Original subtitles

(relaxed guitar music)

(mid tempo drumbeat)

- [Amy Voiceover] My father vanished

when I was just a little girl.

I started working dining halls when I was

in junior high so my mom and I could get by.

When all my other friends rushed off

to college with the hopes of one day landing a dream career,

I clawed my way up through the city's

top four and five star restaurants.

Dream careers are overrated.

A big, fat paycheck on the other

hand is a wet dream come true.

I loved my job because of it.

Then the owner started hitting on me.

I did my best to diffuse the situation

and still keep my job but when he corned me

in the wine cellar thinking I was playing hard to get,

I broke a bottle of Dom Perignon

over his cheap toupee and quit.

I got blacklisted and now I'm stuck

waiting tables in small cafes like this one.

- Did you remember my senior discount?

- I did.

- I also have a coupon for a free meal after my third visit.

(soft chiming music)

- Fuck my life.

(moaning)

- [Steven Voiceover] Most people think that I have this

dream job, right, with all these sweet fringe benefits

and I can see why they think so.

Look at that guy, he's grabbing a boob.

Who doesn't love grabbing a boob?

I'd love to be that guy but you know what,

let me tell you something.

Behind the scenes, that's not what it's like.

Joe Q. Public sees this.

This guy's having all the fun.

That's not what I do.

Everybody thinks that this is what I do.

No, that guy, that's not me.

That's me, stop, look.

All I'm gonna say is

this job really fucking blows sometimes, okay?

- Cut.

- [Mike Voiceover] I've always wanted to be a writer.

See, while most kids got to grow up playing outside

and watching TV, I was thrown into a book.

My idols were Hemingway, Tolstoy, Miller and Eliot.

My peers didn't see them as rock stars

but to me, they were gods.

Hell, Ava Gardner used to swim naked in Hemingway's pool.

If that's not rock star enough

for you, I don't know what is.

- I got stuck doing a 9:00 to 5:00

writing obituaries straight outta college.

Things wouldn't be so bad except...

- Bob, I need you to fact check those for me, okay?

And I need it before lunch.

- [Mike] Will do.

- Before lunch, Bob.

(choking)

Don't look at me like that.

(coughing)

- [Mike Voiceover] It wouldn't be so bad

if my name was Bob, but it's Mike.

- Seriously?

- [Mike Voiceover] My own editor doesn't even know who I am.

- No respect.

Can't even get my name right.

Who the hell is Bob?

He even wrote my name Mike on the paper

to give me and still calls me Bob.

There's only one black guy named Bob anyway

and he's dead, he's a dead Jamaican reggae singer.

(upbeat ensemble guitar music)

- [Johnson] Before lunch, Bob.

- I've been working at this paper now

for two years and I still don't know who Bob is.

- Fuck both of you, I had a guy jizz on me today.

Jizz on my face.

I don't want to hear it from either of you.

When cum smacking you in the jaw becomes

an occupational hazard, you've hit rock bottom.

So really, you both have it easy.

- Did he at least buy you dinner first?

- I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response, man.

- Why don't you just quit? - I can't.

This is the only job that I can find

that holds my head above water.

Film school ran me over 100 grand and (sighs)

my senior project just maxed out my credit cards.

- Too bad we can't make one of those films ourselves.

- Why would you want to do that?

- I mean you said it yourself.

Your boss is a talentless sleazeball

but he rakes it in every month.

Look at us, what are we doing with our lives?

You work at Death's Diner where

everyone thinks it's the 1920s and tips accordingly.

My own boss doesn't even know who I am and Steven,

after today's story, when was the last time

you actually knew what dignity was?

I mean we're at a dead end and...

- Making porn is gonna help us how, man?

- Money.

You can get out of debt, you can open up

the restaurant you've always wanted

and I can go tell my boss to go fuck Bob

and work on a novel full time.

Maybe run with the bulls in Spain

or fish for marlin in Cuba.

With enough money, we can stop

working for once and start living.

- He has a point.

- I'm already in the industry.

I don't need more people cumming on my face.

- You'll just direct and shoot.

We'll produce and do all the technical stuff.

You just have to show us.

We've seen your student short.

We know you can make a technically superior film

than the crap your boss makes you do.

So our film should make us more money.

- Yeah Steven, it's not a bad idea.

- I don't believe you two.

You're like a couple of hedonistic wolves.

It's like I'm dealing with Romulus

and Remus suckling someone's tit.

No, no, no, absolutely not.

- You should at least give it some thought.

(mid tempo electronic music)

- What do you mean I can't get midgets on this short notice?

Okay fine, what about the donkey?

Yes, it has to be black and shave it this time, will ya?

Are you okay, kid? - Huh?

- Yesterday when Marco spooged

in your face, you seemed upset.

- I'm all right. - You sure?

Now he didn't get it into your good eye, did he?

- No, no, no, I'm fine.

- You know when I started out in this business,

John Holmes himself smacked me in the face with his dick.

Had kind of smoky flavor to it, I lost two front teeth.

I was upset. - I'm fine, I'm fine.

I just want to start working and forget everything else.

- Good because there was something

I wanted to talk to you about, kid.

A new direction, if you will.

You see, we need to diversify.

- Oh hell no.

They wanted me to start shooting gay porn, fuck that.

- Are you joking?

- I walked in on two guys today with my boss

telling me he wants to take things in a new direction.

- A little swordplay would really upset you?

- He just quit his job, can you not crack jokes?

- Steven, I'm sorry. - I'm done for.

I don't have any savings, I don't know what to do.

- We'll figure out a way.

- Hey, were you serious yesterday

about making porn ourselves?

- That was just talking.

- You kidding me, you were just talking?

I'm contemplating robbing a liquor store

with a prop gun and you were just bullshitting?

- I didn't give it any real thought.

- You were gonna finish writing the novel

you always wanted to write while running from

the bulls in Spain and fishing for marlin in Cuba.

That sounded like a lot of thought to me.

I mean that thought process has a cast

of characters, a main theme and credits, like

didn't that seem like a lot of thought to you?

- Look, I was screwing around, it was some pipe dream.

- And me running my restaurant is a pipe dream?

- Yeah.

I mean no.

Look, I thought about it but

I didn't really think about it, you know?

- You're an asshole. - Come on.

- Yesterday you're trying to sell Amy and I

your little fantasy and today it's all bullshit?

- We're talking about making porn.

- No, you were talking about making porn.

I was trying to get out of it.

You know what man, nevermind, thanks for nothing.

- Steven, come on dude. - I'm done.

I can't, you don't have the balls to do anything.

- [Mike] What?

- You don't have the balls to do anything.

Your boss could be sitting there calling you Shirley

and you would just sit there editing his articles all night.

I'm surprised you don't do it in a dress for him already.

(slap) (grunt)

Did you just smack me? - Yeah.

