Original subtitles

Ah!

Nngh. Spch!

Ooh! DING

Is this a joke?

Yeah!

Mm.

Oh!

STRAINS

Oh, I like that.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, everyone. Welcome to Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies, or as I'm known in Spain,

the snake-hipped matador of authority, El Maestro de tareas.

When I asked our new contestants why they would want to put themselves

through the gruelling challenges of this show, the consensus was

they wanted to show a different side of their personalities.

Now, just two episodes in, they're all screaming, "Not that side!

"I've kept that side hidden!

"Why do you want to show that side?"

Let's see if we can calm them down.

They are Alan Davies!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Desiree Burch!

Guz Khan!

Morgana Robinson!

And Victoria Coren Mitchell!

CHEERING

And next to me, a man who walks like

a weird Victorian clockwork toy soldier.

It's...

..little Alex Horne!

I've got my, uh, latest invention with me. OK.

It's a prototype.

It's called an Alex, and you can ask it anything,

Anything at all, and it will answer it.

You can just say, "Alex, what's the weather going to be like tomorrow?"

TUNE PLAYS

Tomorrow, the weather in UK will be fresh. Fresh. There we go.

So any question, it will answer it.

Can I ask it who Greg Davies is?

Yeah, by all means.

Alex, who is Greg Davies?

TUNE PLAYS

Greg Davies was born in Wales in the 1960s.

Very old. Very old.

That's the end of it, is it?

That's all it could find out.

Right. On we go.

What's the prize task category, Alex?

Today, you asked them to bring in

the most old-fashioned thing that you still use.

I'd bring in my stirrups, or my petticoat.

As always, there are five points available for the best item

brought in, and the winner of the episode will take home all five

old-fashioned things and have the makings of their very own museum.

Stirrups or petticoat, is it? Well, yeah.

It's something I would still use, so yeah.

It's just amazing that stuff's... pre-written.

LAUGHTER

Morgana.

I've brought in me nana's whizzer. OK!

Yes, it's not a euphemism. Here it is.

They don't make them like they used to.

It's, it's built like a brick shithouse. Is it?

I use it at least once a week

and I think of my nana every time I whizz up a bit of aquafaba.

Right.

In order for this not to come last...

Oh, no!

..you're going to need to turn up the emotional knob quite a lot.

So are you very close to her?

She's in Australia. No, then.

Well, emotionally, yes.

But geographically, no.

So... OK. Last place.

Who's next? Alan.

I've brought in a VCR and a VHS cassette.

Yes. Ooh!

Yes. The player and the cassette.

And Jonathan Creek? A happy time?

Yeah, happy time, happy memories. That's how I once looked.

I always had that expression on my face throughout the '90s.

You are largely going with that face now.

I like that, Alan,

and it, it speaks to me as a man of a certain vintage.

Desiree, what have you brought in?

Well, I have brought in, uh, my chaise longue.

But now that I've moved to the UK,

I've come to understand that there are various names,

so I think this might actually be a fainting couch.

ALL GASP

that's nice. That is nice.

Yeah, I want to say it's from the 1920s-ish.

At least that's what they told me

when they charged me several hundred pounds for it.

And, you know, it's the kind of thing I can come home,

unwind, just relax and think about how fabulous my life was that day

and how even more fabulous it will be the next day.

Yeah, it's lovely. It's a lovely item

and before it goes to its owner, or back to you,

I hope I get to have a little drape on it.

I hope so too. I would like to personally see that

and keep that in the old memory file.

Whenever you want.

Right, I've been a bit thrown by a good prize, Guz,

so, uh, help us out.

I believe the key issue that we all face in 2021

is the social media.

All the time, we're being bombarded with shit

and opinions that be messing up your psyche and your emotional state,

so I like to detox from what they call the smartphone,

which I think is ruining the world, by using an old-school phone.

Ooh. Yes!

That is a lovely, lovely bit of kit.

Thank you, bro. And I've had that

since the day it came out of the box new, so there's

an emotional attachment to it. Has it got Snake on it?

It's got Snake 2 on it, bro, which is even better than the original.

Snake 2, This Time It's Personal?

Um, it's a, it's a genuinely good prize.

Victoria, what have you brought in?

Tippex.

Vintage.

Because I'm absolutely with Guz about the internet.

