Original subtitles

[bell ringing]

Goin' somewhere?

Oh, uh, [laughs]...

I like to get the flood flowing before class.

Yeah, at first I thought you didn't want to sit next to me.

Like maybe you were embarrassed about losing your cool

and recruiting an entire army of children

to knock down your own fence.

I'm not looking for an argument, Aidan.

Let's just keep a safe distance from each other

until graduation.

Graduation?!

Someone's an underachiever.

I'm shootin' for forever.

- What's this? - Pop quiz.

What?! Miss Wilson didn't tell us we had a quiz.

I believe that's the "pop" part.

But what do I know? I'm just an underachiever.

I know I'm better than this, but I'm not gonna lie--

it's fun to watch him suffer.

[rhythmic tapping]

Do you mind?

Helps me concentrate.

Well, it does the opposite for me.

Great. Now we know where everyone stands.

- [tapping continues] - [scoffs]

I don't know which bugs me more--

his fingers or his face.

Fingers, face. Fingers, face.

Fingers, face.

[Harley] Honestly, it's a toss-up.

It's impossible to avoid this guy.

I'm an inventor, though.

I should be able to figure this out.

[chain rattles]

No, a fence is what started all of this.

Oh! How about...

- [engine revving] - Good-bye, drummer boy!

Eh, he'll just come back when the batteries die.

Maybe... teleportation! Send him to Mars!

Wait. I want to be the first person on Mars.

Better send him to Venus.

[zaps]

It's 800 degrees there--

a perfect fit for all his hot air.

[laughs] Hot air.

Hey, Miss Wilson said pencils down.

Wilson said what?

I didn't finish. I didn't even start.

You should try drumming.

Helps you focus.

[imitates rim shot]

Coming for my backyard is bad enough,

but messing with my grades? Too far.

I'm at least three years away from inventing a teleporter,

but when I do, forget Venus--

this jerk's booked a ticket to the sun.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels like things are outta control ♪

♪ Like you're living in a circus ♪

♪ Tryin' to figure out your way in the world ♪

♪ Where you're at is kinda perfect ♪

♪ So turn it up, turn it up ♪

♪ Do your thing, don't stop ♪

♪ Let the games begin, let's jump right in ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the middle of the party ♪

♪ We're just getting started ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the eye of a tornado, rowin' in the same boat ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ Get stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

[Harley, over PA] Lastly, the results are in.

Tomorrow, the news you've all been waiting for--

who will win the epic battle for class president.

[bell dings]

- Will it be Steve? - [applause]

- Will it be Geneva? - [applause]

Will you be able to sleep until you find out?

- [snoring]

[laughs] I know I won't.

Breaking election results right here during Friday's announcements.

This was Harley on the mic. Thanks for listening.

Not that you have a choice--

I'm playing through all the speakers in the school.

[sign-off music]

Oh, hi. Thanks for waiting until the "on air" light went off this time.

Uh, yeah. Well, you learn fast

after you've had a mic thrown at your head.

I woulda thrown these, but it took me two days

to get the bling just right.

So...

how about letting your BFTF

get a peek at the election results?

I want to make a big bet with the lunch lady.

I'm talkin', like, a whole week's worth of potato tots.

I'd hate to see Rosie clean you out again.

I'm sorry. The results are kept in a sealed envelope.

Ohh.

Whoo! Scary doodle.

- Who's the ugly dude standing on the sun? - It's Aidan.

I'm still working on his fangs and--

Bake sale! Ohh!

I'm not sure bake sale goes with your whole monster motif.

No! I forgot to announce the bake sale.

I was too distracted thinking about melting Aidan.

He's in two of my classes.

[laughs] He's in my grade,

and you have more classes with him than I do.

That's what you get for being smart.

I'm telling you, this guy is so annoying,

he's one drummity-drum of the fingers away

from landing on the Dead to Diaz list.

The Diaz kids have a tradition:

We can each declare one person Dead to Diaz,

and then they're off-limits to all of us.

Lewie and Beast declared their arch-rival twins,

Poopie and Goon.

Daphne declared her babysitter that kept calling Daphne a doll,

and Georgie declared climate change.

I'm not sure Georgie gets it.

But you're the middle kid.

You get along with everyone!

You're the only one who's never had a person on the list.

Ach, you're right. I am.