- Not a punch but smack me?

- Look guys, come on.

- Who showed you how to fight, your mother?

- I'll show you what my mother taught me.

(grunting)

- Boys. - Let go of my nipple.

- Oh my god.

- Ah, my nipple!

- God, just stop, I've had it with you!

- He bit my nipple.

(Mike choking)

(up tempo trumpet music)

- It's like babysitting three year olds.

- I could've handled that. - Really?

Sometimes I don't get you two.

- He started it.

- And did you have to keep pushing the issue?

- Where am I?

- [Amy] You and Steven just got a little out of hand.

- I had a dream I was fighting an anaconda.

- Amy choked you out.

- Again?

I'm going home.

- Hey, you still hit like a girl.

- Really? - You don't count.

- That's just because I had to do the same thing to you.

- Hey, I always let you choke me out.

- Even that time that you pissed yourself?

- I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't really recall such an event.

- [Mike] One of you guys have my keys?

(mid tempo drumbeat)

- Bob, I need you to fact check

these before you go home today.

Bob (snapping fingers), hello Bob?

- What?

- I need you to check this stuff before you leave.

It's part of the early morning run.

- Will do.

- Is that you?

- What?

- Something just smells really pretty.

- Pretty? - Yeah.

Did you get a new cologne or something?

- Why would it be pretty?

- Oh, I don't know Bob, you know,

secretaries like to present themselves

in a certain kinda way, it's nothing to get upset about.

- It's not Bob, it's Mike,

it's always been Mike and I'm not your secretary.

I was a reporter before you came on board.

I actually did more than spell check

your mistakes and sit around here wondering who Bob is.

- Now listen, calm down Bob.

- It's Mike.

You know what,

I'm done.

I'm gonna take the two months vacation

you stiffed me last year plus this year's.

(Johnson laughing) You think it's funny?

'Cause if I don't, I'm gonna walk right up to HR

and tell them that you tried to perform fellatio on me.

- Whoa.

- While I was at the urinal, yeah.

Understood?

Good, get the hell outta my office.

- [Johnson] Okay.

- [Mike] Suck it Johnson, Mike's out!

(relaxed ensemble piano music)

(waves crashing)

- Hi, I just wanted to inquire about

the job you guys posted in the paper.

Yeah, do you actually need your own airplane for that?

You do, huh?

Okay, no yeah, no, I completely understand.

Thank you for your time, thanks so much, all right, bye.

(sighing)

Hi, how are you?

Yes, I was just calling about the job you posted.

Well no, technically I've never

milked a real live cobra before.

But I'm a fast learner.

Really?

Yeah, no, no, no, that's great.

Okay, perfect.

Absolutely.

No, I'm totally interested. (knocking)

Actually, can I just call you right back?

I seem to have somebody at my door.

Absolutely, I promise I'll call you in just a bit.

Thank you, thank you so much.

Great, bye, have a great day, bye.

(knocking)

What do you want?

I just hung up on a very promising phone call, man.

- You were right, my job, everything, you were right.

So,

I'm in.

- You're in what?

- The three of us making porn.

I spent all day at the beach writing

in the last few hours, typed it all out, here.

Now they're not all done yet but I've written

a treatment as well as 10 to 12 pages of each script,

just to give you a good idea of the finished product.

- "Farewell to Cock-Rings."

"My Fat Dick Also Rises."

"The Old Man and the Coochie."

I gotta tell you man, I don't know

if Hemingway would be proud or disgusted or

an odd combination of the two but I'm sure that

he's rolling over in his grave right now to find a shotgun.

- Did you read it?

Mike dropped off some copies at the restaurant.

- I'm still trying to get past these titles.

- Mike, you could win the first Pulitzer for porn.

That's what I think.

I thought "Farewell to Cock-Rings"

was both tender and touching.

- I just started writing it

and everything just came together.

- So are you in?

- You guys really want to do this?

- This is first day away from my idiot boss.

I'm writing and I feel better than ever before.

- I can't keep waiting tables making 15% of a coupon.

- I guess I can always learn to milk cobras some other time.

Let's do this.

- Yes.

Here are my thoughts.

Amy and I will pool our money together to fund the film.

We'll act as producers to start.

You just have to come up with a budget

and we'll work on getting you what you need.

- What are we gonna do about talent?

- Craigslist, you can find anything on there.

- Not everything, man, we're gonna need some fresh faces.

Some porn ingenues, if you will.

- How are we gonna do that?

- I know the place, I know the place.

Come on, come on, let's go.

- [Mike] Put on pants.

- I always do that, I scare children.

- Steve, this place looks like the inside of a vagina.

♪ I've been bad ♪

♪ All this time ♪

(hard rock music)

- Why don't we ask around and see if any

of these ladies are interested in bettering their careers?

♪ Drown your tears, unthread your fears into me ♪

- So I think you would be perfect.

(slap)

- So what do you say?

That's not a no.

♪ Passion reigns ♪

- I like the way you say no.

- We have enough skinny chicks.

How would you like to join our film?

- You'd be perfect.

You look just like my ex-girlfriend's mom.

- No lie, you're like the third one tonight.

So can we speed this up? (slapping)

- Can you really put both legs behind your head?

'Cause we could really use that.

- Is that your real hair or an Indian girl's?

- So if you don't want to be in the flick,

can I just buy one of your shoes?

- Sorry, only girls under 30.

- I mean I would take both. - Oh, shut up.

- So, what do you say?

- Honey, does it look like I'm on a fucking pole right now?

I'm the bartender.

Tiny, get this guy outta here.

- First off, who's Tiny?

I'm so sorry, it was a compliment.

You look really great, you are strong.

Ow, is that your cell phone?

(groaning)

God.

Oh, I hate me.

I hate me so much.

I asked for this.

I told him this, I told him we could do this.

Let's make a porn.

I like watching porn.

What makes me think I'd be good at making one?

It's the dumbest idea on the planet.

I hate you, Steven.

I hate you so fuckin' much.

Fuck you in the eye with a sandpaper condom.

These are my good pants.

- Whoa, whoa, no, no, no, wait, wait.

(Steven screaming)

(cracking)

- I take it you didn't have any luck yourself?

- No, no, not at all.

- [Amy] Thank you so much.

I hope they weren't too much trouble.

- Maybe you should watch the company you keep.

- What the hell are you guys doing?

- We're learning yoga, what does it look like we're doing?

- I think we creeped the girls out.

You have any luck?

- Well I got one definitely and a couple maybes.

Two girls tried to pick me up along with the bouncer.

- I can't feel my legs. - Awesome.

- That's great, that's great.

She's finding love and I can now suck my own dick.

Will somebody come over here and help me?

Just careful, careful, careful.

- [Amy] Oh, stop being a baby.

- I just had Hercules fold me into a paper airplane

and toss me across the parking lot.

