Original subtitles

♪ Could never buy your love, no

♪ Money can't buy you love

♪ Money can't buy you love Can't buy you happiness

♪ True love can win

♪ Oh, no, money can't buy you love

♪ Can buy you diamond rings

♪ But money can't buy you love

♪ Know what I really been thinking about?

♪ No, what?

♪ How about a new pocketbook, sweater?

♪ Can't buy you love, can't buy you love

♪ The best things in life are free a”

Asshole!

Son of a bitch is going to kill somebody.

He's still alive.

Lloyd, will you get the tape, please?

Let's move it!

- How much further? - It's right there.

I don't like this.

You said right up the street. We've walked 12 blocks.

It's right there! I'm walking up a million stairs.

Look, why don't we just forget it'?

No, come on! Get your hands off!

Go back to the car. I'll bring the TV down.

You think I'm stupid?

I'm going to let you walk away with my $300?

I'm coming with you.

Good idea.

This guy might not be totally legit.

Who is it?

It's me. Me who?

It's Cornbread. Open up.

Came to pick up the you know what.

You didn't use the code.

The fat man walks slowly.

Well, the fat man need to lose some weight.

Just open the fucking door!

What's all this hostility about?

Hey, what's happening?

How you doing? Who's this?

That's Frank. Frank, how you doing?

What's that, short for Frankfurter?

Don't stand out here like a couple of roaches.

Come on in. Come on in, Frankfurter.

Place smells like a fucking pigsty.

Yeah, I know. That's the dead guy next door.

He died on the toilet the other day.

They got to wipe his ass and take him away.

Are you sure you don't want no car phone?

I said I wanted a television.

You told me this piece of shit had color TVs.

You're wasting my goddamn time. Chill, man!

Forget it! Give me my money!

Hold it, Frankfurter!

Don't get hyperextended.

Cornbread's just telling you what else we got.

Right! The TV's in there.

Get it so I can get the hell out of here.

You heard the man. Go get it!

Get it before I kick both your asses.

Yeah, before I kick both our asses.

Oh.

Damn!

Of all the crazy dudes in the world

to have working for you.

Hey, say, Frankfurter, you ever hear the one about...

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

Oh, it's dinnertime.

Don't do that in front of me.

Why, you hungry?

I think I got a piece of chicken left over.

Here you go, here's a piece of chicken.

Hey, man, I dug in a lot of garbages for that!

Let me hold your belt.

I got to tie off this arm and get this vein up.

Veins just don't come every day.

You got to get it...

You got to get... Let me wear your belt, Frankfurter!

All right, hurry up, you goddamn piece of trash.

I hate you people!

I figured that out when you walked in the room.

Oh, God.

Oh, God!

What's the matter? What happened?

Oh, that shit was no good!

Oh, oh, help me. What happened?

He took bad drugs or something.

Oh, shit! Take this and go before the cops come! Run, fatso!

Come on, man, don't you die on me!

Oh, no, he's dead!

You bastards!

Mo' money, mo' money, mo' money!

Look at that! Here.

Hey! Hey, go on.

Yo, that was mad fun!

You seen the look on that guy's face?

Yeah, you should have seen when I gave him the chicken.

What's the matter?

Tooth hurts.

Which one? Right here.

Get it fixed.

Hey, yo, check it out.

Oh, snap, go get that man.

Easy, 93$)'-

Good evening, Officer.

Move, smartass, or I'll take you in.

That ain't funny, Johnny. That's really not funny.

Nice night out. Come on, move it!

Here's some chicken if you're hungry.

Stop, you sons of bitches!

Are you chasing those two guys that just come by here?

Yeah, they robbed me.

Get away from me, you fucking burn!

I'm a cop.

Hey, wait a minute!

Stop! Police! Uh-oh, here comes fatso!

Hold it right there!

He's got my money!

He's got my money! Stop him!

Here, hold that for me!

Look out, coming through!

Come on, come on!

Hold it!

You get him. I'm finished.

Shit!

Get off my car!

Pay your fare. Pay your fare! Pay your fare!

"Pay your fare!" "Comb your hair!"

What do we got here, Mills?

Ted Forrest, white male, age 47.

Died at 1:13 a.m.

Messenger for the Dynasty Club Corporation.

It appears to be another hit-and-run.

I just don't understand it.

Yeah, it is pretty insane, Lieutenant.

I mean, how do they get the jelly into these things?

Huh?

Any of your men touch this?

No, sir, I gave specific orders not to move anything.

Well, somebody did. I wonder what that means.

- I don't know, sir. - Lieutenant.

Me neither. Thank you.

Here, hold that.

Oh, boy. Get me that case. I'll deliver that myself.

You wrap everything else up over here.

I got a few things I got to do.

Yes, sir, Lieutenant.

Hey, anybody got some paper?

Smells like you need The Sunday Times.

Hey!

Like I was telling you, man,

I had that little bitch by the neck like this.

I start twisting it till it snaps. Pow!

I almost killed that little ho.

Then mom come running in, talking about,

"What you doing to your sister?"

Yo, she's lucky, man.

They both lucky. You know, pop, pop!

Two for one, that's right.

She's my mom, but she ain't breastfeeding me.

Right. Now Mom talking about pressing charges on me.

Man, I don't give a damn blam sam.

Forget the peanut butter and jelly. I'm ready to jam!

Right! I do time for breakfast!

"What you got for me today, Judge? What's that, five years?"

Mmm, mmm, mmm!

"Seven years, Judge?"

Give me life, Judge. I got an appetite! Big one!

Mmm, mmm, mmm...

That's right! That's what I'm going to do.

Go tell the judge. Say, "Yo, Judge, kiss this ass."

Hey.

