Original subtitles

Hi. I'm helen winston,

Former wife of mayor randall winston.

When I was asked to do this campaign commercial, I jumped at the chance,

Because I know randall better than almost anyone...

Which is why I say a vote for winston

Is a vote for the complete destruction of New York.

Please...

Vote pat jones.

I think she still likes you.

What do you think the jones campaign paid her to do this?

Oh, no, sir. She paid them.

We can't just let this go. We're gonna have to respond in some way.

Of course. I say we disagree.

That's a dynamite instinct.

We're gonna have to be a little more specific

Than just, uh... (Peevishly) nuh-uh.

In the meantime, I got the guys in the lab

To put in a special effect, something that'll cheer you up.

What kind of effect?

Once you get past this spot, a piano falls on her head.

(Piano crashes)

Again.

You know what, when I look around this room,

I don't see a staff. You know, I see a family.

A family that works together,

A family that cares for each other,

And you know what?

I don't have time for this crap.

You're all coming to the mayor's for thanksgiving dinner.

Oh, god! Oh, my god! But... No, no!

Listen to me. We're getting attacked, ok?

We have to do something to show the voters that the mayor is a family guy.

Whatever. At least it gets me out of Carter's

Little gay thanksgiving.

It's going to be a traditional dinner.

Turkey, sweet potato, pumpkin pie.

What about stuffing?

(Ominously) they do that after.

The dinner will be televised live.

The guest list will include the mayor's father,

His daughter meg, and 8 of his nearest and dearest employees.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking, "this sucks, but at least I'm getting paid."

Well, you're wrong. It just sucks.

Mike, I was supposed to meet arthur's family.

Oh, relax. The circus does not leave town

For another couple of weeks.

Come on, Mike. I wanna spend the day with this guy I'm dating.

I'm crazy about him. It's really serious.

What's his name?

Kevin...

Something.

James, this is gonna be a family event.

So I need you to come up with something, you know, something for the kids.

How about we set up an interactive city hall website

Where the kids can download various historic pictures and sounds,

Like creating a virtual thanksgiving in cyberspace?

How about a puppet show?

Paul, I need you to check on the food.

Excellent.

Carter, can you check on the decorations for me?

Oh, sure. The gay guy.

Fine. Then go down to the cellar and pick out some wine.

Ha! Another stereotype.

Well, what would you like to do?

I wanna arrange the flowers.

Mike, I know you expected to sit next to me at dinner.

I would prefer to sit closer to the camera.

Well, that's it.

Dinner's off!

Hey, janelle,

Nice dress.

What'd it run ya?

Can't you just say that's a nice dress?

Depends. What'd it run ya?

I don't like to talk about money.

Ha. Me neither.

This suit...free.

You got taken.

Oh, it would've been so romantic to be with arthur today.

I'm sure you feel the same way about kevin.

Yeah, I do.

Hey, kevin.

You dog!

Look, we got a saying in brooklyn.

When you wanna get with your man but you can't be where he is,

You bring him to where ya at.

That's a saying in brooklyn?

Look, I'm from brooklyn. I just said it.

Can't believe my daughter can't make it.

Meg going to her mom's?

No.

It's her college.

Apparently, california schools don't give any days off for thanksgiving.

No thanksgiving, no christmas, no summer breaks.

It's insane. Kids can't get home.

Right now she's stuck doing the week abroad at some pre-med program

In cancun.

Club med, cancun?

That's the one.

Well, sir, look at the bright side. At least your dad's coming.

Now, don't get me wrong.

My father and i, we have this wonderful, healthy relationship.

We just don't like each other.

So you don't tell me that,

But I get a 4-page memo that you're allergic to cumin.

Makes my lips puff up.

Oh, look!

My father's here.

Well, let's try to keep him off the furniture, huh, sir?

No, that's his dog, brutus.

I'm in town 10 minutes, already I've got a parking ticket!

Tell dad I say hello.

James, I've been looking at the script for the puppet show,

And, uh...yikes!

I thought we were presenting an accurate depiction of the first thanksgiving.

We are.

James...

I don't think the pilgrims were big into the hip hop scene.

Carter, I'm just trying to appeal to the kids today

By adding a little modern flava.

Er.

Ok, well, I had the caterer

Ride your dog out to the stables.

You've got a nice place here.

Tell him I said thanks.

Maybe one day you'll own your own house.

Well, the house comes with being--ahem--

The mayor, which is what I am... in case you forgot.

Ok, look, i, uh, I understand what's going on here,

But I'm afraid the viewing audience at home

Might mistake this playful father/son banter

As...i don't know... Hatred?

So, uh...it's a holiday.

Why don't you guys just shake hands?

There ya go.

Let me take your coat, sir.

Yes, thank you.

I saw the portrait of your mother in your den.

As if you didn't spend enough time with her growing up.

I only spent time with her because you were never there.

Oh, come on! You have nothing to complain about.