Cut me a little slack here, huh?

- We're making headway. - Yeah.

One yes and a couple maybes,

that's technically a good start.

- No, I'm done for the night. - But we just started.

- Yeah, and me and Mike were just dwarf-tossed.

That my friends, to me, is the perfect time to quit.

You wanna go back in there

and keep recruiting, by all means.

Mike, you wanna go do whatever the hell

it is you're gonna do, that's fine.

I'm gonna go home and ice my balls

because for some reason, they broke my fall.

- He's right, you are doing a better job recruiting.

I should go back and finish up some of the scripts.

- Okay.

- Hey Steven, maybe you can come up with an equipment list.

See what Amy and I can budget around.

How much air you think you got back there?

I'm just saying you hovered for a minute,

almost like I was in "The Matrix."

- Listen man, I just wanna walk home alone.

Can you gimme that?

- [Mike] Okay, okay.

(somber ensemble violin music)

- I don't believe this shit.

I might as well start looking for another fucking job.

Shooting porn,

can a job get any more degrading than that?

- What's up bro, you need you bum bleached?

We have a special going on.

- I'm good man, thanks. - Are you sure?

It's a great deal. - Yeah, I'm sure.

- Your loss, man.

Change your mind?

- No, no, no, man, I'm just wondering,

doesn't that bother you?

- Well it does sting a little bit the first time.

- No, I mean the job, doesn't the job bother you?

- Publicly degrading myself for a quick buck?

- I wouldn't put it that way but yeah, yeah.

- It's a job, man, that's all.

- You don't have any issues with that?

- A lot at first.

People do throw stuff at me while they're driving,

I mean like all the time. - Really?

- Oh yeah, and they think it's hysterical.

Do you know what it's like to get hit

by a slice of pizza doing 50 miles an hour?

That shit will fuck you up.

This one guy on the day shift,

well he got hit by a stale Krispy Kreme

and he's been in a coma for weeks.

- Damn. - Yeah, guy can't even

walk into a donut shop without crying.

He's traumatized for life.

That's one of the occupational hazards

but the job does have its perks.

- Really, like what?

- You ain't a narc, are you? - No, no, no.

- You can get fucked up and they don't give a shit.

You wanna try a little or are you too square?

- You know what man, I was dwarf-tossed tonight.

I had a guy jizz on me earlier this week

and I recently quit my job in the gay porn industry.

So you know what, yeah, I wanna get fucked up.

- [Jack] All right.

Go big or go home, all right, I like your style.

- This is pretty good. - It was my grandma's recipe.

- These are the best pot brownies I've ever had in my life.

- That wasn't pot.

- Say what, now?

- That was a mix of peyote, DMT,

shrooms and just a little PCP to keep you awake.

I hate tripping and then going right to sleep.

It's like snoozing through the show.

- You gave me a mix of psychedelics?

- Yeah, it's gonna be great.

- I'm gonna die. - Don't be silly.

I just hope you don't have

much planned for the next 20 hours.

- I gotta go to the hospital

right away and get my stomach pumped.

I'm sure I could get there before the drugs kick in, right?

(ominous tones)

(laughing)

I gotta get the fuck outta here, man.

- Enjoy the ride, man, enjoy the ride.

(anxious guitar music)

- How was I supposed to know she was a man?

Is that Steven?

That's freakin' Steven.

What the?

Steven.

Steven.

Steven.

Yo bro, get in the car, we'll take you home.

- I'm sorry, I don't know how you guys know me but

I don't associate with werewolves.

Sorry.

(anxious electronic music)

- Are you okay? - What?

- You kinda passed out at my table.

You don't look so well.

(Steven retching)

- No, I swallowed it, I swallowed it.

(Steven coughing)

Did I OD? - Excuse me?

- Well that's what this is, isn't it?

I died and we're sitting in some strange purgatory.

- Some people believe that life

is just a form of purgatory, if that's what you mean.

- You haven't seen any werewolves around here, have you?

- No.

Are you okay?

- Sorry, it's just been a long, long night man, really long.

- You need me to call somebody, or?

- No, no, no, I'm okay.

I'm just a little out of it.

- Yeah, you seem a little lost.

I'm Bob, by the way.

- Bob, no kidding,

my buddy Mike talks about you all the time.

Steven. - You're okay though, right?

- Yeah, I think I'm all right.

I mean don't get me wrong,

this could still all be part of some long,

elaborate bad trip but this is the most

normal thing that's happened in awhile, so

I'm hopeful that I'm coming down

off of it and can get on with my night.

- [Bob] Are you happy, Steven?

- What?

- Are you happy where you're at?

- What the hell does that have to do with anything?

- All the drug use.

- I don't normally use drugs.

- You're scared of werewolves. - That,

that's different.

They were trying to take me home.

What does any of this have to do with me being happy anyway?

- Everything, you have to find

that one thing that will bring you peace, okay?

And once you get the the joy

back in your life, everything will change.

- My job, my job sucks, man.

- Who's doesn't, okay?

Find that one thing and just dive into it.

Put all of who you are into it.

That's one way to break away.

- Just dive in? - Dive into life, Steven.

Dive into it.

- Then that's what I gotta do, right?

Just dive into it.

This is the best hallucination I've ever

had in my life, man, just dive right into it.

(cackling)

(anxious piano, violin music)

- [Marco] Good morning, sleeping beauty.

- [Steven] Oh god, no.

- You're not hungry?

- Oh god, why did you let this happen to me, Bob?

- Hey, what's wrong?

- We did, didn't we? - What?

- You did, you were balls deep in my ass, weren't you?

- What?

- You were unhappy just jizzing on my fuckin' face.

You had to have it all. - Hey, take it easy pal.

- Don't you tell me to take it easy, don't.

Not after you treat me like a piece of meat.

- No no no, what makes you think

anything happened between us, huh?

I don't swing that way.

- Then why am I naked and why did you make

me breakfast and what the fuck is this thing?

- This thing belongs to Tammy.

She's an actress I work with.

(chuckling)

She must've left it here the other night.

Sometimes I take my work home with me.

And as for your nakedness, well,

last night I bumped into you at the White Room Lounge.

You were screaming something about

"I'm going to dive right in" and then you did.

You dove right into the dirtiest

toilet I have ever seen.

You were filthy, fucked up and you couldn't drive,

so I brought you back to my place.

Your shirt and pants are in the dryer.

I didn't want you sleeping in piss-drenched clothes.

- So nothing happened between us?

- No, you can't always judge everything at face value, man.

I know how you think. - No you don't.

- I don't?

You hated working with me, you hated being on that set,

you treated me like I was some sorta piece of shit nobody.

- That's not true, I just... - Tell me I'm wrong.

- Yeah, you're right and I'm really sorry.

But I had my reasons.

- Oh yeah, what are they?

- I actually graduated from film school.

