Original subtitles

[Harley]Christmas is a magical time of year in the Diaz house,

full of holiday traditions--

the fight over who gets to hang the star on the tree,

the fight over who gets the biggest stocking,

the fight over...

I'm realizing it's a lot of fighting.

But one thing we can all agree on

is making our pasteles.

I'm going to pretend you didn't use those

to dig for worms.

Wait, how long do you steam these pasteles?

Rachel, of course, chose the one job

she could do without looking up from her phone--

setting the timer for the steamer.

She also chose to go to France this Christmas

with her friend's family,

so the pastele train is cut short.

I'll ask Mom.

Never mind. You're busy.

I guess somebody has to callabuela. Who wants to...

This time of year,

no one wants to callabuela.

Not because we don't love her.

We have the bestabuela in the world.

She even has a T-shirt to prove it.

Will you come to Florida for Christmas?

Seeing you all would be the best gift I could get.

[doorbell rings]

[Harley]We always mean to, but we never do,

which leads to our least favorite holiday tradition--

disappointing abuela.

I try to make up for it.

Every year, I make her a special ornament

of our family for her tree.

But a special ornament of her family on her tree

isn't the same as our actual family around her tree.

Safer, but not the same.

[abuela] Steam them for one hour.

I'm making mine tomorrow.

Nobody makes pasteles like yourabuela.

I know.

They're the pastel-iest.

So Harley...

Here it comes. The ask.

Are you as cringe-y as I am right now?

Hot yoga's starting, mijita, gotta run.

She didn't even ask.

Abuela's giving up on us.

We have to go to Florida!

Right after urgent care.

Abuela's the only person who actually wants our family to visit.

She didn't even ask?

That's bad.

Next year, Florida.

We've been promising that for so long,

even I'm not buying it.

Nowabuela's lost faith in us.

We have to show her we still have our act together.

You mean lie?

You always say Christmas is the season of believing.

I believe we can do this.

You must also believe

that a giant money tree just sprouted in the yard,

because last-minute plane tickets will be a fortune, Harley.

Hey, Rachel ditched us for France.

That's one less plane ticket to buy.

I know how we can pay for the trip.

Don't buy us kids the big family gift we picked out.

Huh. I guess if you all want to...

Yes!

Start decking those halls,abuela.

We're coming for Christmas, and this year, we mean it.

Promise.

The other kids are good with this?

You want us to give up our pool table?!

[angry clamoring]

That is a ho-ho- horrible idea.

[clamoring continues]

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels like things are outta control ♪

♪ Like you're living in a circus ♪

♪ Tryin' to figure out your way in the world ♪

♪ Where you're at is kinda perfect ♪

♪ So turn it up, turn it up ♪

♪ Do your thing, don't stop ♪

♪ Let the games begin, let's jump right in ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the middle of the party ♪

♪ We're just getting started ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the eye of the tornado, rowin' in the same boat ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ Get stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

It took four months for us to agree on the pool table

as our big gift, and now you want us to give it up?

If anyone would like to be my new BFTF, there's an opening.

I knew we should've went with crocodile moat.

This wouldn't be a problem.

It'd be half dug by now.

Classic Diaz family over-think.

I can't go to Florida.

I've spent months collecting toys for the toy drive here.

Just drop them off before we leave.

Drop off. Listen to you.

The best part of the toy drive is matching gift to receiver.

And I don't wanna brag, but finding the perfect gift for each person

is kind of my super power.

It's true. How do you think we came up with the pool table?

Are you eating pasteles?

You gave back our perfect gift.

Maybe lose the judge-y.

I feel bad we can't go, butabuela will understand.

She loves us, even though we're us.

Okay, I didn't wanna have to tell you guys this,

but when I called her earlier,

she didn't even ask

if we were coming to visit her for Christmas.

[all gasp]

What?! No guilt trip?

No "seeing you all would be the best gift I could get"?

- 'Fraid not. - We brokeabuela.

This all feels so wrong now.

Guys, no one does the holidays likeabuela.

Plus, a beach Christmas?

That's the best of two seasons jammed into one.

So who's with me?

[all] Beach Christmas!

I madeabuela my most special ornament ever.

Cool, huh? Press the button,

and let it snow.

And best of all,

none of these little Diazes have to shovel it.

Just gotta store it somewhere safe.

We found the sleeper seats.

Is that the flight attendant?

Order me a cranberry juice.

Guys, that's where the luggage goes.

We didn't bring luggage. Georgie's using it.

Beach vacation.

Harley, all you need is a bathing suit.

You're not supposed to be up there.

Santa knows when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake,

and he knows when you're annoying the entire coach section of an airplane.

Eh. We've been so bad this year,

we've already blown it.

We're usually on the coal list by Valentine's Day.

