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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,560
I'd remember if you'd told me
you were hosting
2
00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:05,280
a charity fundraising
night in memory of Dad. Why?
3
00:00:05,280 --> 00:00:06,360
Because he's not dead!
4
00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:08,160
Awoo! Argh!
5
00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:08,160
HOLLOW THUD
6
00:00:08,160 --> 00:00:11,320
I'm just so bored! Please
can I pop to the petrol station?
7
00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:14,160
Well, of course you bloody can't!
What if you're seen?
8
00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:15,800
I'll wear a disguise.
9
00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:18,320
Is Geoff the one who shoves
petrol pumps up his jacksy?
10
00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:19,840
No, that's Pigfish.
11
00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:21,400
You mustn't tell Neha.
12
00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:23,520
We can't keep lying to her.
We tell her the truth.
13
00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:25,560
No, we definitely can't do that.
14
00:00:25,560 --> 00:00:28,320
Mum, please, this is fraud,
you could go to prison.
15
00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:32,759
Look, I am sorry that your dad
has died but just being rude to me
16
00:00:32,759 --> 00:00:34,880
is not going to
bring your father back.
17
00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:37,400
Evening, all.
18
00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:39,840
You MASSIVE twat!
19
00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:44,000
HARRY SIGHS
20
00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:44,000
Thank God that's over.
21
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:45,080
I'll tell you something -
22
00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:46,960
you needn't worry about me
ever having an affair.
23
00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:48,400
I did not enjoy all this lying.
24
00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:50,120
Yesterday, right,
I was having a Yop.
25
00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:51,800
I normally wolf them down, don't I?
26
00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:53,040
Not this time.
27
00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:54,560
Kept getting caught
right there, stuck.
28
00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:55,760
I thought it was acid reflux,
29
00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:58,320
but in hindsight I think
it was just anxiety.
30
00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:00,920
Are you going to kiss me?
31
00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:03,000
I am the police!
32
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:05,680
How can you not see the problem
that your dad faked his death?!
33
00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:09,080
I can see it... Yeah?
34
00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:10,200
I can see it.
35
00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:12,240
I just think it might be better
if we don't look at it?
36
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:14,160
Your parents
must give that money back.
37
00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:16,840
You need to tell them to come clean.
Of course. OK.
38
00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:22,320
What about the jet washer?
39
00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:59,640
BIRDSONG
40
00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:05,280
Good morning, darling.
41
00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:08,080
Oh, hello.
42
00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:09,520
I've got your pills.
43
00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:12,400
Ah. There we are.
44
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:13,680
There, drink up.
45
00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:17,520
Thank you.
46
00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:22,360
HE STRAINS
47
00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:23,400
Deborah?
48
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:26,040
Don't worry,
I'm not going to smash your legs in
49
00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:28,120
and make you write a book.
50
00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:31,480
You were having one of your
Parky thrashes again last night.
51
00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:34,960
Oh, God, was I? You were like a pig
with its head stuck in a fence.
52
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,400
Thank you for your sympathy.
53
00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:38,040
You are welcome.
54
00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:39,200
Deborah... Debbie!
55
00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:42,920
Mm? Are you going to leave me
like this?
56
00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:44,200
I think it's for the best.
57
00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:49,800
Oh. It was just a nip
to the petrol station.
58
00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:52,840
Yeah, but you're meant
to be dead, dear.
59
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:57,360
Deceased, demised, expired,
an ex-William,
60
00:02:57,360 --> 00:03:02,080
which means no more nipping
or zipping or dipping or popping
61
00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:04,280
or whipping or even schlepping.
62
00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:06,280
I was careful.
I wore the wolf hat.
63
00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:09,440
You got into a car
with a serving police officer.
64
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:11,520
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
65
00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:13,040
You're a moron!
66
00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:16,440
But you're my moron.
67
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,560
How can the sparrows thrive
if he continues to do that?
68
00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:23,760
I ain't touched her bread.
69
00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:26,680
You crawled over when you thought
I wasn't looking, but I was looking!
70
00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:28,800
Oh, I knew you were looking,
you swivel-eyed crone!
71
00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:30,600
All right, let's keep it civil.