(Marco laughing)

What? - I'm sorry.

- You don't believe me that I graduated from film school?

- No, no, I believe you.

It's just let me get this straight.

You think you're better than me because you went to school?

I bet you wanted to be some sort

of serious filmmaker too, right?

- Well yeah, something like that.

- I went to Juilliard.

Do you think I ever thought I'd end up in the sex trade?

- Wait, what? - Yeah.

I studied acting, I was damn good at it too.

I even played Othello off Broadway.

- You're pulling my leg. - No, I'm not.

- Wow.

What the fuck happened?

- The arts are a strange business

and after months of not getting cast in these roles

I was auditioning for, roles that I nailed,

well, I went and saw my old acting coach.

He knew that I had been depressed,

disillusioned, suicidal and he looked at me and he said

"Marco, after 40 years in this business,

"I've learned that what it boils down to

"is who you know and who you blow."

I was disturbed, disgusted.

I mean what have I been doing all this time?

Was I not getting cast not because

of my talent but because I was so naive?

So, in the next few weeks,

I went out on calls only with female casting directors

and if I smiled at them a little bit more,

if I gave 'em a little (lips smacking)

at the end of an audition, I would get a call back.

If I let things go even further, I would book the role.

So,

I really wanted to be a great actor, you know?

And in order to do that, I realized

I first had to become a great fuck.

Now I get to choose the women I sleep with

and get paid for all of my talents.

- What about the acting?

- It's like Stanislavsky says, my friend,

"There are no small parts.

(chuckling)

"Only small actors."

- Wow.

I'm sorry Marco, I completely misjudged you.

- No worries, brother.

- You know, I may have a role for you if you're interested.

- Oh yeah?

- The good news is we won't have to sleep together.

- Hey, give me a script.

Here.

- [Steven] Thanks for making me breakfast, man.

- It's the least I could do after you blew me.

You should see the look on your face.

I'm just fucking with you.

- You're such a fucking asshole.

- Hey.

Enjoy my sausage.

- Steven, Steven!

- [Amy] Yeah, I can't see him.

- I'm calling the cops, it's been too long.

- Hold on, hold on.

- You have a key to his apartment?

- [Amy] Not exactly.

- What the hell is that?

- It's a skeleton key to the many doorways of life.

You just keep watch for me.

- You have a past the rest of us

shouldn't ask about, don't you?

- What's up, you guys?

- Where the hell have you been?

- With Marco. - For the last two days?

- Oh damn, that guy said it might last for 20 hours.

- What guy, where were you?

- [Mike] I was about to call the cops.

- We thought you were dead. - Relax, relax you guys.

I ran into this guy that has this anal bleaching

business and he gave me this highly potent brownie

and I'm amazed I'm not chasing the dragon

right now because of it but oh my god,

what a fuckin' high and holy crap, I met Bob.

Dude, I met Bob, Bob's a fucking great guy

and he found me and he told me to dive right in

and I did and it was just this really fucking nasty,

dirty toilet and then Marco found me

and he bathed me while I was sleeping

and it was really nice but he was a perfect gentleman.

Nothing happened, we were naked but there was no touching.

I mean a little touching, there was just

this much touching but then there was a big black dick

and it was in my mouth and then I woke up

and was like oh my god, holy shit.

But I don't know how I got back here but now I'm here

and let's go make some sucky fucky films, you guys, come on.

We've got a lot of phone calls to make, let's go people.

- I think he's on drugs. - Yep, a lot of 'em.

He just said gentlemen, didn't he?

- We will accept him no matter what.

- Right, okay, so you say you have a twin?

- Sure, okay. - Okay.

Have you ever bruised anybody? - Sorry, but I'm confused.

- Okay, so when would you two be available?

- You're usually an accountant.

Can you put it in Helvetica by any chance?

I just feel like it's gonna look more professional that way.

Okay, you're just expanding your horizons.

- Are you okay with anal or ass to mouth?

- 'Cause this is a big horizon to expand to.

- You do not need to know Shakespeare for this part.

- There we go, see, see, it looks more professional.

- Yeah, we do have a black man on set, is that a problem?

I don't know if I like what you're doing

with the nipples there, what's the goal here?

- See, I understand that but

we're looking for sort of a one-time to start.

- Yeah wait, but if the nipples are,

'cause if they were a weapon, then...

- Wait, are they hard nipples?

- Yeah definitely, they're a weapon, think about it.

- Okay, you need to at least have a GED for this part.

- I mean unless you had a silicon weapon,

like it was kinda like a thing that bounces back.

- Oh. - It has like a retraction.

- You guys have been celibate for months.

You don't know anything, can I write please?

We're not gonna have a fluffer on site, so we would

hope that you would come in fluffed, if that's okay.

- What if she's lactating?

She could use that as a weapon.

Just like pshh...

- Yeah, but it's acid.

It's like an acid lactation, no, that's too much.

- No, that's like science fiction.

- There's no craft services or any wardrobe on this film.

Sorry, we don't have the staff for that.

- Steve, what color is this?

- What, my room?

- Yeah, yeah, what color did you choose?

- It's coral.

- So you won't do anything unless there is craft services?

Okay, sorry, sorry for wasting your time.

- It's a coral on it.

- Yeah, we're in a tropical climate.

I got a coral-colored room.

- See, 'cause I've been at the beach,

I've seen coral up close, this is not coral.

- That's not real coral that you're looking at.

This is what coral looks like. - This is a bubble gum pink.

- No, pink, what, are you crazy?

There's no pink in this entire house.

- No, this is bubble gum pink.

It's like whenever you go to one

of those machines where you put

a quarter in and it puts out this room.

- Money being of importance really

isn't the issue but you just wanna do,

mom?

I'm gonna go for a walk.

Yeah, get some air.

- No yeah, I'm still listening.

Pink, this is bubblegum pink.

- I can hear the ocean.

- This is a suggestive pink. - I think of the ocean.

- It's a vagina, it's a small studio vagina, okay?

- No dad, I don't know where mom went.

Yeah, I know she's been job hunting.

- Salmon, that's the color, that's what this is.

- Oh, you mean sal-mon?

- No, no, no, sal-mon?

- Who says sal-mon?

- Did you just say sal-mon?

No, it's salmon. - Really?

- Have you ever written out the word?

There's an L right there.

- Have I ever written out something?

- Yes. - That's what you just said?

- Yes.

- Have you ever eaten a sal-mon or salmon?

- I'm just saying you're coming off

as illiterate right now, it's sal-mon.

- Okay, how do you say almond?

- Almond.

- Now put an S in front of it.

- Salmond.

- See how stupid that sounds?

- Yes, 'cause there's a D, there's no D in sal-mon.

- Steve, we've known you for a long time.

If I knew you said salmon "sal-mon," we wouldn't be friends.

