Original subtitles

Ooh! Sorry, me.

I'm home! Yeah, that works.

Sorry, sewing machine, You're out.

Sonia, It's your lucky day.

You broke Your sewing machine.

I remembered this Because you spent

A whole session Talking about it,

And it seemed So inconsequential

I wanted to drive chopsticks Through my ears.

You listened.

I needed to make some room.

This was janie's, I don't sew, it's yours.

- yay! - not so fast.

Not so fast?

With this machine, You sew very fast.

Yeah. No, what I mean is,

It's a really big deal To start

Giving janie's possessions Away.

Now it's certainly part Of moving on,

But you want to be Emotionally prepared.

Okay, one second.

Yeah, I'm emotionally prepared.

And, there are No memories attached?

Memories of what?

Janie being A terrible sewer?

You should see the shirt She tried to make me.

She made you A shirt?

All: aww.

Nope. Not doing that,

Not the point Of the story.

What's the crown?

Oh, that was A janie thing.

I begged her to take my name, So "Janie king,"

Which she thought was silly, But she leaned into it.

So, the crown And the initials.

All: Aww.

What is wrong With you people?

How do you Go see a pixar movie?

You must be shrieking The entire time.

It was just practical.

I just needed the space.

- for what? - a cardboard, life-sized me.

Dude, I defend you When you're not here.

Make it easier. - ryan...

We're here to be honest With our feelings,

Not suppress them.

Now your wife loved you So much

That she sewed you a shirt To clothe your body.

And you gave That precious machine away.

We have tissues.

And a safe space.

Lauren and I Pledge allegiance to the flag--

How did he not cry?

I always cry when I get The heart hand.

Yeah, yeah. When lauren goes for the cry,

She gets her cry. - I don't "Go for the cry."

- what? - of course you do.

It's a gift.

You sense someone's wounded, Then you circle them

With a bunch of "How does that make you feels,"

And then you pounce, Like an emotional cheetah.

I'm just Not your average "Wildabeest."

"Wilderbeest?" Wildebeest.

Crying is not something I can do to you.

Do I think that crying Can be cathartic?

Yes.

Do I wish to foster An environment in which

Everyone feels comfortable Letting go--

Oh, why?

Oh, god. Why?

The emotional cheetah,

Jaws bloody From her fresh kill,

Disappears Into the african night.

No!

Carrie! Carrie!

Any word From jeremy roenick?

Is he gonna let me play? - oh, uh, you know,

I didn't get a chance To call him yet.

Did you hear the news?

A spot opened up In jeremy roenick's

Pickup hockey game.

I've been trying to get In that game for five years.

Nhl-ers, celebs,

Guys named "Guy," But it's pronounced "Ghee."

Carrie's gonna get me in.

So do it, you know. Call now.

Because the talent Needs to be happy.

I don't wanna have to go All diva on you.

I'm the talent, I'm the talent.

Yeah, you are, brother.

You already called, Didn't you?

- yeah. - roenick hates ryan.

- yeah. - most athletes do.

You'd think there'd be No downside

To constantly Insulting people

On the air. - hmm.

So nothing worked On roenick, huh?

Not even The dead wife card?

- the what? - oh--ha!

I forget. You're young and pretty,

People just give you things.

Let me show you How the rest of us behave.

Roenick!

Whassup, beantown?

'cause you're from boston, Bro.

Anyway, It's steven down at k-bal.

I heard ryan king was sniffing Around your game.

I know! Man's a jerk.

Yeah, hey, I was driving him home

From his wife's funeral--

That's a fishing rod. - yeah, got it.

I suppose it is sad.

What's that? No, no, he's not doing well.

But, listen, The important thing is,

You've got a game, And he bugs you.

Yeah.

Well, I guess that would be The human thing to do.

I'm the talent, I'm the talent.

Sorry I'm late, guys.

Had to pick up hockey gear For my game with jeremy roenick.

Gonna play hockey With jeremy roenick.

He's a former nhl player.

All: aww.

Yeah, that sound Doesn't work for everything.

Sit down, We're making collages.

- really? - really.

It's a way To express yourself

Using images Instead of words.

This side represents Our past.

Memories that, at times,

People may avoid Getting in touch with.

