Original subtitles

Oh, no!

SHE MUTTERS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. I'm Greg Davies and welcome to Taskmaster.

There are just two shows left now,

only two opportunities for our five famous foes

to accumulate enough points to become the new Taskmaster champion.

Soon, one of them will be able to hold aloft my golden trophy

and proudly proclaim, "I have won this prize.

"OK, so, in doing so

"I have rendered myself unemployable within my chosen field.

"Sure, my partner has had a rethink

"and gone to live at their mum's for a while. But this trophy,

"this victory, is mine."

So, let's hear it for those vying for this honour

for the penultimate time.

Welcome, Daisy May Cooper. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Johnny Vegas. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Katherine Parkinson. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mawaan Rizwan. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And Richard Herring. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And sitting next to me, like a saveloy

that's been tossed around by a moulting dog,

he's hairy but full of flavour,

your very own little Alex Horne.

Thanks, Greg. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Cheers, mate. Oh, no. No?

Thanks, Greg. I don't like that at all.

Oh, I'm exhausted, Greg.

I know.

All the training. Have I told you about what I'm training for?

No, you haven't. You know I love the deep-sea diving?

Yep. So I'm just trying to get my lung capacity up.

Breathing underwater.

35 minutes now, with my new system.

You want to see it? Yes, please.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

35 minutes I can do that.

So as long as I'm down there and there and my nose is up there,

absolutely fine.

LAUGHTER

Are you cross? No.

I'm just enjoying the, er...

The sniggers of politeness.

Right. What's the penultimate prize task category, then, Alex?

It's the best bedding. Oh! Neat as a sheet.

You'll judge which of them has brought in

the best bedding and that person will bed five points.

At the end of the episode,

the winner will take home lots of brill bedding

and smug as a bug in five rugs.

All right, then. Mawaan, you got me some sweet, sweet bedding?

Yeah, I've brought in my favourite travel pillow.

Oh. It looks like this.

Oh! Oh, God!

Dual function. For...?

Yeah, I need to write down something here. What's the other thing?

You could use it as a pillow. Yeah, and just for his records,

the second function? You could keep buns hot in...

What, in there? That's not what you meant, is it?

You've ruined my favourite travel pillow for me. That's awful.

I think you've ruined it already.

He's only ruined it if he's attracted to elephants.

Let's see it in action. This is how you wear the ostrich pillow.

Oh, my God!

I hear what you're saying - it looks like an elephant's arse.

But when you wear it, it's the comfiest thing you'll ever wear.

I think something that brings you a lot of happiness and comfort

has been defiled. Cos of these...perverts.

They're perverts. They are.

Katherine, bedding. What have you brought in?

I chose silk sheets.

I've never slept on silk sheets and I am 43.

Why have you brought them along if you don't use them?

Because I thought if I offered it as a prize, I might...

I might get some. The silk is obtained from the cocoons

of the larvae of the mulberry silk worm Bombyx mori, bred in captivity.

It's just caterpillar poo, innit, silk? It is, yeah.

I actually thought it was, er, the semen. Is it caterpillar semen?

It's obtained from the cocoons of the larvae.

I don't think they are yet ejaculating.

So, so far, we've had a restrictive sex aid

and something that's been woven out of caterpillar sperm.

What's next? Daisy?

Clean sheets.

I just want to know why that's a novelty for you.

Possibly because mine aren't very often clean.

Are they not? No, recently I've got a really bad problem with...

Oh, God! With drooling when I sleep.

Oh, phew! It's not the worst of my bedtime problems.

But it's up there.

But these are clean cotton sheets?

But having it changed and having clean cotton sheets -

just everything is... Just being able to get into bed and... It is.

Isn't it great?

Johnny, what bedding have you brought us? I'm going out on a limb.

I've merely brought in lambswool. Lambswool?

Apparently for birds and nesting, it's warm when it needs to be,

it's cool when it needs to be.

Nature does best what we try to reproduce ourselves.

That's made me really emotional. That's really beautiful.

When I left London before the lockdown,

I made sure I left lambswool out. Really? You put it in

a little spiral cage and the birds come and take it.

