Original subtitles

Oh.

Just in time For valentine's day.

Romance has entered The group.

Last night, we walked in On an intimate moment

Between ryan and simone, But it is a private matter,

And we do not want to make them Feel uncomfortable.

Oh, I'm not uncomfortable.

Of all the people in the world, You are the ones

I'd most like To see me make love.

She's awesome.

We've needed one of her For a long time.

Simone's delightful Openness aside, I just--

- oh, thank you. - okay.

Oh, cheek kisses...

Worldly.

As you all know, I have a rule Against people dating

Within the group.

It gets in the way Of healing

And obviously distracts Everyone.

Guys, I think what lauren Is saying is she hates love.

I don't hate love.

At the end of titanic,

She was glad Leonardo dicaprio died.

Did you cheer for the poison In romeo and juliet?

What other great things Do you hate--

Sunshine, america, pizza?

I do not hate pizza, okay?

I got this scar Reaching into an oven

To save a burning pizza.

How many of you Can say the same?

I broke my hand In an enchilada accident.

Sweetie, don't say that.

I know it's true, But it sounds offensive.

I think it sounds beautiful And authentic.

Guys, slow down. We don't need dating rules.

We haven't even talked. It was just one fun night.

Maybe that's all it was. - I hope not.

- yes! She likes me. - I more than like you.

As the french say, Je t'adore.

Mm.

She's using The familiar tu form

Rather than the formal vous.

Tu rather than vous.

All: Tu rather than vous!

Tu rather than vous!

Please don't chant this.

Okay, okay. Enough.

You heard lauren. Let's respect the rules.

Thank you, yolanda.

Back to why we're here-- Loss and life change.

Who would like to share?

Well, my father's heart Is failing.

Oh, I can't go back. It's so boring.

Lauren, I brought you

My "How to make A perfect wedding" binder.

Aw.

Thanks to this baby,

My wedding went off Without a hitch.

- oh, severed groom head. - yeah, except for step 50...

Where instead Of getting an "I do,"

I got an "I am already In another state."

Wyoming-- He left me for wyoming.

So step one, we've got An appointment for you

At salon martinique To find you a wedding dress.

Oh, that's so sweet, But it's a little early.

Wyatt and I still Haven't picked out a date.

At some point, we may want To make this group discussable.

Dress shopping Would have been so fun.

We'd all start Trying stuff on.

I even wore My good underwear today.

You're an adult.

You should only Have good underwear.

I'm worried about lauren.

She should be more excited About getting married.

Fausta has a plan.

We find perfect dress For lauren.

Yeah! She'll put in on, See herself all pretty,

And get excited For her wedding.

But the dress Has to fit.

Do we know anyone Who's that tiny?

Hey, check out the kid.

Is it just me?

I've always thought His body had a certain thin

And graceful lauren-ness.

It is true, from behind.

I once talked to him For five minutes

About my dead aunt.

He's surprisingly helpful.

Let me hug him. I can feel if it's right.

Tense up like you don't want To be this close to me.

- more than I am? - that's it. That's perfect.

Add supple breasts, And we are there.

- yeah. - okay. What?

Owen, we're gonna take you out And buy you some beer.

- okay. - okay, okay!

Okay.

Ryan, listen, I'm sorry If I came on too strong earlier,

But you understand why I have That rule about not dating.

- totally. - but you're not gonna listen.

- no. - you're having fun now.

But a relationship is gonna Bring up so many issues,

And this is where You deal with them,

And you're not gonna be able To do that if she's here.

I may be further along Than you think I am.

The only help I may need from you

Is help doing this.

Nope, I can do it.

Look, if we have some kind Of a problem,

I won't bring it up in group-- I'll just give you a call.

No, I'm not Your personal therapist.

If you want to discuss Matters of the heart,

There are groups Here for that.

Go talk to that Smug margaret hotchkiss,

With her precious real degree From a university

And her "I'm smart but sexy" Tina fey glasses.

You're as good As margaret hotchkiss.

- she's just so pretty. - I know.

Owen, come on out.

We know you're doing this For lauren.

Don't be embarrassed. This is a safe space.

Fine.

No one told you To put on the veil.

- I hate it. It bunches up. - it makes him look schlumpy.

His shoulder disappear-- Not sexy.

- hey! That's hurtful. - here, try this one on.

- ooh. - ooh.

To do what you're doing, You have to be really confident.

And being confident Is really hot.

Good times.

Ah! Sexy owen-- That's a new color.

Don't care for it.

Well, we've got Some time to kill.

Let's get to know Each other better.

Fausta, what's your deal?

