Original subtitles

Okay, Here is the game.

We read from the menu Like we're in a foreign film.

My name is giovanni, And I'm very mad at you

Because you're sleeping With another man.

Crostini di funghi e taleggio! Mozzarella?

Oh, giovanni!

Burrata... Con prosciutto di parma!

Insalata di spinaci!

Lasagna del pollo. Lasagna del pollo.

Lasagna del pollo.

I'm gonna need A minute.

You are magnifico.

Yeah, you too, janie. You just rolled right with it.

You just called me "Janie."

- no, I didn't. - yes, you did.

Yes, I did, but it Was a slip of the tongue.

It didn't mean Anything.

Oh, I'm not so sure.

I feel like you've been holding Back in our relationship,

And maybe She's the reason.

Boy, It's hot in here.

Bottom line is, We're great,

And nothing will be Holding us back.

Damn it. Ah.

- what's wrong? - oh, no.

It's just-- It's stuck on my--my--

It's his wedding ring.

Get the stepladder. His wedding ring is stuck.

His wedding ring?

At first I thought It was some other kind of ring,

Then I realized he's a married Man with a wedding ring.

Would you stop saying "Wedding ring"?

He seems very upset.

Ma'am, can you calm Your husband down?

I'm not his wife.

Both: oh. - oh, come on, please.

Forgive me For eavesdropping,

But you were in a very serious Conversation with janie.

Okay. Ah--oh.

I'll just Take these to go.

Ready, simone?

I get it.

I'm still wearing My wedding ring,

And that's weird for you. - yeah.

Yeah, this is Gonna look great.

That doesn't mean that I'm still Tethered to that relationship.

It's one photo,

And we have A bigger problem.

I forgot that we had a cat. Was I supposed to feed him?

Mr. Whiskers? Mr. Whiskers!

Ryan, I'm sure everything In here reminds you of janie--

The furniture, The artwork.

And this Is doubly hurtful

Because it reminds you of janie, And it reminds me,

They don't make Novelty license plates

With the name "Simone."

I am nuts about you

And completely invested In this relationship.

How can I prove that To you?

Thanks for coming, guys.

This is A secret meeting.

You'll notice Not everyone is here.

We get it. It's a shadow group.

You have a name for it?

Yeah, we do it when we Want to bash another member

But not include them.

You've done this Before?

- no. We haven't. - mm-mm.

Mm-mm.

Well, obviously, I want to talk about simone.

There's been a major development Between us.

- she's pregnant. - no.

You're getting married.

He just said She's not pregnant.

What is this? This is a place of business.

Ryan, we're supposed to be In a pre-interview.

We're talking About simone.

Hey, tell peyton manning He can go [bleep] Himself!

Simone said, if we're Gonna continue as a couple,

I need To take my ring off.

It's only been A few weeks.

When you Take that ring off,

It shouldn't be For anybody else,

It should be for you.

Plus, if you do it Before you're ready,

You might Resent her later.

Easy, newbie.

I mean, I haven't been This happy in a long time,

But what if I'm not ready?

Listen, ryan, Tell her you can't do it.

She may be fine, And if she's not,

I'll be there To pick up the pieces.

Wow, he's good! Welcome to the group.

Sonia, You are out.

Sorry I'm late To shadow group.

My nanny quit. Wait, why is yolanda here?

She's always here.

- yeah. - oh, right. I need some help.

I've got a deposition Tonight,

And I don't have anyone To watch nate and abby. King?

Oh, I'm sorry, anne. I can't do it.

I just need someone For a couple hours.

Anyone?

- I can do it. - anyone?

Please, anne, Let me do it.

I've seen mary poppins Over 500 times.

Not by choice, It's a compulsion known

As "Supercalifragilisticexpiala- Dosia,"

But please! You can trust me.

All right, k. I trust you.

- really? - mm-hmm.

Yes! You hear that, dad?

I did do something With my life!

He's in hell?

- australia. - ah.

Look, I think you're great, And I want you to be happy,

But it just Doesn't feel right.

I appreciate Your honesty.

And as a reward,

You're gonna stay, And we'll be happy?

No, ryan.

I get where you're at, But I'm a 31-year-old woman

With no place To hang my coat.

Oh, god, you're so pretty When you're sad.

You know what? Never mind.

- what? - I don't need the ring.

I don't need it.

Wow, How does that feel?

I feel like A weight has been--

Would you excuse me?

Steep! Ah!

Where are you, Where are you?

Ah!

Mr. Whiskers!

Holy crap, You must be starving.

I'm so sorry!

Oh, I found it! I found it. Thank god.

