Original subtitles

So just a few minutes left.

Does anyone else Have anything?

Well, a college buddy Is coming into town

For a job interview, Gonna stay with me.

Oh, you must be Really excited to see him.

- her. - what?

Whoa, That was way too loud,

And, yes, It's a her.

All: ooh.

No, no, no, It's not like that.

Steven, amy, and I did A college radio show together.

We were friends, And there was

One night where we kissed, And there was some electricity.

Electric night, Like the song.

Mm.

♪ electric night The moon is on fire ♪

♪ electric night, Filled with desire ♪

- that's not a song. - no.

- are you sure? - mm-hmm.

Did I just make that up? Wow.

It's good.

So you spending thanksgiving With your new lover?

All: ooh.

No, I have to work.

I'm doing a halftime show.

Am I the only one Who can't get electric night

Out of their head?

Oh, One thanksgiving question.

Whose house Are we going to?

Oh, mr. K, we're not spending Thanksgiving together.

If we were, We would've assigned dishes

And selected a time And discussed it once.

Maybe we should do it.

I was planning on going To my really cool neighbors',

But they haven't invited me, So I don't think I will.

I'm not gonna lie, I don't Love setting the precedent

That we spend Holidays together.

I mean, We're not the brady bunch.

Can we be? I call peter.

Oh, sweetie, Why peter?

Why not greg? That's just low self-esteem.

Ooh, I call cindy!

- what are you doing? - I'm jan.

I'm in the square Next to you, alice.

No, don't.

Oh, this is the middle row. That makes me peter.

Greg, I'm greg, I'm greg, I'm greg.

- yeah. - I'm not doing this.

This is me not looking around And enjoying my newfound family.

All right, This is awesome.

Look at this place, Half-empty on a tuesday night.

You know where these kids Probably are?

At home watching Stupid youtube videos.

Back in the day When we were here,

We were stupid in person.

- nobody wanted it. - and we gave it to them.

Remember that game Where we run around

And see how many Strangers' beers we could drink

Before we got punched In the face?

I believe you are talking About "Booze rodeo," my friend.

Amy was not on board.

Yeah, like she didn't do Embarrassing things,

Like taking over the jukebox, Playing the same song

Over and over and over?

What was that song?

It was--

Where are you? It's not funny.

- amy, hey! - hi!

- hey. - hey.

- hi. - that song makes me crazy.

And it's going to for a while. I put, like, 50 bucks in there.

Wow, you look amazing.

Oh, well.

It's kinda weird That you're not saying

I look amazing back.

Makes you seem jealous And catty.

And we're back With ryan king.

Ryan, you started your career

With broadcasting superstar Amy quinn.

You both seemed destined For greatness.

Then she became A peyton manning,

And you, a ryan leaf.

Steven, ryan leaf Was a football player.

I know who he is. I know sports.

No. No, you don't.

But you do look great.

You--there's something wrong With your hands.

There's no drinks in them.

Bring us drinks! Both: drinks! Drinks!

Drinks! Drinks! - drinks!

I think we're trying To recapture something

That we never did.

I like it, though. Let's make it a thing.

- drinks! - drinks, drinks, drinks!

Drinks, drinks! Does it have a hand thing?

- I don't think so. - oh.

Both: Drinks! Drinks! Drinks!

All right, Steven's coming back.

Let's force him To talk about sports,

And don't let him Off the hook.

Don't let him do that thing Where he trails off

And expects you To finish his sentence for him.

- okay. - hey.

Both: hey!

So, steven, What do you think

About the steelers' Running back situation?

Obviously, They have the young guy.

He was great in college.

Uh, where'd he play? It was the u of, um--

You say it.

Well, they played That other big team.

It was--

No, not familiar yet.

So these two teams-- They played,

And they had that guy--

And that guy played In a game

For the u of some state?

Okay, You guys are mean,

And this is the reason I was Your only friend in college.

Next round's on me.

It is good to see her, Man.

I know.

No, no, I mean, good.

Uh-oh, it's sexy steven.

I like her. She's hot. She's funny.

I've always thought so.

Well, you should go for it, Man.

I don't know.

I always thought of you and her As kind of a thing.

That wouldn't be weird For you?

No, we're friends.

And even if I saw her that way, Which I don't,

It's way too early for me To be doing anything,

So I'm gonna help you out.

Unbutton that button, And show her your chest hairs.

They're both adorable.

What?

Did you guys see that?

All right, I'll get us Some drinks.

Great.

Hey, talk me up.

Mention that I taught you How to kiss.

No, don't mention that. It sounds weird.

