Original subtitles

MUSIC: Paint By Number Heart by Martha & The Muffins

This programme contains very strong language

SHE HUMS TUNELESSLY

They've never been the friendliest bunch on Grandma's street.

We seem to have a knack for pissing them off.

Her daughter's a drug addict, you know.

And she's divorced.

Always has men round...

..and all bloody colours and all.

Worst of all, though...

..she smokes...

..in the kitchen.

What are them two bloody staring at?

You all right, Sandra?

Do you need help with that?

With what, love?

That large stick up your arse - do you need help with it?

Do you pissing mind?!

Bloody hell, Joan.

I could have you locked up for indecent exposure,

if I didn't mind that view so much.

Oh, no, no. Don't put 'em away on our account.

Did your mother never breast-feed you, Paul? Hm?

If you're looking for that wayward daughter of mine, she's not here,

so piss off.

Well, we're going to have to check.

And I might start in your bedroom...

..if you want to come and join me?

SHE SNIGGERS

Psst! BUSH RUSTLES

Alma! Psst!

Alma, come here.

Hey, will you do Mummy a little favour?

I've left my leopard print handbag in the hallway,

so will you just go and get it for me?

That's Grandma's bag. No, she...she's lent it to me,

so just go and fetch it for Mummy, eh?

But don't let anybody see you.

Do you mind?

She's not in the washing machine, is she?

I'm sick of this bloody harassment.

I said we've got to check everywhere, Joan.

Get off me knickers.

It's like dental floss.

Are you not getting any at home or something?

Right, now what?

Oh, ace!

Oh, ta, Alma.

I'll see you soon, yeah?

Stop!

Stop! It's her. Quick, get her!

Come on. Hey! Come on!

Police, stop!

But without us Nuttalls, what else would they have to gossip about?

Sorry, Julie, you're a national treasure but I've got dreams, too.

Oh, yeah.

That is fabulous. Look at it.

New me, new life.

This is the plan now.

I'm going to visualise the shit out of my life.

Hollywood, here I come.

Nothing can hold me back. Exactly.

Woo!

I'm on the up.

Talent.

You've got that in spades, yeah?

Well, some of you have but definitely not you, Lesley.

Number two - CV.

Now, having a good CV is part and parcel of being an actor.

I would never have been an extra/supporting artiste on Corrie,

three times...

That's three.

..if I hadn't got me CV in good working order.

Now, Brian. I notice on yours, you've got a lot of accents.

But can you do 'em all? Um...

..yeah, I think so.

All right. Give us your Scottish, then.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

IN A BAD SCOTTISH ACCENT: Now, ooh! Oh, haggis.

Ooo! Bit of the noo!

Oh, I just want to dance with a bottle, eh!

No, Brian. That were not good, were it, class?

ALL: Not really, no.

If anything, it were a bit racist, Brian.

It was a little bit, yeah.

Look, it's important.

If any of you have got a skill on your CV

that you don't actually have, get it off.

Get it off now.

Believe you me, you may think you can Lindy Hop

when you've had a few bevvies down at Mondo's...

..but it's a different story...

..when you're in an audition and you're sober

and you'll regret that...

..for the rest of your lives.

Can I keep beatboxing on?

Beatboxing?

Beatboxing, it's like... SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

SHE BEATBOXES

No.

Attitude -

change it, all of you.

You'll not get anywhere with a chip on your shoulders.

Tina, you can't threaten to beat up casting director,

when you don't get a role.

Fuck off!

Alma, you've missed a session.

Lesley, you've missed a fuck load.

Well, my mum's got cancer, Ian, and I'm her full-time carer,

so I can't always...

No-one cares, Les.

Excuses don't wash in this biz.

If you're to be an actor,

you do not have room for personal drama, like Lesley.

Keep drama on stage.

Why do you think I'm still single?

I've not had a girlfriend for 15 years...

..because...

..I'm married to the craft.

If you want to be actors, if you want to be stars,

you need to streamline your lives.

Get 'em streamli...

Streamline your lives.

Do it with me.

ALL: Streamline your lives.

Streamline your lives. Streamline your lives.

Good, good.

ALL: Streamline your lives.

If you want to be a star,

you've got to streamline your lives. That's what Ian says.

I could've been a star.

Of what?

Don't know, but I've always felt like one.

I'm just completely bored since retirement.

I need, um...

..a hobby or a pet.

There's only so much Tinder a girl can take.

Well, it's Mum's CPA on Tuesday.

You can come to that if you want something to do.

Fuck that for a bag of Wotsits!

Just me again, then.

Now that's your choice, Alma.

The day I refused to be your mum's next of kin,

was one of the most liberating days of my life.

It's the closest you can get to divorcing a child.

