Original subtitles

Big day.

For those of you new To the group,

Every year I ask members To fill out

Evaluations to share ways That I might improve

As a group leader.

I am a custodian Of your emotional well-being,

You put your life In my hands.

Your feedback could not be More critical.

Which section do we use To complain about the snacks?

Oh, I'm not in charge of that. You guys bring the snacks.

Yeah, but you let us Bring the snacks.

Thank god we're finally Talking about snacks.

The next time you bring Those bone-dry pretzels,

You bring some juice!

Benjamin.

If you weren't here.

Sorry.

Okay, you will evaluate My performance

On a scale from one to five, And there's an essay.

In order to insure anonymity, I would appreciate it

If you would all please type Your answers.

Can I use Cut-up magazine letters?

I do it as fast As typing.

- no. - would it be fun

If we wrote it From the perspective of a cat?

- no. - even if it's typed,

When you read fausta's, Language-wise,

It'll be fairly obvious Who it's from.

This from the guy Who just ended a sentence

With a preposition. - okay, fine.

Everybody type them And use spanglish, okay?

I don't have a computer, So I'll just do mine now.

Five, five, five, five.

Five, five, five.

Lauren, you are a woman.

I'm a man.

Though I've never seen Your face,

I like your style.

You have what you think Is a man.

If that changes, I'm waiting.

Oh.

We have a few candidates To fill in for carrie

While she's away.

Varying levels of experience.

There is One outside-the-box idea.

And the outside-the-box one Is...?

- terrell owens, yes. - yeah.

I know what you're thinking.

Why would a future hall of fame Wide receiver

Want to work at kbal?

I want to get Into the broadcasting business,

And I want to learn From the best.

But bob costas said no.

So here I am.

Well, I'm sorry. There's no room

In this company For this guy,

Because you, sir, Have got the job.

Oh, you did it just like On american idol!

- yeah. - yeah. Yeah!

Act like you've been there Before, terrell.

Oh. Ryan king's office.

May I place you On a brief hold?

It's simone. Are you here?

Oh, yeah. Hey.

Oh, yeah, great.

I'll see you soon.

Okay, simone's coming here.

She's never been here before, So I need you

To get everything out of here That makes me

Seem dumb or shallow.

- so everything? - yeah.

And bring in some smart stuff, Like a book

Or the bust of that crazy guy That sits at the end

Of schroeder's little piano There.

Wow, somebody is desperate To impress a girl.

Hey, this is not Just some girl.

She is incredibly special

And incredibly smart.

I want her to see The best version of me.

Hot girl gonna see me Where I'm awesome.

♪ gonna see him Where he's awesome ♪

Hey, carrie was always too Self-conscious to use falsetto.

This is gonna work.

♪ this is gonna work ♪

♪ work it out ♪

And there's the booth Where I do my show.

It's 20% bigger Than anyone else's.

Does that mean I'm 20% more talented?

I'll let other people Answer that with a yes.

Hey, jerry. I learned his name.

Not everybody does that, But what does it cost me?

And it made his day.

Oh, simone,

This is my assistant carrie

And her temporary replacement Terrell owens.

Oh, I get a similar energy From you two.

Yes, we are often mistaken For each other.

Sarcasm--it's funny, But at what cost?

Ryan, I've got news. I just got a call

From the big cheese.

Ah, the boss. He's a fan.

He is loving the show,

And he thanks you in advance For being a team player

And reading the live ads.

Reading live ads?

I'm an artist. I'm not a corporate shill.

Cheese knows You're an artist.

That said, it is pretty standard In the industry,

And he'd consider it A personal favor.

Yes, I would consider Promoting a product

If it was In the ryan king brand--

Mercedes, Global literacy.

The l.A. Philharmonic.

That sounds Much more like me.

Oh. Ah.

Yeah, you have a Responsibility to your audience.

People are looking for meaning.

Right. Well, We have been doing some research

On our audience and what exactly They are looking for.

See, the average ryan king show Listener

Is 47 years old, He lives at home

With his parents, He is bald,

His idea of a joke

Is to repeat something he heard Once in a commercial,

He drinks too much,

And he has Sexual reliability issues.

The big cheese Wants me to read ads for...

It's a boner cream, ryan.

With apologies to milady.

Devil's advocate.

I think that, With herbal supplements,

Exercise, And time spent in nature,

This can become this.

She's--she's drawing On my guy.

Well, maybe she's right.

I don't want to read ads about Some male enhancement junk.

That's not what I'm about.

It's your job.

Your job is your life.

You have to do this.

- maybe there's more to him. - yeah.

Maybe I'm not Just some trained monkey

Who spins insights About sports,

And maybe I will leave

Until this show Becomes something

That I am morally and ethically Comfortable doing.

