Original subtitles

[Music]

[Applause]

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[Applause]

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p

do do

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do do do

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do

enter squeeze me please

lady yes what is it I'm coming here for

to be learning the English you're ear oh

no I'm

Ali I beg your pardon my name is Ali Ali

Nadim I'm coming here for to be learning

the English ah yes yes you wish to join

our new start English as a foreign

language yes please and I'm hopping to

be

unrolled hopping to be unrolled like it

say in your

syllabus you mean hoping to be enrolled

that is what I said hoping to be

unrolled yes well I'm afraid you cannot

be

unrolled enrolled until the English

teacher arrives now she should be here

in a few minutes in the meanwhile

perhaps you would care to wait in the

classroom go down the corridor turn left

at the bottom and wait in room

five understand

no well let's start again go down the

corridor down Corridor good turn left

turn left

right but you were confusing me left or

right it's left look you just go down

the corridor turn left and wait in room

five room room five ah now I'm

understanding you room five yes jelly

good thank

you oh dare me I'm not going where I'm

looking no no I wasn't looking where I

was going that Ma is the two of us

excuse me

sorry

enter Mrs Courtney Miss oh sorry I'm

your new teacher Jeremy Brown ba Oxon

you're you're a man yes well this is

most unsatisfactory this won't do at all

I assure you my credentials are

impeccable academically perhaps I'm

talking about sex I also assure you my

morals are perfectly respectable too I'm

referring to the fact that you are a man

I distinctly requested the local

authority to send me a woman teacher

especially in view of what happened with

Mr wton Mr wton yes he was teaching

English to foreign students last term

I'm afraid he only lasted a month

then he departed dead

DED yes the strain was too much for him

typical of the male sex no stamina oh he

seemed to be able to cope at first and

then one day he just snapped it was

really quite disgusting really what did

he do climbed out of the classroom

window onto the roof took off all his

clothes and stood there Stark naked

singing I've got a lovely bunch of

coconut dist well there's no no need to

worry on my account I mean I'm not

likely to climb out of the classroom

window I know you aren't oh thank you

for your confidence it has nothing to do

with confidence we've had the window

frames nailed

down how very thoughtful well I really

would appreciate the job Mrs Courtney

Miss Miss Coury I am qualified and I

rather do need a job what with the

economic situation and inflation all

right there's no need to whimper you can

start immediately thank you on a month's

trial thank you if you last that long

I'll do my best so where will I find my

students class 5 down the corridor and

turn left right I'm looking forward to

meeting them I'm sure we're all going to

get along extremely

[Music]

well well I'm pleased to meet you all we

are also pleased to be meeting

you I am Brown oh

no you are committing a

mistake mistake yes please you are not

brown we are brown you are

white uh my name is brown I am your

teacher ah you

Professor I st

thank you right uh would you all like to

sit down sit down

ass right I'll just uh take a note of

all your names nationalities and

occupations

right

I haven't the faintest idea what you're

saying but I'm sure you're not trying to

find the needle work

Club it doesn't matter have a seat

for sit down

ah no not

there

there

right I'll just go around the class and

uh take your names ah yes what is your

name maximilion Andrea arimis Pap

Andra I think I'll just put you down as

Max uh take it your Greek he's right

from Athens good and what is your job uh

I walk with

sheeps you walk with

sheep you're a Shepherd you work on a

farm h no no not fat but you just said

you work with sheep no no no no sheeps

big

[Music]

[Applause]

sheeps sheeps yes sheeps

toners T ters right I woke in office

good thank you and your name Ana Schmid

German

opair usual German efficiency German are

always efficient not

so Japanese much more efficient nine

Germans are the best Japanese make a

much better television and do

camelos no no please let us have no

racialism in this class all are equal

your name gvan

cello Italian

where do you work I work in Restaurante

Dei a waiter no not a waiter a

CA see I cook with a ravioli I cook with

spetti lasna I cook

everything a chef

okay your name and what is your name

me Jeremy Brown

you Max Anna Schmid giovan cello

[Music]

