Original subtitles

Exotic and new Climb on board

We wanna have sex with you

And love There's

tits that galore Girls will blow you

And do so much more

is something that's done for fun.

The love boat promises pussy for everyone.

Drop your pants for adventure.

There's booze, frogs, and sex, romance, and love.

Mike Hurt went ashore.

See that blonde girl smile.

I need an update, Miss McCoy.

How... All the cabins are clean.

We're ready to go, Captain.

Great. Permission granted to start boarding passengers.

I'm departing the bridge, and I'll see you in the lobby.

Hello. Welcome aboard.

Mr.

and Mrs. Johnson, your cabin's going to be on the promenade deck.

2 -31.

Take the second elevator on the left.

Wow, she's sexy.

I wouldn't mind giving her a full physical.

Didn't you see her disability, Doc?

What disability?

Her husband?

Hello,

crew. The ship looks great.

Captain Stillman, we are delighted that your daughter Vicky will be joining us.

It's Vicki's spring break from college.

Please watch out for her. I don't need a sex scandal rocking the high seas.

A sex scandal?

Well, Vicki's 21 now, and she's been doing a lot of experimenting sexually

guys. Captain, congratulations.

That's great.

That is not great, Isaac.

Sex makes me nervous.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I still get a little nervous before sex,

too.

I wasn't talking about me, Gopher.

They need me in the engine room. I'm going down.

I bet his daughter will be going down, too.

Knock it off, Doc. I remember when I was 20. My hormones were raging.

Mine still are.

Hi,

guys.

Hey, Vicky.

I bet you're looking forward to a nice, quiet cruise, huh?

Quiet? I'm here to boogie.

There's going to be a lot of really cool guys on the ship.

Julie, thank you so much for letting me stay at your cabin with you.

I hope you don't mind if I bring a friend or two back.

All right, guys, I've got to split. I'll see you later.

A friend?

Or two?

That girl's going to sink the ship.

Ah, welcome.

Jessa, you're in room 128 on the Lido deck.

Do you have a companion?

No, I actually just split with my old band, so maybe there's, you know,

around here you can introduce me to that's fun and not looking for

I think I know just the guy.

Your elevator's right over here to your left.

Thank you.

Now that's my kind of passenger.

I think she's going to need a little room service.

Room service?

That's not your job.

I knew medical school was a waste of time.

Welcome aboard, Mr.

and Mrs. Mr.

and Mrs. Stone, actually. Well, not actually, because we're not actually

married, but we're going to get actually married as soon as we get to Puerto

Vallarta. Isn't that right, honey?

Oh, how romantic.

I'm too young to get married. You know, I want to meet other guys before I

settle down.

Ha, ha, ha.

That's my wife.

Such the kidder. That's why I'm going to make her my wife.

Your cabin's right this way on the promenade, 247. Thank you.

I'll see you all soon?

Doubtful. We'll be spending most of our time naked in our cabin. I doubt that

you'll be seeing much of this ship at all.

I smell trouble in paradise.

And on that note, I think it's time for me to start some drinks.

Oh, yes, Miss Carson.

Welcome aboard.

You're going to have such a wonderful time.

I hope so. I haven't been laid in two weeks.

A whole two weeks?

Here, let me help you with your bags.

Cooper, my bags are already in her cabin.

Oh, well, maybe I can help you with whatever it is you may need help with.

You're cute, Gopher.

Why don't you give me a little tour of the ship and then show me to my room?

Here you go. You're on the Fiesta deck.

124.

I love being on a Sunday.

I love being on a sexy man.

I want to suck your balls, Gopher.

What? The Mexican martini mixer begins at 10 p .m. at the Acapulco Lounge.

Well, Miss Carson, here's your cabin.

Aren't you going to come in and help me unpack?

Let's have sex right now.

But, Miss Carson, it's still light outside.

You're going to be my personal fuck toy.

Do you want to eat my pussy?

You are very attractive.

Your face, my pussy, right now.

Well, keep in mind, I can't go swimming for at least an hour after I eat.

Speak to you soon, guys.

Aren't you Gia Grace? I checked you in earlier.

Lido deck, but this is the promenade deck.

Oh, well, they look all the same to me. I'm waiting for John Travolta.

The actor?

Too bad he's not on this ship.

But he is. I saw him come down this hallway into that state room.

