All language subtitles for Top Gear - 22x03 - Homemade Ambulance.WEB.en

Tonight, Richard tests a van,

I drive an old, brown Porsche,

and James uses a telephone.

Hello, everybody. Hello and welcome.

Thank you so much, thank
you, everybody, thank you.

Now... Now...

Ambulance response times have
been in the news just recently.

It seems that many ambulances
aren't getting to

critically ill patients
as fast as they should be.

And nobody seems to know why...

except us.

You see, the National Health
Service believes that this

is a fast-response vehicle,

but it isn't even on nodding
terms with the concept of fast.

It started out in life as
a van with a diesel engine,

and then they added more weight.

And that gave us an idea.

Here's a traditional ambulance.

It's big and it's bulky

and it's stuck in rush-hour traffic.

Plus, it's being driven by a chap
who knows how to drain a lung,

but he doesn't know
how to trail brake

or execute a racing gear change.

Our ambulance, however,
is really different.

Yes, it's the Stig in an emergency
version of Top Gear's P45,

the smallest road-legal
car ever made.

That means it can fit through
the tiniest gaps.

And make its own lane in the jams.

And when it gets to the
scene of an emergency,

it can drive right up to the
building and then go inside.

All of this saves time, and
saving time saves lives.

Of course, you're probably wondering
how on earth the patient can

now be transported to hospital
in an ambulance as small as this.

Well, that is where our genius
really comes into play because,

well, here comes the Stig now
with a patient who has been

literally bored into a coma by one
of the meetings they have in here.

Yes, and as you can see, he simply
has to clip the stretcher

on to the back of the P45
and he's ready to go.

- Yeah.
- Sometimes I think our genius is tangible.

- It's like... it's like it has a mass.
- Yeah, it's like another presence.

It's still there when we've gone.

Yeah. I mean, we've solved
many things over the years,

but I think that is our
finest hour, it really is.

Yeah, I think it's up there
with the best we've ever done.

- Oh!
- Jeez!

- Oh.
- Oh. I think we need to call for an ambulance.

- That's a good idea.
- OK, I'll do it.

- Do you know what the number is?
- Nine...

- Is it nine? - Oh, hello.
- Excuse me. - Oh...

Gentlemen.

"You idiots."

- Hmm. Fair point, this time.
- Yeah. - "You've killed a man."

- He wasn't going to make it anyway.
- No, I don't think he was.

- He looked very peaky.
- He did.

"It's all very well building
a faster ambulance,

"but it's no good if you have
to tow the patient to hospital.

"Now go back to the drawing board
and, for once, do it properly."

- Right.
- Mm-hm, OK.

So we've got to build something

that's faster than
a normal ambulance.

Yeah, but it's got to have
room for the patient.

- Inside it.
- Inside it. Yeah.

That's... that's where
we went wrong there.

Naturally, we couldn't
agree on what vehicle

we should use as a start point,

so each of us went our own way.

Here is what I have chosen.

Yeah, it is a van,
but it's a Chevy G20.

Under there, 5.7-litre
small block Chevy V8.

What I've got is a V8
ambulance, but there's more.

That thing, £150,000.

This? About £5,000.

I am saving the NHS a lot of money

that they can spend better
on bandages and those...

paper bottles that you wee in?

At this point, the
orang-utan arrived.

Hello.

What?

- Well...
- Porsche 944 Turbo.

Yes, I know. It's not
very ambulance-y, is it?

What's wrong with it?

This was actually designed
as an ambulance by Porsche.

- Was it? - It was.
- In what way is it an ambulance?

- Make that work for me.
- Right, OK, fine.

Full James May spec - brown,
brown interior, brown carpet,

brown dashboard -

so that if there's a trouser
accident with the patient

you don't see it,

and the whole point is, we were
told to get a fast ambulance,

were we not? It's a 944 Turbo.

Top speed 152mph.

- And this is yours?
- Oh, yeah.

- Top speed?
- It's so big that they won't even tell you.

- They don't even know what the top speed is.
- Is it?

- There is no top speed.
- Is it? Is it? - Yeah. Look at that.

- Ohh...
- Yep, I know. It's brilliant, isn't it?

Electric seats.

Why is every single car you ever
buy for one of these challenges

filled with ruched Dralon?

I don't know, just something
that happens. I don't know..

Now, I'm sorry, Hammond,
mine is better than yours.

Look at the size of this boot!

'To demonstrate its enormity,
I made Hammond climb into it.'

- It's not brilliant.
- Tell me I've done this wrong.

- Yeah.
- Tell me I've done this wrong.

- Um, one thing.
- What?

- It is quite incredibly hot in here.
- Is it?

I'm in a greenhouse. I'm quite
quickly beginning to cook.

'As Hammond simmered to death...'

Oh, look!

'..An undertaker arrived.'

- Um...
- Oh, sorry.

- Gentlemen.
- Oh, God!

Behold, the Ford Scorpio Cardinal.

So, what's really
interesting about this car

is what's going on under here.

This has a 2.9-litre, quad cam,
24-valve V6 developed by Cosworth

and giving 207 horsepower.

- And... and it has traction control.
- Yes...

And... it has a sport button.

All very interesting, James.
You did very good indeed.

- But there's a bit of an elephant in the room.
- Yes, I knew you

were going to say that. It's not
Ford's finest styling, I know,

but that hardly matters if you've
just fallen off a ladder!

That's not the elephant
we're talking about.

- The elephant's a little further back.
- It's a hearse!

- It is a hearse, James.
- It's what you put dead people in!

Well, look at it this way.

If you lose the patient, which does
happen, you've still got a job.

But look at the plus sides - it's
very fast, it's very smooth...

- Is it?
- Yes, it is. It's very refined. It's the right shape

for patients already.

This is a type of car that has
actually been misused for years.

- Tell you what it would make.
- Brilliant camper van.

Yeah, yeah, good ice-cream
van as well.

