Original subtitles

Captain's log.

Stardate 6969 .9.

Our current course has taken us to the planet Uranus in search of intelligent

life. Willing to work at minimum wage.

It won't be easy.

Standard orbit around Uranus, Captain.

Hold your distance, Mr. Screw -You.

We wouldn't want to be sucked into its gap.

That's it.

Sense of reading, Mr. Sperm.

How bad is it down there?

The atmosphere appears to be breathable.

However, there's a very, very high methane gas content.

Meaning?

Meaning we got one smelly fucking planet down there, Jack. I'm talking about

smelly with a capital P -E -N -G.

It causes gaseous clouds and sperm.

Bees, Captain.

It appears that the population base of the planet profuses you.

The whole shitload of people and the whole shitload of bees.

Hey, you're in a good habit.

No, Captain, not since I've been using equal shampoo with... The planet, Mr.

Spurring. Mr. Spurring.

The planet. Oh.

Yes.

I do get some life readings.

Rumor has it that the inhabitants of the planet are asshole people.

And if my memory serves me correctly, asshole people have changed their

appearance.

By you.

Not Derek.

Then how will we recognize them, Captain?

By the breath.

Screw you.

Open hailing frequencies, Lieutenant, you whore.

Hail in, Frank, as we've opened, Captain Sugar.

Notify ship's doors to outfit our landing party.

We're going to penetrate.

Say what?

The planet, Lieutenant.

What's occurring to the planet?

It's pretty warm down there, Lieutenant.

I think you'd best get you with appropriate attire.

Mm -hmm, mm -hmm, mm -hmm. Uh?

Uh. Mm.

Yeoman, your counselors are fine. Now I'd like to examine the rest of you.

Doctor. Should I address now? Of course. Your mouth isn't the only orifice I

plan on examining.

On the last trip I served on, the doctors only examined the women every

months. You do it daily.

Damn it, Yeoman. I'm a doctor, not a calendar.

Well, then I guess we're pretty lucky to have a doctor that keeps such close eye

on us.

Yeah, yeah. I like keeping my patients in the pink.

Hmm. Well, perhaps if I use a warmer probe.

Is this the part where we test my elasticity, Doctor?

Not yet.

Oh, doctor.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

The heart of Rome.

Is this where you tell me I left it? Yes.

Oh yeah.

When you die. Amen.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Damn.

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

No, no.

Oh yeah, oh yeah.

I used to be a lonely country doctor, just me and a sheep.

And then one day, a voice in my head said, Bah!

Bah!

Barnard McJoy, you belong in outer space, with women in tight uniform.

Oh,

here I am.

Wow, Dr. McJoy, that's a very interesting story.

If you've been in outer space as long as I have, you'll have some stories like

this too.

But always remember one thing.

They can't hear you come in outer space.

Understood. Sir, will his clothing protect us from the warm environment?

Unknown, Captain.

However, if we are going to die, we will at least die comfortably.

This is crazy, Jim.

You expect a beam is found on a possible hostile planet armed with a beach ball

and a radio?

We must appear.

Do be friendly, brother.

Friendly? We look like we just stepped out of an American Express ad.

We don't even know if they take American Express, Captain.

Gentlemen.

And these frogs, too.

Don't make me remind you of the mission of our vessel. Oh, please don't.

Aw, man. We've heard that jogger speak a million times.

We come in the name of progress to build factories, ruins, other planets besides

our own.

Damn it, Jim. We know that.

You also know.

That we come to exploit the people.

Rape.

Pillage.

Foliate. All in one.

Strip mine the land.

Most importantly, to exploit millions of tons of mice and jacks and t -shirts

and frisbees.

Centuries have come.

Deferred.

Please give me the screws. The proper cord.

The teleporter.

Thank you.

Area code, Mr. Sparm?

Uranus has an unlisted phone number.

However, I have computed some probable numbers, which will... Uh

-huh. In other words, you took a motherfucking guess.

