Original subtitles

Look, um...

Just because we've been on a couple of dates

Doesn't mean there's any pressure, all right?

We don't have to rush this.

(Speaking german)

See, now, that is german precision right there.

Are you o.k.?

Yeah. Um, just, um... Give me one minute.

O.k., You can do this.

I mean, so what if she's the, uh...

sports illustrated swimsuit edition cover girl?

It's not like walking on the moon.

Mike?

(Dramatic music) (breather hissing)

Over headset: one small step for man...

one giant...

oh, dear god, thank you.

the eagle has landed.

space is cool.

That was amazing.

Yeah.

What?

Just having a nice thought.

(Piano playing)

You know, mushy stuff. What are you thinking about?

(Exhales)

All laughing, cheering: yeah! Yeah!

Yee-hah! (Cackles)

Whoa!

Oh, it's just too mushy for words.

Oh, I'm so relaxed.

Listen, don't get mad if I just kinda drift off, o.k.?

(Yodeling) ♪ eee ah hoo doo eee-ah-la hoo doo ♪

♪ Eee-ah-la-la hoo doo yah dah hoo doo ♪

♪ Eee ah hoo doo eee-ah-la hoo doo ♪

♪ Eee-ah-la-la hoo doo yah ho! ♪

O.k., I'm up.

I like to yodel after sex.

Oh, really? Me, I prefer the wave. Whoo!

Whooooooo! It's coming back.

Whoooooo! Whooo!

Mike? Uh-huh?

I have a favor to ask you.

I want tonight... To be our secret.

We might have a problem there, because I think

Everyone within a 3-block radius heard the screaming.

"Go, Mike! Mike, you can do it! You're an animal, Mike!"

But that was you.

I know, I was just so... So proud.

Listen... I like you.

And relationships are hard enough to get started

Without the press getting involved.

I want this to be ours. Please?

Uh...

Yeah, s-sure.

No problem.

By the way, you're the greatest lover I've ever had.

Whatever.

So, uh, Mike, how'd it go with Heidi this weekend?

Heidi and I are just...

Friends. I knew it.

Not a surprise. That's nice. She's like a sister.

Yes, like the sister I always wanted.

Really, really wanted.

Mike, there's no a/c in our offices.

I can't stop sweating.

Yeah. And what about me?

How am I supposed to wear this shirt tomorrow?

Boys, deal with it, all right?

Let me guess. He struck out with Heidi.

- Oh, swing and a miss. - Gave him the heisman.

All right, that's it. Out, out. Everybody out.

Everybody out. Listen, stacey, send in that vietnamese delegation.

Is it my imagination, or do you have a little crush on Mike?

Oh, please. That is absurd.

They're just friends! (Giggling)

Nope! Still gay.

So the, uh, translator should be here any minute.

And we'll discuss the opening of the new cultural center.

See, we feel it's important to build bridges between--

You don't understand a word I'm saying, do you?

I'm sleeping with supermodel Heidi klum.

I made her yodel.

Somebody got a care package from home.

Ooh, I hope it's those oatmeal cookies.

"Dear james, your aunt sarah passed on last week.

Since you were her favorite, we thought you should have her remains.

Love, mom and dad."

I can't believe aunt sarah's gone.

Wow, she was a cow.

Stuart, very nice.

I'm serious. She was an actual cow.

What--what's so funny?

Honey, your parents took a dead cow and set it on fire.

I mean, that's not a cremation. That's a barbecue.

You know, I was the only one she let milk her.

I had an aunt like that.

Just friends. Wow.

I am so proud of you two.

You know, it is so refreshing

To see two attractive, single people

Just decide to remain platonic.

Oh, and by the way, Heidi? I know the perfect guy for you.

He's really cute-- oh, Nikki...

Can I have one of those shrimp dumplings?

But, Mike, those are chicken.

Yeah. She's not allergic to chicken.

Good. Because I wanna talk about last night.

Oh, uh... M-me, too.

Um...

What, uh... (Clears throat)

What about last night?

Heidi over intercom: Mike, I feel so safe...

because we're such good friends.

Yeah, but, uh, uh... What else?

Well...

Last night... Was the sexual high point of my life.