One of the other things that's wrong with it

is some kind of mistake stays there forever.

You do something stupid as a teenager, it's there forever. Yeah.

In my world, you type things on paper.

Don't like it? Bit of Tippex over the top, it's gone.

Well, look, I'm, I'm passing judgment.

Before I do, Victoria, are there any prizes here

that you think are worse than Tippex?

Well...

I mean, the thing is, I have all the other things,

apart from the chaise longue, which I covet.

So I've already decided that Tippex is better than,

than three of the things.

So you think I should put you at the number two slot?

Yeah. OK.

Well, should I, should I put four points to Victoria?

No. Let me have a little think.

No, I'll tell you what. Let's give Victoria one point.

One point. For bringing some Tippex in.

Oh, God, Morgana.

Don't! Look, don't.

OK. So is that two points to Morgana?

Yeah, I'm sorry. OK.

Um, three points to Alan.

Oh. Three points for the VCR.

Now, here's the controversy. Guz versus Desiree.

A lovely chaise longue versus some rubbish old phone.

But let me explain my thinking.

I just... I despise social media

and I love that Guz is just taking time out,

and I think it's a really positive message for the kids, I really do.

Yeah. But I am going to put you second.

LAUGHTER

OK, so five points to Desiree Burch. All right!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Right. Let's see a task proper.

Copy that. And copy me.

CHORAL MUSIC

Hey. Hi, Desiree.

Hello. Hello, Victoria.

Hello. It's really tight in this church.

You, you look a bit wedged.

It's a very good word.

Copy Alex.

Alex will demonstrate his actions twice.

Then you will have one attempt to copy Alex.

Closest copy wins!

I like this one.

Are you wearing your earpiece, Morgana?

Are you wearing your earpiece, Morgana?

I haven't started the actions yet. Oh, I'm so sorry.

You can watch me. Right. You can make notes.

Oh... Oh, OK.

Let's go.

MUSIC STARTS One, two, three, four,

two, two, three, four,

start.

Nine.

Oh!

Eight.

Seven.

Six.

Five. That's bad in the church. That's sacrilegious.

Four.

Three.

Two. GONG

One.

MUSIC STOPS

Stop.

Whoa.

It's very religious at the end.

Ooh, there's so much to remember, I've forgotten everything. OK.

How you feeling, Alan?

Oh, uh, very confident.

LAUGHTER

Very confident.

Could easily have been replaced by, "What does it matter?"

Mm. Just to copy you, haven't they?

Yes. So I should say, I did it twice and they watched me.

When they were doing it, I wasn't doing it.

So it was remembering as well as copying.

And they were allowed to write things down?

We gave them a piece of paper with the word Taskmaster on the side.

Yeah. And then they had one go to do it. Sweet.

Do they got rhythm?

Let's find out as we begin with Morgana, Guz,

and Greg Davies's brother, Alan Davies.

Er, whenever you're ready, you can say, "Let's go."

OK, let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

MUSIC STARTS One, two, three, four,

two, two, three, four,

start.

Nine.

Eight.

Seven.

Six.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two. GONG

It's really tight. One.

MUSIC STOPS

Stop.

Mm.

LAUGHTER

Ah!

PLINK

Have you finished? Finished, yeah.

Finished a bit late, I think.

I'll, uh, get out of your way.

Little bit in your, in your hair.

Do you want me just...?

Ooh, just give him five. That was so lovely.

Yeah.

I mean, the universal response to watching things like that,

and it's, "Aww."

LAUGHTER

I thought Morgana improved on your performance.

She made something new out of it.

And Guz brought a real intensity to it

that was lacking in your performance as well. Right.

So you're marking me down? Yeah. OK.

Because I think they did very well.

Yeah, I mean, there's a complicated marking system.

I looked at the timing, the number of moves, the order of it,

and then they got a bang-on bonus.

And they did get a couple of bang-on bonuses.

You saw they did the elastic bands at the bang-on spot.

I mean, that was...

Alan did get the highest score in terms of the number of moves,

uh, but he didn't get any bang-on bonuses

and his timing he got a minus score.

That's cos I couldn't really read my handwriting

cos I'd written them down whilst watching you.

Can I say something, yeah? I didn't want to air-shag the church.

He was air-shagging the church. I was not air-shagging the church.