I believe In a benevolent god,

But he gives Man free will--

Not involved In the details,

Like great watchmaker.

All right. I'm interested.

Anne, ever do acid?

Why am I crying?

Because you're beautiful.

I am.

Traveling Through northern india,

I had dinner with a shaman And his wife.

They were so poor,

All they had to eat Was a plate of crickets.

So I surrendered To the moment and ate one.

Thus began the greatest meal Of my life.

And I want to share That gift with you.

This is the worst version

Of where that story Could have gone.

Impress the girl.

Appear open to new things.

Freak out a little bit.

Eat it.

Oh, my god, you ate that? That's disgusting!

You gave me a cricket!

You wish it was a cricket! I found it in the sink!

How could you think I was serious?

Well, I didn't want To appear ignorant!

Foreign people Are so gross.

That story is From the temple of doom!

What's wrong with you? - that's funny to you.

Well, I'm going to kiss you With my bug mouth.

No!

This is really nice.

And the fact that people Are telling us we can't do it...

- makes it even better. - oh, yes.

Lauren's just Trying to help you.

You've been through a lot. - well, we all have.

But now I'm fixed.

Whoa! Ah! Ha ha!

- everything okay? - yes. Yeah.

I was just Thinking how bad

Kingdom of the crystal skull Is.

I mean, shia labeouf? Both those names seem fake.

- come here. - I--

Aah! Let's see, I want to watch it, though.

I want to watch it right now. I got to try to find it.

That'll be fun, huh?

Nyah! Ah...

Us dating, bad idea? Take that, lauren.

You're not here, are you?

Lauren?

And...

Owen.

Wow.

I honor and celebrate This expression

Of who you apparently are.

Okay, first of all, She and I just played

A little tonsil hockey--

No. We found you The perfect wedding dress.

We had owen try it on, Because as it turns out--

- he's my body double. - yeah.

I knew You'd notice eventually.

Last week we wore The same jeans.

I was so embarrassed,

I threw sweat pants on Over them.

- that's not a style thing? - aw, sweetie.

Mm-mm.

What do you think Of the dress?

It's pretty.

Okay, you guys want To know the truth?

I have been putting off Planning my wedding.

It's just all the details Are stressing me out.

You end up fighting over Tablecloths and whether or not

The dj should be able To play hot hot hot-- no.

Listen to me, busty owen.

We want a wedding, And we want it now.

Why are you being So hostile?

Because you're turning up Your pretty nose

At this awesome day Where you're the star

And everybody kisses your butt. - we're not getting a day

Because none of us Is getting married--

Closed off curmudgeon, Damaged goods,

Insatiable baller.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

I love you, but I don't agree With your lifestyle.

Why do any of you

Need weddings To celebrate yourselves?

At some point In this discussion,

I just became a guy Standing in a dress.

Lauren's right. We can throw our own party.

Yeah, we'll call it A goddess party

'cause we don't need a man Or a woman

To tell us we're awesome.

And we'll have it On valentine's day,

But no valentine's stuff Allowed.

We shouldn't have to feel bad

Because We don't have boyfriends...

Or girlfriends.

Okay, let's just Keep it masculine.

This is exhausting.

And if you're gonna wear a veil, Wear it because it looks cool,

Not because some tradition Tells you

You have to save your face For your husband.

I am so proud Of you goddesses!

Owen, why you Take dress off?

Oh.

Welcome back To beautiful losers weight loss.

Part of making Healthy food choices

Is avoiding temptation,

So pat yourselves on the back For ridding your cabinets

Of all these Toxic trigger foods!

Yay!

I am assuming the salty area Over here is amanda's.

You know.

Lauren knows.

Hey, everybody. I'm ryan.

So sorry. So sorry I'm late.

Hey, you got some thin ones. You're good at this group.

- ryan, what are you doing here? - oh, my turn to share?

Already? Great.

I have a situation I need to get off my chest.

The situation Is janie's ghost.

No, ryan, This is not a grief group.

Yeah, but it's a group, So I figured--

- if it's about food. - well, janie is a cupcake--

The greatest cupcake of my life, And sadly this cupcake died.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What kind of cupcake?

- oh, it doesn't matter. - chocolate.

So eventually I started Seeing a new cupcake.

But every time I try to enjoy This new cupcake--

- red velvet? - yeah. Sure.

The old cupcake appears.

And I can't tell the new cupcake About the old cupcake

Because the new cupcake Will think I'm crazy.

No, we're not doing this. You have to listen to my rules.

Come on. - yeah, fine.

I don't need you. I can get advice from anybody.