In anticipation of bringing it on this show?

Yeah, I'm just gonna go back

and deny the birds so I can win Taskmaster.

So now, loads of little chicks are really cold.

It's almost as if you made it up this morning. No!

We've got one left, right? Yeah, we are gonna end with Richard.

I've had something specially commissioned by Fantasy Bedding.

Here it is.

Oh, my God! You can sleep on one pillow

and pretend you're in bed with Greg, Sleep on the other pillow

and pretend you're in bed with Alex or you can go in the middle.

Menage a trois.

Why do I look so surprised?

It looks like Alex's wife has just walked into the room,

you've clocked her at the door and Alex is like, "say something."

Say something!

Right. I am going to give two points each

to Johnny and Katherine

because I was equally uninspired by both of them.

Silk sheets and wool. Correct. OK.

I'm giving three points... Because she sold it so well,

and I do love slipping into a lovely cold cotton sheet,

I'm gonna give three points to Daisy.

Just because he's happy with it and I hate to see a young man

brought down by horrible old perverts,

I'm giving Mawaan four points. Well done.

And because I think there's money in it,

I'm giving five points to Richard Herring.

Well done, Richard. Five points.

Hey, Alex, have you got a task ready?

Yes, it's time for some low-rent architecture.

Alex. Hi, Johnny.

That was quite a measured entrance.

It was, wasn't it? Very calm.

A bit dramatic, a bit Downton Abbey.

All right? All right? I've never said "all right" before.

All right? All right? All right? Yeah, you're good at it. Thank you.

"Make..." HE CHUCKLES

I hate stuff like this.

"Make the biggest beermat house on this table."

"While making your biggest beermat house,

"you must ring the doorbell after exactly one minute."

"Then after 58 more seconds..."

"Then 56 seconds and so on until zero seconds."

So, basically, two seconds down.

"Biggest beermat house wins."

"If you make more than two mistakes with the doorbell timing,

"you will be disqualified."

"Your time ends when you press the doorbell for the last time,

"and starts now."

OK.

So, it'll be one minute and then 58 seconds, then 56 seconds.

So I've got to keep going in and out.

Oh, I understand. That's obvious.

OK, what's the point of that? So I keep vigilant?

Stay present? I'm not sure what the point of any of it is.

You're uncomfortable with any kind of casual greeting, aren't you?

"All right?" Yeah. Yeah, I don't like it.

That's my first observation, and my second is that Richard Herring

says he hates things like this as if people regularly ask him...

HE CHUCKLES "Oh, I hate this."

..to make a house out of beermats.

OK, so they had ever-diminishing time periods

to go in and out of the room.

They could see a clock. They could see the time ticking down,

otherwise it would be too hard.

But they had just over a quarter of an hour in total.

Obviously, they would have smaller and smaller gaps as they went along.

And to introduce the first people, I'm gonna use the male equivalents

of their female names - it's Keith and Desmond.

So it's up to you how you make a beermat house.

Do I have any Sellotape?

If you want it. Yeah, that'd be great.

Yeah, let's get... Come on, let's get this Sellotape in, please.

How long do you think it takes to get to the front door?

Perfect timing. Start again with 58.

You don't really get any prizes for building a cool house.

It's more about the doorbell, isn't it?

Well, it's all about the size of the house. So, this is good.

When are you going to ring the doorbell?

Er... Yeah, ideally at 58.

Yeah. Oh, fuck it.

Look, this is good.

Did I miss it? Yeah, that felt like a bit of a mistake.

I'm sort of busy thinking about the house.

Yes.

Ah, pile them like this!

Of course!

What do you normally build a house with? Bricks.

And...? Straw.

So, that's the roof.

I just feel like all I've done is ring the doorbell.

Yeah, a bit late this time, Katherine.

Fuck! No!

I just don't think this looks like a house.

You better go and ring the doorbell. Just ringing the doorbell.

I'm just ringing the doorbell.

Are... Are you stopping? Yeah.

Oh, my God, there's so many of them. Go and ring the doorbell, Katherine.

