Original subtitles

I'm sorry for shooting you with the BB gun. The BB gun? The water gun? What

didn't you shoot me with? I swear to God you would have dunked me if I was in

the tank instead of that silly little clown.

I didn't know there were really rounds in there.

No. Yeah, you are. I mean, stop laughing. I'm sorry. I got scared at the

my head. You're a baby. I am not a baby. I am sensitive, and women like

sensitive men. Mm -mm. Mm -hmm. I mean, who would have thought a girl like you

and a guy like me would be hanging out after we both ordered a, what, double

blended soy mocha cappuccino?

Lucky coincidence. It's not a coincidence. It's a kismet. A what?

A kismet.

It's like meant to be or something. Whatever.

This is heavy.

This is heavy.

Yeah. You don't like pandas?

No, it's just heavy. But you like heavy.

Like, actually, I didn't think that I'd meet a guy ordering a coffee, and then

20 minutes later, I'm going to the fair with him.

You know? I mean... It's cool. I'm just... What wasn't cool was that deep

candy bar. I'm sorry.

Oh, my God. Yeah, that was a good idea in theory.

But in all actuality, it tasted like that. It was bad.

But I just...

Uh, yeah.

I'm sorry.

Anyway, the panda and I, we're just, we're bummed that the evening's coming

an end. Seriously, look at him. He's bummed.

Well, it doesn't have to.

I still got tickets for one more ride.

What ride do you want to go on? Do you want to go on a ride?

Come here.

You didn't want to? Yep. Come on. That was cute. Seriously, in my hat.

You need to let go of my, there we go.

Hey. Yeah.

You gotta be this tall.

Tall. And ride this ride.

Is that right?

Are you ready?

I hope so.

Yeah?

That's your bedroom.

Good boy.

We like that. Come here.

Put that down.

Yes, ma 'am.

Nope, they don't.

Oh, I see.

Bite it.

Bite it.

Oh, God.

Shut up and let me see.

Give it to me

I love you.

Oh god.

Mmm.

What was that?

Go back to bed.

It was nothing.

Eyes closed.

Okay. I don't want you to worry about a thing today.

Hello? Hello, Ms. Branson. I was just wondering if you were going to create

with your presence here today at work.

I do. I do. I do. My alarm clock didn't go off. Your alarm clock.

Funny, last week your grandmother died. The week before that, your dog got run

over. But... Yes, you know what? You're fired.

Good morning, beautiful.

Thank you.

Okay,

well, I can see that you're awake and looking gorgeous as ever. I thought this

morning we can go get one of our favorite double mocha soy crab egg out.

Did that motherfucker right there, right there, did that go off?

Did that alarm clock go the fuck off? Of course it went off. My girl was so

beautiful sleeping, I thought I missed you. Okay, well, you can take all that

beauty right there. You better get the fuck out of my house. I know you don't.

We had a moment.

Where the fuck is my gun right now? Gun? You don't want a gun. Get the fuck out

of my face.

Motherfucker. You better get out of here. Mandy, Mandy, Mandy.

You're harsh on my Mella.

It's Brandy. Okay, Brandy. Hey, don't hit. No, no. Not our buddy. Not our

He's cool.

Let's go check it out. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, my God. What happened?

I got fired.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, sweetie. Aw.

That's like the third time this month.

Aw. It'll be okay.

You know what you need?

You need, like, more than a job. You need a career like me. Yeah.

Secretary. Uh -uh.

I am the AA to the VP.

And that's the administrative assistant to the vice president.

You get coffee and you make copies.

They do way more than that.

Yeah, she does way, way more than that.

Yeah?

Could you please come in for some dictation? Yeah, boss, right away.

Yes, sir.

Have a seat. Take some dictation, please.

Dear board members,

it's come to my attention that certain members of this organization do not feel

that the proper course is the one I've outlined.

So I've decided to pursue my stock option, to buy out the existing shares,

and to conduct a hostile takeover.

My decision to do this has not only been prompted by the situation

in the boardroom last week, but also

by the confusion about last month's

inventory.

What was that?

The last month's inventory.

It has also come to my attention that the quarterly adjustments should

be taken in full context and not individually as

outlined by policies and procedures.

Furthermore... Uh -huh.

I would like to conclude.

Okay.

Oh, yeah. Give it.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Huh?

Huh?

Oh, shit.

Fuck. Oh,

my.

Thank you.

Baby, you wouldn't even have a job if you weren't screwing.

I am climbing the corporate ladder.

You could be banging the box, too, if you were just more motivated.

That's true, Brandy.

Yeah. And plus, corporate goals aside, he loves me, and he's going to marry me.

