Original subtitles

On the afternoon of August 13th, 2009, sometime between breakfast and lunch,

let's just say brunch, a hiker on a trail in South Central Texas made a

and shocking discovery when he stopped to relieve himself behind an old willow

tree.

He had been drinking a lot of Chinese tea, and his bladder was... What?

I am sticking to the subject.

Don't tell me what to do.

You're not my goddamn mother. You're just some guy in a sound booth who's

been kissed by a girl.

I am fucking Randy Spears. And I'll gouge out your fucking eyeballs and fuck

your cerebellum just as soon as I look at you. You got it, fish face?

Good.

Now, just get over this.

Get on with it.

Where was I?

Motherfucker. Oh, okay.

On the afternoon of August 13th, 2007, a hiker in south -central Texas made a

gruesome discovery in the woods.

A box of high -definite videotapes was found. The tapes appear to answer

puzzling questions in the disappearance of a Hollywood starlet and French toast

enthusiast, Carmen Hart, from two years ago.

Motherfucker, would you stop that, please?

I'm fucking trying to concentrate here, and you're flattening your scrotum

against the goddamn studio glass.

It's definitely not helping.

Stop mocking me with your balls.

They're delicious.

I'm sure they're fucking delicious.

I'm not saying they're not.

What?

Come on, man.

I gotta get out of here.

I'd have my gigantic cock molded into a sex toy in an hour.

The fucking 405's a parking lot at this time of day.

Could we please fucking do this?

Thank you.

Right.

Fuck.

All right. Three, two, one.

The videotape the hiker discovered were the source material for the missing

episode of The Carmen Hart Show, a short -lived reality program that was

canceled shortly after Carmen's disappearance in 2007.

Carmen had hosted a contest where the lucky winner would receive a personal

visit from the sexy star.

Since then, she has never been seen again.

This appears to explain what happened.

It is a story that has haunted Texas.

A story that seemed to have no end.

Until now.

Warning. The footage that you are about to see contains scenes of a frank and

explicit nature.

Viewer discretion.

Is advised.

How's that? Is that good? Can I go now?

You want me to say what?

I should kill you in your fucking sleep, you little snot -nosed bastard.

Fine. I'll fucking say it.

Meh.

In last week's episode of the Carmen Hart Show, the lucky winner in the Spend

Day with Carmen Hart contest was chosen.

On this week's episode, the busy Hollywood starlet heads to a small rural

town to meet the winner and his family.

Stop the fucking limo! I finally got reception.

Jesus Christ.

Anyway... What about that European guy? The one we saw in that foreign film last

week at the festival?

Alfredo something or another? I don't know.

Get him to play the love interest, and then I'll do the movie.

Anyway, I've got to go.

We're headed down to Texas to meet the winner of that contest thingamajiggy.

What contest thing?

For the reality show.

Win a date or a day with Carmen Hart. Whatever.

Gary, you're my agent. You're supposed to know these types of things. What good

are you?

Fuck. So what's the family like?

I don't know. Some redneck, bumpkin, gingham -wearing country people. I don't

know. God. Anyway, I've got to go.

And when I get back into town, I want my movie with Alfredo sauce on it.

You got that?

Capisce? Okay.

Ciao.

Do you turn on the goddamn AC?

You weren't rolling on any of that, were you?

No, no, of course not.

Okay, good.

Where are we headed anyway?

Hmm. Right between my delicious thighs.

I'm bored.

Earn your paycheck, please.

Yes, Carmen.

So bright.

I told you how great of an assistant you are.

AC!

Fuck.

Oh, God.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Oh. Oh.

Am I doing good? Yeah baby.

Oh shit.

Hmm.

Cute little butt.

Oh.

Oh.

We now return to the Carmen Hart Show.

This week, Carmen visits the winner of the Spend a Day with Carmen Hart

Where the fuck are we right now?

Do you know?

Are we rolling?

