Original subtitles

Captain's log.

Production date, June 20th. The intercourse has encountered an earthship

the past. From a tasteless age of violence, lust, and greed.

And the number one rated TV show is Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. A dark,

dismal time.

The year, 2006.

Affirm. Report.

Coming up on slow -moving unidentified vessel, Captain.

Sensors confirm that it is of ancient design, with metals tracing from Earth

the early 21st century.

Are you mad, Sperm? Man hadn't penetrated deep into space at that time.

The boat is right, Sperm.

The only thing the man penetrated back then was porn star Bridget Kirchhoff's

ass.

Vessel within visual range, Captain.

Hail that ship, Lieutenant Leorio.

Hail frequencies open, Captain.

Reading for lightbulbs, Captain.

Human, although their heart rate and breathing are already slow.

Human.

Slow heart rate's a boner.

I can't explain it.

I'm a doctor, Tim, not the author of this crap.

You want answers?

I want answers. You want answers?

I want the truth! You can't handle the truth!

Just check with the idiot who wrote this mess.

Um, Captain, possibly I can explain this.

You see, so far in this adventure, we have not had a single sex scene.

Perhaps a bit of nudity would increase their pulse rate.

It always works for me, Captain.

That and a bonnie lass sticking her fist up me ass.

Captain, the ship's being pulled into a black hole.

A black hole?

You mean someone's gotten Whoopi Goldberg into space?

Not Whoopi Goldberg, Captain.

But there have been reports of a matter -sucking anomaly in this quadrant.

Look! There she is!

She'll swallow that other ship faster than a $10 English horse swallows semen.

Sperm. Are you sure there's humans on that ship?

Affirmative, Captain.

Captain, my deep, probing senses indicate three of these forms are

Very, very feminine.

Put a tractor beam on that ship, screw you.

Don't let us be pulled into the black hole.

We must save the babes.

tractor beam now, sir!

Police that ship will be sucked into that gaping black hole along with it.

without protection, we won't.

Activate rift latex shield.

Engaging latex shield, sir.

Right. Engage warp engine.

Get us out of here.

Get back on board, Captain.

Another 13 minutes or this will shoot floor.

13 minutes.

Just enough time for a 13.

We're beaming over in the bath.

Screw you.

Commissures.

Burn! Boater! Squad, are you with me?

I'm stepping into deep doo -doo. I want you men stepping into deep doo -doo with

me.

Space.

It's big.

It's dark.

It's spooky.

These are the voyages of the Starship Intercourse.

Her crew's five -minute mission to spread the seed of humanity to any hot

in a spacesuit.

And to boldly come like no man has come before.

Ship is on red alert.

We're four and a half minutes into our adventure and no one's had sex yet.

If things don't change fast, we run the risk of getting bad reviews.

Captain, are you sure you want to chance it? You know what happened last time we

used the transporter?

The crewman Bubbles is right, Captain. That nondescript security man in the red

shirt materialized at the other location with his doodle and Bob's half inside a

wall. I never did trust that contractor, Jim.

Man wasn't meant to have his molecules scrambled up and beamed across space.

Ah, and Megan, that captain's problem. Since I'm the only one here in a red

shirt, might I not remain behind?

Squadie, may I remind you that we are on a mission. A five -year mission.

Be a man and throw some balls.

That's just it, Captain. I do have balls. Big, fat, hairy ones. And I'd

keep them if it's all the same to you.

Let's tuck them in, Mr. Squad.

Energize.

Porn set built in the San Fernando Valley.

Jim, look.

The babes.

Hey, they're babes, all right. Look at as tasty as popsicles. As frozen, too.

These are suspended animation tubes.

Fascinating. Then this would be a sleeper ship.

And these would apparently be human beings from Earth Year 2006.

The sleeper tubes are malfunctioning, Jim.

The odds of you and I getting laid by a woman from the 21st century is rapidly

decreasing.

Stand back.

Good work, Jim.

They're alive.

Where? Who?

What? Are we?

You're three hot babes. Travel 200 years into the future. I'm Captain James T.

Quirk. Starship intercourse.

I get that.

And I'm Katie.

And I'm Malibu.

And I'm Boner, a doctor with a bulge in his pants and a silly grin on his face.

And I be puffed up as much as a bagpipe about to be blown.

And we are so happy that in the 200 years, the future of

human male are even more handsome and strong and virile. Yes, well.

I do work out at the ship's gym every now and then.

Captain, there's another pod to be opened.

Not now. Later.

But it appears to be malfunctioning.

Captain? I said later, sir.

Captain, it would be a shame to lose such a fine specimen.

He may be in possession of some important information, such as the

the G -spots on these females.

What are you standing around for then? Open that pod, open it quick.

My

God.

What's the cause of that man?

I'm afraid he's dead, Jim. How do you know?

You haven't even examined him.

