Original subtitles

Captain's log, production date, June 26th.

The intercourse is approaching Deep Space Station 69 for the scheduled

Charlie Walker, the lone survivor of a spaceship crash over 20 years ago, a

on a desperate planet. After so much time alone, the old fart probably has as

much appeal as a pimple on Jeremy's butt.

I just don't get it, Jim. A starship being sent on an errand like this, I...

second -rate transport ship could schlep this guy back to Earth.

Why else?

I don't know, Boner.

The station's CO seemed in an awful hurry to get rid of this old Charlie.

Approaching Deep Space Station 69, Captain.

Visual transmission coming in, sir.

Captain Quack, I bid welcome to you and the crew of the Starship Intercourse.

I'm Commander Headcheese.

Commander Headcheese.

I'm prepared to beam over and discuss the situation.

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. I'm afraid you can't do that.

We've had an outbreak of regillian swamp fever. That's it. Regillian swamp

fever, yes.

Oh. But young Charlie Walker's been given a clean bill of health by my

staff. We kept Charlie in quarantine just to be safe.

And how old is this old fart?

Charlie's barely over 21.

Well, we just assumed.

After being on that dust ball for so many years that he would be about as

wrinkled as a Chinese Sharpay sucking on lemons.

Charlie was a mid -baby when that ship crashed, and Charlie is not a he, as you

can clearly see. Ms. Walker is most certainly a she.

Holy premature ejaculation!

It is woman!

I can see that, Jackoff.

Lieutenant, who are you?

Contact Squatty down in Engineering.

Tell him this one better not beam over inside out.

Boner, you're with me. Mr. Berm, account of your order.

Space. It's big. It's dark.

It's spooky.

These are the voyages of Starship Intercourse, her crew's five -minute

to spread the seed of humanity to any hot -looking babe in a space suit, and

boldly come where no man has come before.

Captain's log supplemental.

Dr. McJoy has expressed his concern to me regarding the alleged outbreak of

Virgilian swamp fever on Deep Space Station 69.

There aren't any swamps in space.

But my immediate concern lies elsewhere.

We're beaming over a hot babe.

Squatty, materialize her. And make sure her clothes stay at the space station.

Aye to that, Captain.

Miss Walker, welcome to the intercourse.

I'm Captain Quirk.

You can call me Jimmy Poo.

Oh dear, where are my clothes?

I never did something like a contraption.

Although it does mean to have it.

Don't worry, Miss Walker. I'll have a ship of doors to fabricate you some

clothing. Something cheap and tawdry.

Strappy, high heels.

Something a porn star would wear.

Chip. Chip.

Aren't you going to introduce us?

Hey, Captain. The laugh has more than one hand to kiss.

Oh, yes.

Miss Walker.

This is my crew.

If they're unimportant, anything you need, you call them Jimmy Poo.

Actually, there's something I've been craving that I've heard a lot about, but

haven't experienced yet.

What is it you like?

Ice cream? The Kevin Dodge?

Kevin Ring?

Bon Jovi CD?

I think the thing I want is sex.

I heard it could be pleasurable, but the men on the space station, they ignore

me. Damn. That raped Jenny Poole.

Yeah, well, I'm sure you'll find the man aboard the intercourse much more

accommodating. I laugh. We know how to treat a young lass.

We pretend you outrank us, and then we slam the detention.

At least, part of us do.

And speaking of detention...

It is to start with the good doctor, because I am going to give you the

attention that you deserve on my examining table to make sure you're in

room. And if you're a good girl.

From the good doctor.

Yes, Charlie, we have many corridors like this aboard the intercourse.

So don't believe anyone who tells you that we used the same corridor over and

over, shot from different camera angles.

Oh, hey, Captain.

I'm so glad you're here.

I was about to go to the gym, and my zipper appears to be stuck.

Well, let me help you, Yeoman.

You can't have a zipper stuck in the up position in a movie such as this.

By the way, Charlie, this is Yeoman Gland.

Owner, why don't you go ahead and take Charlie for an examination?

