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I am here to talk to you tonight as a

I am here to talk to you tonight as a

I am here to talk to you tonight as a liberal. That might come as a surprise

liberal. That might come as a surprise

liberal. That might come as a surprise to some of you. Some people think I'm

to some of you. Some people think I'm

to some of you. Some people think I'm right-wing just because I look and sound

right-wing just because I look and sound

right-wing just because I look and sound exactly like Kimberly Gilfoil,

but I am a liberal. Okay, how do you not

but I am a liberal. Okay, how do you not

but I am a liberal. Okay, how do you not remember this? I had blue hair for like

remember this? I had blue hair for like

remember this? I had blue hair for like a year and that was that was mostly to

a year and that was that was mostly to

a year and that was that was mostly to try to get my dead dad's attention. But

try to get my dead dad's attention. But

try to get my dead dad's attention. But I still couldn't go near a bookstore

I still couldn't go near a bookstore

I still couldn't go near a bookstore without people asking me to help them

without people asking me to help them

without people asking me to help them find Lena Dunham's biography. Okay, but

find Lena Dunham's biography. Okay, but

find Lena Dunham's biography. Okay, but I just want to give you a little heads

I just want to give you a little heads

I just want to give you a little heads up that in 2028, we're going to have

up that in 2028, we're going to have

up that in 2028, we're going to have some candidates for president and

some candidates for president and

some candidates for president and they're not going to be perfect. They're

they're not going to be perfect. They're

they're not going to be perfect. They're going to make some mistakes. They're

going to make some mistakes. They're

going to make some mistakes. They're going to make mistakes in speeches.

going to make mistakes in speeches.

going to make mistakes in speeches. They're going to make mistakes on social

They're going to make mistakes on social

They're going to make mistakes on social media. I've never done that before,

media. I've never done that before,

media. I've never done that before, but I've heard it can get pretty bad.

but I've heard it can get pretty bad.

but I've heard it can get pretty bad. Look, look, we got to look past some of

Look, look, we got to look past some of

Look, look, we got to look past some of these things because the alternative

these things because the alternative

these things because the alternative could be pretty terrible. Like we could

could be pretty terrible. Like we could

could be pretty terrible. Like we could have President Squidward.

have President Squidward.

have President Squidward. Please give these Democratic candidates

Please give these Democratic candidates

Please give these Democratic candidates a shot. I'm warning you, there's a lot

a shot. I'm warning you, there's a lot

a shot. I'm warning you, there's a lot of them. So many people I don't

of them. So many people I don't

of them. So many people I don't recognize. Uh I feel like I'm watching

recognize. Uh I feel like I'm watching

recognize. Uh I feel like I'm watching the Grammys.

the Grammys.

the Grammys. There's so many candidates. I bet you

There's so many candidates. I bet you

There's so many candidates. I bet you didn't even notice that we added some

didn't even notice that we added some

didn't even notice that we added some guy from the Just for Men box.

None of them are the dream candidate.

None of them are the dream candidate.

None of them are the dream candidate. Okay, they're all gonna have issues that

Okay, they're all gonna have issues that

Okay, they're all gonna have issues that you're gonna have to deal with. Like Cy

you're gonna have to deal with. Like Cy

you're gonna have to deal with. Like Cy Booker. I know he's not very exciting,

Booker. I know he's not very exciting,

Booker. I know he's not very exciting, but he gets the job done. He's like the

but he gets the job done. He's like the

but he gets the job done. He's like the sketchers of candidates.

sketchers of candidates.

sketchers of candidates. Your aunt probably loves him, right? But

Your aunt probably loves him, right? But

Your aunt probably loves him, right? But he does have a big problem.

he does have a big problem.

he does have a big problem. >> If Cory Booker became president, America

>> If Cory Booker became president, America

>> If Cory Booker became president, America would have its first vegan president.

would have its first vegan president.

would have its first vegan president. >> I love making a good fruit shake. Uh,

>> I love making a good fruit shake. Uh,

>> I love making a good fruit shake. Uh, you know, throwing a bunch of different

you know, throwing a bunch of different

you know, throwing a bunch of different fruits in in a blender, bananas. I would

fruits in in a blender, bananas. I would

fruits in in a blender, bananas. I would love to show you a great vegan meal.