Or burger van, anything like
that, anything van-like.

Yes, yes, but not an ambulance.

'My protests were then halted
by the arrival of a challenge.'

- Ah.
- Go on, then.

"You will now do a drag race

"with your ambulances against
the NHS equivalent."

Must be that. "Many points will
be awarded to the winner."

- Well... - Well, I'm the winner.
- Well... - Well, I...

No, you parked next to...
That's a Chevy engine,

that's a Corvette engine in there,
basically, as I have said.

- Shall we just do it and see?
- Yes. - That's the sort of point.

'Moments later, we took our
places on the start line.'

Sport, traction control off,

remain dignified, drive, I'm ready.

Prepare to be surprised.

When this car was new, it produced
217 horsepower, but today I'm not

so sure because when I opened the
turbo yesterday, I found this in it.

Bits of what could be gravel
or broken ceramic. I don't know.

I just know it has no place in
a piece of hi-tech equipment.

That's all it's got.
I'll just leave it open.

Weirdest ambulance race in
history is about to begin.

Three, two, one!

Oh, I'm going to win!
I'm getting ahead.

My mirror's dropping out.

Eat my dust, Chevrolet!

Oh, my God, no!

The hearse is mighty.

Look at it go! 100!

But it seems, yes...

Oh, no!

...the Porsche is mightier
than the hearse.

And across the line at 120mph!

The A-Team had one of these!

Hammond, my commiserations
on your unfortunate loss.

Thank you.

'The fact is, though,

'that all our vehicles were faster
than the National Health Service,

'and having proved that,

'we were told to go off and make
them a bit more ambulance-y.'

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Now, we're going to pick that up...
We'll pick that up later on,

but just before we move on and
do the news, can I just say,

if you're standing in a
field with a severed arm,

you don't want the NHS
to arrive in a diesel van.

You don't want someone
coming in a hearse.

It's a Cosworth hearse.

I don't care if it's a Bugatti
hearse, it's still a hearse.

And what it says to the patient
is, "You're not going to make it."

It does, James. It does.

But the point I'm trying to make
is this, OK, not only are you

bothered about what car they
come in, but also the driver.

You don't want to be rescued
by Josh out of Casualty.

You want Lewis Hamilton.

- Now, that is a good point, actually.
- Yes, it is.

It is because, if you think about
it, racing drivers are like actors.

At any given moment, 97%
of them are out of work.

So why doesn't the NHS take them on?

They could be doing something useful.

And what's Nigel Mansell
doing these days?

Cos he'd be a brilliant
ambulance driver,

- wouldn't he? - He would.
- With his comforting Brummie accent

and his reassuring moustache
in the front of the ambulance.

- I'd love to know he was there.
- Anyway, we must now do the news.

And, uh, oh, yes,

we've had a number of complaints
about last week's show.

People said it was cruel
to blow up a cow.

Well, I want to make it
absolutely plain right now -

no cow was hurt in the
making of that film.

- Its death was instantaneous.
- Yeah.

- Wouldn't have felt a thing.
- Immediate, it wouldn't have known.

- Right, next.
- Yes, I have news, very exciting news. It is a new Ferrari.

- There is a picture of it here. That...
- Holy Moley!

- Wow.
- Yes indeed.

That is the 488 GTB.

It has a 3.9-litre turbo-charged V8,

661 horsepower, 0-60 in
three seconds. Look at it.

Correct me if I'm wrong, this is the
replacement, isn't it, for the 458?

- Yes, it is.
- I'm just thinking, if you had a 458,

you'd be feeling suicidal now,

- wouldn't you? - Yeah, you would. Yeah.
- That's prettier,

faster, it's turbo-charged, it
does 25 miles to the gallon.

50% more downforce than the 458.

- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.
- James? - Yes, Richard?

- Haven't you got a 458?
- Oh, I completely forgot. - Yes, I have.

It's worthless now,

literally worthless,
now they've done that.

You might just want to give it away
to a member of the audience here.

Yeah!

- It's worthless.
- I think we should maybe put it...

Let's open it to all the viewers.

If you'd like James's Ferrari
write to us at James May,

I'll Take That Ferrari
Off Your Hands If I Must,

BBC, London... wherever we are.

- You know, people are actually going to write in now.
- Yes.

And we're actually
going to give it away.

Yeah, we are. We're committed now.

That is a thing of
extraordinary beauty.

But I have to say this -
McLaren quick to respond,

they also have announced a new car.

Can't remember what it's
called, it doesn't matter.

They sent us a picture
of it. Here it is.

I'm not actually joking. They
genuinely sent that going,

- "We've got a new car."
- It's not actually a car, is it?

- Not really, no.
- It's not finished.

I think I prefer the Ferrari.

Now, I want to talk
about immigration,

and as I said that, the
entire BBC management team

sat bolt upright in their
sitting rooms and went,

"Oh, no, where's he going with this?"

Well, relax, LADIES,

don't choke on your tofu.

All I want to say is,
if you are an immigrant,

you've just arrived
in Britain, welcome.

Make yourselves at home. We
hope you're very happy here.

Yeah, absolutely, we mean this.
Thank you for coming here,

thank you for working hard,
thank you for paying taxes,

thank you for cleaning my car.

And we're off the air. That's the
end of that. It's been great.

No, the man who runs the
car valeting place near me

has recently arrived from
Albania and he's brilliant.

No-one else is going to do it.
He is superb, that's what I meant,

- thank you very much.
- Fair enough. Well done, James.

What I wanted to say is,

I've noticed this, driving around
in Britain, OK, I've noticed

a lot of the new boys, people
who've just arrived in Britain,

have to understand how you
use the motorways here -

that the right-hand lane, the outside
lane, is for overtaking -

and then when you've completed
your overtaking,

you then move back into the
two inside lanes again.

I'm just passing that on
as a piece of information.

Cos that's how it
works here, exactly.