you you

oh yes yes write your name down good

good it's no good I need your name in

English no U no

u

certificate of registration Jamila ranja

housewife thank you

good and your

name I am Ali Nadim

from I'm working at the moment not

anywhere at

all you're unemployed yes

please only one day a week I'm working

what do you do then I'm going to the

unemployment

exchange for to be collecting my money

who blly me I get more money for not

being working then when I'm

working yes but before you discover this

secret of Eternal wealth what did you do

blim me I

worked the Taj Mahal in Delhi what no

p restaurant J Chap

and a, apologies for my lateness the OM

buus was going

backwards I'm sure there must be a more

logical explanation it is the absolute

truth I was told to be taking a number

27 Omnibus and I complied but it went in

a backward Direction no I think you

meant it was going the other way that is

the gft of what I'm saying a thousand

apologies all right uh perhaps you'd

like to sit next to Ali your Countryman

I cannot sit there it's impossible why

is it impossible I am sick oh

dear hope it's not contagious perhaps

you want to come back when you're better

I do not comprehend the gft of your

conversation you said you were sick no

no no no no no I am not referring to my

physical state of mind my religion is

sick and he is Muslim Islam is the only

true faith and Muslim follow a false

prophet how dare you be speaking of

God's holy messenger you damn fool siks

are unbelievers and infidels siks are

peace loving people and if you are not

careful I will have much pleasure in

dispatching you to your holy messenger

with this I will not tolerate any

religious intolerance I put that knife

away he called me an Infidel well he

didn't mean it did you most

definitely i d by the five rivers of

Punjab to slice your throat from there

to there oh ear to ear here to there

there to here there will be no throat

slicing in my class if you want to do

that sort of thing you should have

joined the sports and

pastimes put your knife away and be a

good trap and go and sit down how do you

feel about Roman Catholics oh I treat

them like my brothers good well you can

go and sit next to Giovani there in them

Gentlemen please you're here to learn

English not start a holy war and what is

your name ranit sing s and you're from

which country Punjab and what is your

job I am a very important member of the

British underground underground

what just the underground mind

that

under and your name Carol

nagasumi my name

COV Japanese representative of bushida

electronics very good very

good and finally your name for fa your

name

what is your

name no need to ask what nationality you

are what is your

job

treer tree ler what you like

trees

whiskey three see you working a she by

well Mr Brian yes thank you apart from

one attempted murder and a possible race

riot I seem to be coping reasonably well

well what I really came to inform you

about was the registration fees for the

students now it's £5 per head and I

should be grateful if you would collect

the money and bring it to my office in

your tea bre right I'll do that well we

have one thing to be grateful for anyway

six won't be raring its ugly little head

beg your P well in my experience it

isn't race or religion that causes the

problems It's usually the presence of

some foreign Beauty jealousies intrigues

all that sort of thing yes we looking at

my class I don't think we'll be too

bothered with anything like

[Music]

that I come to learn English I have I

come to the right

[Applause]

place

ENT Mrs Courtney Miss Miss I just

brought the registration fees for the

students ah good now how many students

have you nine so there should be £45 in

there well that all depends upon the

rate of exchange I don't

well uh not all of them had uh5 in

English money so I collected £950 in

Sterling and the rest is made up of

2,000 Yen 3,000

L 250 Peta 75 drma 50 Franks and 12 deut

marks according to this morning's

Financial papers that should give us a

profit of £142 A2

P then I suggest you take it to the bank

in the morning and convert it to English

currency right I'll do that oh by the

way how's the F fatal ah yes Danielle

well at the moment she's in the a te-

room with Italy Spain and Greece trying

to establish diplomatic

relations well I hope she's not going to

cause any bother oh no I'm sure she

won't look I'm going to sit here no is

it me who's going to be sitting here and

before you we'll sit over there and

before you we're sit over there you take

it a me who me you go back sit where you

were before no I sit here you not sit

here who's going to be stopping me

me yourself you think you're tough come

out

theide

okay where are you going we go outside

to have a the punch down you I'm going

to how you say knock his bloody block

off we see who a bloody blocker is a

knock

off just a minute what is all this about

I tell you Mr White Brown Excuse

me it's about where we sit what's wrong

with where you were sitting before it's

my eyes professor I've got to sit near

at the

front

here I see and I suppose it's got

nothing to do with the fact that

Danielle is sitting here too she

[Laughter]

