Original subtitles

Previously on Two and a Half Men: I don't want to get a divorce.

Why we got to get a divorce?

Because I have grown up

and you are still the same guy you were at 19.

No, that is not true.

I got a lot more money now.

Not about what you have; it's about who you are.

Oh.

Well, I'm pretty much the same guy.

Great news, Alan.

Berta has agreed to be my live-in housekeeper.

Yeah, he talked me into it.

I wonder what his sweat tastes like.

Time for me to go.

Wait.

Come here.

Give us a hug good-bye.

I'm taking your room, Zippy.

You saved my butt back there.

I owe you big time.

If there is anything that you need,

any way I can help you...

Well, really uncomfortable living at my mom's.

Um, do you think I could stay here for a few days

till I find my own place?

Yeah, no problem.

I'm back.

Hello, room.

Did you miss me?

Whoa! Whoa!

What the hell are you doing here?

I live here. What the hell are you doing here?

Um, see, Berta's got my room now, so...

No. Yes.

No. It's just temporary.

I'm not sleeping with my dad.

What are we going to do, sleep on the same bed?

No, I'll get the air mattress out of the garage.

That you'll sleep on. No.

Yes. Yes! No.

(air hissing)

* Men.

Good morning.

Morning.

Where you been?

Little power walk on the beach.

Got to tell you, Zip,

I can see why your brother couldn't get you

out of this house with the jaws of life.

Malibu is the greatest place

to wake up in the morning.

I'm glad you're enjoying my room.

Alan, I say this with love.

It was never your room.

Morning.

Ah... did I miss our power walk?

I tried to cuddle you awake,

but you weren't interested. Oh.

So, Alan, how's the house hunting coming?

Oh, still looking. Uh, not a lot available.

Maybe that's 'cause you're looking in the sports section.

Well, don't worry.

You can stay here as long as you need to.

Aw!

Oh, just a... a few more days.

Maybe a week tops.

Aw.

Hey, uh, listen, Walden, um, while I am here,

I was wondering how you would feel

about me having an overnight guest.

Aw.

I thought you were the overnight guest.

(laughing)

Your wit is only exceeded by your generosity.

Um, the thing is,

I'm having dinner tonight with this woman

I used to be in a relationship with.

And I don't know how things are going to play out,

but if they go well, I'd like to bring her back here

and, uh, you know...

reconcile.

Is she homeless, too?

Oh, oh, no, no, it-it's just that she has a teenage son,

and I'm not really keen on him hearing us, you know...

reconcile.

But it's okay for me to hear you?

Oh, don't worry, we'll be quiet.

And quick.

It's true. That's why she calls me Zippy.

I guess it's okay.

I sure wish I could reconcile with Bridget.

Oh, give her some time.

Took Lyndsey months to forgive me.

What'd she have to forgive you for?

Oh... I, uh... I called her a slut

because, uh, I thought she was sleeping with my brother,

uh, and I, uh... I accidentally burned down her house.

Well, not in that order.

Anyway, thanks so much.

He is going to move out at some point, right?

You are so cute.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

I was so sorry to hear about your brother.

Yeah, yeah, very sad.

He fell in front of a train?

Uh, fell, pushed, jumped.

Whatever the verb, the end result was Charlie tartare.

That's horrible.

Yeah.

And we had to sell the house in Malibu.

So where are you living?

The house in Malibu.

Wait, what?

Oh, it's actually a funny story.

Um, the fellow who bought it

is this incredibly rich Internet guy

who's going through a bad divorce,

and he's lonely, he needs a friend,

so he asked me to stick around for a while.

What's the funny part?

He actually thinks I'm going to leave someday.

So, uh, how's things? How's Eldridge?

Let's not ruin the evening by talking about our children.

(chuckles) Agreed.

I have missed you.

I've missed you, too.

Can you ever forgive me for being such an idiot?

Let's not ruin the evening

by talking about what an idiot you were.

Good idea.

You know, I haven't slept with anybody since we broke up.

How about you?

You know what?

Let's not ruin the evening by talking.

* Men.

(knock at door)

I got it.

Hello, little girl.

Hi, big daddy. You got everything?

Hell, yeah.

Beer, bucket of drumsticks

and nine magic fingers.

(both laughing)

Let's go.

Uh, Berta?

What's going on?

What's it look like?

I'm going to get drunk, eat some chicken

and rock this old man's world.

(laughing)

I got ten fingers and a billion dollars,

and this guy's getting more action than me.

(chiming)

What now, Walden?

Nothing. I just wanted to say hi.

(sighs) Sweetheart, listen to me.

We're getting divorced.

You need to get some friends, get a life.

I don't want friends. I don't want a life.

I just want you.

What... what are you doing anyway?

Why... why are those people wearing masks?

