Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language.

Taskmaster was recorded in accordance with all

social distancing guidelines in place at the time of filming.

SHE GIGGLES

SHE BURBLES LOUDLY

LOUD STATIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome to Taskmaster.

Let's cut to the chase, shall we?

You're all here to watch some credible comedians go to

incredible lengths to impress me.

Much like a Roman Emperor, I've bathed in ass's milk

and had vigorous sexual liaisons with my personal assistant.

I am ready to be entertained.

Bring on the gladiators!

Daisy May Cooper! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Johnny Vegas! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Katherine Parkinson! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mawaan Rizwan! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And Richard Herring! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me, a sort of bearded jellyfish.

Pretty Woman is his favourite film,

and he collects teapots that look like cottages.

It's little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What's happening? Well, I've invented an app.

My first app. Oh, right. Can I sell it to you? Yes, please.

Well, you know when you're talking to someone and they're really

mean to you, and you feel very sad inside but you don't want to show it

because that would be a display of weakness? Yes?

You get the app, right, you get on your iPad,

and you strap it on your head.

And then, they can't see your emotions.

THEY LAUGH

Shall we try it out? Look at that. Yeah, you can talk to me now.

Once, your wife told me that you often complain of feeling lonely

even when you're with people.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, it's an early edition.

Right, then! Let's get started. Prize Task. Mm!

Yes, and we're flying high today, because we've asked them to bring in

the best thing with wings! Cool.

Whoever has brought in the best thing with wings will win the round,

gain five points, and almost certainly develop

a temporary swagger.

Then at the end of this episode, the person with the most points

overall will take home all five winged things and feel pretty fly.

OK, then. Johnny, what's your best thing with wings?

Chips!

OK.

Here are his chips. What do you mean?

Wings. Chips.

So, he's saying they taste nice with wings. Perfect accompaniment.

What do you mean, with wings? No-one just says wings.

LAUGHTER

It's the first thing that came to mind,

and I honestly couldn't top it.

I went with instinct, and it was wings, chips.

Yeah, I guess Johnny... Again, you can't just say wings.

Well, if you have some chicken wings, what would you want with it?

Well, I don't like eating chicken on the bone, it makes me feel sick.

I know that. And a bit scared.

Richard. Yes? Have you got anything better?

I think I've got something better than chips.

I have brought in Histor, the one-eyed pirate crow

from the very popular 1990s television show,

This Morning With Richard Not Judy.

Oh. Which I did enjoy. Thank you very much. Yeah.

Funny how I used to be a fan, innit?

THEY LAUGH

Here is...here is Histor.

There he is. He's falling apart a little bit.

That's a genuinely good prize. Yeah.

I've got to win this episode, cos I can't let it...

Oh, really? Is it a treasured thing?

Yeah, very treasured. Oh, dear. Katherine?

I think I didn't realise that, this round, you were giving points.

Erm, so I've just been a bit... This is our eighth episode.

LAUGHTER

Erm, OK, I've brought in a dead wasp.

Here it is, the dead wasp.

JOHNNY: I think that's cool. Yeah, I don't mind it.

I suppose it sort of represents nature in a more profound way

than is immediately obvious.

Because a dead wasp represents life and death. So much.

Does anything eat wasps? Badgers do. Do they?

Oh, God, that...

Another fact about wasps - if a stray wasp, like,

flies onto a train, it can find its way home after a few stops.

Because it actually looks for landmarks out the window.

OK, that's not true.

There must be some truth in that.

I was told that... There's no truth in that!

There's no truth in it. They look for landmarks.

She is telling the truth, yeah,

wasps can recognise landmarks and faces.

They can remember your face.

Formally apologise.

RICHARD: How do they know? "Studies show."

That's all it says. "Studies show".

They're from The New Scientist. It's definitely true. Mawaan?

All right, you ready for this? Let's do this, baby.

What sort of winged thing have you brought in?

So, I was thinking of chicken wings.

But I did my research.

And I know you don't like chicken off the bone. I don't.

So, I was like, "OK, what can I do related to chicken wings?"

