Original subtitles

Hey, turn on the tube.

The mayor's rally is on from this morning.

she's using wonderful form, and if you notice

that she's doing it in the plie position.

Change it, Stuart.

not only is she working her hips, her buns...

I can't, Mike.

You do it.

Give me that.

but it's not enough to have a far-reaching political agenda!

I'm running for reelection because I love this city!

Watch the master. He's got something for everyone--

A little handshake, a look in the eye.

See that? There you go.

Oh, no. Girl in a beret. No, sir. Oh, no.

No.

Here we go--the baby. Come on, sir, see the baby.

Scoop up the baby. It's a routine play.

Scoop up the baby, step on the bag.

Yes! (All cheering)

See that? This guy is good. He does not slip up.

Take care of this, Mike.

Well, at least he didn't bring back the girl with the beret.

Ok, next. Negotiation with the city's road crews. They want better benefits.

Apparently it's not enough they get to wear those cool orange vests.

(All cooing)

Yo! Boss made a funny.

Hi. Hi, sweetheart.

Isn't he cute?

Yeah. I wonder what he's thinking right now.

He's wondering why the big guy is eating his strained peas.

I'm... Checking the temperature.

What a time, huh?

Lying around in a diaper sleeping 18 hours a day,

And every once in a while, someone puts a breast in your mouth.

You remember being a baby?

I was talking about college.

Hey, any information on the kid's mother?

Yeah, she's not a very good one.

The cops say she just abandoned it.

Janelle, did you call social services?

I will. No rush.

Oh, great. Can we get someone who doesn't have a biological clock on this, please?

Oh, I'll take him.

Oh, great. Big ben.

Social services can't pick up the kid till tomorrow. I need a baby-sitter.

I'll do it. Great. Oh, you might as well take my tie.

He's been using it as a burping rag.

You want me to take that to the dry cleaners for you?

Well, that depends, Paulie.

Are you really gonna take it to the dry cleaners,

Or you gonna have claudia clean it and then give me a fake invoice?

Never mind.

I thought we were going dancing tonight.

We can bring the baby.

Oh, that'd be great!

We could take turns posing as a needy single mother,

'Cause guys really love that.

I-i wanted to help out Mike, ok?

This crush on Mike is getting out of control.

Would you please keep it down? Not everybody knows how I feel.

Mike was just here, huh?

How'd you know that?

Your brights are on.

Nikki, everybody knows.

Look, look, I love Mike.

When it comes to relationships, he doesn't have the best track record.

I just don't want you to be another notch in his belt.

Especially when there's so much room left... On this one.

Listen, I'm sure if I talk to some of Mike's old girlfriends,

They would have great things to say about him.

Mike...

Mike... What to say... What's to say about Mike?

Um... Well...

Yeah. Yeah, Mike and I lived together for, like, 6 months.

I have to admit, I do kind of miss it.

I mean, not Mike, you know, the apartment.

It was the most unbelievable apartment--

The hardwood floors, closets in New York, which...

I mean the view, it was-- ah, I could just go on about that place.

A lot of guys run when they hear the word "commitment".

Mike can't even make it to "co--".

He's a good kisser, though. Not as good as he thinks he is,

But really good.

(Speaking german)

Well, the road crews are standing firm, sir.

They are threatening a strike unless we meet their list of demands.

Mike, why do we need human road crews, anyway?

And here we go.

When I was growing up, there was this golden retriever.

He used to run around town filling in holes.

All he wanted was a scratch on the tummy.

I tried that with the road crews, sir, but all I got was one of these...

Well, play hardball, Mike.

You got it, sir.

Oh, uh, by the way, I'm thinking of seeing a psychiatrist.

You don't say.

I have, uh... Issues, Mike.

Well, sir, isn't there another...

Healthy way to deal with your problems?

Have you considered overeating?

It's-it's just that sexually, uh...

Is this gonna make me uncomfortable?

No, no, no, no. Don't be silly. Now...

As you recall... The last time I had sexual intercourse

Was with your mother.

Actually, sir, that-- that had slipped my mind.

Really? 'Cause you would think something like... That's sarcasm, sir.

Oh, of course. Well, listen. Um...

Anyway, last weekend...

I ran into sara briggs, my old high school flame.

We went out, Mike.

Dinner, dancing, then back to her hotel room.

But when the moment came, um,

I--i--i couldn't, uh...

Ah, hell. I need to talk to a professional.

Sir, yo--you're-- you're a public official.

Couldn't you just, you know, tell me what happened?

Well, you know the guy that comes around

In the ice cream truck?

