Original subtitles

Good morning, everyone.

Mike. You need to call councilman buckner,

The public works budget is due today,

And don't forget about your 2:00 regarding the mta proposal.

Ok.

Who are you?

Your assistant's out sick. I'm gayle, your temp.

And yes, I know, I'm adorable.

But there's no time for that right now. Shoo shoo!

People, could I have your attention, please?

As you know, I'm starting a city hall newsletter.

The deadline is tomorrow at 2:00, and I'm going to need your submissions by then.

Ok, everybody, thanks.

James, don't take this the wrong way,

But I've noticed you command absolutely zero respect from people.

I've noticed. The reason--

I don't care.

you need to learn to be more assertive.

You give an order, and people hop to!

Paul! Gimme that.

To power!

This is toner, isn't it?

It's for the copying machine.

Have janelle call the poison control center.

(Choked voice) she knows the number.

Hey, Carter, you wanna grab some lunch today?

Bennet and I already have a lunch date.

I'm gonna break up with him.

So you finally gonna lose the old balls and chain?

It's just that he's a boxer, you know,

And he likes to sit around and watch sports all day.

He doesn't express himself very well,

And he's a little, uh... Aggressive.

That'll happen when you date a...

A...

Oh, what's the word?

Oh, yeah. a man!

Oh, I get it! It's because I'm gay!

Oh ho ho ho ho! Oh ho ho--

Jackass.

Ah, Carter. Ready to go?

Hey! Whoa-ho!

Whoa-oh! Ok! All right!

Hey, hey!

Whoa! Round's over.

Ding ding!

Uh, Stuart, I have an extra ticket to the mercer fight.

Uh, actually, bennet, we need to talk.

No, no!

No talk, Carter!

You don't want to talk before the fight!

Aw!

Carter.

He doesn't have the guts to dump someone.

And let me guess-- you do.

You don't know my rep as a heartbreaker,

But when I got rid of my old girlfriend dierde... I was ruthless.

Stu-aaart!

Oh!

Wait a minute!

You're supposed to stay 10 feet away from me at all times.

10 Feet.

Give or take a few inches,

Depending on how happy you are to see me.

(Groans) oh...

Everything tastes better with a little Paulie on it.

Ok, I'm done.

I'm gonna get 4 more drinks.

You guys want anything?

This round is on us.

Yeah. Hurry, before ladies' night ends.

Now, remember, you order one drink at a time, then shovel it over to me.

I love you when you boss me around.

Well, then snap to it, wench!

No-w-wench in a good way. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I hate pretending that we're not together.

I wanna be more like Paul and claudia.

Oh, so one of us distracts the bartender while the other one steals peanuts?

I want public displays of affection.

Fine. Remove the blinds from my bedroom window.

Several of my neighbors own telescopes.

How do you know that?

'Cause I've seen the perverts through my binoculars.

You want public affection, I'll give you public affection.

Oh! What are you doing?

She's choking.

(Opera plays)

See, this is exactly the kind of evening I couldn't have with bennet--

Classical music, fine wine...

Sparkling conversation.

More pinot noir?

Wow!

I'd watch out how he pets you, rags.

He's on the rebound.

Stuart, do you have any idea how difficult it was to break up with bennet today?

Yeah.

The important thing is I made a clean break.

Still...you know how much I wanted to go to that mercer fight.

(Doorbell rings) yeah, yeah, I do.

No...

You don't.

Hey, Carter.

Stuart invited me over. I hope that's cool. (Laughs nervously)

Hey! Hey! Ha ha!

You see, I love when he does that.

(Thunk)

Ow.

Ok, deadline time.

Janelle, what do you have for the newsletter?

James, there's no gossip in city hall.

What do you want--

Sid in the mail room had a corn removed?

Oh, my god. When?

Hey, Paul, are you done with your astrology column?

Lemme tell you something, james.

I really wanted to do that for you,

But instead, I didn't.

Ok, new girl, I need you to find Mike,

Get the article he wrote about the mayor, and type it up for me.

Junior, I'm a temp... From the latin word I don't care.

James, did you get a chance to see my submission?

Yes, sir, I did...

the word jumble.

Actually, this is a little practical joke we used to play at yale.

No words can be formed using those 6 letters. (Snorts)

Camera.

Damn.

Oh, wait, wait. No, I see my mistake.

Change the "e" to an "o".

Camaro.

Ok.

Change all of the consonants to qs and xs.

Sir? Yes?

Maybe a practical joke isn't-- what?

No, I'm saying the idea of a newsletter is to...

What?

No, I guess what I'm trying to say is--

What?