Katherine, you need to go and ring the doorbell.

Can I have a cup of tea?

Yes.

Hang on, hang on.

DOORBELL RINGS Ah.

Time to go and ring the doorbell, Katherine.

See, I'm getting quicker.

Well, time's getting shorter, isn't it? Off you go, Katherine.

I might just build the nursery round the house.

He lives here.

That's his mate Gareth.

There really won't be a lot of time now between each one.

Now? Yes, off you go.

Ah! Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Katherine...

Probably need to go and ring the doorbell now, Katherine.

I'll just stay here.

One, two.

Go.

Just two seconds.

Oh, what's the point? What's the point? Katherine.

Sorry, that was childish.

What's the point?

I haven't made a house.

APPLAUSE

I felt genuinely quite low.

Well, it's the angriest I've ever seen you.

You took a house and you made it not look like a house.

But it was so rapid.

I will be amazed if anyone's managed to do it.

I managed to build a house. She did.

This was her finished product. There's the house.

I can't wait to move in(!)

I've rendered it as... It's Georgian, isn't it?

Well, I've rendered it as an architect would.

So, if that was a house, it would look like this.

It's lovely. Yeah, that's exactly what it would look like.

Well, if that's a lovely house,

what I was left with would constitute some kind of building.

The trouble is, you were also disqualified many times over

for not ringing the doorbell in time.

Daisy stopped running at the 42-second mark. She just gave up.

And worse, and what really sticks in my craw, is,

I'm gonna have to give her points

for basically just throwing some beermats in a big pile.

There is a gap in the middle. There's a gap in the...

So, they're sort of foundations.

OK, what's the gap in the middle?

For living space. Oh.

Cooking, eating, sleeping, entertaining.

Yeah, fine. Absolutely fine.

"I bought us a house."

"Oh, God, I would rather you told me about it first."

"No, no, no, you're gonna love it.

"It's got a big hole in the middle for us to sleep and eat in.

"And raise our children."

Do you want to see some more houses? Yes, sure.

This time we've got Margaret and Rita.

Here we go.

I don't understand how you do it.

Probably takes you five seconds to reach the front door, by the way.

It's just stress, man.

You need to go and ring the doorbell.

I don't know why I'm bothering ringing the doorbell.

HE YELLS

OK, do you know what?

Two, one.

What have you got there? I've got the doorbell. Now then.

DOORBELL RINGS Yeah, great, jammy.

You're a lot more relaxed now. Yeah, I think it's cos

I've got the doorbell here. It's really alleviated a lot of stress.

Ah!

I've cut my hand!

There's blood on the doorbell.

I've cut my... Cut my hand.

Stop putting blood on the doorbell, Richard.

I'm starting to see a doorway.

Let's try for a second storey. Need a lot more room.

Oh, shit. Forgot about the doorbell.

Don't bother with this door.

DOORBELL RINGS

Do you have anything that turns?

Something that turns?

I've got this.

Double-sided tape.

WHISTLE BLOWS Thank you, Richard.

There's the house. I mean, blood and sweat and tears have gone into this.

I don't mean to brag, but it's a work of art.

APPLAUSE

There was a boxing match years ago,

when Chris Eubank was at the height of his powers

and he had a lot of battles with Nigel Benn.

And in their most brutal fight, Eubank won it on points

and they went over to him and they said,

"Chris, you must be elated after such a monumental battle."

And Chris Eubank said something

and it's now all I remember about the fight. He said,

"He split my tongue. Get an ambulance."

And all I remember of Richard's attempt is, "I've cut me finger."

It doesn't matter what his house looks like.

This is what he ended up with.

He sort of piled the beermats around the little model of a house.

Yeah. It was rubbish. I mean, this is what it would look like

if it was an actual house, obviously. No, it wouldn't.

Who rendered these? I rendered these. You don't like them?

That's a really nice house. Go back to Richard's house.

Here's Richard's house. That's what it's like!

What you on about? Door there to go in. It's absolute madness.

Mawaan, on the other hand, this could be your finest hour, I think.