I'm his biggest fan.

I think I would have known a star that big was on our ship.

That cabin belongs to Tony Manero.

John played a character in Saturday Night Fever named Tony Manero.

He's using an alias.

That's just a coincidence. I promise you, he's not on our ship. Now, let me

you to the elevators, and you can make your way back to Lido Deck.

Make it a double, little boy.

No can do, sir. Got a strict maximum of 1 .5 hours.

Cut the corporate crap.

Make my crews invisible.

All right?

Oh, my God, it is him.

And who exactly would him be?

Him is Mr. X, the most feared travel and leisure critic alive.

Captain, we'll just have the crew pamper him head to foot. No!

He mustn't know that we know he's on board.

Otherwise, we're doomed.

Nobody knows what he looks like. But his reviews can make or break a hotel, a

restaurant, or a cruise ship.

Well, if nobody knows what he looks like, how do we know that's actually

Years ago, I worked as a radio operator on The Jewish American Princess.

We had a good ship until Mr. X wrote some unflattering reviews.

It led to the sudden dismissal of my mentor, Captain Thomas McCormick.

He was a good man, and only a year from retirement.

What happened to this Captain McCormick?

He's running jet skis in Panama City, Florida.

Captain Sousa, like he saw a goat.

Yeah, he rushed right by me without saying a word.

You are not going to believe what's going on.

No necking at the bar.

Okay, we'll go in the pool.

No, not in public.

Hey, has anybody ever told you you look like Vinnie Barbarino?

I hear it all the time.

Not you, him.

Are you Ron Jeremy?

Hey, Ronnie, how you doing?

You know, we get confused for each other a lot.

Isn't he cute?

Yeah, he's pretty cute.

Wait, aren't you him?

Who, Ron Jeremy?

Nah, me and Ronnie are old friends.

I mean, you know, that guy, him.

Can you keep a secret?

Yeah, yeah.

I am him.

All right. Yeah, that's what's up.

Oh, my God.

Theo was right.

What are you doing on our ship?

You know, sometimes I like to sit back and relax.

I just finished the movie. If you can keep a secret, I'd really appreciate it.

What if one of the passengers sees you? Yeah, they recognize you. Well, usually

I just tell them I'm Ron Jeremy, and it works itself out. Hopefully they fall to

their knees.

Don't worry, your secret's safe with me.

Hooray. Come on, let's go to my cabin.

Ah, thank you. I think I'd rather stay here with my man Isaac.

Hang out.

Oh my God, I can't believe John's going to have sex in my bed.

With the captain's daughter.

Isaac, we promised Captain Steubing we would watch after her and keep her safe.

Yeah, Julie, you better go, uh...

Keep an eye on her. Make sure she doesn't do anything stupid.

Like a prick.

That's what blowjobs are for.

The Mexican Martini Mixer begins at 2 p .m. in the Acapulco Lounge.

Don't look at doggy style.

Oh, oh yeah.

Baby, you look hot. You look hot.

I'm going to blowjob.

I told you.

It's not your dick. I want to fuck.

Oh. Well, then maybe I'll save a tree and eat a beaver.

Ha ha. Funny.

I'm serious.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Dick ain't fucking his dick.

Let me fuck other guys.

Leave me alone.

I told you. I want to go fuck one of the crew members.

The crew members are grown.

You can't expect me to stay loyal on a cruise.

Go and find somebody to fuck.

Okay, honey.

Have a good time.

So, hey, Julie.

You want to get naked and make love?

I've got a raging heart on. And my fiancé has just given me a hold -up.

Miss McCoy, report to the bridge.

Navy rain check?

I gotta go.

Okay, then.

All right, I'll keep my top card for you.

Doggy style, right?

Doggy style.

Nobody likes doggy style.

Miss McCoy, report to the bridge.

I've been getting complaints lately that there's a crazy woman on board looking

for a big Hollywood actor.

I have everything under control, Captain.

Her name's Miss Grace.

She's very beautiful.

So it is true.

That Ron Jeremy's on our ship?

No, not Mr. Jeremy. Is Miss Grace a beautiful woman?

Oh, yes, sir. She's a perfect hen.

Does she have a nice body? Does she have nice tits?

Captain, what does that have to do with her thinking there's a famous celebrity

on board?

Nothing whatsoever.

Tell Miss Grace that I would like to see her right away.

