Original subtitles

You know what the greatest feeling in the world is?

Yeah, and you've chosen a lifestyle

That completely rejects it.

I've got a great piece of gossip,

But if you don't wanna hear it, that's fine.

Fine.

Fine.

You can't hold it in, can you?

What?

Look at you. You're like a little teapot

Getting ready to whistle.

(Whistles)

Stop it, Mike. This is childish.

(Whistling)

This is infantile.

(Whistling)

Arthur and Nikki broke up!

Not interested.

I think I only wanted Nikki when I couldn't have her.

I'm, uh, pretty immature that way.

Besides, we work together, so, you know...

You know the old saying.

"Don't get your meat where you buy your bread."

Thanks for dropping by.

So now I'm meat?

I'm sorry, I panicked.

Hey, Carter. Can I borrow 20 bucks?

Valentine's day is really cleaning me out.

You know, all that candy and jewelry.

Plus a little negligee.

James. Got a girlfriend?

Oh, no, no, no. It's for my mom.

Ok, big day, big day.

New york city police force unleashed

Its newest and most technologically advanced weapon

In the war against crime.

Is that the thing Chicago has, Mike?

The fully robotic assault vehicle

With the thermal imaging capability and satellite uplink?

No, it's just a truck.

Hey, don't undersell it. This thing is just loaded

With state-of-the-art spy equipment.

We don't want police chief clark

To get all the credit for this,

So the mayor's gonna ride along on the first bust.

That means the three of you

Are gonna be alone in a van with him

For the next 7 hours, so please,

Try to stagger your ass-kissing.

It's just like the movie about the stakeout.

stakeout.

No--no--no. That's not it. It's with, um...

Emilio estevez and richard dreyfuss.

stakeout 2.

That's the one!

(Phone rings)

Mike Flaherty's office.

Some newspaper listed our number as a psychic hotline.

Yeah, I'll give you a prediction, ma'am.

In a matter of seconds, a complete stranger will hit on you.

(Ringing)

Bondek.

Oh, you have a sexy voice.

(Ringing)

Psychic hotline.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

(Disguises voice) well, I don't have time to talk to you right now,

But I'm sensing your boss will give you candy.

What kind of lame prediction--

Hey, Mike. I was just wondering--

Milk dud?

Oh, my god!

Anybody see you come in here?

Mike, I work here.

Hey, you know what? If we wanna keep this secret,

You gotta carry something work-related in here next time,

Like, uh, papers, or a...

Fax machine.

You know, I've never been in a relationship like this before.

You know, you're thinking something,

I'm thinking the exact same thing.

I thinking we should wait a couple months before we sleep together.

Me, too.

I just feel like if you jump into bed,

Then that's what the relationship is about.

You know, I was just about to...say...that.

Because, you know, I was worried

You were only thinking about the sex.

Me? N-n-no. I...

I was just thinking about, you know, being with you.

Getting to know you.

And all your magical powers.

Who is it?

It's Carter.

What's the secret password?

You've gotta be kidding me.

Not even close.

I've got juice boxes.

Sweet.

Wow.

Scooby, shaggy.

What do you say we go find some crime?

Isn't Mike coming with us?

No, no, no, but we'll be ok, sir.

We've got a crack staff right here.

Turn it off. Could you turn it off?!

Get it off!

(Phone ringing)

(Foreign accent) psychic hotline. This is alexa.

Oh, yes, sure, I remember you, Paul.

You know my name?

I'm psychic, you moron.

Paul, are you nervous?

Well, yes, actually.

I stole 10,000 pens.

You see, I like to sell them in my neighborhood

As city hall souvenirs.

Vell, I sense that your boss has his assistant

Go through the invoices,

So if you bring her by some gifts,

Maybe a, uh, fruit smoothie...

Me, too.

Make that 2 smoothies...

And everything vill be fine.

No--no--no--no. I'm not making any drinks for stacy.

I am varning you, Paul.

If you don't, something bad vill happen.

You're not supposed to threaten people.

You're a mean psychic.

Fine, fine. Then, your best friend vill...

Vill...vill lose the use of his legs.

No! I'm not making any drinks for stacy.

Stacy--she treats me like dirt.

She's a witch.

Hey, stac, how are ya?

You know how I said we should take it slow, sexually?

Yes.

Well, what if I told you I wanted to do a 180?