>> No thanks. Uh, it's hard to imagine a

>> No thanks. Uh, it's hard to imagine a

>> No thanks. Uh, it's hard to imagine a vegan president. I agree. Comes off a

vegan president. I agree. Comes off a

vegan president. I agree. Comes off a little weak. You don't want our

little weak. You don't want our

little weak. You don't want our president in the situation room like,

president in the situation room like,

president in the situation room like, "Hey, before we attack, are these

"Hey, before we attack, are these

"Hey, before we attack, are these muffins made with coconut butter?"

muffins made with coconut butter?"

muffins made with coconut butter?" You know what though? It is not

You know what though? It is not

You know what though? It is not precedented. It You know what? It's not

precedented. It You know what? It's not

precedented. It You know what? It's not unprecedented. Bill Clinton turned vegan

unprecedented. Bill Clinton turned vegan

unprecedented. Bill Clinton turned vegan after he was president and Joe Biden was

after he was president and Joe Biden was

after he was president and Joe Biden was an actual vegetable.

And think about all the good things that

And think about all the good things that

And think about all the good things that Corey does. He supports women, frankly,

Corey does. He supports women, frankly,

Corey does. He supports women, frankly, maybe even too much.

maybe even too much.

maybe even too much. >> 130 sympathetic letters of support for

>> 130 sympathetic letters of support for

>> 130 sympathetic letters of support for former billionaire and convicted felon

former billionaire and convicted felon

former billionaire and convicted felon Elizabeth Holmes from friends, family,

Elizabeth Holmes from friends, family,

Elizabeth Holmes from friends, family, investors, and even New Jersey Senator

investors, and even New Jersey Senator

investors, and even New Jersey Senator Corey Booker. Booker wrote that Holmes

Corey Booker. Booker wrote that Holmes

Corey Booker. Booker wrote that Holmes quote has within her a sincere desire to

quote has within her a sincere desire to

quote has within her a sincere desire to help others, to be of meaningful

help others, to be of meaningful

help others, to be of meaningful service, and possesses the capacity to

service, and possesses the capacity to

service, and possesses the capacity to redeem herself.

redeem herself.

redeem herself. >> I know. I know. I'm sorry. Liberals do

>> I know. I know. I'm sorry. Liberals do

>> I know. I know. I'm sorry. Liberals do this thing where we believe all women,

this thing where we believe all women,

this thing where we believe all women, even the

even the

even the even the one who made an Easy Bake oven

even the one who made an Easy Bake oven

even the one who made an Easy Bake oven that told people they had HIV. But then

that told people they had HIV. But then

that told people they had HIV. But then again, none of these people are going to

again, none of these people are going to

again, none of these people are going to be perfect. Like this guy, Illinois

be perfect. Like this guy, Illinois

be perfect. Like this guy, Illinois Governor JB Pritsker. You might not

Governor JB Pritsker. You might not

Governor JB Pritsker. You might not recognize him unless you've maybe run

recognize him unless you've maybe run

recognize him unless you've maybe run into him at a spirit Halloween.

into him at a spirit Halloween.

into him at a spirit Halloween. >> Governor JB Pritsker and the first lady

>> Governor JB Pritsker and the first lady

>> Governor JB Pritsker and the first lady celebrated Halloween dressed as Shrek

celebrated Halloween dressed as Shrek

celebrated Halloween dressed as Shrek and Fiona.

and Fiona.

and Fiona. >> Governor JB Pritzkar dressed up as a

>> Governor JB Pritzkar dressed up as a

>> Governor JB Pritzkar dressed up as a convincing Professor Dumbledore.

convincing Professor Dumbledore.

convincing Professor Dumbledore. lightsaber in hand. Got into the Star

lightsaber in hand. Got into the Star

lightsaber in hand. Got into the Star Wars spirit for the unofficial May the

Wars spirit for the unofficial May the

Wars spirit for the unofficial May the 4th holiday. May the Fourth be with you.

4th holiday. May the Fourth be with you.

4th holiday. May the Fourth be with you. >> Okay,

>> Okay,

>> Okay, we cannot let Vladimir Putin see any of

we cannot let Vladimir Putin see any of

we cannot let Vladimir Putin see any of this footage. None of these candidates

this footage. None of these candidates

this footage. None of these candidates are perfect. Stop holding out for

are perfect. Stop holding out for

are perfect. Stop holding out for another Obama. The best we can do is

another Obama. The best we can do is

another Obama. The best we can do is Josh Shapiro, who clearly is trying to

Josh Shapiro, who clearly is trying to

Josh Shapiro, who clearly is trying to sound like him.

sound like him.

sound like him. >> And let me tell you something. He's

>> And let me tell you something. He's

>> And let me tell you something. He's pretty afraid.

pretty afraid.

pretty afraid. >> Y'all see he's backing out of the debate

>> Y'all see he's backing out of the debate

>> Y'all see he's backing out of the debate NOW. IT'S NOT JUST CUZ she's a skilled

NOW. IT'S NOT JUST CUZ she's a skilled

NOW. IT'S NOT JUST CUZ she's a skilled debater. It's not just cuz she's got the

debater. It's not just cuz she's got the

debater. It's not just cuz she's got the right positions on the issues that

right positions on the issues that

right positions on the issues that matter most to the good people of

matter most to the good people of

matter most to the good people of Pennsylvania and this country.