You've had everything handed to you your whole life.

You handed it.

Well, you took it!

What choice did I have?

Well... To not take it!

What sense would that have made?!

Whoa, whoa, guys, look,

Can we just acknowledge that the winston men love each other

And that the family bond transcends any petty differences?

Can we at least acknowledge

That the winston men are such accomplished wasps

That they're masters at pretending that there is no problem?

You hungry, sport?

You know it, pops.

There it is. There's the connecticut spirit.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Man, whispering: no lights.

No problem.

Where are you?

Over here.

Both: mmm...

(Kissing sounds)

Happy thanksgiving.

You've got a new, beautiful glow, stacy.

So why is someone giving you a free suit? What's the catch?

No catch. I happen to be a very attractive man.

Ok, now, in 2 minutes, we're gonna be on live tv.

In front of you, you will find little place cards,

And on those cards you will see what I would like you to talk about

When you're on the air.

Hey, Mike... My card is blank.

Must be a typo.

I'm starved.

Oh, everything here looks very nice, randall.

Well, thank you, dad.

And...we're live.

Good evening.

I'm the mayor of New York.

And I would like to invite you to have thanksgiving

With me and my family.

These rolls are cold.

I knew it. I knew I would fail.

Nothing is ever good enough for you!

And we're dead.

This looks like it could be even better than the football game.

Hello.

Welcome to thanksgiving dinner with the mayor.

The mayor--the mayor isn't here right now.

Uh, he...

Ha ha ha! Ha ha! He went out back to-- to check on the kids' table.

It's gonna take him a few minutes,

Because that's in the backyard.

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking, "brr, it's 20 degrees outside,"

But, uh, the kids have hats on, and--and--and--

And god love 'em, they love the gravy pops.

So I'm gonna go help the mayor,

And while I do that,

All of these people here are gonna tell you what they're grateful for.

Uh...oh. Um...

Well, I would like to give thanks for my amazing boyfriend.

Hi, arthur.

That's so touching. Can we move on, please?

You know what? I'd like to thank my mom and dad

For always believing in me, and of course my friends for being there, and--

Hey, junior, this is thanksgiving, not the oscars.

Now I'd be thankful for some decent wine.

Hi. I'm Paul Lassiter,

And I'm the press secretary here,

And I'm thankful for the low, low prices

At murray's suit warehouse

On fordham road in the bronx.

If you're in a hurry...

Shop at murray's.

The mayor's thanksgiving dinner.

You know, I've seen this episode.

This is the one where we find out if we all still have careers.

Mike, look at this ring.

Every father in my family has given one to his son.

I found mine in a box in the attic.

Well, sir, maybe he was just waiting for the right moment.

Box was labeled, "things I'll have to give to randall

If I don't have another son."

Sir, we're getting attacked on family values.

Now, by my watch, you have 27 minutes

To get back in there and make up with your dad.

Sorry, Mike.

Sometimes you just have to take a stand.

Besides, they look like they're doing fine without me.

I find comfort in the thanksgiving holiday, but...

Not even thanksgiving can top the comfort

Of a pair of ultra-ped casual dress shoes.

So, let your feet use their head.

Always wear ultra-ped.

(In lower voice) prices may vary.

Not all styles available in all stores.

Ah, stacy.

Looking for another backstage pass to lollapa-stuza?

Ok, look, I'm sorry.

I mean it's not your fault

That god put such soft lips on a slimy, evil creature.

Oh, hey.

Come on.

You don't have to call me--

Wait a minute, soft lips.

You liked it.

No, I didn't.

No, stacy, come on! I know that look.

Repulsed, yet strangely drawn to me.

It doesn't count. I thought you were kevin.

Uh-uh. If you liked it, you liked it.

No, you can like something before you find out what it really is.

Ok.

I know you want to keep this between us.

But I'm obligated to go tell the city on live television.

It's my moral code.

Stuart!

♪ You liked it! ♪

♪ You liked it! ♪

You--

Liked it!

Paul Lassiter, ladies and gentlemen.

Good sport. Knows how to take a fall.

James, why don't you share your favorite spontaneous memory of the mayor?

Well, Mike, there are just so darn many.

It would have to be the time the mayor surprised me

With that clinique makeup kit.

Funny, that sounds an awful lot like

One of janelle's favorite memories.

You know, these are just the kind of awkward moments

That the mayor loves so much.

And, uh, I'm sure he'll be out here any minute.

No, he won't.

Stacy and I kissed and she liked it!

All: what?

I tricked her.

All: oh.

You know, I usually enjoy a fine meal at thanksgiving,

But my son is not here,

The wine is so-so,

And there's no turkey,

So maybe I should just go to the rainbow room.

Sir, sir.

Everybody pass the plates around.

Sir, please.

Um, look, you're a businessman.

What do I have to do to get you to stay?

Some time ago, my wife gave my son

One of my prized bottles of wine,

Chateau le fite, '47.

