Original subtitles

* Men.

Morning.

Morning.

Oh!

We got Maple Loops.

* It's got oats and corns and wheat *

* It's the sweetest breakfast treat *

* It's Maple, maple, maaaaple-icious! *

Not a Maple Loops fan?

Oh. Oh, no, I'm sorry.

It's just, uh, threw me.

My, uh, my brother wrote that jingle.

Get out of here-- he wrote Maple Loops?

Yeah, yeah, he wrote lots of jingles--

Maple Loops, Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets.

Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets?

* From the magic chocolate mountain *

* There's a secret chocolate mine *

* With Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets and a taste *

* That's oh so fine.

Wow, that's a good memory.

What else, what else?

Uh, well, there was Hammerstein Beer.

* The girls look prettier with Hammerstein Beer *

* You like what you see, you like what you hear *

* Grab a cold frosty mug and pull her near *

* 'Cause the girls look prettier *

* With Hammerstein Beer.

I had no idea your brother was a freaking genius.

Well, he managed to live 44 years

screwing everything that moved

without catching a fatal venereal disease.

I...

I suppose there's a form of genius in that.

You don't talk about him very much.

Were you guys close?

Oh, yeah, we were, we were inseparable.

I mean, why do you think we lived together for so long?

Well, Berta says it's 'cause you're a parasitic leech.

Admittedly, that was one of his pet names for me,

but not true.

H-He loved me and I loved him.

Oh, oh, you remember this one? Uh...

* Bad stuff grows in the cracks of your toes *

* But nobody knows

BOTH: * Like Toezene.

Yeah, he said I inspired that one.

You miss him, don't you?

Oh, of course I miss him.

I don't miss the smell of vomit and lubricant in the morning...

but I-I do miss him.

Oh, what about this one?

* I'm a pepper, he's a pepper *

* She's a pepper, we're a pepper *

* Wouldn't you like to be a pepper, too? *

Uh, uh, no, Charlie didn't do that one.

Oh, it's not that catchy anyway.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

* It's got

* Oats and corn and wheat

* It's the sweetest breakfast treat *

* It's... WALDEN: * It's...

* Maple, maple, maaaaple-icious! *

Oh, sorry.

You were being sad, weren't you?

A little.

No, I-I can't tell you how many hours

I watched my brother playing this piano

or passed out under it.

One time I walked in and he was having sex on top of it.

You can see where the young lady's ass print

didn't quite wax out.

Maybe he should have used a coaster.

(doorbell rings)

(playing piano)

New business idea-- ass coasters.

We're here to pick up a piano.

Oh, right, I, I forgot.

Uh...

Hold on.

So I imagine you're anxious

to get rid of some of these

painful memories.

No, are you kidding me?

I mean, this piano is practically

all I have left of my brother,

except for, you know, all the DNA

he left on the couch and...

on the floor and...

on the walls and on the stairs,

but I'm not going to clone him, so the piano's pretty much it.

Okay, we got a problem then. How so?

Well, you know how I'm redecorating the house?

I donated the piano to a music school for underprivileged kids.

What?

How could you be so selfish?

I'm sorry, I'll just tell the kids

they have to keep practicing on a painted slab of wood.

No, no, you're right.

This, this should go to someone

who will benefit from it.

You sure?

Yeah, yeah, let me, uh, let me just get

Charlie's personal stuff out of here.

Oh, oh, here's some of his unfinished music.

Uh, panties.

Panties... panties.

Water pipe.

Oh, vibrator.

(buzzes) Oh.

(clatters)

So we're talking songs,

thongs, bongs, and schlongs.

If he had an autobiography, that would be the title.

You know, there was a time

when I would have found these things disgusting.

And now?

There's a certain wistfulness

mixed in with my revulsion.

(knocking)

Ready to go here?

Uh, yeah, come on in.

It's over here.

Thanks, we would've had trouble finding it.

I changed my mind!

You can't have him!

Okay, okay, Alan, Alan,

what about the kids?

Screw 'em!

(sobbing)

We're gonna need another minute.

Oh, Charlie, why?

Why, why, why, why, why?!

Why?!

White people.

* Men.

Hello, Dad?

Right here.

Oh, hey.

Something's different.

Your uncle's piano is gone.

Oh, yeah.

Were we robbed?

Yes, we're the latest victims of the piano thieves

that have been plaguing the beach.

Damn, they got my good bong.

What?

Oh, man, that is so wrong.

No, it wasn't a robbery.

Walden's redecorating.

Cool.

You know, for some reason,

your uncle's death is really starting to hit me.

I mean, I don't know if I was in de...

What are you doing?

Um, a toast to Uncle Charlie?

