Original subtitles

Hey, ryan, This is bob costas.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Oh, god. Oh, my god.

Hey, ryan, this is bob costas.

Hey, ryan, This is bob costas.

Hey, ryan, why don't you play The whole message?

Because bob costas Is my hero.

He's the greatest broadcaster Who ever lived.

He is the closest We humans have

To a deity Here on earth.

I'd like to believe There's a god.

I know there's a costas.

And he called you. That's good, right?

Unless it's bad.

He's a notoriously savage Critic.

Maybe he called to say He doesn't like the show.

He's the entire reason They cancelled my name is earl.

You're great. You don't need his approval.

You know what, You're right.

To hell with that guy.

He doesn't decide my worth.

I decide my worth.

Hey, ryan, This is bob costas.

I caught the show Yesterday.

You're really doing great stuff.

My hat's off to you.

Count me as a fan.

Check that. Big fan.

Excuse me.

Call me back When you get a second, okay?

Yes! Yes! He likes me.

I'm good. We did it.

I told you we could do it, And we did it.

What's all the shouting?

Bob costas called ryan.

Does he hate the show?

Screw that guy. Who's he?

He's a fan.

He's a fan. He likes us!

He likes us! He likes us!

Hey, ryan, This is bob costas.

I caught the show yesterday.

Both: You're really doing great stuff.

My hat's off to you.

Count me as a fan.

All: check that. Big fan.

Excuse me.

Call me back When you get a second, okay?

Ooh, carrie, I got one more Thing I need you to do for me.

♪ big, big fan ♪

♪ hey, ryan, This is bob costas ♪

Call me back When you get a second, okay?

- ♪ hey, ryan ♪ - I love technology.

Ryan, bob costas Calling you back.

Guess we're playing Phone tag now.

Ooh, what will we play next, Bob costas?

I have news. My niece Is having her quinceanera.

It's a beautiful celebration For girl's 15th birthday.

Wow, did the group Just share

Two pieces of good news In a row?

Time for anne to throw Some cold water on everything.

And that is just the kind Of joke we're not ready for yet.

Look for invitations. All my best families,

All my best friends. - it's time.

Oh, no. Are we all gonna die?

No, the mars curiosity soil Sample arm is about to engage.

Ryan, mr. K's an accomplished Aerospace engineer

With the jet propulsion labs.

I'm sorry. Mr. K is a rocket scientist?

Yes, he's been designing The curiosity rover

For ten years now.

I just played a small part.

You make it sound Like I'm dr. Adam seltzner,

Who, by the way, Just left me a message.

Didn't feel the need To make a big deal about it.

An 8-centimeter robot arm

Is about to take A soil sample on mars.

If it succeeds,

My life has been worth living.

If it fails, I'll be like yolanda.

Oh, it's okay. We have a thing

Where we're mean to each other, But it's fun.

No, we don't.

Oh, here it goes.

Come on, baby. Do your business.

Dvvvft. Dvvvft.

It dvvvft-ed.

Oh, congratulations. Let's hear it for mr. K.

But not too loud, as we know It sexualized him in the past.

That's great, man.

I can't wait to hear

What you're gonna do next.

- next? - well, you know, that's over,

So what's your next challenge?

You're right.

I have nothing.

No, no, no. I was just--

My life has no purpose.

I'm just waiting to die.

Like yolanda.

Carrie, I'm getting antsy

Waiting for bob costas To call back.

- costas is on the phone. - it's happening.

It's happening.

Bob. - ryan king?

Yeah, this is bob costas. - "Hey, ryan,

This is bob costas." Like the message you left me.

I've listened to it Like a thousand times.

It's like if stairway to heaven Called me.

Funny, I actually played The message you left for me

A bunch of times too. - really?

No. Listen, I'm rolling out A new tv show.

I think there might be A place for you.

You come do a spot. If it works,

We're in business. What do you say?

- bob, I'm really flattered. - great.

Call my office, And we'll set it up.

It could win you another emmy.

Actually, I don't have any.

Tell you what, I'll bring one of mine over,

You can keep it. - okay.

Ryan, that's amazing.

I can't do tv.

Why not?

Have you never googled him?

What do you do all day

Besides read your old lady Soap opera magazines?

Long ago, Ryan tried his hand at tv.

One fateful day,

Found himself on camera Next to a mr. Richard eisen.

We're talking football, then He switched it up to soccer,

Took me out of my comfort zone.