"Crone"?!
72
00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:32,200
That is abusive language!
73
00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:34,280
Constable Fendon, could you...?
74
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:35,920
Sorry.
75
00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:38,760
Right, what exactly
is the problem here?
76
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,320
I'm seeing it, saying it,
sorting it.
77
00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:43,800
He has been stealing the bread
off the floor
78
00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:45,400
that I was saving for the birds.
79
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:46,720
Is that true? No.
80
00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:49,040
So why're you hiding your bag, then?
81
00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:51,440
Am I going to have to check
the black helicopters?
82
00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:53,760
You know those cameras
see everything.
83
00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:55,200
Do you want to tell me the truth?
84
00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:56,760
Truth is open to interpretation.
85
00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:58,840
Just empty your bag, Rupert.
86
00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:06,880
Thief. All right, let's not gloat.
87
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:08,120
Come on, mate.
88
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:10,600
Well, is she going to arrest him?
89
00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:12,280
It's a very complicated situation.
90
00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:15,480
Why don't I take you to the drop-in
and get you a nice hot drink?
91
00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:19,720
It's closed. What? Since when?
92
00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:21,160
Bye, then.
93
00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:22,800
No, that's a disaster.
94
00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:27,080
Hm. Guess the council's spending
all its money on black helicopters.
95
00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:30,000
Probably not ethical
to confirm conspiracy theories
96
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,560
with people like him.
97
00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:33,760
Works, though.
Do it on George all the time.
98
00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:35,920
He's stealing bread
and I'm the bad guy!
99
00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:38,560
What will it take
to get some justice?
100
00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:42,880
What on earth are you doing?
101
00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:44,440
Well, it's for his own good.
102
00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:48,280
Stop him escaping again,
like Ronnie Pickering.
103
00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:49,440
Who's Ronnie Pickering?
104
00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:50,840
The Great Train Robber!
105
00:04:50,840 --> 00:04:52,640
No, Ronnie Pickering
wasn't the Great Train Robber.
106
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:55,320
Well, maybe not great
in the truest sense of the word
107
00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:58,400
but he was pretty bloody effective
until they caught him.
108
00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:00,880
Ronnie Pickering wasn't a train
robber, great or otherwise.
109
00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:03,040
Oh, my God. Are you saying
they got the wrong man?
110
00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:05,000
No! He's saying you don't know
who Ronnie Pickering is
111
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,760
and we don't either.
So who do I mean?
112
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:08,520
It doesn't matter, Mum.
We have bigger fish to fry.
113
00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:09,960
Give me a letter,
what does it begin with?
114
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:11,520
Don't give him a letter, please.
Um, R?
115
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:12,800
Not for Ronnie, for the surname.
116
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:15,040
Oh, um, B? Or maybe D?
117
00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:16,520
Is anyone listening to me? Hello?
118
00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:20,080
Ronnie Wood? No, no, it's not him.
Guys! He's in that band, The Who?
119
00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:22,640
Ronnie Wood! I don't mean who,
I mean The Who.
120
00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:25,600
Jesus Christ, please just shut up!
What, so do you know who it is?
121
00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:27,640
Who is it? No, Mum, please,
no more Ronnies, please. OK?
122
00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:29,400
We need to talk.
Of course we need to talk,
123
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:31,520
but we're in the middle of something
here. We're nearly there.
124
00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:34,600
Yeah, and I don't care!
My marriage is at risk here!
125
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,960
Neha has been very, very clear.
126
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:38,480
You have to give the money back.
127
00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:39,800
Right.
128
00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:41,080
So will you?
129
00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:44,640
No. I can't! I can't! I can't!
130
00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:47,360
Harold, when your father
was forced to retire,
131
00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:49,800
that insurance company
declined to pay out
132
00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:53,680
because his symptoms didn't meet
the definitions of their policy.
133
00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:58,280
Can you imagine being told that
your Parkinson's doesn't qualify
134
00:05:58,280 --> 00:06:01,120
when you can't get to sleep,
you can't get out of the bath,
135
00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:03,600
you can't even get an erection
without some Viagra?
136
00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:06,200
Right, darling,
let's keep some mystery there.