Hey, my man. Hey, you using that hat?

Hey, man, what's your problem?

Give me a cigarette, boy.

I don't smoke.

I said, give me a cigarette!

I said I don't smoke.

Wrong answer.

You're supposed to say, "I'll get you one."

Okay.

Jonathan Stewart!

Soon as you find your fucking balls.

You're dead! You're dead!

Not funny, man.

Yo, man, what's up with you? You getting old?

No, man, the stupid transit cop.

I thought Frankfurter got you.

Listen.

They find out about my probation, I could go away.

Don't worry about it. I got you a lawyer.

Is he good?

Now, what's my name?

Is he good?

What's my name? Is he good?

He's the best lawyer in town.

For the money.

♪ Your Honor, allow me to fumigate my wisdom

♪ On the defendant

♪ Because he has been incarcerated

♪ In the propaganda of the prison structure

♪ On the issue of the court thing, yes

♪ And I must say here that it has been

♪ A didactic and pragmatic experience for him

♪ As you can see by the look on his face

♪ Can I get a witness ?

♪ Oh, yes, Lord, and I must say

♪ That both physically and geographically

♪ If he be sent to the bowels of the community

♪ I said, if he be sent to the bowels of the community

♪ Huh! The manifestation will be much too much

♪ For him to resign

♪ I rest my scrotum

Are you serious?

♪ Oh, yes, sir

Oh, Mr. Stewart.

The last time I saw you was, uh, only three months ago.

I said if you showed your face in my court again,

I would put you underneath the jail, didn't I?

Yes, Your Honor.

Well, did you think I was playing?

No, Your Honor.

I'm considering postponing your case for a few months

just to let you think about how you're wasting my time

and the taxpayers' money.

But since you've been so ill-represented

by "the propaganda of the court structure,"

I'm going to have a sympathetic decapany on this case. Dismissed.

Thank you.

And you, get out of my court before I send you away!

- Next case. - Docket 1406.

Roscoe Kent versus Elvira Kent.

That's right, Judge, fry him!

Put him under the jail!

Your Honor, I don't have representation.

Could I get Reverend Pimp Daddy to be my lawyer, too?

My sister, she'll work it off,

the fee for you, man, as soon as she gets better.

Your ass is mine.

Yeah, come on, come on.

You were sweating in there, kid.

You're not as tough as you think you are.

Yeah, well, thanks for getting me out, Walsh.

Me?

Are you hungry?

Nope. Well, I am.

I thought you were supposed to be working.

I quit.

I'm sorry?

I said I quit.

Oh, I see. You quit.

Then maybe I should quit trying to help some little street punk

make something out of his miserable life.

What happened to the job I got you at Cluck-A-Bucks?

Yo, Walsh, they had me in a giant chicken costume handing out coupons.

It didn't go with my image.

You don't have an image.

You're unemployed, you're invisible.

You're not even a statistic as far as the system's concerned.

John, a job is a job!

Tell that shit to them white boys downtown!

So you're going to have to try a little bit harder!

It doesn't matter if you clean shithouses, as long as it's honest.

Well, I ain't cleaning no shithouse.

Just take a look around you.

Is this it, John? Are you going to be happy with this

the rest of your life?

You tell me what it is that you want to do.

Maybe a cop like my father.

Come on, you don't have what it takes.

Talking about your father, let me tell you, he was the...

"Best damn cop ever." And he's dead!

What's that say about cops?

Well, not too much, according to you.

But he was a cop.

He was my partner.

And he saved my life. You understand that?

He was stupid because you're here and he's gone.

I can't help that, John.

I can tell you something about your old man.

We're on stakeouts...

God, not again.

What about Seymour?

What does he do with his life?

Drugs? Play Cornbread?

Who's he got to look up to'? You?

You're too involved with yourself.

Go ahead, turn your back on me like you always do.

Hey, John, it ain't going to fall from the sky!

You got to work for what you want!

Look at me, at least. I'm yelling at you!

It was about 90 degrees.

Hey, Johnny! Sweet and sour pork, very good.

How'd you like the lawyer?

Filthy. Move, crackhead.

You out, ain't you?

Guess you won't be coming to my concert.

This is the artificial intelligence

designed to cut down on fraud and unpaid charges.

We developed this through interviews

with over 300 Dynasty Club authorizers.

Basically, this computer can determine credit approval.

So, the computer makes the decision

on who gets credit and who doesn't?

Who would've guessed? Technology.

Remember when you had to heat an iron on the stove?

I have no frame of reference, Lieutenant.

I'm a product of the computer age.

Another tough question.

Yes?

I lose my credit card. I don't report it.

Someone finds it and goes out on a shopping spree.

Please, sit. Thank you.

Does the computer pick up on that?

Well, yes and no.

It may be more difficult during, say, Christmastime

when shopping is heavier.

But on the whole, it's very effective.

Ain't that something?

I hate to be so pedantic, Lieutenant,

but I believe it's "isn't that something?"

Isn't that something?

Yes, it is. It's also a shame.

What is?

Mr. Forrest's death. I think it's a shame.

Could I get a printout of the names on that tape?

Certainly. Anything else I could do?

No, thank you. Oh, and uh...

Thank you for the English lesson.

Yo, come get some of this. I got what you need.

Get high off of this.

Hey, yo, check it out, baby, eye up, lady.

Come get some, lady.

Hey, baby, you look good.

Hey, Miss Lady, ma'am, buy a book for Biff.

Tell Mom to buy you a book.

Screw you.

I'll knock them freckles off your face.

Hey, hey, customer's always right.

Knowledge is the key.

Reading is fundamental... Johnny, people don't care

about their children's futures anymore.

That's why Bush is in office.