It looked like air-shagging to me. Listen, we've all got eyes, mate.

You were air-shagging in the church.

It was a deconsecrated church, need to make that clear. Mm.

What I saw was you very dutifully looking up to God

and being like, "Thank you for this bit, this is really great."

Like, you looked really like, this is a glorification.

I feel like... Yeah. That's what I was doing. I feel like that was OK.

I'm sure you'll both be very happy together in hell.

Gary?

Gary?!

Gary!

It's the end of part one, Gary.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we're back.

Hello, and welcome back to another edition of part two of Taskmaster.

Yes, and before the break, I did a little dance, and the

contestants are doing their best to copy it as accurately as possible.

Last up - uh-oh - it's VD.

Yes, it's Victoria and Desiree.

SHE EXHALES

Let's go.

MUSIC STARTS ♪ One, two, three, four

♪ Two, two, three, four

♪ Start... ♪

No!

Oh! I think it's that.

Damn it.

Wait, is it this yet?

Boy. Oh.

♪ Nine

♪ Eight

♪ Seven... ♪

Oh, it's this time!

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

♪ Six

♪ Five

♪ Four

♪ Three

♪ Two... ♪ DONG!

♪ One. ♪

Stop.

MUSIC STOPS

APPLAUSE

That's too close.

I don't know how you made the rubber band hit the thing. Yes.

Goodbye. I feel like I've let down, like, God. I don't...

Goodbye. Bye. Goodbye.

APPLAUSE

Very good.

Very good. Yeah.

I mean, actually, Desiree did pretty well.

Her demeanour was someone who was absolutely getting everything

wrong, but it wasn't bad, was it?

Got off to a bad start, but really brought it back. Yeah.

And then I asked for forgiveness at the end at the exact right point.

Yeah. Well, Victoria, five bang-on bonuses.

Yeah? Wow. She was good.

Cos there was a there was an easy way of remembering all the moves,

cos there were ten moves and each of them starts with a letter

that spelt out Taskmaster. Mm-hm. Ah!

And also there's an easy rhyme, which they should've remembered.

So it's tiptoe, ankle slap, stop and shake

Karate chops, magic trick, arty snake

Sexy moves, toss up a treat

Elastic band, return to seat.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, I thought, when I saw you before the show,

you looked all excited about something.

LAUGHTER

Now we know what, don't we?

A lot of people will find that charming. Mm.

Not this guy.

Well, according to my scoring system,

there's a maximum of 142 points to be won. Yeah.

Not genuine points.

And, uh, Alan only got 26 out of that.

Then it was Guz who was second worst.

Morgana got 48 out of 142, Desiree 55.5,

but Victoria was by far the best with 64.5. Ooh! Wow.

So that's five points to Victoria Coren Mitchell.

Well done, Victoria Coren Mitchell.

Scoreboard time?

OK, we have Alan in last place

and Desiree Burch in first place with nine points. There it is.

APPLAUSE

Very good. So what's next, please?

This one involves an issue a lot of men suffer from

when sunbathing on a nudist beach.

Yes, it's a sandy bridge.

The lab, baby. Yeah.

Oh, I've got to close the door.

This is rather splendid.

Thank you.

That's a big egg.

No, no, everything else is small.

Is it?

LAUGHTER

I'm expecting a fire because there's sand and water.

You can really play God in this, can't you?

Ohh.

I think that's actual dirt.

What is that?

Thought it might be sugar.

I can't tell. That's probably water.

It's never going away.

"Make the highest sand bridge across the river."

"You may not leave the lab."

"Your sand bridge must support the egg."

"And the egg must be able to pass under the sand bridge."

"There are two bonus points for the most extravagant sand bridge."

"You have 15 minutes."

This is the sand, isn't it? Yes.

And there's just one egg? Yes.

Your time starts now.

OK, cool.

Just checking it's real.

Egg bridge? Lovely.

Well, I really enjoyed Morgana thinking she could play God,

walking in and trying to blow a tree over and failing.

But why would a grown woman enter a room...

..and immediately eat some sand?

I can think of no good reason.

She did say she thought it might be sugar, but even then, you don't...

I mean, this show just puts you in such a state where you feel like you

don't know what you know, and I don't know if I thought I was, like,

in Beverly Hills Cop or something, and I was like,

"Ugh, what's in there?"