It's me. Take some time.

Right, Jim?

Come on, Charlie.

Come on. Don't dilly -dally. Come on. I've got a sturdy old set for you.

Ice train or a chapstick?

I always cool my fingers before giving a gynecological exam. It's a practice

that's been going on for hundreds of years on earth.

Mentioning your cold fingers reminds me, doctor, I am well overdue for my

prostate exam.

Later, sir.

The men from the planet Horny must have their prostate examined monthly due to

the long periods of time in which men must go between sexual gratifications.

I think it's romantic that the men of Horny give themselves to the right

It takes a great deal of discipline, nurse. You see, there's a tendency for

sperm to... back up.

So, every month I must go to Dr. Maggiore and have him massage and

sperm from my gland.

Sperm? You pointed it at green sperm. Freak!

We're eight minutes into the video and we don't even have a sex scene yet. I've

got a naked babe on my table with her feet in the stirrups and you're talking

about me massaging your prostate gland.

You know you're killing me!

Now, my dear, open up and say, ah.

Ah. That's it.

So, staying out of trouble?

Tell me, what was it like growing up on a desolate planet of yours all by

yourself with no doctor to play doctor with? There were animals there, and when

I felt lonely, I would just put my mind into one of them, and then I wouldn't

feel alone.

Well, I'll tell you what.

If you get bored...

You can let your imagination run wild and just go wherever you want to go.

dokie. Okie dokie.

Charlie.

Charlie, what's wrong?

You can't dance like that.

It is in front of us. I know that you know what I'm doing.

Doctor.

Later, sperm. I got my hands full here. I said later.

Nurse, chap, put something in his mouth. Hit him against the wall. If this girl

dies before we have sex, we're not going to get a bad review.

Oh, my ears.

Oh, they're tingling.

They're getting bigger.

They're getting bigger.

I'm a little ahead of schedule. I don't think I should be doing this. It's

really not good for the horny constitution.

But that is.

as you are in this.

Personally, getting this once every seven years is much experience.

Thank you.

Aw.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah. Oh,

yeah.

Shane's okay, guys.

What's this crazy stuff? What are you two doing out of uniform?

Um, we'll get back to uniform.

What is this?

I've had this before.

Just not admit it.

Captain's log, supplemental.

Dr. McJoy has given young Charlie Walker a clean bill of health. I have

therefore given the helmsman instructions to reduce speed, giving us

to enjoy the hot babe.

It must be wonderful being Captain Quirk's personal yeoman.

He's so dreamy.

Well, you know, it does have its perk.

Just the other day when he had his dick up my ass, I could have sworn he

respected me.

I don't know.

A lightning bolt. It came out of nowhere and hit you in your ass.

Good thing lightning can hit the same place twice.

Ow! I'm getting out of here. Wait for me.

Commander Hedges, we're barely reading you.

Enemy power unstable.

We're going to blow any minute.

I must warn you.

Beware. The evil is among you.

Rainer Hedges, I don't understand.

Evil among us. Do you see any evil among us?

Is that Charlie standing behind you? Hi, Charlie.

Join the little trip.

Can we talk later, Captain? It's just upstairs.

Oh, crap.

Did you want me to find another channel?

I could find an episode of Fresh Prince of Bel -Air.

No. But if you see a T .J. Hooker rerun, please let me know.

It's firm.

Commander Hedges said something about evil being among us.

Could it be that John T. Bone is directing this episode?

No, Captain.

But my long -distance deep space senses do indicate that Deep Space Station 69

has been exploded into a... Ball of fire.

Rather like my anus was that time you treated me to Mexican food.

How, Sperm, how?

How could it have happened?

I think that spicy Latino food does not agree with my half -warning system.

No, Sperm, I'm talking about Space Station.

It wasn't built very well.

Just like your ship.

Cheap paint, thin plywood, used nails. You guys don't get much of a budget for

these things, do you?

She knows something we don't know.

Perhaps she has read ahead of the script, Captain.

Captain's log.

The plot thickens.