We just landed in Texas about an hour ago. We're waiting for a ride to go to

family ranch. That's where the winner is.

I think a brother's picking us up.

Turn the camera off.

I'm bored.

Joanna, take your boobs out.

I want to play with them.

What's taking so long?

What's that?

A girl.

Don't think that, girl.

You might want to do the main.

What can I do for you?

Are you the contest winner?

Well, no. My name's Elrod.

I'm here to give you guys a ride on the Johnson.

Say what now?

That's what I call my van.

Want to know what I call my wiener? No.

I call it my van.

Now, Bubba, quit fucking around. Get these bags, boxes, and bones and shit,

let's get out of here.

Um, so that's the contest winner.

Honey, now pay attention, though. That is my brother Bubba.

Now, ain't nothing to be worried about him. Don't be scared or nothing, except

for maybe his peculiar odor.

Which, as the French say, is an acquired testicle.

Good Lord.

There you go. Spray up now, Bubba.

All right, now that we're all freshened up,

let's grab our bags and get aboard the jump.

Can I fuck up my hair? Let me check.

Right here.

Right here.

Okay. All right.

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Okay.

Get them back.

Welcome to my family.

I just want to say you already met my cousin Elrod and my boy Bubba. So here's

the rest of us, the motley crew that we are. This is my cousin Lucinda May.

She's a wonderful, robust lady, as you can see.

This is my other cousin and maybe even my daughter. I'm not quite sure. Don't

quote me on that one.

Annie May. And this is her husband there, Jimmy Bob Jojo Jr.

The third.

I can juggle.

Hey, Elrod.

Good job. Pleased to meet your acquaintance. Okay.

Nice to see you, Joanna.

Well, sure is nice to meet the both of you. You must be famous from all that

flying in from California.

You're like a little fence post.

It's easier for your fence out here.

And I can juggle.

Oh, you can juggle.

Got it.

Now, are you the lucky contest winner?

No. No, no, no. That'd be Barney, but he...

He ain't out yet. He don't come out yet till it's dark.

Oh, what, is he a vampire or something?

What'd you say?

Anywho, anywho, why don't we sit you folks down for some supper?

Texas style!

Yee -haw!

How's it going?

Nothing to stare at.

Mother of heaven, what's that goddamn leak?

Oh, my God!

Okay,

so what about that food?

You want food?

I can juggle you.

Come on, little thing.

You're like 20 pounds of fabric and glasses.

We're going to have to feed her all night long. Your heels weigh more than

We need to get her some hugs.

Why don't we hug her with our boners?

We're turning on the shell.

Oh, man.

That shell's a very special shell.

You know what?

I shall not do it.

Well, this here is my property.

It's out in a little place I like to call Poonskin Ranch.

It's basically, we're his family entertainers, and we like to put on

shows for the common folks.

What kind of jobs do you do around here?

Well, I need to help out the family, so I do some phone sex, you know, a little

dominatrix stuff. You know, my husband sells sperm.

Well, my name's Elrod.

Rod for the obvious reasons.

One second there, fellas.

So what kind of art do you guys do around the family sex farm? Oh, I be

care of all the guys, you know. Be putting out real good shows, looking

hot, you know.

I like to pass smog.

I commit my sperm and my feed to little jars, and I sell them for size.

How do you get your hair to look like that?

It takes a lot of time and a lot of effort, and I got both.

Do you have any male clients?

Excuse me?

Then I got Jimmy, John, JoJo, Bob Jr., the third, Esquire.

I don't know where we picked him up, but he's somehow related to me.

I'm not quite sure, but he's a good boy.

I don't know what he does. He's a little simple.

He's so cute. I love him. I have smog plants.

Because, you know, when you register your car, you have to pass smog. So I

the smog plants.

Uh -huh.

Yeah, so I'm Elrod because of the rod.

What I do around here is service up all them little lady folk.