- There's no such thing as salmon.

- This would just be me and Mike.

- You realize the only people

that say salmon are communists?

Yes, hello?

Yeah, this may seem weird,

do you remember me from high school, Mike?

- Your mom's calling again. - You're breaking up dad, bye.

- Do I pick up or do I not?

- Tell her I died.

- No, that's a very known fact.

We can look it up on Google right now.

- How long did it take you to get from Cuba, bro?

- Cuba?

- Do communists write...

- I'm the whitest person in this room

and I'd bet anything this room is coral.

- As a vagina.

- Oh Jesus.

- I've still got the heart-shaped

birthmark right below my thigh.

- Hey Lorraine.

It's good, we're making progress.

- What you doing?

- No, he went on a walk. - Dammit.

No.

- Yeah, he's trying to get back in shape and everything.

Yeah, I know, it's pretty frumpy.

- And you say the piercing is directly on it?

- Can we call you back later?

Because we're kinda busy right now.

- Okay.

- Yes, we have your resume, Lorraine.

- Oh, you say you have a friend, what's her number?

- Okay, I'll talk to you later.

- So you're telling me you're still attached to your twin?

- Okay, all right, goodbye. - Cool.

Guys, I got a promising one, this sounds great.

Her friend says she loves to do this stuff.

Hello?

Yes, he's right here.

I swear to God, one more call from your mom...

- Oh, come on.

- They gave me the number, they gave me the number.

- Hi mom.

That's just gross.

I'll call you back, mom.

She wants to talk to you now. - What?

- Yeah, I can't do that. - Hello?

I'm not the porn star.

I'm going for a walk.

(phone buzzing)

- Not now, Lorraine!

Oh yeah sure, I'll come over for dinner.

Oh, that sounds excellent, I love your zucchini, it's good.

Now I'm thinking about sal-mon in this room.

- Why are you saying it?

- Because it's infectious, all right?

It's infectious. - See?

- Sal-mon is an infected vagina now thanks to you.

- Oh, this is disgusting.

Now this room just gives me the creeps.

- I would rather have a blue waffle.

- This is a communist salmon.

- How is sal-mon like a blue waffle?

- I can't even say sal-mon without thinking about it.

- I don't feel like writing around you.

- I have to think about saying sal-mon.

I know it sounds a little invasive

but we really need the measurements.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

It's just we're looking for a specific size for our movie.

So if you could just...

- Yeah no, I was hoping to get those in edible.

- I'm taking your name off the script.

- Yep.

- I'm not in the movie, I'm the director.

- Well you haven't directed anything if you say sal-mon.

- I would rather have it directed by M. Night Shyamalan.

- Nope. - Oh, come on.

That isn't even fair. - Don't say sal-mon.

- At least he says "salmon."

- And he's weird. - Yep.

- Put me down for a dozen of those.

Perfect.

Yeah no, that'd be great.

Oh yeah, absolutely.

You know what, send me just a couple though.

Absolutely, thank you. - Yeah, sorry about that.

I just had to take care of something.

- All right, you have a great day.

- Yeah, so Wednesday nights,

are you willing to do Wednesday nights?

Awesome, awesome.

Well again, sorry about that, okay?

- We're right now looking for someone between the ages...

- I'll give you a call again. - 25 and 30.

- Hi, yep.

- All right, awesome. - No.

- Okay, bye. - It's allergies,

allergies are really acting up right now.

- No, I'm not sobbing.

(Mike sniffling)

- [Mike] I know.

Yes.

- No, there's no girls crying here.

- [Mike] I'll take down your address

and send it to me in a text message.

My pen just ran out of ink.

We got a problem.

- What is it?

- This camera you want, we can't get it.

- Why? - We can't rent it.

- So buy it.

- It's easier to buy a house,

maybe even two than buy this thing.

Can't you use something else?

- [Steven] Don't you want this to look good, man?

- Not to dismiss your artistic vision

but we're making a porno, not "Apocalypse Now."

- Do you wanna make the same kinda crap that everybody

else is putting out there or do you want to stand out?

- I want to stand out but

what's so special about this camera?

Does it shoot fucking holograms?

Do the porn stars come out of the television

like that chick from "The Ring" and blow me?

- You have no vision.

- This camera better give vision

to the blind, as much as it costs.

- Okay, stop.

Steve, do you really need this camera?

- I really think we need to make

something that nobody's ever seen before.

- Okay. - This is nuts.

- Well we have to trust him.

- We can't afford it.

- I'll take care of it.

- I still think it costs too much money.

- I told you guys I could handle it.

Now you two stay here and I'll go work my feminine charm.

- She's gonna put that camera

on her credit cards, you know that right?

- Listen man, if we want this thing to sell,

we need to give people the best possible product we can.

- I know that.

Listen, I believe in you Steven

but we have to be responsible about this.

If this fails, she's never

gonna be able to pay off that debt.

- It's not gonna fail.

- You don't know that for sure.

I mean we need to make sure we don't

dig ourselves a grave we can't get out of.

- I know but...

- [Amy] Okay guys, let's roll.

- What?

- Unless you guys wanna go to jail?

Then drive.

- What if somebody got our tag number?

- They couldn't have.

- How do you know that for sure?

- Because I switched the plates

when Steven told me that we needed a camera.

- We're going to jail. - Will you two relax?

We'll return the camera when we're done and we'll

even give the clerk a couple grand for his troubles.

Besides, he's not gonna say anything.

- How do you know that for sure?

- Because I took his license

and his address and told them that I know

a couple people that can make him disappear.

- Oh fuck.

- Congratulations Steven, you got your camera.

- Well drive.

Okay, so when the light is blinking red, it's on standby

and when it's solid red, it's recording, right?

- Exactly, just keep an eye on your levels

and let me know if you hear any distortion, okay?

- Okay.

- Here you go, one poncho like you asked.

- Thank you.

- What's the poncho for?

- Oh, that's protection.

Marco is a squirter, yeah, yeah,

that guy's like being at a Gallagher show.

- Our first porn together.

Growing up, you didn't think we would get to...

- [Steven and Amy] No.

- I'm just so excited, where's the talent?

- Simone's coming soon. - Simone, nice.

Is that her Christian name?

(phone buzzing) - I don't know.

- Hey Marco, hey yeah, what's going on?

We were just talking about you, man.

No man, what do you mean you're in the ER?

A horrible nipple clamp accident?

Yeah, okay man, yeah.

Okay yeah, just feel better, okay?

Feel better, okay bye, yeah, we're fucked.

Do we have any male backups for this?

- I don't know, that was your guys' job.

- Wait, what? - Yeah, that was your job.

I get the female talent, you get the male talent.

- No, no, I told you to get the talent.

- Yeah, at a strip club featuring women, so I got women.

- So you didn't get any men for this scene?

- I didn't think I had to. - We don't have any backup?