I'll call you a cab?

Dinner is In the fridge.

I wish You weren't dressed like that.

Here are all of my numbers. Do you have any questions?

Yes, Where are their cages?

I'm just kidding.

Go, depose. You have work to do.

All right, One hour of trumpet practice,

And then read two chapters Of a separate peace. I love you.

Bye, mom.

I love you.

So which one of you Is nathan,

And which one of you Is abigail?

I'm abby. That's nate, the boy.

Well, that'll be A fun way to remember it.

Should we start On your homework?

It's not homework.

Mom just gives us Extra reading.

Mom says anyone who only reads At their own grade level

Is a meth-head In training.

Well, nanny k Has other ideas.

When there's much work to do,

If you believe, my dear,

Then a magic spaceship Will appear.

Boop.

Well, that's on you. You didn't believe.

But should we Take the cushions off

And build our own spaceship, Huh? Come on!

- fun. - yay.

What should Our power source be?

Poop.

Nate, the boy, how are you Not laughing at that?

Oh, you will when you get older. Let's go, come on!

This is a postcard Of the view

From the roof Where we first kissed.

It's to remember me by.

Wow, thanks.

Oh, and--

This is a cardboard cutout Of me...

To remember me by.

- I'm not taking that. - I understand.

I really wish I was ready.

So do I.

Sixteen candles?

I knew She'd be driving away.

I couldn't resist. Awesome, right?

I think so.

Although, in that movie,

That was very much a culmination Of romantic longing.

I thought about that, Weighed the pluses and minuses.

I decided--

No, it's good. Totally worth it.

Then how did that money End up in your bank account?

I, for one, Am finding your timeline--

Here! Spray her with this instead.

- gotcha. - what the--?

- hey! - uh, pardon me

For just one moment.

K! K!

Anne, is that you?

Yes, it's me.

What the hell Are you doing with my kids?

You're spying on us?

I thought you trusted me.

Well, clearly, That was a mistake.

Is that a dog? We don't have a dog.

You need to learn

To let go, anne.

Hey, Where are you taking me?

Put me down!

K! K! I don't see my red shoes.

Are you wearing My red shoes?

Yes! Let go!

I'm psyched for tonight,

And I really appreciate The sixteen candles pickup.

- know you're a fan. - classic movie.

The whole long duk dong thing Was pretty crazy, though.

I mean, They played a gong

Every time The guy came on screen.

How did we not realize How bad that was?

Some of us realized it.

- hmm. - hey, got a surprise.

I didn't want you Second-guessing,

"Should I have Let simone go?"

I didn't want you thinking At all.

That's why I invited hughie, The irresistible party force.

Wow, I haven't seen that guy Since I was single.

I remember He was a big fan

Of the "I've never Seen beer before" bit.

- hughie. - hey, guys!

I asked for sodas,

But the barkeep gave me these Yellow, malt-like beverages.

Shall we give them A sip?

Mmm. What a curious taste!

Suddenly, women around me Are becoming more attractive.

Ryan, what say you Of the mystery libation?

Oh, I don't want To pretend anything.

How you doin', hughie?

Oh, beyond excellent, Man.

The hot tub business Is booming,

My hair is 100% real If you don't count color,

And I am up to my ears In tail.

Come on! I'll make you an introduction.

Pick any girl In the place,

Except for that one. That's a dude.

Don't ask how I know. It's how you think.

So ryan is getting over a girl Who was a little too demanding.

She wanted too much Too soon.

Oh, I am so glad To hear you say that.

I mean, I know That janie's dead and all, but--

That's not Who he was talking about.

Whoa! Faux pas.

We're not talking About anything

That is not A good time.

Guys, let's do this. - let's do it.

♪ still 19, still 19 ♪

♪ haven't lost a step, Haven't lost a step ♪

♪ don't need pecker pills, Don't need pecker pills ♪

♪ got 'em just in case, Got 'em just in case ♪

♪ talking 'bout our junk, Getting kind of weird ♪

♪ point well taken ♪

♪ meet ya back here, Meet ya back here ♪

Yeah.

All right, k, You've got a lot to answer for!

I trust you, and--

Both: ♪ welcome home, Dear mother ♪

♪ welcome home to us ♪

♪ our beds are made, Our teeth are brushed ♪

♪ without the slightest fuss ♪

♪ now, send us off to sleep, Dear mother ♪

♪ send us to our dreams ♪

♪ tomorrow is another day Filled with special things ♪

I know.

"Dreams" and "Things." It's lazy lyricism.

What the hell hocus pocus B.S. Is this?

