Original subtitles

You wanted to see me?

Oh, yeah, hi.

Nikki, uh...

I know things have been kind of awkward

Because Heidi klum's been working here

And we used to date, and she's a supermodel--

I get it, Mike.

I just wanted to assure you that nothing's going on.

I mean, I'm not attracted to her.

Mike, you have her calendar on your wall.

What, I'm supposed to guess what month it is?

It's so obvious you have a crush on her.

No, I don't! Look... And to prove it to you,

I want you to be in this room when we have our meeting.

That's locked. You're trapped.

(Knock on door)

Hello, Michael.

Hello, Heidi.

My german friend who kisses everyone she knows.

Hi, Nikki.

Mike, I spoke to the mayor about the animal rights campaign.

He thought you could help pick the right photo.

I can think of nothing more businesslike and professional.

And that's you half-naked on a pony.

It's a gazelle, silly.

What is?

That's it. I'm gone.

No, nik--Nikki, wait.

I'm sorry. Is there tension between you?

Oh, no tension at all, Heidi,

Considering you spent the last week trying to seduce my boyfriend.

It's a gazelle, silly.

Ha ha ha...

Ha ha ha...

That's a... That's a good one.

It's ok, Mike. I...i think I can help.

Nikki, I swear, I would have never pursued Mike

If he had made it clear that you had more than a casual relationship.

Ok, nicht helping.

Mike, I have come up with this fantastic idea

To increase tourism.

Now, as you know, every year in pamplona, spain,

They have this wonderful festival.

You wanna run bulls...

Through New York city?

Right up broadway!

Hey, Mike. Nikki's looking for you.

Please, janelle, I don't hop to every time my girlfriend calls.

I gotta go.

Mike and Nikki seem to be having some...

Difficulties.

Better them than us, huh, janelle?

Actually, I kinda wanted--

Every day with us...

It's just more passionate than the last, huh?

What I was hoping to say--

Well, it's not just passion. It's a bond.

It's a mutual understanding.

Do you know what we have that other couples don't?

It certainly isn't communication.

Bingo. Communication.

What's going on? Every time I see you guys,

You two are exchanging massages.

It's purely a physical relationship.

Paul's got enormous hands.

Well, it's not just length. It's girth.

Oh, my god, Paul. They're huge!

You ought to work at nasa!

You could wave the astronauts in with those things!

Mike, I just wanna let you know that I'm gonna break up with the mayor.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No--do you know how difficult this is gonna be?

I mean, for me?

Yes, Mike. That's what's important here-- your feelings.

No, you don't understand. The mayor does not take disappointment well.

He cried for 2 days when puck got kicked off the real world.

What do I do, Mike? He's sweet,

But our relationship has no future.

I've been trying to let him down, but I just can't seem to get through.

He won't listen to me.

Does he at least listen to you?

All right, I'll break up with the mayor for ya.

You can't break up with him for me. That's ridiculous.

He'll accept it coming from me.

I take care of the mayor's emotional milestones.

I handled his divorce. I threw his 50th birthday party.

I was there when his cat got put to sleep.

His cat was hit by a car.

Yes. My car.

Well, well, well.

Look who decided to show up an hour late,

And wearing tennis shoes, no less.

The bad news is my loafers are at the cleaners.

The good news is your dog is no longer constipated.

Oh! Hooray! Hooray for rags!

You know, Heidi,

I was thinking maybe sometime you and I could--

No.

Okey-dokey.

We'll talk later.

Heidi? As a fellow animal lover, I just want you to know

How much I admire what you're doing for those creatures.

Oh, thank you!

Oh, come on.

Just because you like animals, you get a hug?

You don't have to like animals to get a hug. Get over here!

(Emotionally) I love you, man.

Mike, I'd appreciate if we could just keep this between us?

Please. I'm a master of discretion.

What goes in these ears does not pass through these lips.

What's up?

Janelle's dumpin' the mayor.

Actually, I'm doing it for her, but keep it under your hat.

How do you break up with someone you work with?

I don't think it's gonna be that tough.

I mean, you know, it's not like I'm emotionally invested.

What are you gonna say?

The truth. The relationship never had a future.

(Moans) oh...

Oh...oh-oh-oh-oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, right there.

What are you doing?

Ignore him, james. Just keep going.

I thought we had something.

And now I find you with him.

Sorry, Paul. You're out, james is in.

You're kidding! Look at those measly hands!

They can't possibly satisfy you!