Um, one, he doesn't know your last name.

And, uh, two, yeah, I'm pretty sure he's already married.

That's true, Bambi.

Why do you guys have to be so negative?

Okay.

He made you take candy and flowers to his wife on Valentine's Day.

Yeah, but if she hadn't been there, they would have totally been mine.

That's true, Brandy.

Wait, I have an idea. What?

Mr. Hendricks' secretary just totally got fired. She was stealing, like, pens

and secrets and shit.

Oh, my gosh. I could totally call human resources. I could hook you up.

Yeah. You mean a secretary, like you.

Yeah.

It'll be so much fun. We'll dress the same and we can have lunches together.

And you can carpool. We can carpool.

It'll be so much fun. I guess it sounds okay. We are not dressing the same

though. But it is better than nothing.

I mean.

It'll be fun.

I promise.

Okay, Ms. Branson.

Call me Brandy.

Right. Ms. Branson, I need you to make 50 copies of these, collate them, staple

them, sort them, bring them into the boardroom.

The meeting starts within five minutes, so I need these for all the employees in

the boardroom. Okay.

Do you understand?

I can do it.

I'm the copy queen.

Copies, copies, copies.

You can count on me.

I'm spoiling my sleep.

It's all right. It's all right.

Oh, my quality.

Okay. Okay, that works. Good.

Thank you. All right.

All day long. Tell me to do whatever.

I already know.

All day long.

I can fix this.

Okay.

Okay.

All right. No.

It ain't gonna work.

Come on.

Come on. All right, baby.

Work with mama. Work with mama. Don't do this to me. All right.

Come out of there.

It's not so bad, sweetie.

Come on. No.

Where's my cranky pants?

Hey, it could have happened to anybody.

But it didn't. It happened to me.

Yeah.

Well, but look on the bright side.

They're not going to sue you.

Maybe I'm not cut out for the work force.

Bull crap. We all have something to offer the world to make it a better

That's why I'm a home health care nurse's assistant professional.

I feel good making people feel good.

Brandy, that totally sounds like you.

Uh -huh.

What do you even do?

Well... I work for a bedridden, hungry billionaire with fibromyalgia.

Fibromyal -what?

It's medical, for it hurts all over.

I'm responsible for feeding him, bathing him, and putting him through treatment

of aggressive physical therapy.

I miss world.

Good morning, sir.

How are you feeling today?

I'm a little achy.

Oh.

Where does it hurt the most?

Everywhere, but especially concentrated around

here.

Again? Oh.

Maybe I should have a look.

They are looking a little bluish.

Hmm.

I think I know what you mean.

That.

That's it. All the way down. That's it.

That's it.

That's it.

Oh, my God.

That's it.

Yes.

Fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, look at you. Oh, fuck, you did it well.

That's it.

All the way.

All the way. That's it.

Fuck me!

I'm afraid. Set them free.

Oh, that's it. Fucking squeeze. Fucking contract. Oh, my God.

Fucking, fucking.

That's it. That's it. Yeah, give me that look.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, from those eyebrows.

There we go.

Just like that. Just like that. Fucking.

Oh, God, dear.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Look at that.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yes,

yes.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah? Yeah. Do you like it?

Yeah? Make you feel better?

I do.

Yeah? Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Hello.

All right.

Um, don't I need some type of training, or... Yeah, but you could have

downloaded certification off the internet.

I have a computer!

Whatever.

I mean, I guess working for a hunky billionaire wouldn't be so bad.

Dr. Forrest, dial 118, please. Dr. Forrest?

Please dial 118. Hi, Mr. Johnson. How are you feeling?

I'm dying here. That's how I'm feeling. I'm burning. I'm

hotter than a whore in church.

Well, let me put it to you in terms you can understand.

I'm sweating balls here.

Okay. You are a little warm. Let's take your temperature, okay?

Sweet cheeks. Okay.

Okay. Are you ready?

Watch the hemorrhoid!

Mr. Johnson!

I'm sorry, okay? Sometimes things slip out. I hope it wasn't wet.

We're gonna try this one.

Yeah. Let me see if I remember this. I know what I'm doing. All right. Geez,

not a rookie. All right.

I bet tax audits that were quicker than this, for Christ's sake.

Sometimes I need...

That wasn't good.

It's so you.

A singing telegram?

Yes. Can you just imagine?

Mr.

President, happy birthday to

you.

Bambi, from the moment I met you, I knew that I should give Jackie the sacking

and marry you.

Well, if it's for the good of the country.

Remember, ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your

president's penis.

Hello, hello.

Back to me here. Back to me. But can you imagine?

Hmm.