Because they like to see what a real man's body looks like.

And that's what they get every time.

But don't look too long, because it'll cost you.

Shit, we got these two movie stars coming down here. I think, I don't know

they is, but one of them have won some sort of contest, and now they're down

here.

Her name's Carmela or Candy or something like that. She seems real pretty.

I like her a lot. She's nice.

So what do you want me to say about these...

Fucking hicks.

Um, we're rolling. Oh, hi!

So what do you think of the family so far?

They're just pee -pee.

Who do you like the most?

What the shit?

Oh, we're rolling. Remember... Homemade.

Something special.

What?

What now?

What would you do, Annie Maeve?

Oh,

I would drag that little bitch by her hair.

Right by her hair.

Don't say such things.

Okay? The squirrels will come down with the green plastic men.

So what do you hope to learn from this bunch of people?

Apparently, how to make gravy.

It's one of them.

Beautiful landscaping qualities.

They're great. They just dress wonderful.

Good family values.

All that stuff wrapped into one.

So what do you think about that Carmen girl coming in here at our family ranch?

You know, all the fancy, blitzy stuff. But maybe we can show her some home

cooking. Yeah, we could strip her down some, have her do some chores around the

house. I think that'd be a good thing. Is that good? Maybe help my husband with

some of that gold, that white gold that he sells, you know, that sperm.

Oh, shit. Well, that'd be, I'd be taking this, you'd be like, nah, it ain't

sure. Man, if she got this little girl with her, I'd like to fuck her on the

cornhole. So what do you think of the family so far?

I don't know.

Where's Carmen?

What'd she say?

I can't really... I can't really say anything unless she's over here.

He's looking at me funny.

Is he?

Yeah. Don't you be looking at my man, you hear me? Don't you look at me like

that. I thought I done told you. I ain't a piece of meat.

Sorry.

Anyway, so I got this other kid. His name's Bubba.

He's a little fucked up.

I can say that, right?

Fucked up?

Oh, Bubba.

Let's see.

We dropped him on his head 20 times.

I'm sorry, 27 times in a row.

But it gave us something to do that day. We were bored and wanted to see what

would happen.

Ta -da!

He came out pretty great, didn't he?

Yes, I'm ready!

Are you okay, man? You seem agitated.

He's kind of cute.

Coming up, Carmen learns some dirty little secrets about the family.

All right, everybody, who wants to say grace?

Bubba, you do the honor.

Preach on, brother. Preach on.

All right, Bubba, you go get that meat there.

Oh, it is hot today.

It was.

Hot today. And it's like, you know, you can't make up a smile if it's cold or

hot. Hot. It's that goddamn global warming all those hippies have been

about. Is that what it is, honey? Yeah, they're probably right about something.

Those separatists, cocksuckers, taking their LSD and their fancy things.

Anyway, Bubba's our head chef. He's got the best meat.

I'm sorry, I'm a vegetarian. I don't eat meat.

What are you, a commie or something?

That's just your way. Instead of me, you pass on one of them bread rules.

Sure will, Billy Bob.

Here you go, sweetie.

Oh, I'll get it.

So, um, what do you do for work around here?

Well, we ain't all famous movie stars, I tell you what, with our gold -plated

limousines and our platinum tampons.

Now, honey me, what's your P's and Q's?

Sorry, did you say platinum tampons?

Well, in answer to your question, we do all sorts of things around here to make

ends meet, but I'd have to say that if we shared any sort of commonality,

where in the performing arts.

Well, it's in the May hair. She runs the dominatrix section of things and the

phone sex.

And in May, she does a peep show.

And Elrod, where the hell is Elrod anyway?

Now, Elrod, he's a male escort and a dancer on account of his fantastic hair.

Um, that's interesting.

Um, what do you do, Billy Bob?

Me? Well, I masturbate into cups.

For the purposes of scientific research.

I get paid every time I ejaculate.