- You're telling me I don't have a dick?

- Apparently not.

- I don't have a dick, awesome.

- [Mike] What do you mean?

- I cannot shoot porn without a dick.

- Can't you improvise?

- Dickless porn doesn't sell, Mike, it just doesn't sell.

I'm dickless, awesome.

- Hello.

- Hi Simone, this is the director.

- Is everything okay? - Oh yeah, yeah.

No, not a problem, not a problem.

- Could you just give us a moment please?

- Sure.

- Just go to the dressing room and relax.

Go over lines and I'll get you whenever we're ready.

- What the hell are we gonna do?

- How the hell am I supposed to know?

- You're the director.

- I don't have a male lead for this, man,

and I can't exactly just go tell

that girl to go fuck herself now, can I?

- Can we? - Okay.

We need to get a male and quick.

We're paying Simone by the hour and she ain't cheap.

So you need to call somebody and get them on this set ASAP.

- Who the hell am I supposed to call?

- You work in this industry, don't you have friends?

- I don't exactly go out drinking

with these people after the office.

(Amy sighs)

I don't even want to be recognized outside of work.

So no, outside of throwing a dart at a phone book

and hoping it lands on some lucky bastard,

I haven't the first clue on who to contact right now.

- Okay, that settles it, Mike, you get to fuck Simone.

- What? - Yeah, you're our male lead.

- No. - Oh, okay.

So when I have to steal a camera, I don't hear any

complaints but when you have to take one for the team,

it's a whole other story.

- [Mike] This is more than just taking one for the team.

- Mike, think about it, what would Hemingway do, man?

Run with the bulls, man, you run with the bulls.

- Don't use my Hemingway analogy against me, this is...

- So, where do you guys want me?

(dramatic chanting)

- Hemingway would totally hit that.

- What do you say, Mike?

- Yes.

Can't believe I'm doing this.

- Grace under pressure, baby.

All right, places.

Besides, what could possibly go wrong?

(relaxed rock music)

- Yeah. - Yeah.

(moaning)

Ooh babe, ooh babe, lick it.

Oh god, yeah.

Is that your tongue ring or are you just, oh god, yeah.

Woo.

- Oh yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

- [Simone] No, oh, wrong hole.

Okay.

(Mike laughing)

- [Mike] Oh, the action is rising.

Oh, the action is so rising.

Oh shit.

- [Simone] Don't fuckin' choke me.

- [Mike] I'm not gonna choke you.

(moaning)

Oh my. - Yeah.

Oh, it's not in, oh, oh, oh, okay.

- [Mike] Say you want me, say you want it.

- [Simone] I want it, put it in the right place.

Oh, okay.

- [Mike] Timer start.

- [Simone] Timer, what timer?

- Timer starts. - Timer.

- [Mike] I'm gonna start the timer in a minute.

- [Simone] Start the timer.

Yeah.

(moaning)

- Fuck the timer. - Okay, no timer.

- Just as long as you want. - Okay.

- [Mike] That's where, oh, that's where you live, come on.

Oh, hold onto that, hold onto that.

- [Simone] It popped out again, oh, it happened again.

- Timer's not out, timer's not out.

I bet you can, I bet you can, I bet you can.

Oh god, oh god!

(retching)

I came in my own mouth.

- What the fuck just happened?

- I came in my own mouth!

- I gotta see that shit again.

It actually ricocheted and then he bukakied himself.

- How you gonna follow that up?

Oh, are you gonna self-inflict a donkey punch?

- Did he spit or swallow? - Fuck you all!

- [Steven] Hey Mike, at least I don't feel

so bad about dude cumming on my face, huh?

- Oh, come on, deep throat needs some time to himself.

- Oh, slow motion. - Oh, yay.

(Mike retching)

Oh, you actually see the glimmer.

- [Steven] It looks like

he liked it for the first couple seconds.

- [Amy] Oh, but at least you got a lens flare.

- [Mike] I'm dying.

- That's the last of it.

- All right, we'll regroup tomorrow

and see if we can find some more actors.

Maybe you can work your charm

and see if you can find us some guys.

I'll call Marco and try

to find out when his nipples are healing.

- Okay. - Where's Mike?

- He's inside, he's brushing his teeth for the 100th time.

- Mike, let's go. - What's the rush?

- Really? - What?

- Come on, sorry, bad choice of words.

I'll buy you a whole bottle

of Listerine on the way home, let's go.

- Hold up, are you the three shooting the porn?

- Damn Amy, you work fast. - Yeah, no.

I don't know these guys.

- I don't like to repeat myself.

So would you mind answering the question?

- Why? - Answer the question.

- What's the big deal?

- We need to talk.

- It's in me, guys, it's in me.

- I knew I should've never let you steal that video camera.

- Yeah, what's this all about?

- You shot a porn with Simone today, didn't you?

- No, don't even know the girl.

- And if we did, what is it to you?

- Bones isn't gonna like it.

- Who's Bones? - The boss.

- I don't think I want to know the answer to this but

why won't Mr. Bones like it?

- Simone is his girlfriend.

- Yep, didn't need to know that.

- Yeah, well Simone's a grown woman

and she's capable of making her own choices.

- Don't help, don't help.

- Okay, everybody just shut up and chill out.

He just wants to meet and talk.

Now,

get in.

(anxious rock, electronic tones)

I'm gonna need you guys to take a seat.

- Is there a reason the couch is covered in plastic?

- Bones is remodeling.

- Just this section of the living room?

- Just that section.

- That's nice.

I can't wait to see what he does

with the couch when the remodel is done.

(phone buzzing)

- You got it.

Yeah, they're here.

Okay.

You guys sit tight.

I'm gonna go pick up Bones

and you can work all this out with him.

Luis will keep you company until then.

(anxious electronic music)

- Yo, hold up.

Don't move.

(anxious violin tones)

I'm coming right back.

- We're fucking dead.

I can't believe you let me fuck a mobster's girlfriend.

- How was I supposed to know she was even attached?

- You ask.

Isn't that the first thing you should do?

"Hey, we're shooting a porno, you interested, yes?

"Great, you wouldn't happen

"to be in a relationship, would you?

"Possibly with a mob boss that would likely kill for you?"

- I thought she was single. - Apparently not.

This guy's name is Bones, fucking Bones.

He's not just gonna kill us,

he's gonna eat us with a side of fava beans.

Why the hell are you so calm?

- Sorry?

- You do realize what's gonna happen here, right?

We're on a plastic covered couch

for a reason and you haven't said one damn thing.

- Oh, my life's been flashing

before my eyes this entire time.

It's been pretty uneventful, actually.

Marco cumming on my face is oddly a highlight.

- I can't believe this is how we're going to die.

- Speak for yourself.

I plan on doing something about it.

- That was a great idea.

- I told you.

