Original subtitles

Morning, Mike.

Hey, the new star wars creatures are out.

Rags hasn't been feeling well lately,

And I can't exactly leave him home alone, so I thought--

Say no more, say no more.

I knew this day would come.

What does that sign say?

Mike, he's not suicidal.

Carter, last time he was here,

He tried to hump the paper shredder.

So, that's it.

Well...you're way off base on this, Mike.

Rags is as happy today as he was 23 years ago.

Really?

(Electrical buzzing)

Now that had to hurt.

Stacy: this was so great, aunt marie.

Thank you so much for visiting.

I had a great time, stace, I really did.

And look, that things-to-do list you made me?

I checked off every one.

Stuart: you know, marie?

The whole time you were here,

You completely ignored me.

Check.

Listen, I gotta catch a plane.

Nice meeting you all.

What was that?

What?

That look between you. I know that look.

That's a dirty look.

Stuart, I don't even know what a dirty look is.

Let me show you.

Ooh, that's so seedy.

I haven't even done it yet.

Hey, is-- is owen here yet?

For the millionth time, no.

I will buzz you the second he gets here.

Jeez, I've never seen you so excited.

You're like a little girl

The morning her brother gets out of jail for beating up a cop.

Or christmas morning.

I'm a little nervous, that's all.

This guy, you know, owen, was my mentor.

He taught me everything I know about politics.

How to campaign...

How to manipulate the press...

Most importantly, how to motivate people,

So when he gets here, I want you guys to all...

You know...uh, do--do stuff.

Michael Flaherty!

Owen kingston!

Ohhhh, look at you. I tell ya.

This is, uh-- this is like stepping back in time.

The past is prologue, Michael.

Men like us have to keep looking...

To the future.

What the hell are you talking about?

I don't know.

When I first hired Michael as an intern

He used to sneak into the office early

And play senator.

I tried to fire him, but by that time

He had already passed some significant legislation.

I wouldn't call it significant.

Uh, right on red? That was me.

Donuts are here!

Hey! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Owen: wait, wait, wait, wait.

First, let us give thanks.

Yeah, ok. Hey, stacy, thanks a lot.

I get the twisty one.

I meant, uh, with prayer.

Michael?

Uh, stacy, wh-why don't you do it?

Hell, no.

I'll go.

Oh, lord, bless this bounty,

And let us revel in your glory

For...

(Emotionally) for we are but wretched sinners...

Who are not worthy of your divine benevolence.

Relax, kid. They're just donuts.

Paul, thanks for hiding rags in here.

I really appreciate it.

Carter, please, we're friends.

Your money is thanks enough.

Ok, these are his pills for

Itching, wheezing, and diarrhea.

This is his anti-fungal cream.

Rub that on his tummy twice a day.

He likes a circular motion,

Not up and down or he'll vomit.

This ointment reduces flatulence.

You dip your finger in here--lightly,

Like so--and rub it gently on his rectum.

I'm gonna need more money.

So I'll take a separate car

And meet you at the mansion for dinner?

Excellent.

And, janelle, since we've started dating,

I know our lives have become full of secret plans

And furtive meetings, mysterious code names.

Yeah, I know. It can be a little awkward.

Well, I was gonna say it's pretty cool.

(Imitating sean connery) I feel like a spy.

Well, I'll see you tonight, randall.

Well, you can call me double-o sexy.

Sir, you remember owen kingston.

Of course. Well, I understand

You're heading up our millennium project.

Mr. Mayor, it is a great honor.

Good to see Mike again, huh?

Yeah, ha ha.

I feel like I did a good job on this one.

Really? you did?

Interesting.

You know, something Mike told me personally

Was one of my proudest moments, and I quote,

"I could have learned to crawl through the world of politics but--

Both: "but you were the one

Who taught me how to walk like a man."

Who would have thought that was gonna come back

And bite me on the ass?

Sir, councilman donne would like to have a word with you.

Uh, I'll handle that, sir.

So, I hear you've been out of the game for awhile.

Are you sure you're still as sharp as Mike says?

How long you been dating your secretary?

About a week.

James, I think this place is really adorable.

(Giggling)

What's so funny?

There's a woman on my bed.

Look, james, I don't want to make you nervous or anything,

But even though I've dated a lot of men,

I've never slept with one. I mean, I don't know,

Maybe it's because I've waited my whole life for the right guy.

So, I'm the right guy?

