Original subtitles

He was my friend. I should have been there.

I wouldn't have got in the way.

Gordon wanted to attend the cremation.

Really?It's an event!

Well, why didn't you, then?

Kenny went to Murdo's and he found it disturbing -

the coffin sliding away to the furnace...2,000 degrees.

He said when his moment came,

he didn't want folks watching. Abby insisted we respect that.

You were there when they buried the ashes.Cremains!What?

The stuff they bury - cremains.

After they've burned the corpse, they cool what's left and pulverise it in a blender.

You'd be amazed how little there's left...

Where was I? Oh, aye...

They crunch up what's left. Walk off with about £5 -

about the same as a family-sized chicken.You know a lot about this stuff.I'm interested.

Just can't believe Kenny's dad didn't turn up. You tried ringing again?

No answer.

Be a terrible thing to see your own child buried. Maybe Terry couldn't face it.

Didn't sound like that when we spoke last week. Said he'd spend time with Abby and the kids.

I just can't believe none of his old mates made the effort.

You called them all?They said they'd come. Apart from the lad having his appendix out on the 27th.

Figured he wouldn't make it back in time for the operation.Why not?

Hmm?If it was on the 27th, why wouldn't he make it back in time?

What date did you tell them... for the funeral?Today's date.

Which is?

It was an honest mistake! Malcolm usually gets his feed delivered on a Friday.

This week it was a Tuesday. Threw me off a couple of days.

So, you could say it was Malcolm's fault.

I think we should be charitable.

I mean, Terry thinks the burial is the day after tomorrow.

He might not even be in Portree yet. It could be a wasted journey.

STARTS ENGINE And what if he IS there?

I mean, what'll I say to him?

Tell him he didn't get to bid a final farewell to his only son

because Malcolm changed his feed delivery.Sounds bad like that.

You think of a way that doesn't sound bad.

Won't you come with me? I won't charge the full fare.Goodbye.

You know what the minister said?

About heaven having rivers and wine, and that? Yeah.

Kenny doesn't like wine. He likes lager.

You been taking stupid pills?

It's a place where you can have anything you want. Wine, lager...

Except it's rubbish. It doesn't even exist.

It does! No, it doesn't!

Kenny's up there in a box, under four foot of mud. No wine, no lager...nothing.

His roll-ups. He asked me to hide 'em.

Prove he wasn't addicted.

Only lasted an hour. I still wouldn't tell him.

Anyway...

Abby? That's Terry here...

..for the funeral.

Oh, Terry...

It's all right, it's all right. I'm so sorry.Aye.

For the tragic loss of your son. And the funeral...The funeral...

We're all sorry...that it won't be what you're used to in London.

But we'll do our best.

Yeah, course...You go upstairs and get yourself settled and... I'll put the kettle on.Thanks.

Gordon!

You didn't tell him? No, I tried... I tried awful hard.

Thanks! Now I've got to tell him. I was doing fine, chatting about the weather.

Then I got round to Kenny.

I was about to pounce, then he told me about his mother's magic eye.

His WHAT?You had to be there. No man could have gone through with it.

I was just looking for the kids. You've not sold them, have you?

They've nipped down to the beach. Ask him about it. You'll see.

What?Your mother's magic eye. Abby wanted to ask you about it.

Oh... Yeah, yeah.

It was when Kenny was about three or four - his mum and me were still together.

He kept waking up at night.

He was scared of the dark. He'd never done it before.

He started seeing ghosts and shadows. Then my old mum...

..she come up with this solution... The magic eye!Yeah.

It was...

It was her engagement ring.

She called it her magic eye.

And she said, "If you put it on the bedside table,

"I can watch over you when you're asleep. You'll be OK."

He slept like a baby after that.

Sapphire?

It's beautiful.Yeah...

I'd like...

I'd like to put that in the urn.

Bury it with him.

It made him feel safe... Looked after.

Just want him to have it.

I said I thought it was a grand idea.

RAEBURN!

Oh! Jeez! Idle hands do the devil's work!

You been practising?Good, eh? I thought the old toerag was back.

What you up to? Trip down memory lane?Yeah, it's weird.