Walsh said I'd go to jail if...

Fuck Walsh! He don't care about us!

You can stay here and sell these damn books.

I'm going to get paid.

Ladies and gentlemen, knowledge is the key to understanding

and learning, and... Damn!

Here we go! We going to get paid today.

Yo, my man! Shaft! Little Jack!

Play a game of three-card.

Here we go, red card.

You want the red card. Look for the red.

Excuse me. How much is this book?

For you? Free. Take it.

Nothing in America is free.

Love is.

Oh, really?

Besides, your kid will like it.

I don't have a kid.

Yes, Lord.

Give me my $2.

What happened to free?

It's America, remember?

This is a great book. You should read it.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah? Could I read it to you now?

"The Ice Cream Dream."

I wonder what that's about.

"I wish I had an ice cream.

"It'll look just like you.

"Sweet-tasting chocolate, good all the way through.

"I'd lick it slow from head to toe..."

You're fresh.

I'll take my book before it melts, thank you.

Come again.

And again and again...

Never the black, never the black.

You want the red card.

The lady wants to play.

All right!

Oh, no.

Try your luck, make a buck. $10 gets you $20.

How do you know?

Trust me. I sell children's books, remember?

Come on, Miss Lady girl.

Always the red. Open your ears, hear what I said.

Here we go! Here we go!

What you got?

You sure?

Yeah, she wants the right card.

Barn! All right!

Yeah, a winner!

Winner, winner!

It ain't impossible. Here you go.

$40 get you $80. $40 get you $80.

Once again, never the black.

You want the red, never the black!

Never the black.

Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah...

Bop-hip, what you gm'?

Middle card.

You want this one?

You sure?

Come on.

Ah, she won!

Another lucky winner!

I think she won all that. Didn't she win all that?

Oh, you won it all!

This her lucky day.

You just going to take the money and run?

I won it.

What the hell are you doing?

Sold me out for a piece of ass.

What am I supposed to do?

Sell those books.

Sell some books?

Shit! Stupid!

Excuse me, miss. I didn't get your name.

Amber.

Amber. Ooh, I like that.

Excuse me, Miss Amber.

Do you think we could get together for lunch?

Someone press seven, please.

I'm busy.

Hi. Remember me?

How about dinner?

How about breakfast?

How about... How about a drink?

Water fountain's right over there.

Yeah.

She wants me.

♪ Never trust a big butt and a smile, that girl is... ♪

I'm here to apply for the mailroom position.

Did you fill out an application?

No.

Here.

Fill this out.

Good luck. Thanks.

I really mean that. Really, good luck.

Some people say that, they're crazy.

They want you to have bad luck, you know?

There's room for everyone to succeed.

You know? Homeboy.

I refuse to get paranoid or defensive or hostile

because I'm in a competitive situation.

I can handle it.

I think this job is the key for me.

My shrink thinks so, too.

He even lowered my prescription.

I got to conquer the self-esteem thing.

Just boom! Okay?

Just drive through this baby, okay?

I have an eating disorder. Oh?

Yeah, sure. Threw up on the way over.

I developed it from a negative self-image as a child.

They may think I'm fat and loathsome.

I'm going to fight them and show them they cannot rob me

of my right to exist on this planet.

Next.

Ah, come in.

Hi.

Some interesting responses here, Mister Stewart.

It says here that you attended Mount Holyoke College in Massachusetts.

Four years of work, work, work.

I thought Mount Holyoke was an all-girls' school.

Uh, no, they changed that.

Probably as soon as I got there.

You wouldn't happen to be related to Tracy Stewart, would you?

That's my aunt.

He's a man. His wife's my aunt.

You should have put that on your application.

It could only help.

Tracy truly is an asset to this company.

He keeps things in order around here.

He's funny about nepotism.

I'd rather do this on my own, so I would appreciate it

if you wouldn't mention my name to him.

You certainly have personality.

Listen, I'll, uh, review your application

and, uh, check out a few references

and get back to you in a couple of days.

Oh, this is your correct telephone number, isn't it?

Yes. Yes, sir.

Good.

Thank you.

Thanks. Thank you.

Next, please, next.

Yo! Bighead!

Yo, what took you so long? I been home and back.

Did you talk to her? Yeah.

Did you get her number?

So what took you so long?

I think I might have got a job.

A job? Yeah.

Johnny, a job ain't nothing but work.

I know. Let's eat.

Yo!

Beep, beep, beep, oh, ho...

Stop it, now. Calm down!

Hey! What the hell are you doing? Get him out of my shop!

Mister, I forgot his...

Get him out of my store! Look what he's doing!

I forgot his medicine at home!

Timmy! Don't touch the eggs!

No, no, not the eggs.

He's ruining my store! Get him out!

Let him die in the street like a dog!

See? See? Look at that!

Not the eggs. See?

What do you want me to do?

Fix him a sandwich. He needs lactate!

Laxative? No, no, lactate!

Fix him a turkey sandwich. Hurry up! Timmy's crazy!

Timmy, not the cans! No!

Not my cans, not my cans! What are you doing?

Okay, I fix, I fix! Here, here!

Put some more on there!

All right, okay.

Timmy wants more lactate. All right, more!

Don't touch those chips, Timmy.

Here's more! Here's more!

Timmy, stop it!

Here, here!

He wants more turkey on it. Put some mayo on.

A whole lot of mayo! Thank you, mister.

Timmy, come on! Stop, Timmy!

Mayo, mayo! Here's more mayo!

All right, all right. Thank you, thank you!

Hey, you're welcome. Now get him out of my store!

Come on, Timmy.

Thank you. Please go!

Give him a kiss.

Please go.

No! Get out of here!

