Original subtitles

Ryan, the first birthday After a loss

Can be tricky, And the group wants to find

A way to support you.

In the most awesome way Possible.

I have set up-- Drumroll, please...

A ryan king-themed Scavenger hunt.

There's a company That does it,

And they create These fun ryan challenges

Based on ryan's life.

Are there teams? 'cause I call ryan,

Lauren, and anyone Except for mr. K.

We're all god's children, But I'm in it to win it,

And there's something wrong With you.

None taken.

Guys, I appreciate you

Focusing your bizarre, Manic energies on me,

But I'm not celebrating My birthday.

Ryan, I hear What you're saying,

But let's talk About what you're feeling.

I'm going to be Ryan's inner monologue.

I'm ryan,

And I'm afraid Of the emotions

This birthday Might bring up,

So I'm hiding behind Mr. Tough guy.

And I'm--sorry, I just got Really self-conscious.

Listen, no offense to-- Did the first bear have a name?

Please forget that happened.

I'm just gonna Make one up.

No offense to randy...

- good bear name. - thanks, man.

Randy, Janie spent months

Planning these elaborate events For me--

Dinners, surprise parties.

"You must have liked it."

Actually, randy, I hated it.

And there's a big part of me That's relieved

That I don't have To do anything this year.

"Sure would be nice If folks respected you

And would just let you be."

I agree, colonel cow,

But people think They know better.

"Well, That's just baaad manners."

I know he's mocking What we do,

But it's mesmerizing.

Ryan, we hear you,

And we honor your words, But, over the past few months,

A bond has formed And we--

Oh, don't say it.

- we love you. - no.

We love you.

Guys, even if I wanted to, I can't.

I have to watch My friend steven.

He's having A medical procedure done.

Ooh, I'll watch steven.

I'm a registered nurse.

Just tell me His dietary needs

And how targeted the sponge bath Should be, wink.

I'm kidding. The sexy nurse is a stereotype.

But those stories don't just Make themselves up, double wink.

Okay, now these people Who love you

Would like to celebrate Your birthday with you.

And if I know them, they are Not gonna give up easily.

They will probably start To chant.

All: chant, chant, chant, Chant, chant, chant.

Okay, guys, I will do The scavenger hunt.

- yay! - good boy.

But, in the future, You can't just say

The word "Chant."

Your chants have To have content.

All: content, content,

Content, content, content. - this is a mess.

Thanks for picking me up, Buddy.

You know, they said I'd feel groggy,

But I feel on it. Sharp.

Whoa, your shirt feels So silky.

I want to feel that on me.

Let's see Where the evening takes us.

I want to go shopping.

It feels like I should spend Lots of money

And make major decisions.

The doctor said You should really rest

Until the anesthesia wears off.

Colonoscopies, Birthdays--

We're getting older, Broseph.

Don't say broseph.

Steven. Ryan. Life, act two.

The sun's starting to set.

How we gonna play it?

Hey, who wants To watch

Their colon video? Someone's pink and perfect.

♪ don't hang on ♪

♪ nothing lasts forever But the earth and sky ♪

I really think You should lie down.

♪ dust in the wind ♪

♪ all we are Is dust in the wind ♪

Please, oh, please, Go to sleep.

Sing it with me.

If you sing it, Then I'll know you understand.

♪ dust in the wind ♪

♪ everything is dust In the wind ♪

- who sings that song? - kansas.

Let's keep it that way.

- hey. - hi.

Sorry I'm late.

I'm having huge drama With my ex-boyfriend.

Not looking To get into that right now.

It is rough.

Jason's moved on, And I haven't,

And he keeps tagging me On all these facebook photos

Of him and his new babe.

Really rubbing it in my face.

Why don't you Get six or seven cats?

That seemed to work out well Last time.

Wow, why don't you have Your wife not be dead?

- okay. - yeah.

He sleeps so pretty,

Like an angel.

I want to pet him

And feed him And brush his hair.

All right, I'm off To the scavenger hunt.

Don't let him go anywhere And don't let him buy anything.

Oh, hey, ryan, You're still here?

Okay.

Okay, team, First challenge.

Let's do this. Hi.