I'm at a charity event for people without faces.

Are you at an orgy?

An orgy?

Don't be ridiculous.

What kind of charity has an orgy?

Bye.

BERTA: You know, a real gentleman

would've taken his poop before he came over.

(both giggling)

Hello!

Oh, I'm sorry. I-I didn't know you were still up.

You must be Walden. I'm Lyndsey.

Oh. Hi.

Okay, uh, everybody's met.

Time to hit the old sackaroo.

Don't be rude, Alan.

So, I understand you're going through a tough divorce.

Yeah, it's tough for me.

She's breezing through it with naked, faceless people.

Have you guys tried to work things out, go to therapy?

I offered. She's not interested.

Well, that's all you can do-- make the offer.

Lyndsey?

Hang on.

So what, you're just sitting around

feeling sorry for yourself?

No. Sometimes I lay down.

Sometimes I curl up in a ball.

See, he's fine.

Listen to me.

We just met, we don't know each other,

but you obviously have a lot going for you.

You're tall, good-looking,

very successful.

Believe me, women settle for a lot less.

And thank God for that.

You need to get out there and find somebody

who appreciates all that you have to offer.

I don't want anybody else.

That's just because you haven't found that special someone.

Believe me, somewhere out there is the perfect girl for you.

Who knows?

She could be sitting right in front of you.

Gee, I'd like to believe that.

So would I.

You know... you know, Lyndsey's right.

You need to go out and find Ms. Right.

I mean, in fact, you should get started immediately.

Now?

No, I was just gonna curl up in a ball.

Oh, come on. There's a great, big, wide world out there

full of beautiful, exciting, sexy people.

Where am I going to find them, a bar?

I am not going to a bar.

Hey, if you're looking for honey,

you got to go where the bees are.

(buzzing)

Forget it.

I am not going to a bar.

Hey, slick.

Where do you keep the plunger?

I am going to a bar.

* Men.

(both panting)

Whoa.

Hi-ho, Silver.

I didn't hurt you, did I?

A little, but I only need the one ball.

Boy, you really seemed like a different woman.

Well, you seemed like a different man.

(knock at door)

WALDEN: Hey, Alan?

Speak of the devil.

Hey. Am I interrupting?

No. Come in.

I just wanted to tell you that I found her.

Found who?

Ms. Right.

Really?

At a bar at... 12:30 on a Wednesday night?

Is she on a leash?

Woof.

* Men.

(Walden and Courtney grunting and moaning)

Isn't that the girl who almost married your brother?

Yep.

Didn't she go to jail

for being some kind of con artist?

Yep.

Doesn't it strike you

as an amazing coincidence

that she just ran into Walden?

Nope.

You have to warn him before he gets in too deep.

(Courtney whooping)

Sounds like he's already in too deep.

Who's my hungry boy?

Me.

Who's my naughty boy?

Me.

Who's going to get their bottom spanked after breakfast?

You.

(gasps)

You are so smart.

Open.

Sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt.

No, wait, Alan, come back.

We're just having breakfast.

Scrambled eggs and tongue. Nice.

Hey, Alan, I want to thank you.

If you hadn't made me go out last night,

I would have never met Courtney.

You're welcome, but I have a feeling one way or another

she would have found you.

Oh, wait, hey, you know what would be fun?

Whatever it is, I'll do it.

You are something else.

No, Walden, what would be fun?

Oh, right.

What I was gonna say is, why don't you and Lyndsey

and me and Courtney all go out for dinner?

Oh, gee, I'd have to check with Lyndsey.

Oh, come on, man, like a big fancy dinner.

It's sort of short notice.

My treat. We'll be there.

Alan, do you want to watch me and Walden having sex?

No, not particularly.

Then you'd better get out quick.

WALDEN: Hot diggity, that feels good!

I can't believe she's using I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

* Men.

Hello? Dad?

Oh, yay.

Hey, Courtney.

Jake, it's so good to see you.

You, too.

Oh, you've grown.

No, that's just my cell phone.

Jake, what are you doing here?

I just, uh...

came by to...

What?

Look, could you do me a favor and give us some privacy?

Yeah, sure. Can I have a good-bye hug?

Jake, go.

Way to block me, Dad.

So, Courtney.

So, Alan.

Where's Walden?

He's upstairs taking a nap.

Recharge the batteries?

The batteries are fine.

It's the flashlight that needs a rest.

What can I do for you?

I want you to leave Walden alone.

He's not ready for someone like you.

Someone like me?

What ever do you mean?

Someone who's creating a lifestyle

from finding wealthy men

and sponging off them as much as they can.

Gee, Alan, that sounds a lot like you.

What ever do you mean?

Eight years living off your brother,

sleeping on his fold-out couch.

Oh, leave it to you to spin it so I look bad.

