Original subtitles

Nikki, uh... Nikki in there yet?

No...

But I did see her at her locker after first period

Talking to kenny moran.

You know, he is the captain of the football team.

When you say things like that,

You're being way more childish than I am,

Like a billion, trillion, gajillion times more.

Oh, here she comes! Here she comes.

She see the flowers yet?

Ah, she's smiling...

She's reading the card!

She stopped smiling.

Ooh, she's coming in here. Ooh, she's pissed!

What the hell are these supposed to mean?

Relax. It's just-- just my way of saying thank you for a job well done.

Doing the same thing for everybody.

Hey, Paul, uh...

Nice press conference yesterday.

Uh...here.

Take my watch.

Oh, thanks, Mike!

Mike, I'm in a relationship with arthur!

Oh, really?

Don't you see how unfair this is to me?

Ok, I should just go--

No. You should just stay.

We're just gonna tell you later anyway.

Yeah, that would be more efficient.

If you want me to back off so that you can see how you...

Really feel about arthur, I can do that, you know? I--

Only if you really, really, really want me to.

I really, really, really want you to.

Are you gonna be ok with that?

Hah hah hah hah hah!

(Heartbeat thumps) aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

(Tha-dump tha-dump) aah! Aah! Hah hah!

(Tha-dump tha dump) hah hah hah! Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!

Sure, no problem.

Captioning made possible by dreamworks television, llc, abc inc.,

And the crisp, clear refreshing taste of 7up

Mike, I know I agreed to go

To that waterfront dedication today,

But with all those random people out there,

Who's to say one of 'em wouldn't be a heckler

Or an activist...

Or a disgruntled former cia agent

Who's been stalking me for years

And has a high-powered plastic gun

That he hides in a rabbit's foot.

Sir, you rented in the line of fire again, didn't ya?

No! (Laughs)

Maybe.

Mike, the director of the gay pride parade called.

They're withdrawing the mayor's invitation to ride on the float

Unless he responds to the incident.

What incident?

Oh, remember we had the mayor speak to the gay communities

Of all 5 boroughs?

Brooklyn and the bronx went great, but in retrospect,

We really shouldn't have had him start that third speech

With "hello, queens."

That's not funny.

So you see why I put you two together

To come up with the speech. You finished yet?

Some of james' best work.

Oh, please. It wasn't me.

I'm just looking for a simple yes or no.

Yes. Yes.

What speech?

I thought you knew.

Stuart, don't ever touch my date book again.

You don't know it was me.

"February 9th. Service Stuart."

10Th is good for me, too.

You know what, stu? A few months ago, this might have bothered me.

But now... I'm confident.

I have a great boyfriend.

Life is good.

You cannot affect me.

I put fake nude pictures of you on the internet.

Mmm!

It's over, Stuart.

Hi, guys.

Hi, sweetie.

I'll be right back.

We're a good couple, aren't we?

Why would you care what I think?

Well, you and Nikki are so close, I thought we should be close, too.

Come on, Carter.

This your first time taping news footage?

Yeah, how'd you know?

Just a wild guess.

Mike, let's get this dedication over with.

Hey, mr. Mayor, whaddaya say you give me a little publicity here?

Have a hot dog. It's on me.

Sorry, but I find vender food to be repulsive.

Thanks anyway. Vote winston!

Mr. Mayor--

We're over here. There you go.

Mike, this pier doesn't seem that secure.

Aren't there any secret service around?

Yes, sir, right there. We got one over there,

And this little girl with the balloons.

Sir, there are bodyguards everywhere.

And Paul's here and Nikki's here.

You have my personal guarantee nothing is gonna hap--

It's a gun! (Pop pop pop)

(Woman screams)

I'm hit! I'm hit!

No, no, no, sir, sir.

It's just that little girl's balloon.

Oh.

Then I'm probably ok!

Gay parade speech. Gay...

Parade speech.

This is not how I wanted to spend my evening.

Relax. We can do this.

You know, it's your fault we're here,

Miss forget to give the, uh...

Message to...us two.

I said I was sorry. Now drop it, ok?

Gay parade speech. Gay...

Parade speech.

This is not how I wanted to spend my evening.

I need a break.

Me, too.

Carter, is--is that little dog of yours still trying to kill himself?

James, that is just Stuart's twisted sense of humor.

He's chewing on a bottle of your sleeping pills.

No, no!

Gimme that!

How'd he get in the medicine cabinet?