Santa's super old.

He's lucky if he remembers to put his pants on

before he gets in the sleigh.

These last few days are the only thing he's gonna remember.

Lewie, we got a do-over.

We're back in the gift game.

We gotta get outta here before Santa sees.

Or Dad sees. You're punished. Get outta there.

Excuse me, sir. Don't be alarmed.

I'm just using your left shoulder as a step.

He's not. You're not.

[Georgie] Sorry.

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

Merry Christmas, or whatever holiday

is meaningful to you and your family.

Excuse me, miss. You're gonna have to check that.

I can't. I already checked five bags of toys.

He's for a very special yet-to-be determined underprivileged child,

and he can't be damaged.

I'll just put him under the seat.

He looks bigger than he is.

Oh! Piece of cake.

Do you like cake? I love it.

Chocolate, vanilla, marble, black forest, Bundt.

You know what? You go ahead and do your thing,

I'll make us a list, okay?

Why are you wearing my seat?

It said these can be used as flotation devices.

I'm taking this body surfing.

Why don't you use your own?

We need those in case of emergency.

They're your brothers, it's Christmas.

Your brothers. It's Christmas.

Whoever's assigned to that seat isn't going to like Deathnee sitting there.

That's the point. There's always

an extra seat on a plane.

So we need to make whoever's sitting here want to sit over there.

No one changes seats to avoid a doll with a bad haircut.

She's the first line of attack.

Me and you are the second.

Sick or crying. Which one do you want?

I'm not pretending to be...

[crying and coughing]

It's too bad we couldn't all get seats together.

Yeah, but, you know,

last-minute tickets, kids can't sit in exit rows.

You didn't even try, did you?

The kids are locked in a tube with paid babysitters.

We got aisle seats, and you're gonna question this?

Oh, here you go, sir.

This seat is empty.

"Welcome aboard Where To Air.

Generic greeting welcoming passengers."

Oh, shoot, I'm supposed to fill that in.

Anyway, we'll be dashing through the skies,

and reaching sunny Florida in two hours and 15 minutes.

[seatbelt bell dings]

Look at all those other dummies,

squished together, sharing arm rests.

We are so the smartest Diaz kids.

Hello, fellow travelers,

and Santa, who might be listening.

As a special gift for this holiday season,

please enjoy arm fart "Jingle Bells,"

brought to you by the one and only Lewie and Beast Diaz.

Yeah, maybe we keep that Diaz thing to ourselves.

Yeah.

Feel free to sing along.

Don't call the flight attendant.

Keep this between the three of us,

and these are yours.

And there's more where that came from.

I'm watching Heather's Cottage,

and Lord Dalliwag just died of consumption.

Do you have a tissue?

Please give me a real challenge.

The parent pouch holds all. Harley made it.

This puppy is completely waterproof,

fireproof, and thief-proof.

Thief-proof? There's a dollar bill hanging out of it.

[alarm sounds]

[Harley's voice] Stop, thief, stop, thief.

Harley didn't explain this feature.

[alarm and Harley's voice continue]

Uh, do you have an eight?

Hit the bricks, loser.

You're supposed to say go fish.

I know.

Party's over.

Nice try, but I know that routine.

Even the plane's telling you to leave.

- [bell dings] - Put your seatbelt on.

"We're very sorry to inform you,

but due to storms in our flight path,

our plane is being diverted to Columbus, Ohio."

- [passengers exclaiming] - Ohio?!

That's nowhere nearabuela.

"We'll be landing soon.

Express sympathy and begin final pass through cabin."

Shoot. Did it again.

Excuse me, miss.

My family has Christmas plans in Florida.

How soon till we can get another flight?

How many of you are there?

- Eight. - We can cut this guy loose.

Well, based on the storm and re-booking,

we should probably have you there by New Year.

But we'll miss Christmas.

You won't miss Christmas.

You'll be having it at the airport.

Okay, we need a plan.

We are not "Christmas at the airport" people.

Exactly. Our water wings will do us no good here.

Unless they have a fountain.

Does a fountain of bad ideas count, 'cause that's you.

Leave it to us to travel two hours to get

further away fromabuela than where we started.

We'll have to wait it out here for a few days.

If we're lucky, the airport won't run out of cinnamon buns.

But we made a promise to be there for Christmas.

Abuela's going to think this is one more time we didn't try.

And last year, we claimed we were on our way,

and got diverted, so we used that bullet.

We did? Darn. There goes my big idea.

Look, I know we're all disappointed,

but what can we do?

I know one thing you can do.

Get off the plane.

We landed 20 minutes ago.

This isn't over, guys.

Flying's not the only way to travel.

[all yelling]

[Ethan] Keep your hands to yourself.

Just 20 hours to Florida.

Start the car, Dad.