And I decided to paint my favourite chicken shop.

Here it is. Oh, wow.

It's got a little Greg in it. He's having some chicken.

I really like it. So, it's a genuine chicken shop.

It was called Perfect Fried Chicken,

but someone's already got that name.

So, the quickest workaround was to turn the P into an F. Yeah.

And to use the well-known word, "ferfect". Exactly.

LAUGHTER

Our series leader is left. Daisy. Daisy?

Panty liners. Thank you. And here it is.

You see, I have to say I thought of doing this, and I was too ashamed.

You should never be ashamed. You shouldn't.

I would give me five points, so you don't come across as

a sexist pig who's prejudiced against periods.

Prejudiced against periods?

LAUGHTER

So, what's best and what's worse?

Well, I want to take home Richard's glory days trophy. Yeah.

Five points to Richard Herring! Five points for Richard.

APPLAUSE

I want to take home Mawaan's beautiful art next.

Course you do. Yeah.

Four points to Mawaan Rizwan. There we go.

Against all odds, the next thing I want take home

is the dead wasp.

LAUGHTER

I celebrate your panty liner. Thanks. I'm with you...

..for two points. Right.

And obviously, I don't want a cold plate of chips that someone's

dribbled wing juice on.

One point to Johnny Vegas. And we're off.

APPLAUSE

All right. Let's get on. Lovely.

This task involves pouring a lovely little drink for a lovely big man -

that's you, Greg Davies!

Hello, Johnny. Hi, Alex.

What time is it?

Does your pocket watch work?

Oh, no, that's just for show, mate. OK.

"Fill this cup so that it overfloweth."

Is that the cup? That's the cup.

"The cup must remain atop the cup pole at all times."

"Only liquids may touch the red green."

"Fastest wins."

"Your time starts...now."

"Overfloweth."

Yeah, what do you take that to mean?

Er...

An abundance of liquid?

It's quite literal, right? Yeah. OK.

I think what I've been doing wrong with these tasks is that

I come not, like, reading into - it's like a riddle, isn't it?

Like, you've got... the answer's in the question. OK.

Right. Well, I'd like to chastise Alex for using such florid language.

What's all this "overfloweth, atop" business?

Just have a bit of fun with it. OK.

Like, Biblical, like, "the cup runneth over,"

or like "Kenneth".

LAUGHTER

Would you like to say who's going to go first? Yeah. OK. Here we go.

Johnny.

No, it's going to be Mawaan first.

LAUGHTER

That's the longest hose we've got, Mawaan.

I feel like this is a fairly obvious thing to do.

What are you going to do? Just going to chuck it.

We didn't need that hose pipe.

Sorry, this is someone's tea, but I'm low on time,

so this is the quickest thing.

Is it overflowing?

No. It's halfway.

You didn't mean "overfloweth" in, like, a metaphorical way?

How would that work?

HE EXHALES

HE SHRIEKS

The cupeth overfloweth.

I've stopped the clock. Nailed it.

Well done, Mawaan. Well done. Not bad at all.

Still feel like I've missed the metaphor.

I still feel like there's something going on...

How does a cup overflow in a metaphorical way?

Like, you've got a lot on right now in your life.

Oh, cos I'm busy?

Yeah. OK.

And how are you going to apply that to that cup?

LAUGHTER

I don't know. But what I'm asking is, have I got it...did I get it?

Well, I can tell you a few things.

You were by far the slowest - 12 minutes, 38.

I was quite metaphorically hung over that day.

The rule was obviously that only liquids could touch the red green.

But that was cool, he's...

Well, you saw the funnel just missing it.

Yeah, let's just check.

JOHNNY: Ohh. Yeah. AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

Yeah, you touched it. You're literally disqualified.

Metaphorically, you're still in with a shout.

LAUGHTER

OK. Do you want to see two measured and calm individuals? Oh, do I!

Daisy and Johnny? Yeah, I knew it was them.

Here we go. THEY LAUGH

Right. Yep.

Just attach this...

Yes! So, the water, the water.