We're doing a scavenger hunt,

And we need you To put his picture

On your celebrity wall of fame.

I don't know Who this is.

What do you mean? He's famous.

Show him. Say something boring About sports.

Yeah.

Oh, and all these people Are famous?

You have a picture Of a puppet up there.

Who's that? Your aunt?

That's cyd charisse,

Legendary dancer Of stage and cinema,

You uncultured birthday ass.

You know Who cyd charisse is?

No, I've never seen brigadoon Or singin' in the rain

Or ziegfeld follies Or guys and dolls.

She wasn't In guys and dolls.

That was a test. You passed.

K, there is more to you Than meets the eye.

That's the first nice thing You've ever said to me.

I'm about to get attached. If you want out, tell me now.

Sir, I'm in the market for Some big-ticket dry-cleaning.

What? We're not gonna bribe him.

Did cyd charisse bribe him?

She didn't have to. She did this.

Women: oh.

When have you ever done Anything that beautiful?

I've never seen it.

Hey.

Oh, no, They're here.

We have to find Another dry-cleaner.

Ryan, aren't you having fun?

Be as happy as this guy.

"I'm ryan.

I'm having a great birthday,

'cause everybody loves me."

Felt good to be ryan.

Tough to be back.

Please be happy, ryan.

This scavenger hunt Cost a fortune.

By the way, I put it on my credit card,

And people said they'd chip in. - que?

Oh, all of a sudden You don't speak any english?

Oh, wait a minute.

My phone's ringing.

I hope whatever this is Doesn't tear me away from--

Hey, carrie.

Thought I told you I was not to be bothered.

I'm in the middle Of a scavenger hunt.

Why are you Making me do this?

These people are trying so hard To be nice to you.

What's that you say?

Some kind Of a work emergency?

It's a code black?

Well, that would mean I'd have to leave right now.

Can't it at least wait Till after--

Sorry, guys. I gotta go.

- code black? - it's a code black, yeah.

I understand.

Hey, so that phone call Was b.S., right?

Yeah, I don't want Any of this.

I just needed To stop the chanting.

You understand? - yeah, totally.

You don't need this. - exactly.

I mean, it's really awesome That you did this much.

I know, right?

You don't owe These yahoos anything.

Uh-oh. Sensing a turn.

- you are the worst. - there it is.

Faster than I thought.

Permission to speak Outside my role

As loss counselor? - permission denied.

These people Care about you.

I said, "Permission denied."

They are trying, and If you keep pushing them away,

They're gonna stop trying. And you know what?

I'm getting a little tired Of trying too,

So just... Have a nice day.

Well, you are A very mean lady.

And it is my birthday.

- hey. - hey.

Ryan had to go out, So he left me in charge.

Why'd you stop petting me?

- ooh. - mm.

I feel like shopping.

Ryan said I'm not supposed To let you go out.

But I want To buy pretty clothes.

You know what, Screw ryan.

He's controlled us For too long.

- yeah. - yeah.

My shoes are there. Find my feet.

Let's go. - okay.

Come on, lauren. Don't be mad.

Look, these people Matter to you,

And you need to treat them Like that.

I got a little insight For you.

You like those.

This is how I treat loved ones.

Janie got this all the time.

When I am into something, I am in.

When I am not, I act like a little boy

Who's mad at his mom For taking him to the bank

And I go boneless.

Watch this.

Okay, pretend this is a bank.

All right.

I hate this.

I'm so bored, and all the pens Are on chains.

Come sit.

See, the point is, My poor behavior

Is not loss-related.

So being a jerk Is a pre-existing condition?

Yes, madame, and for that There is no cure.

Yes, there is.

We can help you With more than your loss.

We can help you To be a better person.

I don't know How to be a better person.

Well, sometimes you just have To fake it till you make it.

You mean I get To pretend?

- yeah. - I can pretend

I enjoy anything. I've interviewed soccer players.

See? Now come on.

Chin up. Shoulders back.

Big smile. Now get in there.

I crossed a line. - no, it's actually okay.

Yes, protector of the wall, I Would like my picture up please.

There is a congressman--

That is me. That is my show.

That is me expressing passion About school vouchers.