Yeah, sure, mr. Soft...

I'll set something up.

Hey, Nikki, what are you doing?

I think he said his first word. He said "da".

He said "da"?

He said the russian word for "yes"?

He was trying to say "dada". I think he was asking for you.

Get outta-- get outta here.

Hey, how ya doing? How ya doing?

Say it again.

Say it again. No rush, no pressure.

Say it now!

He'll--he'll say it again eventually. Here.

Well, look. I'll-- I'll warm up his bottle.

Can you hang out for a while?

Um... Yeah, yeah, I guess so.

(Whispers) yes!

Cool. This'll be fun.

I bet you never even changed a diaper.

Are you kidding me? I had single working mom.

Changed my own diaper.

Here we go.

Oh, there's no way that's ready.

I nuked it. I know what I'm doing.

Ah? Ah?

Ah! (Crying)

Oh, oh, ooh! All right, hey, hey.

It's ok, it's ok. It's ok.

It's just a second-degree burn.

I'll give you your milk as soon as it stops... Bubbling.

All right?

All right. Shh. Let me give you a little fatherly advice, ok?

In life...

It's good to be a doctor.

Unless, of course, you're playing doctor,

Then it's good to be the patient.

(Cooing voice) yes, it is. It's good to be the patient.

(Groans) I was, uh, m--married for 22 years.

I raised a child, meg. Hmm.

She's in college now.

And yet I don't feel like I've ever really been...

Intimate with a woman.

It's all very interesting, sir,

But I'm not really sure why you're telling me this.

I was married for 22 years.

I raised a child, meg.

She's in college now.

And yet... I don't feel I've ever...

Really been intimate with a woman.

Should I lay down?

(Playing blues)

♪ I'm in my crib ♪

♪ I'm wearing my bib ♪

♪ My baby's orange ♪

♪ I can't rhyme "orange" ♪

Shh. He's finally asleep.

Yeah, I hope so. I sang 84 consecutive verses of the baby blues.

You know what's amazing?

How much food goes in and out of something so small.

It's like a human clown car.

We should go clean up. Yeah, yeah.

Hey, wait, wait, wait. Nikki, Nikki... Nikki.

You mind just standing here and staring at him with me for a while?

Yeah, I'm up for that.

It's weird, 'cause i--i--i don't wanna turn away, 'cause...

I'm afraid I might miss something.

You are so adorable.

Yes, you are.

He's out like a light. Yup.

I mean, you could fall on the floor screaming,

Moaning, calling out my name--he'd never wake up.

Mike... Mike--Mike and relationships. Uh...

Wow. Um...

Mike and I in a serious, committed relationship?

No. No, you gotta be kidding.

It wouldn't happen.

Hey. Sorry. I would've been here earlier,

But I ran out of diapers.

Didn't think I'd need more than a 40-pack.

Tell you what, though. In a pinch?

Coffee filter with the leg holes cut out.

So, uh, what's gonna happen to the little guy?

He'll probably bounce around the system

Until we can find an adequate habitational situation for him.

That's like a home, right?

I'll take him from you now. Um...

You know what I can't believe is...

I can't believe someone would just leave him.

Yeah, it's sad. Now, give him up.

Carter? Run.

Run where?

Way to go, Carter.

Oh, great plan--run.

Don't worry. He'll be fine.

(Baby cries)

All right, all right. Shh. Shh. It's ok. It's ok.

It's... It's ok. (Crying stops)

All right. There we go.

(Crying resumes)

All right, all right. Shh. (Crying stops)

(Crying resumes) all right.

(Crying stops)

I'm adopting this kid.

Mike, you can't adopt a baby. You don't even know what they eat.

Sure, I do. Soft food...

Like chili.

Oh!

Sign me up for chili night.

I have what it takes to be an excellent father.

I don't think a winning smile and manageable hair count.

Towel-dried...

Right out of the shower.

Still, that doesn't...

You're kidding.

I have an idea. Let's play the $20,000 pyramid.

A fern. A cat.

Sea monkeys. Your neighbor's parrot.

Ding ding ding ding. Things that have died in my apartment.

Look, you guys, y--you...

You don't get it.

All right, may--maybe this is ridiculous.

Maybe i... Never thought about having a kid until today.

You know, but, uh...

Things happen. Things happen when you least expect them.

Somebody... Didn't want this little guy...

And I do.

Ok, Mike. (Clears throat) then do it.

I hope you get it.

Me too. They're chick magnets.

There's been a change. I no longer have a crush on Mike.

Well, that's great.

I love him. I must have him.

So... What are you hens yapping about?