I didn't turn it on!

Cos it's not plugged in!

Come on, Alex! I'm running.

Where are you going?

Alex? Work with me!

Ohh!

Oh, the wind!

Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Oh, no! Hang on.

Right, then...

That's overfloweth. I've stopped the clock.

That's fucking great, what I've just done.

Thank you, Daisy. Thanks.

I've stopped the clock. Did you touch the red green? No.

You saw me straddling, it looked like I was using

one of them loos abroad.

And I took a tumble. Yeah, I saw that.

I suffered for my craft. Yeah. A lot happened, Johnny.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Normally when someone falls over, there's a reason for it.

As far as I can see, you just fell.

There were no obstacles.

THEY LAUGH

I mean, a lot happened in Johnny's.

It only took him three minutes, 47 seconds.

He's disqualified, though, isn't he?

It felt like something that wasn't liquid did touch the red green.

Yeah, a massive hammer. A massive hammer.

Daisy - absolute textbook. Mm.

Patient. That is a woman who knows that wasps recognise faces.

That is a woman. She completed it in six minutes, 55.

Is that good? It's in the lead at the moment.

I don't want to be a hater,

but I think Daisy needs to get disqualified, too. Oh, OK.

I'm so sorry. For what?

Did no-one notice the thing on the red green?

No. The piece of paper? What? KATHERINE GASPS

I would say, let's investigate that at the end.

Well, we'll come back to that. I love making friends.

LAUGHTER

Did you see how she reacted to the hippo drawing?

Yeah, I'm terrified, but I...

Yeah, she's going to fuck you up, mate.

LAUGHTER

Look at the face. Have a look. Look at her face..

She's not going to forget yours, she's like a wasp.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

That's the end of part one, then.

APPLAUSE

Oh, hello! How very nice to see you again!

Am I right to mention a cup on a stick, Alex? Yes, siree!

They were trying to fill a cup on top of a stick

so much that it overflowed.

But nothing apart from water could touch the red circle.

So now let's watch Katherine and Richard

obeying the bloody rules, please!

So, where is the liquid? Where is the liquid? Mm.

What sort of liquid do you want? I need to find some liquid!

Erm... Whee!

SHE GRUNTS

Fuck that!

What's that fucking cow there for, anyway?

I think that's as far as it goes.

Right, here's my brilliant idea!

Oh, hold on. There we go.

It seems to be working!

I don't think this is going to be the fastest time, but...

So you're trying to throw the water up there? It might work. Yeah.

SHE GRUNTS OK!

How do I know when it's full? It will overflow, will it?

You'll be able to see that with your eyes.

Yeah. Are you surprised this is working? Yeah!

I mean, I'm amazed it hasn't fallen off yet.

Yeah.

It's not allowed to touch the red green.

I don't think this is going to be the fastest time.

But, I might achieve the task.

Oh, you... I mean...!

I should have expected that.

I think that's full. I'll stop the clock.

Whew! It overfloweth! OK.

Thank you, Richard. Thank you. Goodbye!

Hang on...

Can I touch it? All the information is on the task, Katherine.

I'm just going to check this again.

I can touch it! Oh, for God's sake!

Right, it's overflowing. I'll stop the clock.

Yes!

How do you think you did? I actually think my method was all right.

I enjoyed it. OK, you can go now. Thanks. Bye! Bye!

APPLAUSE Very good!

I think you've taken away any poise that you had in the early days

of this show!

Yeah. I mean, you were instantly swearing at a cow!

What channel is this on? Channel 4! It's a shame!

Which channel were you hoping for? Something more obscure!

The whole hoop madness! I mean... Oh, don't!

One of your more notable strategies, which is hoping

that water won't make it through a net!

She did say, actually, "I should have expected that."

Yeah, I mean, she definitely should!

She filled it up in 11 minutes, 49 seconds. Not dreadful! No.

Richard... Mm. Very pleased with himself, wasn't he?!

I think the basket was... Very proud of his little beaker!

Five minutes 37 to make the cup overfloweth! Wow! Real nice!