How do I look?

How do you look?

Are you serious?

You're giving me an excedrin headache number 69.

I'm going to go to my cabin and rest for a few.

Engine room.

Increased power to 70%. I'm feeling lucky.

You have to stop following me.

If we're meant to be together, we will be.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm smothering you.

Then just let me fuck other guys.

What if you fall in love?

I'm not going to fall in love. I'm not looking for love. What exactly are you

looking for?

I'm looking for a big fat cock to put in his mouth, my pussy, and maybe my

titular apple.

Oh, I'm really turned on now.

Well, maybe I will find myself a pretty girl who likes disco.

Well, hello.

Would you like to be my disco date for tonight?

You're such a slut.

Well, if that isn't the pot calling the kettle black.

So, where were we?

You. We're about to get into my camp.

Oh, Captain?

Oh, sorry, dear.

I didn't mean to barge in on you.

It's okay. I mean, I was just super horny. Besides, it is your room.

Yeah, I almost forgot.

I'm... I'm not going to leave you alone and let you do your thing.

Just don't let your father find out.

Why don't you come join us?

Are you crazy?

Yeah, because who wouldn't want to have a menage a trois with this guy?

Come on, let's have a threesome.

It'll be out of sight.

Julie's not digging the scene.

I'll go down to the pool and find another chick.

All right.

No, no, no, no. Okay, I'll do it with you. But this has to stay in the cabin.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Do you have any booze, Julie?

No, the crew's not supposed to consume alcohol.

Well, I fuck much better when I'm buzzed. I think I'm going to go ask

he'll give me a bottle of Southern Comfort.

I'll be right back.

Sorry, baby.

I gotta go.

I think the captain wants to ball that check. Really? Which one? The one that's

looking for Vinnie Barbarino. Man, that bitch is a pretty motherfucker.

I bet you'll put it so good, make a dead man's friend.

Come on, let's roll.

Thank you for visiting me on deck, Miss Grace.

Call me Gia.

Very well, Gia.

I understand that you're under the mistaken impression that there's a big

celebrity on board.

He's on the boat. I saw him. I would do anything for him.

Anything?

Do you know him?

Do I know him?

Uh, yes, I know him. In fact, I had lunch with him.

Oh, my God, I would die to have lunch with him.

Well, why don't we talk about this in my stateroom over, say, a 1965 bottle of

Satsumago?

Captain?

I wouldn't do that if I was you. Why not?

That would be patient.

Oh, the full frontal exam?

Exactly.

I gotta get back to the bar.

So, what are your symptoms, Mrs. Stone?

Call me Capri.

I'm not married.

I feel all lightheaded after the champagne that I drank.

And my pussy feels all tingly.

Would you take a look at it for me, please?

Are you sure this is a medical issue?

Does it make a difference, Doc?

I'm offering you my body.

How can you resist these big, beautiful tits? Well, I am a professional.

My God, those are some nice tits.

May I?

You can touch anything you want, Doc.

I can't. I'm examining a patient right now.

Thank you. Bye.

Oh my god, yes.

Come and eat your ass.

Stick out your tongue.

Just give me that fucking cock.

You're gonna get

fucked.

transition.

You want to do this for us? Oh yeah.

I'm gonna make that fucking pussy come all the way up.

I can't do this.

Fuck me, I'm done.

Tell me you love getting fucked.

Oh, yeah.

Tell me. I love getting fucked.

I want you to come all over me, Doc.

I want you to come all over the fucking titties.

You sure are beautiful.

Captain, when you're down here trying to get laid, who's driving the boat?

Well, my dear, that's a very good question.

Can you introduce me to Johnny?

Well, John is very particular about the type of woman he meets.

John is very shy, but he has a certain physical type he prefers.

Am I his type?

I would have to see more of you to know for sure.

Should I take off my clothes so you can see?

Only if you want to.

Did I tell you that he loves it when a woman plays with her pussy?

Oh, you mean like this?

Did I tell you that John prefers girls who give good blowjobs? Oh, I really

enjoy sucking cock, Captain.

Maybe if I suck your dick, you can tell him how good I did?

Well, only if you want to.

Look around the bulkhead.

Bye.

um

LARGE HE BLOWS!

Isaac. I promise to fuck you if you give me a bottle of Southern Comfort.

Girl, keep it down. Your father will kill me.