The lights, The cameras recording an image.

One that would end up On the internet

And be seen by everyone.

This is why I can't do tv Anymore,

Even if bob costas himself Asked me back in.

Ryan, we've all had Embarrassing moments.

Remember owen's story About how he was on the beach

Wearing only a towel,

Then a white horse Came and ate his towel?

That never happened.

Lauren, I might be having Dreams about owen.

Sonia, don't start Another group affair.

That's how we lost carl.

Dude, that was worth it.

Nothing's worth it anymore.

My life is devoid of meaning

Or purpose or hope.

What brave emotional honesty. Let's discuss that further.

No, ryan has his thing. My despair can wait.

Yeah.

So, ryan, If this had gone well,

You'd still be doing tv?

Yeah, if I could go back And erase that, yeah.

Then go back on that show And get it right this time.

Yeah. Eisen would have me back on.

It'd be tough to pull off Without janie around, though.

She knew just how to relax me.

She would smile And give me a scalp massage

And tell me That I was gonna be great,

And I believed her.

That's it. That's my new purpose.

- what? - ryan.

I'm going to replace janie. - what?

I'm capable. I can do great things.

Dvvvft. Dvvvft. Dvvvft.

Wow, it's like she's back.

Hello.

Owen.

What do you wear To a quinceanera?

You know, danny, I'm happy you asked,

Because, if you don't commit to The appropriate cultural garb,

It's really offensive.

Hoo. I would hate to offend someone.

Well, you have Bullfighter stuff, right?

- no. - dude, we need to go shopping.

We need to get you Some...

Fausta, honey, there's been Some kind of mistake.

You forgot to send me an Invitation to the quinceanera.

I didn't forget.

You are not invited.

Wait a minute.

Not that I care-- I mean, I clearly have

Way better things to do-- Why not?

Because you are--how you say-- You are sour,

You are difficult.

Momento. Sonia wrote a few down for me.

"You are wet blanket, Bummer,

Buzz kill, Bit-cah?"

How you read?

- "Bitch." - yes. That's good.

"Bitch."

If janie were here and you had Something in your teeth

And she told you, Would you appreciate that?

- yeah. - put this poppy seed

In your teeth.

Well, look who it is dipping His toe back in the tv waters.

Returning to the scene of the Crime, ryan, it's a bold move.

Hey, very nice of you To have me on,

Especially after all the shots I take at you on the air.

Well, what happens On the radio

Is between you And dan from burbank.

Listen, is there anything I can get you?

Coffee, medication, Anything to help you avoid

Another epic meltdown like The last time you were on tv?

You know, I figured out What happened last time.

I had an allergic reaction To your hair gel.

Shouldn't be a problem anymore, Huh, rich eisen?

I'm frozen without retort, Sort of like--

Oh, is that playing on every Possible screen behind me?

Yeah, it is.

We've been practicing this Ever since you called.

He's gonna destroy me.

When people leave espn,

They're angry, deranged.

What does chris berman Do to them?

Shh.

No, mr. K, you can't--

Oh, oh, so good. Oh...

Now take off your shirt.

- get out. - okay.

And we are on in three,

Two...

Welcome to rich eisen live.

It's ryan king On the show, everybody,

And, ryan, we are gonna talk About the nfl,

But first I'd love To talk a little bit of soccer

And get your thoughts

On this year's Premier league championship.

Ryan, you okay?

Yes, I'm just surprised By the easy question.

I love an underdog.

That's why I'm A big rich eisen fan.

So I'm going with man city To repeat.

Especially since their Vice-captain micah richards

Will be back in boots.

It's a pleasure Talking footie with you.

All right. I got this.

I'm ready for costas.

This is called a walk-off.

It's a baseball term, Rich eisen.

Whoo! My man!

Making my moment weird. Get out, get out, get out.

Do you experience me As a wet blanket? A bummer?

Anne, you're kind of catching Me off guard here, but yeah.

Fausta didn't invite me To her niece's thing.

I mean, yes, okay, I'm not All sunshine and rainbows,

But my life is hell.

I'm basically drowning In a sea of sorrow.

Hard to imagine Why she wouldn't want that

At a 15-year-old's party.

I can be as difficult As I want.

My stuff is bigger than hers.

I don't think She sees it that way.

Why are you defending her? Why aren't you mad?

Well, I was invited.