But we did analyse Mawaan's attempt pretty closely

with the foot on the red.

He spotted something in Daisy's, so we should probably analyse...

We definitely should! ..the footage as well.

Only liquids may touch the red green.

Your time starts now.

GROANING

OK. Are you a liquid? Oh, I'm not allowed on there!

Just checking if you're a liquid. I am 97% liquid! Right.

Shall we just judge it on who did the best time?

LAUGHTER

I mean, I'm...

Never in the history of the whole show

have I felt contempt for all of them!

It's a sad day for everyone here.

I think we'll just, er, just have a couple of moments of silence.

GREG TUTS

GREG SIGHS

SUPPRESSED GIGGLES

Let's...let's just forget that ever happened.

Would you like to see the scoreboard?

Yeah. It hasn't changed a lot after that round.

Well, Richard's got five, Mawaan's four, Katherine three,

Daisy two, and Johnny one. Good times! All right, guys.

Pick yourselves up!

I'd like to see some sort of ensemble task now, please,

to bring us all together! Well, guess what?

I've got one ready for you,

and it's a showcase for everyone's incredible...acting skills!

Hello, Alex. Oh, hello, Johnny.

There's something else in there! A script.

Oh, no! No! No? Oh, gosh!

Learn your lines!

You have ten minutes to prepare for each of your parts.

Then one take to pull it off. Best performance wins.

Your first ten minutes starts now.

Who are you playing? Sam and Boss are highlighted.

Boss - ruthless businessperson from South Wales.

I don't do a Welsh accent! Wey aye, man! Did I just do that?!

See you in a bit! Good luck!

Argh! I can't do an Australian accent either, Alex!

I can't wait to hear it!

SHE MUTTERS

Which parts have you got to learn, Richard? They're all highlighted!

Sam, Nicky, Ross, Dr Buckley, Parker.

OK. Good luck! Thank you.

Yes, so they all had to learn two parts each. Yep.

Richard, five parts. So sorry, Richard.

Just a little admin error, was it? Should be cool.

They had ten minutes to learn each part. Yep.

And obviously they performed it in isolation,

but we've cut them together as if they were performing as one. Clever!

Very clever. These people are all professional entertainers,

I imagine this is going to be...quite the watch!

Well, here is the first version of a very powerful police movie

called The Smart Steak.

AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: All right, here I am.

Let's go, let's do this, everyone!

Here I am! Thanks for coming. Are you OK? No, I don't feel OK.

No, no, no. No. Aghh. No.

Would you like a hug? Uh, no, you big drongo!

I don't want a hug, and if I did want a hug, it wouldn't be from you!

So I'd rather sit in this bathtub.

Is that the line? It's a daggy bathtub.

I'd rather sit in this daggy bathtub! That's fair enough.

Yeeeaaah.

I've got the handcuffs! Strewth! You've got to be kidding me!

Oh, good to see you, Officer. Thanks for coming.

Atchoo! Bless you.

You call this galah? Galah... Yes, I did! Gala-a-a-h.

With my telephone.

And I think you know why I'm gathering you all here today.

It's not illegal to hide! Not yet.

WELSH ACCENT: Will you guys keep it down!

I've been in... I've...

I've just been in there trying to seal the deal with the guys

over in the United States!

Atchoo! Bless you.

Hey! I forgot you lived here. With me. How you doing? Darling...

Darling... Hm?

Darling. Darling!

How you doing, darling? Shut up, you...idiot!

Now, what's going on? I think you need to ask Dr Buckley!

GEORDIE ACCENT: Ha! I'm here! I was hiding!

That's illegal! Hey, it's not illegal to hide.

Bless you. Atchoo! Bless you. But it's damn rude!

And it's against the law!

No, it's not!

Alex, I hope you got all the evidence that

I typed up for you that you asked for.

And here's the £3,000 out of my accooont!

Ya knaw. Because I know it's all the money I've got,

but you said you needed it more, so I emptied my entire account.

I wrapped it up all dead neat for you. ..Alex.