Come on. You know I won't tell him.

No.

I've never told you that I have a thing for vodka.

No, you did not.

Besides, don't you got a Vinnie Barberito back in your cabin?

Yeah, but Julie's fucking... What?

Seems like everybody making love on the job of me.

It's great.

I take cruises all the time.

Two or three a month.

Wow. This is my first time on a ship.

Really? Yeah.

You know, you really, really haven't lived until you've had sex out there on

open sea.

Okay, that is the worst thing of mine I've ever heard.

What am I doing?

What about your girlfriend?

Oh, didn't you hear?

She fell overboard.

Oh, I thought it was a fucking later.

Later? They're like, fool to you.

Girls, there's no time like the present.

You know, we docked and put a rider in like two hours or so.

So now is the time to get down.

Folks,

hey there, everybody. It's your main bartender, Isaac, over here. And

unfortunately, due to maintenance, we're going to be shutting this bar down.

So why don't you head over to one of the other mini bars throughout the shift.

Enjoy yourself, and I will catch you all later.

Did you want to go to my cabin or yours?

Mine.

You and I are going to be making some love.

Right here, right now. Let's get down.

Oh

Okay.

Thank you.

Oh yeah, big black cotton.

And I promise they won't tell anyone.

Now where's my bottle?

One bottle of Southern Cover coming right up.

That's right, Jenny.

I love that.

Oh,

I

fucking love it. I'm fucking in my mouth.

I'm fucking in my mouth.

I'm fucking in my mouth. I'm fucking in my mouth.

I'm fucking in my mouth.

Fuck the fu -

It's come to my attention that Mr. X has witnessed a few unmentionable acts on

this ship.

Hello, Captain.

Oh, God, here he comes now.

The name's Mr.

X, and in my 30 years as a leisure and travel reviewer, I have never,

ever witnessed what book flakes here on this ship this weekend.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I can explain.

There's no need to...

I will send you an advance copy of my review by telegram.

I'm getting off to ship here in Puerto Vallarta and flying right back to Los

Angeles.

Goodbye, Captain.

Excuse me.

Oh, shit. I'm screwed.

Thirty years of good service down the drain.

And because not one of us could keep our pants on.

Vicky, you're grounded for ten years.

Ten years? Isn't that a little harsh?

Captain, sorry.

We all fell into temptation.

Well, I'm just as guilty as all of you.

I'm going to my quarters and pack my things.

Maybe Mr.

X won't be too hard on the captain.

Had a chance of that.

I better update my resume.

You think I'm going to get another job as a bartender on another cruise line

when they found out I fucked the captain's daughter?

Hey, I didn't know you two fucked. Oh, my God.

Isaac's cock is so big.

Hey, guys. Have you seen the captain?

I want to thank him for introducing me to Johnny.

The captain introduced you?

Well, he's waiting for me in my cabin, so he must have.

Is it okay for me to have an extra 25 minutes to fuck him? God, those are some

nice tits.

Sure, take all the time you want and enjoy that cock.

Here's the telegram. Look what he wrote.

Never before have I witnessed a more hospitable cruise liner. The personal

attention the crew members and their esteemed captain gave to their

was second to none. They really took care of them. Call it the personal touch

that rarely exists in the corporate world of travel.

but this was the greatest cruise I have ever experienced.

Well done.

Yay!

Let's go say goodbye to our passengers.

Goodbye. Thanks for sailing with us.

Thanks for sailing with us. Come again and again and again.

Miss Carson, I hope you enjoyed your cruise.

Oh, yes, Captain. It was marvelous.

Need a night, Gopher?

Yes, ma 'am. I'll pick you up at eight? Mm -hmm.

Gopher, you dirty dog.

Oh, where's Miss Gray?

I think I'd like to give her a kiss goodbye.

Thanks for helping me see the light.

You're a pretty good fuck, Doctor.

I hope you come and sail with us again.

You know, with all the fucking going on on this ship, I'll be back.

You know, I really wish this cruise lasted another hour because I really

get fucked again.

Wait!

We want to have sex with you and love.

There's tits that galore.

Girls will blow you and do so much more.

The love boat.

Pumping is something that's done for. fun.

The love boat promises pussy for

everyone.

Drop your pants for adventure.

There's food, bras, and sex commands.

And love might hurt when ashore.

Be that longer