Unbeknownst to us at this time, we have an intruder within.

A cutie pie named Charlie had a corrupted mind and a secret power to

She also had become obsessed with me.

More than a mere crush, she wants to be me. And what better place to begin than

in my quarters with my personal yeoman.

Charlie! One isn't in for a lady's private area without knocking.

At least not without buying her a few drinks first. How did you get in here

anyway? I'm sure that door was locked.

I have the power to get into things.

Besides, I got into this episode and I don't even do boy -girl scenes. But

Charlie, this is the captain's quarters.

No one else can be in here.

I'm the captain's yeoman, and I'm changing.

Yes, you are.

Where are we?

This is an illusion.

This is where I've been for the past couple weeks.

Oh, no wonder you're in a hurry to get on our ship.

Now it's a place where we can be together, alone.

I like the best pussy in three galaxies

You sure you've never done this before?

So

what

do you think of the female form?

Are you with me?

I'll take a closer look.

Turn me up, baby.

I think you're a natural.

Oh, that's good, baby.

Uh -huh. Yeah.

Oh,

how did you just know to do that?

Oh, yeah, stuck in that clip.

Think about that in court.

Think about what makes them tick.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

Charlie, just to hear you, but I wanted to see.

You had mentioned back on the bridge that Deep Space 69 was not well

constructed.

Do you know of something I don't?

Why did Headcheese want you off?

Tell me.

You're trying to get into my head, but this isn't about you getting into my

head. It's about me getting into yours.

Wrong man.

Oh,

I got a penis.

I can't wait to use that penis.

Jim, what is it?

Well, it's a girl.

But that's not the important thing. The important thing is that I found her just

like this on Texas.

Dr. McCoy, she looks brain dead.

Maybe. But with her looks, it really doesn't matter.

There you go again.

Being a typical man. You know, a woman can be a babe and be smart too.

Here he is, Doctor.

You think so?

I think that if Captain doesn't start acting like his old self, this video may

end up one sex scene short.

Out of my chair, you... you... you man.

Are you all right, Captain?

Why do you say that?

Don't I look all right? How's my hair?

Do I look fat in this uniform?

Uh, no, sir.

It's just that you're...

tone of voice.

Stop being sensitive, Mr. Sperm.

You're not even human. You're not supposed to have feelings. I, on the

hand, do.

This body hair is rubbing against this uniform. It's about to drive me nuts.

How am I supposed to store my bits and bobs in these thick trousers?

I believe the proper approach to storing your bits and bobs, Captain, would be

to hang them to the left.

Hey, a good foot to the left, Captain.

I beg the Captain's pardon, but I prefer leaning to the right, toward Ensign

Jekyll. And personally, I prefer to lean to the left, toward Lieutenant Scrooge.

All right, enough, all of you. I was just venting.

Why do you men always have to solve each other's problems?

Why can't you just listen to each other? Maybe give each other a hug now and

then.

Oh, not now.

I want to put as much distance as I can between us and where that space station

used to be. Warp... How fast is it that we can go?

Uh, warp nine, Captain.

Except in school zone.

Warp nine it is, then.

Let's shake the dust off this thing.

Aye, sir.

Warp nine.

I'll stop your whining all the time, would you?

Captain, if I weren't whining about me engines, I wouldn't have much to do on

this show.

Captain's log.

The intruder within reporting.

So far, so good.

I've got James Court by the balls.

And now I'm the one who wears the pants.

Now the intercourse is my own private playground.

So you're the transporter chief?

You should know, Captain. You recommended me after that one night we

together.

Yes.

What's the strangest place you've ever dotted?

On Herschel Savage's face.

But I've always wanted to do it in the transporter.

Imagine all of our atoms disassembled and then scattered together and then

reassembled. What could be more erotic?

to set that thing on automatic.

By the looks of the orange sky, I would say Stage 7B at Desilu Studios.

But Desilu Studios ended up the same time Star Trek did, Captain.

Neither exist anymore.

Listen, if I wanted intelligent conversation, I would have invited that

-eared Mr.