It's also not true.

Oh, wow.

Well, not everybody Can have steven's athleticism

And gentleness and knowledge Of what women want.

Okay, listen.

Just take the ball, Rest it like that.

Just think backspin.

- ahh! - there you go.

Yeah, I did it!

What?

Why are you looking At me funny?

Look? No.

I was just thinking About airline food.

I mean, what's going on there? Steven taught me how to kiss.

- hey. - hey.

Hi. - so where do you want me?

W-w-want you? To do what?

- to sleep? - oh, yeah.

Well, you can have my room. I'll sleep on the pullout bed.

- oh, can I help? - no, no, no.

Think you broke it.

What makes you say that?

- you okay? - yeah.

If you're not okay, I could sleep on the floor

Of the driveway.

- mm, no, I'm okay. - okay.

- okay, good night. - good night.

♪ electric night ♪

♪ the moon is on fire ♪

♪ electric night ♪

♪ filled With desire ♪

♪ are we a pair? Love fills the air ♪

♪ I don't know What to do ♪

Electric night ♪

Not even a real song.

Then, out of nowhere,

I think I'm starting To have feelings for her.

And steven likes her too.

Should you Be telling me this?

- hey! - work--we work in,

Um, in sports.

Great night last night, Huh?

I think she was really Into me.

Listen, amy and I are gonna Spend thanksgiving together.

Thought we'd day-trip it To santa barbara, you know?

Walk on the beach, Drink wine.

Sounds pretty good, right? - I don't know.

If my boyfriend Did that stuff for me,

He'd be gettin' lucky.

Don't try to hang With the boys, carrie.

Makes you seem cheap.

Santa barbara? That sounds terrible.

Besides, you have to come To my thanksgiving.

You're working Thanksgiving.

Which is Why I'm having it here.

Yeah. It's gonna be huge.

I invited everybody.

Carrie's gonna cook And host.

What? No, I'm going home to kentucky.

You don't have To go to kentucky.

Invite your parents here, Unless you think they'll come,

And then don't do that.

All right, steven, We'll see you and amy there.

So you want me to cook Thanksgiving dinner

In the office kitchen?

Carrie, I know You're a creative person.

I read your little notebooks When you're not at your desk.

I want you to channel All that lousy art

And terrible poetry Into a great meal.

You okay, carrie?

Seem kinda angry.

Oh, no, I've seen this look before.

She's just trying To think of recipes.

Guys, good news. I'm hosting thanksgiving dinner.

You're all invited. You're welcome.

Cool.

Oh, no, wait a minute. You never invite us to anything.

What is your angle? - shut up! Don't question it.

This is what we prayed for.

No, no, no, Anne is right.

This is suspicious.

If I learned anything In afghanistan,

It's that most of you Will soon be dead,

But I will Miraculously survive.

Ryan, What's really going on?

All right, okay, It's about the girl.

All: aw. - oh, crap.

Is this starting?

You're getting back On the horse?

Okay, ground rules-- I don't wanna hear any mention

Of action, getting it, Bumping uglies--

Anne, I'm gonna be honest, It's not that much better

When you say it.

You have nothing To worry about.

I'm not ready To act on anything,

But I do have some feelings For her,

And I think steven's Getting ready to make a play.

All: ooh. - steven is handsome.

Buddy, I do not like Your chances.

And if they do go out, It will close a door for me,

So what I need you guys to do At thanksgiving is to create

An atmosphere that's As desexualized as possible.

Oh, I think We can handle that.

Count me out.

My mom's dragging me To "Angry lady" thanksgiving.

My aunts just sit around And bitch

About how their men have done Them wrong and let them down.

- the guys aren't around? - no, they're there.

Owen, you should bring Your mom to ryan's.

It's always a good idea To get the family involved,

And she could be like a deputy In your healing journey.

You haven't met The woman, have you?

She ain't gonna be your deputy. - mm-mm.

But I would like To have her there.

I think she could scare The sex out of anyone.

It's worked for me So far.

Move on. We ain't talking about it.

Got it.

The teams playing today Are like guests

That come over For thanksgiving.

The patriots are like the remote Dad you can never please.

The jets are like Your sloppy, drunk uncle.

And then there are guys That come over every year,

And you have no idea why,

Like the lions Or that dude

That your cousin aaron Brings over every year.

Are they friends? Are they lovers?

This may not have anything To do with football,

But I love ya, aaron. We just want you to be happy.

Hey! Looks really good.

There she is, ryan's love!

Will you excuse me For one second?

Sure.

- hi. - h-hi.