You lay plastic down over one section

of the room and they're gonna shit themselves.

By the time Bones goes in there

to talk to 'em, they'll tell him everything.

- I don't know why Simone has to do stupid shit

like this and Bones has to make a big deal of it.

- 'Cause she's got daddy issues and Bones,

that's a whole nother story altogether.

(phone buzzing)

- Yeah, boss?

I'll be right there.

I gotta go.

- I gotta get back up there myself.

I hope that loud one hasn't pissed himself yet.

I hate mopping up urine.

- I think I just pissed myself.

- [Steven] What?

- I've never killed a man before.

- Just close your eyes and swing.

- My god, you two just get a grip already.

- [Steven] Sorry.

- Okay, now, now, now, now, now.

(clanking)

- Now look at this bullshit.

- I fucking hate my life.

(grunting)

(tense mid tempo drumbeat)

- My sciatica.

I'll choke your ass to sleep.

(grunting)

(tense mid tempo drumbeat)

- A little help here, guys?

(clank)

- [Steven] Did we get him?

- Yeah.

I got him.

I got him.

- Well shit, you did.

That was awesome. (Mike laughing)

- Really?

- Hey, I did my part.

I don't see what you're complaining about.

- Nevermind.

- You guys, I think this guy's dead.

- Isn't that the point?

- What the fuck are we gonna do now?

- I don't know.

- We're gonna mop the entire floor with bleach,

we're gonna get rid of the body and then

we're gonna disappear, that's what we're gonna do.

Find some keys on him.

- Whoa,

his phone has a 41 megapixel camera.

- Are you going to take selfies with him?

- No, but I do need to upgrade and my other phone...

- Find his keys.

- Bingo. - Good, let's go.

The body, assholes.

- [Mike] One, two, three.

(men grunting)

Hey wait, I wasn't ready.

- [Steven] Just pop the trunk already.

Jesus Christ, this guy's a heavy son of a bitch.

- It's dead weight, it always weighs more.

What?

- So now what's the plan? - Drive.

We need to get as far away from here

as fast as we can and I need to think.

- Can we pick up some drive through?

I only had a toothbrush for dinner.

What?

What?

(anxious electronic music)

- [Amy] Okay, we're going to have

to get rid of the car as well.

- [Steven] I'm gonna pull over,

we need to think this through.

- We might be able to ditch it in the swamp.

- But what do we do about the cargo in the trunk?

- That's tricky.

Okay, we're gonna need a shovel and some pliers.

- Why would we need pliers?

- Because we have to cut it... - Never mind, fuck!

We're fugitives, aren't we?

We're gonna have to move to Mexico.

I can't even speak Spanish, I don't even like Corona.

- We're not moving to Mexico, all right?

We just need to work this out.

- What's there to work out?

There's a dead guy in the trunk.

Bones is gonna kill you guys and torture me to death.

I'm going to Mexico.

You guys can do whatever you want but I gotta go.

- Just chill out.

Amy, see if there's a map in the glove box, would you?

- Oh my god, guys, you're not gonna believe this.

- What?

- We killed Scarface.

- Is that what I think it is?

- It doesn't look like a map. - That's a kilo of cocaine.

- That can't be, that can't be real, right?

- I think so.

- Can I get a little bump? - No!

- Oh come on, just one little bump.

- Seriously?

- [Mike] Just one bump, that's all I want.

- [Amy] What is wrong with you?

- Just gimme the fuckin' hit. - No.

(police siren blaring)

- I can't believe this shit is happening right now.

- Oh my god, oh my god.

- You've gotta do something with that.

- Like what?

- I don't know, get rid of it. - How?

- Eat it. - Eat a kilo of cocaine?

I'm not Keith Richards. - Okay, I can handle this.

- [Steven And Mike] No!

- Jesus Christ, put that fucking thing away and put

that thing under the seat or something, get rid of it.

- And what about the rest of it floating in the air?

- Just shut up and I'll take care of this.

Hi officer, what seems to be the problem?

- License and registration. - Right.

Here you go, sir.

- This car's not registered under your name.

- Right, yeah, I'm dropping it off for a friend.

I'm sorry, completely forgot.

- Tell your friend his tag's expired.

We're gonna give him a ticket next time.

- All right, you got it.

I'm sorry sir, thank you.

Oh, thank fucking God I'm white.

You need to get rid of that gun.

I can't believe you were gonna kill that cop.

- I was only gonna wing him if things escalated.

(Mike snorts)

- Woo, this is some good shit!

- Jesus, between Hunter S. Thompson in the backseat

and the Femme Nikita riding shotgun,

I'm amazed I'm not fucking dead yet.

- This isn't my fault.

- Yeah, I just don't know how to,

(gunshot booms) ow, oh my god!

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

- Holy shit. - What did he do?

- I think I just shot myself in the balls.

- Both of 'em? - Maybe, yeah.

- Let me see. - No!

Why the fuck would you give me the gun in the first place?

- You told me to.

- Don't fucking listen to me.

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

Oh, you guys need to get me to the hospital right away.

- No! - What do you mean no?

- We have a gangster in the trunk

and we just look like we got gang-banged by a drug cartel.

- Oh, he's right.

- I may have shot my balls off,

Amy, and you're siding with him?

- Okay, I have a plan. - No.

I don't like your plans, Amy.

- Well I know a guy. - Oh, you know a guy.

That's great, what, does he just

specialize in reattaching men's balls?

Oh, why would you know a guy like that, Amy, why?

- No, he's a doctor, sort of.

- Sort of?

(Steven weeping)

What do you mean sort of?

- He's a vet.

- I'm gonna be a eunuch for life, eunuch for life.

Anybody have a spatula

so I can scrape my balls off the seat?

(anxious electronic music)

(knocking)

- [Andrew] What the hell?

- Thank you so much.

- Did you take him to a hospital?

- He's illegally here and fears deportation.

- Really? - Si, senor.

- We need your help. - Look, I'm not...

- Look, would you just look at him

and see if there's something you can do?

- All right, leave him on the couch, I'll be right back.

- Thanks.

(Steven groaning)

- Look, I gotta see what's going on.

It'll just take a minute.

Just grab his hands, hold him down or something.

- No, no, no, guys, I don't want to lose a testicle.

I'm ticklish there, man. - Breathe, bitch.

- Look, I'm gonna clean and treat the wound, okay?

Just relax. - You'll be fine.

- Andrew's the best, okay? - Okay.

(anxious violin music)

- [Andrew] All right, that'll do it.

(sharp, tense tones)

Any bigger, I would've needed two Band-Aids.

- [Mike] Oh, come on.

- And why's Mai Ling?

- Hey, you leave her out of this.

Mai Ling love me long time.

Long time. (Amy scoffs)

- [Amy] I want Korean food now.

- So you wanna tell me what's going on?

- It's complicated. - Amy, talk to me.