Can you blame me?

Captain, he's moving. Just like that kidney pie I had for breakfast is in me

stomach. Get him out of here.

He's ruining the moment.

I'm afraid he'll ruin the moment there too, Jim.

Boner to intercourt.

Beaming two over. And please, don't cross the beam.

Please, I beg you.

Captain,

may we return to the crisis at hand?

Crisis? What crisis?

The black hole.

I suggest we try to start the vessel's engines.

Possibly the power of the two engines put together of the both vehicles will

allow us to pull free from the black hole.

Good idea. Glad I thought of it.

You and Squatty, go ahead. Get on that right away.

I'll stay behind and watch the babes. But Captain, we need the lassies to show

us to the engine room.

All right.

You don't need all of them for it, though.

I'll stay behind if you comforted, Captain.

As long as that's okay with you.

Take those two with you. I'll take care of her.

We're gonna die.

I don't want to die sexually unfulfilled.

I see your points.

Off with him.

No other woman's been able to do before.

You've made me tired.

Maybe women from your century just weren't sexually charged as women from

I want more sex from you.

Wait a minute.

Sounds like Squatty's got the engine started.

Maybe I'll get a chance for more sex.

On the intercourse.

Captain's log.

Supplemental. The combined efforts of the engines of both ships. We've broken

free from the pull of the black hole. Out of danger. And back on the

intercourse. The women will report to Dr. Joy for examination.

Clear.

What the fuck are you doing?

He's 4 -0, Jim.

He didn't have to fight his 24 -7.

Hey, cut me some.

Black haven't eaten in 200 years, for God's sake.

Another 200 might not hurt.

Hugh, this is how it works. You fly the trip, I crack the joke.

Don't blame us for the bad joke.

Cash marketing script.

Now, who are you, mister?

Well, my name is Harcourt Benton Ball.

Harry Bones?

Yes. Well, Mr. Ball, you've been accused of flying in an unauthorized spaceship.

That'll stay tagged.

How do you play?

Give me a break. We had to leave Earth in a hurry. Didn't even pack my

toothbrush. All my rubber. I'm like a lucky plant boy.

So sue me.

Mr. Balls, I would like to inquire about your women.

Are they your crew members?

No, they're actually more like cargo.

You mean they're for sale?

No, more like leads and an option to buy.

You see, back in 2006, Sadie Morgan...

Rita Foltiano and Malibu were top -jointed talents in the adult film

That's why I got to meet them, because I was a fan.

Well, maybe we could forget about that out -of -state tag thing.

I can see that men in the future have a sense of ethics.

Thank you.

And can we get a tour of your ship and want to see all the advancements you

have made over the years, huh?

Um, Captain, our fleet command regulations do indicate medical exams

passengers and, uh...

Mr. Balls has already had his.

What about the women?

There'll be time for that later, Sperm. No time like the present, Jim.

Rita, you'll be first. Then Malibu, Katie.

You'll be last so you can take that little captain's tour if you desire.

Farewell, Boner. Carry on.

Sperm, take care of things on the bridge.

To Balls, Katie.

To me.

Now, now, ladies.

Let's see what makes you tick.

Hasn't done that since the Silenian she -devils invaded our ships looking for

fresh meat.

Must be dust on the circuitry.

That, you'll ignore it this time.

um

Thank you.

Thank you.

Be careful with your heels.

you

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

And this would be the ridge.

Ah, the nerve center of the entire ship.

How nice.

Look at those colorful buttons there, Katie.

Pretty.

A big ship like this has so many important jobs.

What's your job?

Well, lass, I push all these little buttons, releasing the power from the

engines. Yummy.

A woman on the job.

How empowering.

What do you do?

I'm the communications officer.

All contact that goes on the ship happens right here.

That's dull.

What about these buttons here? The science station should be of no concern

you.

That guy is from Planet Horny, Katie, my love. I read about him when I was in

sickbay. He only likes to have sex once every seven years. I feel so rejected.

I think I might cry.

the sperm.

There'll be no crying on my bridge.

Answer our guest questions.

Oh, good.

Let's just say I wake up in the middle of the night, and I'm hungry and I want

sandwich. Where do I go?

Well, food replicators are located on deck six.

Just ask the computer. It will produce whatever you'd like.

Good. Let's say after having this sandwich, I need to take a nice, healthy

Where do I go? The acupuncturals are located on deck five, directly above the

food replicators.

Well, that's disgusting.

I think I'm going to skip the sandwich. Harry, ask him the other question.

The other question.

Let's just say, for conversation's sake, somebody wanted to seize control of the

ship and suffocate the men in the coldest space. Could that be done from

Actually, that would be done over there at the helm.

Oh, okay.

Would that be this button right over here?

That's actually the warp drive. We get better gas mileage with that.

Oh, I bet you thought of that all by yourself, didn't you?