The bell alone. I watched four people in here go, "Gah!"

This is the lighthouse that he constructed. Here it is.

Look at that. Amazing.

KATHERINE: I said, "Oh, wow, it's a windmill.

Yeah.

Right, that's the end of part one.

Already, we have windmilled through that part

like a couple of flying ninjas.

See you in a few minutes.

Hello, and welcome back to Taskmaster.

What was going on before the break, Alex?

Before the break, the contenders were trying to build beermat houses

under an ever decreasing time-limit.

There's only one person left. He's the perennial voice of hope.

He is Johnny Vegas.

Oh, this is rubbish.

Why did I even bother? I shut the door.

I can get one more in.

Oh. Go on.

I've lost many a bar job just standing there licking beermats.

I once repaired a bicycle puncture with my spittle.

It's amazingly strong.

HE MUTTERS ANGRILY

Sorry, chicken.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'm gonna attempt summat highly controversial.

I'm putting a supporting wall there.

Oh, just hang on.

It's your fault!

There, there. I'm gonna miss it.

Watch this one.

Never learned to read but...

MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYS

HE GRUNTS

DOORBELL RINGS

I'm just making Little House On The Prairie, OK?

Cos otherwise, what's the point?

It's just a homestead.

BUZZER

Aw! That was the task that I was most invested in.

I thought it was my time to shine and that broke my heart.

But your skill is clear, cos we saw the house.

And you even put in a supporting wall.

There was actual construction talk mentioned in there.

I mean, sure, architecture's changed these days.

These days, people just make a hole in a load of rubbish.

It was beautiful, Johnny.

He called it Vegas Villas... Vegas Villas. ..when it was at its peak.

Well, every one of them was an apartment.

Heart-breaking. Yeah.

Sadly, you've got to score this.

Do these two get any points - Johnny and Katherine?

I mean, God forgive me but no.

Oh, please, for effort.

I can't. I can't give effort points.

That's not... I think he should get more than me.

His was really hard. Licking it, making his own cement.

Just give me one point

for emotionally investing myself in the task.

Let me think about that. OK.

I'm giving Mawaan five points.

Five points.

I mean, my God, they don't deserve it.

Four points to Daisy, three points to Richard.

And then we've got zero for Katherine, and there's just the...

There's just the matter of a bonus point for Johnny. Please.

No. No points. Zero to Johnny.

Well done. Seriously?

I can't see people seeing me being publicly weak.

I have a 17-year-old and he's never gonna speak to me after this.

So be it.

Scoreboard. Scoreboard, yes.

Mawaan's in the lead with nine points.

What have we got next?

Next one up is a fancy one, Greg.

This involves lots of tasks and I get to press some buttons.

Here we go.

Hello, Daisy.

Greetings.

Oh, there's some fruit. That's nice.

Chocolate Orange, I spy.

Where's the task?

Colder.

Warmer. Warmer.

Hot, hot. Colder. Colder.

Ooh. Now then.

No. Careful. Yes.

Oh. I should have just looked down.

OK. "Complete the most tasks."

"There is one task behind each door.

"You may choose the order to open the doors."

"You may only move when the doors are moving."

"And you must stay this side of the line."

Yeah, where you are now. That line that goes all the way across.

"During the task, you must tell Alex which door to open

"within one minute of the previous door closing."

"You must tell Alex which door to open first

"within one minute from now."

Does it all make sense? Yes.

And is the Chocolate Orange part of the task?

I don't... I genuinely don't know. OK, great.

So, which door would you like me to open first, Richard?

Two.

Five.

Three. Er, I'll go for door number two.

One. One?

No. Three.

Have you thought about four?

Let's do four first, yeah.

LAUGHTER I'm very suggestible.

I've got a theory that if you put a Chocolate Orange in any situation

in life, that'll be the focus of anyone's attention.

OK, let's crack on.

Here we go, then. Hello, matron.

We're gonna start with Dick and Johnny.

Good luck, Richard. Thank you.

BOTH: "Kick three orange things through this door."

Stop.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Oh, God!

JOHNNY YELLS

I didn't know I could scream in that octave.