I'm either for them Or against them.

I don't really watch my show.

Okay, okay, we send This picture to the company,

And then they send us The next clue.

Go!

Yes. We are winning, bitches.

I'm enjoying myself.

Let's go, my team.

I think it's fantastic.

What do you think?

Can't tell Until I see you pose in it.

Now walk.

Okay, now hide.

Reveal yourself.

Oh, yes. Okay, hide.

No, not there. Hide somewhere else.

Show yourself.

That's a surprise.

- ♪ shake what you got ♪ - be happy.

Smile.

Jump.

I like what he's wearing.

Good. Because that's you, sir.

Awesome.

A replay Of college ryan's arrest

Is what we now are seeking.

Someone don your birthday suit And recreate him streaking.

This is so great, you know.

At first I was Faking liking this,

But now I'm totally into it.

I'm still faking.

Wow, you streaked in college. How original.

Okay. Who's gonna do it?

Oh, is that all I am to you?

A man with something wrong With his brain

So he doesn't feel shame?

College!

White butts are funny!

They don't even look real.

Suck it, red team!

Sharks number one!

Apparently We have team names now.

Why do we have to be The red team?

Can't we come up with A cooler name?

Let me think.

Ooh!

How about the "How did my life Get to this point?"

Can we call ourselves that?

Damn, if he doesn't move Like gene kelly.

Oh, yeah!

Steven?

I got those pants tighter And in pink like you asked.

Ooh. - what are these?

- uh... - what am I doing here?

Did I just spend $2,000 On a pair of cigarette pants?

Shh! Who's pretty when he's quiet?

You are.

Okay, you weren't supposed To take me out of brian's house.

All right, Where are my boxers?

They ruined your line. You said so.

I have never felt So violated.

And earlier today I had photographic equipment

Snaking through me.

This is done. I'm out of here.

Wait, let me explain.

You're a pretty man.

Go on.

While the medication lasted, You were a dumb, pretty man.

I used to have that With jason and now he's gone.

Look, here's a picture of him On facebook.

He's happy, he's moved on.

That's his new girlfriend.

How am I supposed to Compete with that?

I'll show you how.

Sir?

We're gonna make this lady As beautiful as I am.

We're gonna need dresses,

Impractical shoes, Booby shirts.

We're gonna Post our own pictures,

And your man is gonna be Dumb, pretty, and jealous.

Then we're gonna go Horseback riding.

I'm still high. - yes!

Kerry, kerry, kerry!

Where's the t-shirt gun? - the other guys have it?

You gave the sharks The t-shirt gun?

You were just Trying to get out of this!

Where's the backup gun?

I will tell you If you let me

Give you a big birthday hug!

All: aww. - you're the best boss

And I want you to have Good health and happiness.

I'm going boneless.

Oh, god, how do you do that? No...

It's in the supply closet.

Supply closet! Come on.

Go!

Come on, we just need To shoot three of them.

You miss again. Again?

I thought you were in army.

Yeah, they're a little more Supportive over there.

Two to go!

- hurry up! - go, go!

Reload, reload! - this is it!

Clear!

- yeah! - video is sent!

Oh, hey, shark team captain.

Como se dice "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha"? - whoo!

Ryan, there's a limo Waiting for you downstairs.

All right. Guys, lets get down there.

Come on giant squids, Only known predators to sharks.

Limo? Yolanda, you picked

A high class company To organize this.

Thanks, yolanda.

Don't thank me. I'm not treating.

Seriously, you guys!

Hey, sonia told me you decided To celebrate your birthday.

Why is he not in bed?

Why do you have A complete makeover?

Why does he look like duckie From pretty in pink?

People trust me Because I have a soft voice,

But I'm bad.

Okay, you two, Welcome aboard.

You're both giant squids.

- ooh. - come on.

This day is awesome. I mean it.

Okay, you mean it.

"Except it's not Because I'm ryan, dude,

And I'm above it all."

No, seriously. I did what you said.

I faked it and I made it,

And now, amazingly, This is the first birthday

I have enjoyed in years, So thank you.

Oh, well, just keep Opening yourself up

And good things will happen. - okay.

Oh, wait for me.