is I never

noticed you see my eyes I'm a little

shorted and also I'm much a bigger liar

it's not true Mr Green the name is brown

you see I'm a color blind that's way

and Max I suppose you've got trouble

with your eyes as well have you oh no no

no my eyes are okay it's my

ears I am not hearing very well that's a

likely

story what you

say I say you both go back and sit where

you were sitting before now Sant

Mar I hope you don't think I was uh how

you say too forward

no no I'm sure you weren't in any way to

blame at

all teacher

Please Mr blown

yes please forgive my ress I apologize

but I Rost my way not to worry uh what

is your name Chung Suli sui and where

are you from democratic Leu of

China and what is your job SEC Chinese

theat very

nice right where should we put you uh

tarot how are relations between Japan

and

China depends on a

politic real

pointer

Japan light

wingle

China RTO

wingle I see are you light wing or left

Wingo right or left I for teaching of

chairman ma ah well in that case you

better sit next to Jamila the Indian

lady all right thank you right now we

will start by learning a few basic

English verbs and firstly we will take

the verb to

be I am English you are Chinese he is

Italian she is French

he is

Barbarian you are asking for a kick up

your big brown backside H Pay attention

please I am I am I am you are you are he

she or it

[Music]

is we are we

are you

[Music]

are they are are

I shall now go around the class and ask

you each to give me a sentence using the

verb to be to be to be tarot I am ah

sorry I

am very happy to be learning go

English very

good good iani he

is he is AA

fool good but not isida he is a fool yes

he is a

fool Max uh she

is she is

beautiful she is

wonderful she is yes yes thank you

much

one it

is it

is it is raining yo it is

raining is

[Music]

rain skip you for the

moment doesn't matter sit

down suie it

is it is duty of every citizen to

overthrow Imperial War so say chairman

M that's his opinion good Danielle we

are uh we are

lucky to have such

great

please very true I mean

uh

Ali you

are you

are you are waiting for me to speak an

answer well done and unfortunately I'm

not understanding the

question I want you to give me a

sentence using you are I

am no not I am you are for example you

are from Pakistan I am from Pakistan

good yes but now use you are but I

cannot say you are from Pakistan because

you are not are you repeat after me you

are English no no I from Pakistan what

am I you are confusing me you are stupid

poof

don't you

[Applause]

me sit down

please and there's really not much more

we can do until you all get the

textbooks I was telling you about what I

would like you to do is some homework

all right I want you to write me an

essay a short story about your life here

in things you do the things you

like and I'll see you all on

Wednesday ah Mrs courney Miss

Miss but I've just dismissed the class

for the night I think we've just about

covered all there is to for the first

session you're look at Tri land at the

weather job getting you down already no

no I'm fine never felt better there's

just one thing though yes that window

you nailed down the one Mr wurton

climbed out of what about I think we

ought to put a few more Nails in just to

be on the safe

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side

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p

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do

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do

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excuse me young man see seora are you in