- where'd you get that purse? - what's your favorite color?

Is it blue? It's the best color.

- how do you find america? - guys, we're overwhelming her.

She's gonna think We're weird.

Here's the plan. We take her to that office.

Everyone gets ten minutes.

Why does anyone Get any minutes?

Steven?

It's better If you just come with us.

Ryan!

We'll be back After the half.

Thanks for listening, Guys in prison

And sad people Whose tvs are broken.

Huh, we went with raisins In the stuffing.

We did.

Problem? - no, no, it's okay.

Just doesn't feel Like thanksgiving,

But that's fine.

Hey, anne. These are your kids?

What, you got an issue?

You thought they'd look Like what?

Finish your sentence.

You got something to say, king. Just say it.

Nice to have you here, Anne.

Welcome, kids. - ryan king.

I love your show so much. - mm.

No, you don't.

Every night, I go in my room

And listen to his podcasts For hours.

That's what you're doing In there?

That's so much worse Than I thought!

Well, come on. I'll show you some cool stuff.

- I wanna go too. - okay!

W-w-what kind Of pied piper [bleep] Is this?

Ryan, good news.

We met amy, And she's okay with us.

She gets it, you know?

We feel like we could travel With her.

Well, That's a load off.

Where's amy right now? She's not with steven, right?

No, she just went Down the stairs

With a very attractive Asian man.

- that's steven! - that's steven?

Oh, no, We're in big trouble.

I wished them A sensual afternoon,

And I have a wish Coming to me.

Ooh.

He runs Like the wind.

You know, all you need Is a few catchphrases.

You'll seem like you know What you're talking about.

All right, so when A quarterback hands off

To someone, and then he gets The ball back to pass--

That's a flea-flicker.

You're not messing With me, right?

- no. - 'cause I really wanna learn.

No, ask anyone.

And then when a player Has the ball,

But he's blindsided By another guy,

That is called A dipsy-dizzle.

Thank you.

So you're walking? I love walking.

Let's do this. This is better, right?

I think We can all agree on that.

Joyce, I'm so happy To meet you.

I'm so glad You could stop by.

Oh, a hugger?

- yeah. - oh, yeah.

So you're the leader, Trying to help owen

Through a hard time.

- yeah. - well, let's see it.

Show me what you got. Say something healing.

Oh!

It's a little bit hard

When you're put on the spot, You know?

It's like, "You're funny! Be funny!"

And you're all like--

Hey, give me Some of that wine.

You've got A tiger mom too?

They really dominate us, Huh?

That's why we're so crazy. - I'm not like you.

What stringed instrument Did she make you play?

Cello.

Oh, we should get together And jam.

I can get all up In some vivaldi.

Yeah, I can too.

Hey, sports fans. I'm your host ryan king.

Mom, why aren't you Being ryan king?

Hey, everybody.

All: hi. - oh, thank you.

- hi. - hi.

- hi. - oh, oh, uh, excuse me, steven.

This is the, uh, yams' chair. - what?

Oh, well, I don't know What you did in your home,

But in mine, We always had a yam chair.

Ryan, can I talk to you For a minute?

Sure.

Hey, guys, guys, Please, everybody enjoy

The bounty on the table And on the chair.

The yam chair.

Oh, don't fill up.

We gotta get To your aunt's soon.

You know, Sighs are feelings

That we can't put Into words.

Owen, what words Are you afraid to say?

Oh, owen's fine.

Can I give you Some parenting advice?

All: oh.

When kids are little, they Need us to hold their hands,

But when they become adults, They need us to let go.

Are you telling me How to raise my child?

- mm-mm. - no, no.

I don't think That's what happened.

- yes. - no.

What did you say

This childless woman's Qualifications were?

I have a certificate Of compassion

From a new beginnings Workshop.

New beginnings.

I learned to be a psychic From them.

Not helping.

I thought we understood Each other.

I thought you were okay with me Going for amy.

I am.

Then why do I feel like, Every time I turn around,

You're dipsy-dizzling me?

- it's not a thing. - damn her, she's awesome!

All right, look, the truth is, I've been thinking about it,

And I'm not ready To act on it,

But I may have Some feelings for her,

And I'd like To keep the option open,

So I guess you're gonna have To step back.

No.

But really sad stuff Happened to me.

No, no, not doing that. I'm into her.

I'm not backing down Just because you think

You might wanna do something One day, maybe.

Well, we always promised Each other

We'd never let a girl Come between us.

Pals before gals.

I know it's not as cool As "Bros before hos,"

But it was a simpler time.

