Original subtitles

Fighting pool, fighting pool. One's a dork but the other's cool.

Spin the web, shoot a gun. Find your girl, get her done. Watch out!

Get on the fighting pool.

If a foot's tight, they will bang her all night.

Cut you down, and you'll shit out of luck.

Fighting pool.

Hey man, whenever there's some hot bit, they're gonna pull out that bit.

Here comes Friday Fool!

Sorry, the library asked me to work a double night shift.

You said that double shift didn't have to be one's hair and she used it.

Was it something I said?

No, silly.

You had the audition and my alarm didn't go off.

Okay, Emily's stupid audition.

What'd you say?

I said... I said great.

You know, you could always come with me for the new Deadpool movie.

Can you find Reynolds?

Well, I'd love to.

But I gotta...

I gotta finish that chemistry paper.

It's due tomorrow.

Bummer. Pain tiger.

Such a bookworm.

How do I look?

Amazing.

After my audition, I'm going to meet Alicia at the Village Village.

Should be done around 4.

Do you believe?

You bet.

Great. See you later, handsome.

And turn the face toward the light. That is perfect, perfect.

Can I help you?

Oh, uh, yes. Hi, I'm Mary Jane Watson.

I'm here to read for the role of Satana Hellstrom.

Sure.

Let me get your ID.

Thank you.

Here's some paperwork.

If you'll please fill that out and have a seat. I'll get back to you in a

minute.

What? Are we over time?

No, we're not over time. I rented the theater for 26 hours.

This should be fine.

You scared the shit out of me, man.

What? Look, there's a young lady here who wants to read her role in Saving the

Tartar. Oh, we already cast Jessica Drake and it's perfect.

Yeah, well, I think we should take a look at her.

You know, I think the carpets match the drapes, you know what I mean?

Hmm.

I don't know. She kind of looks like a can of James with dried hair, but sure.

Let's figure it out.

DP? What's wrong? Everybody clear the stage!

Oh, great. I got it.

You know,

being back here on the board reminds me of my early days in theater.

To be or not to be.

That is the question.

James! James!

James!

Please clear the stage.

Yes, of course.

Good luck, uh, miss.

Watson. Mary Jane Watson.

Enchanté.

I'm James LeBleu, agent of the stars.

Pleasure to meet you.

Pleasure to meet you.

Are you, um, Mr.

Reynolds? Mr.

Oh, oh, yes, yes, of course I do.

James, get off the fucking stage.

How many times do I have to say this?

Kitten had clogs.

Thank you. Good luck.

Call me.

Uh, hi, everyone. My name is Mary Jane Watson.

People call me MJ.

I just want to say that this is truly an honor and a privilege. All right, let's

move it along, shall we? Yes, of course.

Um, well...

I'd be reading with Ryan.

I mean, I can totally read with a stand -in or even alone.

But, as you know, this scene does call for somewhat physical interaction with

Deadpool, and I thought maybe my character... Yes, Deadpool, Deadpool,

problem. You can read with Deadpool.

Wade, please come back to the stage.

Wade, of course.

Method, never be character.

Sorry, sorry. I was just, uh, pinching a loaf in the sink.

What?

Public toilets gross me out.

Hi.

And... Action!

Actually, would you mind if I take my teeth out real quick?

All right.

And... Action!

I think I have one more thing.

Would it be possible for me to go by in the curtain and come out?

Sure.

Is she okay?

Action!

At last, my love.

We are reunited.

Our lives can begin to intertwine once again.

You and I have much in common. You see, we are both lost

souls in the realm of darkness.

But together, we can call with souls.

Hearts and lovers, so they can touch us all together.

Take your hand and lay it on my bosom.

He needs to feel the closeness.

All right, let me ask you something.

If you were to be cast in this role, are you willing to shave your head, gain 40

pounds, and get a face tattoo?

What?

Yes. Yes, absolutely.

All right, we'll let you know.

Thanks. Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Good luck.

Yes, Tommy, I understand.

Yes.

And you tell that Zendaya to stop blowing up my phone already.

I'm not one of those dime -a -dozen CAA agents.

I'm James LeBlow, damn it.

Show me some respect.

I'm so sorry, Tommy.

It's my blood sugar.

Hey there.

Hi. You know, I have to tell you, I thought your acting was really, really

Really?

Yeah, really. It made my ball feel all warm and fuzzy.

Oh my God, Ryan, you're hilarious.

Ryan?

Hey, um, I don't mean to, like, fangirl, um, but...

I know we're probably going to end up working together anyway.

I was wondering if I could get your autograph.

I've been a fan for, like, such a long time.

I even used to have a Van Wilder poster in my dorm room.

Uh, yeah.

No problem at all.

Hey, do you have a piece of paper?

Or do you want me to sign your boobies?

Yes, thank you.

Okay, I'll get back then.

Face it, tiger.

You just hit the jackpot.

Okay.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, what's your name again?

Oh, whatever. Who gives a fuck?

You're just the red devil.

Oh.

Oh.