- Think of that right-hand lane as the lavatory.
- Yeah.

You go in, do what you've got to
do, and then you come out again.

You don't stay in there all day.

Unless you're James May, then
I don't know what you're doing.

But, actually, seriously,
you can't blame people

for not necessarily knowing that.

If you move to a completely
different country,

there's a lot of stuff that you
don't know that you have to learn.

Exactly. We travel an awful
lot, as I'm sure you know.

I mean, in India, for example,
if you're behind a lorry

and it indicates right, that means,
"I have seen you in my mirrors,

"do please feel free to overtake."

OR it means, "I'm turning right."

Yeah, it does.

And if only there'd been a motoring
show that would've told us

when we got there that
that's what it means.

- It's a valuable service.
- Yeah, exactly.

Because in Burma, for example,
if you turn your headlights off,

- that means it's night-time.
- Mmm.

There's lots and lots of
different little nuances

when you're driving on the road.

There's another one in Britain,
for people who've just got here.

If you're stopped by the
police for any reason,

it's traditional in Britain

- to cup the officer's face and kiss him lightly.
- Yeah, yeah.

And, quite often, you'll find
he'll give you a traditional

little friendly punch in the face.

And maybe a jovial little tase
along with it. It's just...

I think what we're trying to say
is, get out of the outside lane!

Oh, now! There's a new special
edition of the Range Rover Evoque,

- it's called the NW8.
- NW8? - Yes. There it is.

They've named it after
a London postcode?

Yeah, next up probably
will be the E17.

A car that runs over its own driver.

- What's the matter now?
- I don't get that.

- East 17...
- It's a postcode. Why would a postcode...

- How could a postcode...
- East 17 is a band, Brian Harvey?

- Is he a driver?
- No, Hammond, look...

Hammond... Basically, the only
band he knows is the Wurzels.

That's the problem. Now, I want
to talk about stopping distances,

we touched on this when we
were in Australia last week.

You see, the Government says
we have to be limited to 70mph

on the motorway because the stopping
distance from 70 is 315 feet,

which they say that's an
acceptable stopping distance

so therefore you can't
go any faster than 70.

Exactly. But we know that
it isn't 315, don't we,

because we demonstrated this
in Australia last week.

Well, from 60, yes.
But we made the point.

So what we were wondering
is, how fast do you actually

have to be going before
you need 315 feet to stop?

Mmm. So we actually decided,
this morning in fact,

to do an experiment.

We've got footage of it here.

It's the Stig driving along in a
diesel-powered Vauxhall Insignia.

And he's building up speed to
brake point now, full braking

and that's the Stig doing it.

And there we are, 315 feet exactly.

Anyone want to guess
how fast he was going

when he pressed the brake pedal?

100mph?

130 in a Vauxhall Insignia diesel?

No. Try to be realistic.

110? Actually he was doing 112mph.

So if the Government says
that the speed limit is

determined by stopping distance,

then we should be allowed
to drive at 112mph.

- Perfectly logical.
- You can't argue with it.

It's logic.

Right, OK. Now it's time to get
back to our ambulance film.

So far, we've established
that my car, his van

and his hearse are faster
than the NHS equivalent,

and now we pick up the action
after we've converted them

into actual ambulances.

We reconvened once more at our track,

and James was the first to arrive.

Hello, viewers, and as you would
expect, I have done it properly.

This is no longer a hearse,

it is the future of club
class recovery transport.

I've based it all on
business jet travel.

It goes fast and makes
you feel better.

Choice of pillows, television
to show your journey.

A lovely view to the top. A lovely
view out of the windows.

What could be wrong with it?
It is the perfect ambulance.

I don't know why nobody's thought
of it before, to be brutally honest.

- James May!
- Oh, crikey.

Prepare to be blown away by the
turbulence of my magnificence!

Behold, look what I have done!

I'm prepared to bask in the fetid
belch of his incompetence,

but, anyway, let's see. Hello.

The challenge, as you know,
was to build a fast ambulance.

- I've added 300 horsepower...
- Have you? - .. With the paint job.

- Right.
- You'll notice...

- hydraulic handbrake.
- Hydraulic handbrake?

- Hydraulic handbrake.
- You often hear ambulance drivers saying,

"If only I'd had a
hydraulic handbrake."

You've never heard them say that
cos they've never thought of it.

- OK.
- Telephone number.

Yes, telephone number. That
works everywhere, doesn't it?

- That's good, I can see the performance.
- Yes. Yes.

- That? ~ This?
- Yeah. ~ This? - Yeah.

This is genius. No other word for it.

'But before I could explain,
Hammond arrived.'

Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah.

Ambulance.

It doesn't say...

No, what it says is "lo-cost nuclear
waste disposal", not "ambulance".

No, what it says is,
"Get out of the way!"

Because you would. You see that,
you're not going to just sit there

dithering, "Oh, I might, I might
not." You're going to run.

- What's this?
- Well, if you're stuck in traffic, for instance,

and you saw this, and green
gas started coming out,

- you wouldn't be stuck in traffic any more.
- So, you're scaring people

out of the way of your
high-performance ambulance?

- Yes!
- Ah, but it isn't high performance. - No.

- That's what I'm about to say.
- Uh, uh, uh! - Is it any faster?

Yes, I have addressed the issue
of speed very cleverly.

What I've fitted...

If you look over there - nitrous!

Because it has two purposes.

It's what they use as laughing
gas in hospitals, isn't it?

- Yes.
- So, if the patient needs to be made to feel a bit better,

I switch that to "patient".

If I want to go a bit faster,
I switch that to "engine"

and it diverts the nitrous into the
engine, another several hundred BHP.

- Of course! - Yes!
- Nitrous is the same thing that drag racers use

- to go faster and that they use...
- Yeah, yeah.

'James then demonstrated
the motorised loading bay

'he'd fitted to his hearse-bulance.'

- Oh, the speed, the speed!
- I'm bleed...