Paul...size doesn't matter.

Get out, Paul!

Whoa. You've got a knot there. This is gonna take me a while.

James, that's my bra.

My bad.

Sir, I've got some bad news.

I'm just gonna come right out with it

Rather than beat around the bush.

Ok. Le-let me do something first.

Janelle, could you come in here a second?

Yes, sir?

I just wanted to see your smiling face.

Now I can handle anything.

Sir, uh...

Janelle...

Is dumping you.

Janelle, can I see ya again?

Mike says you're dumping me.

I am.

Hold my calls.

Why?! What did I do?

Nothing, nothing, sir.

Look, janelle cares about you very deeply.

She just feels that you both want different things.

What is it about 28-year-old women?

They're just not interested in older guys

Who don't want to get married and have children!

Life's oldest riddle, sir.

She's been trying to tell me this for a while,

And I just couldn't hear it.

Well, I'm gonna go down gracefully.

I don't want to make this uncomfortable for her.

Gonna write her a note.

That's a nice idea, sir.

Janelle, could you come in and take some dictation?

Heidi, this is a little awkward,

But your being here has made things kind of difficult for me.

So I think until you're done with your project,

It might be best...

We--we--we didn't ta-ta-talk to e-each shoulder.

Mike, I don't understand.

This week has put a strain on my relationship with Nikki,

So...

If you could just please--

Nice!

O-o-ok, uh--

This is the exact opposite of what it looks like.

Yes. Mike was just helping me put my dress back on.

Nik--Nikki--

Am i nicht helping again?

Little bit. Nikki--wait!

Look at ya.

You're like a meat loaf with teeth.

Oh, who's my best friend?

That's right!

You are!

What are you doing?

I'm talkin' to my dog.

Rags.

Ah! He is so cute!

(Speaking german)

I think he likes me.

Oh...he likes you a lot.

Oh, oh, oh!

Make room for daddy!

Mmm! Ha ha ha...

I really miss having a dog.

Well, here's a crazy idea.

Why don't you keep him?

Really?

Oh, yeah.

I'm never home.

He'd be much better off with you.

Thanks for making me so happy!

Makes me happy too.

Nikki, will you listen to me? Just stop for a second.

Look, I think we really need to talk.

I'll save you the trouble? I'm breaking up with you.

What?

It's over, Mike. Good-bye.

Don't--don't walk out on me.

Ni-Nikki, wait, pl--come back!

Let me talk about this!

Nikki, I love you!

Catch ya later, babe.

Morning, everyone.

Good morning.

Nikki.

Mike.

(High-pitched beeping)

Ok, what's that annoying sound?

It's my new pulse watch. Pretty cool, huh?

No.

Ok, down to business.

Nikki, I need that third quarter infrastructure budget.

Fine.

(Watch beeping slowly)

Seems like there's a little tension in here.

You don't know, so just stay out of it.

Shut up, Paul.

My mistake.

(Beeping)

Mike, can I be excused? My heart's about to explode.

Yeah, e-everyone-- everyone out.

Except Nikki.

This better be business, 'cause I don't feel like talking about us.

It is. It's all business.

Why don't you like me anymore?

I don't want to talk to you about this.

You're just gonna confuse me.

You're too charming, you're too smart, you're too clever.

I can change.

Carter, what's wrong?

Rags.

He's run away.

He's 27 years old.

Are you sure he didn't just...

Disintegrate?

Who knows where he is? Cold, alone...

Probably in some living hell!

I wish I was there with him.

I can't believe janelle is gone.

I can't believe Nikki's gone.

I can't believe rags is (voice breaks) gone!

You know, when your heart is heavy,

There's great comfort just going out,

Being with people, mixing with the masses.

Is that stool taken?

Ah!

She seemed nice.

Mike, would you come to the men's room with me, please?

Sure, sir. Let me get my purse.

I just don't want to be alone.

Sir, I'll just be a stall away.

Do you think it's okay to bring rags to a bar?

Oh, yeah.

The transition...

Will be easier for rags if a lot of people see you and me together.

There's a table.

(Moans) oh!

Oh, my god! You--you found rags!

Carter! Hey!

Yeah!

Heidi did!

What are you talking about? You gave him to me.

No, I didn't. Her english is not very good.

You gave away my dog to impress a woman.

Dude, it's Heidi klum!

One last hug?

No?

Ok.

I'm sorry about this, Heidi,

But rags has been my family pet for the last 27 years.

