Original subtitles

Evening, everybody.

The door!

How's it going, Mr. Peterson?

Going down like a two -dollar whore when you hand her a finish.

Nice and easy.

Nope. Sucking me dry. Hydrate me, Woody.

There you go.

You know me?

Look at that. Legs from her neck down.

Wow.

Back in Indiana, we had a gal like that.

You mean hot.

No, I mean born with her legs connected to her head.

But she was something special, though. When we'd have sex, her eyes would roll

back.

Literally.

Until she died of penis -shaped brain damage.

You knew her, too?

A female erectus is a fine creature.

Yeah, she's actually making me a little erectus.

I think I'll go over there and show what a real man looks like.

Aw, Cliff, if you do that, she'll think real men look like burn victims with

mustaches.

Laugh it up, Carla.

But when I get done, that beautiful lady will have my face down on her lap.

Only she mistakes you for a napkin.

Hello there.

Oh, no thanks. I already have a mailman at home.

The one that's willing to be your love slave?

No. The one that doesn't smell like beer and look like Magnum P .I.'s slow

brother.

Holy cow.

Look at her.

Hey, wait for your time, Sammy. I think I've already proved that she doesn't

like men.

Actually, I think you proved to her that she doesn't like ugly men.

Excuse me.

My name's Sam.

Can I get you a drink or something?

Oh, what would you recommend?

Me?

What's the twist with me?

Sounds like a delicious cocktail.

It is, once you get past the tail part.

You're amazing and sexy, aren't you?

And you're just looking at the hair.

You haven't seen the rest of the package.

Well, I think I'd like to see it.

Thinking woman, I like that.

Why don't I take you back to my office so you can get a little more...

Comfortable? Horizontal, actually.

This is your outfit.

Office, sex layer, tomato, tomatoes.

I see you're a professional baseball player.

Well, I'm retired, but I score more often now anyway.

Ever strike out?

Well, I think I did once.

Oh, no, that was somebody else. No, never strike out.

Fabulous. Go on.

And I think I'd like it if you showed me how fabulous you really are.

Go on.

Sam.

I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.

Whoa, whoa, not the hair.

That's reserved for my hairdresser and my feathering hair gel.

Oh, my God. Just a little bit.

Yeah. In your mouth.

That, too.

In your mouth.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah. I like that. Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, baby.

Fuck.

Oh,

shit.

Oh, yeah. That's so sexy.

Oh, fuck you. God damn it.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, yeah, that's it, baby.

Yeah, look at those beautiful eyes, baby.

Yeah, fuck yeah.

Oh, shit.

Oh,

it's

so hot. Oh, my God, I love fucking it. Mm -hmm.

That's it. Let me see those beautiful eyes, baby.

Oh, fuck.

oh yeah oh

yeah oh

yeah oh yeah oh yeah

You stick your finger in there. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're a tough boy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. It's so fucking soft for you.

Yeah.

Yeah, I want you to fuck me.

Yeah, I want you to fuck me good.

Look how fucking beautiful you are, huh?

Look at that. Fuck me. Right here, come on. Come on. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck me.

Fuck this shit out of me. Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh yeah. Oh

yeah.

Fucking be a slut for you.

Take that big fucking dick and what you do all the time. Fuck yeah.

Fuck yeah.

Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.

Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.

Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.

Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.

Fuck yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. God.

Yeah, yeah, fuck me with that big fucking dick of yours, huh?

Yeah, it's too bad.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck me, yeah. Fuck me just like that. Yeah, fucking love it.

Fucking beautiful

It's so fucking hot.

Yeah, fuck yeah,

oh my god

Yeah, I want you to come, baby. Come on. Just come, baby. Come.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I want you to fucking come for me. Yeah.

All over that fucking beautiful face.

Yeah, beautiful dick all over my fucking face.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Therefore, the Aborigines were the first to perfect anal sex.

Sam,

what is wrong?

Oh, I don't know, Frazier. I just feel a little depressed.

Well, you just had sexual relations with that young lady. Is that right?

Oh, yeah. She climbed up the coconut tree and had a nice warm pina colada.

enjoyed it?

Which time?

You performed adequately?

Adequately for John Holmes. I'm a sex superstar.

Hallelujah!

Sam, I think that maybe you're still thinking of Diane.

Oh, come on, Doc. You're nuts.

I mean, the only time I think of her is when I really want to take my mind out

of having a good time.

I mean, look at her over there.

And that's why a fine Riesling goes perfectly well with a Coquille Saint

-Jacques.

A French dish that always surrenders to a German wine.

She's stuck up.

She's arrogant.

Boring.

I mean, I'm sure she smells great.

Looks great.

Got those beautiful breasts.

Nice. Nice.

Nice.