It was... As if I was being made love to

Not by one man, but by a pack of wild lions.

I can't wait until tonight.

But the friendship...

...is all that matters.

Yeah, well, uh...

Friendship is... All that matters to me, too.

The truth is... You have ruined me for any other man.

(Exhales)

Loser!

Yeah, Carter, what is it?

I'm assuming since you're back, you have fans for us.

Oh, right. One sec.

Here ya go. Cool breezes. Wha-- wait, Paul!

What the hell is that?

That's one big honkin' fan.

I got it down at the brooklyn shipyard.

Used to cool the turbines on the q.e. Ii.

Paul, I gave you $150.

Right. And with my 30, it just about covered both.

Look! This is state-of-the-art burmese technology!

And look, it's got 3 settings--

"Whisper, draft and off."

That's interesting, Paul. You know, I have 3 settings--

Sweaty, angry and whoop ass.

The vietnamese american has a special place in our fair city.

And the opening of the vietnamese cultural center

This friday...

Mike, uh, can you confirm reports that you're sleeping with Heidi klum?

I... Probably shouldn't answer that question without Heidi.

(Footsteps)

I can, in fact, confirm

That the deputy mayor and I are having sex.

How do you think you did?

Well, again, you know, I have to defer to Heidi.

Like a bull moose in heat.

Which, to clarify, is, uh...

Is bigger than your average moose.

Do you know the answer, Mike?

Mike? Mike, are you sleeping?

Y-y-yes. I'm sleeping with Heidi klum.

Mike: enough already.

Mike, uh, they didn't ask if you were sleeping with Heidi klum.

Oh, good. Then we don't have a problem.

Mike, are you a couple? Is marriage a possibility?

Reporter: what's the nature of your relationship?

(Reporters shouting questions)

I'm telling you, if you look close, you can see a hoof.

Uh-uh. No.

I can't see a thing.

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Hey, james.

Were you fooling with aunt sarah?

No! And I bitterly resent the accusation!

You see this?

There is no crosswind here.

You know what? You need to quit whining and just turn it up.

So, this is all a big joke to you?

(Humming, whooshing)

Whoa!

My aunt sarah was part of my family, o.k.?

I'm gonna put this someplace safe.

Jerks.

O.k. Oh!

Go on without me!

I'm not leaving you behind!

You don't have a choice!

Whatever may occur, I will find you!

(Grunting)

(Humming, whooshing stop)

I turned it off.

Wow, Mike, I can't believe your relationship is over.

It's not over.

It's just changed, that's all.

Used to be girlfriend/boyfriend,

Now it's magazine cover girl/magazine subscriber.

How many cigars equal a dead cow, anyway?

12.

Anybody here think that I have a shot in hell

Of getting Heidi back?

Hey, it isn't that big a deal.

But second chances aren't given, Mike.

You have to go out there and take her back. Be crazy.

Send her a thousand roses crazy, or crazy like...

Break into her apartment dressed as a clown

Dragging my trousers behind me on a leash?

Believe me, the clown thing never works.

Well, shame on all of you, starting a cigar club

And not inviting el presidente.

Here you go, sir.

Oh, no, no, no. Please, don't get up.

Well, somebody get up.

So before I go into my next meeting,

I need to know some key phrases in vietnamese

For my brunch tomorrow. "Thank you for your hospitality."

"You are vital members of our community."

Oh, and so we don't repeat the mexican consulate luncheon incident,

I also need to know how to say "I'm lactose-intolerant."

By the way, Paul, you owe me 150 bucks for that fan.

Ya got a receipt?

Paul, it was my money.

Eh, you make a bad investment, it doesn't pay off. Nobody held a gun to your head.

What the hell are you doing?

The mayor keeps sour balls in here. They're for anybody.

Well, I'm off to win Heidi back.

Wish me luck.

I enjoyed our little cigar society this afternoon.

Oh, hey, james! Watch this!

♪ Bugga-bugga-bugga bugga-bugga-bum ♪

Well... Good night, all!

Good night, sir. Good night.

Ah... (Chuckles) these things are gonna kill me.

Mike, is this all cigar ash?

Look, james, uh...

It-it was an accident, o.k.?

