Original subtitles

- Ahh... - (phone ringing)

Diaz home. You got Tom.

Harley? Let me get her.

Harley! Harley!

Daphne.

Need you to find Harley.

But I'm making toast. It's the last piece of raisin bread.

I had seven kids so that when one was lost,

there'd be six others to find them.

Go.

Just so this is still here when I get back...

Georgie, I need you to find Harley pronto.

I'm on my way to practice.

Dad specifically said, "Daphne, we need to find Harley,

and Georgie's the best one to do it."

Yeah, I could see that.

One minute, please.

Lewie, Beast, have you seen Harley?

I'm trying to get out of the house.

I have to go to prac...

What are you doing?

Frying bacon. It's not really crisping up like we like.

Package said two minutes in the microwave.

Didn't say how long for patio.

In 30 seconds, we eat it either way.

The phone's for Harley. Can you guys help find her?

It's a super important, possibly dangerous mission.

- Dangerous mission? - We won't let you down.

Look, a helmet!

Let's go head-butt some stuff!

Phone's for Harley!

Uh. Oh, Rachel, need you to find Harley. She has a call.

From who, 1998?

Who even uses a landline anymore?

(sighs)

Rachel, I'm busy with laundry. Find Harley.

Hmm.

Hey, Ethan, phone's for Harley.

I can't find her. I've looked everywhere.

Did you try her room?

Let's not do this. We both know I didn't.

(knocks) Hey, Harls. Phone's for you.

I'm kind of busy with my self-tying balloon.

(gas gushing)

May I take a message for Harley?

(gas gushing)

I'm very sorry you had to hold for so long.

No, this is not a college dorm.

Okay, you're calling about the invention

she submitted to Cannon Ball Cove,

and would like to...

This is Harley.

You're kidding! Really?

Really?

Thank you!

We're going to a waterpark!

(kids exclaiming)

Doughnuts aren't the only thing that gets them running.

Good to know.

- Yes! - (kids exclaiming)

♪ Sometimes it feels like things are out of control ♪

♪ Like you're living in a circus ♪

♪ Tryin' to figure out your way in the world ♪

♪ Where you're at is kind of perfect ♪

♪ So turn it up, turn it up ♪

♪ Do your thing, don't stop ♪

♪ Let me give again Let's jump right in ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the middle of the party ♪

♪ We're just getting started ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the eye of the tornado ♪

♪ Always in the same boat ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ Get stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

Our whole family is getting

a free weekend at a waterpark?

Is this an internet scam?

Have we been hacked? Tom, we've been hacked!

We haven't been hacked.

Are you sure?

'Cause normally places pay us to leave, not come.

It's a thank you because Cannon Ball Cove's

trying out an invention I submitted,

the Dry-Through.

It's like a hand dryer,

but it dries your whole body super fast.

Big family is the mother of invention.

With nine people, you can never find a clean towel,

so instead of trying to dry off with a soggy bathmat...

♪

Yeah, it roasted my ice cream,

but since it's my fantasy...

Ooh, strawberry!

They said if the Dry-Through is a hit at Cannon Ball Cove,

they're going to install it in all of their parks!

Free waterpark vacation every year!

(cheering)

Everybody, slow down.

I hate to be the wet blanket in the Dry-Through celebration,

but there is no way this family is spending a weekend at a waterpark.

Who says no to a free waterpark vacation?

My parents. Not because they're mean.

Because they've learned.

A vacation with seven kids is no vacation.

We're really proud of your achievement, Harley,

but we've been burned too many times.

All our family trips come with the four C's...

cost, chaos, complaining, and casualties.

And besides, the past few years

we've finally found a vacation

that's simple, efficient, and close.

Pilgrim Land.

- Pilgrim Land?! - (all groaning)

Pilgrim Land. How I hate thee.

Thou totally sucketh.

Just so you know,

that place is starting to make me hate Thanksgiving.

Live with that!

(scoffs) Come on, it's not that bad.

Five days of showering underneath a bucket,

and no cell service? I can't.

Yeah. Wheat-grinding class is not entertainment.

And shucking corn is not a sport,

even if I did cut my shucking time in half,

not to brag or anything.

I solemnly swear there will be no chaos or complaining.

Signed by Rachel Diaz, only valid during waterpark vacations.

All the kids will sign it.

We'll make a deal.

Take us to Cannon Ball Cove, and if you regret it,

you never have to take us on vacation again.

No vacations ever again?

I got to admit, I would like to eat

at a food court that doesn't serve blubber.

They're wavering! Time to seal the deal

with a shameless tug on the heartstrings.

Mom, Dad, family is about making memories.

Memories are your family's story.

Don't you want our family to have a great story?

( chanting) Waterpark! Waterpark! Waterpark!