Sperm Guy.

Well, you are the captain, Captain.

Yes, I am.

And I would really like to know what it felt like to touch your breasts.

May I do that?

You smell like a girl.

Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck.

I had sex in a transporter.

But how did you know?

The transporter beam was set on both long range as well as short range, which

means that you and the captain managed to materialize on the bridge as well as

every room on the ship.

As well as every dirty movie channel available on satellite TV. We all

your carnal act, crewman.

Well, how was it? I'm a doctor, damn it! Not a porn critic. For my part, I'm

more than just a captain.

You have been with him before, uh, Groom and Bubbles, haven't you? And was he

different in any way?

Now that you ask, he was different. When he licked my pussy, it was as if he

knew how I felt.

As if he was a woman.

Captain's log.

Girly quirk recording.

I suspect there's a plot to take the intercourse away from me.

That bothers me.

So I did what any babe with a problem would do.

I lit some candles and I took a nice, long, relaxing bubble bath.

Captain, we wanted to have a word with you, not to disturb your bath.

That perfume bubble bath I know, Jim.

What if it is? A fella can't take a bubble bath if he wants.

Um, Captain, the doctor and myself, as well as just about any two

truckie with a weight of tribbles, feel as if you are not behaving right.

In other words, Jim, if you were any less macho, we would be buying you a

skirt and stilettos.

Surely you understand.

Now you listen to me.

This is my ship, and I can play this role any way that I want to.

And don't call me Shirley.

I don't look anything like a Shirley.

Ew!

Do you mind?

I'd like a little privacy while getting dressed.

Out! Out, out, out, out, out.

Hit me up with another one as well, Doctor. You got it, buddy.

Hold steady.

The captain is changing before our very eyes.

We have to do something to help him. And I'm not talking about buying him a bra

and panty.

Agree, Doctor.

I believe that whatever beamed aboard this ship...

And Charlie Walker's body is beginning to take over Captain Quark.

The entity within him is beginning to alter him and in a

metaphor, morphosize him into a woman.

And of course, being run by a woman, I haven't heard anything that crazy

since man elected Hillary Clinton president in 2008.

But if our captain wants to turn into a woman, he better turn into a stone -fold

fox giving sexual favors to first officers and doctors.

That's for sure.

Fascinating.

You look like a woman who's had a lot of sex in her lifetime.

Yeah.

I had sex for Vivid yesterday, and a day before that for Wicked, and a day

before that for Sun City.

Perhaps you could answer a question that I have.

Why does a man, especially a man like me, not want to

have sex immediately after just having had sex?

Now, take you, for instance.

You're hot.

All right, so I should be banging you all about the turbo lift.

But somehow I feel fatigued.

Is it because I'm getting old?

Not old, Catherine.

Just a bit tired.

I mean, you're just a man.

Of course.

So there are advantages to being a woman.

Not only do you have your dinner and your drink spot for you, but you can

multiple orgasms.

Too bad you couldn't be a woman.

Especially when a man just needs to take a nap.

Oh, well.

Who says I can't?

Nice.

Silly man.

Take a nap.

I'll be back as soon as you recharge.

not here, Lieutenant.

Screw you, miss.

Maybe next time.

And you?

I'm Jekyll.

Not around me.

I don't want you with me.

Mr. Scott, should we stop them?

They're not for 12 and a half minutes, Lassie.

The length of the average adult movie sex scene.

Come on, I'll buy you a soda.

You look like a sasparilla girl.

. .

What?

Thank you.

Oh, yes. Good.

Oh, good.

You say you found him this way.

It appears that the entity has left his body, Doctor.

Fascinating.

He no longer has breasts.

And his penis appears to be returning.

And making as much forward progress as a commuter on the 101 freeway during rush

hour. I need a stimulant. Nurse, get me those blue pills that I've been keeping

for emergencies.

Blue pills, Doctor?

Emergency?

Perfect. We've been doing the electric parity for the last 15 years.

Considering the average age of every male CAPS member, I'd say this was an

emergency.

