Original subtitles

Mike, I'm sorry I ruined our big romantic weekend by getting sick.

Nikki, I didn't even think about it.

Uh-huh. What was that you said last night after you took my temperature?

Come on. That's a proven medical fact.

You're supposed to starve a cold...

Have sex with a fever.

Thank you for taking such good care of me.

You gave me massages. You got my medicine. You cooked me food.

I'm sorry about that. Didn't have a lot to work with in the fridge.

Hey, I loved your chili con pop tart.

You sure you're gonna be ok today?

Yeah. I found your video collection. I'll be great.

I thought I'd start with beaches, then go to fried green tomatoes.

Then if I'm still awake, waiting to exhale.

Those aren't mine.

You--you think those are my videos? Come on.

You couldn't pay me to watch those videos.

And I suggest you don't waste your time either. I love you.

Love you, too.

If you are gonna watch 'em...

The order I suggest is exhale, beaches, tomatoes.

And get some extra tissues.

I'm telling you. It always works.

The bridge represents your life,

And the bunny represents true love.

Watch. Stuart. Hmm?

Make up a story using a bridge and a bunny.

Ok.

I'm walkin' on a bridge.

I see a bunny...

And I give it $100 to have sex with me.

You'd have sex with a bunny?

Not like the little animal.

But you know that robot bunny

That bugs bunny always had the hots for?

I'd do her.

You see? It's like a crystal ball.

Carter, you're too hard on yourself, ok?

One on one

Is a very different kind of basketball.

Next time we play, back me into the paint.

Use your height advantage.

Concentrate on your low post moves.

Mike, I beat you 21-3.

Fine. Don't improve.

(Whistles)

Oh! Aw!

Look at the face. Aw...

Just to remind me of her while she's out sick.

What do you do when I'm out sick, Mike?

Guys, let's show him.

♪ Da da da da, Paul's sick ♪

♪ Da da da da, Paul's sick ♪

♪ Da da da da-- ♪

Ok.

And then I take everyone out for lunch.

No offense to Nikki,

But as long as she's sick,

I can get us a date with these twins tonight.

They're ugly... But they're healthy.

Since Nikki and I got serious,

I don't even remember other women I've dated.

Mike, you remember Heidi klum.

Yes, I do.

So, it's Heidi.

Hi, Heidi.

The mayor didn't tell you I was coming.

Sometimes I like to surprise him.

Good one, sir.

I thought Heidi would be a perfect spokesperson

For New York city's first annual cruelty to animals week.

Sir, i-it's prevention of cruelty to animals.

You keep forgetting the prevention part.

Well...gotta leave.

Janelle and I are taking a tae bo class.

Whhh-whhh-whhh!

So is this going to be a problem since you and I dated?

Oh, did we date?

Oh, that's right, we did. We dated. That's right.

Yeah, yeah. Good times. Good times.

So how you been?

Busy. I just did the sports illustrated swimsuit issue.

They have a whole issue devoted entirely to women in swimsuits?

I'll be--i'll be damned.

So...how have you been doing?

Oh, I been pretty good. Same old--s-same old.

Mike, have you called Nikki?

Ah, not yet. I will.

'Cause I'm sure she misses you.

I know.

Don't make me come back in here.

You and Nikki are--

Yeah...

We're dating.

Oh. Is it serious?

Well, compared to an opera?

I mean, uh... You know, i--

Nikki and I have fun together.

We're certainly not married.

So the dilemma we face with the animal cruelty issue

Is reconciling the needs of medical research

With the protection of all creatures.

And in closing,

We've established a commission to review the findings

Of the first commission.

Now, their report will be submitted to...

Another commission.

Any questions?

Anything at all?

I'm taking tae bo!

Haah-haah-haah!

And we're done.

Oh, my god. They hated me.

No, sir, no. It's not you. It's the material.

his material!

My material? What about your lame introduction?

Ladies and gentlemen, here's the mayor. Whoo!

Oh, thank you. What am I supposed to do, tell knock-knock jokes?

Wait. That's a great idea.

Thank you, sir.

We need to make our policy statements more entertaining,

You know, spice things up with a few jokes!

Sir, I think that's a bad idea.

Well, then, it's official. We're doing it.

Knock-knock. Shut up, Paul.

No, who's there?

So how long was Heidi in Mike's office?

Five minutes under level 2 surveillance.

So tell me... How does she look?

(Scoffs) fat.

Good. Bet her hair was all natty, too.

Yeah, sure. Whatever you want.

He's home. I gotta go.

Hey. Hey.

How was work?

Oh, the usual. Stuart annoyed stacey.

What about the others?

Oh, yeah, he annoyed them, too.

That's it?

Uh...

(Mutters) Heidi klum stopped by.

You want some tea?

Mike, I don't care if Heidi klum came by.

This is a trap, isn't it?

Of course not, Mike.

Our relationship is way beyond

All that insecure stuff.

How cool are you?

And besides, you know, you're right.

We are totally committed to each other.