Mr Brown's

class Mr Brown's class Brown Mr

Brown yes but are you in Mr Brown's

class English is a foreign language

for are you really as stupid as you

look never mind ah excuse me you are in

Mr Brown's class aren't you are you or

aren't

you doesn't Mr Brown teach you

anything

you yes please

Missy can I be assisting you in anywh

whatsoever last a

breakthrough are you in Mr Brown's class

no I am in

Corridor do you think you could give him

a message most certainly I am Miss

Courtney and I am ranit Singh just at

this particular moment I'm not really

bothered who you are I just want you to

give Mr Brown a message i' be very happy

to comply with the request would you

tell him I would like a word with him

most

certainly which word would you

like just say I want to speak to

him

foreigners

please settle

down thank you right good

evening yes well we appear to be some

missing I I hope they haven't dropped

out out oh please it not be surprising

me I am always thinking that seik son of

a guru was a Punjabi drop out I'm

hearing what you're saying you miserable

SP don't you two start again actually

you're late a thousand apologies for

this unforgivable tardiness but you are

all unavoidably detained in the corridor

by a lady see see do do I take it one

that you understood what Ranjit was

saying

oh sorry

I who was this lady who detained you in

the corridor oh

blamy I am forgetting your name she was

big lady very large

bosoms awesome very good yes so while

you're trying to remember her name

perhaps you better sit

down yeah now I hope you've all done

your

homework excuse me please I am

remembering the name Missy Courtney no

Miss Courtney yes absolutely the lady

with the large P she's wanting to see

you yes we she'll just have to wait

squeeze me please she's already

waiting she may be the Principal but I

have a class to teach now as I was

saying

about Miss large

um just caught me I was just on my way

to see you actually that's not the

impression I got well I sh be a moment

class it's all right don't bother I

merely wanted to tell you that you can

expect another student oh jolly good

more than meria you're not here to make

Mery Mr Brown no no it was just a figure

of speech when you better try teaching a

few figures of speech to your students

they seem to be in need of it I'm doing

my best

huh oh uh Miss Courtney yes this uh new

student what nationality can I expect

African oh African thank you right now

you remember I asked you all to write an

essay a short story about about your

life here in England hope you've all

done so have you good good well I shall

go around the class and ask each of you

to read out what you've written an

should we start with

you my life in England by Anna Schmid

good very

good yeah but go on there is no more

that's all there is yeah I have no time

to write more all that Mrs vka is

keeping me busy Anna do this Anna do

that she is a slave dri at M is vka

Walker what w is pronounced W your

employer's name is Walker yeah

vka do you know how many shirts Mrs vka

made me iron last night vka yeah

vka then I had to prepare a meal for the

and she may be a hard task

mistress but I don't think you ought to

call her that who Mrs Walker

Walker I was meaning the dog

that is why I'm having no time for

the homework yes well yeah not to worry

you really must concentrate on those w

sounds w v no W Danielle would you like

to read us your

essay what I like about in Glenn by

Melle

Daniel

tone6 good uh carry on Suzie yes Giovani

was that 8021 or

8012 uh 8021 don't never mind what

number it was you're here to improve

your English not shut up other students

you are absolutely right professori it's

just I'd like to improve my French as

well well you can do that in your own

time carry on Daniel thank

you I like England because the grass is

so green and the purple are so nice

people yes

especially as a

man quiet

quiet English men are so

Charming so handsome and so

[Music]

sexy silence

please yeah I think that'll do Daniel

but I've written much more all about the

things I like to do at

night yes well I don't think we better

go into those

I'll be reading all your essays later uh

Jam I don't suppose you've written

anything have you an

uh written anything no no look you

really really must start to speak a

little Jamila

speak no no no no no no in English you

must try to speak English look try

saying good evening

huh all right let's start with the good

good

good it's not difficult Jamila come on

good look you nearly said it then come

on

good please no

prompting

God EX on now try evening

evening it's not difficult janilla come

on

evening yes yes come

on good

yeah I know you can say good say evening

evening

[Music]

evening yes good good now put them both

together good

evening God

happening God heing

[Laughter]

good good well done we'll try some new

words later suie have you written

anything uh yes yes

fine what I like about

Ingram ingrant is becoming more

politically minded and gradually more

the overlow of decadent capitalistic

government as working classes become

more educated and EM communism as the

true way of

right workers Revolution getting nearer

with inevitable corpse of imperialistic

B intellectual

Society well if that's what you like

about England I wouldn't want to read

what you didn't

like

I have smaller

observation on young ladies

discourse that we

also

illustrate increas the knowledge of

English certainly ter go ahead with

respect young lady speak Road of copos

attitude typical of FY nipones Japan

civilized the country not like China run

by peasant Chinese not peasant Japanese

not fascist

all

Oh Come t uh please go and apologize

apologize yes I lose phaser not my photo

well never mind never mind his pho

please this is C Miss so sorry I'm Roger

Kenyan from the education Authority oh

oh they told me they were sending an

inspector round but I really didn't

expect he would be black he would be so

young my apologies but the authority

lies to check that the standards of the

evening classes are up to par I can

assure you that my standards here are

well over par I'm glad to hear it well

Mr Kenyon if you'd like to come with me

I'll show you around no no no please I'd

rather just wander around on my own if

you don't mind I usually get a much

clearer picture that

way so

everything all right everything's okay

good we have agree to differ oh right

excuse me pleas ah a new African pardon

yeah I've been expecting you me yes I

was told I'd have a new poop look it's

nearly time for our tea break so why

don't you just go to the back for a

minute and I'll take your particulars

later but please be a good Chap and

don't argue just go and sit all right

yes bu

[Applause]

yeah sit yes

please

okay

me

[Applause]

[Music]

S

[Applause]

my love there we are 10 P dear thank you

love that's it next oh there you you sit

here thank

you I get the coffee yes coffee black

thank you please coffee black hey I'll

get the coffee for Danielle too bad

sugar

messy how about the biscuit you like the

biscuit I would like that good I'll be

back a back the biscuits please look

wait your time

[Music]

