Original subtitles

Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Tonight Show! This

is over here for me! Thank you for watching at

home. Well, guys, the weekend's almost here, and it's gonna

be a big one for movies. Yeah, you got the

Melania documentary. And you have the new Rachel McAdams film

Cent Help, which, yeah, which, fun fact, was actually the

original title of the Melania movie. That's right. Tonight was

the official premiere of the Melania documentary at the Kennedy

Center. Right now, Trump is encouraging everyone to see it

in an iMac, so his hands look regular -sized. But

critics are saying the film isn't great. Yeah. I'm not

saying it's bad, but after the movie, Trump took his

name off the Kennedy Center. It's like a movie. Some

celebrities went to the premiere tonight, including Dr. Phil, former

New York City Mayor, Erica Adams, and the Grizzly family.

It was the first red carpet where the paparazzi took

selfies. Guys, Congress has been negotiating with the White House

about passing a budget bill to avoid another government shutdown.

It's coming down to the wire. Here's what some lawmakers

had to say about it. First, Senator Cory Booker said,

we need to work together and get this done. All

this fighting is getting old, man. And Senator Chuck Grassley

said, did someone say, oh, man? Sorry, I thought you

were talking about me. Anyway, avoiding the shutdown is number

one on my checklist. And Senator Roger Marshall said, did

somebody say, chicklets? Sorry. I thought you were talking about

me. Anyway, if you want to reach across the aisle,

come on over. And Senator Ed Markey said, does somebody

say, comb over? Anyway, I love the talk. I just

want to vent real quick, dummy. And Senator John Kennedy

said, does somebody say, ventriloquist? Then Congresswoman Rosa Delarro said,

does somebody say, kpop demon hunters? Anyway, we can't keep

yelling bleeps and banging heads. And Senator Jerry Moran said,

does somebody say, fell asleep in a tanning bat? Anyway,

I'd rather be golfing. Work's been bland. Give me a

cowboy. And Senator John Austin said, does somebody say, Kirkland

brand Timothy Schalamet? Anyway, we should split off as a

two -man group, like a shake -up. Then Senator Mark

Kelly said, does somebody say, blue -man group minus makeup?

Anyway, everyone just needs to back down. Don't act up.

And say, mella, bro. Then Senator Mark Wayne Moan said,

does somebody say, background actor on Yellowstone? Anyway, I blame

the other side. It's been bossed. They cheated privately. And

finally, Senator Patty Murray said, does somebody say, binge -watch

heated rivalry? We're having trouble. They can't hear each other.

So they're happy. They miss it, they miss it. It's

mala propels. Yeah. Well, people are talking about this. This

is second major winter storm in a week. It's headed

for the East Coast. It is a weather phenomenon. Experts

are calling January. Last week, it was winter storm fern,

and now it's bomb cyclone. Right now, winter storm fern.

It's like, how come you get to be a bomb

cyclone? I'm going to be winter storm fern. Whilst it

was sports news, this is going viral a Super Bowl

promo image from September featured famous players facing the trophy,

right? And if you zoom in, the two players closest

to the trophy just happen to be Seattle Seahawks, quarterback

Sam Darnold, and New England Patriots quarterback Drake May. Now,

some fans are saying this is proof of a conspiracy

and that this Super Bowl matchup was all scripted in

advance. That's obviously ridiculous. So I'm not going to dignify

it with a response. But I do want to talk

about a different part of the picture. Now, if you

look closely, you'll see that under the Golden Gate Bridge,

that's the sea. And on the other side, that's a

hill. It's a sea that's at a hill. Sea at

hill. Sea at hill. Stay with me. Because I'm just

getting started. In the foreground, you see burrow, right? Burrow

without the W is burrow, which is another word for

donkey. What sound does a donkey make? Oh, that's right.

He -ha. Now, take that he -ha and add the

sea and the X from up on that hill. What

do you get? Sea -ha -X. Sea at hill. Sea

-ha -cus. Sea at hill. Sea -ha -hawks. Wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait. I just realized something. What was that?

OK. So if you look closely, right, at the original

picture, you'll see the numbers for 21, 13, and 2.

So if you want those numbers with the corresponding letters

of the alphabet, the results describe this entire conspiracy theory.

D -U -M -B. Dumb. You're dumb. Oh, my gosh.

I really am. Thank you. Glad to see you. Glad

to see you. Glad to see you. Glad to see

you. Glad to see you. Glad to see you. Glad

to see you. Glad to see you. And finally, this

week was the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Reunion.

And it got pretty heated. There was a lot of

drama between Lisa and Heather. Now, if you missed it,

don't worry. Because I'm going to re -enact that scene

with actual lines from the show and here to help

me do it. It's the one and only. Liam Neeson.

Thank you, Jimmy. Thank you, Jimmy. Tonight, I'd be playing

the role of Lisa, a business owner who is being

accused by Heather of leaking. Gossip. And I'll be playing

Heather, a med spa owner who is accusing Lisa of

leaking gossip. Sit here and get ready to go. I

felt very alone and I wanted to go home. It's

like, what you guys do is wrong. I was like,

crying. What you do is wrong, too. You leaked gossip.

No. I didn't. And I'm falsely accused by you all

the time. No. You weren't falsely accused. I was falsely

accused. I accused you of what I felt was true

and I still believe it's true. What do you feel

on the truth are two very different things? Well, I

think it's true and I still love you and I

still want to be your friend. Which is astonishing. Well,

I don't know if I want to be your friend

if you think it's true. I do think it's true.

I think it's true that you leaked gossip and I

gave you the receipts. But if you're going to go

there, I'm going to go there. I was sharing my

feelings. But now it's about your feelings. I'm done. I'm

not going to take accountability for effing. I don't do.

No. That's the end of the story. I'm not going

to be saying I did something I did. No, I

didn't. Okay, but you did it. Oh, my gosh. I

just... I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done.