You're perfect for this role.

Oh, yeah.

Satan's daughter, here we come.

That's right.

Repeat, what are you doing?

You're re -questioned.

For the love of God, we cannot do this anymore.

Remember what happened to Weinstein?

You know, I always told Harv, I said, this whole massage thing, I mean,

You're fat, you're ugly.

Oh, not again.

You're welcome.

Again.

Now, where were we?

What's your name?

Mary Jane Watson. Oh, fuck.

Mary Jane Watson. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

oh my god

I get it.

Oh, my God, no.

Oh my god. Oh my god.

Oh my

god.

There you go.

I'm going to get the other ear.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh my god, yes, yes.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Oh my god, yes.

Oh my god.

Yes,

taste it.

Oh shit.

Thank you.

Oh, you're freaky.

You know where this mask has been.

oh oh

Oh.

Oh!

Oh my god, Ian.

Oh my

god, Ian.

Ian. Ian.

Thank you.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

All you want to taste that gum.

Oh, yeah.

Wow. I told

you. You hit the fucking jackpot.

Oh my god, how amazing.

Thank you, Ryan.

Oh yeah, I've been meaning to ask you.

Who's this Ryan guy?

Honey,

I'm home.

Wait in the bed.

You're the living Virginia, not a mean wall crawler.

What the hell are you even doing here? I could ask you the same thing.

By the way, huge fan of your movies.

Teary -dough -eyed Tobey Maguire with that sweet lisp.

So adorable.

And I don't know how I felt about Tom Holland.

Tell us how I'm doing Umbrella and Lip Sync Battle.

Holy shit, that boy can dance.

They should cast him as Fred Astaire, am I right?

Dude. And Garfield. Wow, he's great in Social Network.

But he just isn't right for Spidey. I mean, for the love of fuck, he's

That's like having a Yankee play James Bond. And that's just a big no -no.

Tom Holland is British, too. What?

Dude, what are you doing here?

Ah, jeez.

You're so nosy.

You know, I'm not one to kiss and tell, but I boned this super hot redhead, and

she's got her IDs.

So I thought I'd come over here, maybe we could do something together.

Like anal. Wait, you did what?

You know.

Boned. Oh, God.

I know, right?

Funny story.

We were doing auditions for my newest porn parody, and this smoking hot chick

showed up.

I mean, she was all over me. She kept calling me Ryan.

Anyway, long story short, we made the chimmy fucking chocos, if you catch my

drift. And she was... She's my girlfriend, you asshole.

What? You're Ryan.

No.

I'm... My name is Peter.

Oh.

Well.

Peter, any consolation?

You're super cute.

By curious, by chance.

We have to undo this. There has to be a way.

I hate to break it to you, PDO, but there's a slight difference between your

girlfriend and a light bulb.

You can unscrew a light bulb.

Okay.

That wasn't bad taste.

I apologize.

And you know what? I'm going to help you fix this.

Let me buy you a drink.

I don't drink.

Oh, recovering alcoholic?

Teetotaler. Huh?

I abstain from alcoholic beverages as a choice.

But I respect it.

You'll see from other fun things like sex that might be the... Do you want me

shoot my web up your ass?

Totally overstep.

Got it. Yeah.

By the way, the butter web thing is kind of hot.

I got

it.

We got it turned back time.

Right. You got a time machine in your pocket, Brainiac?

No, Mr. Sarcastic, but I may just know someone who can do the trick.

Uh, are you sure this is it?

Yeah, like totes.

It just doesn't really strike me as a superhero house.

Right. As opposed to that roach -infected dump that you and Firecrotch

Dude, can you not... Yeah, this is definitely the place.

Yeah.

Now let's go get her, Packard.

Come on.

Oh, Monica.

Or what did I call you?

Photon.

Yeah. I'm not falling for that one.

I thought Captain Marvel was your class.

Oh! Oh, that's so good.

Actually, I go by Spectrum now.

Spectrum? You think you could get me a discount on my internet?

Whoa.

Hey, you might want to be nice to her.

She's the one that can actually help you.

Bitch! I'm not helping you two motherfuckers do shit. I'm going on a

A sabbatical?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Look, just hear us out. It's for a really good cause.

Pretty pretty please with the cherry on top

Yeah,

great You

gotta be shitting me

Had no way of fucking knowing I mean to be perfectly honest. She was on fire. I

mean she went ballistic when I said no more wait Sorry, I know

Seriously, what are you, like, 16?

You know, 16 was a very hard age for me.

My hormones were raging, my body was blaspheming.

I felt trapped, like a hyena in heat, unable to release these lucky thoughts

that constantly threatened to erupt from within myself.

At night, I wake up with the sheets soaking wet and a freight train running

through the middle of my head.

When I was 16, I had acne and played the accordion in the marching band.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can see that.

So let me get this straight.

You guys want to go back in time before this fool intercourses with your

girlfriend? She's actually my fiancée.

Uh -huh.

That's true.

Didn't come to the wedding. The groom.