It was, like, "Oh, it's sand."

Incredible. Incredible scenes before the task's even begun. Mm-hm.

Right. Who are we going to see?

Well, it's an incredible coincidence,

but we're going to start with Desiree and Victoria again.

Here they are.

Does the bridge have to be made exclusively from sand?

I think you'd want the locals to refer to it as the sand bridge.

My husband used to go to Swansea to see his grandparents.

He would say the Chip Bridge.

It wasn't made out of chips.

OK.

Isn't this how the kids do it?

OK, interesting.

Now I just need another ten of those.

Mm... I don't feel like this is how Brunel would've done it.

Simple as that.

How the fuck do I move that?

Does it support the egg?

Yes. Can the egg go under it?

Yes, it can.

Now, we just need the locals to call it the sand bridge,

which they will do.

Yes.

No! All right.

The underlying principles are there.

Just pop that on there.

Ahh! OK, wait.

No, this... That's...

No. No. No, no.

OK, right.

Just washing my hands in.

Ooh, that's nice.

Right.

Is this just a random crow?

I think it's a raven.

The egg goes under.

Can it support the weight of the egg?

Can I blast into the mountain?

There are two bonus points for the most extravagant sand bridge.

Desiree, this is nothing.

Finished?

Done.

I mean, that's a great bridge, right?

It's fine, is it? It's fine!

The cow's the problem.

Is it?

I'm done. I'd go quickly.

Yeah, I'm going.

Thank you, Victoria. Thank you.

Can I see it go all the way through?

Oh, yeah.

WHISTLE Thank you, guys.

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Wow. Amazing. Identical bridges. So similar, isn't it? Yeah.

They were very similar bridges.

Extravagance, to both contestants, is to put a cow on top of a bridge.

And Victoria's got quite a knack of making it seem like it's her task

and you're the one doing it.

Yes. It's sort of, "Right. OK, you're setting me a task,

"but I'll tell you right now, this isn't right."

And I can imagine Alex going, "Yes, yes. I'll do whatever you want."

It's a delight to behold.

You have this sort of, like,

unflappable authority that you just... That's it.

..carry yourself with.

Is that genuinely how it looks to you? Because, to me,

it looks like an absolute disintegration.

No, I feel that you could walk into any situation and say,

"Right, this is what we're going to do,"

and anyone in the room would do it. Yeah.

When all's said and done, your authority's impressive,

but it was a terrible bridge.

Desiree, I think you misread the task and you thought the task

was, er, eat some sand and then make some sand castles.

She made some lovely sand castles. She did.

Look, you've got this whole thing of sand.

The only way I know how to get it to do anything solid is to add

water to it, and then that didn't work, and then I was, like,

"Maybe if I get it compact enough, I can drill through..."

That didn't work.

And then I came to the same conclusion that the house was

the only thing that would ever make a bridge.

Yeah, I love the way that you list

the logical things you can do with sand...

..post-eating it.

OK. So, it's two potential sand bridge-making goliaths now -

Alan and Guz.

Ah, you're no help to me.

Sand bridge here.

Sand bridge there.

Water. Cos water's very fundamental to building sand bridges, ain't it?

OK. I'm sure that was on Countryfile or some shit.

Here we go, so...

I don't know...

I was thinking about making a bridge out of that

and covering that in sand. OK.

But that doesn't really feel like a sand bridge.

It feels like I might be straying towards disqualification.

Look what I've done.

I've utilised the cow to build a sand bridge.

It's starting to soak up the water.

If you can wet it, it'll stay on.

It's a bridge, ain't it? Yeah.

That's not sand though, is it?

Even if I put sand upon it...

..I don't think it's in the spirit of the task.

Got to go underneath too.

Yeah, that's my concern.

I'm going to do something drastic.

Look, I know... I know it's falling apart right now,

but look what I'm going to do.

You didn't think I had this in me, did you?

It might work. I'm going to let it rest on top of there.

I was going to say I've found a crow,

but obviously I didn't find a crow,

I just scooped it into the foundation.

OK. Now watch this.

Welcome to the world.

I believe that's passed through.

So is that a sand bridge or a cow bridge? Well...

Look.

How's that for extravagant?

Four minutes left, Alan.

The sand bridge is collapsing.

It was looking good for a bit.