Last time you did this shit, my ass came out wider than Michael Jackson.

Mr. Sperm, I really wish you'd get your shit together.

Uh, Mr. Screw You, you might try the number, uh, area code 818 -555

-6969.

That's it, Mr. Sperm. It's ringing.

Everyone, that's a ring.

blazes. Captain, where are we?

Relax, everyone.

It's probably only a teleporter malfunction.

Yes, a bad connection, perhaps.

Dammit, Jen.

This sort of thing never happened before the breakup of AT &T.

You have reached the planet of Uranus. No one is in now to take your call.

Please leave a message at the tone.

answering machine.

Come on, go bend over and kiss your ass goodbye.

We're in the blackest void known to mankind.

Do something, Captain.

This is Captain Quirk of the Starship Plunderer.

We come in peace looking for a piece of action and an occasional piece

of tale.

If you can hear me, please understand that we only come in.

Peace.

We have probed your vessel. You are primitive, overly aggressive creatures

a history of violence and premature ejaculation.

Yet, but we're hung like worth.

What have you done

with my

crew?

They're where you left them, Captain.

It is you who have been relocated. We wish to examine more closely the leader

men who are hung like horses.

Show yourself.

Come out.

Who are you?

What is your process?

Hubba hubba, ding dong.

Where have you been all my life, Judy Cates?

Here in this black void for three million millenniums.

Awaiting your arrival, Earthman.

But how did you know I would come?

All things are written in the book.

And this book mentions me?

It said you would come.

Why?

Well, that's about right.

It is the book of all things to come.

It's the shooting schedule for this episode.

Final draft.

Well, I'm not going to fuck with my own destiny.

Let's do it. Right here, in this very void.

But before I begin, I must know.

Are you one of those asshole people?

What if I am?

Then I'm your man.

Hmm.

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

We really ought to brush.

What about the rest of my crew?

They are where you left them, Captain.

In the Black Floyd.

Go to them.

Your fate lies in the planet below.

Jim, you're back.

And you have a wet spot on your trousers.

Did you figure out where we are, Captain?

Must be Uranus.

Smell that wind.

Honey,

that is one badass smell.

Reminds me of a trip I once took to Pocoima.

Seaman Bob, you're the environmental expert.

Step forward, take a deep breath, and tell us what do you make of it?

Do I have to, Captain?

Are you disobeying a direct order, Seaman?

No, sir. It just seems that every time you take a nondescript crew member down

on a landing party, he doesn't return.

Seaman, the rest of us have five -year contracts.

Too bad he doesn't have a Russian accent, Jim. We could add him to the

You're all wasting time.

We only have moments before the next sex scene.

Seaman, Bob, do as I say.

Aye, aye, sir.

He's dead, Jim.

But what killed him?

I'm a doctor, damn it! Not a coroner!

Speculate, Boner.

Please.

Offhand, I'd have to say it's the atmosphere of this godforsaken stinkpot

planet.

Then what killed him could conceivably kill us as well.

In time?

If we don't find a way out of here?

Lieutenant, you whore.

You were charged with outfitting this landing party.

And while these clothes are quite trendy and quite comfortable, they seem to be

lacking in protection.

Oh, fine.

Blame me. Expect me to remember every damn thing.

Doctor.

He spoke.

How can that be?

Boner, you said he was dead.

That's my diagnosis, Jim.

But I don't feel dead.

It's the sperm.

Offhand, I would say mass hallucinative hysteria, Captain.

That's right.

Bob's death is a fine indication we'll all be biting the big weenie pretty

And needlessly to say, none of us want that shit to go down. So we all imagine

the dude's still alive.

But what about me?

Shut up! If I say you're dead, you're dead!

Of course, Captain, there is another possibility.

Each time we beam down to a new planet, Dr.

McJoy... pronounces another nondescript crew member dead, and we bury them.

So... So, uh, maybe Dr.

McJoy is a quack, and we've been burying good men.