No, I'm just really sick of waiting.

Teach me everything, james.

I mean, I don't even know how long sex is supposed to take.

Well, with your average guy, it can last, like, 6 or 7 minutes.

Me...i can have you out of here in half that time.

(Phone rings)

Ah, phone.

Won't the machine answer that?

Machine? Who am i, george jetson?

Machine. Marie.

Remember, james. I've just left town.

No one knows I'm here.

Don't worry. I'll be cool.

Hello?

James, it's Stuart.

Hey, let me speak to stacy's aunt.

Sure. It's for you.

Aaaahhhhh! Stuart: I knew it!

So, your friend owen seems...

I don't know...

(Whistles)

A little out there.

Carter, that's just a first impression.

When you first met me, you thought I was, what?

A control freak who wanted to surround himself with yes men.

Am I right? Yes, Mike.

Don't you think owen seemed a little, uh, I don't know...

(Imitating owen) overly religious?

He found religion, so what?

Hope to find religion myself someday.

You know, when I'm older

And looking to cut a deal.

Hey, Mike.

That's a normal guy getting a glass of water.

Hey, Carter. Carter: owen.

Ooh. A dark one.

Evil.

Evil.

Yes. (Sneezes)

(In baby talk) you like this, don't you?

Yes, you do.

Yeah.

Well, I happen to be an expert at this

Because claudia gets a tummy rub every tuesday.

Yeah, all right. That's about all, kiddo.

There you go.

You just stay right there, rags, all right?

(Clunk) (whimper)

Great job, owen. Those committee members loved you.

Ah, it was an old management trick.

The easiest way to bond a group

Is pick an outsider, relentlessly tease him,

And give him a goofy nickname.

Thanks for being a good sport, snack pack.

You know, I've been going over this millennium project proposal.

There's some great stuff in here.

I do think you should tone down the, uh...

The, uh, armageddon end of days rhetoric.

No need to worry, Michael.

I have some good news.

I'm the messiah.

That's--that's a good joke. That's great.

You start with that, you're gonna keep 'em light.

Uh, no, Michael. I'm serious.

The chosen one. The king of kings.

The alpha and the omega.

You're looking at...

Him.

Well, that is good news.

Look, owen, if this is some kind of joke,

Let me just say, uh, good one.

I get it. That's, uh...ha!

I'm as shocked as you are, believe me.

This is a big responsibility.

I mean...

Look at this.

"Things to do.

Banish satan and the forces of evil..."

"Build the new jerusalem...

Buy milk."

Milk!

I keep forgetting to pick up milk.

Owen, you can't be serious.

L-look, Michael.

I know I'm supposed to be able to do this all by myself,

Being the son of god and all,

But I'm feeling a lot of pressure,

So I was thinking-- maybe you could help me.

You want me to help you, what?

Banish satan and establish god's kingdom on earth?

If you're not too busy.

Do you have any idea the position you've put me in?

I mean, this is an important project. I vouched for you.

I put myself on the line with the mayor for you.

Oh, owen, if the press decide

To publicly criticize this millennium program,

How do you think I should respond?

(Shouts) thou shall smite those who defy your will...

From the soles of your feet

To the crowns of their heads!

He says, "go negative."

So you think we'll be ok? Absolutely.

Thank god. Don't mention it.

I can't believe I'm giving mouth-to-mouth to a dog.

(Breathing hard) oh, god! Oh, god!

What do they do in the movies?

(Yelling) don't die on me! Don't you die on me!

(Knock on door)

Paul: yeah?

Paul, open up.

I brought rags a special treat.

Does rags want a little cookie wookie?

Uh...just a second.

Ok, ok, come in, but give the door a good shove,

Because it sticks.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Oh, no!

You hit rags in the head with the door

And you killed him!

Carter: oh, no.

Is he ok?

No, he's definitely dead!

Don't you die on me. Don't you die on me!

Aw, that doesn't work.

So he said he's god.

Remember last night on my kitchen counter?

You said you were god.

No, I said I was like a god.

And--and you agreed.

4 Times.

You'll figure something out.

(Door opens)

I'm sorry. Am I interrupting?

Oh, us? No--no--no.

She's--she's a lesbian.

After all I taught you, sleeping with a member of your staff?

Shouldn't you be giving me this advice on stone tablets?

I knew it. I knew this would happen.

You tell people you're the son of god

And suddenly you're pigeon-holed.