I'm just putting My books away here.

Where's my violin? - okay, buddy, I get it.

It's a nice, pretty lady. You want to impress her.

But it's getting A little yoko ono.

Oh, the conceptual artist. I love her.

You're making a big mistake.

And you're misunderstanding what I mean by yoko ono on purpose.

Everybody, I'm leaving.

- don't do this. - I am doing it.

I have standards.

I love this place, But it does not own me.

♪ it doesn't own him ♪

♪ so he's walking ♪

When he caves And I come back,

You and I Are gonna have fun, man.

- anne, was it you? - hmm?

- you can tell me. - was what me?

The evaluation. I got all fives,

But somebody gave me a two For listening,

And they referenced it In the anonymous essay section.

"Is loving, is smart,

But is sometimes not hear My problem."

Sweetie, I gave you all fives, And I wrote,

"Is always very helps."

Thank you. Now who did it?

I need to know. - not me.

I wrote that you were a... Both: "Healer, sister,

Mother, friend, role model, Hero, virgin unicorn."

Oh, classic lauren. Straight "A"S,

And the only thing I can think About is the "B."

You got straight "A"S, And you're doing this?

Good thing "Lives up to potential"

Wasn't on the evaluation.

And ryan told steven no.

I'm so proud of him.

He wouldn't compromise.

He didn't believe In the product.

You know, I tried that cream Last week.

I can't say if it works or not, But it burns.

Whazzup?

George, I'm offering you A high five.

Oh, I know.

Well, I am really hearing A lot today.

Ryan refuses to compromise,

And danny rubs a poisonous cream On his man region.

Thank you, ears, For helping me listen.

They're gonna cave.

The big cheese Will not let this stand.

And in the meantime ryan's Gonna take this opportunity

To improve himself.

We're going on a week-long Meditation retreat.

Oh, great.

Group vegetarian b.O. Pass.

The old ryan Would have agreed with you.

He would have seen this trip As some kind

Of hippie fart fest,

But simone is broadening My horizons.

There have been people In my life who have lifted me up

To new heights, like My junior high hockey coach.

He thought I should be On the first line.

And he ended up All-conference, simone.

He brings this up a lot Because apparently

This is a support group For people

Who played hockey Pretty well.

Yeah, ryan's coach.

Coach spence.

I remember that 'cause I listen.

Do you doubt that, sonia?

Danny?

Fausta? - what?

Ryan has a lot of depth That's waiting to be accessed.

Wait, you think Ryan is deep?

Are you so pretty that I didn't realize you're dumb?

Ryan, may I join you On your quest

To deepen And better yourself?

Oh, mr. K, you want to be A better person?

Perhaps you've been A little overly critical

Of someone lately?

Maybe someone who no make Good listen?

- mm? - oh.

Yolanda, you know that thing We were talking about earlier?

I may need your help Figuring that out.

Would you meet me For coffee?

That would be lovely. I'll pick the place.

- okay, great. - excuse me a moment.

Yes! It's finally happening. Be cool, yolanda.

Don't let her know How much this means to you.

Don't screw this up like you Screw up everything else.

- hey. - hey.

My meditation gown,

This is-- I mean, it's freeing,

But it's gonna take Some getting used to.

You know you're supposed

To be wearing underwear, Right?

Well, that Could have been clearer.

Welcome.

Hey, how you doing?

The purpose Of vipassana meditation

Is to purify our... Minds.

He's talking really slowly And pausing in weird places.

That's fun. - ryan.

Right, right.

Once we quiet our minds

And heighten our... Awareness,

We will achieve

Insight...

And peace.

And you will find This experience to be...

Fun? Easy? Hard?

- rewarding. - rewarding.

Has anyone here

Had a transformative Meditative experience before?

Oh.

You in the...

Weird glasses, Green scarf,

Middle of a divorce?

Center of the room.

I heard music. It was like wind chimes.

I saw a white void, And in that emptiness,

I understood for the first time What truly matters--

Peace, beauty, and love.

Beautiful.

Let's all get comfortable.

Oh, sorry I'm late. Can you start over?

Oh, no, don't start over.

We're just about to meditate

And find truth And the meaning of life.

Don't start over.

Let's all just Close our eyes,

Block out all sound,

And quiet our minds.

Oh, my god, my mind's so loud. I can't do this.

Ryan, it's all right.

The path to enlightenment Can take years.

Decades.

Got it. So much beauty.

All the answers.

I no longer fear death.

After mine, I no longer fear death.

Epiphany buddies.

Ryan, I see everything, And it's beautiful.

Yeah, I get it. You transcended.

No, your pants, They're see-through.

