Original subtitles

I can't believe it! We owe $800.

$800! $800!

Yeah, no, saying it different ways

doesn't make it any less horrifying.

Ugh, I feel sick,

and not just because I had four corn dogs,

two turkey legs, and a deep-fried brownie.

If you throw that up, you owe me 50 bucks.

Maybe this is a nightmare.

Maybe we'll all wake up and everything will be okay.

Nightmares never take place anywhere this fun.

Or do they?

Ouch. Nope.

Kids make mistakes, Diaz kids more than most,

but accidentally spending on cabana treats, hundreds of dollars

that's off the charts, even for us.

Ethan's right.

This is a huge mistake,

and not a good one,

like when a cook in ancient China

messed up dinner and invented fireworks,

though ours will also result in an explosion

from Mom and Dad.

Guys! (squeals)

Guys, I faced my fears.

I rode the Doom Funnel!

And I am never doing it again.

It was the worst 12 seconds of my life,

and my lucky bracelet got stuck near the top.

Aw, you guys! Look how upset you are!

You know, I love the support, but don't worry.

The lucky bracelet's just a dumb superstition.

We blew 800 bucks on this cabana,

and Mom and Dad don't know.

The bad luck's starting already.

I'm sorry I called you dumb, lucky bracelet!

TOM: Hey, kids!

Uh-oh. Here comes Mom and Dad.

And it's getting worse.

Hang on, lucky bracelet, I'll come back for you!

Stop talking to jewelry!

We have to figure out how to fix this

before they find out! Be cool.

♪

This was the best day ever, with none of the four C's!

No chaos, no complaining, no casualties...

and no cost.

Pssh, why would there be any of that?

And it looks like we have a terrific new "C"...

Cabana!

(nervous laughter)

Is this part of the deal, too?

It sure seems like it, doesn't it?

Unreal.

I can't believe how great this is.

Why can't you believe it? It's totally believable!

- Georgie! - I need my lucky bracelet.

- I can't live like this. - Hello, I'm Malcolm.

Can I get you folks anything?

I'd recommend the plain tap water.

Malcolm's a magician with the tap water.

- Yeah. - Do you have shrimp cocktail?

(gasps) That sounds good.

Right.

You know what sounds really good?

A, uh... a half-eaten plate of cold nachos.

I know what you'll love!

Our signature seafood tower.

Would you like of specialty drinks? to look at our list

Ooh! Don't mind if I do.

Oh, he's going to mind that he did.

(cash register dings)

♪ Sometimes it feels like things are out of control ♪

♪ Like you're living in a circus ♪

♪ Tryin' to figure out your way in the world ♪

♪ Where you're at is kind of perfect ♪

♪ So turn it up, turn it up ♪

♪ Do your thing, don't stop ♪

♪ Let me give again Let's jump right in ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the middle of the party ♪

♪ We're just getting started ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the eye of the tornado ♪

♪ Always in the same boat ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ Get stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

(snoring)

We have to figure out a way to pay this cabana bill,

or we'll never go on vacation again.

(licking)

What's stuck in my hair?

My lollypop. I put it on the room bill.

I figured we're already so far in the hole, what the heck!

This giant bill would've never happened at Pilgrim Land.

Things there only cost a shilling!

Okay, as bad as this is,

today was still better than Pilgrim Land.

We didn't have to knit anything or learn anything,

and all of our food was from this century.

But when Mom and Dad find out, we'll be on lockdown forever.

By the time we're out, the mall cop

who tells my squad not to loiter

won't even remember my name.

He'll be like, "Hey, pretty girl,

eat your shawarma and move along."

Like I'm a nobody!

Shh! Yo, Ethan.

You can't possibly be asleep on that duffel bag full of shoes.

We could use some ideas.

Aren't you worried?

I am. About Hannah's post.

This guy here, boyfriend or cousin?

Either way, she's out of your league. Ideas?

I blew all my savings on giant pink bears,

so I'm not the guy to go to for smart money management.