Gravy? No, thank you.

Can you excuse me for a minute?

Thanks.

Go ahead and eat. You're skinny, girl. Eat.

Now, you'll be back soon. Your food's going to get cold.

She's real purty, I think. Now, this one here's a little skinny.

Go ahead. You need to eat.

Don't be afraid right now.

We killed it for you. It's not going to hurt you.

It was dad. It was Bob.

Oh, he likes you. He's trying to feed you.

So you're a vegetative person, I say, a vaginatarian.

What kind of things do you eat in there? Just bacon and hot dogs and things?

Look at that. Oh, it's beautiful.

We're going to have some chicken.

Yeah.

You want some chicken?

Have a nighty night.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's what I do.

That's it. That's it. All the way. All the way. All the way.

You like that?

Oh, yeah.

Look at that.

I'll go check on her.

Watch out for him. Watch out

for

him.

Oh, fuck.

It's hard out there for a pimp to try to get the money.

You

killed some

good men there, Bubba.

I like you.

That's my baby.

I love you.

all this psychedelics to get off smoking all that weed

Where the hell did everybody go?

Every time they have dessert, everybody leaves.

I don't understand.

I find it quite appetizing.

Goddamn animal.

I have to send you out to kill some more hippies.

Hell,

that's exactly what they write.

What is this here, Scandinavian?

Tasting. Noon day.

Bake day noon.

Give me your hand.

Oh,

look at him, my little girl.

that I said.

Same tip.

You're going to be fucking me real hard.

That took long enough. Are we rolling?

No. What the fuck is this shit?

What do you mean?

You bring me down here in the middle of bumfuck with the family of perverts.

That's what I mean.

Sounds like great TV to me.

It's a fucking freak show.

Hey, look. It's a reality show. These are real people. This is real life.

the point. You're a great actress. Just pretend to get along. It's only a date.

Think of the ratings.

Here's one for you.

Why don't I kill you on camera and that can be the season finale?

Very funny.

Carmen!

What? What now? What? You're still not gonna like this.

Maybe they can give you something to wear. I'm sure they have something.

What? A tablecloth?

$1 ,300.

I need a cigarette.

Now, go get it.

I don't think Carmen's going to be too happy about this, do you?

Yeah, what are you wearing, baby?

Don't worry.

Fishnet stockings. Wait, I can't hear you. What? Oh, fishnet stockings. Oh,

yeah. A black lace bra, just the way you like it. No, no, no. I like the red

one. You like the red one? Okay, then I'm wearing red one, baby.

Yeah.

What does my daddy want me to wear?

Yeah.

I want you to wear some slacks.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. And one of them moo -moos.

Moo -moos, yeah. A wife beater, baby, yeah. No, no, moo -moo. A moo -moo,

Yeah, daddy, yeah.

Doesn't that bother you?

Borrow me.

It's a turn -on. Plus, when I'm done, I got me an extra

sample for sale down at the sperm lab.

White gold, Texas taste.

What do you say there, Mom? That's about 12 pcs at least, ain't you?

Fifteen, honey.

Good job, Billy Bob.

Just because you really know how to singe my kindling, darling.

More samples.

I like it like that.

I'm going to have to call you back now. Okay, call me back now.

It's a good, healthy hair, baby.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh,

yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you.

This is your pussy, yeah?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Dirty. Dirty.

Oh,

yeah.

Baby.

Oh.

Oh, my

God.

With that milk, yeah.

There's the space.

Then...

I didn't get none in my hair, right?

Who's that down yonder?

Look at you.

Aren't you as pretty as a peach?

Is the camera still rolling?

Mm -hmm.

I just love this dress.

I never knew tablecloth could be so comfy.

It's just fabulous. I should dress like this all the time. It's so hot.

She said I could be a real -life fashion designer once hell freezes over.

All right.

Isn't that sweet of you to say?

of the Family Compound.

Welcome to Sex World.