Then who gets to go for her? How do we settle this?

How do we settle it?

Same way we used To settle things in college.

- I'm not afraid. - I'm not afraid.

Well, then, May the best man win.

No, may I win.

- mom, we found cardboard ryan. - oh, god.

Can we keep him? We love him.

We can kiss him at night, And he'll keep us safe.

Okay, Holidays are tough.

Barely keeping it Together here, lovies.

Owen, could you pass me The potatoes,

Or is that being Too controlling?

- mom. - oh, wait.

Do you mean old mom Or new mom?

Oh, I don't think I'm owen's mom.

Okay, I can't just listen To this.

Mrs. Lewis, I think it's terrible

What lauren said to you.

- yolanda! - I'm sorry, I follow the power!

- hey. - oh, hey.

Amy, everyone, We gotta go to a bar.

Be right back. - that's not very nice.

So you went to college With ryan.

Let's hear About his dirty laundry.

Well, uh, he was in a really Cheesy a cappella group.

They were called The alto--

No, I mean His actual laundry.

Where does he tend To sweat?

Imagine I had a really good Excuse to walk away right now.

I hope your mom Feels better.

♪ wanna be A troublemaker ♪

- ready? - oh, I'm ready.

Standard rules?

Whoever gets the most drinks Without getting punched wins.

- are we too old for this? - definitely.

Three, two, one, go.

Are you gonna pay for that? Loser.

Wha--?

- that's my beer. - hey!

- that's my beer. - that's my beer.

Man, bro, give me my beer.

Didn't think it would be you. I'm out.

Oh, there you are.

Oh, come on. Booze rodeo?

Shh, shh, shh.

Something magical Is happening.

Come back here!

He's the first to break The ten-drink barrier.

No!

Who knows When this incredible run will--

It's over.

Hey, I won!

Hey, owen.

You wanna go and throw the ball Around outside, huh?

I'm sorry, I can't Beat around the bush anymore.

Mrs. Lewis, This is really doing it for me.

I would like To be owen's daddy.

- okay, we are out of here. - mom, no.

Excuse me?

Look, I'm allowed to be With my friends on thanksgiving.

Oh, so I see you're choosing Them over me?

- no! - they're better than me?

No, no, no, You're way better than them.

They're weird And confused.

Son, don't use that tone With your mother.

You're not gonna be My daddy.

This works for me. Don't be so insecure.

I mean, it's never gonna be You versus them.

You're my mom. It's always gonna be you.

Oh. All: aw.

If you helped him Get to this,

Thank you.

You're young enough, we don't Need to have that journey.

You choose me too. Now hug me.

Thank you.

Seriously, what is wrong With you and steven?

You've been acting strange All day,

And then you left me At the table

With the odd, Bearded gentleman.

Well, we're fighting Over something.

Well, what is it? What is so important?

What? What is that, Some sort of effeminate magic?

We're fighting over you.

Yeah, you and I, I think, On some level, I'd like--

No.

Well, you don't even know What I was gonna say.

I always know What you were going to say.

No.

Oh, okay, good.

So our shorthand Has allowed me

To get more quickly To the humiliation?

You're just not ready,

And anyway,

I'm not gonna be The first one.

What?

Janie was the love Of your life.

I can't be the first one After her.

If you're asking, Do I have feelings for you?

I do.

I have forever.

Really?

But I'm not gonna follow Michael jordan.

I'm not following elway.

I love it That you take it back to sports.

Well, yeah.

We'd be good.

Yeah.

Okay, so not now,

But maybe After I've dated 3?

- mm. - 5?

- hmm. - 50?

There's a point Where it gets gross.

Okay.

I can wait.

Sure, you can.

You just came To this party.

I've been waiting A long time,

But who knows better Than I do, right?

♪ love hurts ♪

It's better with a boom box.

Something's lost.

Yeah, Tiny technology is nice,

But it's harder To make a statement.

This has been A great thanksgiving

For half of us-- The half whose team won.

For the other half, it's time For some brutal honesty.

There's six weeks left In the nfl season.

Physicists tell us That objects that suck

For 11 weeks Tend to remain sucking,

So it's time To think about rebuilding,

And you never know How long that's gonna take.

The right player Can come along tomorrow

And change everything.

In the meantime, you gotta take Care of the people you got.

Hey, I felt bad About the whole amy thing,

And I know you wanna be more Into sports, so here you go.

Aw.

He's a rookie From slovenia.

Mybalzich. He's good?

He's special.

It may not be the ones You choose,

But they're your team.

Your mom Wasn't hard enough on you.

Again.