My name's scratched on this desk, and I can't remember doing it.

That's no' your desk. That's yours there.

My name's all over it. Are you acting the goat? That's Fiona Scott's desk.So?

You really don't know? Well, Fiona fancied you something chronic.

She did not!Aye, she did.

How do you know?Everybody knew. Well,Inever knew!

She was a good-looking girl.

I know!

Oh...! Fiona Scott, eh?

And how about you, eh? Four kids? Yeah. yeah. You like being a dad, eh?

Oh, yeah. There's nothing like it.

I mean, screw up at work, they fire you.

Screw up as a husband, they divorce you.

But screw up as a dad... You're it.

These innocent, wee creatures, and you're it.

Their one and only dad, no matter what.

You can't put it off any longer. Poor man has to find out some time. You should have heard him, Mary.

He needs to do right by Kenny. He needs some sort of closure.

That ring's how he plans to do it.

He came for a funeral. Let's give him one.Mm?

We tell folk to keep shtoom about this morning, organise a rerun for Wednesday.A rerun?

Aunt Libby's vase looks like an urn. Bury it. Terry'll never know the difference.

Have you taken leave of your senses? I don't think so.

Abby, tell him to stop talking such nonsense!

Kenny once said a lie is only as bad as the reason you tell it.

And he was an expert.

Abby, this isn't just a lie... It's...it's blasphemy!

Oh, please! And I want nothing to do with it.

But you won't tell him...?

Will you?

BABY CRIES

Is that...normal?

You no' meant to use clippers or something?It's easier this way.

There's less chance of hurting her.

Right.

And other people do it, yeah?

Other mothers?That's right.

Right. I-I just...

She's hell of a moany today.

You do the other hand and I'll try her with a bottle.

Eh... I don't think so... You'll be fine.

I need to go.

You can take that look off your face. He's YOUR relation, not mine.

The Raeburn Hotel has rooms available. And Mr Raeburn himself will be there to greet you.

What's going on?Friends of Kenny's up from London...for the funeral.

You've been told...? Aye, I won't say a word.

The Raeburn Hotel is the place to stay...just over there.

He'll never have room for them all.

I can't send them to Abby... Malcolm could take a couple. How about you? Could do with the cash.

Bunch of dropouts. Apart from him.

Aye, he'll do. Send him up.

A man on his own, Marjorie. Is it wise?It was YOUR idea.

There's as much hot water as you like and plenty of clean towels.

What a delightful room. Thank you. Pleasure, Mr Mead.

Roger, please. Oh, well... I-I'm Marjorie.

The pearl.I'm sorry?

Your name - it means pearl. I... Really? I didn't know that.

Well... I'll let you settle in.

Just give me a shout if you need anything.

Brilliant! Ah, you like fried bread?

It's Piccadilly Pizza!

Kenny made it for my birthday. Piccadilly Pizza...

That's right. I want mine quattro stagioni.

Right. That's with...um...

Cheese.

Cheese. Ketchup. That's right...

Marmite...

Marmite... And banana.

Banana?

Isn't that how YOU make it?

Course. No problem.

Alfie.

Dad's made Piccadilly Pizza! Fried bread.

Nonsense.

Someone gave it an idiot name.

Well, as long as it tastes good.

Tastes like puke!

What did you say? I'm not hungry.

Finish your food.

You can't tell me what to do! Finish your food!

What's going on?

Nothing. Alfie's just going to finish his meal.

I want to go upstairs.

You'll finish your food first.

Go on.

He's taking it hard.

You just mix the ricotta and the spinach together,

just like that.

Squish it through your fingers. Ah, right.

That's it. Squish it all together! Oh! Oh, I see.

Marjorie?Oh, Gordon! Parcel and a couple of letters.

Thanks. Roger... Mr Mead... was just teaching me a new recipe.

Was he?He's about to stuff my cannelloni, if you'd like to watch.

1,000 individually-wrapped portions of salad cream.

Thank you, Gordon.Aye.

Something's troubling you. You can tell?It's a gift.

Ah... Are you wanting to talk about it?

No, I wouldn't...Good. Did you talk to the minister?What about?