See you at dinner, Alan.

Oh, I will see you at dinner all right, young lady.

* Men.

Ugh, gristle.

Aw, here honey, let me cut that fat away for you.

Thank you.

Bit of a fatty piece here myself.

Yeah, so?

Oh, you got a little schmutz.

Thank you.

So, looks like you two guys hit it off pretty quick.

What's the point of going slow?

When it's right, it's right.

And it is right, right? Right.

Hey, I finished my beans. Can I have dessert?

I am dessert.

Thank you.

WALDEN: Hey.

Hmm? You know what would be cool?

What? Move in with me.

Whoa, slow down, Walden.

Yeah, slow down, Walden. You just met her last night.

Yeah, but I want to be with her all the time.

Oh, baby, that is so sweet, but is there even room for me?

What about Alan?

Yeah, what about Alan?

But he's moving out, right?

Right.

I don't know. I'm not really the kind of girl

who just moves in with a guy after one night.

Please.

Okay.

Well, I guess I need to find a new place to live.

Yeah, good luck with that.

* Men.

Morning, Alan.

Morning.

Where's your little girlfriend?

She couldn't sleep, so she went home.

What was the problem?

I think it was hearing the third

"Hot diggity, that feels good!"

Oh, yeah, number three was a well-timed ice cube.

You think you've beaten me, don't you?

Alan, it was never a contest.

Of the two of us, only I can bring the "diggity."

(doorbell ringing)

Don't be so sure of yourself.

I may have a final card to play.

Well, unless that card is a vagina in your pocket,

I'm not particularly worried.

Oh, thanks for coming, Bridget.

Well, you said Walden was in trouble.

Hi, I'm the trouble Walden's been in. Repeatedly.

Uh, Courtney, this is Walden's wife Bridget.

Bridget, this is the "lady" I was telling you about.

WALDEN: Bridget?

What are you doing here?

Well, Alan called and told me

that you were doing something stupid.

And I just met her.

She's just sorry

she threw you out, but it's too late now,

isn't it, baby? WALDEN: Really?

You're sorry you threw me out?

Who cares? Come upstairs.

Walden, just because I can't live with you anymore,

doesn't mean that I want you

to be taken to the cleaners by Botox Barbie here.

Don't listen to her. Come upstairs.

Walden, if you go with her, I will never talk to you again.

Why don't both you broads hold out a treat and whistle

and we'll see which one he goes to.

Boy, this is a toughie.

I really love having a life with you.

Sharing my hopes

and dreams.

But I also really love

burying my head in your breasts and going (motorboat noise).

Honey, it's not about the sex.

It's not about your money.

I want to be with you.

I want to take care of you.

Oh, that's a good answer.

Bridget?

We have a winner!

Courtney, do you think that your deep feelings for my husband

can in any way be affected

by a cashier's check for $50,000?

(whimpering): $50,000?

You actually think that you can buy me off?

Your real name is Sylvia Fishman and you're wanted

in three states for fraud, forgery and money laundering.

Bye, Walden. It was fun.

Aw, darn.

I was really looking forward to more diggity.

If Bridget will write me a check like that,

I'll diggity your brains out.

I'll diggity you for free.

* Men.

How you doing?

Let this be a warning to you, Alan.

There are women out there that will be nice to you

just to get to your money.

Thanks.

But that's not very high on my list of concerns.

I just feel so stupid.

Oh, hey. Don't sell yourself short.

I'm sure she was also attracted to your chiseled good looks,

youthful stamina and freakishly large penis.

Thanks. That makes me feel better.

I'm glad, 'cause it makes me feel like hanging myself.

So how'd you leave things with Bridget?

Pretty much the same place.

She still wants a divorce.

Oh, I'm sorry.

But she obviously still cares about you.

I mean, a lot of people would have used

the money she gave Courtney for--

I don't know-- medical insurance, a new car,

maybe a college prep tutor for their idiot son.

You can have all those things, Alan.

I can?

Sure. You just have to make more money.

Right.

Duh.

Hey, thanks for calling Bridget.

Oh, no problem.

No, you really had my back.

Oh, that's what friends do.

Well, I want you to know that you have

a home here as long as you want.

Really?

Because I am looking for a place.

No, I want... I want you to stay.

I like having somebody here I can trust.

Well, if it's what you want.

BERTA: Ah, son of a bitch.

I knew you'd find a way

to weasel your way back in.

I'm out of here.

Well, you're not quitting, are you?

Nah, I'm moving back home.

I'll see you Monday.

Wow. (chuckles)

Looks like I get to take my old room back, huh?

Hey, whatever you want, buddy.

Just make sure the nine-fingered man is gone.

How about that?

For once, things actually work out well for old Alan.

(chuckles)

(choking)

(straining): Help! Help! 911...!

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