Wait for yolanda. - okay.

Ooh, a hotel key. This is weird.

This is a text About the next clue.

It doesn't mention a limo.

Or a hotel.

This isn't From the scavenger hunt.

Remember when ryan said his wife

Planned stuff for his birthday Way, way in advance?

Wait, she sent the limo To take him to the hotel?

Oh, no.

Oh, I was having fun.

I was shooting Cutouts of ryan.

I can't handle this.

It is no time for sober.

No, dear, it is not.

I really wish I was Wearing underwear right now.

- hi! - here he comes.

Oh, a key to a hotel room.

The plot thickens.

What's that card?

Did you say "What's that card?"

Or "Eat that card"?

I hate limos.

Janie always threatened To get me one for my birthday.

Well, that's not What this is.

We have to beat him To that room

So that we know What we're dealing with.

How do we stall him? - if you wanna stall ryan,

It's simple, you just get him Talking about himself.

I got the perfect thing.

Okay, guys, let's see What birthday fun is next.

Hey, ryan, did I hear right?

Were you voted third sexiest Voice in radio?

Ah, well, see, Conventional wisdom

Suggests that Sports aren't sexy.

You know what, guys, We'll catch up.

But what I do, my trick, Is that I lower my voice...

- mm-hmm. - so my normal voice is up here.

Right. Not sexy.

Who plans this? Who is this thoughtful?

Yeah, I hate to speak ill Of the dead,

But this broad is becoming A real pain in my ass.

Ugh, how are we Gonna tell him?

Well, normally we just work Together to figure out whatev--

Oh, crap, I am a volunteer With very little training.

I mean, I'm pretty good, But this is just--oof.

Okay, ryan can't know She set this up.

Blow out the candles,

Get rid of the flowers, Get rid of the stuff!

This room is part of A scavenger hunt, people!

Go! Go!

Mr. K, this way. Follow me.

Come on, let's go, let's go, Let's go. This way.

This way. Come on.

- what are you doing? - uh...

Pretty romantic For a scavenger hunt.

It...Is pretty romantic For a scavenger hunt.

Did you send everyone away So you could seduce me?

What's that?

I mean, I can't say I'm surprised.

I see the way you look at me. - oh...

Yeah, no, no, This happens to me.

I do something To people in authority.

A policewoman, A professor once, a judge.

He still calls me.

Yeah, your blinding Self-confidence has led you

To the right conclusion

And this is A birthday seduction.

Listen, lauren, I'm flattered, But that looks really weird

And I'm not in a place--

Oh, darn, you know what? Let's not do it then.

Wait. What's going on?

I'm sorry, He got ahead of me.

You told him?

Ryan, I didn't know How to--

This is a gift from janie.

She must have set it up Before she...You know.

It's never a good time To talk about money,

But you each owe me $200.

This is it, though, right?

Nothing else You're hiding from me?

No, this is it.

For god's sakes, woman, Come on!

Anne, does this music Remind you of anything?

Cyd charisse... Gene kelly.

Oh, buddy, I'm in.

- birthday dance? - si.

Hey, birthday boy.

Hey, janie.

Sorry I missed your party.

You've got a lot going on.

Haunting people, Doing the christmas past thing.

I'm not a ghost.

There is no such thing As a ghost.

I am in your head.

Because there is such a thing As creeping madness.

Exactly.

In retrospect, I probably Shouldn't have planned this

As early as I did,

But I did get One hell of a discount.

Believe it or not, I figured Out a way to enjoy my birthday.

This might be the first one Where I haven't been a--

Whiny baby?

Think I'm becoming A better guy.

Just wish you were here Because you deserved better.

I love the ryan I got.

No, you deserved better.

Oh, buddy boy.

That took a lot of planning.

You didn't do that.

That's dodger stadium.

Just thought I'd grab a little credit.

Come on, danny.

You should go. Have fun.

Don't look back.

So who won The scavenger hunt?

We never finished.

You know, This has all been so nice,

It doesn't matter Who wins or loses.

The point is, I learned to enjoy my birthday

For the first time thanks To all of you beautiful people--

Go, go, go!

Hey!

Hey, you made us giant squids! - yeah.