Well, I am the helmsman. Screw you.

Screw you?

And who might you be?

I am... I am... I am... I am... I am... He's Ensign

Jackoff. The navigator.

Jackoff. I bet you know which button these guys look through with all their

oxygen. Of course.

All the greatest inventions on a ship are of rational design, but the button

want is that one right there, but... That one? I am not allowed to touch it.

inspired. As a matter of fact, I know I don't like this at all.

Is that because this nose will give me the ability to destroy the ship,

No. It's because she's paying more attention to my crew than me.

Yes, maybe the bridge is not the most appropriate place for Harry Balls and

women.

You might be right, Mrs. Farrow.

Katie, Mr. Balls.

I thought my crew would get back to work.

Mrs. Berman, I'll escort you to your quarters.

You will not take them from this bridge, Captain.

Not unless you deprive us of the company of this woman.

Kill the Cossack!

Captain, they seem to be under a spell.

And all their hostility is directed directly at you.

Losing control of my ship, my crew.

Lost control of the intercourse.

Perhaps you should think of the trouble of taking a giant boom and climb inside.

Boom.

Yes. To the moon, Mr. Sparrow.

What are you doing with that?

I'm losing my ship.

I'm losing my crew.

I'm losing the intercourse.

And my ability to act.

Hang on, Captain.

Think logically.

It's just merely an illusion. An illusion brought on by an unknown

A presence that wears enticing perfume and tight -fitting dresses.

And that's just me. Her, too.

Yes, yes, I see that now.

Don't worry, Mr. Sperm. My demons have left me.

But it all seemed so real.

My entire world was spiraling out of control.

I was doomed to a life of misery and profound unhappiness, almost like I was

married.

The captain took her from us, Mr. Squat. Aye, that he did, laddie.

I'm feeling all hot and sweaty.

Yeah, and I'm licking my crave.

Well, I suppose we'll have to get that itch scratched.

Mr. Squat, is this more than I think it does?

Am I going to get to do more in this episode than, say, tail frequencies

Aye, at last.

We'll get to do a whole thing to bootle more.

You go first, laddie.

Mr. Screw you, you'll take sloppy seconds.

Mr. Jackoff, you'll go in for untidy thirds.

But what about you, Mr. Claw?

I'm a Scotman, laddie. I have no problem with eating leftovers.

oh yeah

It's cute.

You know, oral sex invented in Russia.

Good communicator.

Aboleted with scuffing, laddie.

But that is not haggis, my friend.

Amen.

Oh.

See if he's discovered anything examining the other two babes. Something

than their phone numbers and measurements.

Why do we have to stay in... home?

And why do we have to stay in here?

Well... Relax, my lovelies. This is only a temporary predicament.

There is no way...

The crew of this ship, the male members here, would allow Captain Quirk to hide

and flee away for that long period of time.

What if they do?

We'll probably have to stop the energy we take from the man.

We could just take our energy from you, Harry.

You know I would never let that happen to you guys.

I was thinking what you could do to a human male with my own two eyes. I

wouldn't let anything develop between us, sexually speaking.

You sure about that, Harry?

Check, please.

I think if you try as hard as you like, I'm going to try a bit harder not to get

hard. I don't know if you can get it.

I feel good, don't I?

You do it too.

See, I only have too many times because it's easy.

Yeah, I think I'm bored of promoting any stimulation for this year.

I'll show you something I haven't seen before.

Y 'all, I'm Janice Glenn with my name, and it's been lonely out here today.

If something tells me, this is going to be a whole lot less global.

I don't know.

I don't feel fair.

This is politically incorrect.

We can't do this.

I don't do that. What is wrong?

I don't have a problem.

No, just imagine you and I on tape.

Say another world.

This isn't fair. Katie, this isn't fair.

Is it private enough for you? Katie, you're like my sister. This is fucked

Oh, shut up and kiss me.

See?

Oh.

Look.

Oof.

Oh.

Now, when your head clears, you'll realize you're still on the tip.

And you'd better listen to Katie and do everything she says.

And get up some more men, or else you will be very, very, very

tired.

Captain's log, later in the story. Even though confined to their quarters,

Paul's women are somehow continuing to have sex with my crew.

Our production budget can't afford to... Something must be done.

Demon Bob, look at you. You should be ashamed of yourself.

You're 21 years old. What have you been doing to yourself, man?

Have you been smoking?

Have you been eating your greens?

Have you been up all night singing karaoke?

No, I... I've been fucking hairy balls swimming.

And... I'm really tired. I'm just tired.

I'm afraid he's dead, nurse.

No, no, I'm not dead.

I want to grab some coffee.

Yeah, let's go.

Best I can figure it, Jim.

Balls' women are drawing all the energy from all the male members of our crew.

Fascinating. It appears that our crew members are having sex with these women.