Like, people who carelessly Give away sewing machines?

All people.

This side represents What we want for our future.

Now, I don't like to bring My personal life into the group,

So I made my collage

For katniss everdeen From the hunger games.

Oh, lauren,

Just when I thought You couldn't get me any more.

Wow. - katniss is stoic.

She suffered a great loss In her past.

Is this happening, What I'm seeing right now?

Is this Actually happening?

On this side, we have A bow and arrow

She made for herself From the woods beyond the fence,

A meager loaf of bread, And flames.

What does she want For her future?

A baby... - aww.

A canopy bed, And goats.

Ryan, look at my collage.

I see you.

Oh, god--

K, knock it off.

So, group,

A good friend of mine Is getting married.

But I don't know If I can face it.

I haven't been to a wedding Since patty died.

- you should go. - yes.

Maybe you will meet someone new Like mr. Patty.

Get the penis, and everything Will be good again.

That's not really The endgame, sweetie.

Ugh, it's just So complicated.

Yeah, I know.

I've blown off Three weddings myself.

It's the whole "Plus one" thing, right?

- yes. - yeah, because

We're minus one. It's horrible.

Yes. Wow, king-- Same page.

Ooh, yeah, Look at her.

You can have this back After group.

How much Do you want to go?

A lot.

She's really One of my best friends.

I know I'll regret it If I don't.

But to face it alone?

No, you don't have To go alone.

I'll be Your plus one.

Now.

All: aww. - yeah, all right, fine.

That is A very sweet gesture,

But on the other hand You can be quite grating.

I think it would be Really nice

For you two To experience that together.

All right,

Just let me Think about it.

Don't think about it Too long,

Or she'll go in For the cry.

I'm in.

And cry denied.

Michael vartan. This is a celebrity game.

Wasn't alias big, Like, ten years ago?

Wasn't radio big, Like, 100 years ago?

Yo, roenick!

Come on, ryan!

It's all you, It's all you!

Go easy, man, His wife died.

Doin' it! Yeah!

That's it, That's it.

I am having the best game Of my life.

I really think I'm starting To get in their heads.

- you're a beast! - yeah, I am!

A severely delusional Beast.

Is he really buying All this?

It's part of the wonder That is ryan.

He's not looking for clues That he's not awesome.

What are you guys Talking about, how great I am?

Mm-hmm!

Whose puck?

My puck!

No one's better, baby!

No one!

Goooooooooal!

Are you okay? - yeah!

I just lost A contact lens.

Hey, is-- Is he all right?

Not in here.

But this, What you're doing,

It helps.

Yo, roenick! Get back on d, princess!

Do you think those glasses Make you look smarter?

No, I think They help me see.

Because they don't make you Look smarter.

That's right, Get it all out of the way now.

You're about to be very happy That I'm here.

I may be a little rusty, But I know

How to show a lady A good time.

I'll get you drinks, I'll hold your purse,

You will want for nothing.

Oh-- And one more thing.

I haven't said this To you because...

You scare me, but...

You look beautiful.

All right, king.

You're on the board.

I'm on the board.

You know what I'm just realizing?

This wedding is A lesbian wedding.

You know what's amazing about This country at this moment?

It's a seamless tapestry.

A continuum of love And orientations--

Stop trying so hard.

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Excuse me.

Monday's show was amazing.

Oh, hey, thanks.

Seems like a smart crowd.

Mm.

Uh, are you seeing What I'm seeing, woman-wise?

There's a girl over there Who's checking one of us out,

And, if the demographic Holds up,

She ain't lookin' at me. - sparkly top?

Ever since we got here.

Well, maybe you should Go talk to her.

Maybe you should Suck on a [bleep].

You know, I had Laker tickets tonight.

Just go over there.

You don't have to marry her Or anything.

Uh--if you did, though, It wouldn't be noteworthy--

- stop. - all right.

Wait a minute.

If you knew That she was looking at you,

Then you must've been Looking at her.

Which means you two Were looking at each other!

It means no such thing.

All right, fine, I'll drop it.

It's your life. I'm gonna go get a drink

And try to find anyone Who's making out with anyone.

Oh, my god.

Okay, I spoke to the lady In the sparkly top.