Get out! Go! Get him out of my store!

How long do I have to wait for that coroner's report?

We'll be dead before it gets here.

Lieutenant, I'll try...

Get over there even if you have to examine the damn body yourself. Go!

Remember the trouble you caused last time?

Get your hands off me, you bald-headed, flatfoot faggot!

You used to be my best customer.

Now you bust me because I wouldn't do a freebie?

Right, liar.

Get that whore away from my door.

See what you started? Come on, Mary.

What happened to us? What are you doing? I'm up for a promotion.

Lieutenant, I phoned the coroner's lab.

Autopsy confirmed that Forrest's broken neck

was not sustained in the accident.

Didn't I say that? It was inflicted...

After the fact. Now it's official.

So anyway, everybody's laughing and having fun,

when all of a sudden Stanley jump up and run out the house.

He done forgot his Depends!

Hey, Miss!

Could you hurry with the phone? I'm waiting on an important call.

I don't give a rat's ass what you waiting on!

I put 25 cents in here.

When it's used up, then I hang up.

We been waiting here for two days and nothing.

That's because she's on the damn phone.

He's going to call, I know it. I got a feeling.

I got a feeling they already hired somebody. Mr. Negative.

You just want to see that stupid girl, man.

Do you think they're going to hire a criminal?

I ain't John Gotti.

Damn sure ain't! John Gotti was getting paid.

Now your little narrow ass can use the phone!

Hey, my man, it's broken.

Go shave that little crustache off your lip.

See? It still ain't ringing.

You kids get the hell away from my cab.

Get a job! Join the Boys' Club!

See that cab over there?

Shit!

Excuse me. Maybe you can help me.

I'm going to 33rd Street and 3rd Avenue.

Let me guess. You're foreign.

Did my bald head give me away?

Pop in. I'll whiz you over there. $50. I won't even turn on the meter.

$50? I don't have no money.

Why am I talking to you, you fucking immigrant?

But wait. Excuse me.

Hello. Excuse me. Mister.

I got to go get the money.

What money?

I have $10,000 over at my grandmother's house.

My time is worth money. $200 on spec.

$200?

$150. I give you...

I told you he'd call, Seymour.

You son of a bitch! I'll rip your freaking throat out!

Stewart residence.

Yes, this is him.

Yes, tomorrow will be fine.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Yes! I got the job!

I got a job, man. Filthy!

You must be Jonathan Stewart. I've been expecting you.

I'm your supervisor, Chris Fields.

Attention, everyone.

I'd like to introduce you to a new employee.

His name is Jonathan Stewart.

Hi, Johnny baby.

Oh, by the way, that's Charlotte.

Come on. I'll introduce you to your new machine.

Keep going. You're doing good. Ow!

You better get used to those paper cuts.

I'll have to get me some gloves.

Let me ask you, what do I do with this?

That's a credit card

that Mr. Geoffrey wants cancelled.

The idiot didn't break it in half like he's supposed to.

Why break it in half?

Our credit cards go out preapproved.

They have to be processed before being cancelled.

I see we got a new guy here.

Johnny Stewart, this is Keith Heading.

He's head of company security.

Hi. Hi, Johnny.

Hey, did you hear the one about the psychiatric patient?

"I'm having weird dreams.

"Last night I was a wigwam. The night before, I was a tepee."

Psychiatrist says, "Relax. You're two tents."

Chris, got a minute?

Sure. Excuse us.

Yeah. Nice to meet you.

Hey, Johnny baby.

What are you doing for lunch? Ah, working.

On who?

God, you got the most beautiful lips that I've ever seen.

Oh, really?

Chris.

What do you think of that new guy'?

Johnny's great. Yeah, he'll probably stick around.

I got to take a poop. What the fuck is going on?

I got scared.

Scared of what?

Chris, did you have a nightmare?

No.

I don't have time for "scared," Chris.

You never mentioned anybody getting hurt, or...

Or what? Or dying.

Well, Mr. Butthole, you let him be a lesson to you.

Okay?

We have 26 days to make $30 million.

People are waiting on product.

You know what I mean?

Nod if you understand.

Oh, you're red. You're getting blue.

I wonder how long it takes to get white.

Oh, Christ! I got to get back to my office.

You give me those cards, okay?

Hey, don't forget.

You're my number-one guy.

Terry, how are you?

Yo, Chris. Is that you?

Yeah.

Why you crying, man? You constipated?

Mmm-hmm.

You should try rocking back and forth.

That's what I do.

You said it would take an hour.

It's been an hour and a half. That's unacceptable.

Alison, file this, please.

Hey, what happens if I push this button?

How did you get in here?

I work here. What can I do for you?

It's my lunch break.

I was looking for someone sweet and pretty

to talk to, maybe show me around.

You wouldn't happen to know someone like that?

Actually, yes. Yes, I do.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, Charlotte.

Right

So, what do you do in this department?

Don't sit on my desk.

Sorry. I run this department.

Get me a job here

so I don't have to work in the mailroom.

Amber, acquisitions is wondering

what happened to the (3-89 form. Finished with it?

Hey, what's happening, bro?

What are you?

Jonathan Stewart from acquisitions. Came for the (3-89 form.

I'll hurry, Amber.

Did you put aside those disputes?

Yes, Tom. They're right here.

Hi, Johnny baby.

Hey, what's up, Charlotte?

How did you like your first day?

It's all right. I'm learning.

What you need is a better teacher.

Yeah, I can probably get it, though.

It's an easy machine.

But you need someone to show you how to do it right.

Listen.

I'm going to the bar right down the street.

You want to come?

No, I'm going to just pass.

I'll pass.

Too bad.

I think she likes you.

I think I like you. Johnny!