Wow, yolanda, when we talked About getting together,

I thought it'd be more Of a starbucks kind of a thing.

Mm, this felt more us.

Mm-hmm. I'm sorry.

I just don't get a lot Of alone time with you,

And I wanted to make The most of it.

So, if I cross a line, Let me know.

Okay.

I just really wanted to know Who in the group

Is unhappy With my performance.

Lauren, slow down,

Have a drink.

Then we'll go up To our suite

And enjoy our couples' massage. - line crossed.

- really? - yeah.

- already? - mm-hmm.

I gotta cancel Some stuff.

Is there anybody In the group

Who seems Particularly disgruntled?

It might be helpful To check the tapes.

- tapes? - yeah.

I record every session On my phone.

No, yolanda, That's horrible.

It's not okay to record

Other people's conversations Without their consent.

With all due respect, That's kind of liberal crap.

Yolanda.

Oh, god, I'm ruining everything.

You never talk politics On a date.

I mean on a coffee To help you?

Okay, I get it. I'll destroy the tapes.

Yes. After we listen to all of them.

Oh, my god.

Ryan. I think he's transcending.

- ryan. - he's finally seeing the truth.

I can almost hear His wind chimes.

Wow.

Coach spence?

What are you doing here In my great white void?

Give me a knee, king.

So you're quitting The sports talk radio show

For something deeper? - that's right.

Are you some kind Of a [bleep] Idiot?

You have no talent,

So they pay you All this money

To talk About those who do.

And then you meet some chick, And you go prancing around

Dressed like the guy Who fought darth baber.

Actually, it's--okay.

You want depth? Hold on.

Depth? Bad news.

You don't have any.

You better get back to work

Before you lose Everything you got.

Okay. How do I get out of here?

Are you serious?

I hate this thing.

Come on, kids.

Let's shame him up the rope.

Ow. It hurts my hands.

- ryan, just pull on the rope. - ryan!

- use your teeth for god's sake. - ryan, you suck!

Come on. Let's go.

It was beautiful, Peaceful.

Excuse me.

Don't transcend.

Transcending is bad. It's bad.

I feel As if we should make love.

- no. - okay.

I've gone through My collection of group photos

And found photographs Of all the suspects

At their most disgruntled.

Why does fausta look so sexy In her photo?

It's the only way You can photograph her.

If the camera comes out, She gets sexy.

Wow.

So I've gone Through the audio tapes

And identified people Who might be upset with you.

Here's the sonia file.

I'm bored. This is stupid.

You look great today, Yolanda.

Oh. How'd that get in there?

I also flagged this From mr. K.

- all right. - where in this town

Can you get good eggplant pizza? - hmm.

I know that sounds okay,

But listen to it Played backwards.

Help me. My mind is a prison.

- ooh. - we have any good clues?

- you invited george? - I thought he could be helpful.

He was a detective.

What? He never talked About that in group.

- back on the force... - oh.

Well, when I was A detective...

- mm. - there I was,

A million dollars' worth Of cocaine and no witnesses...

Hmm?

I'm sorry.

I keep bringing up How I was a detective.

Okay, he was a detective. I missed it.

Here's what I know About this group,

Based on years Of profiling experience.

Simone doesn't have the guts To give a two.

Fausta didn't do this, But she's done something.

And ryan has a level Of narcissism

That, if left unchecked,

Could lead to fascism And loss of liberty.

I think maybe We should just listen

To some more of the tapes.

This is stupid, lauren.

Is this supposed to help?

We're not getting anywhere. Why do we come here?

Why are you disagreeing, Lauren?

I think it. George thinks it.

And he's a detective.

Oh, my god. Please stop it.

Stop, stop, stop.

It could be anybody.

Everybody hates me.

You know what might help?

Wine and cheese On a hot air balloon

Already paid for-- Mm.

While we're here, I still haven't given up

On the zodiac killings.

Where was danny During the '70s?

Uh--

Hey, I'm ready To come back to work,

But I took a stand In front of simone,

So I can't do the ad For the cream.

Why are you dressed Like my pillow?

Get the big cheese On the phone.

You don't want To talk to the big cheese.

Well, if you're not gonna call The big cheese,

Then I'm gonna call The big cheese.

Big cheese here.

Uh, why are you answering The big cheese's phone?

What have you done To the big cheese?

- ryan, there is no big cheese. - what? That's impossible.

Ryan, why would a man Call himself the big cheese?

Because he's comfortable With who he is.

And he calls me when I need Support with that deep...

You-ish-sounding voice.

The big cheese Is my invention.

He lets you Feel important,

And he allows me To give you bad news

Without it affecting Our friendship.

Well, who is In charge here then?