I don't know what to do now. How long have I got? Not long.

You know, I've had this idea for 15 minutes now

and I've lost all confidence with it in the last two minutes.

Oh!

Should've done this in the first place!

Look, there's a... What's that?

Crow? It's a raven.

It's a raven for your bloodclaat egg. Look at that.

I'm done, baby. Thanks, Guz.

Hurrah! Sand bridge.

Egg passing through...

WHISTLE

APPLAUSE

Wow! That was sick, bro.

Interesting.

Alan did make a sand bridge.

He did make a sand bridge.

His bridge was all sand.

And there was high emotion on the way to the sand bridge being

created as well because when Alan had formed his two foundations,

and he got a bit exasperated and smashed them together,

in the studio, Morgana went, "No, Alan!"

LAUGHTER

I was tru... I was on the edge of my seat. Yeah.

It's incredible.

Guz, I feel like we're getting to know each other now

and I think you've got a technique.

And it's this - huge initial confidence...

..low score.

OK, but listen,

all we had to use was the tools that we had at hand in there, yeah?

Quite. There's a big... Was it wood or plastic, that house?

The house was made of a variety of materials.

I'll tell you what the house isn't made out of.

LAUGHTER

But it was still a sand bridge on top of the house.

So if I go to the Forth Bridge now...

Yeah. ..and I spread jam across it.

Advert time.

Go and make a cup of tea and continue fooling yourself that

you're watching this nonsense because the kids like it.

See you in a minute.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Hello. Thank you.

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

It's part three and we're in the thick of an architectural task. Yes.

Last up, it's Morgana.

SHE SIGHS There's nothing to use.

What happens now?

I mean, I've got a sculpture degree. This is embarrassing.

I'm going to do a couple of boulders.

Oh, look, that's cracking already.

This is a disaster.

Crow.

Troy. Do you know anything about Troy? Helen?

What happened to Helen?

I don't fucking know.

Do you know how they rescued her? No. Ah.

How did they rescue her? They didn't have a Trojan crow.

A horse. Ahh!

SHE GASPS

How long have I got? Five minutes!

Slight disaster.

Need some to sort of just... that's very sandy.

Strengthen the foundations with some rainbows,

and I think he's going to be quite welcoming.

You've got 40 seconds. Yeah.

It'd be hard to live here. Yeah. Right?

Oh, the highest. No, no, no, no. You've got two seconds.

You have to let go of your bridge. I don't. Well, you do.

WHISTLE BLOWS

I'm going to propose this to the council and see

if I can get some funding.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

They, they've, they've gone ahead with it, so that's lovely.

Do you think you would've go the whole Helen of Troy thing

without Alex's help?

Yeah, yeah, 100%. Do you? Yeah.

I've looked it up since, and yes. And there is.

Someone got in a tummy and then they got through.

Yes, so they got into... They got in a tummy? Yeah.

Interesting. Is it a sand bridge, though,

with all of those things to help?

Should, should we have a look at all five of the bridges?

Let's have a look at them.

Well, I can tell you that Victoria's is actually the shortest at nine,

then Guz is 9.5 inches, Desiree ten inches.

Alan's is a magnificent 11 inches.

Hey. OK. Morgana's 21 inches.

Ooh, wow. Well, le let's start with the obvious, OK? Mm-hm.

Alan Davies is taking five sweet points away. Yes. OK?

Well done, Alan. Yeah. Thank you.

APPLAUSE Well done, bro. Full agreement.

I'm putting Morgana in second place. Yeah.

In second from the top, with four. Yes.

Cos it's the tallest one, but you're saying it's not as sandy as Alan's.

Now, one of those isn't a bridge. Right. And that's Guz, right?

You pushed an egg through that mess. Yeah, I did. Right.

LAUGHTER

I'm going to put Guz at the bottom, I'm afraid, with one point.OK.

Right, so all I've got to decide is between

Victoria and Desiree, correct?

Yeah. Desiree's is one inch higher.

They are actually incredibly similar, aren't they? Yeah. Yeah.

And it'd be difficult to separate them.

If Desiree hadn't put that sweet, sweet extra inch on it,

so she has to take an extra point, I'm afraid.

OK. Who gets the two bonus points for extravagance?

Yeah, I'll give Alan one and Morgana one.

I've split the extravagance points.