Pennsylvania and this country.

Pennsylvania and this country. >> It's cuz he can't run away from his

>> It's cuz he can't run away from his

>> It's cuz he can't run away from his record any longer.

>> And you guys were worried about AI

>> And you guys were worried about AI

>> And you guys were worried about AI plagiarizing. This is a real liberal

plagiarizing. This is a real liberal

plagiarizing. This is a real liberal conundrum, isn't it? We get mad for

conundrum, isn't it? We get mad for

conundrum, isn't it? We get mad for white women when they say spirit animal,

white women when they say spirit animal,

white women when they say spirit animal, but we're fine with this guy doing vocal

but we're fine with this guy doing vocal

but we're fine with this guy doing vocal blackface. like we got to

blackface. like we got to

blackface. like we got to but if you can look past that I will

but if you can look past that I will

but if you can look past that I will look past my own personal problem with

look past my own personal problem with

look past my own personal problem with him that I just can't really picture

him that I just can't really picture

him that I just can't really picture having a president named Josh

having a president named Josh

having a president named Josh you know when I think Josh I think like

you know when I think Josh I think like

you know when I think Josh I think like guy with three jugs of protein powder

guy with three jugs of protein powder

guy with three jugs of protein powder who lectures you on a first date about

who lectures you on a first date about

who lectures you on a first date about how monogamy is not natural

how monogamy is not natural

how monogamy is not natural but we can get through this we can get

but we can get through this we can get

but we can get through this we can get through the name Josh our vice president

through the name Josh our vice president

through the name Josh our vice president is named J D like if Josh is the guy at

is named J D like if Josh is the guy at

is named J D like if Josh is the guy at the frat who's pledging J D is the

the frat who's pledging J D is the

the frat who's pledging J D is the senior who's branding Fi Singh on Josh's

senior who's branding Fi Singh on Josh's

senior who's branding Fi Singh on Josh's nuts.

nuts.

nuts. But there's no perfect names here.

But there's no perfect names here.

But there's no perfect names here. There's AOC. I mean, she doesn't even

There's AOC. I mean, she doesn't even

There's AOC. I mean, she doesn't even have a name. She doesn't EVEN HAVE A

have a name. She doesn't EVEN HAVE A

have a name. She doesn't EVEN HAVE A NAME, YOU KNOW. BUT PEOPLE LOVE HER. But

NAME, YOU KNOW. BUT PEOPLE LOVE HER. But

NAME, YOU KNOW. BUT PEOPLE LOVE HER. But it does rub some people the wrong way

it does rub some people the wrong way

it does rub some people the wrong way that she goes by a threeletter acronym,

that she goes by a threeletter acronym,

that she goes by a threeletter acronym, you know, like she's in the company of

you know, like she's in the company of

you know, like she's in the company of luminaries like MLK, FDR, and DMX.

luminaries like MLK, FDR, and DMX.

luminaries like MLK, FDR, and DMX. But focus on the good things. Focus on

But focus on the good things. Focus on

But focus on the good things. Focus on the fact that she was elected at 29

the fact that she was elected at 29

the fact that she was elected at 29 years old. At 29,

years old. At 29,

years old. At 29, I mean,

I mean,

I mean, think about what YOU WERE DOING AT 29.

think about what YOU WERE DOING AT 29.

think about what YOU WERE DOING AT 29. AT 29, I elected to get a nose ring,

AT 29, I elected to get a nose ring,

AT 29, I elected to get a nose ring, right? Did it change the world? No. But

right? Did it change the world? No. But

right? Did it change the world? No. But it did keep a lot of stable, responsible

it did keep a lot of stable, responsible

it did keep a lot of stable, responsible men from dating me, and they went on to

men from dating me, and they went on to

men from dating me, and they went on to do great things because of it.

do great things because of it.