Waterpark! Waterpark! Waterpark!

Everybody belted in and ready for lift-off?

ALL: Yeah!

Here we go!

(cheering)

Hello! I'm not even in the car.

Oh! I thought that giant cooler behind me was you.

Should've known. It was too happy.

You realize we're going on vacation, not moving?

Why do you think I only have my shirt drawer?

I'm hot!

Can you strap me on the roof with the luggage?

Uh, what's that I hear?

It can't be complaining,

'cause you all signed a contract.

This is genius, and the best part is,

for once, we get to pick what station to listen to.

Ooh!

(static) In outer Borgonia,

there is what is shaping up to be a major tax crisis.

♪ You got me ♪

♪ And I got you ♪

♪ Meet me down at the grocery store ♪

♪ Till they fall through ♪

♪ You got me ♪

♪ And I got you ♪

♪ Tell me your secret ♪

♪ And I'll tell you if it's true ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

♪ Start this journey in a roll, go ♪

♪ Sleep at night ♪

♪ Count your sheep at the morning light ♪

♪ I'm here to stay ♪

♪ I'll be your man till I'm old and gray ♪

♪ When the weeds get high it'll be all right ♪

♪ It'll be all right ♪

(coughs) Whose foot is this?

I think it's mine.

It fell asleep an hour ago, so I can't feel anything.

Tickle it!

(giggling) Nope, that's mine.

♪ Here we go, start this journey... ♪

(air hissing)

♪ When the weeds get high, we'll be all right ♪

♪ We'll be all right ♪

You all ready to have some fun?

ALL: Yeah!

Greetings, Harley!

I'm Rachel. She's Harley.

Hi!

I'm Chester Torvalton, park manager,

and it is my honor to welcome

the Diaz family to Cannon Ball Cove!

Or as we call it, Hawaii in New Hampshire.

Don't climb the palm trees.

They're actually cell phone towers in disguise.

Why would you disguise them? They're beautiful.

And congratulations on the Dry-Through, Harley!

We're so excited, we're debuting the Dry-Through this weekend

in time for the Aqualympics on Sunday!

Honored am so I!

I mean, I am so honored.

Sorry, I'm not thinking right.

Too many pool noodles to the head, I guess.

Colorful and confusing.

Well, listen, I'm sure you're all anxious to unload.

How about I show you to your room,

and then you can all hit the park.

That would be great.

I know I speak for the family

when I say we are looking forward

to having some space!

Here's your room!

Sleep tight tonight.

In this room? That's a guarantee.

I'm sorry, but there must be some mistake.

I was told we had accommodations for the whole family.

Well, this room is for a whole family.

A normal-sized family.

Your family is normal plus five.

Nice! You think some of us are normal.

I would love to give you more space, but the hotel is completely sold out.

- (beeping) - Oops!

Time to get my steps in!

Better get my Waiki-keester in gear.

Is this a joke?

Like, one of those hidden camera things?

Is my mascara okay?

I'm pretty sure the elevator was bigger.

Me and Deathnee call the bed!

BOTH: Bed battle!

I called it!

Good! Chaos and complaining,

and we've added a bonus C, cramped.

We should just pack up.

I'll call Ezekiel at Pilgrim Land.

Maybe he can fit us in.

No! I did not just spend four hours

in a nine-person fart box to turn back now.

We are going to make some happy family memories

no matter how miserable we are.

We could leave, but you always say

we don't spend enough time together as a family.

There's no avoiding it here.

She's right. What do you think?

I think there's no way I want to pack that car twice in one day.

Let's get our swimsuits!

All right, a few people wait in the hall

so we can open these suitcases.

Not complaining is very stressful.

I've never done it before!

I don't even know who I am right now.

Nine people, three trips...

Yeah, it seems about the right amount of stuff

to bring to a waterpark for a day.

Should've had your father sign that no-complaining contract.

H2-whoas all around.

Everybody, let's put on sunscreen.

I'm pretty sure we're missing Daphne,

but if you agree, I'm willing to wait

until we hit a few rides to bring it up.

She's not missing.

Wow, Harles!

Mom Tracker 2.0 is now Daphne Tracker on the Go.

Mom! Mom! Dad! Dad!

I just saw a lollypop so big

you can sprain your tongue on it!

It's a great deal. Only 20 bucks.

At Pilgrim Land, no one begs for treats.

It's not a treat when you have to catch it and kill it yourself.

I'm sorry, do I hear complaining?

It can't be. Otherwise we never go on vacation again!

Complaining? Who's complaining?

We're happy, happy, happy to be here!

Yeah, whoo! Diggity doo!

Diggity doo?

That's a thing.

So, I was thinking,

first we'll all try the Dry-Through,

then we'll go on the other rides...

Last one to the Doom Funnel's a diggity doo!