Kenny's funeral.Of course I didn't! He's hardly going to approve of us burying him twice.

Do you not think our English guests might find it odd? A funeral with no clergyman?

I'll leave it with you, then.

Mum says I have to apologise.

For being rude about the fried bread.

How about we do something?

We could go fishing.

Like Kenny?

Sorry for being rude about the fried bread.

No restaurants. No cinema.

There's no wee place to get your nails done on a Tuesday.

Peaceful, though.

Plenty of fresh air.Mm.

And another thing... Where's Dougie?

He was here a wee while ago.It was about an hour and three-quarters.

Yeah?Well, it's almost two hours since we've seen our son,

and we haven't a clue where he is.

Are you worried?No.Neither am I!

Hello!Hello, there.

Cricket, eh? Uh-huh. Do you disapprove?

Not at all. No, it's good they learn about foreign cultures.

As long as they know about their own.Here we go.

Thought it was too good to be true.

Hey, what's going on?

Tea?Why not.

Aye. It's a fine game, cricket. Stop it!

They play it at school. Baseball too, I imagine.

Possibly.And what about shinty? Do they squeeze any of that in?

I'm not sure.Aye, maybe not.

It's too parochial for the big city.Gie us a break!

You always make out I'm some kind of traitor for leaving the island.

As if anyone who doesn't live here forfeits the right to care.We were talking about sport.Aye. Right.

And since when were you interested in shinty?I've always been interested!Really?

Name a team.Um...

Kingussie!

Name another!

Shite!

Alfie apologised, did he?Yeah.

Good.It's just...

What?Wasn't really looking for an apology from him.

What does that mean?

You were out of order.

I was putting him straight and you interfered.What gives you the right?I'm his father.

You'll be his father... whenIsay you are.

INAUDIBLE

Hello?Hello.

I was wanting a word.All right.

Would you be available for a funeral? For a friend of mine?

He's dead.Was your friend Catholic?

Hard to tell.

He was English.

There any way you could find out?

Well, you see... whether he was or he wasn't,

we'd still like you to do the business. It's a sensitive matter and also rather urgent.

Mm.

You mind me asking why it's so important

for ME to perform the ceremony?

The Free Church might frighten the London folk.

And the minister's already buried my friend once,

so we didn't want to ask him again.

Would you look at that!

Aye.

That copper must be worth a bob or two.

Look... The lyne pipe.

Uh-huh.They reckon every wee bump affected the taste,

so whenever they replaced the old pipe with a new one,

they'd whack it to match it exactly.

Is that right? You're not convinced?

You seem to know a lot about this stuff. Wee hobby. Keeps me out of trouble.

It's a hobby of mine too - whisky.

Never kept ME out of trouble, though.

I love this old place. At least there's something about the island you're fond of.

You going to start on me again? Start what?

Forget it.

Alfie? I want to show you something. Won't take long.

Is this it?Yeah.

The sky?Yeah, that's it. I've seen it before.

OK, you've seen it before.

But have you REALLY seen it? That's a Kenny question.Is it?

Yeah. "You've seen it, but have you REALLY seen it?"

Then there'll probably be a moral,

like it's not what you do, it's the way that you do it,

or cos a girl's fat, doesn't mean that she's ugly.

So, what is the moral?

What do you think it is?

Something like...Kenny's not dead, as long as we all remember him.

Sounds good.

Don't know how you tie it in with the sky.

Well...

Cos it's infinite, isn't it? Never-ending.

Sort of.

Not very good at this, are you?

Anyone tried to get the water going again?No point.

Have you lost your key? Didn't want to intrude.

On what?Anything.

Roger out, is he?Aye. How were the cannellini?

Cannell-ONI. They were fine.

Well-stuffed, I hope?Is there something you're wanting to say?

I've never stuffed a cannellini, Marjorie...never even ate one.

I'm an island man and proud of it. Anything else?

No, that's all, I think.

I'll be going, then.Right.

Right.

It's yourself!Aye, who else would it be?Right enough.

I...um...passed the shop earlier. Oh, aye?

There was a letter.