Hey, he may be old, but he still climbs like a puppy.

Just this last week, he was able to get into the fuse box, the knife drawer,

And the...microwave.

Come on, let's watch the tube.

Hey, see if the telly tubbies are on!

People, people, though I grant you

Procrastination has long been a useful tool of the successful scribe,

We are under too narrow a time constraint to utilize that amenity.

If you're through barfing up a dictionary,

I have one thing to say to you.

The movie a few good men is on in 2 minutes.

Tch. I've never seen that movie, and I don't care.

Tom cruise in a navy uniform.

Ten hut!

I don't understand what all this coverage is about.

This was no big deal.

It was horrible, mom. I saw my whole life flash before my very eyes.

Which reminds me, uncle lou still owes me $5.00.

I gotta go.

Paul, I want my watch back.

Sorry, chief. You gave it to me.

You didn't have to walk me to work.

I just wanted to make sure you're ok.

Buncha balloons popped. Someone pushed me outta the way. I'm fine.

Hey, Mike, old buddy.

Hey, arthur, old...

Arthur.

More flowers?

They're not as nice as the ones she brought home yesterday...

From her mother.

You, uh, kept those flowers, huh?

Lemme walk you out.

You should have seen this bouquet.

Yeah, I called my mom and asked her to back off a little bit,

But she never pays any attention to me.

Well, leave your mother alone. She's crazy about you.

You listen to the man.

I'm not goin' in there, Mike.

All of those strange faces. I mean, look at that guy.

What's he got in his hand?

I believe that's one of those new tricky sandwich guns, sir?

I'm a public figure, Mike.

Now, I know this sounds silly to you,

But yesterday made me feel very vulnerable.

Why all of a sudden now? You've been the mayor for 3 years.

I used to be married to helen.

I didn't care if I got shot.

Thanks so much for meeting me, Carter.

Well, if there's one thing us homosexuals are good for,

It's listening.

We're also pretty good at decorating,

And, of course, having sex with men.

But, hey, that's old news.

Now, what's on your mind?

I decided to propose to Nikki.

Oh...

Thank you!

I got reservations at an amazing bed and breakfast in nantucket.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You're kidding, right?

Artie, baby...

Nikki hates the mushy, romantic, girly-man stuff.

Tell me how I can make her happy.

Arthur...

This moment belongs to you and Nikki,

And I'm not gonna get in the middle, no matter what you say.

Ok! Well--

The first thing you're gonna need...

Is a clown suit.

Sir, all I'm saying is you're gonna have to leave the office eventually.

It's after 11:00.

Actually,

It's 10:53.

Is this waterproof?

I don't know, Paul. Let's go to the east river and find out.

You know, howard hughes ran his entire empire from one room,

Top of the sands hotel.

Well, sir, howard hughes had foot-long fingernails, and he died of syphilis.

You gotta get out of this office and go give your gay parade speech.

Mike, I don't even have the speech.

Carter and james still have it.

You know what, sir? Why don't I show you the tape of the waterfront opening?

Confront your fears. You know what my greatest fear is?

Well, it's not sweating or annoying people.

How about that? 10:54!

You know, Paul, you're right.

You're right. I have to face this.

Sir, I'm gonna put this on slow mo.

Now you can see how everybody jumped to protect you.

Ooh.

Hey, janelle, I'm here to see the mayor.

And you are?

Here to see the mayor.

I'm sorry, sir, but he's completely booked.

Janelle... I make the man's schedule.

He's free until march.

(Whispers) he's listening.

(Knocks on door)

Come on, sir. We got a city to run.

The vendors are threatening to retaliate.

You need your right-hand man.

You're out! If I'm out, who's in?

Janelle, randall and I have a busy afternoon,

So hold all calls. Mike, we'll try and fit you in later, all right?

(Snoring)

Watch your hands, junior!

Sorry.

I was dreaming I was an apple picker.

Oh, my god! We're late!

Aah!

Come on! Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Oh, god!

We never wrote the speech!

All right, all right, all right,

Did you ever oversleep for a test in college?

Yeah, once, the night before professor franklin's latin final.

What did you do? I rolled over and said,

"Hey, professor franklin, we're late."

Come on! We gotta write something!

Ah, ok...

This is just a speech about gay pride.

This should be easy.

He's right. He's right.

We have to, uh, we have to stay calm. Uh...

(Shouts) I've got nothing! Me neither.