Even against your orders, Captain.

But I'm the only man that's supposed to get pussy on this ship.

It's in my contract.

Blast your contract, Jim.

Having sex with all these women would leave you as empty as the keg of beer at

Jimmy Buffet concert.

He's right, Captain. We must keep these crew members from having sex with balls

women. Would you think like a man just once?

We can't wait seven years for a roll in the hay. We're human.

And take those silly glasses off.

But the women aren't human, Captain.

He's right, Jim.

They may look human.

They may feel human, they may swallow cum as good as any girl on Hollywood

Boulevard, but they're something entirely different. And because of them,

aging faster than Joan Rivers between visits to her plastic surgeon.

Boner.

What are they?

I believe they are cocksuckian shapeshifters, Captain.

Sperm.

Cocksuckian shapeshifters have been extinct for thousands of years.

These women came from a sleeper ship, Jim. Harry Balls must have encountered

them after leaving Earth centuries ago.

And another thing, Captain.

I was looking through the database for Harry's from the year 2006 on Earth, and

I found Harry Sinkter, Harry Reams, Harry Crack, and about two main other

Harrys.

But I could find not one Harry at all.

Why don't you try looking between your legs, you pointy disaster waiting to

happen, walking computer malfunction.

We're growing old here waiting for you to get to the damn point.

The point is, Captain...

that I ran the DNA of Harry Balls through the computer, and it came up

another name.

Ron Jeremy.

A porn film actor of some renown from that period.

According to records, he fled Earth in the early 21st century after Republicans

took control of the country. Are you sure it's the same man's sperm?

Cut it off. Firm.

Cut it off. I've seen enough.

I've seen the anal suction worms of Market 3.

I've seen the brooding of the ferret -faced blood maggots of Rigel Thick.

I've never seen anything as hairy, as ugly, or as poorly produced as that.

Your women are draining my crew.

At this rate, our five -minute mission is going to be cut shorter than a young

Jewish boy to circumcision.

And we've learned a bit about you, too, as well, Mr.

Balls. Did a little checking on your women's backgrounds, Balls.

They may have taken the forms of Rita, Malibu, and Katie, porn stars, but they

stayed on Earth after you left.

These women are clearly imposters.

Well, hold on a minute. I'll make a plan for you guys, all right?

Run for it, Charles!

Captain,

can we run after them?

Security's waiting down the hall. But I must go get a copy of the script, find

out how this turkey ends.

I'll be back.

But if we're going to die, I don't want to die sexually unfulfilled.

Well, I'm sorry. I don't think I can really help you. It's not my time yet.

I'm pretty sure you can.

Despite your extraordinary beauty and that...

wonderful smell emitting from your body. I still have a couple of years left in

my cycle before things kick into...

biology and my

horny race doesn't really permit, but

we never get aroused by such things. Not even a little.

Not even.

No, no, not for... Not even for a second.

It's been... It will be... 18 months, 23 months,

14 days, and... Oh,

it got worse.

Incredible. They actually grew bigger.

Two years they had a sketch.

um um

Oh, fuck.

What the hell is this guy?

um

humans, however.

But we...

Can't give my energy to just anyone.

Captain's log. Last day of production.

It has become apparent that Mr. Jeremy and his women have no place on the ship.

We thought about giving them a kiss on the cheek and cab fare home, but there

are no cabs in faith.

Say hello to your new home, Jeremy.

This place is as bare as an 80 -year -old broad.

Quirk, you can't leave me here. Come on. This place is less livable than Los

Angeles, 2006.

Oh, it's not going to be that bad.

We've got the babes to take care of you. Oh, very funny. Quirk, you can't do

this. You know they need male companionship to keep themselves

They're going to want constant attention.

They're going to want to talk and cuddle after having sex. I don't deserve this

kind of punishment, Quirk. Oh, but you do. You're forgetting.

I've seen your movies.

Quirk to intercourse.

One to be well.

Captain, what about me?

Uh, yeah, uh, sorry.

The red shirt.

Didn't think you were going to make it through the episode.

Dude, beam up.

Thank God, it's so dirty. I mean, you have to clean it. And find us food.

And I don't mean that junk you eat.

And the ground is so hard, you're going to have to rub my feet.

Quark!

Captain's log, final entry.

We will return to the planet where we marooned Harry Balls and his women in

three solar years to monitor their situation.

It's a good idea, because if nothing else, it guarantees a sequel.

Captain's log. Intercourse approaching.

Deep space station 69.

for the scheduled pickup of Charlie Walker, the lone survivor of a spaceship

crash over 20 years ago, ruined on a desolate planet.

Commander Hedges, we're barely reading you. I must warn you.

Beware. The evil is among you.

Now you listen to me.

This is my ship.

What are you doing? I know you're up to something.

You wanted power.

I'm going to give you power.