Johnny, right? What's up, Keith?

How you doing, Johnny?

Chris, what's happening, man? Good night, Chris.

Good night.

He hasn't been feeling good.

I know. He was constipated earlier.

Hmm.

Hello, my weakness. How you doing?

I was waiting for you inside.

Why?

I wanted to ask you to marry me.

Can I get down on one knee, please?

I don't think my boyfriend would like that.

Oh, you got a boyfriend and things!

All right, cool.

Let him be the best man.

I don't think so.

No?

I love your smile. It's beautiful.

Thank you.

Amber! Amber! Let's go!

I have to go.

That's your boss friend?

He treat you like you ought to be treated?

Amber, let's go!

I didn't think so.

It's okay. He's temporary.

I got plans for you and me.

Damn, I got to get my shit together.

So, what were you talking about?

Nothiflg- Yeah?

Looked like more than nothing.

Tom, he's just a guy who works...

No, he doesn't. I checked.

Don't waste your time with street trash.

What is that supposed to mean?

He's beneath you. Don't talk to him.

What, are you jealous? That's absurd.

Just don't talk to him.

♪ Are you ready?

Free

♪ Free, baby

♪ Boy, when you look at me

♪ I feel you touch me by my cover

♪ Got to be kiddin' me

♪ You think that I'm that kind of lover

♪ I don't mean to disagree

♪ Sorry, you can? buy my kisses

♪ Open your eyes and see

♪ True love comes for free

♪ I'm keeping my heart open

Hoping you won'! stab me in it

♪ 'cause I've been in love before

♪ And when I had to pay, I did it

♪ I'll lose my sanity

♪ Trying to measure your intentions

♪ What do you want from me?

♪ Lover, 'cause I understand

♪ The best things in life are free

♪ Now that I've discovered what you mean to me

♪ Don't you know that

♪ The best things in life are free

♪ Now that we've got each other

♪ The best things in life are free' ♪

I've got great news.

I've got tickets to the opera tonight.

Amber, what's wrong? You don't seem pleased.

I'm not pleased, Tom.

When will we do what I want?

The things you like have no culture.

I'm trying to open up your mind to something other than rap music.

Here is your other spoon.

Thank you. Oh, and could we have

two more baskets of raisin bread?

Thank you.

Yo, that's her man?

Yeah.

Yo, he's filthy, G.

I know. Watch this.

I've got a joke for you.

Why did the black man wear a tuxedo to his vasectomy?

If he was going to be impotent, he wanted to look impotent.

Keith Heading told me that joke.

Amber, it's not that funny. What are you laughing at?

Torn-

I guess it's time for fun and games with the mail boy.

No! What you want?

Kick his ass!

Stop!

You're overreacting.

You're right.

Why am I being so insecure?

He can't afford you, right, Amber?

Here, why don't you get yourself a decent meal, boy?

Thanks.

You made a clown out of me!

Don't treat me like a whore!

You're being irrational.

I've had it. I want out of this relationship.

Fine. Just collect your things

and go back to the projects.

Damn! I should have broke that boy's back.

You tough now.

Slammed that shit on that table.

You could have, but didn't.

What? Nothing.

You got something to say, say it.

Say it! You played yourself!

What should I do? He's a top-level executive.

I'd have lost my job.

But you'd have still had your face.

Shut up, duty-tooth. You're stupid.

Look at you with your $3 jeans, your $2 shirt,

and your $3 tie.

What's that, a $12 outfit?

Shoot! And a bottle cap for a hat.

That shit like a yarmulke with a brim.

Man, changing your image by getting a job

ain't going to get you no girl, man.

A job ain't nothing but work.

Besides, she ain't nothing but a money-hungry ho.

Why do you think her eyes are green?

No, she's not.

Shut up.

Duty-tooth.

I mean, my breath.

It's god-awful.

I said shut up!

Anyway, I want to thank you

for helping me with the investigation.

You're very welcome. Let me know if I can be of any more help.

Well, actually, there is one thing

that you can do for me.

Grocery list.

I'm looking for Chris Fields. Do you know him?

Yeah, he's a good worker,

an asset to the company.

I don't know what we'd do without him.

Yeah. Do you know where I can find him?

Chris?

Would you mind too much if I...

You want to use my office?

Would you? I mean... Go ahead.

Chris, Lieutenant Walsh.

Nice to meet you.

He just wants to talk. Just a few questions.

About what?

Don't worry. Ah, life.

- How you doing? - Not bad.

How do you like this office? Well, it's just great.

Nothing.

He just asked me a bunch of questions about the mailroom.

Did he ask anything about me'?

A couple of things.

What did he ask?

Just who you were.

What did you say? Nothing.

I played dumb.

I knew the cops were going to find out.

This is just getting way out of hand.

I don't know how to handle it anymore.

Listen, you did real good.

Don't worry.

Just go on home, and I'll take care of it, okay?

All right.

Sasha.

The things we did to each other aren't even in books.

She had a set of headlights on her...

You have got to be careful

of who and what you take to bed these days.

I mean, there are diseases out there.

It's psychological. Only the guys who aren't getting laid

think about what they can get.

Right, fellows?

You absolutely right.

Hi. We'd like to see your jewels, please.

What jewel exactly is it that you'd like to see, gentlemen?

That one.

This one?

No, the big one. I likes them big.

Let's see. All right.

Right

Ooh, look at this. This is nice!

Let me see it!

Will you stop it? You're like a mosquito in my ear.

You didn't say that last night, now, did you?

You was like a mosquito somewhere else.

So, anyways... How much is something like this?

Well, that ring, sir, is $3,000.

Do you like it?

Like it? I loves it.

Excuse me.