You Billy?

Yeah, I'm Billy.

Yeah, this is for you.

This is a message from your girlfriend Hannah. A special delivery from a

banana. I think it's best that you heard it this way.

You're the reason that I've gone gay.

Please don't make me out to be the villain. P .S. You might want to get a

of...

She's breaking up with me?

Yeah. Not only that, but she's apparently giving up her weekly visits

free clinic. Oh, because of your cheating ways.

Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no.

Hannah is my life.

She's everything to me. She's the air I breathe, the ground I walk on. She's the

nice, thick foam on the top of my beer.

Okay. All right. Sorry to hear all that.

I'm sure you'll bounce back.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Well, maybe you and me, we could go out. Oh.

Shut the door.

Shut the door. I got five more things to do. Okay? Thank you.

Bye -bye.

I'll take care of the baby.

Oh,

oh, oh, hell no. Uh -uh. There has got to be something here that I can do.

Well, I knew this guy that was a human guinea pig for your It Body style. Oh,

God. I love that stuff. It drives me wild.

Or drive your Wilder before it went on the market.

He made good money as a test subject.

Plus benefit.

Like health insurance or a 401K?

Not quite.

Hmm.

Wait, wait.

First of all, Alice, I would just like to say thank you on behalf of... people

here at URA's body spray for you volunteering to be our test subject

First of all, what I'm going to do is spray you with a solution of highly

concentrated dose of yak pheromone.

Okay, I'm going to spray you with a light mist, and basically we want to see

female subject's reaction to you after.

Is that okay?

Sure. Okay.

Now, we are going to monitor the entire thing.

on closed -circuit TV.

And should anything go wrong, all you have to do is say... Is there something

that could go wrong?

Oh, no, no. We don't foresee any problems. It's just a safety -first, you

kind of thing.

So, if by chance anything should go wrong, and once again, we don't foresee

happening, you have a safe word. All you have to do is say Yaka -Zaka -Saraline,

and we will come in, we will stop the experiment right away, and everything

be fine. So, let's get you sprayed down. Hold on just one moment.

How's that feel?

It's okay.

Doesn't burn?

No. Oh, good.

Okay, good, good. Why don't you come over here, and ladies, this is Alex.

Hi. Hi.

There.

A little face, please.

Alex, good luck.

Where's the cute guy at?

Right here.

It smells kind of good.

Thank you. What is that you're wearing?

My favorite shirt.

No, it's Mel.

Yes.

Yak. Yak juice.

Juice?

It smells really good.

Thank you. It looks really good too.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, I want to do that too.

I want you to click my finger, too. Oh, you know, I'm kind of wanting to get to

know you a little bit better before we get that close.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Pleasure meeting you.

It's really nice getting to know you.

It's really nice getting to know you.

You like that?

Yeah. You want me to slow it down a little bit?

I'm going to open the door. Doctor.

Dazoo.

Rocker. Freaker. I'm a freak of the year.

Do you like that? Yes. Do you like that?

I love it.

He's going to haul off.

Oh.

Oh.

Me.

Do you like it? Yeah. Do you like

it? Yeah.

Yes.

Fuck me or that.

You read what she wants. You want your coffee.

Oh my God.

um um

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah.

Do you want to see her clean?

You could totally change the way America consumes.

Well, I do like new products and I love getting paid.

And I enjoyed me some group sex from time to time.

Oh, yeah.

Uh -huh.

Okay.

Sure.

Why not?

Okay,

Brandy, first of all, I would really like to thank you for coming down to the

testing labs and testing our new Serenity Spray. It's a big help to us.

Sure. Today we'll be testing a new stress relief spray.

It's made up of rose petals, bee venom, and poison ivy. It should be very

soothing to the skin.

Now, what I'm going to do is I'm going to spray a little bit. Any goggles?

Oh, no, no. It won't be necessary. It won't be getting in your eyes.

Once I spray this on you, you probably will feel a warm sense of calmness just

wash over you. It'll be like a day at the beach.

Or possibly to a sense of, like, euphoria. And that's okay. Okay?

All right.

Let's get this started. We'll just get you a little spray here.

Okay.

I have a few things I need to read to you. First of all, we here at the

lab strive that your comfort be a number one priority.

If by chance you feel any discomfort... It's like acid!

What did you do to me?

Problem, your safety word today shall be... Brandy?

Brandy?

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

How do I look?

Um, it's not that bad.

No?

It's not that bad?

Okay.

Good. Ow!

The bummer is you signed your rights away. You can't sue.

You could have been set for life.

On the bright side, at least you can open your eyes again.

Yeah, yeah, I can.

Oh, oh! I...