- It's my femoral artery! I'm bleeding out.
- We're bleeding to death!

It's slowing now, it's
not bleeding as quickly.

It's barely dribbling out now!

It's a good job you've got
a Cosworth engine, James,

- because you've got a lot of time to make up.
- Can we have a look inside?

- Of course you can.
- Oh, look it...

- You've broken it.
- It won't take the weight of a tiny, tiny man.

'I then demonstrated my much faster
patient-loading solution.'

- Oh, I say!
- Wheels deployed.

Wheels deployed there,
wheels deploy there.

Ouch! Annoyingly, that's
actually quite clever.

- This is a split folding... It's like a Range Rover Porsche.
- Exactly!

Don't sit it on it, you've already
broken one tailgate today.

'And my brilliant engineering
didn't stop there.'

I'm driving down a narrow street,

parked cars are on either
side, I can't get through.

- Clear!
- What?!

- What?
- It's a ram-bulance!

- Oh, I see, I thought it was a snowplough.
- My God, this is...

- Sheet steel, ten mil.
- OK.

- Heavy? - Very. - Hmm.
- That's why it folds back.

- Oh, what, cos it's lighter when it's folded back?
- No, no, no, no, b...

- Do you know nothing about weight distribution?
- 50-50 distribution.

- It's still weight!
- It's 50-50...

'As we discussed my handiwork,
a challenge arrived.'

"The Stig will now drive each
of your cars around the track,

"which, to make it more real, has
been fitted with three speed humps.

"You will be in the
back with a patient

"and, in the course of one lap, you
will put his intestines back in,

"insert a drip, and fit a catheter.

"Points will be awarded for speed

"and how much of the medical
work you complete successfully."

What? Is a catheter a thing
that goes up your old chap?

- Yes! ~ Up it?
- Yes. ~ Not on it? - No.

'Hammond elected to go first and,
once his patient had been loaded,

'a rather bemused Stig took
his place at the wheel.'

- Oh, he's not in a good way at all.
- He?!

- It's a girl. - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, no, or is it, though?

It's a girl from where I am.
Just have a look under there.

- Is that just a bit of...?
- Agh!

- There's a thing!
- It's a ladyboy!

Anyway, it's a medical emergency.

Get out of the way, I've
got to get on with this.

In three, two, one...

Go!

Oh-ho! Oh, that's... Yeah, ugh!
The wheels were a mistake!

I'm really sorry, mate, just try
and put your guts back in the...

Oh... er... Agh!

Airway - that's a priority!
That goes in here.

Agh! Now he's being sick on me!

I'm covered in... Agh!

Stop vomiting, you idiot!

This is the willy bit. You probably
can't see this on television.

This has to go in the end.

Ah! Now I'm covered in wee!

Speed...

- That would be deeply uncomfortable for Hammond.
- I would've thought so.

How do I get the blood
out of the bag?

- I'm tempted to move back.
- Do you know? I agree.

- Yeah.
- Cos it is Das Stig!

Stig!

There he is.

Across the line!

'The 2 minutes 17 lap
had taken its toll

'on both the Chevy's
brakes and Dr Hammond.'

Holy Moley! Look at the
state of him. What's that?

- Being an ambulance man is a tough job.
- What is that?!

- It's... it's wee.
- Is it yours? - No.

'Next, it was the turn of
Dr Slow's hearse-bulance.'

Three, two, one, go!

- Should I start the stopwatch now?
- Well, I mean, this is part of the...

Well, it's taking time.

- Is his seat fastened down?
- Yeah.

What he's done is take a length
of one of those stairlifts.

I think you may have
overdone it slightly

on closing the tailgate, Stig.

You get in and we'll fasten you in.

Your lap time is going
to be shocking, frankly.

- You haven't started the stopwatch?
- Yeah. - Course we have!

- I haven't set off yet! - You DID set off!
- Well, it's your call, isn't it?

Hurry up!

Go!

- He's gone!
- He's gone now.

- 9 minutes 30 to get to there.
- 9.30! - That's not brilliant.

Can you hear me, man, woman? No?
Right, breathing? Possibly not.

Putting...

'The hearse-bulance coped
brilliantly with the corners.'

That's his guts back in.

'But less well on the speed humps.'

Keep going!

He's going to make it!

Here he comes.

- Hammond, run for your life!
- I'm going to die! Killed by an ambulance!

Across the line!

'James wasn't best pleased
with his lap time.'

- 12 minutes and 28 seconds!
- Oh, get lost! - It was! - It was.

It's the slowest lap
in Top Gear's history.

'Finally, it was the
turn of the Porsche.

'And immediately, there
was a problem.'

- Good.
- He's kicked the patient.

Shut up!

'Eventually, though, the
ape was in position.'

Begin!

Is he focusing on
getting the drip in?

Or is he focusing on...?

Holy mother of God!

Ow! It hurts so much!

You maniac!

Ow! Stupid man!

Oh, God, what happens when
I go over a speed bump?!

I don't like this!

Here he comes.

I'm in a scene from Carrie!

I want Josh back from Casualty!

God!

And across the line!

Oh, dear!

'And then, to complete
my humiliation...'

2... 24.

- Rubbish! What, I was slower than the...?
- Yeah!

- You were 2.12 or something, weren't you?
- Yep.

- Did he slow down at all for the speed humps?
- Nope.

That's why we got air.

- Right, that's my drawback.
- Well, you can't... I mean, it's a Porsche!

You can't hit the sp... It
hasn't got the clearance!

- He ripped his bumper off.
- Speed bumps! 600,000 people a year

are killed in the back of
ambulances by speed humps.

- What you're doing is making that up.
- Yes, but making a point as well.

- I'm making it up to make a point.
- If it's one or more, it's an issue.

- Agreed!
- Go over it too fast, patient dies. - Yeah?

Slow down to make it comfortable,

patient dies cos they don't
reach the hospital in time.