Nice try.

You're not the only one who misses him, you know.

Really?

You never talk about it.

I need a beer to loosen up.

Not gonna happen.

Now, come on, talk to me.

I don't know, Uncle Charlie just never treated me

like I was some stupid kid.

That's nice.

He treated me more like a stupid person.

Well, I know he loved you.

Then how come he didn't leave me anything?

Well, you don't measure love by things.

I disagree.

Nothing says "I love you" like a Mercedes CL600.

Hey, the Mercedes was leased.

And is that all your uncle meant to you-- a nice car?

Of course not-- I learned a lot from him.

Like what?

Well, let's see.

If it doesn't fit, don't force it.

It's always better to say sorry afterwards

than ask for permission before.

And if it's burning, bleeding, or oozing,

go to see a doctor ASAP.

(sighs) Oh, God.

But probably the most important thing I learned

is that by the time I'm his age,

I want to be married and have a family.

Really?

Yeah, Uncle Charlie was very lonely, Dad.

Yeah, yeah, he was.

And I don't want to be like him.

Well, good for you.

Of course, I don't want to be like you either.

Even better.

By the way, do you have a number for this Dr. Asap?

He's not listed anywhere.

What?

I mean, I don't need him right now,

but I want to have him on speed dial, so if I do,

I can get him as soon as possible.

ASAP?

Yeah, him.

A-S-A-P?

I know how to spell it, Dad, I'm not an idiot.

* Men.

Can I get you another appletini, Alan?

Yes.

Uh, no, uh,

make it a bourbon.

Since when do you drink bourbon?

It's what my brother drank.

Yeah, but your brother knew how to drink.

Hey, I watched him for years.

You don't think I picked up a few things?

Maybe.

It certainly wasn't women or checks.

Ah, there you are.

Oh, how'd you find me?

Well, you're depressed,

and when you're depressed, you drink,

and when you drink, you come here.

If you were a fat guy, I would have gone

to where they serve pies.

Hi there.

What can I get you?

I will have a ginger ale, please.

One ginger ale, coming right up.

Uh, I-I'm still waiting on that bourbon.

I've only got two hands.

Here you go.

Can I get you anything else--

slice of lime, peanuts, breakfast in bed?

Thank you, I'm good.

Oh, I'm betting you are.

(Alan clears throat)

Don't be clearing your throat at me.

Here.

Thank you.

She's nice.

To you, sure.

You live in a world of nice.

That's because I'm nice to people,

and they're nice back to me.

No, it's because you're tall, rich, and good-looking.

And nice.

Oh, please, that had nothing to do with it.

I mean, take my brother.

He wasn't nice, but he had money and looks,

so he always got a free pass.

Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

Actually, a few of the men wanted to be with him, too.

A couple of 'em actually succeeded,

but that's a story for another day.

Well, cheers.

Hi.

Hi.

Who's your friend?

He's a bloodthirsty psychopath

with a panel van and a rag soaked in chloroform.

Hi, I'm Alicia.

I'm Walden.

* Men.

And then, after he kills the women,

he peels off their faces

and uses them to make hand puppets.

Good night, Alan. Good night, Alan.

Okay, see you in the Dumpster.

(giggles)

Man.

I couldn't score a woman like that if my semen cured cancer.

Aw, Charlie.

I'll bet you're up there watching

and laughing your ass off.

You left a big hole down here, buddy.

And a lot of little ones.

I-I never told you this while you were still alive, but...

I would've given anything to be like you.

Even for a day.

(dog barks)

Hey there, big guy.

Where'd you come from?

WOMAN: Douglas!

Douglas, where are you, boy?

Up here.

Oh... pretty mommy.

(sighs) There you are, Douglas.

I'm so sorry. I hope he didn't bother you.

Oh, not at all. This is my favorite kind of dog.

Oh, you like labs?

No, I like dogs

that fetch me beautiful women.

Cute.

Is this your house?

Uh, not exactly.

What do you mean?

I mean, after we fall in love

and get married, it'll be ours.

Wow, you don't waste any time, do you?

Nope. When I see what I want, I get right to the B.S.

I'm Melanie.

Melanie Laughlin.

Oh. Nice to meet you, Melanie.

I'm...

Charlie.

Charlie Harper.

* Men.

* Men.

That was fun.

Yeah, it was.

You know, I was a little worried I wasn't gonna be able

to get used to single life,

but this "casual sex with no commitment" stuff

is kind of growing on me.

Wait, what?

Thank you for the intercourse.

Bye-bye.

(sighs)

Well, Mr. Penis is happy.

Time to take care of Mr. Stomach.

Good morning.

Morning.

You are an incredible lover, Charlie Harper.