So, I cannae, you know, I just cannae wait for you now.

Will you tell us who the real murderer is, like?

Thank you very much. HIGH PITCHED: Thank you very much!

I love all this. Like I said, I've got my handcuffs ready!

You lot are a bunch of massive losers! Don't speak to us like that!

LAUGHS LOUDLY

Is everyone OK? ALL: Yes, we're OK now.

That's good.

Except it's not good for everyone,

because I can now reveal that the murderer is...

Premiere there. Right, OK!

The only performance that I was absolutely captivated by

was Richard's. Thank you! Former American footballer, Parker.

Hiding in the bushes. I made that my own!

Absolutely nailing a mute pervert!

It's very important to steal focus as well.

And what happened with the professional actress

Katherine Parkinson and her lines?

OK, at the time of filming, I was preparing for, erm,

essentially a monologue on the Royal Court stage. Oh! In London town.

Right. And I just had so many lines I was learning in the breaks.

And I said, "Alex, please don't make me learn any more lines."

Didn't I? Yes. And so I'm afraid I did just toss it aside.

The awful thing is, though,

that very eloquent explanation is going to be edited out of the show.

And all people will see is that. And then, oh, no more acting for you!

Sorry!

I mean, all the accents -

Australian, Scottish, Welsh, Geordie.

Say what you want about Mawaan,

but he knows how to stay...consistent with an accent!

Do you want to hear Mawaan's...? Yes, I'd love to just test him now!

AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: OK? Go for it!

I've been to Australia many times, and it comes and goes, OK?

But overall, I'd say it...it always slips into Brummie!

From Australia to Birmingham! Lovely!

OK, time for some commercials. Come back soon!

Hello and welcome back for the third time today!

We're currently in the middle of a line learning

and acting task and it's going OK. Thanks, guys.

Here they are again, having learnt different lines

apart from Richard who is still behind a bush.

And keep an eye on Katherine doing some ad-lib in this part.

Here we go. Hm.

Sam?

Sam.

Here I am. Thanks for coming.

Are you OK?

Where have you been? No...

I missed you. Thank you for running me the bath.

Would you like a hug? Yes.

No, no. It's been so long and I've had such a hard day.

Fair enough.

Hellooooo!

Hey, I'm in the bath. Good to see you, officer. Thank you for coming.

Of course I came. You called me. I'm here to help!

Everybody, chill out.

Everyone, chill the fuck out!

Get in the bath.

HE SNEEZES

Bless you. Yes, I did call her with my telephone.

Can I have a look? Is that my phone or your phone?

And I think you know why I'm gathering everyone here today.

Oh, it's raining.

I do. And I brought my handcuffs, Alex. I cannae wait.

Will you guys keep it down?

I'm trying to seal the deal with the guys over in the United States,

over here.

Who's he? Sorry, ma'am.

HE SNEEZES

Bless you.

It is actually raining. Shut up, you...

..idiot.

Now, what's going on?

I think you need to ask Dr Buckley. Dr Buckley! I think...

I think you need to ask Dr Buckley. Here I am, I was hiding.

It's not illegal to hide.

HE SNEEZES

Bless you.

But it's damn rude.

Bloody 'ell, yes.

No, it's not.

No, stay in the bath, please. OK.

Tell me when to sing.

I have all that evidence for you, Alex.

I've typed it up neatly for you.

Like you asked for. I did. Oh...

And I got like £3,000 out of my bank account. Here it is, look.

It's all my money.

But you said that you needed it more than me,

so I got it all out and I wrapped it up.

So that you can tell us, which one of us the murderer is.

And that will be the end of the matter. Thank you, sir. Sorry, sir.

I'm loving this, by the way. Did I tell you I've brought my handcuffs?

Aaaa-chooo!

Sorry, ma'am.

You guys are massive losers. Sorry?

Not far off that time. Is everyone OK?

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

That's good. Except it's not good for everyone because I can now

reveal that the murderer is...

Did you prefer that one? I did.

I think because I was used to how awful they are.

I mean, Mawaan was the star of that for me.