Just girl talk.

Ooh, tag me in. I've always wanted to do this.

- I don't know what to do. - You've gotta do something.

You see? It's this kind of banter

That got me hooked on the view.

Mike. Well...

Hmm.

Hmm.

Don't--don't quite know where to start.

I--i did want him to father my child.

But, I mean, I wouldn't--

I wouldn't, like, date him or something,

You know, like... Boyfriend and girlfriend thing

Or anything like that. Oh, god.

Oh, no. No.

You know the song cold-hearted snake?

That was about Mike.

Um... Relationship, commitment--

I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know.

I got some talking points here.

I got some things I need you to say.

Mike loves children. Mike is stable. Mike is very patient.

Where the hell is this woman?

(Door opens)

Sorry to keep you waiting.

Mike is very patient.

Check.

So, how does my application look?

It's adequate.

Stop. You're making me blush.

Show her the, uh... Nose thing.

Oh, yeah. Hey, hey, hey.

Got your nose. (Carter laughs)

(Laughter continues)

Ok... Just putting it back now.

So lay it on me, doc.

Ok. Well, I told him about the divorce

And--and how since then, you've had trouble making a...

Love connection.

Right. And--and he thought maybe you should be

Dating women in their twenties.

Excellent.

So, did you ask the doctor about the, uh... Viagra?

At great embarrassment to myself, sir.

Here's the prescription. You should know

That taking this drug exposes you to possible side effects.

You may see things in blue tint.

Blue's my favorite color.

So, what else did we talk about?

The doctor thinks I have an oedipus complex.

He feels I suffer from delusions of grandeur,

And he's accelerated my sessions to 3 times a week.

Apparently, I pose some danger to society.

Ok. It says here you have experience

Working with children. Where was that?

Mike, Stacey stole my snickers from the freezer again.

Be the bigger man, Paul.

Ah-ah! I see you wiping chocolate from your lips!

It's brown lipstick!

I'm a little concerned that the pressures of your job might be a problem.

Single workaholics don't make ideal parents.

Workaholic? Let me share a little secret with you.

I don't do squat around here.

He put the "oaf" in "loaf". Heh.

(Whispering) oh, god.

Mr. Flaherty, I really have just one last question.

Why do you want this baby?

Ok, here's the thing about Mike. He's, um...

He's always looking for that quick fix,

For the relationship that's gonna solve all of his problems.

I wonder who's filling that void now.

Sir? Mm-hmm?

Please don't make me go back to therapy.

His questions are so deep and his stare is so piercing,

And he made me look at these ink blots, and so what? I saw a penis.

It was right there, sir, clear as day. Anyone would have seen it.

Look, James. (Clears throat)

You don't have to go back. (Chuckles)

See, I realized the problem was in me, in my mind.

I had some fear, but i...

I dug down deep, and I conquered it!

That's great, sir. And thank you.

The pleasure's all mine.

I've done your charts.

You are a taurus.

That's the sign of the bull.

Mike is a capricorn.

You two just don't mesh.

Why? What animal is a capricorn?

The--the dingo.

Wait a minute. There's no sign of the dingo.

You don't know anything about astrology, do you?

Hey, I know you shouldn't mess with your boss's dingo.

I--i know this is right for me.

Really?

Yeah. I--i think I can make it work.

Ok. Then you have no choice.

Go tell him.

Hey, Stuart. What sign are you?

Scorpio.

Back in the shed. Oh!

You miss him, don't ya?

Oh, this is beer.

It's a brilliant design, really. It keeps air out.

Less belching, more room for pretzels.

So, Mike...

I came over here 'cause i, uh...

I wanna tell you something.

This is his blankie.

It's still got his drool on it.

He loved to drool.

Yeah, you're right. I miss him.

I know.

I like the idea of settling down, starting a family.

Me too.

I just need to find the right person to do it with. Me too.

I don't think I'm ready though. Me too.

What?

Well, it's... I just-- i... Keep looking for

Other people to fix my problems, and I gotta work on myself.

Sometimes sex helps.

I've been down that road far too often.

Besides, even--even if I met the right person,

I--i'd find a way to screw it up.

I'm sorry. You wanted to tell me something?

Oh...

It can wait.

All right. Um...

You want a brewski?

Still cold.

I guess the reason I wanted to adopt the baby

Was because I was looking for something in my life.

Go on.

I mean, I'm the deputy mayor.

I never even thought I wanted a family.

This contradicts

Everything you've told me so far.

(Whispers) I know.

man: sit, ubu, sit. good dog.

(barking)

moo.