Now that we have you back, Jim, what's the plan?

The plan is to have another second thing before those blue pills you gave me

wear off.

Wrap this parody up so I can take another nap.

Captain.

That was a little fresh, even for a porn babe looking for a raise.

I don't believe that was Yeoman Gland. I'm going to follow her.

See what she's up to. You two get up to the bridge. Have Squatty engage every

power system on board.

It's going to wreak havoc on our electric bill.

I believe I understand what the captain's trying to do here. I suggest

the bridge immediately.

Gentlemen, the engines.

Mr. Schwartz, I want our acupuncturist to watch you so frequently that it'll

seem as if our entire crew has been drinking water from a Tijuana

off my feet and bring me to your quarters like this.

I think I like this game.

You want to play with my crew?

Start with me.

Okay.

I know who you are.

Charlie.

How very clever of you, Captain.

More clever than you think.

I also know that you put part of your conscious mind into our computers.

Keep it there forever.

To be your personal toys.

Well, then come here, toy.

I don't know.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, my gosh.

Like that, huh?

Yeah.

I'm gonna come.

I can't seem to translate your mind with my superior intellect.

What are you doing? I know you're up to something.

You wanted power.

I'm going to give you power.

I'm allowed to give you a belly full of it.

Jim, we did it. We threw on every damn light switch on the ship. I even left

TV on in my quarters. If that doesn't overload our system, nothing will.

Stand back, Captain.

Who's funny?

It's me playing in the...

The body is trying to absorb all the energy that's around her.

Sperm, quick. While she's disoriented, make telepathic contact with her. Find

out who the hell she is and how much she's going to be paid for this silly

acting job.

We are Sperm. We are Charlie. We are one.

We share a collective memory of a time...

The ship crashed in a planet, and I foresee a video flashback sequence

explaining everything.

The sperm.

We don't have time for a video flashback. Get to it, man.

We survived the bash. We grew up.

And we had help.

The old ones gave us special powers.

The old ones?

Don't tell me Dick Clark is in this movie.

Boner, quiet.

We're just about to find out what happens to this stupid story.

Oh, I was given great powers.

But when a girl has experienced great powers, she cannot live without this

power. She cannot live.

She cannot live.

Boner, quick, tell the computer to solve pi.

Fascinating. Jim, I've seen you dump girls after banging them, but this is

ridiculous.

It's more than ridiculous, boner.

There's a moral to the story.

When you're a chick and you've got fine tits and fine ass, just like that one

did, you've got to remain just that, a chick.

I had no business taking over other people's minds and bodies.

Let alone try to run a starship.

That's a good moral, Captain.

I think it'll be for a more now.

Just as I suspected, Captain, the Hestie has loved the ship.

Into the cold vacuum from which it came.

Good. At this time, we'll leave her there.

I think the General will agree.

Some women are better left home on Saturday night.

Amen to that, Captain.

But Jim, how did you know the entity would flee the computers by trying to

the equation of pi?

Because the entity was a woman voter.

Yes, Captain. And as a woman, she knew how to bake a pie, but not how to solve

it.

Captain's log.

Unicorps has encountered an Earth ship from the past. A dark, dismal time, the

year 2006.

Coming up on slow -moving, unidentified vessel, Captain.

The ship's being pulled into a black hole.

She'll swallow that other ship faster than a $10 English whore swallows semen.

Sperm. Are you sure there's humans on that ship?

Affirmative, Captain.

Captain, my deep, throbbing senses indicate...

Three of these forms are thin, then.

Protractor beam on that ship, it's real.

We must.

Save the man!

Look, the babes.

Aye, they're babes, all right. Look at as tasty as popsicles. As frozen, too.

These are suspended animation tubes.

Mr. Balls, I would like to inquire about your women.

Are they your crew members?

No, they're actually more like cargo.

You mean they're for sale?

No, more like lease with an option to buy.

Best I can figure it, Jim.

Balls' women are drawing all the energy from all the male members of our crew.

He's right, Captain.

We must keep the crew members from having sex with Balls.