Oh, king.

She is very cool,

Her name is sasha. She's a professor at ucla.

Single mom. She's got two kids.

Wait, she's got kids? I've got kids.

We get together, we all Move into a split-level ranch,

Hire a wisecrackin' maid,

It's the lady bunch.

Okay, first of all, I would totally watch that show.

No! I don't want that. I'm not ready.

That's not what this night is.

Well, that's what It's become.

This is what happens On nights with me.

Things get great! - hi.

I'm sasha. You must be anne.

Okay.

Excuse me.

I just want To say thanks.

I love your take On everything.

You're bold and funny And smoking hot.

It's because Of journalists like you

That weddings like this Are happening.

Do you think I'm rachel maddow?

Back on the ice tomorrow, I'm gonna start a fight.

I think I can take A couple of these guys.

Yeah, or...You could not Piss off the angry giants.

Doesn't sound Like something I would do.

Oh! Sorry!

Why do you hit harder Than jeremy roenick?

Uh--

Because she's got those big, Midwestern cow-tipping thighs.

Whole lotta Down-there strength.

Am I right, carrie?

So I was coming to tell you That lauren called,

And she wanted to know If you were okay.

Ugh. I gave away A stupid sewing machine.

You know what? Just to show her

How great I am, Call her, and invite her

And the rest of the weirdos To the next game.

The problem with john From reseda is

He's too young to remember Jack nicklaus.

The golden bear, The ol' buckeye.

Sonia, it's beautiful.

I loved Making this collage.

I cried.

I wanted you to see it Right away, so I decided to use

One of those Photo-sharing sites.

It was easier Than I thought.

They walk you Through the tough parts,

Just like you.

Sonia, do you mind If I send this link to ryan?

I think it might Really inspire him.

- yes, you can. - thank you.

Jack nicklaus in his prime?

No one got the ball higher.

I mean, Jack nicklaus was

Every bit the golfer As tiger w--

Tiger woo--

What's happening?

Oh, god-- Is he crying?

Jam him!

Dump him!

De-volume him!

I'm sorry, fans. I'm just gonna need a minute.

Dude.

Lauren?

We'll be back

After this message From a hotel,

Where a businessman Has to spend the night

Away from his family.

I always get the cry.

Don't play that one.

Hey, everybody. Heard any good radio lately?

No. We heard Your show, though.

There it is, Amateurs making zingers.

That's what I've been Dealing with

For the last 24 hours.

You know what They're calling me?

"Cryin' king."

Congratulations, lauren, You got your cry.

It was not my intention To make you cry at work.

Oh, really? Where was it Your intention to make me cry?

Did you want me to cry On the way over here,

When I saw a bus bench ad For the boys club?

'cause I did.

You want me to cry When I saw a hat

Fly off of an old man's head? 'cause I did.

Baby bird alone?

Bicycle with a flat tire?

Closed-down restaurant? Did, did, did.

Oh, "Cryin'" king!

No. I am not gonna be amused By your weirdness right now.

Lauren, you were right.

I should not have given away The sewing machine.

But I did, and now I can't stop Thinking about it.

Do you want me To give it back?

You would do that For me?

What have you Done to me, woman?

I was doing great. I was killing it at work,

I'm skating In roenick's game,

And then you broke me, So fix me.

You broke me, So fix me. Fix me.

I can't fix you, Because you're not broken.

Okay, ryan, Just slow down

And allow yourself To feel those feelings.

Maybe this will help.

- ugh. - just do it, dude, okay?

You put a stormy ocean On one side

And a rainbow on the other, And you're done.

Okay, it's official, I've got a stalker.

A lot of people use The dumpster

Behind your building. Don't flatter yourself.

What? No.

It's that sasha maniac.

She wants to meet me For a drink.

She thinks I'm fun and delightful!

- she sounds like a maniac. - hmph.

If you don't want To meet her, blow her off.

Say something nice, like,

"You bore me, danny," Or "I don't have to tell you

Where I go at night, danny."

I was going To blow her off, but--

But?

I didn't hate Meeting her.

If it were a different time In my life--

Ugh! Other people's problems Are so easy.

You want To keep your options open,

Choose a neutral place.