Why, you semen -blooded, backstabbing, subhuman, bullshitting son of a bitch!

May I assume that that subhuman remark is in reference to my father from the

planet horny? No, it's to your mother who's from the city of Los Angeles.

So you are saying people from Los Angeles are subhuman?

Well, if the spray can fits, hold it.

Dr. McJoy, you medical malpractice black hole, you.

You're quite close to being nerve -pinched to within 122 meters of your

Gentlemen, please!

We have other problems at the moment.

We'll assume the doctor's diagnosis is correct and we'll bury Seaman Bob.

But Captain... Shut up, damn it! I told you you were dead. Now get it through

your head. You're dead.

After the funeral, we'll search for signs of life.

And just in case the doctor's right, I suggest you all take small breaths.

Except you, sperm.

SS Plunder to Captain Quirk.

What is it, Mr. Screw You?

A Dingon battleship has assumed orbit around the planet.

Have they detected your presence?

I don't think so, sir.

We're keeping the planet between us and the Dingon vessel, but my sensors tell

me they've teleported someone down to the surface of the planet.

We have problems of our own down here, Mr. Screw You.

Better teleport us up.

I'd like to, sir, but you have to locate the planetary receiver before I can. It

seems someone has hung it up.

Understood. Quark out.

Tricorder readings, everyone.

We've got to find that telephone receiver.

We find the receiver, and my guess is we also find the D -9.

Has anyone ever told you that the women of your planet are very beautiful, but

in the whole?

No, Commander. We do not have men on our planet. Only sex are women.

Then lucky for you, we came along when we did.

I have a hundred D -9 warriors on my ship.

And Dingons never leave their women wanting more.

Feelings matter, but our leader has yet to decide.

But in the meantime, I have been instructed to please you.

Then please me, you shall.

Oh, he's straight now.

oh yeah good

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Bye.

Thank you.

Pleasure.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Your pleasure is my pleasure.

I have not thought this through.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

Yes. Oh, yes.

Yes.

Yes! Yes!

Prepare yourself, Sodoma. The Earth people are coming.

They are, are they?

Well, if you ladies excuse me, I have to dress for the occasion.

Does the ding -on please you, Sodoma?

Yes. And did the Earth man please you yet?

Very much.

This will be a very difficult decision.

It appears to be, from the outside, a normal cave.

But from the inside, it resembles a... Welcome, Captain Burke.

Don't be fooled, anyone.

She may look inviting, but she's an asshole person.

How can you be so sure, Captain?

Aftertaste. Well, now that we know who I am, why don't you tell me who you

really are and what you really want?

We have come to make your planet a non -union sweatshop.

And if you indeed are the leader of your people, we are prepared to offer 10%.

Unlike your political leaders, I am immune to corruption.

Your 10 % means nothing to me.

Make it 20.

You got a deal, big fella?

No!

You mustn't deal with the Earthman.

Who's the Dingon, Jim?

Not just any Dingon, Boner.

It's my old nemesis, Korab.

That's right, Quark.

We meet again.

As long as there are planets to be swallowed up in our galaxy, Korab, you

will know no peace.

The Dingons offer you nothing but military domination.

They take what they want and give nothing in return.

I could make you dictator of this smelly, low -rent planet mithole.

You'd have power beyond your wildest imagination.

I must consider these two offers very carefully.

I would ask, Korap, that you wait in quarters that have been prepared for

Captain, you and your crew may wait here.

What do we do in the meantime?

We wait it out, Boomer.

At least the accommodations are tolerable.

You know, this room reminds me of the place that I first did it.

What are you talking about, Jim?

I don't see no motel room.

I see the exact reproduction of the backseat of my old Buick.

It's the first place I ever got my nut.

No, Doctor.

It looks just like the sickbay on The Plunderer.

Interesting.

These asshole people are a factor of illusion.

What do you see, Mr. Perlman?

A toilet with a Playboy magazine propped in front of it.

Tell me, Sperm.

Your people, the Hornikins, they mate once every 15 years?