I love it!

Don't you think you're being wishy-washy?

Uh, yes and no.

Be assertive. Have the courage of your convictions.

Now, come on! For god's sake, do you or do you not like my jumble?

It sucks! It's out!

I'm proud of you.

S-so you're not mad?

Don't be silly!

(Breathless laugh)

Bastard.

I can't believe you're pretending to be bennet's friend

Just to get boxing tickets.

You pretended to like Nikki's mother just to go to the opera.

Different. Nikki hates her mother.

No, I don't.

Oh, please. She treats you like a child,

Judging everything you do. All of the problems in your life stem from the fact

That you haven't dealt with your feelings toward her. I can't believe how insensitive you're being!

Look, after bennet takes me to this fight,

I'll stop hanging out with him.

Oh, so, what, I have to wait one more day?

Actually, I was talking about the tyson fight next january...

Unless tyson has to serve his full prison sentence,

In which case, you could be looking at 3-5 years.

Mom, I love you.

I just wanted to call

And thank you for being the most important person in my life.

It's Nikki.

Nikki?

Check it out.

Affection... Displayed... Publicly.

Oh, Mike, that is so--

Oh! Are you two a couple?!

Uh, no.

Then who are the flowers for?

They're for you.

Why?!

Because, so often in life,

We forget to take the time to say thank you.

For what?

For the little things.

- Like what? - Take the damn flowers!

Very nice.

Ah...

You know, gayle,

I feel like I'm in this house, this big house,

And everything I want is right outside the front door:

All I have to do is step outside and take a look.

And, yet, I'm too afraid to do that.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I do.

(Sighs) he wants me.

(Door opens)

That was a fantastic movie.

I'll go get us some beers.

Guys, guys. A little lower, please.

(Low voice) that was a fantastic movie.

(Low voice) I'll go get us some beers.

(Laughing)

Whatcha watchin'?

It's a command performance;

The cast of le miz accompanied by the london philharmonic.

Ah! Gay-per-view.

Don't tell bennet I said that.

Ha ha. Yeah, yeah.

About that, Stuart...

I've been thinking.

Just because it makes me uncomfortable

That you're hanging out with my ex-boyfriend

Doesn't give me the right to tell you to stop.

- Thank you, Carter. - You know what, Stuart?

I've made a new friend, too.

Dierde.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into your bedroom.

Ah, bennet,

Have you met my friend dierde?

How are you?

Better now. Aren't you a nice tall drink of yoo-hoo?

Stuart, I decided to expand my circle of friends.

How? By adding

A tall, blonde female sociopath!

Stop! You sound like my mom.

So, stu-hole...

Carter told me about your new boyfriend.

What, did you get tired of not satisfying women?

Carter: ho ho ho ho ho!

Oh, oh, Stuart,

I'm sorry.

Is this awkward?

Have I made it uncomfortable for you?

Hey, you're the one who told me to hang out with bennet.

You said that breaking up with him was such a big mistake,

You wanted me to help keep him in your life.

No, no, that-- that's not true.

And then he said if I ever told you this,

He'd get real embarrassed and say that's not true.

Carter! Ha ha!

You don't have to say another word.

No, no, I never-- I never, uh--

You are so dead.

Well, then, let's get this party movin'.

I have 3 words I wanna run past ya--

Dog, butt, firecracker.

You guys have a minute?

I don't. If I don't get this budget faxed to the governor

In the next 5 minutes, no one's getting paid next week.

I have gossip about Mike. Ooh, it can wait.

He's got a crush on someone in the office.

All right, the cat's outta the bag.

Mike wants me.

What?

Janelle's with the mayor,

And all the girls in accounting are dogs,

So who's left?

How about me?

(Giggles)

Nikki, please.

Hey, what's going on?

Mike's got the hots for someone in city hall.

Who, that intern molly? Oh, yeah, he's all over her.

I wonder if he knows that she's only a freshman in college?

He will.

Uh, no, Mike likes me.

Oh, stacy, you are so not his type.

I'm gayle!

Please. You're here for a couple of days.

I don't have time to learn new names.

Besides, he's into blondes.

It's all he ever talks about when we're at the gym.

I'm a blonde.

Yeah, me, too.

You wanted to see me, sir?

Yes, come in.

It's about your speech.

I don't think this paragraph right here works.

- Which one? - Pick one... any one.

Sir, is this about me rejecting your article?

Please, james. I'm not petty.

Just because you hated my piece

Doesn't mean I'm gonna retaliate by rejecting your speech

Or insulting your ridiculous haircut.

Uh, sir, you told me to be more assertive.