Okay, new group, Assume from my story

That the cupcake Is a human being.

What do I do? - where did the ghost appear?

- don't engage. - very interesting question.

She does not appear When simone and I

Are away from my house.

Very good insight. Here you go.

- no. - it's territorial.

You need to go somewhere Janie never went. Cheese curls.

- you got it. - amanda.

Boy, it is raining Good advice in here.

Excuse me, But you need to go.

You're getting in the way of The good work lauren is doing.

Yeah, we got Four yolandas in here.

Good day.

Great goddess-party venue, Yolanda.

Thanks.

It was the first place I called,

So I spent the rest of the night Creating a composite

Of us four goddesses,

One super bride I call "Sofanda."

Oh! It's a monster.

Yes. Watchmaker Does not want this.

I picked the venue.

So to avoid The kind of conflict

That lauren was worried about, Let's take turns.

Anne, what kind of flowers? - oh, screw flowers.

Flowers are no fun.

Balloons! I want them Floating everywhere.

People can suck on them, Talk funny.

Balloons are pure joy.

Uh, and, sonia, You get music.

Oh, my god.

I have the perfect jazz trio To be backup band.

Backup band? Who's in front?

- no. - mm-mm.

Why not?

The binder advises Against amateur musicians.

Maybe the binder Would be more open

If it attended a single one Of my weekly gigs

Instead of staying home Shaving its legs

Only up to the knees.

I knew You'd use that against me.

- I want latin funk band. - what? No funk.

And none of your mouth jazz.

Grouchity-bouchity-bitchity Bop! Yeah!

That's the power of scat.

I had carrie tell the hotel I was rachel maddow.

Let's see What it gets us.

The other night On the couch,

I felt like there was something Strange between us.

Wow, you are crazy.

Will you just Give me one second,

Just to set the mood?

- okay. - okay, great.

Okay, where are you?

Here, ghosty, ghosty. Here, ghost wife.

I'm kissing someone!

Very romantic.

Aah!

It's a romantic situation. I hope no one interrupts us.

I'm kissing.

Sorry. I was just warming up.

You know, I'm really glad we Decided to do this on the 13th,

'cause if we were hanging out On valentine's day

This soon in the relationship, It would be weird.

Weirder than...

I'm just really nervous,

And I'm so excited To be alone with you.

I'm going to go get In the shower.

Want to join me? - huh?

Let me help you.

Yes. That--yes.

Hey, nice pump.

Janie, What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm--you know, I'm here with a woman.

It's time.

Great view out there, babe.

Oh, hey.

Ryan, this is thomas.

You're dating? You have a ghost boyfriend?

Well, Just because I'm not real

Doesn't mean I don't have needs.

You want a drink, babe? It's cool, right?

You're not, like, cheap are you? - oh, actually, he kind of is.

Pay-per-view. Alive guy's paying.

Okay. He's got to go. I don't like him.

You know who he reminds me of? That guy mike from your office.

Okay, we're not Doing this again.

Oh! The avengers.

I was so excited About this,

But it came out the week After my accident.

You know, there Is just no good time

To walk Into a helicopter propeller.

But that was a bad time.

We are so watching this. This is gonna be a fun night.

Uh, hey, simone, So I'm taking off.

- what? - yeah. Enjoy your shower.

Here's the key To the room.

Oh! And if you get The feeling that there are

Two spirits Doing it out there,

Do your best to try To shut it down.

Thanks. See ya.

What's with the tension?

This is more distracting Than when you were being sexy.

We're not supposed to talk About it in here.

He won't touch me. He keeps kissing his hand.

And he left me alone, Naked in the shower.

What?

I've got a dead wife And a broken windshield wiper

That smears crap All over the place.

You've got that Naked in the shower,

And you walk away.

Can no one in here win? I'll take anything.

Lauren was very clear.

We're not talking About the relationship.

Oh, it's okay.

We can talk about it. We're not in a relationship.

It's over.

What?

Lauren, you got to do Something.

It's valentine's day.

No. It's goddess sofanda day.

I don't like that. Make that go away.

Lauren, help them.

Prove that you don't hate love. Do it for jack and rose.

Do it for pizza.

Okay. Just this once.

I feel--owen, please don't cross Your legs like me.

It's all I can think about. - yeah. Buddy, come on.

Seriously.

Okay, ryan, Let's start with you.

You were going to take simone Someplace new

Based on the sage advice Of amanda.

Okay, simone, The truth is...

Whenever we get romantic...

I-I see janie.

And last night at the hotel, She brought a gentleman friend.

A date?

You're in a love triangle With two ghosts?