Peter's a lot better. Cold's cleared up. Misses us, though.

Ida's put a photo on the wall - all four of us.

And the rest is... Well, you know...

Aye.

Photo on the wall, eh? That's a nice thing.

What is it?

Eh?

You not wanting to say something?

There's another letter.

Oh, aye?

Hey.

I'm sorry about...Aye.

Me and him had the same problem. What you talking about?

You see... I was never enough for you.

But neither was he.

Together, though, me and Kenny made the perfect husband.

Robbie, I...

No, it's true. Even in London, when we were together.

I was enough as long as you had him too.

Now he's gone and died on me.

Left me...

..a half a husband.

Me - half a husband...

..and you half a widow.

What is an "OC", anyway?QC.

It's a kinda...fancy lawyer. Is that all?

We can get lawyers too.

He's made a big mistake this time - eh, Malcolm?

Threatening YOU like that. So what if Peter IS his son?

Ida's his mother. And she wants him to stay right here!

Colin...

Peter's father's saying if Ida doesn't bring him back,

he'll go to his country's police and tell them she did things...

Stole stuff.She never!

He might get folk back there to lie about her, and if they do,

the police in this country might send her back,

and she could end up in jail. And that way we lose Peter AND Ida.

Shows you what a fool the man is!

How?Riling Malcolm Campbell. Anyone round here can tell him...

That's a...menu for disaster!

HE PLAYS ROMANTIC TUNE

Very...accomplished.

Bit rusty.

I don't play as much as I used to.

What is it you do yourself?I'm a stockbroker.A married stockbroker?

No.Still, lots of lady friends, I imagine.

Gentleman like yourself.I do OK. I've just the one, myself.

Marjorie, as it happens. That's a coincidence, isn't it?

You having lots of girlfriends, me just the one.Been together long? Could say that.Kids?

No.

Ah...What do you mean by that?

I beg your pardon?

You said, "Ah."I didn't mean anything.

I've got no problem in the trouser department!No.

In fact... Marjorie's with child, as we speak.Well...

Congratulations, you're a very lucky man.Aye.

You'll keep this to yourself though, eh? She doesn't know yet.

Marjorie?

Heather.

Oh, yes...of course. Mum's the word!

Aye.

So, you and Kenny? Good mates, were you?Aye.

I was the one he came to for those man-to-man things.

I suppose you knew each other through music?

Not really, no. I...ran him over.

WHAT?Nothing serious - I was driving slowly. Except I was on the pavement instead of the road.

Why were you on the pavement?

I'm the soul of discretion. I'm known for it.

I was out of my head. I couldn't walk, let alone drive.Drunk?

Booze - heroin, mainly - coke...

Anything I could stick in a vein or shove up my nose.

He got up and came over effing and blinding. I thought he'd thump me.

But he didn't. I must have been a sad sight.

What DID he do?Looked after me for a couple of days,

then put me in touch with mates of his who'd been through it.

If I hadn't run him over, I'd be dead.

This is between us, yes?

Folks can...get funny.

It's what I'm known for.

Alfie! Come on, it's going to get cold.

You all right?

You always learn things when it's too late, don't you?

That's Kenny there, with the ball, when he was about 12.

That bloke in the corner with the anorak.

Is that you?I wanted him and me in the same picture.

Got a mate of mine to take it. Kenny didn't know I was there.

I knew where he lived. I could have gone and told him the truth.

Told him that I was his dad and that I loved him.

I thought about it - thought about it every day.

But it's easier to put things off, isn't it?

Hide the truth...one more day. Just one more day.

Then suddenly, you've hidden it for 30 years,

and your son's a stranger.

That's the trouble with lies, isn't it?

So easy at the time,

but in the long run...

Oh, listen to me. Sorry!No.

Terry...

Yeah?

Nothing.

Right, I better go and get myself sorted out.

We buried him already!

Gordon got the date wrong.

We buried his ashes on Monday.

It was a lie to make YOU feel better and to make US feel better.

I'm so sorry.

There you go, there you go... Sh, sh...

Hi.

I wanted to apologise for the other day. For rushing off like that.

Right.

It's not very helpful of me.