There go the keys. I'm just gonna scoot the seat back.

Ow! That's my favorite leg.

Sir, you must have something bigger.

Sorry. These are the last two cars I have left to rent.

Holiday rush and all.

We're gonna have to take turns breathing.

When I inhale, someone exhale.

[Harley] What about that? That's the perfect size for us.

Some rock group was supposed to come pick it up,

but their flight got re-routed.

You ever hear of Pants Inferno? No? Me neither.

But that's not for regular drivers. It requires a Class B license.

I have one.

With seven kids, I'm always one kid away

from needing a bus for basic family transportation.

I'll give you a deal on it.

But if you see Pants Inferno, play dumb.

Rock star tour bus.

This road trip is on!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I'm glad our plane got diverted.

Forget Pants Inferno.

The Diaz family is rolling like jingle bell rock stars.

And we're still on track to be atabuela's by Christmas.

Stop the bus! Deathnee's missing!

Deathnee's missing? I know you had her at the airport.

I saw the other passengers recoiling as you walked off the plane.

And I got stuck with Lewie and Beast in my rental car,

because Deathnee needed room to spread.

I can track her on my phone.

I planted a microchip after that day we spent

digging up the backyard because Daphne forgot

where she buried her alive.

So where is she?

Relax. She's only...

sixty miles away.

Moving in the opposite direction?

We left her in the rental car.

- Oh! - We did what?!

All right, everyone, just like we practiced.

No sudden movements. Back away slowly.

Don't panic. We lost Deathnee, but we have eyes on.

My chip has an RF signal

that will pinpoint her exact location.

I've never been so glad you're a nerd.

How on earth did we leave her in the rental car?

Oh, this happened because you were all too distracted.

That's it. Devices here.

- Come on. - Nope.

- But-- - Nope.

Put these in your man-purse.

It's called a parent pouch.

I'll also accept dad bag.

Call it what you want.

Deathnee's on the loose. Let's go.

I don't wanna make another stop.

I've been holding in my pee since we left,

just so I can go in the ocean.

Me, too. Press on.

Great. I'll let Santa know you chose ocean pee

over your sister's favorite doll.

Dad, turn this thing around.

What kind of lunatic would drive 30 miles on unpaved road?

Maybe Deathnee ditched the family and she's at the wheel.

I picked the wrong year to makeabuela a glass ornament.

We're approaching a campground.

According to this, Deathnee should be right here.

Tom, stop the bus.

Okay, kids, let me and your mom go over there.

Uh, too late.

Play time's over. Give it, girl.

Her name is Joyanne, and she doesn't want to give you the doll.

You've got two seconds before I get all up in that.

Sorry. It's just that Deathnee's more than a doll.

She's my daughter's best friend.

Her only friend.

She's not that nice.

I don't know who you are, or how you found us,

or what strange family band you're fronting.

We are trying to enjoy our annual holiday trip,

and frankly, this feels aggressive.

Oh, I'll show you aggressive.

Whoa, whoa.

Merry Christmas. I just saved you a tetanus shot.

Hang on. What if Joyanne gets a different doll?

I've got a whole bunch for the toy drive.

She could just pick one.

No. She's mine! I love her.

It's the only doll she's ever liked.

She's the only doll I ever liked.

He's got two seconds before I'm all up in that.

I'll give you three suitcases of toys for Deathnee.

But, Georgie, that's your entire toy drive.

You've been collecting that for months.

Yeah, but, what I love most about the toy drive

is matching people to the perfect gift.

And Deathnee is your perfect gift.

Yay!

Campfire smoke?

It's called emotion, Harley.

Did you not see what just happened here?

You're a good big sister.

But what about your toy drive?

I'll have to get more toys.

Not sure how,

but Christmas is the season of believing, right?

Hey, look, a penny.

Face up. It's good luck.

And we could use some...

...luck.

It's possible I forgot to zip the pouch.

Ironically, the only thing that didn't slip out of Dad's hands was this.

This is what I put on the parent pouch

to keep thieves from grabbing it.

Yeah, my whoopsy daisy slippery spray-sies.

Yeah, that's more fun to say when I'm not this upset.

I just hope Santa doesn't think this was our fault.

Yeah. This has Lewie and Beast written all over it.

No, even you guys haven't destroyed this much

this fast.

Guys, enough with the faces.

I got Deathnee back. This is all that matters.

And I thought you and that doll

- couldn't get any weirder. - [laughter]

Daphne was right. What matters at the holidays

is being with the ones you love.

All our valuables were melted into a doorstop,

but there was just enough gas

to make it to abuela's like we promised.

Who's ready for the best beach Christmas ever?

Road trip, road trip, road trip!

And then it happened.

[brakes screech]

My worst nightmare.

I'm gonna need to update my worst nightmare list.