Original subtitles

I think it's clear.

Good.

Let's do it.

Oh my god, I'm so fucking horny.

Get your camera ready.

Don't be loud.

I can't believe you talked to me like that.

I might have a guard or something.

Please, why would there be a guard? This place is ours.

Oh my god. I think I should try one of these.

You like that?

What do you think you're doing in here?

I'm sorry. We must have gotten lost. Is the museum closed?

We were just going.

Come on, Cindy. Quit fucking around. Let's get out of here. It looks like

little lady needs something only a real man can give her.

Oh, my God.

Holy fuck. Who are you?

I'm Johnny Wad Holmes, baby.

In the flesh.

Bullshit. You're dead.

Does this look dead?

What do you think, little lady?

Want to sample the legend?

Oh, cunt. Do I ever.

Cindy.

This is a talk that satisfied a thousand women.

Cindy.

Let's get out of here.

What the fuck, Cindy?

I don't need this shit.

I'm out of here.

You'll never get it all the way so don't even try, baby.

A little bit better, isn't it?

Or maybe a lot better.

Sorry, it takes a while to get used to it.

They're pretty big, too.

Their hands look so tiny on there.

There is a dog.

You see that now?

Come here.

That pretty face all over that car.

Yeah, you know, everywhere around her face.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Thank you.

Okay, good.

My name's Larry Bailey. I have an interview scheduled with Mr. Mickey.

Sure. What time?

Ten. But I ran into some car trouble.

Good way to start.

Oh, come on.

It's only a museum. How stressed could he be? He's in the back. I'll take you

see him.

Larry.

It says on your resume you have no experience in police or surveillance

What makes you qualified for the job?

I don't know. It's a security guard position at night in a museum.

But maybe I'd be qualified.

Ah, so you figured it's just a museum.

Late at night, anybody can do it. Any old schmeckle can handle this kind of

huh? Let me tell you something.

I didn't even need a security guard at night until recently with the kids

breaking in and causing havoc.

Now I got the media and the authorities all over the place.

I don't need this.

Yeah, I saw something on the news. Did they steal anything?

with my priceless artifacts and antiques.

Having sex?

Who does stuff like that?

Lunatics. It's crazy.

Look, it's hard enough running a place like this without worrying about the

authorities coming down for running a sex club or a brothel.

You're right. That's insane.

This one guy, he says he's a boyfriend to some girl. He claims that one of my

exhibits had sex with his girlfriend. Probably did a better job than he could

do. And now he wants to take us to court for emotional distress.

I don't need this.

You don't. You work hard.

Maybe these kids are on drugs.

Maybe. I haven't even thought about that.

Look,

you seem like a nice kid. Let me show you the exhibits you'll be guarding, all

right?

Welcome to the Erotic Heritage Museum.

Then the girls give this speech.

They have to clear their throats first.

And they go, we have exhibits here from all around the world. The Erotic

Heritage Museum is dedicated to the preservation of great erotic pieces of

and instructional fact and historical fact, something most museums seem to

ignore. We showcase and educate the masses here on the significance of

fine art and film.

Seems kind of a lump in the throat, don't it?

Let me show you some more. Come on.

There's the beautiful paintings of erotic art.

This is Charles Darwin and discussions on the history of sex, genitalia. See

right there about the struggle.

for existence, all about how the, you know, whatever survived had to go

a natural selection.

Here we have some adult actresses, some models, some dancers, all kinds of

performers. Over here we show animal sex, the Beatles.

Look at that, see that, the ladybugs, the Beatles over there, right?

Not the band from England, those that live in dirt.

Here we have some dicks, lots and lots of dicks. Different celebrity porn

dicks, dicks, dicks.

White, black, tall, short, little, big, thick. You name it. Lots and lots and

lots of dicks.

Come on.

Now, we had a lady tour guide who was caught sucking dick. Some of the guards.

She tried to deny it and said, not me.

Wasn't me.

And then we got caught. The sperm driven got him out. So we had to punish her.

That's her right there.

This is actually our equipment notice SNL.

Yeah, but we teach courses at S &M, B &B, CBS, T &A, IOD, IOU, anything with

three letters, we teach it. Here you have her.

That's kind of interesting, huh?

You do that?

Good job.

And here we have the famous porn stars.

We have Julie Linlaw. We have Kobe Time.

Thank God!

Devon, Crispy Canyon.

Savannah, Jean Leone, Julia Ann.

Don't know her name. I forgot. I think I had sex with her. Not the dummy.

The actual girl.

You have just been behind the green door.

How'd you like the tour?

It was great. Very educational.

20 bucks.

Well, just kidding.