Have you kicked anything before?

I got... The last one was...

Door number four, please, Alex. Right. You have to stay there.

Er, three. Here we go.

"Empty the bucket and put both your shoes in it."

"Eat a whole banana."

You can move now if you want. Oh, can I?

Now you can't.

I think I've done that one. Congratulations, Richard.

What door do you want next, Johnny?

HE MUTTERS Say again?

MUFFLED: Number three.

Number...? Three.

Number three? Go on, then.

Let's go for one.

"Empty the bucket and put both your shoes in it."

Come on - look what I'm wearing!

"Throw ten yellow things through this door."

Oh!

I didn't have to take them off, did I?

I think I was too far away. You were too far away, yes.

Seeing as I'm closer to five and I've got my feet in a bucket...

We'd better go to four.

Don't put your feet in the bucket!

"Eat a whole banana."

"Sit on the bucket and completely peel an orange and a banana."

Get out of it!

I choose number five.

He springs off the bucket.

Bucket Man!

"Sit on the bucket and completely peel an orange and a banana."

"Throw ten yellow things through this door." Oh, God!

God, I look like the kid at the end of Jerry Maguire!

These are my observations. Do you want to hear them? Yes, please.

"Neither of these men can kick anything

"in a direction of their choice." Correct.

"Under pressure, Richard Herring will not,

"despite points being at stake, rush eating a banana.

"He enjoys a banana like a monkey."

And finally, "The sequel to Jerry Maguire

"will fail to capture the hearts of the public."

Got all that. Those are my observations.

They had five tasks to do. I've got it down that

Richard did 21⁄4 Of them, while Johnny did 2.3 of them.

It's difficult for me to say how impressive that was

out of the context of the rest of the group,

so I think we should just crack on and see some more.

OK, well, let's see two people wearing all-in-ones all in one.

Katherine and Mawaan.

"Eat a whole banana."

"Empty the bucket and put both your shoes in it."

Stop.

Oh, God. How long have I got?

SHE YELLS

Oh, God! I'm gonna be sick.

Stop.

Now, which door would you like me to open next, Mawaan?

There's a Chocolate Orange.

OK.

Number three. Four, please.

"Empty the bucket and put both your shoes in it."

"Eat a whole banana."

Easy shoes.

Mawaan, which door would you like me to open now? Mm...

MUFFLED: Number one, please. Say again.

Number one, please.

"Kick three oranges through this door."

"Throw ten yellow things through this door."

Ah! Sorry!

Sorry!

I need three more things.

It's not even yellow.

Which door would you like me to open next, Mawaan? Two, please.

One, please. Cos it's closer? Yeah.

"Kick three orange things through this door."

"Throw ten yellow things through this door."

You're a long way from the door. Yeah.

HE GRUNTS

SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, I don't like this game.

HE CHUCKLES

One door left. Door number five, please.

It's the final door, door number five.

BOTH: "Sit on the bucket

"and completely peel an orange and a banana."

OK.

Shit! I've got rid of all the oranges!

Yay!

APPLAUSE

The most fascinating thing from the whole attempt, to me, was that

once Mawaan had filled his mouth full of banana,

his voice sounded like it had been digitally slowed down.

I was trying to curl my lips around it like this,

so it slowed me down.

I mean, in total, they were both worse than Johnny and Richard.

They both overstepped the line when they weren't supposed to.

Cleverly, Katherine peeled the Chocolate Orange,

which is the quickest type of orange to peel,

but she failed with the banana and cheated at the very end by doing it after the whistle.

Yeah, what a shame.

Right, time for another break.

Don't think about the insane calorific value

of the biscuits you're about to bring in from the kitchen.

The rush they give you will override the long-term health implications.

See you in a bit.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome back to Taskmaster with me, the Taskmaster.

And me, Alex, son of Sheila and Hugh. I like gentle films,

gentle music and to be held by big strong arms. Before the break,

we witnessed the contestants completing a series of tasks,

each unknown until a roller door revealed them.

Just one person left - it's Daisy May Cooper.

Run DMC.