She destroyed me life!

And me vagina.

Ugh.

What's a CPA?

CPAs are these dull little get-togethers

with my mum and a revolving door of professionals.

Do we really need all these fucking people?

Let's just go around the room and introduce ourselves.

Er...

..I'm Alma, Lin's mum, I mean, daughter, sorry.

Hello.

I'm Lin, the fish in the fucking bowl.

They all sit there taking notes and talking about her in third person.

And the shit they come out with!

I think Lin could benefit from some breathing exercises for relaxation.

Relaxation?! I smoke for that.

What about the yarn-bombing course?

Fuck off!

To be fair, she has tried normal activities.

She's just not very good at them.

SHE GROANS

Argh!

OK, shall we just keep going round?

Hello, I'm Jane.

Oh, here we go! Another social worker from the council.

Mum's had more of these than she's had crack pipes.

They all start off looking fresh and self-important.

By the end, they look like this...

ZOMBIE MOANS

She has a face like a right slapped arse, this one.

I'm the new social worker from the council,

taking over from...

Where the fuck is Bev?

Bev has had enough, Lin,

and I tell you now, I will not be spoken to the way you spoke to Bev.

I made one comment about her weird fucking eyebrow!

It wasn't just one comment though, was it?

You wrote a poem.

Left it on her window screen.

She fucked up me bennies.

She'd just had her gall-bladder removed!

It's got nothing to do with that.

Bev was a dick when she had a gall-bladder.

She was a dick when she lost it. Nothing fucking changes with Bev.

OK. Can we just leave Bev's gall-bladder out of this

and focus on the good news?

What's the good news?

We've just been notified that Lin's section has finally been lifted.

We're looking at potentially placing her in a hostel

that offers mental health support services. No!

Jim's in one of them now and he hates it.

The tribunal don't feel you're ready

for independent living quite yet, Lin.

Fuck's sake, you burn one little flat down

and everybody's up in arms.

Yeah, no. I don't think a hostel will work for my mum

cos she needs somewhere where she can feel calm and stay clean.

Well, the other option's living with a family member.

OK, so this hostel...

..is it all right? Is it a goer, do you think?

ALARM WAILS

TRAIN WHEELS SCREECH

It's like a shoe box. A dirty, horrible shoe box.

I mean, it's...

It could be nice.

You know, we just... I know it's a bit, "Blargh!"

But we'll some paintings up or we can paint the walls?

No painting walls.

No nails in walls.

Right.

Like prison.

But do you know what? It's a lovely area this now.

It's quite posh nowadays.

Very leafy.

People keep saying leafy.

What the fuck does it mean?

If I wanted leafy, I'd live in tree.

Lovely lamp, though.

Oh, hello.

Are you here about the mice?

They keep eating my fucking cornflakes.

Er... No, we're just showing my mum round

cos she might be moving in here.

I don't think so.

What about the mice?

What are you going to do about the mice?

We're not here about the mice.

We don't know anything about them.

They're taking over!

I can hear them whispering and plotting in the walls.

OK. Well, maybe speak to...

Shh!

Well, the thing is... Shh! Listen!

OK.

I mean, I can't actually hear anything at the minute but...

Go to your room, Louise.

I put the traps down last night.

Bye, Louise. Sorry that I couldn't help.

But, um...

..the clock is nice, in't it, Mum? It's...

..you know.

Big window that, in't it?

And do you know what? That's a lovely view.

If you look just straight ahead and you don't look down,

it's actually quite calming.

APPROACHING SIRENS Yeah.

WAILING

It's not quite right, is it?

I know, it's not ideal.

Ideal?!

I'd have a housemate who thinks the mice are plotting against her.

To be fair, she'd be the sanest one there...

..including security.

I want me own place, Bob.

I've been drug-free for over two years.

I'm taking me medication.

I've started art therapy.

I've got a bedtime, I pair me socks, I knit.

I'm practically Jessica-fucking-Fletcher,

for fuck's sake!

I've had me own flat before.

But you lost it, Lin.

You got yourself in a situation that means that we...

How dare you!

It wasn't my fault!

You have no idea what I went through. None of you do!

You hit rock bottom, and they fuck you while you're down there.

No-one is kind or fair to people like me!

I'm a...I'm a bottom feeder, swimming in a sea of cunts.

Like a great big piece of cod

or the Little bloody Mermaid, who's swimming around with no voice

and just a couple of shells trying to cover up her ample bosom,

because some fucking octopus has taken her voice away

and shoved it up a prince's arse somewhere!

And how do you think that makes me feel?

It makes me feel like a big fucking piece of cod!

I never know whether to laugh or cry at these rants.

There's a bizarre logic to 'em.