Owen, I don't want to have to do this,

But I've gotta take you off the millennium project.

It's just too high profile.

You're firing me?

Yeah.

Wow. You've really grown some teeth.

Michael, i-- I can do this.

It's still a part of who I am.

Believe in me, please.

I would like to, but--

There was a time when you wanted me to believe in you, and I did.

All right, you stick to politics, ok? No more preaching.

Ok.

Promise? I swear...

To me.

All right, Stuart. Since you know what's going on,

I might as well get your advice. How many women have you slept with?

Roughly?

I don't care how you did it, you sicko.

Marie wants me to teach her about sex. Me!

No problem, I know exactly what to do.

Hey, stacy.

Our little james has a new girlfriend.

Oh, really? So you broke up with your mom?

Ha ha ha ha.

Hey, he's under a lot of pressure.

This woman is looking for someone to satisfy her sexually.

Just have her call this guy.

Be nice.

Rent the movie 9 1/2 weeks.

She's right, james. You watch that movie,

You are guaranteed to get some.

Cool.

Some what?

Mr. Mayor.

Oh, how's it going, snack pack?

Well, I'm on my way to the millennium conference, sir.

You care to join me?

Yeah, great. You know, I like owen a lot,

But I'm a little concerned about his constant invoking of--

God, sir?

That's it.

I mean, I'm totally comfortable with

The occasional reference to, uh...

G-dash-d, but in this context--

Sir, I've spoken to owen, and he's assured me

He's not going to turn this into some religious spectacle.

Why does this look familiar?

I just feel so guilty.

Carter, look. Maybe it was just his time.

You know, if you didn't hit him with the door,

You know, somebody might of...i don't know,

Dropped a paper weight on his head.

Paul, be a little sensitive.

Really. The man's dog just died.

Dead.

Gone forever.

Dead, dead, dead.

He just had so much living left to do.

No, he didn't.

His, uh...

His real name was, uh...

Reginald r. Ragamuffin iii.

He's the only dog on the block who could say his own initials.

"Rrrrrrrr"

So many years.

(Choking up) so many memories.

♪ And I meant ♪

♪ Every word I said ♪

♪ When I said that I love you ♪

♪ I meant that I love you ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ And I'm gonna keep on loving you ♪

♪ 'Cause it's the only thing I wanna do ♪

♪ I don't wanna sleep ♪

♪ I just wanna keep on loving you ♪

♪ Oooh-ooooh-ooooh-ooooh ♪

I can't believe you killed your own dog.

Hey, cut it out!

It was an accident, all right?!

And he's not going to hell!

He's not! He's not!

Well, here's to the winston administration

Blazing a path into the new millennium.

Whoa-oa-oa-oa to the infidels...

Who will burn in a fiery hell!

Well, it was nice working with ya.

Ok. This is a little something from 9 1/2 weeks.

I call it "the striptease."

Oh, no! What?

No! I went out to get the soundtrack from 9 1/2 weeks,

But I accidentally got 9 1/2 weeks to learn the banjo.

James, you know, we really don't need to--

(Banjo music plays)

♪♪♪

All right. You and me...

We're gettin' out of here.

And you...

You're dead tomorrow.

Uh, st-stacy, how did you know?

Howdy, partner!

Hey, turn that up.

♪♪♪

You know, owen--

Actually...

Michael, I'm going to take myself off this millennium project.

Well, hey, I understand.

You got a lot going on.

Probably haven't even banished satan.

Nope. Or bought milk.

Ah, damn!

Sorry it didn't work out.

Don't be. I don't care about the job.

That's not why I came here.

Why did you come here?

I came here to see you.

I miss you, Michael.

Michael, what was it I used to say

Was the number one rule

Of leading an effective campaign staff?

Don't think you know all the answers.

Don't think you know all the answers.

Poor rags.

Goo-oo-ood dog.

He's alive!

It's a miracle.

Oh, my god.

Rags: oh, man. I just can't catch a break.

I'm such a horrible person.

(Knocking)

Yeah, come in.

Carter!

Carter, he's alive!

You didn't kill him.

Oh, I'm so happy for you.

You are such a good friend.

Aw, Carter, aw--

(Rowf) ow! He bit me.

I did it once, I'll do it again.

What?

Um...

(Crash)

It's a game we play--fetch.

I should use a stick.

man: sit, ubu, sit. good dog.

(barking)

moo.