Let me do you a tour.

This here is where we do most of the family business.

Over here you can see that Lucinda May's got her dominatrix emporium.

We built this out of a jungle gym that we found rusted out in the woods.

As you can see, she can do pretty much anything here. You can do it at a big

city sexatorium.

She can do whipping, flogging, corporal punishment, all kinds of bondage and

shit. We've got animals.

We've got all kinds of good stuff. Golden showers.

But, you know, no brown showers. We ain't got reeders or nothing.

We can't just have the folks trying to make a living out here.

Here you go, girl.

Over here we've got Anna Mae.

She runs a peep show booth over here, which you can see is a dollar a peep and

dollar a pop. She's doing a little show right now by her lonesome, which is kind

of sad.

I don't know how beautiful she is.

Good things are not related to me by blood, Lord knew.

I will tell.

Oh, hell, boy.

How's business?

Well, it's a little slow there now.

Oh, hell, that's a shame.

It's a damn shame.

Oh, hell.

You missed a good barbecue.

Yeah. Bubba got good.

That's what I hear.

I hope I live to see another dinner that beautiful, I tell you, sir.

All I need is just a dance.

I can see the dance.

Oh, my God.

You got no ladies out here?

Not yet.

Man, I kicked.

You didn't hit no ladies last night, neither.

Not last night. You don't kick the unit in that.

Is that what happened? That's not happened.

That's happened to me, God damn it. That's why you don't seem to have no

success.

I bet it really did.

Oh, hell. I'll just get you something to practice on. Oh, hell. There's that

vaginitarian. Come here, little midget.

Don't be shy. Come here. Come on, man.

And meet the fan.

Oh, yeah!

Meet the fan.

Come on.

Would you like to dance?

Sure you would. Have you guys seen Carmen? Yeah, she's right here.

Whoa! No, I'm good.

No, I'm okay. I'm okay. Sit and let me dance.

Yeah! Really? Okay.

You want to touch my hand?

No, thanks. Come on.

No,

really. No, I'm concerned.

Oh, God. Yeah.

Yeah.

It's beautiful.

Hey, you give her a shout out. Am I dancing now?

Oh, horse apples.

Have some faith. You've got to have faith.

Faith, faith, faith.

That's a good kind of meat. I know you're a vegetarian and all, but... Oh,

that's fantastic.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Oh, look, it's like a little ham sandwich.

You can eat ham, Pecker.

Well, I'll be leaving you then.

I'm going to be leaving you masturbating.

Come on, make that clear.

Two guys, two girls, that's no good. There's too many guys, too many wieners

going on.

I'm going to go spank my cock and watch you.

I can probably sniff somebody's panties.

Good night!

Good night!

You gotta have faith.

Faith, baby.

Baby!

I'm not asking you to stay.

Please, please, please, don't go away.

That's good, girl.

Give it to me, because love and God will lose.

What about mine?

Yes. I know you're a vegetarian and all, but... But you eat hot dogs.

Mm -hmm.

I do, ma 'am.

Doesn't that taste good?

That's better than pork rinds, right?

Oh, Wes, you got a mighty fine ass.

She's got one of them tattoos.

Just like me.

Did you get yours from over there, over down the dirt road, Bucks?

Yeah, I guess not.

Damn

it,

don't do this to me again when I can't see nothing.

I see your chest meat right there.

Oh, yeah.

I can't get up.

Wow.

It's mighty fun.

Oh, wow.

Knew I would do it.

Oh, how's your hair, honey?

Feels very long flowing.

This

must be

just as good for you as it is for me.

Feels good.

You slapped there on your toe.

Not your toe, her toe.

Yeah.

Not you. Not you.

Mm -hmm.

Cops hit more than that.

So Billy Bob can I fuck her now?

She's a york.

All right.

Go L -Rod.

Come on, dude. Let me in on that. Oh, yeah.

Oh,

give me that pussy.