So we go, well, Alan gets six points

APPLAUSE

One more, please. Yes, indeed.

And it's time to boot up, kick back, and watch the action unfold.

Hi, buddy. That was really cool. Did you like that? Hi, th... Oh!

That's a fun pair of wellies.

WHISPERS: What?!

"Film the most thrilling 30 second sequence wearing the wellie cam."

Oh, is that a camera?

LAUGHTER

"You have 30 minutes. Your time starts now."

You know me. I like to get things badda-bing.

Inside, outside, finished. That's how I like to do my tasks, yeah?

Mm-hm.

Don't know whether to just get the boots on straight away,

just in case anything thrilling happens while I'm looking for props.

I mean, if I go out the front door, fall over, that might

be the best 30 seconds.

Lovely.

It's an, it's an age thing that I can very much relate to,

that Alan thinks that the most exciting part of his film is

possibly him falling over.

LAUGHTER

Um, I can't wait to see them. Can we just get straight in? Yes, crack on.

Yeah, it's the most thrilling 30-second action sequence

and up first, here she is again, it's Morgana Wellington.

LAUGHTER

GASPS

What was that noise?

MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYS

GASPS

PANTING

SCREAMING

PANTING CONTINUES

SCREAMING

SCREAMING

PANTING

PLAYS PIANO BADLY

SCREAMING

Oh, thank God.

Oh, I'm here.

SCREAMING

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Superb. That is superb.

Thank you. Pretty, pretty nice start. Mm-hm.

I mean, when the third ghost came along, I thought,

"Oh, I think I'm starting to see a pattern here.

"Around every corner there'll be a ghost and Morgana will scream."

Then you pulled it out of the bag with the headless Alex. Twist.

Lovely twist. Thank you. Do you want to know a trade secret? Go on.

I played all the ghosts. Yeah, I knew that.

Like Eddie Murphy in Norbit. And do you know how I knew that?

Because on nearly every occasion,

I saw your horrible plastic slip-ons.

LAUGHTER

Next?Wellie, wellie, wellie, who do we have next? Victoria.

I'm assuming you're going to put some dramatic music on this,

so this is the title sequence.

BOND STYLE INTRO MUSIC

A crocodile swimming through a lake.

James Bond is disguised in it, he leaps out, he scales a building.

A beautiful woman is lying on a bed. You know what ensues.

But soon after, she's dead.

James Bond isn't responsible.

Yeah, he doesn't really seem to care, he's so icy, his personality.

There he is, he's drinking a martini and across the room,

the villain of the peace with a, with a cat.

There's the villain. James Bond shouts "Stop!"

The guy runs away, taking the cat, but Bond shoots him dead, pulls

off the cat's head, and inside, nuclear weapons and diamonds.

He's spoiled the plan.

There's M, applauding.

Bond is finished with his work and he's with a redhead on a yacht,

he's smoking, we know what's occurred, and Bond says...

"I always said the pussy was dangerous."

LAUGHTER

The end.

Wow. APPLAUSE

Right... Right, throws up that age-old quandary, was it creative?

Or was it lazy?

That's... That's not lazy!

I...

The, the, the creative process is in here. Yeah.

Not stomp, stomp, stomp through the garden. Mm.

It's the first time your authority's not worked on me.

LAUGHTER

Um, I enjoy the idea in a Bond film that the villain might store

nuclear weapons inside a cat.

It's the sort of thing they do. I've... I...

LAUGHTER

It, it's not the sort of thing they do. Yes, because there is...

And I think if they did do that, honestly, I think it would

be the end of the franchise.

LAUGHTER

Who's next? Next, it's the acclaimed actor

and film-maker Guz Khan. Lovely.

QUESTIONING: Who-arr.

QUESTIONING: Who-arr.

AGGRESSIVELY: Who-arr!

INDIFFERENT: Who-arr.

Now, who are you, blood?

Who are you, blood?

GROWLING: Who-arr. Mm.

MORE POLITE: Who-arr. Ah.

CONFRONTATIONAL MUSIC

DETERMINED: Who-arr!

GROANING: Who-arr.

LAUGHTER

HE SLURPS

Who-arr.

APPLAUSE

Right.

OK, now, I'm going to say something positive, which is I thought

your vengeful and dramatic drinking of a glass of milk at the end...