Plus, there are more constructive ways to deal with this.

Baseball hat that smooshes his head,

folding umbrella made of dynamite--

Boom! Yes, that's a good one.

Is it just me, or have your inventions taken a dark turn?

Just problem solving, Mom.

[Bethany] ♪ Ding dong! ♪

I was doing some cleanup

after the most recent border war your daughter started.

Kudos on being the sort of neighbor

to make me utter that sentence.

Thanks! But it's really a nine-person effort.

Well, I hope we're still on to supervise

Harley and Aiden's replanting by the fence this afternoon?

Yes, I'll be there with bushes, mulch,

and stern mom face.

Well, it's never too late to start parenting.

- Mm-hmm. - I'm hoping I can count on you

to help with the school bake sale this week?

Ooh, sorry, I'm really busy.

I won't have time to make my world-famous brownies.

I'm selling my kale-licious healthy milkshakes.

Kids' health is important to me, so...

anyhoo, see you in a bit.

Can't wait!

[door closes]

That woman is so annoying, telemarketers hang up on her.

- Yup. - That's it? "Yup"?

She drives you crazy.

Not anymore.

But Ms. Peters is your Aidan.

How'd you keep your cool?

Lately, I've been trying out a new technique.

It's working great, huh?

Yeah. You need to teach me so I can use it with Aidan.

I know I'm way beyond you in science,

but there are still some things I can learn from you.

Like how to ask for a favor without insulting the person you're asking?

Sure. We'll pencil that in for next week.

[Ethan] Remember,

we need a new hit show.

What do people like to watch? Drama.

And there's nothing more exciting than the life-or-death drama

of the people who work on the high seas.

What is this?

Dad, we need you to take us out on a boat

directly into a huge storm.

And we need a crew.

Is there any employees you wouldn't miss

if they fell overboard?

Yeah, I'm not gonna answer that with a camera present.

So what are you guys up to?

We're doing our new show-- Vicious Fish.

My channel's been losing subscribers

ever since these two bailed on Trash Twins.

You've eaten one chocolate-dipped tuna sandwich,

you've eaten 'em all.

It was time to move on.

We didn't want to be seen as garbage eaters forever.

Not professionally, anyway.

Sorry, but I'm docked here at the store.

Gotta rotate the chum.

- [groans] - A small setback.

The water isn't the only place for a deep sea show.

I'm sure there's plenty of life-or-death drama

right here at the store.

[Beast] Vicious Fish!

Drama next to the high seas!

Every day the great men and women who take to the sea

come here first to prepare for their hard-fought battles

with the ocean's most dangerous beasts.

A post card?

[post card holder squeaks]

Maybe one last correspondence with a loved one

before he's torn to shreds by a school of barracuda!

Vicious!

Will that licorice be his last meal?

Vicious!

Local store owner Tom Diaz

has been peddling harpoons and shark bait

for 18 dangerous years.

- [phone rings] - Tom's Bait and Bite.

Whoa. That's a real problem.

A real problem?

No doubt a weary fisherman has found himself

trapped in the eye of the storm,

at the mercy of Mother Nature.

Well, if you're out of meatball, I'll go chicken parm.

Man in crisis makes a quick decision.

That was a close one.

Vicious!

[croaking]

Vicious Fish!

- [splashing] - [man screams]

We can all agree this stinks, right?

Mm-hmm.

So here's my secret to handling Bethany.

Whatever she says, I agree.

- That's it? - Yes.

Turns out, the quickest way to end an argument

is just to agree with the other person.

I finally realized that's what your dad does to me.

So, now I say yes... for no distress.

I came up with that.

Pretty snappy. I could see that on a T-shirt.

Thanks! I had another method I tried,

but it wasn't as good.

Bethany! Bethany! Bethany!

Ooh!

That explains why our throw pillows are so flat.

Just try using my technique on Aidan

while you're working on the fence.

I don't know. There's so many annoying things about him.

He's self-centered, it's always "me, me, me."

He always corrects whatever I say like he knows better.

Oh, and he does this obnoxious drumming with his fingers.

[rhythmic tapping]

It's annoying, right? You can see how it's annoying.

Yeah, I'll try your technique.

[laughs] It's gonna be a lot of work

fixing this fence we ruined, huh, neighbor?

"We"? Only one of us had a tiny army and a bike tank.

Yeah. That's true.