Are you coming to the funeral?I don't think so. Send my apologies.

Would you like me to stay with her? Do you good to get out the house. Would you manage?

What's the worst that could happen?

SALSA MUSIC PLAYS Pan craft - that's the secret.

Roll it round, roll it thin.

Pan craft.They're very nice.

Morning.

Yep...Everything all right?

Fine. Especially the music.

It really gets us in the mood for a funeral.

She's got a lot on her mind.

Yes, of course... Here. SWITCHES MUSIC OFF

Try this one with the lemon. I shouldn't.Go on!

No, really... It's all natural ingredients.

And it'll give you an excuse for looking a bit tubby!

What you doing?Thinking.

What about you?Been thinking too. What about?

Kenny.

It's not fair how someone can just disappear like that.

Without saying goodbye or anything.

But then I realised... Wasn't his fault, was it?

I mean, he didn't want to die.

It just...just happened.

I was still mad, but this time I was mad at myself for not saying goodbye properly when...

I just...It's all right, it's all right.

She told me.

And then I... When Mum said it wasn't too late,

I figured I'd write him a letter.

Tell him all the things I wanted to tell him.

How I miss him.

So, I did.

But I didn't know where to put it.

And then I was thinking about the ring that you wanted to give him,

and how much he would like it... cosIwould.

Then I though it wouldn't be fair - not to do it properly.

Then I found the answer but I knew if I asked they wouldn't let me.

So, I just...What?

I dug him up.

I'm not in trouble, am I?

No, no, no...

Means I get to say goodbye, after all.It's all right.

It's all right... Sh...

Your door was open, I just...

Well, I heard about, um... Aye. Well, you see, the thing is...

Did I mention I spoke to the priest in Portree? Lovely chap.

Very Christian. Couldn't help us.

I went through the Yellow Pages.

"Religious Organisations" - you'd be amazed how many there are.

Nothing?

Good!Aren't you changed, yet?

We said we'd be there soon.

I've been looking at Kenny's photographs.

There's not one of them, apart from his school photograph, where he's wearing a tie.

Not one where he's wearing a suit.

And not one where his hair isn't a ridiculous mess.

And that includes the school photograph.

So, why on the day we're supposed to be celebrating his life, do we wear clothes he didn't like,

say prayers he didn't believe in, sing songs he didn't know?

I mean, who is it all for, anyway?

Who we trying to impress?

You're right.

Can I can wear my trainers? Yes.

And my jeans?Yes. And I tell you something else,

we're not putting him in that miserable graveyard.

It gave him the creeps.Well, where?

I'll show you.

What do you reckon?

Yeah.I think so too.

This is it!

Right here, Gordon.

Right here.

It's only ashes. It's not like he dug up a body.

It was consecrated ground. It's done now.

At least Terry gets to say a proper goodbye.

I was never comfortable with yon deception.

I'd just like to thank everyone for coming today.

Especially those that have come twice.

Kenny was one of the kindest, loveliest people I've ever met.

And it breaks my heart that he's gone.

And I love him, and I'll never forget him.

But I'm so glad that I can come and visit him here on this hill.

Under the sky that he loved so much.

He'll be gagging for a smoke.

Terry...

He's not scared any more.

All he ever worried about were you and the kids.

This way he gets to keep his eye on you.

Ah...you're kidding!

Well, there's a sight you don't see every day.What?

A bottle of Ronansay - 18-year-old.

So?Weren't supposed to be any left.

Well... I guess it was the second-last.

Not going to open it, are you, Douglas?I'm a lucky man, Malcolm.

My family are all under one roof. All safe and well.

If ever there was an occasion to celebrate, this is it.Yeah.

To Kenny... You'll be missed.

And to all of you here. May your glass be ever full, may your roof be ever strong,

and may you be in heaven before the devil knows you're gone.

Slainte!

Slainte!

When I was born, my father wet the baby's head with a bottle of this.

Two or three bottles, more likely.

And when you were born.And with mine.No wonder you ran out!

Maybe as well this is the last.

There'll be no more baby's heads to wet here.

Don't be so sure.

We're selling the house.