Yeah. Really, really elevated the whole piece. Yeah, yeah.

But the substance of the film is two farmers saying "who-arr blood,"

to each other, and then one...

..one of them throws a wellie into the other one's balls.

I think he started a new genre. It's like a Yeovil western or something.

Oh, listen, the... Yeovil western? That is exactly what

I was going for. That's what you were aiming for, yeah? Yeah.

We wanted, as a, as a filmic piece, to throw

you into the midst of this beef that we very rarely see farmers have.

Yeah. Do you understand what I'm saying?

His farmer ended up with the cow.

He stole my cow, and so beef is actually, uh... Well, I saw it.

..double meaning. Yeah. I... I saw him and your... WEAKLY: "ooh".

Was beef a deliberate double meaning? Yes, it absolutely was.

LAUGHTER

Mm.

It's break time.

A time for Alex's parents to reflect where they went wrong.

Spoiler alert - everywhere!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster.

Alex, what's been going on?

Before the break, our half-price Hitchcocks were attempting

to make a thrilling wellie-cam action sequence.

There are only two films left to see, and one of them

belongs to Alan Davies.

And this one belongs to Alan Davies.

So nice of Alex to let us have a little boat trip, Victoria.

But down there, I can see, oh, giant lizards.

Oh, that's amazing.

Wait, hang on a sec. How terrifying!

Enormous ducks.

"Cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep!"

LAUGHTER

Ooh, oh, my goodness!

That's the biggest du... Ahh, no!

Oh, no. Oh, Victoria. Can you speak?

"No, I'm underwater."

Ooh.

Oh, what a terrifying creature!

"Oh, my goodness, what are you doing in my bath?"

Oh, you seem quite friendly.

"I am, actually.

"I'll help you. I'll get your boat and I'll get rid of the horrible

"man-eating duck.

"Go away!"

Victoria, you've come adrift. You're face down.

You're...

Oh... Yeah, you look really dead.

I guess this is... This is goodbye.

We couldn't be rescued.

VIOLIN PLAYS SADLY

ALAN LAUGHS

LAUGHTER

Great film-maker. Very good. It is great film-making.

You know, you could argue that film's quite profound in many ways.

And there was certainly a very involved narrative

in which I think Victoria perished.

It was Victoria. But I don't think that was... Was that meant to be me?

No? Yeah, yeah, that's you, yeah.

So it was just a film about me drowning? Yeah, I think.

Well, you weren't meant to drown, but you came off the stick.

I was totally involved until we saw that wide shot of a man

standing in a bath.

And, for me, the magic was gone.

That made it for me because, like, I just saw a fully clothed man

in a tub and I was like, "This person's a great Dad." Yeah!

Gives me cockles. But he's not doing it for kids, he's doing it

for his own self aggrandising.

Who's next? There's only one more to see.

And that one is Desiree Burch's attempt. OK.

Cheeky little coffee. I wonder where they keep the good stuff.

Let's see.

Whoa. OK. Probably not there.

That seems weird. And... Ah!

Oh, my God. OK, that's actually...

Maybe it's in... Whoa.

What?!

OK, that's somewhat reassuring actually, but...

OK.

Alex? I think the house has turned on us.

Alex?

Whoa.

Alex, are you all right? Ah, get out. What?

This isn't a task. The house is trying to kill us.

DESIREE SCREAMS

This is a health and safety nightmare.

Linda! Linda!

How, could they?!

Maybe I...

It's a duck army.

Ah! Linda!

DESIREE SCREAMS

I'll give you all the bread in my cupboard.

DESIREE SCREAMS

APPLAUSE

Yes. Yeah, that was good. That was good.

Wow. I thoroughly enjoyed your film,

and, amazingly, the final duck attack was fairly chilling.

So, I mean, that house is so full of, like, years and history

and all these little knick-knacks, and I thought,

"You know, some of these have a history, they have a life

"of their own." And in this one, the house really decided, like,

"We want this bitch out." So it turned on me.

Wow. Watching you seriously describe the narrative of that film

really does show you what a load of old nonsense art is.

LAUGHTER

I enjoyed every single one of your films.

Oh. And it's a tough one to score because I don't think any of those

films only deserve one point. OK.

I think he's been unfairly treated in many ways because I think

that wide shot ruined it for him.

