Original subtitles

Captain's log, star date 6969 .4.

We have entered deep into the Clitoranus star quadrant.

Our mission, to investigate a strange power source emanating from the

uninhibited fourth planet in the system.

Stand it over, Captain.

Very good, number one.

Captain, I'm getting an uncomfortable feeling.

Something is amiss.

Yes, Captain.

I'm sensing a warm marshy terrain emanating with waves of...

Pungent atmosphere.

You should try to do some more often, Counselor.

No, Captain. I was referring to the planet.

As was I.

It seems that terrestrial energy readings are off the scale.

Mr. Dildo, pinpoint the source of the power emission and relay the information

to the transporter room. Commander Dyka.

A fit and away team.

Yes, Captain.

Mr. Wu, Mr. Dildo, and then 10 % you with me.

The final erotic frontier.

These are the penetrating voyages of the sex ship Pentecost.

Its five -minute mission? To stay erect and pointed toward the stars.

To thrust into the void of unknown pleasures.

To boldly copulate with whatever's out there, like no man has copulated before.

Captain's log, Stardate 6969 .5. The intercourse is orbiting Rigel Omega Beta

Or an away team is investigating mysterious power sources.

Switch your premise on.

Not your vibrating synthesis, your tricorder.

Sorry, Captain.

The energy resource...

Very close, sir. Exactly one metric more.

If it was Tonya Harding, she would have clubbed it, right?

If it was Lorena Bobbitt, she would have... Never mind your analogies,

You and Insane Pussy, search this area regularly.

Mr. Wolf and I, look upon those large rocks.

You know...

You see strong energy waves here.

These stones are covering whatever is causing the energy.

Hmm.

Logically, we'd have to dip the rocks off.

Not now, Google. We are on duty.

You can yank your point later.

Now we need to move these rocks and see what is under them.

Hmm.

A visor of some sort.

Definitely alien in origin.

Very old.

How is some?

I've been looking for a new pair of chains.

They look like ribbons.

Um, Ensign, I don't believe that you should put those on. It could have some

dangerous side effects.

Maybe we should study them closely first.

So that's way to study them.

And by putting them on.

What is it?

I never knew you were taking so much heat.

It's just your standard issue private.

Not that, Gildo.

I'm talking about your big head.

Vincent, I think those alien visors have caused you to hallucinate. I suggest

that you take them off immediately.

Not that, Gildo.

I'm feeling space happy and nobody's putting my body.

Um...

Ensign, I don't think this is standard procedure.

I don't think this is any procedure.

It does feel good, though.

My servos and my sensors are definitely tripping on my kidneys.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Mmm.

UGH!

Dildo, instant!

What is the meaning of this?

Take it easy, man.

You're just chilling.

Out of digits, Dildo!

Now get dressed at once.

You too, mister.

Yes. If you can tell I'm not a mister by now, maybe you... That's not true.

Get a reading, Ray.

Unknown metallic, Commander.

My readings tell me it's over 10 ,000 years old.

Must have been left there by an ancient civilization.

Well, whatever it is...

They've done something to Dodo and Sam.

We've got to get them to sickbay at once.

Hey, that's cool. A little nasty -wasty on the sickbay. Oh, man.

Daiquiri intercourse. Daiquiri intercourse. Emergency.

Four to beam up.

Get us the fuck out of here.

Captain's log supplemental.

The away team has returned with a strange alien contraption.

It just had a puzzling effect on Dildo and some Poussey.

What seemed to be the problem, Dr. Kutcher?

Well, Commander, something abnormal is going on.

Ever since Poussey and Dildo had intercourse, their body ratings have

exceedingly low.

Well, maybe.

Should a science lab take a look at it?

No way.

If these things are as much fun as I think they are, I want to get first

Be careful, people. It could be dangerous.

Oh, look at you, Will.

You look different than I've ever seen you before.

You look so different.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, look.

Say something sexy to me.

Sexy.

Maybe it's something intelligent.

Like the captain would say.

Let's see.

I can recite some Shakespeare for you.

Okay.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Thou can more lovely and more free.

So long as man can breathe.

And eyes can see.

So long as this, this gives life to thee.

Morning, morning, well.

Morning, William. Okay.

There was a girl from Alpha Centauri.

She'd like to take up the back door.

She sat on my lap.

She took the crap.

Take me, Will Biker.

That's right.

You want to fuck me?

Even Gene Roddenberry shows better reading than us. Sure.

I think we'd better call the captain.

We may have encountered something that we have never encountered before.

The captain has called you all here for

suggestions. Not yet to hear one.

I have a quick question, Commander.

You should change your prowler with another weapon.

Get those wet spots.

Dig those groovy lights, man.