Wait. Maybe we can by working here. settle the tab

Great idea! Oh, wait.

Half of the family is under ten,

and it's a four-hour commute!

Beast and I know how to get the money.

Finally, someone with a plan.

I don't know if you noticed,

but there is a giant pirate chest in the park.

No one's even guarding it.

Yeah!

That's fake, dummies!

Aw! There goes our plan to buy a ping-pong table

and an island.

(yawns)

I'll figure out something else.

In the meantime, let's all get some rest,

or whatever you call what we've got going on here.

- Good night. - Good night, guys.

Don't let the bedbugs bite. See you in the morning.

Remind me to never invent a sour-cream-and-onion pillow.

There's a pile of chips under Harley's head.

No one's even guarding it.

Oh!

♪

Finally, reason number 124 you should forgive our bill.

We're good kids who made a bad mistake,

so for all of these reasons,

plus the three pages that blew into the dunk tank,

I hope you will not make us pay.

I like you, Harley.

I'm Team Harley. Go, Harley!

Go, Harley!

But I'm also Team Stay in Business

and Maybe Buy That Pop-Out Camper This Year.

I can't forgive a bill this large.

I understand you can't do it for everyone,

but I'm not everyone.

Team Harley, remember? The one who made

the great Dry-Through invention for your park?

Oh, you mean the one that already got you

free room and free entry into the park,

and sadly no one is using?

There, there.

A waterpark is no place for long faces.

Here.

Here's a token for the arcade.

You know what'll turn your day around?

Winning a backscratcher!

ETHAN: One unicorn coming up!

Okay, here we go. I got it.

- Winner! - Yes! 94th time's the charm!

Oh, thanks.

Oh, hello!

Here. Come on.

Oh, man. See that guy coming this way?

He was in the cabana next to us yesterday.

Total jerk!

That's my dad.

I'm not saying you have to forgive our bill,

but I may or may not have seen a rat

floating in the kiddie pool,

and I have many, many followers

who would be very upset to hear this.

Post away. Last year, we had a barracuda

in the Lazy River and attendance barely dipped.

Not sure how it got there.

I suspect my ex-wife who just came back from the Caribbean.

Point is, you can't keep people from fun.

Speaking of fun...

(scoffs)

Subject spotted.

Copy that.

Excuse me, would you mind looking for an orange bracelet?

I know I left it on my way--

On your way down, can you keep an eye out

for an orange bracelet? I-- I--

(tweets)

(sighs) You can do this, Georgie.

Face your fears, Georgie.

It's just a slide, right?

I can't! I can't do it! Aah!

(screaming)

Oh, have you ever seen our kids so happy?

Never.

Mm!

How cute!

Daphne's chatting with Mr. Torvalton.

Oh! She really is getting to be so grown up.

Daphne be so sad!

Aw, come on.

I hate to see a little girl cry.

Me hate it, too.

Well, your siblings seem like nice kids.

This wasn't intentional, I suppose.

It was an honest mistake.

Yes. They do bad boo-boo with bill.

Well, your sister did make that invention we installed.

It's not her fault no one's using it.

(sighs) We're having a really good season,

and our markup on those cabana items is really outrageous.

Don't quote me on that.

Okay, just this once,

I'm going to do something I never do.

I'm going to forgive your bill!

Hit it, Beast!

(shouting)

Yeah! Welcome to our Doom Funnel!

Who's too small now?!

Just wanted to say thanks for forgiving our bill.

So cool of you. Hashtag Chester rocks.

Hashtag the deal is off.

With the additional charges your parents racked up,

your bill is now $922.17.

It'll be on your tab at checkout.

I'm soaked!

This was my Aqualympics outfit!

(beeping)

Well, at least my Wrist Walker's still working.

I wonder if I get extra points for stomping angrily!

Maybe consider a nice stomp through the Dry-Through!

There's no line!

That's it! We're out of options.

We'll never pay this cabana bill.

- Hey! - Hi.

We have to tell Mom and Dad the truth.

We do. We both know I mean you.

Yeah, got that.