And I didn't even go to drama school. Seriously? Yes.

Can you believe it?

If I didn't know better I would say you went to theatre

school in South Wales.

That's how good it was.

Royal Welsh. Yeah. Absolutely. That's what people will say.

So you decided, for the Geordie character, to stick with Welsh.

It sort of started off sort of Yorkshire actually,

and then it kind of just... Yeah.

You concentrated on remembering the lines and she got them.

That was a very long speech. Yeah.

They both actually got that long speech. She got that spot-on,

unlike Katherine who was just, you know,

tossing things in at random. We know why.

Johnny, pretty good actions, I thought. Really?

Mm. Do you not think?

It's a really rock solid, powerful performance.

Sadly, upstaged by...

..this guy LAUGHTER

Do you want to see a bit more of Richard

because he did do the other characters as well?

Yeah, I mean, OK.

It's time for our very own

Eddie Murphy, it's Rick, Rich, Richie, Dick and Richard Herring.

Right.

G'day! Here we go. I'm here. Let's go.

Where is everyone? Here I am.

Are you OK?

I don't feel OK.

No, no, no, no, no. No.

Would you like a hug?

I don't want a hug from you, you drongo.

No, I don't want a hug and if I did want a hug, which I don't,

it certainly wouldn't be from a drongo like you.

I'd rather sit in that daggy bathtub than have a hug with a great

drongo like you.

I'm going to do it, in fact, that's what I'm going to do.

That's fair enough.

Hellooooo!

Strewth. Erm, who let in that great galah?

Good to see you, officer, thank you for coming.

Of course I came, you asked me. I am here.

Why doesn't everyone chill out? HE SNEEZES

Bless you.

You called this galah?

Yes, I did, with my telephone. OK.

And I think you know why I've gathered everyone here today.

I do. I've got my handcuffs ready, Alex.

I'm very excited.

A-choo! Bless you.

Will you guys keep it down? I'm trying to seal the deal in here

with the guys over in the United States.

Sorry, ma'am. A-choo!

Bless you. Erm...

Ah! I didn't know you were here.

I forgot you were coming here, darling, my love.

Sort of.

Shut up, you...

..idiot. Now look, what's going on?

I think you need to ask Dr Buckley.

Ha! Here I am.

I was hiding all along.

But that's illegal. It's not illegal to hide. A-choo! Bless you, officer.

Aaah, fuck. But it's damn rude.

Aye, but it's damn rude. And it's against the law. No, it's not.

I've got all my evidence, hey, Alex, I've got all my evidence for you.

I typed it up neatly like you asked.

I got £3,000 out of my bank account and I brought it here for you.

It's all the money I got in the world

but you said you needed it more than I did so I got it out

and I wrapped it up for you and here it is. And now you can

tell us who the murderer is and that will be the end of the matter.

Oh, thank you, sir!

Sorry, sir.

Oh, I love all this. Like I said, I've got my handcuffs.

A-choo! Bless you.

Thank you. You guys are massive losers.

Don't remember... You're a loser, you idiot.

Oh! Hey, don't speak to us like that.

Whoop!

Is everyone OK? ALL: Yes!

We're all OK now.

That's good.

Except it's not good for everyone

because I can now reveal that the murderer is...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Oh. Tour de force. Thank you.

So many lines were bang on as well. So many. Really impressive.

The most impressive thing for me is that Richard,

playing four characters, all of whom were still

overshadowed by a mute character,

who appears to be masturbating in a bush.

That's the only kind of part I actually do get is...

With every new part, you appear to get physically tighter.

Every time a new character came in, you said, "Yehhhhh!"

But this, you've nailed...

LAUGHTER

You've nailed that, mate.

Yes, I remember back in 2020,

I was playing wanking man in a bush...

It was a very challenging role and people said I don't know

whether Herring is up to it.

All right. Do you want to score them? Yeah.

Unfortunately, I feel sorry for Katherine

because she's a fine actress,

but she was blighted by her successful career

and didn't learn enough lines and Mawaan's accents are insane

so I'm going to give both of them two points. Oh, OK.