137
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:08,880
Well, look, my point is that
that firm can swivel.
138
00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:11,160
I get the point,
but Neha is saying...
139
00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:13,320
Oh, Neha, Neha, Neha!
140
00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:14,680
I know you're married
141
00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:17,040
but do you have to do everything
she tells you to do?
142
00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:18,520
Which reminds me, would you mind...?
143
00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:21,160
Not now, William! Debbie talking.
144
00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:25,560
Now, look. Look, I appreciate
that this is tricky...
145
00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:29,480
"Tricky"?
..and I hate to say I told you so...
146
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:33,040
But? I told you not to tell her.
147
00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:34,720
You think this is my fault?
148
00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:38,680
Oh, that's very big of you
to admit that. Good boy.
149
00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:40,240
Now, then, if you'll excuse me,
150
00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,280
I've got something
very urgent to attend to.
151
00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:45,840
No, no, no, we're not done here...
Urgent, Harold, urgent.
152
00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:51,200
Mum! If you want to do
something useful,
153
00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:52,920
go and google
who Ronnie Pickering is.
154
00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:55,600
Mum, please, we can't just brush
this under... Oh, God!
155
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:58,520
You're starting to sound like one of
those yappy little dogs that I hate.
156
00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:00,800
Yeah, cos I'm very stressed out
and I don't cope well with it.
157
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:03,040
The other day I was having a Yop
and it got caught right in...
158
00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:05,480
Oh, don't be
such a boneless bloody bucket!
159
00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:07,640
You think you're stressed,
try being me!
160
00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:09,560
Yeah, but your stress
is stress of your own making!
161
00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:12,600
Is it? Well, then, explain this.
162
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:15,280
Found that in my pocket
at the bowls club last night.
163
00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:21,400
Oh, my God, this is a...? Yeah.
164
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:22,680
Who sent it?
165
00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:23,880
I don't know!
166
00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:25,280
I mean, the choice of font is...
167
00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:26,680
What? Is it a clue?
168
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:27,720
I don't know about that,
169
00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:30,160
but, I mean, graphically
it's strikingly uninspired.
170
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:32,520
Yeah, you see, I initially thought
it was one of your jokes.
171
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:33,800
Mum, this is not a funny joke.
172
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:35,360
Yeah, that's why I thought it
was one of yours.
173
00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:38,240
Mum, come on, we're being
blackmailed! What does Dad think?
174
00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:39,880
Well, I haven't told him.
175
00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:42,320
God, he gets into a tizz
if the Aquafresh doesn't come out
176
00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:46,120
in clean stripes. How do you think
he'd cope with being blackmailed?
177
00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:47,800
No, I need to get down to the club
178
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:51,520
and find out who planted that
by accessing the CCTV.
179
00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:53,840
How are you going to do that?
CCTV involves computers, Mum.
180
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:55,600
Last time I checked,
you can't open an email.
181
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:58,960
You don't need to be technical
when you've got womanly ways.
182
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:00,000
Oh, Christ.
183
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:03,200
People don't stop having sex
just cos they're in their 60s.
184
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:06,240
Yes, I know. Your generation
is obsessed with telling us.
185
00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:09,240
I'll have you know that your father
and I enjoy a very active,
186
00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:12,040
very experimental sex life,
thank you.
187
00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:13,720
Oh. Despite the Parkinson's.
188
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:16,160
In fact, sometimes
because of the Parkinson's.
189
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:17,720
Sometimes when he's had his pills,
190
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:20,360
he's got the libido
of a young Calum Best.
191
00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:28,960
Clive will be putty in my hands.
192
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:35,600
CCTV is only viewable by management.
193
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:40,000
But they are my favourite earrings
and I am basically management.
194
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:42,600
No, you do three shifts a fortnight
behind the bar
195
00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:45,440
and we have a robust cyber policy
which I am not breaching
196
00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:46,960
for some earrings.
197
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:50,080
Now, if that's everything,
thanking you.
198
00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:52,640
But they were an anniversary present
from...
199
00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:54,520
TEARFULLY: ..William.
200
00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:58,760
You're...You're emotional.
201
00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:00,760
It's just been so hard, you know?