Nobody meant any harm.

And look at it this way. Even though...

Aunt sarah may no longer be in this urn,

She-she's still with us.

Well spoken, Mike.

James. James, wait. Uh...

Listen, what do you say we have a little, uh... Memorial for aunt sarah?

Uh, you know, tonight. We'll all be there.

Th-that would mean a lot to me.

And to aunt sarah.

She was a real people cow.

O.k., Then. Well, uh, everybody, tonight.

9:00, Right here.

Dress appropriately.

N-no-no leather.

Psst, Heidi! Heidi!

Mike, I'm working.

I... I'm gonna need copies of those. Thanks.

What are you doing here?

I screwed up, o.k.? I goofed. But that's no reason to end the relationship now.

I'm gonna take you back.

Mike, you're crazy!

Yeah, and I'm not putting you down all night.

We'll hit the town, we'll have dinner, we'll dance.

What do ya say? Giddyap!

All right.

But Mike, I need my dress. Oh. I'll buy you a new one.

But it's a $1,000 dress! All right.

What can you say about aunt sarah?

I don't think we should talk until Mike gets here.

Hey, look! Mike's on tv!

I think it's a movie premiere!

Well, that's just beautiful.

James, don't worry. It was probably done last night.

No, no, no, it's live! Says there in big letters-- live!

I'm sorry. I--i better change the channel.

Well, that's just bad luck.

That was great. Every guy at that party was jealous of me.

I mean, i-i was jealous of me...

And I'm me!

Next stop, my high school reunion.

All right. That's it.

Wait, wait. W-where you going?

Mike, you didn't tell everyone about us

Because you couldn't hide it.

You told because you wanted the world to know.

No, not the world. Just the tri-state area.

Heidi, I'm joking. I'm crazy about you.

Why? You don't know anything about me.

Well, that's just not true.

What are my parents' names?

Klum.

Herr and frau klum.

I'm not just a model. I paint. I write.

I make a delicious sauerkraut soup.

You know what? You're right.

Oh, my god, you're right.

I have totally been objectifying you.

I mean, you know... I haven't thought about--

About how you feel about things or what you have to say.

Mike, i-- just let me-- let me finish.

I mean, I mean...

Look at you. You--

You're smart, you're funny.

You're the catch of the year.

There's only one thing wrong.

You're about to dump me, aren't ya?

Good-bye, Mike.

(Door closes)

Anna and gunther! Anna and gunther!

Your parents' names are anna and gunther.

Thanks for the memorial, Mike.

James-- no, no, no. I was really moved

By the way you were totally there for me.

Look, james, I had a tough night.

Yeah, me, too.

I never really knew her, you know?

I wanted to. I-i just... I never got the chance.

She was great.

Yes, she was. She was. And she was so...

I know. (Whispers) I know.

Beautiful. Just...

You know, y-you never really realize

How special someone is u-until they're gone.

I can still picture those big, beautiful brown eyes.

(Strained voice) yeah.

I'm gonna miss her charm. I'm gonna miss her warmth.

Of course, the, uh...

Sex.

Well, I wouldn't know about that.

There are stories about my cousin timmy.

James, I'm-- I'm talking about Heidi.

Heidi. She dumped me tonight.

I can't believe you, Mike.

After everything that's happened, you're thinking about yourself?

You walk around here like you're the only one who has problems,

Like you're the only one who's alone.

I mean, look at me, Mike.

I'm--i'm 26, I'm single...

And I'm holding the ashes of a dead cow.

James...

Tell me about aunt sarah.

You don't want to know.

I do. I-i really do. Come on. Come on.

Come on, buddy. Brag on her a little, all right?

Well, she was the funniest damn cow you'll ever meet.

I'm sure she got some of that from you.

Stop it.

Oh, and what an appetite!

Well, hey, she had 4 stomachs.

You know, this could... This could take a while.

What say we, uh... What say we do this over a couple of burgers?

(Tearfully) she would have liked that.

Paul: I hope he's got some wild cherry left.

Come on, baby.

Daddy needs a sour ball!

Surprise!

Stop stealing my candy.

Judas.

man: sit, ubu, sit. good dog.

(barking)

moo.