Ethan, this is my dad, Simon Pillman,

but you already know him, right?

No! I was thinking of someone else, different guy.

You were in the cabana next to ours yesterday.

We have quieter neighbors today--

a flock of wild parrots having a drum circle.

Hannah, I came to tell you lunch is ready.

Be right there.

Great. Your dad hates me.

Don't feel special. My dad hates most people.

Really? Awesome!

I've never been so happy I'm not special!

Not to him...

We can still stay in touch.

Dad doesn't need to know everyone that I text.

Nice! Like forbidden love.

This is a waterpark, not Twilight.

You are ridiculously lame.

I'm lame? Only one of us is holding a purple unicorn.

(giggles)

(screaming)

Got my bracelet!

Oh, no. That can happen?

Will you hold this for me? Thanks!

( screaming)

Mom! Dad!

I'm about to tell you something you're not going to like.

Could you cut to the chase? There's a rowdy Scout troop on our tails.

Let me just start off by saying I love you both very much and...

HARLEY: Family Aqualympics today?

Winner gets $1,000 in Splash Bucks?

We're doing the Aqualympics!

You're kidding. The Diaz family

wants to compete in the Aqualympics?

Yes. We're going to win first place,

$1,000 in Splash Bucks!

Well, not to drench your enthusiasm,

much like you drenched my game-day suit, but ha!

The returning champs are competing.

They've won five years in a row.

They're unbeatable.

The Pillmans.

♪

You know when you're eating popcorn at the movies,

all happy, and then a kernel gets stuck in your tooth?

The Pillmans are my kernel!

The Pillmans are about to get a serious flossing.

Okay, it's going to be a challenge,

but Team Diaz has what it takes.

One, two, three, four.

We're going up against them?

Thirty-nine, 40.

Don't worry. We can do it.

Yeah, totally.

Second place, here we come.

(sighs)

Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!

Guys, stop staring!

You're letting them psych you out.

Because they're bigger.

- And faster. - And stronger.

Is that a family or a machine?

Just FYI, I have a prior relationship with one of the Pillmans,

so I may not be able to compete with my whole heart.

If you throw this, I will chase you down

and beat you with your whole heart.

And with that bum foot, you know I'll catch you.

I do. Never mind.

If anyone can take down the Pillman dynasty, it's us!

We have nine people with all different skills,

and we've been training for this our whole lives!

Water jousting. Beast and Lewie.

That's your specialty.

(all shouting)

Inner tube ring toss.

That's you, lover boy.

You're going to be tossing them on Daphne,

'cause she's always in the middle of everything.

Next up, we have roller ball derby.

That's me and Rachel.

Yeah, you didn't see this before.

Stiff-arming girls and grannies to get a cabana

was maybe not our finest moment.

Mom, Dad, you're going to be a part of the family tug-of-war.

We can handle that.

Totally! We pull seven kids out of bed every school day.

And, last but not least, the Doom Funnel waterslide race.

Who's doing that?

My lucky bracelet!

I had to do that awful slide nine times.

Thank goodness I'll never have to do it again.

(sympathetic chuckles)

What?

HARLEY: It's not going to be easy,

but the Diaz kids have one thing the Pillmans don't...

complete desperation!

$800 in smoothies and swag!

If Mom and Dad find out,

we'll never go on vacation again!

Losing is not an option.

Welcome, one and all, to the tenth annual Aqualympics!

(cheering)

This isn't the suit I planned to wear.

There was an incident. I prefer not to get into it.

Anyway, today our families

will be competing in seven exciting events.

The family with the most points at the end

will win $1,000 in Splash Bucks

and the title of Aqualympics Champions!

(cheering)

♪ Give me that boom boom ♪

♪ Right through my body ♪

♪ Give me that clap when it rock me back ♪

♪ When I crack like Rocky ♪

♪ So give me that eh-oh ♪

♪ Give me that eh-oh ♪

♪ Put your hands up if you want it like I want it ♪

♪ Singing la la la, la la la, la la la ♪

♪ It was fun that we do this I'm all about the music ♪

You got this. You got this.