(cheering)

Good thought. Get wet, then try the Dry-Through.

My idea of vacation isn't playing waterpark sherpa

to seven lazy kids.

The only thing lazy is the river on that part.

Time for you two to float the stress away.

Rachel and I will grab the stuff and find seats.

- Wait, wait, what? - Are you sure you can handle all this?

- No, we definitely cannot. - Don't waste any more time talking about this.

Go! Have fun.

Okay! Look at this!

Ooh, okay.

Ooh, look at this place.

This is gonna be fun!

Fun? I haven't had one post-worthy moment

since we left the house.

What's the point of going on vacation

if people can't see you on vacation?

Unless you want everyone to think you lostStorage Wars,

I suggest we move this into the park.

(sighs)

It's so awesome!

What do you mean we can't ride it?

Mm, sorry, not big enough.

Missed it by a tentacle.

I would like you to call your supervisor.

I am the supervisor, and you already called for me.

- (chatter, laughter) - Oh, good, you're here!

Can you guys vouch that we're bigger than we look?

They have rules for a reason.

You're too small to ride.

But you're not too small

to take a picture of me as I come down this bad boy.

We'll wave from the top.

Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, uhh!

I think I just stepped on a bee.

A bee! Ooh. Looks like someone got a Maui owie.

I'm sorry, but you cannot ride with a wound on your foot.

A wound? I stepped on a bee, not a chainsaw. I'm fine.

Ah ah ah, rule number three: no open wounds.

I'm sorry, but you'll have to go to First Aid and get that bandaged.

They have rules for a reason.

Do you want me to take a picture of you at First Aid,

or am I too small?

Last gal standing. Soon to be sliding!

Look out, Doom Funnel!

Yes! Okay.

I can't do this. I'm not like you, Harley.

I'm not a workhorse.

I'm one of those little dogs that wears a tutu

and rides around in Paris Hilton's purse.

We are almost there.

We just need to find nine chaise lounges and...

Hey! There's my Dry-Through!

Weird. No one's using it.

Yeah, real surprise.

On a hot day in a waterpark,

a thing called "Dry" isn't a big attraction.

Great. There's nowhere to sit.

Every lounge can't possibly be taken.

Uh, excuse me, young ladies,

you may not understand waterpark etiquette.

A towel on a chaise means it is saved.

Sorry, you're out of luck.

- (beeping) - Oh, hey!

I've reached my exercise goal!

Ope, nope. "Naked toddler in the gift shop."

Gotta run.

Maybe you were right.

Maybe this was a bad idea.

At least at Pilgrim Land

everyone gets a hay bale to sit on.

MAN: I've had it with you kids!

Whoever replaced the mayo with sunscreen,

this is your fault; we're out of here.

I don't care if I've already paid for this cabana.

(both sighing pleasurably)

It's not the cabana's fault those kids were brats!

Why should it go to waste?

I feel bad for the poor losers out there in public lounges.

Well, Cabana Seven, can I get you anything else?

Wait, this is part of the cabana?

Yes. With cabana rental,

all services are yours for the day.

Get your smile ready! It's post time.

Can you hold that right around here?

More sparkling pear soda?

Keep it flowing, Malcolm.

This is the life. We're like Kim and Kanye on vacation.

Let me guess. You're Kim, I'm Kanye.

We can both be Kim.

Wow! The only Kardashian

she ever let me be before was Rob.

Am I getting teary? I feel like I'm getting teary.

This is amazing.

I had no idea cheese came from so many different animals.

Yeah. Before today, I thought "assorted cheese"

meant stick, string, or spray.

(chatter, laughter)

I'm sure people will use it later.

It's a really cool invention.

Okay, now I'm definitely getting teary.

Do you have to poop? 'Cause you look weird.

And I'm back.

Let's get this party started.

Malcolm!

♪

Ahem!

(switches music off)

Hey! We haven't seen Malcolm in a little while.

Can you be a sweetheart and get us a few more of these?

Also, get yourself one of these robes.

I can't believe they make you wear that shirt.

I'm not your waiter, and this is my shirt.

Oh, sorry, but don't feel bad.

She insults my outfit every day.

It's kind of my thing.

Ah, well, my thing is relaxing with my family

in the cabana next door, so could you keep the noise down?

Of course. We didn't realize you could hear us.

Yes, who would think sound carries through a tent flap, hmm? Ahem.

♪

What's Daphne up to?

She's with Ethan, cheering him on at the ring toss.

Aw, precious.

You're wasting your cash, you loser!

I'm not giving you lollypop money.

I need to spend it on the games.

I'm injured and can't swim.

Yeah, well, next time when someone's trying

to remove a stinger from your foot,

try not to kick and squeal like a little baby.