It all went wrong for Mum,

when the Government brought in the point-scoring system for disability.

She was assessed on whether she was fit for work...

..not by a doctor but by this bloke.

HE COUGHS

After Mum failed her disability assessment,

she found other income streams.

Then Mum's nurse visits got cut.

They closed the local clinics,

so she had to get two buses for her anti-psychotic injection.

The bus isn't fun at the best of times,

never mind when you're adamantly convinced

you're trapped in an oven at the other side of the universe.

FLAMES ROAR AND CRACKLE It's too hot!

So she took her medicinal needs into her own hands again...

Tracy!

..and she didn't have to go far.

Give us a borrow till next Tuesday, will you?

Yeah.

It's safe to say she got herself in a bit of a pickle from there.

She got sent down for six months

and lost her council flat in the process.

Lin, can I level with you?

Over 5,000 people are homeless in Greater Manchester.

Over 80,000 are still waiting for social housing.

We're living in a Boom and Crisis paradox

and you're a known arsonist, Lin.

In all honesty, it's not likely you'll ever get a flat

completely to yourself again.

So what are her options?

As I said, at this stage...

..family or hostel.

Right.

I can't stand Bob.

Condescending twat.

"You've got yourself in this situation, Lin.

"We couldn't let you live on your own, Lin."

Yeah.

He is a twat and all.

"You're not really God, you know.

"It's important you recognise that, Alan."

One of my biggest mistakes, him.

Mm, prick.

I can't stay here, Alma.

Please!

Please, get me out of this guinea pig farm.

The smells, they all blob together and make me feel ill and the...

Urgh, that prick's here again!

I'm off.

Hiya, Jesus.

Peace be with you.

Never have a son.

Five, six, seven...

OK, ladies. It's sexy-sassy time!

Oh, lovely arms, Leanne.

Alma, we'll have no angry crab this week, please.

She's always picking on me, Cheryl.

Wiggle them hips, love.

She knows.

That's it. Round in a circle.

You know what a circle is, don't you, Alma?

Alma, you can't have your mam live with you.

That's an absolute terrible idea.

Alma, you're flailing.

Well, I've run out of options.

You should've seen the hostel!

Come on, sexy as me. Come on. Give it some.

Oh, Alma. It's like teaching a fridge how to dance.

Will you stop heckling me, Cheryl?!

It's very demoralising!

You know, I'm doing my best sassy run forward

and you keep shouting, "Oh, you're a crab! Oh, you're a fridge!"

Well, you're not so good yourself since your hysterectomy.

MUSIC: Starlight by Raya Max

Hello?

OK, not doing hellos.

This is a bit fancy, in't it?

What do you do, then?

Property developer.

I built this place,

and those two over there.

It's going to be gorgeous when I'm done.

It'll be just like London.

Just need to get rid of that cluster of druggies and the homeless.

Right.

So I'd like you to be quite assertive with me, please.

I've been quite naughty today.

Right, OK.

Right, OK, so...

..so you've been quite naughty, have you?

Very naughty.

You've been very naughty?

Right, so we might need to spank you, mightn't we?

Yes, I, er...

..think we might.

Wow. We'd better whip your trousers off then, hadn't we, you naughty...?

Little boy. Little boy.

Very naughty little boy.

I have been naughty, haven't I, Mummy?

"M-Mummy"?

Yes, you've been a very naughty boy.

And Mummy's very angry with naughty boy.

Very naughty boy. Mummy is very angry with naughty boy!

Mummy!

Very naughty indeed.

INCREASINGLY ANGRY: Building all the fancy flats...

..for the millionaires!

No social housing for any other fucker!

Naughty boy! Naughty, naughty boy!

TEARFULLY: I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Here you go, mate.

I've just spanked an adult man for that money. Enjoy.

MUSIC: Anything I Do By CLiQ

KNOCK AT DOOR

I'm not coming to the door, Edna.

The music is at medium level and I'm being very light-footed on my feet.

I'm like a feather up here.

It's me, Anthony. Come to the door.

KNOCKS AGAIN

TURNS MUSIC OFF

Come on, Alma.

Shit.

Er, just... Just a second.

Fucking hell.

Hello, can I help you?

Bloody hell, what is that?

What?

What? That on your fucking... on your lip.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, I was supposed to take this off ages ago.

Oh, God.

Ah! Fucking hell! Oh! Oh!

It burns! Jesus Christ. It really burns.

Oh... Oh, my God. Thank God.

Oh, thank God for that.

What's all this, then?

It's my to-do list.

"Start tap-dancing," and "Become a global mega-star."

Big to-do list, innit?

Yes, it is.

Listen, I know why you're here.

If you think you can come crawling back...

Fuck off, right? Cos I'm not here for that.

Good.