You've got 3 minutes to find it.

Deal.

Uh, james, Carter, start with your puppet show.

Put the plates down.

I'll be right back.

Yello, Mike.

Saw you coming.

Oh, yeah. That's great, sir.

Where's my wine?

Remind me not to book him for the christmas special.

I gotta go. I gotta get...

Yeah, I saw that part.

Said he'd leave if you didn't.

I wonder what's gonna happen next.

Oh, look hither! A turkey!

A free range turkey with no preservatives

Or growth-enhancing chemicals.

Of course not.

Because those things don't exist...

Mr. Psychic pilgrim who can see hundreds of years into the future!

I can't see into the future

But I can certainly see the script,

And your line is "gobble gobble gobble!"

Oh, please tell me that's not the bottle of wine I'm looking for.

What? This isn't the good stuff.

It's old and dusty.

Oh, it's from 1947.

And it's not even from america.

I don't have time for this. Give it to me.

Hey, get your own hooch.

It took me 10 minutes to gnaw the cork out of this one.

Aw, don't backwash in it.

Have you been eating crackers?

Mike, Stuart's lips cannot be the last ones that touch mine. Kiss me.

I'd be worried about you shooting and eating me.

But of course,

You've probably used up all your ammo

Killing and oppressing the indians.

What you don't know is that the pilgrims

Would head-butt the turkeys when they ran out of bullets.

It went a little something like this.

(Thud thud thud)

Oh. Is that right?

(Mumbling angrily to each other)

It's go time, mister.

Come on, pilgrim!

Come on, pilgrim!

Come on, turkey!

Come on! Go!

No kiss, no wine.

All right. All right, stacey. You know what?

Close your eyes.

'Cause I'm gonna rock...your...

World!

Hey!

Hey, you don't wanna mess with a sicilian!

Sir, why don't you take this out to your father?

Oh, that's great.

Sir, I don't want to trivialize the complex relationship between you and your dad,

But if you go out there,

I'll give you a cookie.

I think he can swallow this ring

The same way I've been swallowing all of his insults.

That's good, sir.

You know what? You should put your cufflinks in the gravy.

No. Wait, wait.

I'll, uh, I'll bring it out.

You know what, sir?

This is a turkey, this is not a piñata.

All right, turn your beak and cough.

You're taking this--

Back.

Oh, man.

My watch is stuck.

Come on.

Come on, turkey, let go.

Mike, take a look at this.

(Ugh!)

Ah!

Come with me.

Come back, pencil neck!

Mike: hi, kids.

Well, that ends that portion of our show.

But mr. Pilgrim and mr. Turkey sure would like to apologize

For their behavior.

This is a sad day for puppets.

Mr. Mayor, we're off the air in 3 minutes.

You gotta get out there.

You just don't understand.

You know what, sir?

I need some help.

Just once,

I wish my father would just look me in the face and say,

"I'm proud of you, son."

Well, you know-- hi. How're you doin'?

He's not gonna change.

You have gotta be the bigger man.

But you know what really worries me?

(Straining voice) that I'm the same type of father he is!

Oh!

You know, sir? Look at your family.

Oh, come on, Mike. They don't think of me as a father.

Yeah, they do, sir.

We all do.

Well, I'll think about it, Mike.

All right.

(Grunting)

Hey, marmaduke.

What are you staring at, marmaduke?

What do you think this is, 20 pounds of juicy meat?

No! Save some white meat!

(Sound of dog gnawing)

Ah!

Ok, food's on.

What would you like, dark meat...

Or bone?

Wait a sec, Mike. Hello, everyone.

And, um, hello, New York city.

I'm sorry I'm late.

But before we eat,

I'd like to make a little toast.

It's, uh, from a diary

From the first thanksgiving in 1621.

"And although it be not always so plentiful

"As it was at this time with us,

"Yet by the goodness of god

"We are so far from want

"That we often wish you

Partakers of our plenty."

You couldn't have written something yourself?

Ha ha ha ha.

Happy thanksgiving, dad.

Randall.

Happy thanksgiving, sir.

Mike.

You know, after a hearty meal,

I like to unwind with

A snifter of cognac

From mel's fine liquors

In midtown.

And remember his promise,

If mel's lyin', he's buyin'.

Director: ok, and credits.

Stuart kissed me.

And you liked it. No!

(Everyone arguing)

Now, that's a thanksgiving dinner I can really relate to.

He's got my vote.

Mine, too.

So you think the yankees have any shot at repeating next year?

I don't know. I don't follow baseball.

All right, Stuart. To know if my feelings were real,

We have to re-create the exact same situation.

(Excitedly) oh.

All right, stud, let me see what you got.

(Stuart sighs)

Oh! I like that.

Oh!

But...

But nothing!

If you liked it,

You liked it!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

You...liked it!

man: sit, ubu, sit. good dog.

(barking)

moo.