202
00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:04,120
It's OK, I understand
your mental state
203
00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:07,040
has been diminished by the death
of your husband.
204
00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:11,880
It's been so very, very,
very, very, very hard
205
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:14,400
getting used to being
single again
206
00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:17,560
and the lack of...physical touch.
207
00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:22,800
I-I think this would be best done
with one of the other women.
208
00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:26,320
No, I need a man.
209
00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:31,440
Clive, would you happen to have
a robust policy
210
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:34,600
that covers...loneliness?
211
00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:39,000
Th-That might be covered by a club's
code of conduct but in this case...
212
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,440
Sorry, I just need to
swallow some saliva.
213
00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:42,520
HE SWALLOWS
214
00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:47,960
..in this case-case,
it's not in ours.
215
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,360
Oh.
216
00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:54,560
You wouldn't, um...fetch me
some tissues, would you, pet?
217
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:56,440
Yes, I suppose I could.
Yeah, thank you.
218
00:09:57,600 --> 00:09:59,280
Although you're not just
getting me to leave
219
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:01,680
so you can go on my computer?
220
00:10:01,680 --> 00:10:04,880
Do you really think so little of me?
221
00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:09,280
Why are you taking so long
to answer Clive?
222
00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:10,880
OK, I'll go...
223
00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:12,240
Actually, come to think of it,
224
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,880
I've got some tissues right
here in the drawer.
225
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,440
I always keep them
near the computer in case...
226
00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:20,880
Well, never mind why.
227
00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:25,280
Here you are.
228
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:26,640
Ah!
229
00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:30,720
Ah, no, you see,
those have got balsam in them.
230
00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:33,240
And I'm allergic to that.
Really? Yeah.
231
00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:37,080
If I blow my nose on that, my face
will swell up like a baboon's arse.
232
00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:41,840
Honestly, Clive, I was hoping you'd
make me feel better, not worse.
233
00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:45,360
All right, all right, just wait
there, I'll be right back. Thanks!
234
00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:50,440
LOCK CLICKS
235
00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:52,840
Right.
236
00:10:56,640 --> 00:10:57,720
There.
237
00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:01,800
Oh. Um...
238
00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:06,400
Bowls...
239
00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:11,080
Oh, God. Bollocks. Um...
240
00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:14,000
What could it be? Um...
241
00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:20,720
Of course!
242
00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:23,560
Men! So stupid.
243
00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:27,320
Oh, buggery bollocks!
244
00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:32,040
Debbie? Where are you going?
I've got your tissues...
245
00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:33,240
Oh, keep 'em.
246
00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:36,800
You shouldn't use the balsam ones
for your monkey business, Clive.
247
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:38,920
You'll get a rash on your bellpiece.
248
00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:41,920
Right.
249
00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:44,240
You all saw that.
I'm being harassed.
250
00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:45,440
Well, I actually didn't see it.
251
00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:48,560
Oh, yes. We all know
you're bloody blind, Jean.
252
00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:51,720
OFFICE DOOR SLAMS
253
00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:53,000
What's a bellpiece?
254
00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:55,800
It's the mushroomy bit on the end.
255
00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:00,400
You know what?
Don't worry about it.
256
00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:06,840
Thanks for coming back to untie me.
257
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:08,920
Mad that's a sentence
that makes sense in this family.
258
00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:11,920
Here, come on, make a bit of space,
get that down there...
259
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:13,000
What are you doing?
260
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:16,400
Your mother has a very transactional
approach to marriage.
261
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:20,040
You know, when I'm in her bad books,
she withdraws my snuggle time.
262
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:21,280
Ugh.
263
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:23,720
Why are you both so obsessed
with telling me about your sex life?
264
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:26,520
I suppose we're just pleased
we're still smashing.
265
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:29,720
Oh, my God. Yeah, so I'm trying to
earn back some brownie points
266
00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:33,160
by doing my list of jobs
she gave me.
267
00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:40,120
"Get TVs ready
for digital switchover."
268
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:41,400
How old is this list, Dad?
269
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:43,720
I'll admit that's been
overly on the back burner.
270
00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:45,720
Oh, my God, we haven't missed it,
have we?