Doctor, I'm only half horny.

Hornigan males only climax once every 15 years.

Myself, it's once every seven and a half years, actually.

But when I do, look out.

How do you know when it's time?

My ears stand straight up and get quite hard.

Dr. McJoy, something must be going on. The women are acting very odd.

Ladies. Please, we have no time for this now.

You will stand at attention when I am speaking to you.

It's no use, Captain. I seem to be caught in some form of hypnotic

I'm losing control of my crew.

My ship could be in jeopardy from the D -9 battlecruiser, and I can't return.

And my female crew is acting.

I'm losing my command. I'm losing my command.

Captain, Jim, get hold of yourself.

There is still one way out of this.

You mean... Yep.

The horny mind well.

If I can locate the Atholian women...

I can weld my mind to theirs through an intercursal lock.

Once I do that, our women will be released from their field of illusion.

Do it, Mr. Byrne. But be quick.

We have no time. This video, it's almost over.

Well, Jim, what are we supposed to do in the meantime?

Play doctor?

No, Bonner.

The mass hallucination that they are experiencing.

Me.

Very well be contagious.

We can watch, but we cannot touch.

All right.

I didn't know you liked my position.

Amen.

Oh, you are.

Oh. Oh, you're like the truth.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, girl.

Girl, feel that beauty.

Thanks, girlfriend.

Mother's crapper.

Look, it's one of the Earthers.

Let's see if his dick is any good.

Don't waste your time with him, honey. He's half horny.

They have no need for babes like us.

Isn't he half human?

I bet we can make his ear as hard as nails in just a few minutes.

I guess it wouldn't hurt to try.

So let's try.

What do you think of that?

It's pretty.

Oh, no.

I think it's fine.

We've done it.

What, Kevin?

Pretty festive, I would say.

Very. Uh -huh.

What about mine?

Here we go.

Oh yeah.

Oh.

Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh,

yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh,

yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, baby.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

oh yeah oh yeah oh

yeah oh yeah oh yeah

oh yeah

That is

so hot! Jesus!

Oh, God.

Now I've got to wait another seven and a half years.

Boy,

all the rooms in this place look like the backseat of my Buick.

To me, they look like a cheap motel.

Jim, a telephone!

Bonner, you're right.

If we can just hit the receiver, we'll be able to teleport back to the ship.

Get it! No, you mustn't go.

It nearly hasn't reached our decision yet.

Captain, get it, or I'll be in trouble.

Lieutenant, you whore.

Steven, go ahead. It's up to you.

I won't let you do it. This planet is mine. Do you hear me? Mine!

The receiver.

Dammit, Jim.

I'm a doctor, not a telephone operator.

What about sperm?

Oh, yeah.

Good.

Holy cow, look who's coming, Blue.

I can't get rid of him.

Captain, it's up to you.

They're gone.

Guess that just leaves me and a planet full of beautiful babes.

Correction, a planet full of asshole people.

No problem, toots.

My people are originally from Earth, where 20 % of the population had

hemorrhoids, and the other 80 % were perfect assholes.

So I'm used to it.

Then you should see what you're really getting yourself into.

Sodoma, I think it's time we end this illusion and show him what he's really

getting himself into.

Oh, wow, you look as bad as a ding -on woman.

I just remembered I have a meeting back at the ship and must go there now.

So, the babes with the bad breath decided to go with the good guys.

I'm continually amazed at how you humans can manage to pull your fat out of the

fire at the very last minute.

I guess 20 % off the top is pretty tempting.

Although it helps that our main competition eliminated themselves.

It's firm. I understand that... ...corrupt flew out of Uranus at

Well... I do tend to get the runs when I visit a new planet, of course.

The planet, the planet.

Oh.

I gotta admit that... The place stunk.

But the women were beautiful.

I wouldn't mind visiting Uranus again.

The planet, of course.

Yes, I wouldn't mind visiting myself in another seven and a half years.

Thank

you.