Until this Government gets rid
of every single speed hump,

we're all going to die.

'For our next test, we had
to see which of our cars

'had the fastest patient
off-loading system.'

As I approach the A & E department,
I open the boot using electricity.

I then apply the handbrake,
hydraulic, the car swings round,

centrifugal force causes the patient
to leave the car, the ambulance,

on his stretcher, the wheels deploy,
and he rolls into the hospital.

I am then pointing
in the right direction

to go back out and
get another patient.

Somewhere, there's a world
in which that will work.

Ram-bulance 1 coming in hot.
Delivery system engaged!

Behold my genius.

- Not an enormous success.
- No, I could see where the thinking was going...

- Yeah.
- .. But the legs didn't deploy and the patient's dead.

- Goal-line technology, that is in.
- I'm going to give it a no,

- on the basis that he isn't IN the hospital.
- He is! - He's not! - He is!

- The hos...
- Even his foot's not in, he's not in.

Nobody will look at it and say, "Ooh,
that poor man's in hospital."

They'll say, "That poor man's
been dumped OUTSIDE a hospital."

'It was then my turn.'

Swing it round.

What is he doing?!

Similar sort of system,
only I'm using a cannon.

And, er, ready? Good, fire!

Pretty quick, I think you'll agree.

- What? - What the hell was that?!
- I'm not entirely certain

- you've delivered the patient to the hospital.
- Well, I have!

Or that the patient is still...
What's the word I'm looking for?

- ...alive! - That's the one.
- Ooh! Oh, dear!

It was an air cannon.

Oh, and the door didn't
open properly.

'Given how low the
bar had been set...'

I think it was a good idea.

'.. I was confident
that I'd win this.'

- James, what exactly are we looking at?
- This is a robot lawnmower.

- Is it?
- I've laid out pieces of string.

It knows where those are, so it mows
only inside this big rectangle.

So then I thought, you know the
really big farm lawnmowers?

- You mean combines?
- Yeah, whatever, those work off satnav.

The satnav knows where it is, and
that's the technology I've used.

'We watched eagerly as James lined
up to demonstrate his invention.'

Oh, God!

Right.

Now all I do is, using my special
programmer, I have the coordinates

for the operating theatre at
this hospital already entered.

Now watch.

- Stand clear.
- What? So you uploaded

the schematics to your PDA of
the hospital, like Jack Bauer?

What does that mean?

Arrived at the operating theatre.

- Does it?
- Yes.

- In some ways, I'm very impressed with what he's done.
- Yeah.

But in one colossal way...

...I'm not sure that
it's worked at all.

I know what that way is,
and I think you're right.

It is a disadvantage of the
system. It's a problem.

James, would you like to
know what the massive...

- What?
- If you insist there's something wrong with it...

Yeah. Maybe your patient
changed his mind.

Thank you so much, everybody.
Now, we'll pick that up...

We'll pick that up later on.

Uh, but now, it is time to put a
Star in our Reasonably Priced Car.

My guest tonight is a Formula One
driver who is always smiling.

But he says that, behind
the cuddly exterior,

he's actually a bit
of a honey badger.

A ferocious animal

that fights its opponents
by going for their...

crotch areas.

Er... so, ladies and gentlemen,

please put your hands over your
genitals for Daniel Ricciardo!

Hey!

- G'day. - How are you?
- I'm all right.

Yes!

People love it when
an F1 driver comes.

It was weird, we were in Australia
last week in the Northern Territory,

saw no Australians at all,
and now there's one here!

- Yeah, I know.
- But then, you're ALL over here, actually,

if we're honest, aren't you?

Well, not by choice.

I can feel the warmth
you're generating now.

No, um, what I wanted to do is,

obviously, when you started at
Red Bull last year, did you think,

and I know a lot of people did,

that you'd be the cheerful
Aussie playing second fiddle

to the four-times world
champion Sebastian Vettel?

- No.
- You didn't?

So you actually thought, from the
get-go, "I'm going to have him"?

I believed I'd have
him. But, er... yeah.

Until I got on track, and had
everything like for like,

I wasn't obviously sure how it
would go, but coming into it,

I didn't expect to be, you know,
the guy following him every weekend.

You know, I obviously came
in with some self belief

and then I think that sort of showed
and then confidence grew after that.

There were 19 races last year
and you beat him in how many?

- I don't know, er...
- I do.

How many was it?

- 14 of them. - 14?
- Don't pretend you didn't know!

No, I-I didn't really, actually.

I knew it was more, like
I knew I had more than him.

You out-qualified him in...

- You going to pretend you don't know that as well?
- Wait, this one's...

12-7?

- 11-8! - 11-8.
- But you really... you're not keeping that in your head?

I would be! I'd ring him up
every morning and go, "11-8!"

He changed his number!

Has he?

I think one of the reasons we
were all surprised, I think,

when you first started and
were immediately brilliant

in the Red Bull, is that you just
don't look particularly ruthless.

I mean, you're always smiling.

The photographs we've been...
I've looked through to see

if I could find one of
you not smiling, ever.

Have a look at this, OK, because
this is winning in Canada.

- That's a huge beam, yes?
- Yeah.

And this is after you've been
disqualified in Australia.

And then we've got another
photograph of you having some

- kind of blood test with a horrible injection.
- Oh, yeah! - Here we are.

Still!

You know what, it looks like a smile,
but that's pain right there.

- Is it? - That's... Yeah!
- So you smile when you're in agony?

Maybe if we see the lap later,
there might be some, er, er...

some different emotions, cos it was
an open-face helmet in the Suzuki...

We'll see if we can catch a moment
when you're not smiling.

- Yeah.
- But that is later on. Now, obviously, testing is happening.

- Now, in fact... - Yeah.
- .. As we speak.

- Yeah.
- In fact, how come you're not there?

- Top Gear's way more important.
- Really? - Yeah. - Oh, we're honoured!

- I hate testing. I can't stand it.
- Really?