It's Rachel.

She doing my head in.

Can't arsed be with her.

Who's this Phil bloke you've been showing off about, then?

None of your business.

Oh. He's dumped you already, has he? No.

No, I'm just, you know, I'm keeping my options open.

Playing the field.

I'm single and I'm ready to mingle.

Oh, single and ready to mingle?

I wouldn't be using that phrase again. It's not 1995.

What are you doing here anyway?

Right, well, how would you like to go

and grab a cheeky little ye olde pasty, hey, with...?

KNOCK AT DOOR Ooh.

Did you just chuck these dirty knickers

in a pizza box into my garden?

No, I did not, Edna.

And, to be quite honest, I'm insulted by the accusation.

Well, it came from your window.

Goodbye, Edna.

She's still alive, then.

Yeah.

RAPID KNOCKING

BOTH: Piss off, Edna!

Hey, you're looking good.

You know, a bit like Bagpuss, but, you know, looking good.

I think it's my nose. Hm?

Why I always look good.

I've got a very beautiful and disarming nose.

You what?

Well, it goes up at the end here, right, which is silly really.

But the silliness relaxes and entertains people,

whilst also being very striking.

Bloody hell!

You've got a lot of opinions on your nose, haven't you?

Like a bloody QVC demonstration, that.

What about my nose?

It's all right, but it wouldn't sell on QVC. That's bollocks.

That, right, would sell way better than your nose.

Don't think so. Hey. Look. Look. Look at that.

Handsome bastard. As if! Feel it.

Unbelievable that. Not that incredible.

Oh, flat's looking good.

Mm-hm. Thank you. Yeah.

Yeah. Bit mad. You know, like living in a disco ball.

But it's...it's very, very you, in't it?

Yeah, it is very me.

Having said that, it might not be for much longer.

My mum's section's been lifted.

She's nowhere to go, so she might be moving in with me.

Alma, no.

Fuck that. Why?

You can't do that. It'll fuck your life up.

Yeah, I know what you mean. You'll end up a full-time carer.

Yeah, but... Right, and she's going to have all her dodgy mates round

all the time, like that woman who nicks spoons.

She'll be round, robbing the cutlery drawer.

And the alcoholic who pretends to be a priest,

he'll be round to ear-fuck the shit out of you.

You're too soft.

You were too soft wi' me but at least my mates only did coke.

No offence, right,

but your mum, she needs to be with someone who takes no shit.

What about your grandma? She's a dragon of a woman.

Might be an option. Mm.

Absolutely no way.

Well, I think you'd benefit from the company.

You said you wanted a pet.

I want a Cocker Spaniel, Alma.

Why can't she just get another flat?

It's not that easy any more.

Anyway, they won't let her live on her own without supervision.

Well, that's what the district nurses are for.

That's been cut. Oh, I see.

So...the Government have given up, so she's back to being my problem?

Well, she's not a problem any more, is she?

She's really straightened out.

She's even got her bennies sorted, so she won't nick your fags.

Oh, great. So I pay my taxes so your mum and Jim can laze about.

Jim's not lazing about, is he? He's got eight personalities.

He's knackered. Well, then why don't you take her, Alma,

if she's such a fucking ray of sunshine?

You said recently that you were bored

and you wanted something to do.

I meant something like...jewellery making or learning to canoe.

Canoe? Not taking in a toothless, drug-addicted arsonist.

Well...what else can we do, Grandma?

There's absolutely no options. It's me or you.

I know that's shit and I am sorry,

but I do genuinely think that my mum is doing great

and she deserves a second chance.

I'm sorry to ask, but you know my flat is tiny.

My house in't much bigger.

It's all right here, in't it?

Big enough for you two. She's only small, Mum.

Yeah, so was Napoleon.

Oh, I see the whole motley crew are here.

Delightful.

Piss off, Sandra. Hello.

What are they? Oh, no. You can't bring them in.

Look, me paintings are non-negotiable, Mum.

Hello.

What's he doing here?

Well, I forgot to say. I told him he could come too.

What are you talking about? No. That wasn't part of the plan.

He hates his hostel and he likes the idea of being at yours

with his own kettle.

Brought me own.

Mum, you should've asked. You won't even know he's here.

You hardly speak, do you, Jim?

Not really, no.

OK.

Fine.

But let's just get a few things straight before you come in.

Right? I'm telling you now,

I won't be taking any of the usual shit off anyone.

You fuck up, Lin, and you're out.

Right? I will not be harassed by police,

I will not be interrogated and analysed by social workers

and I will not be held responsible for your actions.

Understood? Fine.

And I want me own space.

I don't want to have to look at your scaley-dragon-face before noon,

is that OK?

I just want me kettle.

Right. Come in.