You show up here out of the blue.

You're running from something or someone,

now you're just gonna take off again?

- Guys, can you wait in the car.

- Come on man, it really hurt.

- Shut up, cheddar ball.

Who shoots themself in the dick?

- It was my balls.

- What the fuck?

- He's gone?

- [Mike] Who'd steal a dead guy?

- [Steven] He wasn't fucking dead, man.

- You said he was dead, you didn't check?

- He wasn't moving, you hit me in the head

with a frying pan, I wasn't thinking clearly.

- We gotta go get Amy.

- Hey sir, so let me just explain what happened here.

So it was his fault, he did it.

He hit the guy over the head, he threw him in the trunk...

- Shut up, hey, they're over here.

- I am gonna kill these cocksuckers.

- [Tony] We gotta see what the boss says first.

- Kneel down. - Fuck!

(Steven weeping)

- This is your fuckin' fault, your fuckin' fault.

I should've never rolled with you, man.

(anxious guitar music)

(Steven wailing)

Bob? - Steven?

- Bones, you know these guys?

- I met this one at a bar a few months back.

He has a massive drug problem.

- Bob, you're Bones?

- This doesn't make me feel any better.

- So these two are the ones who attacked you?

- Well it was more so the girl than these guys.

- Girl?

- They were with a girl

and that chick's like a little ninja.

- Just like a ninja, boss. - Bob, Bob,

you're not actually gonna hurt us though, right?

It's Bob, man, Bob ain't gonna, Bob's all right.

Bob's a good guy.

- So a girl stopped you?

- She was like Jackie Chan's evil offspring.

- [Tony] No, just like Jackie Chan.

- Bob, just so we're clear,

so there's not actually gonna be any real hurting

of us by any of you, right?

I was just doing like you said, man.

I was just diving right in, you said to dive right in.

I was just gonna dive right in, that's all I was gonna do.

- Shush.

- Okay, I'm gonna shush now.

- This may be a bad time to ask this but

did you used to write for the Herald?

- Years ago. - See, I told you.

I told you it was him, man.

- I finally get to meet Bob, but it's at my demise.

- You think, you think...

- Shut the hell up, both of you.

What girl?

- [Luis] That's her right there.

- Dad?

- Amy?

What are you doing here?

- What are you doing here, you son of a bitch?

You left us, you left me and mom.

- I'm sorry. - But why, why did you leave?

- I was drawing too much heat.

I didn't want you two getting hurt.

- Well you're here now and you

didn't think to come and find us?

- I tried and I took care of anyone who stood in my way.

I've died 100 times trying to make it back.

I thought everything would be okay.

But I just couldn't face you.

- But we needed you.

(Amy weeping)

- Not as much as I needed you.

- [Mike] Is he still pointing a gun at us?

- [Steven Voiceover] Amy eventually

forgave her father and well, he forgave us.

Not an easy thing for a guy

named Bobby Bones Breaker III to do.

The adult film we made only had a small

cult following but we all got more

out of the experience than we'd ever imagined.

- He cums in his own mouth?

That is just genius.

This is just like my wedding night.

Ma, hey ma, get the cat, you gotta see this.

Ma.

(upbeat rock music)

- [Amy Voiceover] My dad helped me finally

open my dream restaurant where the food

is fresh, the service is impeccable

and we don't accept fucking coupons.

- Amy, you have a delivery.

- [Amy Voiceover] We're even becoming

one of the highest rated dining halls in the area.

(upbeat guitar, piano music)

- Hey.

So, are you gonna write us any more bad reviews?

I didn't think so.

Now,

you take care.

- [Mike Voiceover] I wrote a book

on my experiences working in the adult film industry.

The recognition I received from the book's success

landed me a massive promotion at the Herald.

- I'm gonna need those checked tonight before you go home.

- My kids have Little League tonight.

- Oh, I understand, you can take it with you.

- [Johnson] Okay.

- See Betty, I can be accommodating.

- My name's not Betty.

- [Mike] What?

- My name is not Betty.

- Do you enjoy working here?

- Yes.

- Then I'm going to call you Betty.

Now, who's my bitch?

- I am. - What?

- I'm your bitch.

- Have a good night, Betty.

(rattling)

(weeping)

- [Johnson] I hate how he always calls me Betty.

It's fucking affirmative action.

- [Mike Voiceover] Besides that promotion,

I found my own bulls to run with.

We all learned a few valuable lessons.

It's not what you do for a living that makes you alive.

Dream careers don't always make you happy and a large

paycheck won't necessarily buy you peace of mind.

It's nurturing the friendships that stick

with you through it all that really count.

- Oh my god, not again.

- How is that even possible?

You were inside of me. - I don't know.

- It's like your sperm's Houdini.

- [Mike] There's so much, there's so (retching).

- [Steven Voiceover] Marco and I became good friends.

He even got me to try my hand at directing live theater.

- Okay guys, why don't

we take it from the top of the monologue?

Lights.

(relaxed piano music)

- Alas, poor Yorick.

I knew him, Horatio.

A fellow

of infinite jest,

of most excellent fancy.

He hath born me on his back 1,000 times and now,

in my imagination is it so abhorred.

My gorge

rises...

(Marco moaning)

- He's a great actor, isn't he?

Are you kidding me?

You're like 200 feet away from me.

It tastes tangy.

(Marco cackling)

- [Steven Voiceover] If I've learned anything at all, it's

that in life there are no small parts, only small players.

(soft chiming music)

- I'll buy you a whole gallon

of Listerine on the way home, let's go.

- It's not even that funny. (laughing)

- Wait, wait, wait.

(hard rock music)

(groaning)

- I did this.

I asked for this.

I could've just sold rocks.

I could've just sold a bunch of crack

and made everybody happy.

- [Steven] Oh no, that was a tire.

- Before lunch, Bob.

♪ Good morning ♪

- Don't look at me like that.

♪ Take everything ♪

- You know when I started out in this business,

John Holmes himself smacked me in the face with his dick.

It had kind of a smoky flavor to it.

I lost two front teeth, I was upset.

♪ Got nothing on me ♪

- Would you like your anus bleached, sir?

- Hey, take it easy, pal.

- Don't you tell me to take it easy, don't.

Not after you treat me like a piece of meat.

- Look.

No, no, no, cue me again.

Sorry.

- Who's doesn't, goddamn, I fucked that one up again.

Sorry, one more time, what's the fuckin' line?

- To take, to take, to take a seat, a seat.

Okay, take a dick.

♪ Take me ♪

- I'll be right back.

- Honey, does it look like I'm on a fuckin' pole right now?

I'm the bartender.

♪ Big brother protect me ♪

♪ Take me from cradle to the grave ♪

(hard rock music)

♪ You got nothing on me now ♪

♪ Nothing but me ♪

(hard rock music)

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