And these clothes-- This pattern looks so familiar.

Yeah, it's your drapes, Like in the sound of music.

- what? - we had so much fun, mom.

We built a spaceship.

And we learned stuff.

Did you know, in space, No one can hear you scream?

They can't.

- so can he come back? - can he?

Ugh! Fine.

Go on up to bed. - bye, mr. K.

This is amazing.

I told you You could trust me.

But 30 minutes ago, This room was a wreck.

Good evening.

Hey, got some numbers, gents.

Hey, lay them out. I shall assess.

Hughie has not lost The ability

To size up a lady By looking at her phone number.

Hot. Hot. Daddy issues. Gay.

Wait a minute. Is that an eight?

- yeah. - hot.

Oh, that's classic!

All right, I'm gettin' us another round.

- all right. - hey, thanks, hughie.

I forgot how fun it is To be single.

- it's not fun. - what?

It's a slow, Lonely death ride

That is chipping away At my soul.

Every day, I wake up, I grip the edge of the bed

Because I'm terrified If I fall over,

I will shatter Into a million pieces.

Yeah, but you sell hot tubs. That's fun.

Wake up, ryan. It's not 1984.

People don't want to buy Big bowls of human soup,

And they do not want to date A middle-aged man

With a tramp stamp Of ms. Pac-man.

Oh. Man of your age,

You really should be Wearing underwear.

My life is over.

I'm standing In a big puddle of "Was."

But it's not too late for you, Man, you can make it out.

You need to find a woman-- Any woman--who is capable

Of fogging a mirror And lock her down.

I had someone like that, But I wasn't ready.

Why? What was wrong with her?

Nothing. She was Beautiful, smart, artistic.

Show me her number.

There.

Oh, my god, She's perfect.

Yeah, well, she's gone. I sent her away.

Run from this, ryan. I am contagious.

And steven's coming back.

Don't tell him I said This stuff, he looks up to me.

Party, party! Whoo-hoo!

All right!

Got another number.

That's the dude.

Damn it. He really seemed to get me.

Run from this.

I'm sorry, But I gotta be that guy.

Pictures of the kids. - my kids.

This is nate at the assembly This morning.

Oh, you should've Seen him, anne,

Just up in front Of the whole school,

So confident.

I don't know where he gets it. It wasn't from me.

Odd, considering you've been His temporary fill-in nanny

For 12 hours.

Great news. Love wins.

I'm taking my ring off,

And I'm gonna ask simone To move in with me.

Whoa.

- oh! - what, k?

I'm just thinking About abby's wedding.

Oh, here come The waterworks.

I'm sorry, you're asking Simone to move in with you?

Yeah, I realized I was just being nuts.

She's the one.

She's in san francisco,

So I'm gonna drive up there And bring her back.

All: aw! - no. No "Aw."

Ryan, I know You've had fun

With simone And that you're terrified

Of going back to the way You were feeling,

But there's a reason why You didn't take that ring off.

All: boo.

Let's begin again.

Sorry, enemy of love, No one is on your side.

I'm on lauren's side.

Did you just "Long duk dong" me?

What? No. I always gong. I'm sorry.

I just saw Sixteen candles.

What was going on In the '80s?

Like, who thought That was okay?

Thank you. Dude, just got your message.

You can't do this. - sorry, guys.

I've made up my mind, And everybody except for you two

Thinks it's a great idea, Including hughie.

All: yeah. - no, don't listen to hughie.

The man Is severely depressed.

His mexican hair medication

Permanently altered His brain chemistry.

All he did Was remind me

That I already have Someone special.

So right after group, I'm driving up to get her.

What's up, ryan?

Hey, carrie, I need you To take my credit card,

Go to a furniture store,

And exchange All my old furniture

For stuff That simone would like.

I'll explain it To you later.

But I thought you wanted me To take mr. Whiskers to the vet.

Oh, no, no, no. That can wait.

Just feed him Another hot pocket.

All right.

I'm sorry, mr. Whiskers Isn't a cat, right?

You're not feeding that To a cat?

No.

Mr. Whiskers Is my accountant.

Saul whiskers.

I gotta go. - no.

Ryan!

Hey, rabbit.

Your brother told me That you were crying.

What's the matter?

I don't want you. I want mr. K.

He knows How to cheer me up.

Well, there must be Something I could do.

You can give me My doll.

Okay, I'll get you your doll. Let's see.

Ugh.

There you go.

Ryan? What are you doing here?

Here you go. Take this. It's a hook.

You said you don't have anywhere To hang your coat.

Well, you do now-- My place.