do great things because of it. But of course, the candidate that we

But of course, the candidate that we

But of course, the candidate that we really need America to settle for right

really need America to settle for right

really need America to settle for right now is the likely Democratic front

now is the likely Democratic front

now is the likely Democratic front runner, Gavin Newsome. You might be

runner, Gavin Newsome. You might be

runner, Gavin Newsome. You might be surprised that he's running for

surprised that he's running for

surprised that he's running for president because based on how he's

president because based on how he's

president because based on how he's traveling, he already seems to think he

traveling, he already seems to think he

traveling, he already seems to think he has the job.

has the job.

has the job. >> Gavin Newsome. The California governor

>> Gavin Newsome. The California governor

>> Gavin Newsome. The California governor dashed off to New Hampshire and Nevada.

dashed off to New Hampshire and Nevada.

dashed off to New Hampshire and Nevada. >> Governor Nuome he toured some small

>> Governor Nuome he toured some small

>> Governor Nuome he toured some small towns in South Carolina. California

towns in South Carolina. California

towns in South Carolina. California Governor Gavin Newsome took the fight to

Governor Gavin Newsome took the fight to

Governor Gavin Newsome took the fight to Texas this weekend,

Texas this weekend,

Texas this weekend, >> furnishing his foreign policy

>> furnishing his foreign policy

>> furnishing his foreign policy credentials in uh Davos,

credentials in uh Davos,

credentials in uh Davos, >> jetting down to Brazil.

>> jetting down to Brazil.

>> jetting down to Brazil. >> California's Governor Gavin Newsome,

>> California's Governor Gavin Newsome,

>> California's Governor Gavin Newsome, guess where he was? He went to China and

guess where he was? He went to China and

guess where he was? He went to China and sat down with the president Xi Jinping.

To be fair, the only reason he was

To be fair, the only reason he was

To be fair, the only reason he was sitting down with the Xi Jinping was to

sitting down with the Xi Jinping was to

sitting down with the Xi Jinping was to try and book him for his podcast.

try and book him for his podcast.

try and book him for his podcast. He's I can't wait for him to tell

He's I can't wait for him to tell

He's I can't wait for him to tell Giinping that, hey, America won't back

Giinping that, hey, America won't back

Giinping that, hey, America won't back down. Also ask him, do you mind just

down. Also ask him, do you mind just

down. Also ask him, do you mind just looking into the camera and say

looking into the camera and say

looking into the camera and say sponsored by Blue Chew?

sponsored by Blue Chew?

sponsored by Blue Chew? But look, Gavin also, he does unite both

But look, Gavin also, he does unite both

But look, Gavin also, he does unite both sides. liberal likes him because he's

sides. liberal likes him because he's

sides. liberal likes him because he's mean to Trump and conservatives like him

mean to Trump and conservatives like him

mean to Trump and conservatives like him because he let Los Angeles burn down

because he let Los Angeles burn down

because he let Los Angeles burn down and that means something. Okay? And what

and that means something. Okay? And what

and that means something. Okay? And what I guess I'm trying to say, America, is

I guess I'm trying to say, America, is

I guess I'm trying to say, America, is that we're not a young country anymore.

that we're not a young country anymore.

that we're not a young country anymore. Okay? Look at our bridges. They're

Okay? Look at our bridges. They're

Okay? Look at our bridges. They're sagging.

Our lakes, they're drying up. We're

Our lakes, they're drying up. We're

Our lakes, they're drying up. We're drying up. Okay? We we can't just pick

drying up. Okay? We we can't just pick

drying up. Okay? We we can't just pick apart every candidate and think that

apart every candidate and think that

apart every candidate and think that everything's going to magically work

everything's going to magically work

everything's going to magically work out. This is the real world, not Nancy

out. This is the real world, not Nancy

out. This is the real world, not Nancy Pelosy's stock portfolio.

Pelosy's stock portfolio.

Pelosy's stock portfolio. No one candidate is going to check all

No one candidate is going to check all

No one candidate is going to check all the boxes for us. And if you keep

the boxes for us. And if you keep

the boxes for us. And if you keep holding out for Mr. Wright, we're going

holding out for Mr. Wright, we're going

holding out for Mr. Wright, we're going to end up with Mr. Altright. So

to end up with Mr. Altright. So

to end up with Mr. Altright. So maybe we all just stop approaching

maybe we all just stop approaching

maybe we all just stop approaching politicians like we're looking for a

politicians like we're looking for a

politicians like we're looking for a soulmate and approach them like we're on

soulmate and approach them like we're on

soulmate and approach them like we're on Grinder.

You know, you're going to get hard,

You know, you're going to get hard,

You know, you're going to get hard, but you still want to be able to walk

but you still want to be able to walk

but you still want to be able to walk home.

home.

home. BUT HEY, THAT'S JUST my opinion.