's helium?

Hmm?

A down-on-his-luck birthday clown.

(high voice): Son of a bitch!

* Men. *

This was a lovely evening, Walden.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hmm. Well, better

get in, let Ava's babysitter go home.

Oh, is she still up? Can I meet her?

I'm sure she's still up, but no.

Oh, I get it.

You want to know make sure a guy's gonna be

around a while before you introduce him-- me.

Exactly.

So, maybe after the third or fourth date?

I don't think so.

Well, the fifth or sixth?

No.

Seventh or eighth?

I'm starting to get a bad feeling.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You seem like a really sweet guy,

but I think you're still kind of married to your Bridget.

No, no, I'm not.

I haven't been wearing my ring for, like,

like, almost three hours now.

It may be off your finger, but it's still in your head.

Face it, you're not ready to be dating yet.

Thanks again for dinner.

(quietly): Still married.

That is so untrue.

Bridget, you're not gonna believe what just happened.

* Men. *

Walden?

Walden?!

Down here!

Hey.

Hey.

How's your date?

Not so good.

Oh. So much for Jake's lucky condom, huh?

Yeah, we never got to condoms.

She thinks I'm still too hung up on Bridget.

No kidding.

And the worst part is Bridget agrees with her.

Well, I might as well put my ring back on.

You, uh, you, uh, want-want your ring back?

Yeah.

Here.

Thanks.

I had a feeling sooner or later you'd want it.

No. You know what? I was right the first time.

I don't need this anymore.

Are you sure?

I'm positive.

(sighs)

I feel better already.

(weakly): Oh, good.

All right, I'm gonna go inside.

Okay, I'm just, I'm just gonna hang here for a while.

Okay. Good night.

Yeah. Night.

My precious! My precious! My precious!

My precious! My precious!

My precious!

You saw that?

Yeah.

Probably wondering what it was all about.

Kinda.

Well... I often enjoy

a, uh, brisk moonlight swim.

Fully clothed?

You leave your clothes on the beach,

a drifter... steals 'em.

Alan...

I was trying to get your ring back.

But I don't want it back.

No, not-not for you.

Um, for me.

I was gonna pawn it.

Why?

What do you mean, why? I need money.

I can't possibly produce enough sperm and blood

to get out of the hole I'm in.

In fact, I went to the pawn shop

while you were on your date.

But you didn't pawn it.

I couldn't.

Wow, you must have been freaking out

when I threw it in the ocean, huh?

The truth of that stands dripping before you.

Listen, if you needed money,

why didn't you just ask?

You'd lend me money if I just asked?

No. I don't believe in lending money.

I just give it away.

(voice cracks): Give it away?

Yeah, I think it's a bad idea to lend people money.

They never pay you back,

and then you just end up resenting them.

So how much do you need?

Uh...

No, no, I can't, I can't take your money.

What, you're too proud?

Oh, God, no, I-I-I haven't had any pride

since the gym showers in seventh grade.

No, no, if I took your money,

that would change our relationship,

and I don't want that.

I want you to think of me as a friend and not a freeloader.

You don't think that ship's already sailed?

Allow me at least the illusion of self-respect.

Would it help your self-respect if I started charging you rent?

Actually, it would.

Consider it done.

Great.

Oh, I'm gonna be late this month.

No problem.

Probably next month, too.

Thanks for the heads up.

Okay. I guess I better go dry off.

Hey, Alan. Yeah?

You're a quality guy.

Really?

I have a lot of people that say they're my friend,

but you really are one.

Well, thanks.

Just-just out of curiosity, if I had asked for, say,

a hundred thousand dollars,

would you have given it to me?

Absolutely.

(chuckles)

Where you going?

Back in the ocean.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Oh, hey, Jake.

No, your dad's kind of busy right now.

What's up?

Oh, you used the frequent flier miles?

That's great. Where are you?

I have no idea.

Captioning sponsored by CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION

and TOYOTA.

* Men. *

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org