I'd say I'm not familiar with that position,

But I'm willing to give it a try.

Let's get out of here.

There you are. Let's go hit happy hour.

Oh, i--i don't feel like it.

Aw, come on. You promised.

For god's sake, will you back off?!

She doesn't feel like it!

I'm joking.

Just, uh, kidding with ya.

Get outta here! Rrrrrrr!

Arrrrrrrrr! Arrrrr!

For god's sake! Rrrrrr!

You said you were going to have one drink with stacy and janelle.

It's been over 2 hours.

They wouldn't let me leave.

Oooh. Tequila.

Let me buy you another round.

Yeah, uh--uh-- look. Tv.

Huh? The weather.

You're having second thoughts, aren't you?

W-what? You're not attracted to me anymore?

Th-that's not it.

So, what is it then, Mike?

Here's the thing.

You said you were gonna be here at 8:00,

And I was excited.

8:30 Rolls around, I'm even more excited.

Now at 9:00--at 9:00,

I think it's safe to say...

Without exaggeration,

I have never been more excited in my entire life.

Now, 9:30, all of that excitement, it--it--it--

It turned into something else.

Let's call it tension.

And you know me, nik.

I'm a problem solver.

Ohhhhhhh, Mike!

I know, I was sitting around here,

I had a couple glasses of wine,

I'm thinking about you,

And next thing I know I'm all over myself.

Is there anything to eat? Ah.

You better not have foofed up our stakeout.

I didn't foof up anything, pal.

If anyone wants some crudités, it's in the crisper.

Hey, wait a minute, guys. We got a perp. Where?

That guy right over there. He's up to no good.

Come on, baby. Do your dirty deed.

Mayor: I can't hear anything.

Hit that button over there that controls the sound.

I'm pretty sure that's the intercom.

Mayor, over loudspeaker: I think I know what an intercom looks like.

Hey, you're the mayor.

Mayor: see that guy? He's about to buy some drugs.

What he doesn't know is that other guy's a cop.

Looks like your partner...

Really screwed that up.

I'm just trying to understand

Why you couldn't wait.

Were you really thinking about me?

Oh, yeah.

How was i?

Oh, you would not believe the things you did to me.

Y-y-you were hot, you were wild, you were primitive.

B-but very classy.

I forgive you.

(Knock on door)

Did you lock the door after I came in?

No.

Hey, Paul, um, you know what?

Ok, uh, right, um, you know what?

I'm just gonna read today's paper

And let you know what's in 'em tomorrow, ok?

He's getting really weird.

What are you doing here, Paul?

Mike, you're my best friend.

Just tell me you can still use your legs.

Stand up.

I can't right now.

Oh, god, why?

Why?!

Did you two get the campaign finance figures from the, uh...

What happened to you last night?

I waited for you to come back, you never did.

I went over to your place, you weren't there.

I went to your place. I was in my nightie.

Damn.

Damn, the mayor hates to miss an opportunity like that.

There any chance those figures

Might present themselves again?

Oh, well, um, I believe that the, uh,

Aforementioned constituent could be polled over lunch.

Fine, I'll just, uh--i'll, uh,

I'll tell you what. I'll get on the horn

And I'll make the arrangements

And you prepare the spreadsheets.

(Whispering) what does that mean?

I don't know, but it sounded kind of dirty.

What sort of action are we tracking?

Sir, this area is dominated by

The world's oldest profession.

Bankers.

Actually, sir, I was referring to--

I was making a joke. For god's sake,

Loosen up your tie there, friday.

I can't believe such a nice hotel

Would be running a call girl ring.

They're not running it, junior.

They're just looking the other way, god bless 'em.

It's amazing that in this day and age,

People still pay for sex.

Well, my ex-wife got a million dollars in the divorce.

If you divide that by the amount of times we slept together,

That's like...

A million dollars a pop.

(All laughing)

I'm a little nervous.

Hey, look. We're just two adults

Checking into a hotel. Just be yourself.

Your name, sir? Beagleman. Bernie beagleman.

It used to be smith, but, uh,

We changed it.

My great grandfather loved dogs.

Beagle man.

I'll see if I have an opening in the...

Sex for the first time suite.

Why, that little...

All right, bernie.

Let's just, uh, focus on what's important here.

Oooh, is that the nightie?