I'm going to start with

door number five.

OK.

"Sit on the bucket and completely peel an orange and banana."

Now.

OK. Which door next? Four.

"Eat a whole banana."

APPLAUSE

Which door next?

Ooh! Are you gonna finish that?

Oh, no. Which door next, Daisy?

Three, please.

Oh!

"Empty the bucket and put both your shoes in it."

You've just filled it up. Yeah.

Success.

Where would you like to go next?

Door number two. I see what you've done there.

How many orange things have you got in your bucket? Three.

Fuck!

Yes!

Which door next? Number one, please.

"Throw ten yellow things through this door."

One, two.

Stop, stop, stop.

You've got to do seven in the next ten seconds.

Three, four...

APPLAUSE

Yep, very good.

Some definite technique there.

Well, she was the only one who went down the doors in order,

so she had a shorter distance each time. She also had the bucket

with her at all times cos she thought,

presumably, it would be useful.

And nice to have it confirmed that she eats like a psychotic tiger.

THEY CHUCKLE

I honestly thought it was, like, a Scooby-Doo tribute.

You know when their food just disappears into their mouth?

Yeah, those big subs.

She did do quite well, didn't she?

She did the most in total. She got pretty much three out of five.

Lovely work. APPLAUSE

So, Daisy five points,

Richard four, Johnny three, Mawaan two and Katherine one point.

There it is. Well done, Daisy May Cooper.

Next, please.

Now, this one was the very first task

all of them attempted on their very first day.

And I thought to break the ice, it'd be very nice

to greet them with an air horn.

Hello?

HORN BLOWS SHE YELLS

HORN BLOWS Fucking hell. OK.

HORN BLOWS

Hello. Hi, Richard.

HORN BLOWS Sorry.

God Almighty. Sorry, Johnny.

Hello. How are you? Nervous, yeah.

Are you? Yeah.

Oh, I love a wax seal.

Oh, my God. OK.

"Work out how many balls are in the basket."

"Every ball must be in the basket when you make your guess."

"Closest to the correct answer wins. You have four minutes."

"Your time starts now."

First ever task they all completed.

I wondered why they were so nervous at old Air Horn Andy over there.

Gave them a little scare, didn't you? Air Horn Andy?

Yeah, Air Horn Andy. Alex begins with an A anyway.

You could have called him Air Horn Alex. Yeah, you're right.

That's how little regard I have for him -

I haven't even registered his real name.

Little Air Horn Andy.

Shall we see Katherine, Daisy and Mawaan?

Yes. Here they are.

I tell you what - I'm gonna count the top layer, I think,

into some kind of thing...

Go for it. ..and then make a guess.

OK. So, I'm gonna... Yeah, we'll wait here. OK, yeah.

Cos you've given me four minutes,

I feel like I've got to do some kind of mathematical thing.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

One, two, three, four, five...

Oh, I don't know.

OK, I'm gonna just count one row and then times it by something.

This is like the top level.

I think it's about 500. What do you think? 500 balls?

And then we've got some, like, heapedness at the top,

so let's say that's...

HE SIGHS

I probably could've had time to count them.

You've still got 2 minutes and 40 seconds. OK, so...

Oh, I'm gonna have to put those back, innit? Yes.

Right, fit...

Oh, fucking hell!

What are you doing at the moment, Katherine?

I do think 500's a good guess. Are you thinking exactly 500?

No, I'll take a couple off.

I'm gonna say 121,

plus some, er, heapage contingency.

I could've taken them all out and counted them.

But now that it's one minute left...

All the balls have to be in the basket when you guess. Oh, shit!

Oh, there's all these little ones in here.

I see. It's a good job I've gone in there.

Yeah, definitely 142.

Oh, fuck.

No, it's a lot more than that.

OK, I'm gonna say 150.

What's your guess?

WHISTLE BLOWS Thank you, Daisy.

I'm gonna do 162. Thank you very much.

WHISTLE BLOWS Oh, no. No, no, no.

Well, if I get them all back in and give you my answer...?

This was a mistake.

Could you give me a hand with these?