271
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:48,000
"Return VHS of Eyes Wide Shut
to Blockbuster."
272
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,800
Good film.
273
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:51,360
Was a bit sexy, wasn't it?
274
00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:54,040
"Sort cupboard of doom".
275
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:55,840
Yeah, that's what I'm doing now.
276
00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:57,960
I mean, look -
look at the date on that.
277
00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:01,680
Best before 1988?
278
00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:04,360
You want to hang on to that.
That is basically an heirloom.
279
00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:06,880
I'll treasure this,
when I'm alone in my bedsit.
280
00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:11,600
Don't worry,
you and Neha are going to be fine.
281
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:15,720
Just do what generations of
brave Fendons have done before you.
282
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:20,320
Grovel, like a turkey with no shame.
283
00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:26,960
GOBBLING
284
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:28,080
HE COUGHS
285
00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:30,120
GOBBLING
286
00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:32,240
I get it, Dad, yeah. Yep.
287
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:40,560
So? How did it go
with telling your parents?
288
00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:42,280
Oh, yeah, yeah, fine.
289
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:45,080
And good news -
you are just in time for
290
00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:49,360
pasta al chickeno al fredo
al broccoli-iolio...
291
00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:51,400
Brocolli, um...
292
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:54,400
Yeah, so I've done all the washing,
the kids are in bed.
293
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:58,880
And can I just say,
you look like a movie star tonight.
294
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:02,720
Oh, you pathetic worm.
295
00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:06,840
You have to give the money back.
296
00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:08,200
We don't want to.
297
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:09,880
Debbie, I'm trying to help.
298
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:13,760
If you come clean now,
with your...good characters...
299
00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:14,840
Impeccable.
300
00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:16,480
..you might get away
with community service.
301
00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:19,360
Yes, I might,
but what about his criminal record?
302
00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:21,080
It was just a caution.
303
00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:23,760
Yeah, but a caution
for indecent exposure
304
00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:25,440
is not going to
go down well, is it?
305
00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:27,200
You've got a caution
for indecent exposure?
306
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:28,760
It sounds worse than it is.
307
00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:30,600
Right, yeah,
cos it sounds quite noncey.
308
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:33,080
It was a simple misunderstanding
coming back from a work do
309
00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:36,280
in Birmingham.
I thought before driving home...
310
00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:38,200
I told him to take the train.
311
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:41,760
Yeah, I'd treat myself to
a nice takeaway curry in the car.
312
00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:45,200
And as you know,
I do tend to rather overindulge
313
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:47,200
and unfortunately I ate so much
314
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:50,880
that I had no option
but to loosen my trousers...
315
00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:51,960
"No option"?
316
00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:56,240
But then, I had a couple more
bhajis, you know, for the road
317
00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:58,040
and I thought, "Do you know what?
318
00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:00,560
"I'm going to be a lot more
comfortable if I just let
319
00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:04,400
"my trousers right down and let
the whole area breathe a bit."
320
00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:06,440
Why does your brain work
the way it does?
321
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:10,480
The pickle arose when I started to
feel a bit sleepy. I don't know.
322
00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:12,480
Must have been weaving a bit.
323
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:15,520
Before I know it, there's flashing
blue lights in the mirror
324
00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:17,000
and the police pulled me over
325
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,440
and it's all,
"Step outside of the vehicle, sir.
326
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:21,280
"Keep your hands
where I can see them."
327
00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:22,760
And your trousers were...?
328
00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:24,200
Yeah.
329
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:26,720
They thought you'd been...? Yeah.
330
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:29,400
But I wasn't. And I wouldn't.
331
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:31,800
Couldn't, frankly,
after all that curry.
332
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:34,600
But, er...mud sticks.
333
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,600
As unfortunately
does cucumber raita.
334
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:40,440
And that is why
we can't go to the police.
335
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:43,680
And that is why
I never eat poppadoms.
336
00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:45,000
Anyway...
337
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:48,480
You know, come on, Bacon Puff,
anyone? Found them in the cupboard.
338
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:51,120
Pre-9/11 but still up to snuff.