Perfect job for you. My friend was an extra on a soap opera.

Oh, my God. Which one?

The Beautiful and the Beautifler. Oh, my God. I love that one. Did you see the

reason? Excuse me. Excuse me.

Swollen bitch here. Can we focus?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Anyway, she totally hooked up with Todd Dillenhoff and became his arm candy on

the red carpet and celebrity poker tournaments and paparazzi car chases and

stuff. You should totally do that.

Yeah. Who knows? You could become a star.

Fuck a star.

Yeah. I could fuck a star. You could. I could. I could fuck a star.

Yeah.

Damn it. As your friend and doctor, I vie strongly against it.

You don't think I know that I have the rare disease tickle -sick -nosis and

it only affects one in 90 million?

And I happen to be that one?

Look, I know my odds are that I'm going to die.

But if I still have a chance... then I still have a choice.

And I choose white.

Can I take your order?

Yeah.

Bring me a cup of life.

Bye!

That was awesome.

That was awesome. That was absolutely terrific, people.

Anyways, people, this set is a wrap.

You could say, but, you know. Come on, let's get going.

I just wanted to tell you how amazing you were. I mean, if you hadn't fed me

that perfect are -you -ready -to -order line, I would have never been able to

follow up with my cup of lifeline. Oh, no, no, no. You're amazing.

Would you like to go back to my trailer and talk about how amazing we are?

You're tattooing us?

Yes, I am.

Oh, my God.

Yes, it's quite nice. It serves its purpose.

Wow, I can't believe... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, my God.

Take it easy. I'm really here. You're tied, Dylan. Yes, yes, I am. I get this

reaction quite a bit, actually.

Listen, I wanted to compliment you on that delivery you did earlier.

Really? The moment I saw you, I said, that girl has potential.

I could... I can be a star.

I can't. I can't. Well, I don't know about being a star, but you definitely

potential. I was thinking maybe we can do a little rehearsal, a little ad -lib,

as they say in the business.

Okay, okay, okay.

You could pretend to be the star -struck fan who's trying to seduce the

star. I can do that. I can do that. Can you do that? Yeah, I can do that.

Wait, wait, wait.

Oh.

No.

Whoa, whoa.

That's all good.

One more time. I can do it. No, no, no. That was good. That was good. But you

seemed a little tense.

Something's holding it back.

Maybe, no, maybe if you lost your shirt, release some tension.

You wouldn't feel so constricted.

Um, okay.

Yeah. You know, you have to do things in the movie business to, uh... I'm

nervous. It's okay. Nervous is good. Use it. Use it.

I've never been with a movie star before.

Hey. I can't get this button. It's privilege.

Your button?

There you go. Wow.

How does that feel?

Feel like you can breathe better now?

Feel good?

Yeah. Okay.

Now, what would you say to a star in order to do that?

Um, wow.

Wow?

You're a talk demon.

Yes,

I am.

I'm going to rock your world.

Amen.

S -O.

Fuck.

Oh shit.

Thank you.

Bye now.

Oh, yeah.

So Bump or Star is so me?

Sure. Yeah.

But you might want to wait for your face to clear up first.

Yeah, I forgot about that.

Not really, guys.

Does it really look that bad? How?

Well, you know, like, it's a little bee sting.

Yeah, like a whole swarm of bees.

tension. Let's have a tension.

First off, everyone's doing an excellent job. I just wanted to say that first

and foremost.

This is a very special week. It's Sweets Week.

And that means that the network needs us to do a live episode as if there's not

enough pressure on each and every one of us.

So when we go back, it's going to be all live so we can't have any fuck -ups.

That means remember your lines, remember your positions.

And remember your position.

So I'm going to do a countdown from five, and then everyone's going to

here we go.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Damn it. As your friend and doctor, I advise strongly against it.

Fuck. You don't think I know that I have the rare disease, tickle -sick -gnosis,

and that it only affects one in 90 million, and that I happen to be that

that my odds are that I'm going to die.

But if I still have a chance, then I choose life.

Choose life.

I choose life.

Life is what I choose.

Can I get you a cup of life?

A cup of life?

Marty!

Can't you get the...

Everyone on set was fired.

But you know what? I'm gonna be fine.

In fact, within minutes of the broadcast, the clip was already

internet, and I was the most watched clip.

No way! Shut up!

More than that girl that shoots bananas out her ass?

Yep. Oh my god.

More than the midget that lights himself on fire and shoots himself out of a

cannon? Yeah. Wait, what about the baby dancing otters?

and more than them.

In fact, the network executive offered me my own reality show.

Who would have thought I could become famous by being a fuck -up?