So, this isn't part of the, er, time thing?

Are you sure? That's what it said.

Right.

Thank you, Katherine. Thank you. Well done. Thanks.

HE GASPS

Oh, no. Who was that?

Uh-oh. Oi!

Such a specific number, after employing a system

that wasn't a system at all.

What I don't understand, watching it back,

is why I didn't guess a higher number than I did at the start.

I said 500 at the start...

And you discovered smaller balls. ..discovered the small balls

and then took two off. Lowered your estimate. And you did have to make

your guess in the four minutes. You guessed ten minutes later

once we'd both put them back in. You still hadn't put them all back in.

And what Alex will have been doing throughout that whole thing

is thinking, "I've put little balls inside.

"They think all the balls are uniform

"because I've hidden the little ones."

And, Daisy, why must you persist

in trying to transport things in baking trays?

THEY CHUCKLE

I think what happened was, I was given a tour of the house

at the beginning and I was shown a cupboard

that had a lot of baking trays in.

Yeah, she did fall for our baking-tray-cupboard trick.

Yeah.

Er, Mawaan, first of all,

congratulations for inventing two new words.

Heapedness and, of course,

the well-known phrase "heapage contingency". Yeah.

It's when you add a little bit to your calculations...

Yeah. ..for ball leeway. THEY CHUCKLE

My favourite moment was when you decided there were 142 balls

but then he realised. Must be more. He went,

"No, wait a minute. There can't be 142..."

And to quote you, "There must be loads more."

Beat. 150.

No, but then I added the heapage contingency.

Very good. We're at the three-quarter mark of the show.

One part left and then someone wins some bedding to incinerate.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome back. Where were we, Alex?

Well, they were trying to count balls in a basket,

but we'd hidden different-sized balls in the basket

under the other balls. We're so fiendish sometimes.

Finally, it's Johnny and it's Richard.

350 plus...

Oh, I've lost myself. 350, 60...

392.

And then those ones on top.

Right.

Oh, God!

I should've just taken them all out and put them back in again.

It's too late now.

40...

There's a giant one in the middle!

Oh, God. It's just turned into a cleaning job!

51...

Oh, get lost!

That's good.

Like everything in my life - too little, too late.

WHISTLE BLOWS Thank you, Richard. Thank you.

WHISTLE BLOWS

How many balls do you think were in the basket? Er...

OK.

There was me thinking I was a problem solver.

APPLAUSE

The most animated Richard got was when he said,

"Oh, I should have taken them all out and counted them.

"Never mind."

By stark contrast, Johnny said, "Oh, God.

"Like everything in my life, too little, too late."

So, was he disqualified? Yeah, all the balls had to be in the basket.

I'm disqualified but I was the only one that found the ball bearings.

You found the ball bearings. You didn't even count them!

MAWAAN: Yeah, and ignored them.

He described all the balls on the floor as a map of his pathetic DNA.

Wow!

We've got Mawaan with 162.

Yeah. Richard, 395.

Daisy, 555.

498 over here, and 1,100 from Johnny.

I've got a little video to show you the actual number.

Yes, please. Here it is.

1,192.

THEY EXCLAIM

I will not beg but, come on,

what's the chances of me getting that close?

Yeah, so close.

The scoring must be based on the brutal facts of what happened.

Well, in that case, it's zero points to these two, Johnny and Katherine.

Mawaan gets three for his way-off 162. That's amazing. That's amazing.

Richard four for his 395. And Daisy,

even though she was only halfway there,

gets five points for her 555. Wow!

Let's have a quick look at the scores.

OK, well, in terms of the series, it couldn't be closer at the top,

cos two people have the same number.

Daisy and Richard are both on 140 points.

GREG GASPS And this episode, Greg,

with 17 points, Daisy's in the lead.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wow.

All right, then, everyone.

Please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show.

Hello. Hi, Greg.

Who is going to read the task for us?

Johnny Vegas. Lovely.

Here we go.

"Draw this monster the Taskmaster is going to describe.

"Most accurate drawing wins.

"You have two minutes from when the Taskmaster starts talking."