Two points for these two. I still enjoyed the performance though.

Daisy, I think that the accent on the second character may have

snatched a point off her so I'm going to give her three points.

Three points to Daisy. That's fair.

Four points, I think that Johnny was consistent in his accent

and of course, you know,

the Oscar goes to...

..the Olivier of our times.

Five points to Richard Herring.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Oh, what's next, little Alex Horne?

It's our old friend the coconut.

MUSIC PLAYS

CLATTERING OF HOOVES

HORSE NEIGHS

What's up? Pardon?

What's up? Hello, Mawaan.

Ahhh! Right.

I reckon it is going to be about opening some coconuts.

"Drink one full tablespoon of coconut water."

"If you use the same coconut water extraction method as another

"contestant, you will both be disqualified."

"Fastest wins."

"Your time starts now."

So it should be quite unusual, although that's no guarantee.

No-one in that introduction gave me any confidence whatsoever

that they are going to open the coconut in a remotely original way.

OK, well, we're going to see a few of them together.

Here is Daisy, Mawaan and Johnny.

If my theory is correct, every other contestant will be

concerned about getting disqualified,

therefore I will use the easiest of methods,

therefore I will win.

So the non-obvious thing would be to...

..peel it, all the way until I get to water?

No, that's going to take ages.

Right, so I'm guessing they used either the hammer or that.

Erm...

People won't use that

cos they'll think everyone is going to use that.

Actually, do you know what?

I feel like everyone, no-one is just going to smash it open

because they'll be like that is too obvious

and someone else has done that but then no-one will do it.

SLURPING

Ah!

It be empty.

Oh, it's leaking.

It's run out.

It's all on the table.

What is it? OK. It's all right.

I've stopped the clock.

It's fresh. OK, well thank you. Thanks.

Mm, right. So they all basically had the same idea

and did a really rubbish... Ah.

But we didn't though, because I used a screwdriver and a hammer.

And the straw. They were slightly different techniques.

Yeah, and I used a bag.

So these two cats have cancelled themselves out straight away.

Johnny is leading the way

and he just blew a hole in it with a screwdriver.

He was quick as well, 57 seconds. All right.

Do you want to see Richard having a crack? You know I do.

"Fastest wins. Your time starts now."

I'll put on some of these just in case. Be sensible. Erm...

It's a straw isn't it? Good.

Please be careful.

Have to drink it.

I guess someone else might do that though, eh?

My God, it's like watching a pensioner at a B&B,

having his breakfast.

HE SMACKS HIS LIPS

It's tasty, isn't it? Right.

We're three parts down so it won't be long before one lucky

winner takes home Daisy's panty liner and Catherine's dead wasp.

Yeah!

APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome back to Who Wants To Be A Silly On Air.

LAUGHTER

We'd nearly finished the coconut task, hadn't we, Alex?

We sure had.

They all got into it, they all drank,

and they all did reasonably well. One to go. And, thankfully,

she didn't have to you not learn any lines for this one.

It's Katherine Parkinson.

OK. So that's my tablespoon.

We've got something to peel.

That is a straw, so that's good.

"Drink one full tablespoon of coconut water."

We have some in the kitchen.

It's not breaking any rules, is it?

Amazing.

Took me awhile to open the fridge.

But, once I managed it, this was in there.

So, what was your extraction technique?

Well, my extraction method was I went to the fridge.

Oh, right, I see.

Thank you, Katherine. Thanks. Goodbye.

APPLAUSE

Well, I would say she did the task.

The rest of the attempts were absolutely shameful.

At least you gave it some thought,

after you rubbed your little tangerine.

Well, these two went out early. They're out. These two... Zero!

..opened it in the same way, but then extracted it in different ways.

Shaking or sucking.

Yeah, OK.

Richard was the quickest, then Johnny. Katherine was the slowest,

but seemed to be the only one to use a different method.

Five points to Katherine, four points to Richard,

three points to Johnny.

Katherine wins it on style. On style.

Very unusual.