Guess I got a little carried away.

Whatever.

As long as there are no pop quizzes, you should be fine.

Right?

You better take it.

I'll never get through this if weapons are an option.

I... like the placement of those shrubs.

Well, actually, these aren't shrubs.

These are flowers.

You can tell from the... flowers.

[laughs] Yes. You're right.

I stand corrected.

It's not like I practice lacrosse for no reason.

I scored 32 goals last year.

I was interviewed in the local paper.

I make a mean grilled cheese.

Hmm!

I lived in Italy for a year.

I changed the spark plugs on my dad's car.

I think I got something in my eye.

I. I. I.

I. I. I. I. I. I.

Cool! Amazing. Wow.

[rhythmic beating]

...just a precautionary fumigation.

That's all I'm suggesting.

Yes! Yes.

Needless to say, I was named team M.V.P.

- Yes! - One year I scored 50.

That's how I got my nickname.

"Ace man."

Ace man. [laughs]

Catchy.

Wow, I didn't know you had so many interesting things to say about yourself.

Good thought. More yogurt in my diet would be helpful.

Yes. Interesting.

You're so right.

Good point. I do sound like that.

Y'know, Suzy, this afternoon has been surprisingly enjoyable.

Yes.

Y'know, this wasn't terrible.

Yes, it wasn't.

[Lewie] That was the day

the red tide brought in... beach snakes.

[Tom] Guys.

Is that bait from the store?

Short answer: Yes.

We're faking a giant snake infestation.

There's no drama here. This place is boring.

Yeah. We've been here all day

and we haven't seen a shark attack,

a tidal wave, not even one ghost of a dead fisherman.

Well, I'm sorry I run a not-very-interesting store

that paid for your video equipment.

No more filming here.

Tomorrow you guys are Mom's problem.

[pained grunts]

So, to recap, we have no location,

no storyline, and a big mess to clean up.

- Not "it"! - Good luck with that.

I can hear the people unsubscribing

from my channel right now.

"Yes for no distress" really worked.

If I could get through three hours of "I, I, I, tappity-tap-tap,"

I think I can handle Aidan at school.

You've inspired me.

I'm gonna volunteer at that bake sale Bethany's been hounding me about.

Ooh, are you gonna make your famous homemade brownies?

- Yes. Are you gonna help me? - No.

Sorry, Mom, I gotta save my yeses for tomorrow.

We're Internet failures.

- You know what would help? A cake pop. - Mm-hmm.

Aw. Here's a dollar for your pain.

- A dollar? For both of us? - [whispers] Take it.

People give a discount on damaged goods.

We squeeze a few cookies, we eat like kings!

Let's go!

Check it! Perfect store on my quiz.

I yessed my way into ignoring Aidan.

Look at us. I'm baking, and you're sizzling.

I'm back to getting along with everyone.

Love to chat, but I'm gonna have to go announce the election results.

I've been practicing.

"And the winner is Steve!"

"And the winner is Geneva!"

I hope Geneva wins. Her name is way more fun to say.

Genevah!

Hey.

I de-blinged these.

I know no one can see me while I'm doing these announcements,

but they made me look dumb.

I do the announcements. This is my booth!

Actually, it's the school's.

No, it's--

[laughs] Yes. Of course.

I just meant I designed it and put it together,

so it's my thing.

Well, Principal Kramer's thing is getting the new kid involved.

And I used to do announcements at my old school.

So here I am, doing my thing.

Aaaah!

Sorry you had to see that.

Look, now isn't the best time to start.

Today is the biggest announcement of the year--

class election results.

I've been prepping for weeks.

I've got sound effects, trivia,

and then... I hit 'em with the big reveal.

So are you saying that I can't do the announcements?

I wouldn't say no.

Yes! You can read some of them.

Ooh! Here's the lunch menu.

Salisbury steak is back!

Real crowd pleaser.

Go on. Just go now.

Move over here. Thanks.

Hey! What are you feeling today?

Peanut butter or chocolate chip?

Hmm, chocolate chip.

Sir, this cookie's defective. Here's a nickel.

[Bethany] Healthy and delicious.

Hang on.

Just kale and soy milk.

Mom and Ms. Peters at a bake sale?

Our search for drama might not be dead just yet!

You know, this has been such a pleasant surprise.

You actually showed up today,

hooligans in tow.