Okay. First off, that needle was huge,

and you're not gonna shame me into giving you money.

She's cute. Bet she'll want to hear about your foot.

- No, Daphne! - Hey, girl!

You want to hear a funny story about my brother's foot?

And how I injured it from fighting off an escaped mountain lion?

Oh, poor little sis had to see it all.

Here, take a five. Go buy something to forget.

(game dinging)

We got a winner!

Hey, thanks.

Pretty good aim for a guy who's recently been mauled.

Here, you can have it.

Actually, that purple unicorn is really cute.

Think you can win it?

I put a mountain lion into a full Nelson,

then tied its tail into a knot.

I-I went too far.

- Little bit. - Yeah, I felt it.

One unicorn, coming up!

Whoo! Whoa, some line.

Quads are on fire. Good thing I'm an athlete.

Whoa, that tunnel is much narrower than it looks from below.

Does anyone just-- bloop!-- get stuck in there?

Because with this hair it'll be like whoo! Like a cork, you know?

Okay. Um, okay.

(sighs)

One... two...

You know, nothing normally stops me.

And I'm not stopping, I'm just taking a break.

Restrategizing. I'm, um...

drawing up a game plan. Yeah.

Brain replaying the video.

Coming up with a... Pardon me.

Just coming up with a game plan, you know?

MAN: Ladies, still hearing you.

Oh, and you know what else carries? Your conversations.

So, before I go, I didn't hear where we landed.

Do you really think gel nail polish is worth the extra cost?

Definitely, because then you only have to get it done once every two--

Yeah, I don't care.

Wow! I feel so at home.

We already alienated our neighbors.

Wanna hit the park?

(loudly ) Yeah! (softly) Yeah.

♪ Look out, 'cause here I come ♪

♪

♪ We're not that crazy ♪

♪ Hey, baby, it's all clear ♪

(pop, air hisses)

♪ You know you want it, oh ♪

♪ Want it, oh ♪

♪ Show me what you got ♪

♪ And we can do it all night, yeah ♪

♪ We might get crazy ♪

♪ Hey, baby, it's all clear ♪

♪ Get ready to party ♪

♪ The party's here ♪

I thought you were doing the Doom Funnel.

Totally! Just grabbing a water first,

but, um, I'm stoked.

Can't spell "funnel"

without "fun"... and "ill."

You're scared. You know what I do when I'm scared?

- What? - Buy a giant lollypop to share with my sister

and her doll who's like a person.

Nice try, but I'm not here for a three-person lollypop.

I'm here to do the slide.

(deep breaths)

Hmm.

Eh. We were not gonna share with her, anyway.

Seven bears, zero unicorns.

The park's closing.

Well, it was nice meeting you, Hannah.

A giant, sort-of creepy pink bear for the road?

No, thanks. But we could meet up tomorrow

and try this again.

Unless another mountain lion escapes.

No, no. They closed the hole in that fence.

It should be fine.

Yes!

Okay, I'm really going this time.

I just-- I need to count myself down.

Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Ten, nine...

Wait, what's the rush?

Okay. A hundred, 99, 98...

I did not come here to have age-appropriate fun.

Do you want to try something else?

Yeah, the Doom Funnel.

Well, look at you two scallywags.

Try not to spend all that fun in one place.

(laughs)

Never thought I'd want to punch a guy

who owns a waterpark.

He ruined our lives.

He's not gonna get away with this.

Beast, if we can't ride the Doom Funnel,

then we're gonna do something even better...

funnel some doom.

♪

(exclaiming)

- (music stops) - (coughs)

Sorry, we've had a complaint from your cabana neighbor.

I must say this is a first,

a noise complaint at a waterpark.

We're so sorry, Mr. Torvalton.

This cabana is so much fun, it's hard not to be noisy.

Well, I'm delighted to hear you've had a good time.

Here's your bill.

Bill? What bill?

$8? How do we owe eight...?

Eighthundred. There's two zeros after that eight.

I thought they were smiley faces!

They are. Eight hundred smiley faces in my pocket.

There's obviously some mistake.

The waiter told us this was all paid for.

The cabana is paid for. Everything else is ala carte.

Which means free?

I don't speak French, just spitballing.

Quite the opposite,

but since your parents aren't here to sign,

I'll just charge it to your room

and they'll settle up tomorrow at checkout.

(beeping)

Now I've reached my exercise goal!

Hello, frozen banana.

35, 34,

33, 32, 31...

$800 in smoothies and swag!

If Mom and Dad find out,

we'll never go on vacation again!

SUZY: Kids!

Act normal.

Smile! Wave!

You were right! We're having a great time.

Best vacay ever!

We should do this every year!

Great idea, Harley!

Mwah! See you around!

Act normal! Smile. Wave.

(Georgie screaming)

You said it, Georgie.