I got to talk it over with my husband.

Get a haircut.

Husband, what you doing?

Sometimes I feel like a nut. Sometimes I don't.

I feel like slapping the shit out of you.

So anyways, husband said

I could put it on my Dynasty Club card.

Great.

He's so good to me.

Now, what you whining about?

You hit me.

There you are. Of course, I will need to see a driver's license.

You done gave me your cold already!

Am I supposed to run out the store

every time I open my mouth? Damn!

Here you go. Stop it.

Tell you what. Why don't you just read it to me?

Certainly.

0-6-9-1 -3

D-I-C-K.

Expires whenever.

Here you are, gentlemen.

Enjoy your ring.

Ain't he so sweet?

I'm sorry. Did we get you?

No.

Bye, doughboy.

We got stuck.

Bye-bye.

Bye. Hope you wash your face.

That shit was sweet.

Yo, we could sell that for $100, at least.

$100, man, that's crackhead prices.

For her? I'm keeping this.

Yeah. You better get that girl a mood ring.

Look, then get me a leather jacket.

Just a jacket.

And a hat.

And a hat.

No, and a shirt.

And a tiger-skin blanket

and some snakeskin.

Yeah!

Mo' money. Mo' money. Mo' money.

Mo' money.

Amber-poo, open the door. It's Tom.

Go away.

Amber.

I just want to talk to you.

I have nothing to say to you.

It's over.

Amber, you're being irrational. You'd open the door for the fucking mail boy!

Yes, I would. You know why?

Because he's nice to me.

He doesn't treat me like a piece of shit.

I've got a joke for you.

What does a man with a one-inch penis have for breakfast?

You give up?

This morning I had baby food and therapy, lots of it.

Keith Heading told me that joke.

How did you know where I lived?

I followed you.

You followed me.

My dreams need detail.

So what do you want?

I brought you something.

Where is it?

Go ahead, man.

Hey, fatso!

Give me your wallet!

Here!

Here today, gone tomorrow.

Found this on the platform.

His name was... Chris Fields.

"Darren Clinton, Lloyd Bradley,

"Tony mason..." Here, let me see that.

Boy, this kid had credit.

Stealing? Man, that's ridiculous.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, no.

No, no.

Not one, not two, but three Cartier watches.

Five Italian suits from Elite Wear.

Flight limousine service.

Let's see.

Dinner at Lu Chan's Yum-yum chm sum.

The list goes on and on.

You've got good taste.

Look, man, I don't know whose list that is, but...

I love this part.

Hey! That looks just like you.

Wait a minute. That is you!

You know that's a federal offense?

See, I had you checked out, Johnny boy.

You're on probation, right?

Right?

I put the cards there.

It was just a matter of time.

I'm a pretty good judge of character.

Cut your bullshit, man!

Are you calling the cops, taking me in'?

No! I hired you!

I do my affirmative action bit.

Besides, it wouldn't benefit either one of us.

I got something much better in mind.

I want you to look through returned credit cards

and bring me these names.

What if I don't?

You go to jail for a long time.

Now get out of my face. I hate thieves.

Hey, what you all standing around for? You look like somebody died.

It's Chris.

He got stabbed to death last night.

Damn.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Excuse me, everyone.

As you all know, due to a very unfortunate episode last night,

Chris is no longer with us.

I've just been informed

that Jonathan Stewart will be Chris's replacement

as mailroom supervisor.

Good luck.

You're the number-one guy.

- Over? - Over.

This is the easiest shit we ever did.

And it's over? Like that. Barn! Are you crazy?

I don't want to do it anymore.

Oh, come on, Johnny, man!

Yo, do you know how much shit is out there

that we didn't get yet?

Yo, I saw this dope four-finger ring.

It says "Seymour" going across here.

And one said "Johnny." With thumb attachments.

Sound like handcuffs to me.

Come on, man, I saw a crocodile sweatsuit.

Are you going to play ball in the jungle?

Why are you bullshitting, man?

Yo, we could get paid. It's not like they're going to find out.

We get paid...

They did find out!

Keith's trying to blackmail me,

so just leave it alone. Okay? It's over.

Damn!

So I guess you don't want to hear about the mink socks.

Get the damn meat out of here!

This is way over my head. I just don't understand.

What don't you understand?

Well, the whole thing. Could you explain the whole system again?

A credit line is determined...

That part I get.

There's a bank of information on everyone's spending patterns.

The computer rejects any abnormal purchase.

Abnormal purchase.

Yes. What?

Well, I found these receipts on the late Chris Fields.

These are some really big purchases.

$30,000, $72,000...

Now, I checked these against my printout,

and the funny thing is, every one of them are deceased.

So I asked myself, "Do dead people shop?"

I can't believe that fat little mailroom clerk must have got into the system.

Ain't that something?

You're right on time. I like that.

There's your cards.

Whoa, whoa, Johnny!

This is great. This is really good.

We got some shopping to do.

I thought you said all I had to do was get you the cards.

Johnny, I lie a lot.

Come on, this is going to be fun.

I like that hat.

Kiss my ass.

Don't be sad. Life is good.

You just need some direction.

Yeah, you're going to take care of me, right?

You with me?

Torn!

Johnny!

Come on.

That stuff in there doesn't concern you.

The only thing that concerns you right now

is this list and this card.

Be nice. Get some clothes, too, will you?

You're in the big time now. Charge it.

John.

If you fuck me,

I'll kill you.