Mr. James leopold.

He does not know your name.

We lose money.

There are two reasons mr. Leopold does not shut us down.

He comes to los angeles On business occasionally,

And he likes to have a place In culver city to take dumps.

Blagh.

His son jerry works here As an engineer.

Oh, good, good.

Okay, 'cause I think That's the one I'm nice to.

You gotta make a decision.

Do you want the job, Or do you want the girl?

I'm having a major crisis At work.

This patient died, And I'm being blamed.

No one cares. I need some help.

So I went, I got myself Into a transcendent state,

Turns out the only thing I have inside me

Is a very angry Hockey coach.

Meanwhile, Steven still wants me to do

The stupid ads For the cream.

Here's the plan--

I'll do the ads,

Simone doesn't listen To the show,

So please, just don't say Anything, okay,

All my avid fans.

Danny. - I don't always listen

To sports radio, But when I do...

Ugh, please, I hate myself Enough already.

I gotta go.

She thinks I'm on one Of those enlightenment walks.

Don't do it, king. I've been down this road.

When I first Started seeing patty,

I led her to believe That I was into...

The women's Alternative rock scene.

Oh, blugh.

Come on, It was important to her.

I wanted her to like me.

Sarah mclachlan Has a couple of great songs.

Building a mystery Is not bad.

Next thing you know, I end up spending the weekend

At lilith fair.

I'm talking front row,

Me on patty's shoulders.

Totally out of control.

You don't believe me, Google, "Lilith fair,

Stoned, muddy, flasher."

All: got it.

That's right. Enjoy.

Wow. That's a lot of white ladies.

Yeah. So, when I finally Told her the truth,

I almost derailed The whole relationship

Because I had lied.

So if you're just messing Around with simone, fine.

But if you think this could end Up being something real,

Do not go down this road.

Yeah, but she's special,

And she thinks I'm special,

And I want her To like me.

Well, then be you

And see if she does.

Wow, anne, You're deep.

- and crazy hot. - ew.

Group's started, honey.

Looked over the evidence. It was sonia.

She gave you the two.

How'd you figure it out?

I was holding the bad Evaluation when I sneezed.

I'm allergic To cat dander.

So I knew Who had written it.

Here's Where it gets interesting.

I confronted sonia, And she said she'd written it,

But on behalf of someone else Who'd never write it herself.

Under questioning, Yolanda admitted she was upset

About your inability To contain a certain someone

Who has taken up All of the oxygen

Since he joined the group.

This patient died, And I'm being blamed.

No one cares. I need some help.

So there's your answer. Now you can move on.

It doesn't even matter, now That I know what they all think.

Why did I dig? I saw stuff I wish I hadn't.

You know, Back on the force...

Ooh, you talk about it All the time.

How did I not notice?

I saw a lot of stuff I wish I hadn't seen.

But when you Lose your sight,

You realize what a gift It is to be able

To see anything Because it's truth,

And truth is good.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm gonna use it, And I'm gonna be better.

The woman I gave All those fives to sure would.

Thanks, george.

Hey. What are you guys doing here?

Not talking about you For once.

- yeah. - okay.

Excuse me, sir, Can I have your pillow?

Just take an open...

Hey. How you doing?

Ryan, where have you been?

I've been here The whole time.

I managed to achieve Complete invisibility.

Oh, my god. Just like brother marcus.

Isn't that crazy?

I left.

I went back to work.

I'm gonna do the ads.

I want to be open To new things,

But I hate them.

They're weird. These clothes are weird.

These people are weird.

And I have to tell you that now Before we're in nepal

In two years Kneeling in front

Of some smelly, Flip-flop-wearing freak show.

Ryan.

Sorry, brother marcus.

Come here. Come here.

He didn't mean it.

You think you might be With me in two years?

Well, it'd be nice, But you're special,

And I am this.

I'm not that.

I'm not that either.

I may have exaggerated My spiritual depth.

When I transcended, it was A middling epiphany at best.

And I spend 60% Of my energy

Trying to suppress...

The way I actually talk.

Is it a put-on? Whatever.

Come on. Who cares?

Oh, my god. That's awful.

It's better you know now.

Stop it right now.

Oh, god, Now you got me doing it.

Every great team

Has an identity, like My sound engineer jerry leopold.

He knows who he is. The best in the biz.

I love you, jerry.

When you get into trouble Is when you start to play

Against your strengths.

When you're dennis rodman

And you start hoisting threes.

Know who you are

And be the best version Of that.

That, my friends,

Is the zen of life.

Oh, and one more thing--

Are you looking for That extra oomph in the bedroom?

Well, the good people at Michael's male enhancement cream

Want to cork your bat.