339
00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:53,960
No, they can't, cos they've got
to rush off, haven't you?
340
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:55,480
So thank you for coming over,
341
00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:58,160
and we really appreciate your
support and your concern.
342
00:15:58,160 --> 00:15:59,280
Are you for real?
343
00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:02,200
What, you think we can just
carry on life as normal?
344
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,480
Um...
345
00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:07,120
Yeah?
346
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:09,560
Harry?
347
00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:13,480
Oh...
348
00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:21,280
I don't think we're hurting anyone.
349
00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:23,360
Yeah, so...
350
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:26,480
OK, then, you leave me
with no other option.
351
00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:28,000
Deborah Fendon... "Deborah"?
352
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:31,040
Don't call me that, that makes me
feel like I'm getting told off.
353
00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:32,240
Deborah Fendon, I'm arresting you
354
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:34,240
on suspicion of committing
fraud by deception.
355
00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:36,400
You do not have to say anything,
but it may harm your defence
356
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,040
if you do not mention
when questioned
357
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:40,200
something which you later
rely on in court.
358
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,480
Anything you do say
may be given in evidence.
359
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:46,840
You know all that off by heart?
360
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:48,400
Are you going to come quietly?
361
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:51,080
Well, am I permitted a poo first?
362
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:55,800
Er...
363
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:57,000
Yeah, OK?
364
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:02,960
Did you see that Harry? Yeah.
365
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:04,520
THAT is how you do it.
366
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:07,599
FRONT DOOR SLAMS
367
00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:16,280
Sorry! Too busy to be arrested!
368
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:22,960
Crikey. Haven't seen your mum
move like that
369
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:26,319
since they had 50% off Uggs
at Bicester Village.
370
00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:30,560
Neha, wait, please!
371
00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:32,440
I cannot associate with criminals!
372
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:36,520
We're not criminals, we're...
we're Wallace and Gromit.
373
00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:37,800
You two might be,
374
00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:40,520
but your mum's the penguin
with a rubber glove on her head.
375
00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:43,360
I'm going. Hang on, no, I'm coming
with you. No, you can stay here.
376
00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:45,920
Actually, in fact, you can live
here until you and your parents
377
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:48,200
learn the difference
between right and wrong.
378
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,040
I need to find Mum.
379
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,440
Ooh, could you let me know
when you have?
380
00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:02,960
Because I'm in her good books again
and, before she gets back,
381
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:06,080
I thought I'd have a nice bath
and maybe, you know, pop a Viagra.
382
00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:10,480
What makes you think
I would possibly need to know that?
383
00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:25,200
DOOR OPENS AND BELL CHIMES
384
00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:31,640
You can have me hat if you like.
385
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:34,240
So whoever you're hiding from
don't recognise you.
386
00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:36,360
Is it that obvious?
387
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:37,880
Takes one to know one.
388
00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,840
Word of warning, if you are out
in the village tonight,
389
00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:43,880
make sure you've got protection.
390
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:45,800
What, like condoms?
391
00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:47,440
No.
392
00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:50,720
Something to ward off
the evil spirits. Right.
393
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:53,320
Most effective armour I've found...
394
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:54,360
..is petrol.
395
00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:57,600
That's why you...?
396
00:18:57,600 --> 00:18:58,760
Exactly.
397
00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:00,160
Mm.
398
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:02,080
Well, look, I'm glad
you've found something
399
00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:03,840
that works so well for you.
400
00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:06,880
I think I'll probably just stick
to the vitamin D myself.
401
00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:11,080
You stick that up your arse, do you?
402
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:16,240
HE BELCHES
403
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:28,120
It's broken Britain, Pigfish,
it really is.
404
00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:31,320
KNOCKING
405
00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:31,320
Oh!
406
00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:33,520
Want me to spark him
while you make a run for it?
407
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:36,640
He's my son. If anyone's going to
spark him, it'll be me.
408
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:41,520
How did you find me?
409
00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:43,600
Well, you've always
sought salvation in batter.
410
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,160
How did it go with Clive?
411
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:47,240
Couldn't even get past the password.
412
00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,360
Hey, you did well to turn
the computer on.
413
00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:51,240
You used to not even
be able to do that.