Listen, we're open until 10 o 'clock every night, seven days a week.

You can start tonight if you want.

Really? Oh, that's great.

Why? I don't know what it is. Something about your face.

You just seem so honest. You're looking like a nice kid, you know?

You're not going to be fucking around on the job.

No, not at all.

Speaking of job, what does it entail?

Well, you have to make sure all the lights are off at night, make sure all

alarms are on, and the kids, you know?

I don't want these freakos coming here and getting their freak on.

So basically you are being hired.

To stop the fucking.

Got it. No fucking. There will be no fucking on my watch. You can count on

Mr. McGee. I trust it.

those were the days back when porn was porn.

Man, that woman could sure suck a dick.

First day.

Relax,

relax. I'm a doctor.

By any chance, have you seen a patient of mine?

About so tall, mid -twenties, kind of curly hair, needs to relate to orgasm?

No. Who are you? How did you get in here?

Well, you see, I'm looking for Linda Lovelace.

She's my patient.

A very interesting patient, you see. Her clitoris...

is located in her throat.

Not above her vagina, but deep in her throat.

The only way that she can come, if you will, is through oral intercourse.

Through a new technique I've devised called deep throat.

It's as ridiculous as it was in the movie.

I get it.

I get it.

Mess with the new guy.

Let's dress up like dead porn stars.

And we'll just give him a scare, right?

Right? Come on out, Mr. McGee. You got me.

You got me.

Come on.

Well, I can assure you, my friend, I'm just as real as you.

You see, this is a space -time continuum you've entered.

The sex museum sits on a fulcrum between the past and the present.

Spirits are able to go back and forth through the power of libido and sex

and transmit directly to this precise coordinate.

It makes as little sense as it did in the movie.

You get out of here now.

Have Mr. McGee throw himself, or I'm calling the cops.

Why are you calling the cops?

This is an obscenity charge.

You're dead.

I can't come from my pussy. It doesn't mean I'm dead.

Linda, you're back.

Please excuse us. She's on the clock.

What clock?

I thought we were in a space -time continuum.

Larry, please.

I'm with a patient.

And I need to perfect this new medical technique of mine.

Now, Ms. Lovelace, let's begin the physical examination and see if we can't

figure out why you can't hear those rockets and bombs going off, okay?

Well, that's amazing.

You seem to be missing something.

Well, I'm a girl, Doctor.

We don't have dicks.

No, no, no, no, Miss Lovelace. I know you're a girl.

You don't have a clitoris.

You know, the tingle maker.

What? You've got to be kidding me.

Well, look for yourself.

No man in a boat.

Well, I'll be fucked.

I don't have a clit. What do I do?

Now, now, now. Miss Lovelace.

You told me before, when you get laid, you feel a tingle in your throat.

Well, yeah, doctor, right here. I feel it right here.

Okay, well, open your mouth for me.

Absolutely extraordinary.

That little bugger. There it is.

I found your clit.

It's in your throat.

Deep in your throat.

Have you ever heard the term deep throat?

Deep who?

Not deep who. Deep throat.

It's a new technique I've been developing.

It's when you swallow a penis until it's all the way down your throat. Hence the

term deep throat.

Why do I do that?

Well, I'll choke.

Well, if you ever want to hear those fireworks, bombs, and whistles going

you're going to want to work that clitoris. It'll be fun. Just relax your

muscles, breathe yoga style, and think deep thoughts.

You make it sound so simple.

Try it. You'll like it.

Now, why don't you scoot off that couch and let's give it a whirl.

There you go, you're getting it.

Very well done.

Wow.

She really, really can suck a cock.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Baby, don't you know the answer is right there.

70s porn music. Of course.

Why not? I'm in a sex museum.

You can get anywhere.

We throw hip -hop in it.

That's lovely.

Thank you.

You heard it.

I heard it.

Fireworks and bombs.

I heard it all, Doctor.

Wonderful. So the technique is successful.

Doctor, is there anything I can assist you with?

Why, yes. Yes, there is.

Miss Lovelace, please, take this one with you and continue practicing.

Oh, Doctor, I can't thank you enough.

I'm sure you will in the future.

That's for you.

Maybe you can also help me work on this technique.

I think I can.

Oh. Oh.

I think I feel better.

Oh, yes, yes.

Yes. Oh, yes.

That's all the rules of your further examination.

Thank you.

Oh my

God.

I'll turn you over up here.

Doctor's orders.

Love you, Pinterest.

Oh, my God.

Oh my god!

Oh shit!

Oh, God.

Yes! Yes!

Oh, get on your knees.

Hey,

Linda. Hey,

Linda. Think you can handle this?

Holy shit, it's John Holmes.