♪ I adore you

♪ I adore you

♪ Being with you is amazing

♪ Affection you display does the right thing to me

♪ Your special touch is a rare one

♪ In this day, ooh

♪ Vision of life, laying here beside me

♪ Diamond in the rough glowing, oh, so brightly

♪ Knowing who I am and believing in who you are

♪ We surrender our love to the highest star

♪ That is why I can't help but adore you

♪ I adore you

♪ I can? help myself No, I adore you

♪ Whoa

♪ 'Dore you, 'dare you, 'dare you, 'dare you

♪ Ooh, it's you It's you, I adore you I'

Y'all going out again, huh?

Mmm-hmm.

What am I supposed to do, just stay here?

Mmm-hmm.

You know what, Johnny?

All you care about is that stupid girl and that stupid job.

We don't hang out anymore.

I took you to the dentist.

To the dentist. That's not my idea of hanging out.

You're stupid, you're whipped, and you're letting her divide us.

I hate that stupid girl!

Get the door. You get it.

Get the door, dolomite.

Hi, cutie.

What? What happened? Got my tooth pulled.

Oh, poor baby.

Hey, you ready? Yeah.

Come on. Bye.

Seymour, we're going out dancing. You want to come?

And be a sixth toe? No.

Okay, she's got a sister that look just like her.

Wait. Let me get dressed!

That bitch like a burnt french fry.

Are you sure they're sisters?

They've got different fathers, man. Who's hers, Godzilla?

Stop complaining. Get to know her inner beauty.

These guys are with me.

This girl is a runaway, been following me.

Come on in.

That's my song they're playing.

I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back, okay?

Well, hurry up. This is my jam.

♪ So much joy, so much joy

♪ Yeah, when I think of the goodness that entered my life

♪ I feel joy, gets down deep in your soul

♪ I lose all control, don't want to let it go

♪ Here comes the joy I said joy

♪ Joy, joy

♪ Oo, oo, oo

Sisters! They ain't even friends.

They don't even look like they live on the same block.

Seymour! Hmm?

Seymour!

Seymour!

I always let Johnny do this to me. I don't know why.

Why am I in this damn thing with him?

She don't look that bad.

I must be drunk.

I always let this man talk me into this.

Yeah!

♪ I think it's so groovy now

♪ That people are finally gettin' together

♪ I think it's wonderful now

♪ That people are finally gettin' together

♪ I think it's so groovy now

♪ That people are finally gettin' together

♪ I think it's wonderful now

♪ That people are finally gettin' together' ♪

♪ Now here we are

♪ The two of us

♪ And nothing's gonna come between us again

♪ Forever love, I feel you with me

♪ You're the sun that chases away the rain' ♪

Yo, lover boy, I'm out.

You're out? You taking Godzuki with you?

Come on, man, that's not funny.

She's good people, man.

All right, drunken Casanova. I'll see you later.

Maybe.

Thanks for the hookup, Amber.

I'm gonna rock your world.

I heard that!

That will be $6.50, please.

Thank you.

What is that?

A black titty with a frozen nipple.

You want some?

No, the money, Johnny.

Where did you get that from?

I hit the lottery.

You know, I've watched you spend money like water for the past couple of weeks,

and I wasn't going to say anything.

Just please tell me it's not drugs.

It's not drugs.

I'm serious. I'm serious, too. It's not drugs.

Look, I'm doing it for you.

For me?

Okay, for us.

I like being able to take you out to nice places,

to buy you things.

I want to give you the things you want.

I have everything I want.

Don't throw that away, okay?

I didn't-

Oh, my God!

I got to get this girl out of here.

Damn! Fire!

Fire, Charlotte, fire!

Where? It's coming!

I don't see no smoke. Where's my stuff?

Here, here!

What about you?

I'll be all right.

If you see fire, stop, drop and roll!

Go! Go!

What? How am I supposed to get home?

Hold on!

Hold on!

Here.

Two dollars?

Take the train!

Well, well, well. Look what we got here.

My main man.

Still don't knock, but what's up?

I want out.

Say what?

I said, "I want out."

What are you scared of?

Nothing.

I got you the promotion.

You're making that extra money.

You got that nice girlfriend.

I don't understand.

Yeah, you wouldn't.

Let's just say I know when to throw in my cards.

I guess I was wrong about you, Johnny.

Yep, I guess so.

Fine. Fine.

This shows its a stolen card.

Security is on its way.

Stop, you son of a bitch!

Come here! I'm going to kick your ass!

Hey, you bastard!

Ha, you fat bat!

This is Detective Lawrence

with Dynasty Club security.

He wants to know where you got this card.

Maybe shoving my foot up his big ass, That will get it out of him.

You're so tough. Take the cuffs off and see how tough you are.

You got it.

What you doing? What are you doing?

All right, come on. Go for it!

I think he'll cooperate.

This card came through the mailroom at the Dynasty Club.

We also know that your brother Jonathan works for them.

We figure your brother gave you the card.

No, he didn't. Then who did?

A white guy. What's his name?

I don't know. They all look alike.

And smell like baloney.

You... I'll kill you, son of a bitch!

Now you tell me!

You are going to tell me what you know,

or I'm going to beat it out of you!

Talk, damn you!

All right, all right! I know this guy, this dude.

His name is Keith, Keith Heading. Keep it up!

Here's the deal. I know this guy, right?

He owns six travel agencies.

He wants to use your phony credit cards

to purchase airline tickets at full-fare prices.

Then he's going to sell those to his customers at a lower fare

than any other travel agency can offer.

He's willing to be 50-50 partners with you, Keith,

or give you $25,000 a card.

25G. And there's no risk involved for you.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Look, Keith, Johnny told me everything.

Yeah, Really?

Come on, Keith. You can't beat this with a baseball bat.

Listen to this.

Look, man, if you ain't the top guy, tell me who is!

'Cause I ain't got time for games.

I don't like to be set up!

What are you talking about?