What? It never even occurred

To me That she would invite you.

That's it.

She's not getting away With this.

Honey, is she bothering you?

What the Is this?

I don't want to know.

So will I be joining you for Your special tv show tomorrow?

Well, the stakes Are pretty high tomorrow.

Why don't we discuss it Over dinner?

Let's take a look At this lasagna.

You were in there for Three hours, and this is cereal.

- yeah. - yeah.

Maybe we skip tomorrow.

- what are you doing? - I'm loosening up.

I heard costas goes in hard For the handshake.

He believes he can measure A man's worth

By his grip, and I don't want To come up short.

Just think, carrie.

Any moment he's gonna walk up With that voice.

"Hi, I'm bob costas.

Hi, I'm bob costas."

Hi, I'm bob costas.

He does it so much better.

- good to meet you, ryan. - oh, thanks for ha...

You know, Everybody I shake hands with

Has pretty much That same reaction.

And the funny thing is,

I'm a natural lefty.

Who's this? - oh, that doesn't matter.

All right, look, I got to find out

What you're all about. Just vibe with me here.

I want to try something, okay?

Go with me. Epic, defining moments,

Blah, blah, blah,

Unscripted drama of sports, Blah, blah, blah,

Mr. October, Blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, this is gonna work. Here are the topics.

Look 'em over, and I'll see you For the second segment.

- okay. - hey, bob costas.

Put her there. - ow.

Oh, my god. This is perfect.

Hockey, The state of the red sox--

This is everything I ever talk about.

Can I touch you up Before the shoot?

Tv.

You're not gonna try To put anything in my eyes

To make them pop, Are you?

Actually, could you?

I love this guy.

Owen, where's your outfit?

You're offending everyone here.

Everyone is offending Everyone here.

Oh, danny, the jacket, That's owen's fault,

But the shoes--ooh, the shoes Are on you, bud.

- hey. - anne, what are you doing here?

Shut it, aladdin.

Fausta does not get To exclude me from this.

Look there. A completely empty table.

All right, Out of the way, girls.

Widow coming through. Yeah, that's right.

Life ain't all justin bieber And second base.

We're back in five.

Hello, is ryan king here? He forgot his lunch.

- who are you? - who are you?

I'm bob.

What do you do, bob?

I'm a sports broadcaster.

Is that all? My name is mr. K.

Robert quinlan cost...

Well, all right, mr. K. I'm listening.

Sports broadcasting-- How long have you done that?

Well, I was the voice Of the spirits of st. Louis

Of the a.B.A. Back in 1974.

Huh, I spent the last Ten years building a robot arm

That goes dvvvft, dvvvft.

Now I have to be brave enough To ask, "What's next?"

You know, I can relate to that.

Here I am with a new show,

And yet I'm talking About sports.

There's so much more I could talk about--

Philosophy, Poetry, music,

Nanotechnology.

I'd watch that show.

I could do that show.

But you won't.

That candy, is that, like, For anybody?

Hoo. - hey, gator,

Forget about the graphics

On the kings And the red sox.

Load these in. Okay, thanks.

Hey, ryan, This is gonna be good.

We're gonna change things up A little bit.

Why? I was excited for the way Things were going to exactly be.

I talked to him. You're welcome.

Ooh, your eyes look awesome.

And welcome back To the new and, we think,

Improved bob costas show.

There's a lot to talk about Out there,

And ryan king is here To help us get

To the bottom of it all.

Thank you, bob. For the first time,

Los angeles is a hockey town.

When the l.A. Kings Won the cup--

Ryan, let's take a look At the first graphic, all right?

Thoughts?

Uh...

No.

Leonardo fibonacci, Mathematician.

Born 1170, pisa. Died 1240, pisa.

Your thoughts On the fibonacci sequence--

Divine numerical progression

Or cruel illusion of order Out of chaos?

No, costas Is going intellectual.

You want to talk numbers,

911, that's a sequence Of numbers

That you should call.

The fashion police to talk

About that firbucci's hat there.

Has ryan had the talk With you?

About how he's secretly stupid?

- he is? - big time.

Doesn't know What the taj mahal is.

Uses the word "Literally" wrong All the time.

He does. The other day,

He said it was literally 1,000 degrees.

What he's brilliant at Is steering a conversation back

To his sweet spot.

He's got two moves--first, Hard turn back into sports.

Now personally I'd say That's too much power

Even for a supreme court justice To have.