I see nothing, Lieutenant. What do you see?

Well, Commander, through my glasses, I see an energy beam.

Very powerful.

And getting more powerful with every moment.

I sense there to be a presence there, too, Captain.

Not energy as we know it.

to appear uncalled for by sexual power.

I don't think a creature like this has existed since Madonna, old 20th century

Earth. Perhaps it is the essence of Madonna, surviving all these centuries,

invading our ship, feeding off of our sexual energy.

We must come on board with the visor. Then we must have an intruder on board,

Captain. That visor must be destroyed.

I'd like to hear some more suggestions.

Commander?

I say we go to our torpedo sucker.

Very well.

I will take the visor to the transporter room and transport it into space.

Once it's there, we'll destroy it.

You sure you'd like me to do that for you, sir? No, it's my job.

I mean, I'll take care of the person.

Counselor Joy, did you care to escort me?

I think that would be a good idea, Captain.

You're going to die if you don't charge the bridge.

Captain, why did you bring me to the holodeck instead of the transporter

And why does the holodeck look like a big black nothing?

Because I wanted to simulate returning to the womb, Counselor.

I miss my mommy.

What do you think of that?

You're a deeply disturbed man, John Cass.

And that's why I like you.

I like a little neurosis with my man.

A little salt with my pepper. A little ketchup with my french fries.

A little kitty with my litter.

What are you getting at, Counselor?

I've been trying to get you to notice me for the past seven seasons now, Jean

-Pierre.

Maybe this will help you to do it. I want you to put these on and just look

me one time.

Why not?

It's our last season together.

How'd you like to go on an Easter egg, big boy?

Jean -Pierre, you are respecting my mind.

Easter egg, huh?

I want you to express your feelings.

I want to get inside your head.

What did you say?

I said I want to give you head.

Oh, baby, baby, do me like you've never done anyone before.

Jean -Pierre!

Backwards. Sideways.

Don't do anal.

Don't do anal?

We'll see about that.

Let me spear you like Macbeth in a Shakespearean novel.

I give up.

First of all, let's get you out of this uniform.

See anything down there that grabs you?

Gravity.

You're mighty sweaty.

Hmm.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

Yes, bounce your print across my face.

Here comes the captain.

Make yield for starboard.

Oh, God!

Okay, doctor.

I just want you to sleep.

If you say sleep, you may never wake up from it.

A lot of us work down here.

We won't stop this creature before it drains out all of our sexual energy. I

don't care. What do you plan to do about this?

I suggest you stay here, Doctor, and move to 10 backward.

Those are the two most secure places on the ship.

I'm going to fight this thing to the end.

I'm going to fight it to the bitter end!

already, Captain.

But what is our target?

We have to destroy this alien presence before it sucks us dry.

Ah! Too late for that.

Dr. Guster already did that to me.

What do you propose, Captain?

The being is inside the intercourse.

We can't fire upon our own ship.

What we do is stop it. We have to come up with a feasible plan of attack.

Actually, Captain, if the creature feeds on sexual energy...

Perhaps we could starve it.

If we were to take a pack, say, in celibacy.

How long would that take?

Days.

Perhaps weeks.

Dammit, Dildo!

The captain said a feasible plan.

Feasible. Wait a moment, Commander. Wait a moment.

What if we reverse it?

What if everyone on board made love at the same time interval?

Perhaps... And I say perhaps we can defeat the being by overloading it.

That's a hell of a lot more fun.

I recommend we try to overload it, Captain.

Turn this ship into an intergalactic love boat.

That's a crew.

This is your captain.

You know, the bald guy on the bridge.

We seem to have an alien presence on board and we are going to kill it by

overloading it.

I think so.

Up there!

Yes, Commander.

So anyway,

here I am sucking this chrome off of a trailer head when, um... This is the

captain speaking.

In 30 seconds, I want every man, woman, and tribal to engage in feverish sexual

intercourse. Count down to 30.

and then make it so.

Did you hear that?

I sure did.

But tell me, how are we going to have intercourse when the intercourse, if

aren't any men in 10 baths?

Just leave it up to your family members and all of the family.

That's who you are.

Countdown in 10.

Seven. Six.

Five.

Four. Three.

Two. One.

Make it so!

command and control.

Yeah.

Apparently we have small damage on deck three and four, and there is no coffee

in the kitchen.

But the life -form readings have returned back to normal.

Very good, Dildo. Well, men, women, it seems that we've got our tits out of the

ring on this time.

Perhaps I should have sex with Joy again to make sure for security reasons.

Well, what about next time, Captain?

So many unknowns in the universe.

So many adventures for us to undertake.

Yes, Will.

Well, it looks like we have job security for some time to come.