Yes. Thanks for inviting me.

And your kale-licious healthy milkshakes look delicious.

Oh, thanks. So do your...

Brownies. They're brownies.

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

[both laughing]

Get ready. They're smiling, but their jaws are clenched.

Just give it time.

I'll cue you when it's your turn.

Honestly, I envy you.

The lunch menu is as important as what I'm about to read.

- Wanna trade? - And we're on the air.

[giggles] Hey, Marshport High, it's Harley comin' atcha.

We've got a great lineup of announcements for you today,

including the big one--

the final result of the student election.

But first let's talk about that crazy new bus pickup schedule--

Congrats, Geneva. You won class president.

We'll be right back.

Why?! Why would you do that?!

You were going on and on.

The people want the news now.

We're back, and so is Salisbury steak.

Make sure to tell lunch lady Rosie

that Ace Man sent you.

[air horn blows]

What is the point of being nice to you?!

You seem mad.

Wanna read the rest of the lunch menu?

Of course I'm mad!

I've been practicing saying "Geneva!" for weeks!

And I even practiced saying "Steve,"

even though we all knew he never had a chance!

You are the worst! You are rude,

self-centered,

obnoxious, rude--

Did I say "rude" twice?

Yeah! That's because you're twice as rude

as anyone I've ever met!

I can't believe my mom and I

wasted time pretending to be nice to you and your aunt

so you guys would stop driving us nuts!

Do you think she actually liked looking

at Ms. Peters' scrunched-up judgy face?

Her words, not mine!

Uh, that was taken... out of context.

Kids, right?

You were right. It's paying off.

Harley doesn't know she's on air.

I-I've gotta go tell her.

- ...captain of that pirate ship! - [gasps]

Oh, but Ms. Peters is about to flip the table!

No. No, I've gotta go. Keep filming.

[Harley] Everything you do enrages me!

...if I drive you so crazy,

then why did you show up here with your way-too-dry brownies?

I am sick and tired of your insults!

My brownies are not dry. They are delicious.

[grunting]

Unhh!

[Harley shouting over PA]

So good.

Tears, fighting, dry baked goods.

It's all here on the Mad Housemoms of Marshport.

...and what bugs me the most is the drumming,

the drumming on the bench, drumming on the bench,

drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum,

drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum!

You're not the only person on the planet!

Let's watch as this bake sale turns into a bake fail.

What point are you even trying to make right now?

Best. Brownies. Ever!

[Harley shouting over PA]

What are you looking at?!

This is what sugar does.

...drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum--

You're on air!

[distant laughter]

And finally,

the late bus will be leaving at 4:15 today.

Thank you.

What are you looking at?!

You want a kale-licious milkshake? Nobody wants that.

Best brownies here!

[Beast] The Mad Housemoms of Marshport.

- Delicious! - [all laughing]

I'm not a big fan of reality, but this I would watch.

Wait long enough and this family always delivers.

Executive producer Beast.

I like the sound of that.

I'm sorry I lost it today.

I guess I haven't quite nailed down that technique.

I know the feeling.

I broadcast a total meltdown in front of the whole school.

Well, I got on the bus at 4:15, so... win?

Getting along with difficult people isn't easy.

I guess we could both use some more practice.

You know what'll make you feel better?

Topping off those brownies with some more pizza.

Not sure it will, but I'm willing to try.

It's time to put Aidan on the Dead To Diaz list.

As much as I want to, I've never put anyone on that list before,

and I'm not gonna start now.

I don't want to be that person.

Well, I don't mind being that person.

Anyone who treats my BFTF like that is dead to us.

So, what do you say, guys?

Aidan? Dead to Diaz?

[both] Hear, hear!

- Cheers. - Mm.

[Harley] Do I have an enemy out there? Yes.

Do I have my family on my side? Yes.

Can I coexist with Aidan?

Not sure, but I'm going to try.

After all, I'm an inventor.

I should have stuck to my strengths.

Anti-Aidan ears.

They cancel out the specific frequency of his voice

so I can't hear him.

[Aiden] ...natural ability for science.

Yeah, after this semester

they're gonna be calling me the Ace Man

for another reason.

I always get good grades. So good, in fact, that...

[Harley] With some people,

hearing them out is a solution.

With Aidan, not hearing him at all works best.

[car horn honks]