APPLAUSE

A quick look at the scoring board.

The actor is winning the episode.

Richard has 14 points.

Wow.

So deserved. OK, everybody.

Make your way to the stage for the final task of the show!

Hello, there. Hello, Greg. What's happening?

I'd like Richard Herring to read the task.

"Stare at your opponent without blinking.

"You must both be pulling the face that the taskmaster chooses.

"First person to blink, look away or do the wrong expression loses.

"Each team member gets two points for each team victory."

So, it's a team task.

But we've changed the teams, Greg, for this one occasion.

Lovely.

After the fireworks last time, we've separated Daisy and Richard.

Oh-ho!

And it's now boys versus girls. Right, got it. Yes!

Well, it's a normal staring contest, except that Greg will give

you something to be doing while staring at each other.

So, first up, it's Richard versus Katherine.

What would you like Katherine to be doing?

I'd like Katherine to be staring whilst pretending

that she's angry with some boys who are making noise outside.

She's got that.

Richard, what should he be doing?

We all know what Richard's good at.

I'm going to push him to do something different.

I would like Richard to imagine

that he's a small girl lost in the woods. Aw!

Angry lady versus small girl.

Please start staring on the whistle.

Good luck.

WHISTLE

LAUGHTER

He's got gears.

I think we both blinked at the same time.

We blinked at the same time.

They blinked at the same time. Unheard of.

OK, Greg. We've analysed the footage. Yes?

The winner won by three frames.

She blinked three frames after him. Yes!

Two points to the girls.

Well played.

Mawaan, step up to the...

Nice to see the actress clawing back some credibility there. Lovely.

Greg, it's Mawaan versus Daisy. OK.

What would you like Daisy May Cooper to be doing?

She is...

..a chicken auctioneer...

LAUGHTER

Who is trying to do her job,

despite the fact she needs to sneeze.

Wow, a lot going on there.

That's a lot of layers. What's Mawaan doing?

Mawaan is a professor who keeps having good ideas.

OK, a chicken auctioneer versus a professor.

Good luck, teams.

Your time starts...

WHISTLE

I've just looked at you, I think I did blink. There was a blink.

There was a blink. Two points to the boys this time.

I'm sorry.

Just confirm what was happening? Is trying to stop myself from sneezing.

I see, I genuinely didn't know what you were doing.

It's the final bout.

Everyone so far has won two points.

Vegas versus Parkinson. Sorry, mate.

Greg, what would you like Katherine Parkinson to do?

Katherine Parkinson is a teacher who is trying to maintain

discipline whilst realising the chewing gum

she has popped into her mouth

was in fact a small block of soap.

So, chewing, disgustedly, while teaching. That's correct.

Johnny Vegas? He's a frog who needs a sleep.

Yes, he is. Easy.

Sleepy frog versus chewing teacher. And...

WHISTLE

Ribbit.

Ribbit! WHISTLE

There was a Parkinson blink. It's two more points to the boys.

So, the sleepy frog takes it.

APPLAUSE

Come back down, we'll add all that to the final scores.

Welcome. What happened?

There was blinking, there was happiness and there was sadness.

There was. And the sleepy frog won it.

All the boys got four points, all the girls got two points.

The series leaderboard is unbelievable.

They're all in triple figures, finally.

Daisy's been the lead since episode three.

She is now in second place,

one point away from Richard on 124 points.

Wow. It's exciting.

This episode, I think there can only be one winner, really. Of course.

That winner, with a total of 18 points at the end,

was Richard Herring!

Richard wins. Please go and gather your winning wings.

So, what have we learned today?

I think Shakespeare put it best when he said,

"If thee were my fool,

"I'd have thee whipped for being old before thy time."

"How's that?"

"Thou should have been wise before thou wast old."

"Oh, let me not be mad. Not mad, sweet heaven!

"Keep me in temperament that I may not be mad!"

Or as Richard Herring would put it,

"HOO!"

That's the end of another show! Two to go.

But, now, let's see tonight's winner bask in their glory once more.

It's Richard Herring!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media