Oh, my god. I can't believe you just used the word "committed"

And didn't break out into hives.

I know commitment's always been a problem for me,

But I've been working on it with my therapist.

You still see that guy?

No, I had to leave him.

He started talking about our summer schedule,

And I was like, "whoa, buddy! Slow down!"

Ok, Carter. You... A bunny and a bridge.

Ok, ok, ok.

I'm standing on le pont neuf in paris.

The powerful seine stretches out below my feet--

I take it seine is some swedish guy you picked up the night before?

I'm wearing a brushed cotton gucci shirt

As I ponder my existence,

Staring at my reflection in the cool, flowing waters.

Damn, I look good!

What about the bunny?

What bunny? Oh, yeah, he came and went.

That's your story?

Yeah. So?

The bridge represents your life.

The bunny represents true love.

You were so busy looking at yourself

That the man of your dreams just hopped right on by.

This is a silly, meaningless game.

Stuart, what was your story?

I paid a rabbit for sex.

Wait, I am not that self-absorbed.

Do you have any idea how much charity work I do?

I even founded a big brother program.

What's it called? Carter's kids.

And what do you call the award for the most outstanding child in the program?

The Carter.

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

It's time to start the press conference.

Sorry, sir. You say that. Say what?

It's time to start the press conference. It is?

No, you say that. Say what?

It's time to start the press conference. It is?

We'll bring Paul back a little later on.

He'll be here all week.

I can't believe you're a part of this.

You're jealous 'cause you're not his sidekick.

I'm not jealous. I'm trying--

Shh, shh, shh. He's back on.

Mr. Mayor, are the funds for your proposed animal shelter

Coming from another program or the taxpayers' wallets?

I'll get to that in a moment. Where are you from?

Channel 6 news. I'm sorry.

(Louder) channel 6 news.

I heard you. I'm just sorry.

Can you believe the cruelty of testing makeup on rats?

Oh, yeah, yeah. The makeup's bad.

But you know what's really cruel?

When they put the little dresses on 'em.

I love the way you make me laugh.

You're so funny.

We had a lot of fun together, didn't we?

Y-yeah. Uh, listen, Heidi, about that.

I have one question. Um...when you went out with me...

Yes?

Why?

I miss you, Mike.

And I miss you, Heidi.

I think it's great that we're gonna be working together

In a very collegial way.

I want you.

And I want you...

To know that it's great...

Working...

Collegial...

Etcetera.

Maybe we gave up too quickly.

I'm sorry, Heidi. Look, the answer is--is no.

But every time you say no, you make me want you more.

Really?

So--so I say no--

And I get hot.

Then yes.

Great.

No! Oh, Mike!

Heidi, um...

Listen, you and i...

We're gonna have a terrific working relationship,

But that's all it's gonna be, ok? Are we clear?

(Singsong) I will have you.

As long as we're clear.

What exactly did Heidi say to you?

She said she vill have me. What am I gonna do?

I'd start by calling some old high school friends

And seeing if they want to hide in your closet.

I mean, I can't believe her!

I know. The nerve!

And after you told her that you were in a committed relationship,

That you love Nikki...

You did say that, didn't you?

Well, I didn't use those exact words.

What exactly did you say to her about you and Nikki?

I told her that we aren't...getting married.

Should have heard my tone--very stern.

Mike, don't mess this up.

You only get one bridge, and...Nikki is your bunny.

Good point.

Are you really ready for commitment, Mike?

'Cause Heidi's the ultimate test. You can't fool her.

The klum...

Always knows.

Look, guys, I appreciate your help,

I really do, but I'm gonna handle this one on my own.

Hi, it's me.

Yeah, yeah, I been thinking about you, too.

We--we should get back together. I need to see you.

Oh, my god! Mike, is that Heidi?

No, it's my shrink.

What?

Hey, hey, whoa! Back up, buddy! You're already crowding me!

Sir, I'm concerned about this morning's press conference.

Why? I killed out there!

Yes, but you didn't mention cruelty to animals week.

James, it's the promotion of cruelty to animals week.

Look...

Sir, I don't think people are actually laughing at what you're saying

So much as out of a great deal of respect

For your esteemed position, which I admire, but--

Spit it out, son. Sir, you're not funny.

That's ridiculous!

I'm hilarious!

Watch.

So...

What's the deal with limousines?

Are they hard to eat in, or what?

Paul: ha ha ha ha!

That is so funny...

Because it's true!

It's not you, sir. It's them.

They're just civil servants!

And they're drunk!

(Ring)

Hello?

(Scratchy voice) Mike? I feel awful.

Nikki? What's the matter?

I'm in the bathroom trying not to throw up again.

(Telephone rings)

I wish I was there with you.

Can you hold on one second, please?

Hello?

Oh, Mike. I feel awful.

Heidi?

What's--what's the matter?

I'm here at this photo shoot,

Taking these clothes on and off, on and off.

But all I can think of is you.

Oh, and these dress straps just keep getting tangled.

I wish you could be here and hold my hair back.

Hold, please?