Yeah, so it's draw the monster that the Taskmaster's gonna describe.

He's only gonna say it once. I think that's very important

that you all take that on board. Good luck.

The angry monster has three arms,

two of which are lumpy.

She has two eyes,

and two more eyes.

And one leg.

And two more eyes.

And a huge tusk that looks like a tree.

What's a tusk?

Fuck off, I'm not telling you.

That is cold.

It's a competition. And I'm losing.

She is urinating and waving and holding a cake.

And holding a what, sorry? And she is stripey all over.

And is very, very cold.

And she has three more legs.

And she's doing a star jump.

And she's got a pet dog who is small and furry and red and black

and has one leg missing.

Ten seconds left.

Very different tactics up here, Greg. Someone didn't rush into it.

Oh. That's because it's not a banana.

Three seconds.

Put down your pens, please.

Whose picture would you like to have a little look at, Greg?

I'd like to see Daisy May Cooper's, please.

Daisy didn't draw anything until the last 30 seconds.

She made a list of what you were saying. Whoa!

Well, I thought about doing that.

Let's have a look.

Oh! The tusk does look like a tree.

Definitely urinating. Six eyes.

RICHARD: Doesn't look very angry. Yeah, she is, cos she's doing this.

Very good. Next up?

Johnny Vegas. I'm gonna go in order.

It's a good dog. Is she urinating, Johnny?

You didn't give me yellow, and I don't think that was fair.

Katherine.

So, six eyes.

Yep.

Plus an extra one.

A tusk that looks like a tree.

The dog isn't red and black but it is red.

That's the jet of "ur-een".

Purple urine, yeah? I mean, to be fair, it is a monster.

It may well have purple "ur-een".

Mawaan?

Ooh! Oh! Wow!

I'll be honest - she looks a bit more Canadian than I wanted her to.

She is one maple lady.

Oui. Where's the tusk? The tusk is here.

It's a tusk. Does it look like a tree?

Er, I will...

Oh, look - lumpy arms.

Lumpy arms. I did lumpy arms.

I can't find them. Katherine did lumpy arms.

She can't find them now. No, lumpy eyes, wasn't it? No, lumpy arms.

And I didn't ask for lumpy eyes - we'll have to take those off.

Richard Herring?

I was writing down as well.

That's the tusk.

Six eyes, birthday cake.

That's a vagina and that's wee coming out of it. Oh!

That's one, two, three, four legs,

and that's a star-jump motion. Oh, and you've signed it.

Signed Richard.

There's Richard's with a free vagina for you, Greg. Thank you.

I'll come and check off my list of criteria.

We'll add those to the final scores. Come and join me down here.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back.

All right, buttercup?

What did that do?

I saw five great monsters.

Yeah, they were sweet, sweet monsters.

They were urinating.

So, there were 19 categories that they had to fulfil. Yes.

Katherine and Daisy both got ten of those categories.

Lovely. Is that it ?! Disappointed? I'm surprised. Yours wasn't angry.

It didn't have three arms, arms weren't lumpy,

didn't have six eyes, didn't have... It was angry, cos it was red.

It was red cos it was red.

Mawaan and Johnny both got 11 of the categories.

Wow! Oh! So, they're either first or second.

Did Richard get more than 11 or less than 10?

I think he got more than 11.

He did get more - he got 14 of the 19 and wins five points. Oh!

APPLAUSE

How many points do you want to give Mawaan and Johnny in second place?

Four. OK.

And then Katherine and Daisy?

Three. Tick, tick. And that means

he's not only the series leader by two points from Daisy -

he's won this episode. Richard Herring. Oh, what?

Richard wins.

Please go and burn your bedding.

So, what have we learned today?

We've learned that to every person, home has a different meaning.

To a lighthouse keeper and Mawaan,

home is a tall, cylindrical building

that warns ships at sea of imminent danger during a storm.

To Daisy May Cooper, it's any old pile of rubbish

with a hole in the middle, where she lives.

Time to get ready for the grand final but now,

let's allow tonight's winner their moment once more.

It's Richard Herring!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media