Oh, yes.

Clearly.

You have no interest whatsoever in Diane.

Call me Dr.

Stupid. Hiya, Dr. Stupid.

You really want to get back to that blonde drip, do you?

Take me.

I'll devalue your body like a cake at an overeater's anonymous party.

Oh, Carla, you know, maybe the doc is right. I mean, in order to be happy, I'm

going to have to get Diane in the sack.

Two white wine pretzels?

Coming up.

Speaking of coming, you know, why don't you go out tonight?

How about we do breakfast in bed?

Oh, Sam, won't that interrupt your daily viewing of Scooby -Doo?

Come on. I mean, why don't we go out and have a drive in my Corvette?

You must be joking.

First of all, the fact that you've learned to replace your grunting noises

words, I have to say that your lust for juvenile materialistic things sickens

me.

You put the value of that car above everything else.

So that's a no?

That's a never.

So that's not a no!

Oh, you know, maybe she's right, Frasier.

Maybe I do love that car too much.

Maybe if I got rid of it, she would sleep with me.

Well,

If you're truly interested in selling your beloved automobile, I

would be interested in purchasing your sports car.

Wow.

Is it?

That's a really big decision.

Does anyone else feel hot in here?

You know what, Frazier?

I'm going to let you buy my bed.

Well... I'm going to take a spin in my new car

and perhaps stop by my home and...

See what words will flow from my beloved Lilith's mouth when she sees the new

four -year model, Frasier.

Hopefully that comes up quicker than a puke.

How could you do that, Sam?

Oh, come on, Carla.

You know, I feel fine.

I feel refreshed.

Matt, how could you do that to me?

Frasier, what happened?

Well, I decided to put the top down on the new sports car that I purchased from

Sam.

Are you all right?

Actually, it's quite invigorating.

The wind in my hair, the thorn on my face, the bugs in my eyes.

I know you call her. This is so unlike you.

Well, I thought that maybe the Frasier pot roast that you're so very used to

needed to be spiced up and turned into fajitas.

I love it when you speak Spanish to me.

Well, on delay, my little chiquita banana.

My, the new Frasier has me intrigued.

Hotter than I've ever been before.

Clearly, you bring out my animalistic urges.

My juices are flowing.

My dam's about to burst.

Treasure, take it.

Well, I guess it's time to play The Doctor is In.

Let's do that.

Come on.

Uh -huh. Just...

Oh, you keep fucking that pussy. You keep fucking that pussy right there. Oh,

God. Oh, you take that fucking... You take that fucking pussy.

wrapped around your fucking dick. Yeah. You're like, that's your dick. Oh, yeah,

squeeze your fucking cock.

Oh, yeah, squeeze your fucking dick.

Spit all over you naughty, naughty girl.

In your ass.

Bitch,

you're so bad.

Oh, God.

Oh, yes.

Grab your ass, baby.

Okay.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh,

fuck. Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit.

Oh, ride that fucking dick, huh? Oh, yeah, just ride that fucking dick up and

down that fucking shack.

Oh, my God. Oh, you're gonna fucking call me. Oh, God. Oh, you'll palm my

fucking ass.

Oh,

my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh,

fuck.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I'll spread my fucking ass for you.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, baby, where's the dick?

Oh, yeah.

Hold it open. Put your hands on it.

You want to taste it? You want to taste it? I want to taste it. I want to

fucking taste my pussy.

I want to taste my fucking pussy.

Oh, you shove it all the way in there. I want to taste it.

I want to taste it.

Oh,

that's a kid in your mouth.

Take that fucking pussy. Take it. Take it. Take it.

Oh, shit.

Sit on my dick.

That's it.

He fucked my pussy. He fucked my pussy. Keep fucking that pussy.

out my fucking juicy ass pussy and let you fuck me some more, huh?

Oh, keep fucking that hoe.

Oh, God,

yeah, baby.

Watch your fucking cock, fucker.

You stare at that fucking big beautiful ass and you fucking fuck me from behind,

huh? You fuck that good fucking pussy. Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

Oh. Oh.

Yeah. Oh.

Oh.

Oh, that's it.

That's it.

Oh, I feel that fucking dick. Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you.

Oh, yeah, make him want to fucking come.

Oh, that's right.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you're going to come all over my fucking big ass? Is that what you're

to do for me, huh? Oh, yeah. You're going to come all over my fucking big

fucking ass? Oh, yeah.

Oh, I want you to fucking give it to me.

Give it to me.

Oh, yeah. Just give it to me. Give it to me. Just give it to me.

Oh, yeah.

There you go.

There I go what? No more car.

Sam, it's just not the infatuation with the car.

Well, then what else is it?

Well, first off, that cologne you're wearing is

ghastly. I mean, what is it made of?