He's so full of life!

He is?

Yes! First we played fetch, then frisbee,

Spent an hour running on my treadmill.

Oh, poor fellow!

Seems to be clinging.

Uh, there, there, rags, your--

Nightmare is--

Finally--

Over!

Yeah! Yeah!

(In falsetto) now, who's the best-lookin' boy in the world?

Who's the happiest puppy?

(In muffled slow motion) who is he? Who is he?

Oh, such a puppy!

(Normal voice) who is he, where does he live?

And say good-bye to Heidi.

Carter: bye, Heidi.

(Rags whimpers)

You know, I used to be top gun around here

Until you showed up with your pressure points

And double-jointed fingers.

Well, Paul... You obviously don't have the goods.

I'll show you the goods!

Hey, cut it out, Paul, get your hands--oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's the stuff. Here, let me show you something.

Hah!

Oh! Oh, james! Oh, gosh!

Oh! Oh, boy!

Oh, that's so good.

Here, let me try! Let me try! Oh!

Oh...oh!

You're so precise but so delicate.

Oh...Paul, you're so powerful.

I feel you everywhere.

Oh, james! Oh, Paul!

Oh, Paul! Oh, james...

I never knew it could be like this!

Oh, my god!

Welcome!

I can't believe janelle is gone.

I can't believe Nikki's gone.

I can't believe rags is gone.

Well, I guess it's back to my dreary little office.

Back to my... Dark and lonely apartment.

Back to frolicking on the most beautiful beaches in the world.

You know, you stink at this.

How am I gonna face janelle tomorrow?

You'll be ok, sir.

Just treat her with respect and professionalism.

Aw, come on, Mike. It's not like I'm gonna behave like a child

And cover her car in shaving cream.

I hope not...

'Cause, you know, there's security cameras in the garage.

Gotta go.

I'm sorry about your loss, Mike.

Sorry about yours, Heidi.

You know, we have this saying in germany.

It is better to have loved and lost

Than to engage in a land war with russia in the winter.

Thank you. That's... Very comforting.

So where do you go for your next photo shoot?

St. Bart's.

Poor kid.

So you're ok with everything, sir?

Absolutely. I just want to let you know

I have confidence in our ability to work together

In a professional and mature fashion.

Oh. You'll be working out here now.

Just until the pain goes away.

Sir?

Sir!

I found rags!

Great. Where you gonna bury him?

Hey, he's alive. I--

Yeah. He's alive!

You knew Mike was gonna break up with me.

You even told him what to say!

What are you talking about?

Oh, don't you try to deny it, you sneak.

I was hiding behind a desk listening to you.

Oh, my god, Nikki!

We were talking about (lowers voice) janelle and the mayor!

Oh, no.

So let me get this straight.

You were perfectly happy in your relationship,

And then you overheard something,

And instead of talking to Mike like an adult, you dumped him.

You don't get to be 30 and single by being good at this!

This is why we have no time for the women.

Oh!

Hangover.

Mike.

I need those back.

Mike, this is all my fault.

I overheard you and Carter talking,

And I thought you were dumping me,

And I totally overreacted and I love you,

And I'm so sorry, even though I know

It's probably gonna take you a really long time to forgive me.

I'm cool.

That's it?

You're just gonna accept that I ended our relationship

And then totally changed my mind the next day?

Nikki, I've dated women before.

Ooh! Eggs!

Yeah, I snuck in. I was gonna make you breakfast.

Oh, that's great. I'm gonna put some pants on.

mein kopfschmerzen.

Nikki: hey, you wanna just have breakfast in bed?

I'm thinkin' no.

To be continued...

(Singsong) ok, rags...

Just you and me.

Just like the old days.

Havin' fun! Ha ha ha! You ready?

(Whimpers) huh?

Fetch! Go get it! Fetch!

Fetch! Just go! There it is!

Fetch! Just fetch it! Fetch it! Go!

Get runnin'! Frolickin'...

Ok, rags...

Maybe you're having a hard time seeing the ball,

But now you can smell it.

Ready?

Go get it! Go get it!

Get that ball and the meat and the meat and--

Yeah! Just go run, fetch, and get it! Just--

Fetch it! Fetch it--

Ok, rags.

Ha ha.

It's a ball of meat, for cryin' out loud.

You just fetch it and fetch and--

Just--arrgh--just--

You did it for Heidi!

man: sit, ubu, sit. good dog.

[barking]

moo.