♪

CHESTER: The Diaz girls are out in front, amazing!

That's it, girls. That's it, girls.

♪ Put your hands up Put your hands up ♪

♪ Put your hands up ♪

Ooh!

(cheering)

(tweets)

(screaming)

♪ With the music work your body ♪

♪ So la la la, la la la, la la la ♪

Yes! Yes!

♪ It was time that we do this ♪

(splashing)

(cheering)

Here we go!

♪ Put your hands up Put your hands up ♪

(splashing)

(cheering)

I did it! How did I do?

CHESTER: Super slider Georgie Diaz

ties Paul Pillman for the fastest time of the day!

Oh, come on!

♪ Losing your composure ♪

The Diaz family seems unstoppable today.

(air gusting)

- Or maybe not! - Whoa!

Harley Diaz, for some reason, seems to have stopped her ball!

What happened? What just happ-- What?

Just short of the finish line!

That's a tough loss to swallow for the Diaz family.

You cheated! We would've won, but you cheated!

That's what losers always say!

(scoffs)

A solid performance by the Diaz clan,

and Blackbeard's coin dive

has bumped them up to second place!

(cheering)

And now our top two families move into the final event,

the tug of war!

It's the Diazes versus the Pillmans.

- Arm strength! - Now, get ready, folks.

This is a whole-family event worth ten points.

We can still win this!

Nine of us against five of them!

Finally! Being bigger than a normal family

will work to our advantage!

Yeah, not really.

We've beaten big families before,

and, frankly, your three little ones

barely add up to one person.

No, he didn't!

We missed our Doom Funnel height by one tentacle!

Mr. Cheater Family's right.

Strength-wise, there's no way we can win.

Should've made an invention that could pull a rope

instead of that dumb Dry-Through nobody wants to use.

Hang on.

Oh, wait. Little detour. Follow me, quick!

♪

The key to winning tug of war is having good grip,

and the key to having a good grip is being dry.

CHESTER: And now, the moment you've all been waiting for,

the exciting conclusion of the tenth annual Aqualympics,

the tug of war!

(cheering)

Hey! They changed into dry clothes!

- They're cheating! - That's what losers always say.

- (scoffs) - We didn't change.

We used my invention, the Dry-Through.

The Dry-Through? Is that by the cabanas? that weird green thing

I thought that was just bad art!

(laughing)

Okay, settle down, people.

The first team to pull

the blue mark on the rope

across your own team's line

will be our new Aqualympics champions!

(cheering)

Ready... set...

(horn blares)

(all grunting)

Come on, people!

Pull like a Pillman!

Come on, family!

- Come on! - (squelching)

Pull! Come on!

Watch your feet! Stop slipping, come on!

Come on, pull!

No! What?

(cheering)

Talk about an upset!

Our tenth annual Aqualympics champions

are the Diaz family!

What? Diaz how we do it!

Hey! Thanks for pushing out of our comfort zone.

This is the greatest vacation ever!

KIDS: Yay!

Oh, and we made a thousand bucks!

Yeah, not quite a thousand.

Long story.

Why ruin the moment?

Look!

For something that blasts hot air,

it's pretty cool.

Yeah, it's fine. Whatev.

You're right, it's awesome.

Oh, sorry. It's cool. I'm not.

Hey, uh, remember in that movie

when Katniss and Peeta

were fighting for their lives and...

♪

This doesn't work,

but we already established I'm adorably lame!

So lame. I guess all's fair in love and ring toss!

(cheering)

Very funny, you little pranksters.

Ye olde candy bar in the pool trick.

I have no idea what that is.

Me either. We would never waste a candy bar on the pool.

Yeah.

Uh! Ahh! I had that in my pocket!

Ugh, there goes another suit!

(laughing)

HARLEY: Not gonna lie. Family vacations aren't easy,

especially with seven kids,

but it's worth it, because at the end of the day,

memories are what make your family your family...

for better or worse.

♪

(horn honks)