No drink. Fruit smoothies.

Nothing says "Keep it light" Like a fruit smoothie.

Also, pick a time That says,

"This is something That I'm doing

On my way to doing Something else."

I'm talking about Your 11:20s, your 3:45s.

Anything 45 implies a logical, Sexless end in 15 minutes.

- hmm. - this mr. Sasha,

He is handsome?

Okay.

Soy lesbiana.

I looked it up, Just for this.

No, no, no, Wrong word, "Lesbiana."

One day, I tell you What this mean.

I feel like she's trying To not understand.

All right, handsome. Let's do this.

Why are you taller Than I am?

Thank you.

She tried to kiss me.

- what? - yeah.

Right outside The jamba juice.

That lesbiana Tried to kiss me.

Come on in, Anne--

We talked, We went for a walk,

We said good-bye, Went to our car, and bam!

After a 3:45?

What are you, Really sexy or something?

- yeah! - well, what'd you do?

I dodged it.

I freaked out. I ran?

Agh. I feel bad, I feel like I pushed you.

Oh, stop it, king,

I don't actually Listen to you that much.

I went because I wanted to go.

I knew I wasn't ready,

But I had no idea How not ready I was.

One kiss! And I lose it.

Aw, it's early, You know--

Oh, I can't picture Ever being ready.

I feel so stuck!

Ugh, tell me about it.

I lost it just looking at A picture of a sewing machine.

We can't do anything.

Yeah, I used to be able to do All kinds of stuff.

You didn't know me When I could do stuff.

That guy? He could do stuff.

He didn't know better, That smile, that swagger.

He could look at 14 pictures Of a sewing machine,

And go around Kissing anyone.

I so want to move forward.

I want to leap forward.

Are you thinking What I'm thinking?

Nope, that's not What I was thinking.

Ahh!

That's the first kiss Out of the way!

That's a milestone, man, That's progress!

I feel violated. You just took me.

I've never been taken before.

God, that stubble Feels so weird.

Heh.

And, king?

I like you better Than I like this guy.

I was pretending the sewing Machine didn't matter,

But it did.

That's why I went on the air And cried

Like I'd just won Best actress.

Yeah, we got A lot of emails about that.

Any of them Supportive?

Not many.

Your target audience is dicks, 18 to 34.

Well, to avoid Any further outbursts,

I now embrace the truth.

Ryan king is living a life Of radical honesty.

Give 'em hell, ryan.

Hell? After the hurt I put

On these guys, hell would be Like a vacation.

- whoo-hoo! - yeah.

Ryan, how much Do you value honesty?

The guys are looking Awful good out there.

Really good.

They're letting me win, Aren't they?

You played the-- - I played it.

- and the hat trick was... - a pity hat trick.

Yup.

Real quick, you guys.

I have just learned

That you've all been taking it Easy on me.

So stop it. I am on a journey.

A journey towards honesty.

So whatever you and life Have in store for me,

I am ready to face it And to feel it.

Bring it on.

What's he saying?

I think he says We can hit him.

Oh, I like that.

Oh!

It's good. It feels like the truth.

Oh!

Dude, you're on my team.

All: ryan! Ryan!

Ryan! Ryan!

Ryan! Ryan! - hit him harder.

He wants to feel it.

Feeling it fine. Plenty hard.

Thank you.

Look what you did.

I've never been In so much pain

In my entire life.

Can we just go back to the way Things used to be?

You get up, I'm gonna knock You right back down again.

It's cold down here.

Smile. Let's get a picture Of your journey.

Note the emotional depth And the impeccable glue work.

You know what, It feels great.

I can feel myself Getting healthier,

And I owe it all To this lady.

All: aww.

Oh, no, Don't get teary.

Although I'm not gonna lie. It feels good to get the cry.

I know, right? All: aww.

You know, I gotta tell you,

You're starting To hold your own out there.

You're a tough guy.

Oh, thanks. You're a tough guy too.

I don't need you To tell me that.

Right.

Hey, figure skaters, The ice is yours.

I hope we didn't chuck it up Too much with our toughness.

Oh, my god, she's smart, She's beautiful,

She plays hockey.

I'm not rachel maddow.

You do look Like her, though.

Yeah, I know.