If I was trying to set you up, don't you think

the cops would be here with their guns out?

Oh, shit!

Help!

Jesus Christ! Who authorized this sting?

You did?

Well, that's great.

No, thank you, Sergeant. I think you done enough.

Let's get out of here!

Doesn't the billing department receive complaints?

From who? They're all dead.

Oh, then you have to go to Walsh.

No. He'll just tell me I fucked up my first legitimate job.

I got in myself, I'll get out myself.

You need evidence. That's in the system, and I can get it.

No. I don't want you involved. I am involved.

John?

Oh, Johnny.

I need credit card numbers.

I gave them all back to Keith.

Wait. I got receipts.

Here.

Shit! They changed my access code.

Johnny!

Seymour! Shit! Come on.

Lloyd, put the little dick in Dilton's office.

Eddie, check the mailroom.

That's it. I'm going crazy!

I have to get Seymour. Let me help!

No!

Hey, stupid!

Oh, you fuck!

Are we having fun?

Peek-a-boo, I see you.

Come on, let's go.

What about the tape?

Forget it. We got dead bodies.

Oh, wow. What are you doing here?

Ran out of donuts?

No. I came for credit.

You okay, Seymour?

Of course, he's okay.

I wasn't talking to you.

I thought by now you'd have your shit together.

Obviously, you don't.

Take us both to hell.

Johnny, shoot him. Shoot him!

Come on, test me out.

Shoot him, Johnny.

Close the door. Fuck you!

Close the fucking door!

What are you waiting on? Stay with her.

Hey! What the hell you guys doing?

What are you... Son of a bitch!

You are crazy!

Come on, Johnny! Get me out of here!

Yeah, come on, Johnny!

Catch me if you can!

You ain't saying nothing, bitch!

Watch the lady!

You're crazy !

Aw, shit!

Oh, shit!

Sorry!

Move it, you piece of shit!

Shit!

I got to go see my brother!

You again! You again!

Son of a bitch!

Damn!

Don't be sad.

Unit three to home base. I got a situation here.

You know something? I have no use for you anymore.

Son of a bitch!

Shit!

Where's my brother? I hope he's dead.

Then you're going to join him.

Oh, Johnny!

I'll kill you, you stupid fuck!

I'm a pretty good driver, huh?

That was close, Johnny.

Hey, where are you going?

Look at me.

I'm not going to hurt you.

Come here!

The difference between me and you, Johnny, is you play fair!

Hold this, Johnny!

I told you if you fucked me, I'd kill you.

Well, you fucked me!

Remember when I told you to kiss my ass?

Well, kiss my ass!

Here we are, Mr. Kahn.

Please, not so quickly.

Excuse me, nurse. What room is Johnny Stewart in?

I said, what room is Johnny Stewart in?

332, down the hall, to your right. Get out of my face!

Thank you.

Son of a bitch.

Yes?

Flowers.

You won't be needing these,

Jim.

Let's go, let's go! Come on, an emergency!

What's up?

Oh, am I interrupting something?

No, sixth toe.

Got you some flowers, bro.

Oh, how sweet!

No, he probably took them off some dead guy or something.

Yo, Johnny, I was thinking, and I came up with a master plan.

We sue the Dynasty Club and get paid for workman's constipation!

Look, no more scams.

You need to settle down.

With who?

I know a girl.

Is she cute?

Now, what's my name?

Is she cute?

What's my name?

Is she cute?

Seymour!

Hey, what's up?

Yes?

Long time, no see. You're looking beautiful!

I got you some flowers, baby.

Well, I got something for you, too!

Now, where were we?

♪ Mo' money, mo' money, mo' money

♪ Whoo

♪ Boy, when you look at me

♪ Feel you touch me by my cover

♪ You got to be kiddin' me

♪ You think that I'm that kind of lover

♪ I'm keeping my heart open

Hoping you won'! stab me in it

♪ 'Cause I've been in love before

♪ And lover, 'cause I understand

♪ The best things in life are free, yeah

♪ Now that I've discovered what you mean to me

♪ Don't you know it

♪ The best things in life are free

♪ We've got each other

♪ The best things in life are free' ♪

♪ Could never buy you love, no

♪ Could never buy you love

♪ Bu! I need new friends, I wanted to buy a Benz

♪ A trip around the world, yo, an oyster full of pearls

♪ Money can't buy you love

♪ Can't buy you happiness true love can bring

♪ Oh, no, money can't buy you love

♪ Can buy you diamond rings

♪ Well, money can't buy you love ♪

♪ Sweet dreams, from this don't wake me

♪ You couldn't even if you tried to shake me

♪ What do you want, 'cause I'm in a deep sleep

♪ No nightmare here, dear, I'm talkin' chocolate treat

♪ Slick and slippery, thick it's got to be

♪ It's mandatory that I make him a part of me

♪ I'll make the dream last, 'cause it seems

♪ I can only have him in my ice cream dream' ♪

♪ I adore you

♪ Vision of life, laying here beside me

♪ Diamond in the rough, glowing, oh, so brightly

♪ Knowing who I am and believing in who you are

♪ We surrender our love to the highest star

♪ That is why I can't help but adore you

♪ I adore you

♪ Come on, come on, come on

♪ Mo'money, mo'money, money, money, money

♪ Mo' money, money, mo' money, money

♪ Mo' money, money, mo' money, money

♪ Mo' money, money, mo' money, money

♪ Mo' money, money, mo' money, money

♪ Mo' money, money, mo' money, money

♪ Mo' money, money, mo' money, money

♪ Mo' money, money, mo' money, money

♪ Mo' money, money, mo' money, money

♪ Come on, come on

♪ Yeah, come on, come on

♪ Yeah, come on, come on