414
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,120
SHE SIGHS
415
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,120
It was on already.
416
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:01,280
Now let me drop you home.
417
00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:03,920
Er... Er, no, that's OK. No.
418
00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:06,200
What?
419
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:09,800
Me and Neha are
having a bit of a break.
420
00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:11,480
Neha and I.
421
00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:20,280
Well, that's not good, is it?
422
00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:22,200
No. No.
423
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:24,240
Ah.
424
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:26,040
Oh...
425
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:27,320
Oh, come here. Come here.
426
00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:29,680
Thank you.
427
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:39,400
William, we're back.
428
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:44,160
Dad?
429
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,520
Help!
430
00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:52,120
Dad?!
431
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:54,880
Help! Where are you? In here.
432
00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:59,920
Oh! Oh, Jesus,
you after another police caution?
433
00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:02,120
No, I'm stuck.
434
00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:04,600
I've had one of my Parky freezes.
Oh!
435
00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:08,960
Been here for three bloody hours.
436
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:11,240
Oh, why didn't you wait for me?
437
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:15,120
I was getting ready for the...
you know, for the snuggle time.
438
00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:17,480
Oh. Oh! Yes, I see.
439
00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:18,720
Hello, friend.
440
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:22,080
Oh, God, please, guys,
this is getting abusive now.
441
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:24,080
There we are. Just help there.
442
00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:26,120
Come on, that's it. Oh, God.
443
00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:28,000
There we are. Ugh...
444
00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:34,760
Careful.
445
00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:37,160
Thank you.
446
00:21:57,800 --> 00:21:59,120
KNOCKING
447
00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:05,040
Debbie?
448
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:06,200
Can I come in?
449
00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:18,880
You and those boys are
the most important thing in my life,
450
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:23,240
and I was a rotten pig
to do anything to risk that.
451
00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:29,160
If I took the rap, do you think
I could keep William out of prison?
452
00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:32,480
I don't know. Oh.
453
00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:35,720
Either way, I've, um...
454
00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:39,800
I've got a list here
of where all the money's gone,
455
00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:42,800
just in case it helps you
get it back.
456
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:44,440
You've spent a lot.
457
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:46,680
I know, but it doesn't go far.
458
00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:49,960
What's that?
Oh, that's Geoff's taxi fund.
459
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:52,760
Yeah, for his hospital visits.
460
00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:55,680
And this?
Yes, that was a big splurge.
461
00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:58,720
I paid for Billie
to see a sleep expert.
462
00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:00,320
Cos honestly when she's snoring,
463
00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:03,520
it's like a walrus
is being crushed to death.
464
00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:05,200
So I thought I'd get her checked
for sleep apnoea
465
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:07,200
because it can kill you,
you know, sleep apnoea.
466
00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:09,480
Halfords - £400?
467
00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:12,640
Yeah, that's Harold's jet washer.
468
00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:14,120
He does love it.
469
00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:16,520
He told me it was 200 quid on sale.
470
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:21,720
Five grand - what's that on?
471
00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:23,360
Yes, I haven't spent that one yet,
472
00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:26,560
because I was waiting to see
if you and Harold would help me.
473
00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:29,400
It's a GoFundMe
for the drop-in centre.
474
00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:31,760
Because I was just chatting
with Pigfish,
475
00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:35,080
and apparently they've been
totally shafted by the cuts.
476
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:37,320
I mean it's Broken Britain,
Neha, really.
477
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:42,480
So...
478
00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:44,640
..shall we go t'station, then?
479
00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:50,720
On balance, I think
I'd prefer a custodial sentence.
480
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:53,480
You know, I've seen
what community service entails -
481
00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:58,080
it's gardening, litter clearance,
scrubbing graffiti off walls,
482
00:23:58,080 --> 00:23:59,840
and, frankly, it looks shit.
483
00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:02,760
You know, at least in prison I can
spend 23 hours a day in my cell.
484
00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:06,440
You know? Lot less work.
Could even get ripped.
485
00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:08,240
And bummed.
486
00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:11,880
Is that a good or a bad thing?
487
00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:14,760
It's a... It's a thing.