Well, I'm afraid time travel is just out of the scope of my power.

I can't do it.

But I know someone who can.

You better have a good fucking reason for calling me here.

Well, it's kind of like a charity case.

What?

Sugar tits!

Well, hello, Steven.

By the wondrous wands of Watum, Carol, have you gone mad?

I have a doorbell.

And a front door for crying out loud.

Well, you know me. I like to make an entrance.

Okay, that was, like, totally dope.

Actually, yeah, I think you missed a tiny little spot there right in the

But yeah, yeah, totally dope.

Boys?

Meet Dr. Stephen Strange.

Wait, you're the Steve Strange?

Like, from Visage?

You are stupid.

In the name of the Tread Dormammu, no.

I'm a world -renowned neurosurgeon turned Sorcerer Supreme and Master of

Mystic Arts. Wait, you're a surgeon?

Do you know how to treat an anal prolapse?

Ah, that'd be rude.

Fred.

Carol, a word?

By the Sons of Satanish, what are you doing?

I'm just trying to help Underoos back here.

He needs to go back in time and fix something bad.

Carol, you of all people know there are consequences to messing with time.

Things can go terribly wrong.

I know, I know.

But this is a situation of like life or death.

Who died?

Nobody.

He just needs to go back in time and unfuck his girlfriend.

Are you serious?

Dead serious.

Come on, Steven.

Just a little spell.

Be a good boy.

Please.

Now call upon the energy of the 12 moons of Munaflore.

12 moons?

Serious?

How about 13?

Stop tampering with the bell!

Sorry.

Get out of the doodle.

Your dick is now a noodle.

Jesus, what are you, 12?

No, actually, I'm 18.

And I consent.

Stop!

Did it work?

I... I don't know.

But he could be in any one of 14 ,605 ,000 realities.

Hey, uh, Doc?

Shouldn't you have sent me back too?

You kind of sent it back to undo something I did.

I know you're like a wizard and all, but it really just doesn't make any sense.

Thank you.

So, Carol, tell me why you're really here.

What do you mean?

I just wanted to...

If you wanted to turn back time, you could have just flown around the world

backwards at FTL speed like you did in Captain Marvel XXX.

Yeah, that is true.

But you can only pull the same bullshit off so many times until people start to

realize it just doesn't make any scientific sense.

Well said.

And if I'm being absolutely honest, I just wanted

an excuse to come see you.

affected as much ever since our night at the bar I just haven't been able to

stop thinking about you I thought you said that that night wasn't a thing

what can I say you've got the magic touch

Are you going to lose this cape or keep it on the whole time?

Maybe you can levitate for me.

No, I can tell it to go.

Can almost be like the night at the bar.

Marvelous.

This gift doesn't make me comfortable in the library here.

Wow.

Look at that.

I'm going to

use your library as my personal office.

It's mine!

Thank you.

Yeah, he has a weapon that you must take.

Do you want to put your cock back in there?

uh -huh

Thank you.

taste is good too.

Hello, Peter.

Who are you?

I am you.

Okay, I may not be sure of many things, but one thing I do know, I don't have

double -D jugs.

I didn't say I was Peter Parker.

I'm just living your life.

I don't understand.

Where am I?

Earth -65.

Still Earth, just another reality of it.

You're kidding me.

God, Dr. Strange is a quack. Yeah.

You should know better than to trust doctors. I mean, Morbius, Octopus, Doom.

Get a grip, dude.

So I'm guessing I'm on Earth 1?

Earth 616.

Seriously? Alan Moore actually wanted to call it Earth 666, but that didn't fly.

Yeah, I bet.

So what's your story?

My story is your story.

See, in my world, I was the one bitten by the radioactive spider who became the

wall -crawling math vigilante.

They call me Spider Woman.

That's what they came up with? I mean, based off your costume, I would think of

something like Ghost Spider or something.

Hmm.

Catchy. Well, what about me? Is there...

A me here?

Well, there was.

Oh, crap.

Yeah. Then again, everyone in school did call you Pathetic Parker, so

not much of a loss.

Ouch. Well, if the spider bit you, what was I... You

turned into the lizard.

Oh, gross.

Yeah. And wait for it, you did it to impress me.

Kind of dumb, if you ask me. Jesus.

Did it at least work?

No. Uh, I had to put you down.

Okay, that was just me. Well, what was I supposed to do? Be seen around with my

reptilian boyfriend?

Wait, does that mean that... In your dreams, at least in this reality, in

your...

Different story.

So in my world, did we know each other?

Yes, Peter.

And you killed me.

Gwen?

I've been waiting for you.

You have?

Damn right I have.

We've got unfinished business.

Holy melons, Batman.

You might want to take off that mask, bug boy.

Peter... Is this your finished business?

Bye.

You know, I think you've got a little bit bigger too.

I can't take it anymore, Peter.

You want another?

I really didn't with that map.

time.

Great one.

You know I want it don't you?

I have a pretty good idea.

We've been doing that for a long time.

I think we took care of that unfinished business.

It definitely looks that way.