- Uh, no, I wouldn't say I hate it, but...
- Oh, no, you see.

The PR machine's come
off the rails now!

How's it going? Cos we've got some
Formula One fans here, inevitably,

and they'll want to
know. How's it going?

- Are you going to be as fast as the Mercs?
- Um, it's still very early.

I mean, we are still finding our way.

But, er, we've still got eight
more days in Barcelona after this.

- So, come Melbourne, we'll be right.
- Is anybody else... It's only fair.

There's a lot of Formula One fans.
Anyone got any questions they'd like

to ask Daniel while he's here and
we're talking about Formula One?

What does the back of
Lewis's car look like?

Can you see that?

Anyone else got another question?

Who's better, you or Webber?

I don't know.

Actually, let's... We'll find out.

- I believe he's... 1.43.1, so..
- He is on the board. Cos this is

the only time ever when Formula
One drivers get to actually drive

- the same machine.
- Same equipment, different day, one could argue.

- The pressure is on, if I'm honest...
- I know.

- ...today, particularly...
- My heart rate's going up.

Yeah, well, I mean, so's mine,
because I actually said,

early last year, I actually
sent a tweet out

saying I thought you were the
best driver on the F1 grid.

Knuckles. Thanks.

It's my way of saying thank you.

Oh, I see, it's thank you.
I thought you'd hit me. Um...

And people who know what they're
talking about as well said it.

Alonso said... What did he call you?
He said you were "unbelievable".

You know, so we have had this
sort of, "How good is Daniel?"

And this is your opportunity to come

and actually show everybody, in
the same car they've all driven.

And the weather today was...

- It was good. - Yeah!
- Like, that's a thing - I don't have excuses!

No, it was cold and bright

and about as perfect as
it could be for a car.

So who would like to see
what is, let's be honest,

an extremely important lap?

Yes!

Play the tape, let's have a look.

Come on, let's do this!

Obviously, you're back in the
old car, the Suzuki Liana.

Nice to see it back.

Race face on! Grr!

That is! It's like a honey badger!

I'm guessing, will you go...? No,
weirdly, you're not on the wide line

- taken by most of the Formula One drivers.
- Taking it tight.

- Taking it tight.
- You are.

Just saving distance.

Not there, you're not.

Chicks'll go crazy for this!

- OK, this is it.
- Bit of understeer.

- Little bit, but managed nicely.
- Kept it tight!

Come on! Let's go!

- Whoa! All sorts of hand gestures.
- Getting racy!

- Hammerhead.
- Keeping it in the lines, ooh...

- Oh!
- Yeah, now get it all lined up ready for a smooth, quick...

Why am I telling you what you're
doing? You know what you're doing!

Come on!

Grr.

Are you suggesting this
isn't fast enough?

- Look at it! Using the red and whites.
- This line's good.

This is... this is racy.

- Oh, that's keeping it comfy!
- Yeah. - Keeping it comfy.

- Ooh, look at that, lift-off oversteer!
- Yeah!

Something our other guests should
use. Lift-off oversteering there.

- Ooh, that was...
- Then just fling it in and there we are across the line!

- I'm actually nervous.
- Go on, then, where do you think you've come?

These are effectively drive times,
Jenson, 144.144, 144, 144, so

we're up to Lewis, then came along,
on his second attempt, and did...

let's be honest, a fairly
unbeatable 142.9.

- Whoa.
- Cos that's... What is he? Quicker...

- Mark's second, so he's 0.2 seconds off.
- The anticipation's killing me.

And then, we're right
down to Seb at 144.

Should I just go lower or...?

I don't know, I... The gap between
Webber and Vettel scares me.

Like that's a big gap,
so I'm wondering

- if they had good track conditions.
- That's 0.9 of a second.

- Did I have that?
- A load of space to get you and your smile in there.

Just do it slowly!

Lewis, 142.9...

Do it slow, like one
number by one number.

OK, I don't want... If I
lost, I want to lose slowly.

Start with a one at least.

- One...
- Come on!

...50...

Oh, no, come on.

I'm just teasing you.

Sorry, I'm letting you down
gently, is what I'm doing.

- One...
- Ugh, do it slow, do it slow.

- ...forty...
- Ugh... Please say two.

- Come on. - .. Two.
- Yeah!

My hair's standing on end,
cos it's another two.

I mean, seriously, a 142.2.

Staggering, absolutely staggering.

How'd you do that?
How did you do that?

That's the fastest anybody's
ever gone round our track.

I feel better.

In any of our reasonably priced cars.

It'll be fun next year

when you get back on the
circuit with that time.

That is genuinely remarkable.

I'm staggered because I...
Lewis has hung himself.

Oh, and by the way, matey
boy, you want to...?

In the same car, it turns out that

the Aussie has just beaten the Brit,
it's the Ashes all over again.

This is how I felt after Canada.
I didn't know what to say.

So we've actually made a man happier
than winning a grand prix.

Ladies and gentlemen, he's
done it! Daniel Ricciardo!

Just... I'm really, that's...
I never thought...

You know that wasn't
a fluke, don't you?

You know he did three laps exactly
the same time? Three times.

- That's why he's... you know.
- Yeah, yeah.

Now, tonight, we have made three
ambulances, and to be honest,

there have been a few niggles
and minor teething troubles.

Yeah. For example, not one of them

has yet delivered a patient
to a hospital alive.

No. Nevertheless,

the producer said we had to go off

and build a Thunderbirds-style
International Rescue facility

where we would be on hand with
our ambulances 24 hours a day,

ready to respond at
a moment's notice.

This is it.

And inside the command module,

we were waiting for
our first emergency.

Have you heard about this.

Jewish volunteer ambulance
service called Hatzolah?

No.

No, honestly, I'm not joking, it's
unbelievable. The NHS response time

in Britain for a life-threatening
situation is eight minutes.

- They get there in New York.
- In New York, which is busy -

in four minutes.