Ox urine and guava?

You mean...

Oh, to scoring?

Oh, come on!

Okay, fine.

It's gone.

So when you're actually sucking on a clitoris, you're actually sucking on a

penis.

Yeah.

That's what I'm thinking about.

Cliff. Sammy!

You know that cologne you always ask me about?

Yeah, it smells like a combination of guava and acacia, and it's fine scent.

I'm going to give it to you.

Can't do it, Sammy.

It's enrollment that makes you the man that you are. A man irresistible to

everywhere.

I was approaching you with invitations of raunchy unbridled sex.

Two nights of long, passionate thrusting.

Don't use too much. It's powerful.

He looks stunning.

Oh, well, hello there, beautiful lady.

Hi. You smell nice.

Oh, well, thank you.

Did you know that Boston has the most professional cologne salesperson per

capita in any city in Massachusetts?

Fascinating. Would you like to join me?

Oh.

Okay, I'll do it.

I'll get to him.

Yeah, Clippy knows when it's time to go. You don't have to kick him in the face,

kick him in the teeth.

He knows when he has to be.

What?

I act like he wanted to sit down.

I take that as a yes.

I do, I do.

You're funny.

And I love a man in uniforms.

You do?

Oh, of course you do.

Women find it hard to resist a hardworking member of the Postal Service

of America.

I always find a hardworking member on a postal worker hard to resist.

Through rain, wheat, or snow, they always deliver.

If you know what I mean.

Hey, I hope I do.

Now, can you send me a special delivery, Mr. Postman?

And actually, out of a little known fact, there's a special delivery

and it's really a myth, rather than propaganda.

Shut up and hate me.

So, uh, what's your name?

Hey, I guess the name's not important.

Oh, it's good.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, this happens to me all the time.

Yeah, good.

Always give me blowjobs. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh,

yeah.

Fuck my mouth, guys.

Right turn, right turn.

Here.

Here.

Yeah, let me clip you a return of fame before you die.

Oh, God. You're a pretty lady.

You want to try your peanut?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I heard you got rid of your testosterone -filled cologne.

Indeed I did.

Does that turn you on?

Damn, you'd have to get rid of a lot more than that to turn me on, you

jerk. Shallow? Me?

Me?

Shallow?

Yes, uh, you.

Shallow.

Very good.

Good caveman.

Very good, man.

Look, what does it take for a guy to get through to you?

Have to buy some salt and a good powder. It'll just get through that icy top

layer. Carla.

Why does that thing bat think I'm shallow?

Hey, Sam.

You left your mirror in breakfast.

Thank you, Woody.

Wow, maybe she's right.

Maybe to show her how bad I really want her, I'm going to have to sacrifice

something. Something that I really love.

About... Start with my bar tab.

Everyone knows how much you love those.

I was thinking more along the lines of hair care products.

Carla!

I'm going to give those to you.

Sam! I don't know what to say.

These are your hair products.

They're a big part of you.

It's like having a big, thick, plastic piece of you.

I'm gonna go put these on my nightstand.

Thanks, Sam.

Don't mention it.

Hey,

can

I get a beer there, Sammy?

Probably not completely.

You think I'm so stuck on myself.

I just gave away all my hair care products.

Well, that is wonderful.

Well, I'm a wonderful guy and not shallow.

I think you're missing the point, Sam.

I think you're missing my point, Diane.

You gave away your hair care products.

So what's the big deal?

The big deal?

The big deal is this baby goes south at midnight faster than a hollow -nosed sex

appeal.

That's the big deal.

It's not enough, Sam.

I'm like a fine, beautiful Russo painting, and you're more like a Captain

Caveman coloring book.

There's just no chemistry.

And besides, you have a gaggle of floozies at your beck and call.

And in my book, that's a faux pas.

And Sam, I've read many books.

Many.

Mr. Peterson, is there anything else that could get you?

Ah, you got a muzzle for Mrs. Peterson?

No muzzle, anything else?

A muzzle for Vera, huh?

Yeah, how about another beer, Woody?

And while you're at it, could you call Mrs. Peterson and tell her to stop

barking at the neighbors?

Sure thing.

Woody?

I want to hear this.

Okay, okay.

Sam.

This is your little black book.

Really?

Really. I, uh... I don't need it anymore.

From now on, I'm a one -woman man!

Thank you! This is great!

Cool. I noticed, so... But this is perfect timing, because my mother and

are coming in from Indiana, and I want them to take... You know, a date out on

big night out, so... Show them that our little country boy's become a big city

man. Exactly. Yeah, where are you taking them, Woody?

Well, Chuck E. Cheese.

It's half -price pizza night.

Chuck E. Cheese.

There's a note here.