I believe if a gal's worth doing, she's worth doing well.

(laughs)

You're terrible.

Yes. I am.

Hey.

Can your dog hold a video camera?

* Men.

Berta, how do you feel about casual sex?

I'm all for it.

Just let me finish the dishes

and run a comb through my hair.

Morning.

Morning.

Morning.

What are you doing?

Hair of the dog.

Oh.

Oh, that one's not dog.

Bye! Call me!

Oh.

I will!

As soon as I remember your name.

Who was that?

Oh, I just tapped

a little strange last night.

(dog barks)

Which one did you tap?

I'll give you a hint.

I didn't do the dog people style.

It's walking like Zippy, but it sure ain't talking like Zippy.

Yeah. I don't know him as well as you do.

Is he prone to having mental breakdowns?

Prone, no.

Eligible, certainly.

* Men.

Whoa, look who's getting busy.

Hey.

Mr. Harper, we were just making out.

Yeah, we all know what happens after making out.

Making in and out.

(clears throat)

Listen up, grasshoppers.

You know how they say that marijuana leads to harder drugs?

Well, the same thing applies to the human tongue.

It leads to harder organs.

Now, if you are not careful, you're gonna wake up one morning

with a big-headed bun in the oven.

No offense, Charlie Brown.

I'm begging you, please leave.

Relax, I'm just looking out for you.

Here, tell you what.

Take the young lady out for a nice dinner, on me.

It's a dollar.

You're welcome!

* Men.

I think we have a problem.

Your father?

Yeah.

He's acting like my Uncle Charlie.

I mean, he's even dressing like my Uncle Charlie.

The only thing left of my dad is his cheapness.

Well, Jake, he suffered a big loss.

People deal with that in different ways.

I mean, I still haven't processed the grief

over my marriage ending.

I'm... sure someday it'll hit me

that the most important person in my life is gone.

My soul mate.

My best friend.

My lover.

In the meantime, you just carry on.

And you to try to fill that void by having casual drunk sex

with strange, hot women that don't mind

if you dance around in their panties.

Is everybody turning into Uncle Charlie?

* Men.

Ah, Cuban in one hand,

scotch in the other.

All I need is a French chick in my lap

and I'm the United-freakin'-Nations.

(knocking)

Got a minute?

Uh, pretty busy, but okay.

Thanks.

All right, look...

People are really worried about you.

Hey, the only reason people are worried about me is 'cause

they can't wrap their heads around how cool I am.

Yeah, no, I don't think that's it.

Look, I know you miss your brother.

(scoffs)

Miss my brother?

That parasitic leech.

Not likely.

Hey, you remember that shrink that you sent me to?

Maybe you should go see her.

What for? I'm fine.

What's your name?

Charlie Harper.

You're not fine.

Well, I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.

Okay.

I'll tell you what, why don't you get some rest,

maybe lick your finger, stick it in a light socket,

and we'll revisit this in the morning.

You got it, big fella.

Who the hell was that?

* Men.

* It's got oats and corn and wheat *

* It's the sweetest breakfast treat *

* It's...

* Maple, maple, maaaaple-icious! *

Uh, what are you doing in here?

What are you doing in here?

It's my shower!

Once again, agree to disagree.

Okay, listen...

Whoa! Nice penis!

You could paint a face on that thing

and ride in the car pool lane.

Thank you.

Uh-oh, what's going on down there?

Call the cops; I've been robbed!

* Men.

ALAN: Great idea.

You and me, Vegas.

(chuckles)

Yep.

I am gonna show you a good time.

They love me in Vegas.

I'm sure they do.

Trust me, the name Charlie Harper opens a lot of doors.

And a lot of legs.

No kidding.

But be sure to wear a condom.

Not everything stays in Vegas.

Okay.

Well, here we are.

Really? This doesn't look like the Bellagio.

It's the, uh, back entrance.

Ah, not the only back entrance we'll be using this weekend.

Am I right? Up top.

(laughs)

Hello, Mr. Harper.

If you could just come with us.

Uh, don't forget my bags.

We'll be going to the presidential suite.

Oh, yes, sir.

Slip 'em both a sawbuck.

I'll see you in the room.

Will do.

(tires screeching)

This way, Mr. Harper.

So who's playing the big room?

Celine? Elton?

I'm gonna want tickets-- comped.

* Men.

* Men.

Hello, concierge? Yes.

Um, this is Charlie Harper in the presidential suite.

Uh, I'm gonna need a bucket of ice,

a bottle of scotch and two Asian hookers.

You know what, they're small.

Make it three.

Yes, thanks.

(sighs)

Winning.

Captioning sponsored by CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org