I want you to move in With me, and--

I had to go To a very tiny prison

To have this made up.

I had the whole drive up To come up with a joke.

It should have been funnier. Anyway, the point is

I finally know what I want, And it's you.

So here it is, The moment of truth.

The big question-- Who the hell is that guy?

That's marco.

Oh, hey, marco.

Could you excuse us For a moment?

- sure. - thanks a lot.

Please tell me That is not your ex-fiance,

And please tell me he's not Covered in sculpting clay.

I mean, Is he kidding?

I called him. I was upset.

I still have feelings for him. He loves me.

Well, forget about him.

I'm ready to give you What you want.

Here, watch.

- listen to me, marco-- - you did that on purpose?

Yeah, I did. Forget the ring. I've seen you take it off.

But I was gonna throw it Really far this time.

And I want you To move in with me,

And I drove All the way up here.

I mean, That's the biggest gesture

I've made for a woman Since--

Janie.

Yeah.

I am crazy about you,

But I have to know if this Is about me or replacing her.

If it's about me, I am in,

And I will laugh at all your Stupid tiny license plate jokes,

And we will start A life together,

And it will be awesome.

But if this is some attempt To fill a void,

Let me live my life.

Can I finish sculpting you, Dear?

Both: not now, marco!

Are you kidding, man?

Say it's me,

And I'm in that car next to you, Riding back to l.A.

Moment of truth. What's it gonna be?

Hey! What do you think?

Ooh! Picture her doing this.

"Oh, I need a magazine.

I'll just reach into my swan And get one."

Hey, where is simone?

I was looking at pictures Of you two.

Whoo, she is hot!

Yeah, it didn't work out With simone.

It's over.

So you're gonna have to change All of this back.

What? Oh, my god.

I cannot take your life.

It is just so sad.

It's gonna be okay.

Based on what?

It just keeps getting worse And worse!

Here, Do you need a tissue?

Is this--is this A tissue holder?

Yeah, it's-- It cost $800.

I don't think they're Gonna let me return it.

- is she okay? - yeah, she's fine.

How do you do it?

Come here, sit.

Yeah, That's not gonna happen.

Since patty died, I've been trying so hard.

She was like you.

She was so good With kids.

How come I can't connect With them, and you can?

Me, my job's easy. I'm a goof.

Everybody loves The funny guy.

I'm robin williams. Oh, or mitt romney.

What ever happened To that guy's show?

It was on every channel For a year, then nothing.

He was--it's--

You're trying to do The work of two grown-ups.

Do what I do.

Leave yourself some space To be a kid.

Now, go upstairs, And give 'em a little mitt.

Thanks, k.

Now, get out of my house. - okay.

Ryan? You here?

Go away.

Carrie got me All of this stuff.

See? It's like I'm a human baseball.

You see? - yeah.

Carrie told me You came back alone.

What happened?

Simone asked me If I wanted to be with her,

Or if I just wanted To be with someone,

And I couldn't give her The answer she wanted, so...

Now I'm back To where I started.

No, How can you say that?

You got through your first Post-janie relationship.

That is huge.

No, huge would be If I met a new person,

She was perfect, and then, I was never alone again.

Then I could drive by The place where the group meets

And think, "That was A nice group of people

"From the time Before I was fixed.

Was fausta real or just An adorable cgi character?"

You can meet the perfect person.

Now that you've started looking, Maybe you will.

Yeah, I guess That's the win, right?

- mm-hmm. - no!

A "Maybe" is not a win.

Listen, I don't know what you Teach them in your group,

But I believe In a sixteen candles world,

A world where the king Of the geeks

Ends up with the hot blonde In the rolls-royce,

A world where jake shows up For samantha at the end.

And, ryan, your jake Is coming for you.

You've helped me out A lot,

But today, I like his speech better,

Your insistence on making me Molly ringwald aside.

Noted.

Can't you just lie to me

And promise me That I'm not gonna be alone?

I can promise you you're not Gonna be alone right now.

Clear off a finger. Come on.

Oh.

Yeah.

Aw.

That means a lot, Mr. Whiskers.

Thanks for being The bigger man.

We're being attacked! Get us out of here!

Ah! We're losing power, Captain!

We need more poop For the reactor!

Knock, knock.

Come on, k, jump in. Join us.

I'm just here To tender my resignation.

- what? - no!

No, on to the next family. My work here is done.

Okay, we need more power!

On it! Going to warp speed...

Now! - ahh!

I'm flying.

Oh, wow!

K, don't move.

Somehow, You fell off the roof.

We're getting an ambulance.

Which one of you Didn't believe?