Oh, you go, mrs. Beagleman.

You know what, give me some money

So I can go get us some champagne at the bar.

You don't just ask for money and expect to get it.

Here you go.

All right, you're both under arrest for solicitation.

So I guess we won't be needing these.

Paul, get away from my desk.

Just a second. I'm calling my psychic.

(Phone rings)

Oh, shoot. Got another call.

They hung up.

(Ringing)

Oh, sugar!

Paul, why do you need to call a psychic?

Psychics are for people on a higher intellectual plane.

They're for people who can put 2 and 2 together.

(Ringing)

Arrrh! Every time I dial, your phone rings.

Did we miss it?

Was there an arrest?

No.

We'll release the girl you were here with.

Mike's got a new girlfriend.

You're a randy little spaniel, Flaherty.

We'll bring the young lady back in.

No, don't, 'cause i--i--i don't know her.

I mean, I've never seen her before in my life.

So we should take her downtown and book her?

Yeah.

Paul, go to your own office.

I will, just a minute.

I'm gonna call my psychic again.

Uh, she's probably not there right now.

No--no--no. It's a 24-hour hotline.

Then she has to pick up.

(Ringing)

(Softly) hello?

Hi, alexa. Why are you whispering?

I'm not. I'm sensing that you're losing your hearing.

Hey, janelle, say something.

(Very softly) like what?

Oh, well, that's just great.

Alexa-- (ah-choo)

Oh, god bless you, alexa. Hey, god bless you, stac--

Pay no attention to the voman behind the desk.

Paul, we were just having a little fun.

Fun?

Fun?!

You embarrass me in front of my friends,

You turn me into your butler,

You send me to the track and tell me

To put my paycheck on a horse named slowpoke?

Like I said, fun.

Paul, we're really sorry.

Ah, no hard feelings.

Oh, my god! The horse came in? What are the odds?

About 60-1, baby!

So, how was the slammer?

You let them put me away.

I also got you out.

I was in a holding cell.

With criminals.

Chick criminals.

I didn't want them to find out about us.

Someday, this will just be a funny story

That we tell people at cocktail parties.

Hey, honey, remember the time

I had you arrested for turning tricks?

And then we'll laugh and we'll laugh

And just--we'll-- we'll laugh.

It's like somebody's trying to keep us apart or something.

Maybe it's fate. Maybe we're just not meant to be.

No, that's not what fate wants.

No, I talked to fate. Fate is psyched about us.

You're upset. Just talk to me.

I don't wanna talk to you.

You know, being in the system has really changed you.

Bye, Mike.

So that's what car thieves look like.

Do we know what we're supposed to do if they actually steal one?

I guess we'll tail the skells

Till they run low on fuel.

Then we'll run 'em off the road

And beat the crap out of them.

Can't see them on the monitor anymore.

I'll bet they're hot-wiring it right now.

(Engine starts)

Why are we moving?

James, go ask the driver.

I don't think he can hear me.

He's wearing a ski mask.

Mayor, on loudspeaker: citizens of New York.

This is the mayor.

I have been stolen.

Help us!

He-e-e-e-e-e-elp!

(Music plays)

♪ Please don't tell ♪

♪ I never meant to hurt you ♪

♪ Though I did and wish you well and ♪

♪ Please don't you tell ♪

♪ I don't know what I was thinking ♪

♪ This disease ♪

♪ Brings me to my knees ♪

♪ This disease ♪

♪ Kills me by degrees ♪

♪ Everybody gets what they deserve ♪

♪ But it could be wrong ♪

♪ 'Cause I could never live with me ♪

♪ Before you came along and ♪

♪ You made me whole ♪

♪ You crept in through the window of my soul ♪

♪ This disease... ♪

I was just out walking.

Listen, you're absolutely right--

You know, about today--

I feel awful-- no, I'm a complete fool.

♪ ...kills me by degrees ♪

♪ Everybody gets what they deserve... ♪

Are you happy?

I'm perfect.

Is there anything else you want?

Not a thing.

Loving you.

The great one, Wayne Gretzky, at age 37

Lights the lamp not once,

Not twice, but 3 times at the garden.

The hat trick was Gretzky's second as a ranger...

What's a hat trick?

Oh, it's when you score 3 times in one night.

man: sit, ubu, sit. good dog.

(barking)

moo.