It says, ready, willing, and double joint.

Exactly what does that mean?

It means she loves half -price pizza, Woody.

Oh, boy.

Hello, Melody?

Hey, this is Woody. It's Sam's friend.

Oh, yeah, he's fine.

Oh, I don't know. I'd have to ask him. Hey, Sam, do you still do that thing

your tongue where you flick it super fast?

No.

He says no.

So I was wondering if you'd like to go out with me later.

Well, that is fantastic news. I'll see you at Cheers.

Uh -huh.

Oh, as long as they...

All right, black.

Carla, hell, is that you?

I guess you're not as dumb as your nickname, stupid, led me to believe.

Oh, thanks for that, Carla.

What can I get for you?

Your number.

I'm not into vaginas unless they look like penises.

But I can learn.

Wow, these new hair products really work.

I want you and your hair.

You sound like my ex -husband just before he left me.

Terrible.

Nah, he was a pig, but it turned me on.

Hey.

Hey, Normie. I found some nuts we can share.

Oh, I've been waiting for... I saw you.

do with this now.

I don't know what to do.

with my car. I smell.

I'm shallow.

I'm with too many women. I give up all of that and you still won't sleep with

me. Why, you ignoramus. I won't sleep with you because I hate you. You hate

I hate you.

You got your head so far up your ass you're becoming a brunette.

Do you know what the difference is between you and a complete moron? No.

Ten letters.

Oh, you make me so angry.

You make me angry.

Oh, I hate you so much. You hate me so much? You are the most inept, inane,

superficial... Will you speak English?

I hate you with every bone in my body. You make my skin crawl. You sicken me.

Are you as turned on as I am? More.

Oh my.

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

How are you doing?

like that.

Shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Fuck.

Yeah, it's just like that. Fuck.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Oh, fuck.

Oh,

shit.

Oh,

fuck. Oh, shit.

Holy...

God damn.

Oh, yeah. I'm close.

I'm fucking close.

Oh, shit.

will actually run through the tube into your ass.

Closing time, you guys.

Those are dead.

Y 'all have a good night.

Never seen them in here before.

She's got a nice ass.

Boyfriend looked a little gay, though.

Yeah,

it'd been about three o 'clock. I'd have been all over that.

Good night, Woody.

Good night, Beth.

You too, Bonnie and White.

Get out of here!

Well... Looks like it's about that time, Cliff.

It wasn't time?

Nope. Time for Vera to speed him before she hibernates for the winter.

Good night, Mr. Peterson.

Good night, Woody.

Good night, Mr. Claver.

You gonna take that cup with you?

Give him up.

Let me go.

Good night.

So, uh, you still think I'm a gorilla?

Yes, but a sexy one.

I guess I can live with that.

Good night, Woody.

Good night, y 'all.

Good night.

Remember, condoms and seatbelts be safe.

You must be Melanie.

Actually, Melanie couldn't make it. She asked me if I'd like to come meet you.

And what did you say?

I'm here, so I said yes.

Well, that's fantastic.

It's nice to meet you.

We have dinner reservations at 10.

Do you like whack -a -moles?

No.

I was thinking I'd like to play whack -a -woody.

What about skee -ball?

How about we stay here and get to know each other a little more intimately?

Okay. I'll go first.

Okay. I'm from Indiana.

I live on a big farm. I have a hilarious cow named Giggles.

It's the first stand -up comic in Indiana.

That's not what I meant.

Huh? No.

I'll explain it to you a little more slowly.

Do you like thieves?

I sure do.

Why don't you get to know them a little more intimately?

Are you serious?

We're really doing this?

You are serious.

Thanks a lot.

Oh, come

on.

Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby.

God damn it.

Listen to me. You're so funny today.

You know what I like when it comes out.

Oh, come on.

Oh,

fuck that little fucking pussy.

Yeah, that's it. Right there.

Mm -hmm.

Yeah, come on, let me come along. You're good.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, right there.

Mm, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, shit, yes, yes, yes. Oh, fuck, right there, right there, right there. Yeah,

yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck me. Yes, yes, yes.

Oh,

fuck me.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Making that pussy.

Yeah. So that blood rushing down there. Because I'm still fucking hot for your

clothes. Yeah.

My little poor pussy. My little poor pussy just wants your cock. My little

pussy. Yeah.

You don't want something from me.

Nice and rich.

Yeah, nice and rich with your big fucking cock.

Thank you.

That's your ball, so you fuck that little pussy.

Come on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm going to get you on.

Yes, that's it.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I fucking know

You took a note.

Geez, that was great.

Yeah, you farm boys really know how to roll around in the hay.

You know, I don't think I caught your name.

I'm Rebecca Howe.

Who did I talk to about buying this place?