Damn, ryan, you're The most messed up one here.

Yeah. And I sleep With a chew toy.

I'm just odd. Mentally, I'm quite lucid.

So this has nothing To do with me.

No. You're awesome. I'm crazy.

No, king, you're not. You're just feeling guilty.

You're seeing janie Because part of you

Worries That you're hurting her,

And you invented this boyfriend To punish yourself,

To make yourself feel How you imagine janie feels.

Lucid...

Odd. - ah.

- actually, that really helps. - yeah. That helps me too.

Yeah. Thank you, lauren.

This place really does make A difference.

Hey, you hear that, hotchkiss? I make a difference.

Suck on that! - good for you, lauren.

Yeah, It's eating at her.

Care to join me At the goddess party,

Or do you have a thing For sane people?

It's okay. You're conflicted.

I am too.

I mean, I get hurt last night, And what's the first thing I do?

Call my ex-fiance.

"Oh, god, marco. Oh, I miss you so much.

What do I have to do To get you back?"

What?

I just got off the phone With my balloon guy.

Sonia, why is Your jazz trio setting up

Next to an abomination called "Los amigos del funk"?

You say no. I don't listen.

Here is me in two hours.

"What's that, anne?

I can't hear you yell Over perfect party music!"

You were on the phone For eight hours

To romania with this guy?

I was in a rough place! I'll pay you back.

You used the hotel phone?

Maybe I am cheap.

It is a string quartet Or nothing.

Whoa. Why do you get your way?

Because my wife died,

And we never got to have Our party.

We put it off, And it never happened.

Well, my fiance Left me at the altar.

I haven't been able to see My husband in three years!

All: no!

Hey, hey, hey. What's going on here?

I can't be with her. She's unstable.

And I'm too unstable to be with Someone who's that unstable!

Leaving a girl In a shower

Does not make an unstable girl More stable.

I'll tell you that. - huh.

Maybe we should have a rule

About not dating people In group.

- party is off. - what?

Lauren, sweetie, My people are almost fixed

If you need some help.

Hotchkiss.

♪ my funny valentine ♪

♪ skee-bop-boo Valentine ♪

This may be rock bottom.

♪ you make me Spee-li-bop-boo ♪

I checked with my manager.

I can only give You store credit.

My ass. I'm going to talk to her.

♪ your looks Are laughable ♪

♪ un-skee-di-li-bop-boo Affable ♪

♪ stay, funny valentine ♪

♪ skee-bop-boo-bee-bop-bow ♪

♪ each day Is valentine's ♪

♪ day ♪

♪ skee-di-li-bop-boo-bee- Bop-bop-bop, yeah ♪

What? Why did I have To come down here?

I had a binder with 50 steps To plan the perfect day.

Here's the 51st.

"If it's right, Don't take 'no' for an answer."

It wasn't right with him. It's right with you.

Oh, sweetie.

- sofanda is back. - grab a dress.

Latin funk?

Sorry, but you cannot cancel Los amigos del funk.

They have no phone.

Whoo! Yeah.

Ryan, have I introduced you To sasha?

Five times now. It's very nice meeting you...

Again.

Here's your fifth one Of these too.

- I'll be back in a minute. - I'll be here.

Hey, buddy boy.

Hey.

Can I buy you a drink?

I'm quite certain You didn't drive here.

I'm sorry About the other night.

Ah, don't be. It's for the best.

She's nuts...

Says the man who, From anyone else's perspective,

Is talking To a coat rack.

Talking to a coat rack?

- yep. - okay.

I don't think I can be

With somebody like her Right now.

Maybe she's just Who you should be with.

I mean, you told her The crazy truth about you.

She didn't freak out.

And you need to stop Feeling guilty.

I want you to be happy.

Come on, go to her, now.

Why are you Trying to wrap this up?

And why are you all dressed up? Do you have a date?

Well, It is valentine's day.

Go.

Hi.

I think we should be crazy Together.

Did you ask your dead wife About that?

Yes, but just briefly. She has a date, so...

Will you be crazy With me?

I'd love to be crazy With you.

I would like to make A toast to the goddesses.

You are beautiful, And you are strong.

And no one Needs men or rings

Or sanity To make them whole.

So, lauren, we managed To pull off a party

For four brides.

You ready To take the binder?

Yes.

Yes. You guys Have inspired me. I'm ready.

You start tonight By picking a venue.

Here's a surprise to help--

Back one day early From his trip, wyatt!

Happy valentine's day, baby.

- oh, my-- - oh, no, sweetie.

- ooh! - oh, um, that--

Uncanny. Sorry.

Whoo! Yeah.