I'm going to give Alan Davies two points.

I'm going to give Guz and Victoria three points each.

Who-arr.

I don't know why, but that duck attack really creeped me out,

so I'm going to give Desiree five points. Yeah.

And Morgana four points, and that's an end to it.

There we go, Desiree Burch gets five points.

Let's have a look at the scores.

OK, well, Guz is in last place with ten.

At the other end of the leader board, Desiree has 17 points.

Ah, there it is.

Right, for a change, please can just Alan

and Guz head up to the stage for the final task of the show?

Good.

Who's going to read the task out?

I think Alan Davies should read the task out.

Which one's Alan, Alex?

OK. Correctly guess your team-mate's object.

Your team-mate will represent their object through the medium of shadows

on the screen.

Fastest correct guess wins two actual points per round.

Yes, so this is a team task. Aha.

It is Alan and Victoria versus Guz, Morgana, and Desiree.

They're both doing different things, I should make that clear. OK.

There will be three goes.

OK, when I blow the whistle, you may read your card

and start silhouetting.

WHISTLE BLOWS

An interesting fact, they're actually facing us,

but it looks like they're facing the other way. Are they?!

Isn't that weird? Yeah. Right.

The dove of peace...

..vomits forth...

..a message.

On this occasion, it's one word on each card for this. Just one word.

Yeah. Guz, what are you actually doing?

Morgana, any guesses?

Something... It's teeth. It's something with teeth.

Yes.

I think Guz has cut out a silhouette of himself and left the building.

LAUGHTER

Well, that's... Get away. Uh, it's a tank? Get away.

Uh... It is a tank! First guess gets it correct.

Oh, my God. So Guz... Nice. ..has nailed it. Oh, Alan, I'm so sorry.

OK. We're going to wait to see if Victoria can guess...

Oh. Uh, something with a lot of sharp teeth.

Correct. And fork is emerging from it. It's not a fork.

A tonsillectomy?

No. A dragon?

It is a dragon! It is a dragon.

Ooh. Now, Guz has won his team two points.

But next, it's Morgana and Victoria to go behind the screen.

Please. Go on, Morg!

When I blow the whistle, you can read your card

and start silhouetting.

WHISTLE BLOWS

At the card-reading stage, Greg.

Ooh, snake. Walk like an Egyptian.

But there's snake down in hell.

So is... Demon, serpent.

Oh, there's like a fa... Limbo dancer.

A bird is eating a snake. Uh, no.

A river? A tiny...

A worm.

Bird eats the worm? The early bird gets the worm?

It is a worm.

OK. Guz didn't say a word, But Desiree has earned two points.

In bed! You're in bed.

We're now just waiting to see if Alan... Blanket?

Yes. It was a blanket.

There. Only just behind. Nice.

So the group of three get another two points.

Team of three.

So there's one more round to go, Greg.

Yes. Alan's back and this time, he's up against Desiree Burch.

Off you go.

Alan and Victoria, you're yet to get a point here, so good luck.

Let's shadow. WHISTLE BLOWS

Oh, wow.

A jeweller?

Uh, detective.

Eyeglass?

Magnifying glass.

Sherlock Holmes.

Clues. I had you lot waiting ages, didn't I?

The sun, a ball. Microscope.

It's a circle.

WHISTLE BLOWS It is a microscope.Well done, Alan.

Brilliant. The team of two get their first point. Wow.

Yay. But let's see what Desiree comes up with.

I was going to suggest dragon, again. Ooh.

Wrecking ball! Wrecking ball.

It is a wrecking ball.

Please come down and we'll see how that's affected the final scores.

APPLAUSE

Lovely shadow work.

The team of two gained two points,

the team of three gained four points each.

Nice. Lovely. Hm.

So I've got some final scores.

Please. Mm.

Well, I can first of all tell you that Victoria

has come last for the third show in a row.

Wow.

And this episode's winner is now the series leader and that,

with 21 points, is Desiree Burch.

Desiree Burch.

Desiree Burch won.

Please, go and attempt your old-fashioned parade.

So what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that life is unfair.

Human beings are fallible, and art can be cruelly subjective.

We've also learnt Desiree Burch eats sand.

Thank you for watching.

Take good care of each other, but first,

let's applaud the glory of tonight's winner, once more.

Desiree Burch!

APPLAUSE