Get enough to buy the old distillery and carry us through for a couple of years.

You're moving back? Hamish, that's...

How will you ever get that old place up and running?

Don't know. But we'll have some Ronansay for your first great-grandchild.

If you don't live that long,

we can drink it at your wake.

What?

You're sure you won't have one? I made them fresh.I'm fine, thanks.

It's a question of a moral nature. Hypothetical.

Go ahead.

Right. It involves a chap who holds a lady in some regard.

He has feelings towards her of... an affectionate nature.

Along comes another, younger chap. Some might say more presentable...

..in yon shallow, city kind of way.

Has what the French call a certain je m'appelle,

if you know what I mean.I think so.

Now, the lady seems quite taken with the second chap.

And the first chap isn't very pleased.

But he's found something out. Something the lady wouldn't like if she knew about it.

Blow the fancy city boy out the water, so to speak.

Right.Well, my question is...

..would it be wrong for the first chap to tell the lady what he knows?

Would it be un-Christian?Should the woman know for her own safety?

Not really.

So, it's purely a tactical move?

Aye.

Which involves breaking a confidence?

Might do.

Only a good man would worry

about what to do

in this type of situation.

A bad man? He wouldn't think twice.

Now...

..if our chap IS a good man,

and he IS worrying about it...

..then his own conscience will answer his question.

Seems to me bad men are at an advantage.

That's why they get all the girls.

Alistair?

Alistair?

ALISTAIR?

Argh!

You're not doing it right.

No?

Why don't you show me?

Not allowed.

Says who?

Mum.

Well, I'm your dad.

Very impressive. It's easy.

No, it was my mother insisted we all learn to cook.

Well, I'm sorry to be a wimp but I'm going to have an early night.

I'll see you in the morning. Goodnight.Goodnight.

May I?

Aye.

Marjorie, there's something you need to know.

Oh, aye?About your friend - Mr Mead.

What's that, then?

It's, uh... You see...

He's a stockbroker.

I know. Owns his own firm.

Does he?

Aye.

Well, that's...that's great.

What's up your nose? There's nothing up MY nose!

Yes, there is. Has been since he arrived.

I don't blame you, Marjorie. I'm a simple island man.

Porridge and socks, as my mother used to say.

I'll not stand in your way.

I don't fancy him.Yes, you do!

No, I don't.

What about the cannellini? Cannelloni. They were delicious.

And the piano playing? He's very good.Well, then!

You think a plate of pasta

and a tinkle on the ivories is enough to get my engine running?

I thought...Even if it was, I'll not dump the father of my baby.

He TOLD you?

That worthless, no good... That was a secret! Man to man!

It's was lie, is what it was.

That's not the point!

That's me in serious trouble, then?

You certainly ought to be, but you know...

..I find it endearing in a sort of pathetic, desperate kind of a way.

That's how I see it too!

I suppose, deep down,

I'm a porridge and socks sort of girl myself, Gordon MacPhee.

So, why don't you take me home

while I can still smell the sea in your hair?

Hi. How about a nightcap? Um, yeah, yeah.

Can't offer the good stuff, though.

Aye... Anything at all, thanks.

Did you see Gordon?Yeah, I did, yeah...There was a letter.

Good news, I hope.

New York?Yeah.

Good money?It's totally out the blue. I'd no idea they were even considering me for it.

I'm so sorry, Dad. Sh... You go with my blessing.

You deserve it.

I'm proud of you.

There's more pirates hidden behind the crates.

Peter swings back onto the boat and pulls out his sword.

He shoves Wendy behind him and fights off Hook's men.

"Stay there!" he shouts. But she can't help being nosy.

Peeps out to see what's going on.

She slips and falls over the side,

and the sharks tear her apart like she's a chicken sandwich.

The water turns red which brings even more sharks.

Soon, all that's left of her

is a shoe bobbing up and down in the sea.

Silly muppet. One more.

All right!

Snow White And The Seven Cannibals.

Right, Snow White's walking through the forest,

but little does she know,

she's being followed by seven pairs of eyes.

Seven pairs of yellow, bloodshot eyes...

Subtitles by Red Bee Media