- That's from the call?
- That's from the call.

Four minutes later, they're there.

There's 1,000 of them in New York,
OK, and they're normal people,

they're builders, teachers,
whatever - they're trained.

And they keep with them in
their cars, at all times,

- defibrillators, medicine.
- All the things you need.

It's a brilliant idea. And
we should be aiming for

these response times.

- It takes me two minutes to shut the back door!
- He has a point.

Oh, gentlemen, incoming message.

What a remarkable printer.

"A meteorite has landed
on the town of Theale.

"There are many casualties.

"Points will be awarded
for whichever one of you

"gets one of those casualties to
the hospital in the quickest time."

This is it. International Rescue has
been summoned, Thunderbirds are go!

I'm power-sliding in an ambulance!

Coming through.

Yeah!

Dig down, Cosworth power.

'Naturally, we soon
encountered heavy traffic,

'but we were ready for that.'

Engaging siren.

Come on, go!

Can you not see I'm an ambulance?

Yeah, Stayin' Alive, it's
reassuring for the patient...

but it doesn't really say
"siren" to other road users.

Get out of the way, you
normal ambulance! Come on!

'My siren, like my ambulance,

'was designed to scare
people out of the way.'

'Annoyingly, though,
it didn't really work.'

He's not scared at all.

'If Hammond's siren wasn't working,
James's didn't have a prayer.'

I know it's slightly annoying,

but could you be an
awfully good sport

and move out of the way of
the ambulance? Thank you.

'When we arrived in Theale,
we split up to look

'for the meteorite crash site.'

Oh, God, the place is a mess!

Look at the damn... Oh,
no, this isn't the site,

is it? This is just... Theale.

We've got everything we need.
Blood, oxygen, Nurofen.

Hydraulic handbrake, very
important in a ram-bulance.

The Hatzolah ambulance service
will be watching this

with their mouths... agog!

Four minutes call-out time, Hatzolah
are the people to beat.

Yeah, temporarily lost.

Has anybody seen a meteorite?
I mean, it can't be...

I can't see anything that's
been damaged by a meteorite.

This is getting irritating!

40 minutes later, two of us arrived.

'Relax, people, I'M here.'

Oh, my God. Look at this.

Yeah, we got a lot
of casualties here.

Where is this site? Come on!

Oh, hello, brakes are getting spongy.

Still hot.

- Jeremy... - What?
- This is absolutely amazing.

It is, none of the girls
are wearing underwear.

- Oh, here comes Hammond.
- About time.

Do you just have the fire brigade
following you around...

- as a matter of course?
- Oh, yeah, it does do that.

I didn't think it was going
to be a real meteorite strike.

- I mean, that's... - No, it is.
- .. Actually happened.

Go on, then.

"Each of the casualties is fitted
with a timer showing how long

"they have before they die.

"This lets you know how long you have

"before they must reach
the hospital. However..."

"However, each time they
are jolted or bashed,

"the timer will jump
forwards ten seconds."

- How long's on the timers?
- Well, I don't know.

I presume depending on
how wounded they are.

Oh, so it'll be different.

So we've got to choose one with
the longest amount of time.

- Yeah, exactly. Right.
- The race starts in three, two, one - now!

Right. I'm just going to get in.

30 seconds, waste of time.

Two minutes. Mate, I'm sorry.

He's got ten minutes. I'm having him.

Eight minutes 55. It's you, it's you.

You're in good shape, my
man. I can look after you.

There you go, sir.

'With the patients
carefully loaded...'

Get in!

'..Richard and I were on our way.'

May have collected a cone
or two there, sorry.

We've never lost a patient
from Theale on my watch,

sure as hell not going
to lose one now!

'The roads to the
state-of-the-art hospital on the

'other side of town were littered
with abandoned cars.

'But Hammond and I had decided
to get there as fast as possible,

'even if it meant incurring
a few ten-second penalties.'

Don't you worry, sir,

you just hang on tight.

Here we go. Rams deployed.

The thing is, mate, you
get a ten-second penalty

for every single little knock.

So you may as well have big knocks.

Unsurprisingly, James had decided to
adopt a policy of no knocks at all.

Hello, and welcome
aboard the ecnalubma.

Your recovery is our first priority.

We realise that you have
a choice of ambulances,

and this is indeed the best one.

The patient is really
annoying me now.

Oh, no, he's broken free!

Whoa! Dukes Of Hazzard, there it is!

Oh, I'm sorry, that's probably
ten seconds off your life.

Meanwhile, in the next street...

...James had encountered
a Peugeot driver.

Sorry to disturb you, gentleman
in the silver Peugeot,

but this is an ambulance
and this is an emergency.

It really is a matter of
great importance that you

make way for the
ambulance, thank you.

Move, man!

Whoops-a-daisy.

No. Oh...

I've been reasonably polite
about this so far,

- I would like you to get out of the.
- Way.

Thanks to our exuberant driving,

my patient and Hammond's
had lost a lot of life.

So we decided to go even faster.

We're on our way to hospital.

Ramming!

I think my man is suffering.
Reassuring tunes coming up.

'Following my encounter
with the infernal Peugeot,

'I'd also thrown caution
to the wind.'

Hang on, fellow, we're
making up the lost time.

Shortcut.

Watch this.

Cock.

Cocking Nora.

Well, I've lost a
few seconds in that.

Oh, no, I've got a Porsche
ambulance behind me.

Hammond, get out of my way!

I'm coming through
in a Porsche Turbo!

Brakes are definitely fading.

This is the trouble with the
privatised ambulance service

that we have created here.

It's a race, really.

Beautifully controlled...

Patient rested.

Hammond, move, move, move!

Right, nitrous.

He's gone, he's gone, and
he's gone badly wrong.

Hammond has stuffed it!

Nearly there, sorry about
the noise, you'll be fine!

Sorry. They couldn't get
a lot done in ten seconds.