488
00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:19,600
I must confess, there's a bit of me
that is relieved.
489
00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:23,200
How come? Some frigger
has found out about William
490
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:25,560
and sent me a blackmail letter.
491
00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:27,640
Are you joking? No.
492
00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:29,360
Look. Look.
493
00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:30,720
Not while I'm driving, Debbie!
494
00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:32,240
No, sorry, sorry, sorry.
495
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:35,400
So after you've taken me down,
496
00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:37,720
promise me
that you'll find this bastard
497
00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:39,960
and nail his bollocks
to his backside.
498
00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:50,480
Oh. You missed the turning.
499
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:53,280
What's going on?
500
00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:57,280
Neha?
501
00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:04,800
CAR PULLS UP OUTSIDE
502
00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:07,080
Here we go. Mm.
503
00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:11,400
Come on, then. Easy.
504
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:12,440
Ooh...
505
00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:19,200
What's going on?
Get back in the house, you!
506
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:21,200
You're meant to be dead! Come on!
507
00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:24,920
Ow.
508
00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:31,960
I may be a copper, but first
and foremost, I'm a pragmatist.
509
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:33,680
Also your uncle's a drug dealer,
510
00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:35,640
so you can't get too high
on your horse.
511
00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:37,280
That was never proved.
512
00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:38,880
He was just looking after it
for a mate.
513
00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:40,160
Aw. 14 tonnes.
514
00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:41,360
In a warehouse.
515
00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:45,440
His warehouse. Ignore him,
he's just a blooming pedant.
516
00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:48,080
The important thing
is thank you for seeing this
517
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:49,520
isn't just black and white.
518
00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:51,640
Shamone! No, not now.
519
00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:55,600
So, I might not agree
with what you've done,
520
00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:57,680
how you've done it,
why you've done it,
521
00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:00,320
where you've done it,
and who you've done it to,
522
00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:02,680
but ultimately
I can't disagree with charity.
523
00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:04,880
So, as long as we keep
doing the right thing,
524
00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:08,280
I think I can look the other way
on a few other bits and bobs.
525
00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:11,000
So just to be clear,
you mean the fake death,
526
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:14,080
the fraud and her evading arrest?
527
00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:15,120
Yeah. Mm.
528
00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:19,440
Are we all on the same page?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
529
00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:23,000
Ooh, I don't love that term.
Same page.
530
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:24,880
It's like
all those other Americanisms.
531
00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:26,760
So aggravating, aren't they?
532
00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:31,160
You know, moving forward, do
the math, I'm going fanny packing...
533
00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:32,920
And the grey squirrels. Yeah.
534
00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:35,800
What's that got to do with it?
Well, American, invaders.
535
00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:37,120
Horrible little rats,
536
00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:40,120
eating our native red squirrels
out of house and home.
537
00:26:40,120 --> 00:26:42,360
Well, that's really not to do
with what she's talking about.
538
00:26:42,360 --> 00:26:43,600
It's the same. No, it's...
539
00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:45,640
You've been talking about things
from America. No. Yes...
540
00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:49,040
Guys, please. Guys, can we focus?
Yes, I'm entirely focused.
541
00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:50,200
You carry on. Yeah.
542
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:53,240
Cheese bite, anyone,
from the year we invaded Iraq?
543
00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:54,560
Yes, please.
544
00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:55,760
No.
545
00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:58,120
Hey, I love you.
546
00:26:58,120 --> 00:26:59,880
PHONE RINGS
547
00:26:58,120 --> 00:26:59,880
I know.
548
00:26:59,880 --> 00:27:02,240
Now, say what you really want to.
I'll get that.
549
00:27:03,360 --> 00:27:05,440
Can we keep the jet washer?
550
00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:06,760
Yes.
551
00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:12,320
Hello? Hello?
552
00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:15,440
DEEP DISGUISED VOICE: Mrs Fendon.
Yeah? I want my money.
553
00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:18,320
Colberton petrol station,
midnight tomorrow.
554
00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:19,960
LINE DISCONNECTS
555
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:24,000
SHE HANGS UP
556
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:25,280
Who was that?
557
00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:28,200
Er...Ronnie Pickering.
68984
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