Well, james, if I told you to jump off a bridge, would you?

No.

Well, there you go again. Insubordinate.

(Sighs) good day, james.

But sir-- good day.

But-- good--

But-- gah!

(No sound)

Pretty sweet move, bringing in dierde last night.

Ah. She's a real kick in the groin, isn't she?

Mm-hmm. Unfortunately, there's a little flaw in your plan.

You hate dierde more than I do.

Please. I can last longer with dierde than you can with bennet.

Sexually, yes. But other than that, you're outta luck.

He's overbearing. She's evil.

He'll annoy you.

One day she'll burn off all your body hair.

There you are, sir. The first edition of the newsletter.

Why would I want to read your weekly sentinel?

Well...

"the weekly... randall winston"?

All randall, all the time.

Catchy.

Sir, check out the centerfold. Yah!

Who's your daddy?

I wrote this for you.

Now, uh, Nikki,

I don't wanna oversell it,

But this may be the most romantic thing you've ever read.

"randall winston, urban visionary."

Oh, Mike, take me now.

No, that's for james' stupid newsletter.

Where is it?

Mike! You wrote a tribute to me in the newsletter!

"why I love you, by Mike Flaherty."

Sir, uh, this is a little embarrassing,

Uh, for you to read it out loud now.

No, I think it's nice to hear how much you care about the mayor.

Can't...the mayor hear it later over a really nice dinner?

I'd like that, Mike.

But just let me read a little here.

"You're the reason I can't wait to come to work,

"Your smile, your laugh,

The way you run your fingers through your hair."

Thinking: he loves me.

he loves me!

he loves me.

maybe he's becoming a perv.

Excuse me, sir. Could I take a look at that?

"Sometimes when we're all alone in my office,

"I look into your eyes,

And I wish I could take you in my arms and hold you forever."

(Huskily) I don't know what to say, Mike.

What a fight.

Did you see the way mercer worked the body? Uhh!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Every time he did, sanchez would dance away. Ha ha ha.

Then mercer would just track him down and uhh!

Get him into a bear hug.

Ha. And then the fight ended, and we came home.

Hey, you want a beer?

You know what I was thinking...

Why don't we head over to my place?

What?

Well, we spend so much time over here,

I thought we'd head over to my place, and, uh... See what happens.

I...i don't wanna see what happens.

Oh...Stuart!

You gotta help me! No, you gotta help me!

Dierde: car-ter!

So, you giving up first?

No, I'm not giving up first.

Come on, Carter. I've got short hair.

Just close your eyes and think "man".

Carter. Stuart.

Say you give! You say you give!

Anybody got an ice cream scooper?

I give!

(Knock on door)

Mike, can I talk to you for a sec?

Sure, whenever.

I'll just try... And be...gentle.

You. Me. Never gonna happen.

You and me?

Look, it's not me you want.

It's the whole...gayle thing.

The fact is, you're...not my type.

Well, don't worry about it gayle, 'cause--

Wait-w-what do you mean, I'm not your type?

Well, I just... I like a really masculine guy.

You know, rough and tumble, muscular. A... Chest.

Sorry.

Hey, I'll have you know, I lead my roller hockey team in penalty minutes!

I'm scrappy.

Mike...

That poem you wrote

Was so beautiful.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah.

What's wrong?

Gayle.

She just dumped me.

Can we go to dinner now?

I dunno.

I need some time.

Here you go, sweetheart.

You take the cherry.

But Paul, that's your favorite.

You're right. I should take it.

I could use another drink, though.

Oh, who else? Remember, it's 2 for 1 kamikaze night.

Chardonnay.

Beer.

2 Kamikazes coming right up.

Oh, uh, claudia,

Can you get me some peanuts while you're up?

Thank you.

Ok. Why are we still going out with Paul and claudia?

You got the poem.

Yes, I did.

Now I'm shooting for a big kiss right here in the middle of the bar.

How about a hand on knee under the table?

How about hand on hand over the table?

How about a quickie in the bathroom?

Deal.

Hey, Stuart. What are you doing?

Trying to figure out this word jumble.

Listen, um... I was just thinking

After the whole bennet/dierde thing,

Maybe some Stuart/Carter time

Might not be such a bad idea.

Just the two of us?

You got it, buddy.

Stu-art!

Slice of white, slice of pumpernickel.

Here comes the meat!

What is she doing here?

Dierde decided that she and I should get back together.

Dierde, I am warning you--

Ah, ah, ah! 3...2..1.

(Firecracker goes off)

(Dog whimpers)

man: sit, ubu, sit. good dog.

[barking]

moo.