We're getting near the hospital
now. Stay with me, stay with me!

Oh, yes. First at the hospital.

That is a victory.

Damn it, May is already there!

But my patient is still alive, OK.

Ready, boot opening.

Patient-delivery system
engaged. Here we go!

I give you one alive patient,
delivered to a hospital.

- Ahem.
- Where is yours?

Oh, he's, um... he got better.

- Did he? - Yeah.
- Did he?

I did say, did I not, at
the beginning of this item,

"The process of recovery begins
in the club class ambulance."

- And in fact, it works.
- James, where is he?

- In the pub, I imagine.
- He can't be in the pub,

he was wounded, he was dying,
got ten minutes to live!

Right, down here.

This looks good.

Ah, wait a minute, here he comes.

And now - coup de grace.

Patient to hospital.

Hammond, you blithering idiot!

Thank you.

Well, there we are. Despite
Hammond's catastrophic failure

at the end there,

I think there were a number of very
important points made in that film.

But now we must work out
which of our ambulances

- was the best.
- Absolutely, and over here we have the scoreboard.

And we start with the drag race.
Now, Jeremy, you won that.

- I did.
- So you get 10 points. Uh, I came second, I get 5.

Richard Hammond, you were last,
and for that you get nought.

Yep, OK, fair enough. Then
we move on to lap times.

Now, remember, you get a point
for every second your ambulance

got round the track driven by
the Stig in under three minutes.

I get 43 points, there we go.

- Jeremy, you did it in... - 2.24.
- So you get, uh, it's 36.

- 36 points.
- Yeah. And now, James, um...

Yours works out, I'm afraid,
at minus 568 there.

- Rubbish!
- No, I'm afraid your tailgate

coming down, that let you down badly.

All right, never mind. Let's
move on - medical procedures.

Now, uh, I performed two of those,

you get 7 points for each
one, so I got 14 points.

Richard Hammond, you actually
performed three,

so you get 21 points.

Uh, no, hang on a minute.

I did four, because I did the
intestines, the catheter,

the drip and I did the airway.

Yeah, but you weren't
asked to do the airway.

- Yes, but I did it.
- You could've done a breast enlargement,

it wouldn't have made any
difference to your points.

You were asked to do three
things, you did them,

- stop moaning. What did I get?
- Yeah, well, this is the interesting thing,

- because you, I'm afraid, got nought.
- Oh, that's cos

I was rather transfixed
by my patient's... thing.

No, I was. I went round one corner,
it nearly went in my mouth.

Yes.

That would've been bad.

Let's move on to value.

- Uh, Richard Hammond, yours was the most expensive.
- It was.

- Can you believe it?
- I know. Well...

Difficult, but, uh, you get nought.

Uh, Jeremy Clarkson, yours was very
slightly cheaper, so you get 5.

Mine was very much cheaper,
at just £1,800, I get 10.

- 10 points there.
- OK, moving on. Now, sirens.

- Mine, uh, was rubbish, really, I'll confess.
- It was.

- It was. So I get nought there.
- It was childish and rubbish.

Jeremy, yours didn't
work either, did it?

It didn't. Wasn't childish,
it just didn't work.

It was rubbish.

James, you get minus
461 for that one.

How do you work that out?

Well, because not only
was your siren inaudible,

but it doesn't actually
say "ambulance"

- on the front of your ambulance.
- Yes, it does! - It doesn't.

Look, you've written
the word backwards,

but you've got the letters
the right way around still.

Yes, I know, but the
shop where I went

didn't have back-to-front
ambulance lettering.

Yes, yes, and as a result of that,

- you are now on exactly minus 1,000.
- Yes, you are.

That's absolutely remarkable.

That's incredible. Incredible
maths, but there we are.

It doesn't matter, I'm going
to claw something back here.

The race to the hospital.

Yeah, you are. Because
you came first.

For that, you get 10 points.

- Jeremy, you came second, so it's 5 points for you.
- Yes.

And I came stone dead last, so I get
no points on that particular one.

Oh, now look, here we are.

James is back to... yeah, minus 990.

He's catching up. Right,
delivery systems.

Now, mine didn't really work, did it?

No, well, your door didn't work
one time, and you fired a man

through a window the second
time, so that's definitely no.

Yeah, that did happen.

James, you didn't actually
have a patient to deliver.

- No, you didn't.
- So I'm afraid you get minus 10 for that.

Oh, no. All gone wrong.

Yeah, Jeremy, yours did work.

It did, so you get 5 points. Right.

So hang on a minute, hang on, hang
on, hang on... this is close.

Not with you, obviously,
James, but Hammond and I,

I'm only now... I'm only
three points behind you.

And we arrive at this bit.

OK, this is the condition of
the patient when he arrived...

Well, I say "he", the
"she", whatever it was.

- ...arrived at the hospital.
- Yeah.

So, ahem, here we go. James May...

- Yes.
- Your patient condition was...

Missing.

Yes. Presumed dead.

- Yeah, dead.
- So you score...

- Uh, nought.
- Right, nought.

- The condition of Hammond's patient?
- Dead.

- Right, so he scores...
- Nought.

Ahem, and the condition
of my patient?

Your patient, Jeremy, was alive.

- And so I score...?
- One.

- What do you mean, one?
- It's nought for dead, one for alive.

I was the only one of the three of us

who got a patient to a hospital
alive, and that matters!

Yes, and that's why
you got that point.

So you're saying that because
I only get one point,

I'm... That means I now lose to you,

even though your van
was slow, expensive,

its brakes caught fire
every time you tried to

slow down, and it killed everybody
who got into the back of it.

Yep.

And the only reason you won
is because you happened to be

good at putting a tube
in a ladyboy's sausage.

- Yep.
- Which means that you, Richard Hammond,

have single handedly ruined
the National Health Service.

Yep.

And on that bombshell,
it's time to end.

Thank you so much for watching.
See you again next week.

Good night.