Well, you want to talk about A justice with too much power--

David justice. Hit a lot of home runs, bob,

But how many of them Were clean?

I mean, how many of 'em Should have

A little star thingy Next to 'em?

You mean, an asterisk?

He doesn't know The word "Asterisk."

I've heard him call it An asteroid.

His other move is distracting

With lame pop culture References.

Here's my question--

Where has all the talk About monet and manet gone?

All kids learn about is dali And m.C. Escher.

Well, I would like To quote another m.C.

No. No.

- m.C. Hammer. - no.

Because, when you take The monets and the manets,

You can't touch this.

Am I right?

Space or time?

Which are we really moving Through, and ultimately

Does it matter?

Ryan. Ryan.

Well, our thanks to...

Ryan king.

And the bob costas show Continues after these messages.

- we're clear. - all right.

Let's change this Back to sports.

That sucked.

Did you see that, What just happened?

That was literally A train wreck.

No, ryan, it was figuratively A train wreck.

- what? - that was awesome, ryan.

You!

You ruined everything.

Just like janie used to?

I told you To stay home.

But you forgot Your lunch.

This is pictures of food!

Look, be as weird As you want in group,

But this is my life.

This could have been

A huge opportunity for me, And you ruined it.

I don't want your help anymore.

I make things worse.

I'm gonna need Those eyelashes back.

What lashes?

- anne. - yeah.

If you're gonna be here, Would you care

To come sit someplace Less conspicuous?

Look at her Having so much fun

With her family And her friends

While I sit at the table With my partner, loneliness.

Yeah, I'm off the clock.

- bueno, bueno. - hey!

Banana shoes, come. Translate for me.

I want to hear What she says about me.

No, don't sit At the table.

It lessens my isolation.

She's glad that we made it.

She loves her niece.

Wow, what an orator.

Move over, abe lincoln.

Oh, here it is.

What'd she say about me?

"This table is left empty To honor those

"Who can't be here with us.

"Like, two beautiful sons, My husband, my little girl.

Every day I miss them."

"Being without them Fills me with a great sorrow."

Disculpame!

She's apologizing for my shoes.

She's explaining Don't be mad at me.

My head is soft Like a--

There's not An exact translation,

But it's a large, Mexican gourd-like vegetable.

Fausta, I'm sorry That you miss your family.

I'm sorry I sat at your table.

I, uh, I am a bit-cah.

No.

It's okay.

You and these people,

You help fill My empty table.

Oh, my chiquita.

How do you do it?

How do you smile With so much pain?

You can smile Or you can cry.

And I choose to smile. You people help.

Come on.

Let's get you fun clothes.

- what? - no more sad man suit.

This is a good suit.

No, it's not Supposed to be.

♪ hola my little mama ♪

♪ the way you move it, You get me going ♪

Oh!

Anne, you look so pretty.

Yeah, fausta's niece Made a costume change,

So this was available.

Now come with me, senorita. We find you a man.

- oh. - and don't say no.

Why can't she find a man?

Maybe she's shy.

- that's it. - vamonos.

Oh, good god.

Okay, I'm first.

Hey. Hi.

Hi. So the costas thing Didn't go so well, huh?

It was literally The apocalypse.

Look, mr. K is really upset.

He feels responsible.

I think You should go talk to him.

No. I got enough problems.

I let that guy Back into my life,

There'll be no end to it.

The man is a menace.

Ryan, do you remember How excited you were

When you thought bob costas Was gonna be in your life?

Yeah.

You are mr. K's bob costas.

Now I'm really sorry You lost yours,

But does he have To lose his too?

Oh, god, Look at him.

Are those tears in his beard? - yeah.

Becoming a better person Is such a drag.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm sorry I yelled at you.

You were just trying To help.

It won't happen again.

Put this poppy seed In your mouth.

You have something In your teeth.

Thank you.

We're back.

How long We gonna do this for?

Exactly 45 seconds.

Okay.

- starting now. - okay.

Lots going on In the world of sports,

And we will talk About none of it.

You all remember This instant classic, don't you?

Well, now he has a brother.

Christmas has come early, Rich eisen fans,

Or hanukkah, kwanzaa.

Ryan king's humiliation Knows no religious boundaries.

It's the gift from the heavens, The gift that keeps on giving.

Eisen, you evil bastard. You win again.

Oh, honey, you're on tv.