Slippery little thing.

Now I'ma fuck her some more.

That'll ride a little bit.

I'm just going to put in the tip. That's it. I swear.

Just the tip.

Just kidding.

You want just the tip too?

I'm going to give you just the tip.

I'm going to give her just the tip now.

Just the tip.

Just the tip.

That's all I'm putting in.

Fooled you too.

Tired of your practice?

Keep missing first time. I'm not here to get it.

That's peach.

as good as earlier as today? Oh, yeah.

That's two times.

Y 'all ready for some milk?

Huh?

Want some milk?

Come on in.

Get right here.

Get them faces right here. I want to put some milk on the faces.

Stop!

Elra time!

trouble now.

Coming up next on Carmen Heads South, Carmen finally meets the lucky contest

winner.

Lucky.

Are we rolling?

Yeah.

I'm so excited we're about to meet the contest winner, finally.

Not half as excited as he is to meet you.

Oh, great.

So, uh, anyway, so one day we, uh, we find this fella out wandering out by the

moonshine still, and he talking all funny and wearing these, uh, fancy

and anyway, one thing led to another, and we just, uh, end up moving back into

the barn over there.

Oh.

Something about him, though.

Something sort of peculiar.

Sorry. What was the question?

You know, feathers are like God's eyelashes.

Wink it at you.

Horse apples!

Well...

You too, mister.

There you go.

Ow.

Did he just lock us in here?

Don't worry about it.

Can't see anything.

Are you rolling right now?

Yep.

I can't help you now, girlie.

Is this lights out for Carmen Hart?

Is Barney some hideous monster?

What in tarnation is going on down here?

Stay tuned to find out.

You've been injured in accident.

We here at Carmelin, Orenstein, and King believe in you.

Give us a call.

555 -1212. And we cover your ass.

Did I say that? Yeah.

Anyone? Anyone even paying attention right now?

Are we rolling?

We now return to the Carmen Hart Show.

Already in progress.

I'm just joking. Let me get the light.

That's better.

Hello, Carmen.

I'm Barney. It's such a pleasure to finally meet you.

You're Barney?

Well, my name's Charles, but everyone likes to call me Barney around here.

Can I get you a drink?

Mineral water?

Moonshine, perhaps?

I do make them myself.

You make moonshine?

Of course.

I'm very fond of its particular taste.

In fact, it's the reason I came to the staff in the first place. It was

moonshine.

You see, it's my life.

Do you like them?

Sure.

So tell me, what were you expecting?

Some horribly mutilated redneck monster wielding a chainsaw?

No, I'm afraid Bubba's got that bit covered.

Me? I'm just a regular English guy living in a bar next to a family of sex

workers. Pretty standard, really.

So, you're the contest winner?

Yes, I am. Lucky me.

You know, I'm such a big fan of yours, Simon.

I absolutely love your work.

And to be honest, I think you're the most underrated actress in cinema.

Really? Quite.

Me too.

Pour yourself a glass there, cowboy.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.

Oh,

yeah.

Whoa.

Amen.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh, wow.

Oh,

yeah. Mm -hmm.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Oh, yes.

Mm.

Oh, yes.

Oh, God.

Yeah. You okay?

Yeah, it feels great.

It feels fucking wonderful.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Ugh.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck you.

Exciting conclusion to this week's episode of Carmen Goes Soft.

Cut to commercial.

God damn it, I made it too perfect again.

I'm going to have to mess it up a little bit.

Too much.

You're hot today.

Yes, I am.

Oh, what a tummy rub.

I bet I can call her when we get to the airport.

Like, right now. The plane leaves in two hours.

Well, I suppose we could always call her on the telephone.

Okay.

Thank you.

Ring, ring.

Oh.

Hello? There's one in there.

No, I'm sorry. She's not available.

Rednecks, just help me for one second.

Well, now that's just rude.

Hey, the woman.