You come on! You're gay, you're proud, and you never shut up.

Start blabbin', I'll write it down.

This is hopeless.

We are complete and utter failures.

(Snaps fingers) are you getting this?

Damn you, tom cruise!

Damn your winning smile!

Paul, get out. The mayor and I need to talk.

Mike, anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of Paul.

Fine. Sir, I think we should fire Paul.

Mike, we've been watching the tape of the pier opening again.

Oh, now, now watch this. You see...if you play it in reverse,

It looks like you're actually trying to save me.

Oh, no, there you go, thinking only of yourself.

Care!

Don't care.

Care!

Don't care.

Care!

Don't care.

Sir, I know-- I know what it looked like,

But...let me assure you, I am completely there for you.

No one is more devoted to you than I am.

Paul is. Right, Paul?

That's right, sir.

Sit, Paul.

See? Blind obedience.

See, that's the difference between you and me, Mike.

I would do anything for this man.

Show him, Paul.

Burn your hand.

You know, I would, sir...

I don't-- I don't have a lighter.

Here you go, smokey.

Look, sir, all I'm saying is

I don't see...

I don't see why we can't just get past this and go back to work.

I just thought you might need a little rest...

After all of that diving out of the way!

Oh, is that what you thought?

Yes, that's what I thought.

Fine.

Fine.

(Whimpers) ow...

I'm gonna need some medical attention.

Nikki?

Hmm?

Say that thing again.

What thing?

That thing about how I can't affect your life.

There is nothing you can do or say

That will ever again have any kind of consequence on my life.

(Honk honk honk honk)

Nikki...

Will you marry me?

Why are you in a clown suit?

Carter told me how your grandfather was a clown and--

(Yells) that's not Carter!

It's over... When I say it's over!

Hey, I don't mind making a fool of myself in front of you.

I love you more than anything else in this world, Nikki.

Will ya marry me?

Wow.

You really think she's gonna marry that bozo?

Hey, sir.

I just came to drop these off.

I'll have Paul pick them up later when he, um...

Comes back from the emergency room. You ok, Mike?

You ever felt like you're losing someone, sir,

Someone you really care for, and there's not a thing you can do about it?

Aw, come on.

Things aren't that bad.

It's just those words...

I love you. I...

Every time I've wanted to say I love you to someone

That I can't imagine a day without seeing their face,

It just always comes out as...

I'll see ya later.

The worst part is that I'm the one who's caused

All the problems in the relationship.

I keep finding myself saying, "I hope they say it first."

I love you, Mike.

Excuse me, sir?

I love you, Mike.

I was talking about a woman.

Oh.

I see.

Don't--don't get me wrong, sir.

I--i-- our relationship means the world to me.

I would do anything for you.

And?

And that's how I feel.

Hell with it.

Mr. Mayor--

You have any idea how much it hurts to say to someone...

I love you...

(Voice breaks) and not hear it back?

Sir, it's just those words, sir.

Sir, i--

I'll see ya later!

You say you don't want me in that gay pride parade.

Well, I say... Deep down in places you don't talk about at parties,

You want me on that float.

You need me on that float.

This is my favorite part.

Sir, we're looking for a simple-- you want answers?

I think I'm entitled. You want answers?

I want the truth!

You can't handle the truth!

Mike.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm going away with arthur.

Oh. So...

All right, so you're gonna go.

So that means you probably--

Yeah. Yeah. Probably.

Nikki--

You know, Mike, I don't think we should even talk about it really.

Hey, mr. Mayor! Nikki, wait--

You don't like hot dogs?

Try one with everything!

Hey! Hey!

That was very brave, Mike.

I love you, sir.

I have been waiting years to hear those words.

I love you, too, sir.

Shut up, Paul.

(Pop pop pop)

Good night, man.

You know what I don't get?

You'd jump in front of a bullet

To protect someone you really loved in a second.

I took a day off.

That was you.

Hey.

Nikki, I thought you were...

Going to, uh...

Wow.

I think maybe I should go tell arthur

I'm not gonna go away with him.

I think maybe you should.

See ya later.

Me, too.

Hey, Mike.

I see by this schedule

I got a press conference at the sewage treatment plant.

Well, not at.

In.

Would you like your watch back?

Very much.

Paul.

The real one.

Oh, and Paul...

If you burn yourself on purpose,

You don't get workman's comp.

man: sit, ubu, sit. good dog.

(barking)

moo.