Aren't you handsome?

I love a man in uniform.

Seika.

I thought I had a date with you tonight.

Can't we do it tomorrow night, John?

I need something new tonight.

And Larry here looks like he could use it.

Fine. I'll go find Savannah.

Seika? Like, 70s porn legend?

Most popular star in porn?

Yes. That's me, baby.

You got really hard watching Linda work her magic.

Poor thing.

With a clit in her throat, she just doesn't need the pussy fucking I do.

Mine's on my cunt, right where it belongs.

Do you want to see it?

Seika, I would. I mean, I really, really, really, really, really, really

But this is just a little weird for me.

Ever think that you might be here for a reason, Larry? That whatever you're

looking for might be right here?

Wow. Your pussy is wet.

And I mean like really, really wet.

She needs your coffee with Larry.

Help a porn star out?

I don't know, Sanka. I don't think I can handle you.

All we need is love, Larry.

Love me.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You

Oh, my God.

Oh,

my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh,

my God. Oh, my God.

Thank you.

Oh, shit.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Yeah? Can you expect me?

Give me that cock.

Yeah, give me that fucking cock.

Silk.

I fucking love it. Give it to me.

I'm that fucking pussy.

Oh, come on. Give it to me.

Oh, come on. I know it's not all you fucking got.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Come on.

Oh, yeah. Come on. Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. Oh,

my God.

We had a dream to display art that was not displayed at any other museum.

The art of eroticism and sex.

Now if you guys want to follow me up the stairs, I can continue to show you what

we have displayed.

Now the museum here is dedicated to the preservation of sex and art.

We showcase and educate the masses on different kinds of sex and culture

throughout history.

You can see our massive selection of art that we have displayed through

different kinds of cultures and different kinds of sets.

And here you can see it's from the 40s, and we have some film.

I highly recommend getting one of our books inside the gift shelf downstairs.

And then if you continue around here, you can see.

Wow, Emily, that was some really great stuff there.

This place is full of great stuff.

But thank you. So how was your first night on the job? Did you keep the

troublemakers out?

Actually, that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. You got a second?

Sure, what is it?

Have you noticed anything weird happening here at night?

Weird? Like what?

Oh, no, nothing.

Just, um, the exhibits.

No.

We've had people sneak in and hide and try having sex in the museum.

No. No one, no one had sex last night. Here.

Are you, like, hearing noises with the exhibit, like it's coming to life or

something? No, no, absolutely not.

That would be weird and crazy.

It would.

Totally.

It was nothing, okay? I said nothing. Yeah.

Forget it, okay? Okay.

I'm going to go get ready. Okay.

I'm at work.

I work as a security guard in a museum.

No, there's no dinosaurs.

It's, um... It's an art museum.

Yes, there are paintings.

Well, I...

I don't know if I'm going to be home for Thanksgiving.

I don't want to leave Las Vegas. I like it here.

No, I'm not dating anyone seriously.

That doesn't mean I'm gay. I just... Mom!

Look, I have to go. I have to go patrol.

Yes, I'm Mommy's little soldier.

Yes. Yes, I love my book.

Yes.

Okay. Alright.

I don't want to rub my wet little cunt.

None of my fingers.

Just tuck him deep inside of me.

You again.

What are you anyway?

The most ridiculous costume I've ever seen in my life.

Ridiculous? Back in my day, they called me ridiculous too.

Caligula?

Caesar Caligula, they'd say.

You're scaring all the people with your ridiculous, massive orgies.

Your insatiable sexual appetite.

Fucking all my sisters.

Oh, and of course, the brothel. Palace, big brothel. Great time, great time. And

of course, fisted a couple of the senators and of course some soldier

They loved it.

Yeah, I could see how that would raise some gossip.

Well, I was merely opening their eyes.

I mean, and their minds, of course. I mean, those tight -sphinctered

politicians. They needed to see the real world. And, of course, all the lust

that we have within us.

I remember one week I turned the complete senator's wives into all whores

sort of fuck. Now, that was a party.

Well, you most certainly left your mark on history.

Oh.

Oh.

This could be good.

She's like the whore of Babel on this one.

Nasty little mouth, too.

Kind I like, wrapped around my cock.

Oh, look!

Oh, I do hope a tiger comes out. I used to love a good Ethiopian and tiger right

back in policy in my favorite.

Get all over my face.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, my God. Give me those fingers.

You know, I think it's time the little boots went in and received his emperor's

right.

Indeed.

Don't go away.

You're my loyal little subject.

Suck with abandon.

You have an emperor's pole in your slut mouth.

oh oh

Hi.

Good Lord.

Huh?

Oh, fuck.

Oh, my God.