(Vomits)

Mike!

I wish you were here to hold my hair back.

Me, too, honey.

Um...can you hold a sec? I gotta get rid of this other line.

Oh, sure. Take your time.

You got it.

Hello?

So I will see you soon?

Oh, look! Now I'm completely naked!

O-ok. Me. Go. Really. Now.

(Singsong) I will have you.

Stop saying that.

Nikki?

(Toilet flushes)

(Water runs)

I miss you.

Oh, stacey. I wanna redo my rabbit story.

Oh, me, too!

You can't redo your story.

It's not a major change.

I just want my rabbit to have bigger breasts.

You know what? I don't care.

You guys misunderstood my story all along.

I am not that self-absorbed.

When the right guy comes along, I'm certain I will know it.

Excuse me.

Can you direct me to the archives department?

Yeah, just one second.

I'm a very sensitive man

Who is totally in touch with his surroundings.

Hey, he's reading that boring book you loved.

I'm writing my dissertation on the gentrification of ethnic communities

In the 5 boroughs.

Yes, yes. Very nice.

Let me tell you something.

Carter heywood is all about love.

I'll just find it myself.

Good luck!

Well, mr. Love,

That guy was totally checking you out.

Who? That guy?

That...very attractive guy

Who shares all my interests?

Bunny!

Ah, bunny!

So I guess I just have to face the fact

That I have no discernible sense of humor.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

You see, that one's funny because it's not true.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Paul. You don't have to keep laughing.

Oh, thank you, sir.

I tell ya, that Paul,

Sometimes I think he's two chimichangas short of a fiesta platter.

(Giggles)

What was that? Nothing.

No, no. That was a real laugh.

Look, sir, I think you're funny. You're just not...you know...

Jeff foxworthy funny.

I'll make you a deal. We'll have a little contest.

If I can make you laugh, we'll keep in the funny stuff.

If not, back to dullsville.

Fair enough.

Ok.

Ok. Ok.

Ok, I got one.

My father was never home.

He was always away, drinkin' booze.

He saw a sign that said drink canada dry,

So he went up there.

So he went up there.

Uh, sir, how much time do you get to make me laugh?

Unlimited. Fantastic.

Great job at the press conference.

Thank you. Were all those guys reporters?

Yeah, I think so.

Even the five shirtless guys

Whose chests spelled out "Heidi"?

Four of them were.

The guy with the "h," that was Stuart.

Mike, this issue really means a lot to me,

And I just wanna thank you for letting me get involved.

Ok.

All right, uh...

According to my watch,

This hug has gone past the gratitude stage

And right into foreplay.

And how do you feel about that?

I ca-i ca-i can't-- I can't do this, Heidi.

Look, every time I've looked commitment in the face,

I've either run away or made a really bad mistake, and, uh...

I love Nikki, and it's not gonna happen this time,

And I wanna make this work.

If I had known that Nikki meant so much to you,

I would have never been so forward.

Well, don't be so hard on yourself, kid.

I know this must be killin' ya inside.

No, I'm good.

Well, I have dinner plans. Bye.

You be strong.

Ah, poor kid.

What a trouper.

Did you catch your bunny, Carter?

Did I ever! And you were right, stacey. He is perfect.

We have so much in common.

He shares my love for the theater. He, too, is an avid tchaikovsky fan,

And get this-- he and his wife have a son named Carter.

That must have been so humiliating for you. God.

Wish I'd been there.

I will never listen to you again.

It is silly to let an arbitrary school of thought

Dictate the way I lead my life!

Ooh, you wanna hear your horoscope?

Ooh, why? Is it good?

Nikki?

Mmm!

I have...good news.

You look great!

I feel great!

Anyway, for the first time in my life,

I'm ready to take a relationship to the next level.

I am totally committed to you.

Aw, Mike.

It's like Heidi coming back was a test, and I passed.

With flying colors.

Even though I totally wanted her,

I didn't do anything about it.

Hey, smells great. What's for dinner?

Wait. Say that again.

What's for dinner?

Before that.

Love you... Passed the test...

To-to-totally wanted her.

I see my mistake.

So do i. What are you talkin' about?

I don't want our relationship to interfere with your social life.

I don't want a social life. I wanna be with you!

No, don't leave. Everything just keeps coming out wrong.

No, no, you're like a poet. Please, continue to woo me.

What I was saying is...with Heidi and i,

It would just be about sex.

With us, it's completely different.

We could never have the sex that Heidi and I would have.

You know what? You want me. You want Heidi!

I think it's obvious you have no idea what you want!

I--i--i just--

Wanted to share the good news.

Before we do this,

Why does janelle get to wear the poncho?

Because i think the man is funny.

(Grunts) huh!

Huh?

(Voice quavers) I'm laughing on the inside, sir.

Not good enough.

You're excused, janelle.

Janelle, can I have the poncho now?

No.

Scoot a little closer, son.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha... Ha ha...ha...ha...

man: sit, ubu, sit. good dog.

(barking)

moo.