Oh,

my God.

I love that shit baby

Yes.

I don't know what to do.

Sorry, I want that cock inside of me.

Amen.

I don't know.

So what do you think?

Like, I know it sounds crazy, but Scout's Honor, that's what happened.

And I honestly think Caligula's not that bad of a guy. He's not a bad rap.

Are you taking acid at night? No, I swear what that guy said in the police

report is true.

At night, this place comes to life. Everyone, Seika, John Holmes, Caligula,

Marilyn Chambers.

I don't know. It just sounds really crazy, Larry.

After your shifts.

Stay here with me tonight, and I'll show you. This place is magical.

Are you sure you're not some kind of wacky, creepy guy? I've dealt with

wacky, creepy guys in my life. I am not wacky, I swear.

Look, just stay your stay.

Please.

Okay, Larry.

Does this... When is it supposed to start?

Um, any minute. It'll happen when you least expect it. That one, it just

happens.

So what happens?

You just hear rockets and bombs bursting in the air?

Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.

Harry, Linda, I want you to meet my friend Emily.

She also works at the museum.

Oh, my gosh.

Wow.

Hi, Emily. Nice to meet you.

Hello there, Emily.

I'm Dr. Reams. I'm a sexual therapist.

Would you care for an examination?

I'm good, thank you.

But it is an honor to meet both of you and Ms. Lovelace. You have been an

inspiration to women with deep learning.

What's that?

Oh, we haven't gotten that far in the script yet.

So, Miss Lovelace, shall we begin your examination?

Hello,

Larry. Do I get a chance tonight with the Fosse tour guide?

If we can do it three -way.

Oh, hi, John.

I'm John Holtz.

Hi, John. I love your films.

Nice, John.

Nice.

Hi, Larry.

Will you pick up where we left off the other night?

You know I love women.

Seika?

Emily. Emily.

Seika. Hi, Seika.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

You've got a handful with that one, honey.

I'm here to help if you need me.

Seika, tonight I'm giving Emily a tour of the museum.

So, uh, what does she mean that you're handsome?

Oh, her? Who knows? You know porn stars. They're all liars.

Come on. Let's go see what else is happening.

Okay.

This is amazing, Larry!

I knew there was so much more to this place than it seemed. I could feel it.

was the energy!

I mean...

I would give all these tours, and I'd show the people all these artifacts, and

would just get so excited, and now I know why!

Because it's all alive!

Well, Dr. Ream says it's because it's on a space -time continuum, but I don't

know, maybe there's a magic dildo or an ancient Egyptian artifact.

You know, like one of those museum movies.

You know, we do have those Egyptian phalluses.

There you go.

I've always thought that he got a bum rap.

If I was his intern, I'd be sucking his cock every day, too.

Wow, I mean, I never realized you were so into politics.

I mean, I just like men in charge.

I've got a lot of fantasies.

When a man is in charge, it just does something to me.

I would suck his cock every day.

I mean, I would imagine interns suck a lot of cock.

Yeah, they probably do.

You know, it's funny.

I spend all day talking about fantasies, giving tours, yet I practice

none of mine.

I think it's because I have nobody to do it with.

What? You're so beautiful. How is that possible that you don't have a man in

your life?

I think it's because I have intimacy issues.

You know, I've never slept with the same guy more than once.

It's like I run away and hide or something.

What's up with that?

How am I ever going to fulfill any of my fantasies when all I can have is a one

-night stand?

That's really harsh.

So, what about you, Larry?

Do you have a girlfriend?

No, not for a while now.

She dumped me like six months ago when I lost my job.

Looked out here.

You know, it didn't work out.

So have you ever tied a girl up?

No.

No, I've got a lot of fantasies.

Like being back in the 70s and sucking off guys in peep shows or, you know.

Going through glory holes.

Too many.

I don't know. I think it's hot making a porno or people watching me having

sex or sucking cock.

It's hot.

It is warm in here.

You okay, Emily?

Yeah.

Can you take a hint, Larry?

What happened last night?

Nothing. She was acting weird all day. Just wasn't herself.

She wouldn't tell me anything.

And she just leaves.

Oh, hope she didn't quit.

Quit?

Look, she loves this place.

It's her life.

As long as I've known her, she has never, ever, ever left early.

Maybe you know something.

No, no, nothing.

I'm gonna...

Go get ready.

Man, what am I going to do?

Do you want to replace her?

She's great. Cute little nerd.

I'm screwed.

Come on. Get out of here.

Come on.

Get out.

Come on. Get out.

Hey.

Hey, come on.

Whoever's in there, come on. The museum's closed.

I thought you left.

Get in.

Get your popcorn.

Get in.