Love

next

happening yeah good evening to your

coffee love God heaving

I heard you the first time tea or coffee

oh J

tea 10

P

happening 10 p o sure I'll pay for that

and a coffee for me please and a coffee

for

you are you Mr Brown yes oh I've got a

message for you from her ladyship oh

lady who yeah Miss Courtney she's been

in here and she wants to see you yeah I

know what she does want yes Mr

Brown you want to see me in my office

immediately careful let's coffee you'll

spill it that's

coffee cheers time again please oh

nothing Mr Brown thank you thank you

love package the biscuits please oh I'm

sorry we haven't any

left Mar oh good good you've uh come to

have a cup of

coffee

coffee yes coffee this

stuff thank

you

enter it is taking you 2 minutes 38

seconds exactly to come to my office

immediately I'm glad I didn't ask you to

take your time time well I'm sorry I was

detained well I thought I better tell

you that an inspector has arrived oh my

conscience is clear I beg your pardon

well apart from the odd parking ticket

I've never had any trouble with the

police an education inspector ah I see

I'm sorry how stupid of me

yes well he'll probably want to call in

on your class oh well don't worry I'll

uh deal with him you don't deal with

inspectors from the local Authority Mr

Brown you costed them and flatter them

and agree with everything they say well

I'll do that as well I expect he'll want

to see your register my register you do

have a register oh that register yes of

course well you better call it as soon

as you get back to your class right by

the way while you're here the local

Authority want me to fill in a few

details about you on this form now I've

got your name yes address yes sex

occasionally married sorry uh no I was

engaged once as a matter of fact I

proposed marriage but it uh didn't

really work out there was quite a lot of

opposition her father no her husband I

didn't realize she was married

at what do you do during the day oh well

nothing at the moment I'm afraid I'm

waiting for a suitable position and what

was your last position well I was

teaching at a secondary modern school

but I left I couldn't stand any more

beatings well I didn't think teachers

beat children anymore no they don't it

was the other way

around I think you better take this form

and fill it up yourself bring it back to

me later right and do be careful what

you say to the inspector of course oh by

the way the new student has arrived you

won't forget to add the name to the

register will

you

Danelle um what uh you do uh half class

I go and learn the English hey I'm going

to learn the English as well maybe we

learn together huh yes but what about

poor Max yeah what about poor Max I'm a

crying my eyes

out I have an idea I have lots of ideas

why not you and Max study together

huh always right class now settle down

please quiet now the first thing we have

to do before we do anything else is to

call the register right Ah that's quite

all right I expect you'll uh have a bit

of difficulty finding your way around at

first things will seem rather strange

yes very strange yes must be quite a

change coming from one of the

underdeveloped countries to our more

advanced way of life oh yes still your

people are doing remarkably well did did

you fly here fly how do you mean

buana fly in a big iron

bird quite a change from riding an

elephant unless you came by

jumbo English

joke very funny well perhaps you better

sit down right right I'm going to call

out your names and will you please

answer present

present Sally but wait until I've called

your name out sorry please ranit sing

present and correct please Gian Capello

see Professor no giovan not professori

not professori no you should address me

as sir sir

yes now I

understand

you have been to get

naed come again well to become a sir you

got noted by the

Queen the word is kned and I'm not that

kind of Sir maximilan Pap andrios

maximilan Pap andreos Mr Brown is

speaking to you is he

sorry you want something yeah are you

here or

not for sure I'm here Tero nagazumi

ass present anid present Su CH pleas

aladim

gift gift I'm surprising you

no each day I'm learning a new English

word and I'm finding that gift is

another word for

present very ingenious thank you very

much Danielle

fa present and I am all here

see that uh Jamila ranja H oh G

he yes you're here and Juan

santes present for you're here

PR I better take down your particulars

otherwise I make it into hot water ohuh

you are going to have a hard

bath no Ally it's just another way of

saying I may get into trouble

oh dear you have been committing some

Grievous

MISD not at all there's an inspector

from the local education Authority

coming round yeah the bigger boss yes I

suppose you could say that but from my

experience they're usually interfering

old

fogies you don't like them not

particularly frankly they're quite

useless and about as outdated as their

teaching methods I mean what's the point

of learning past participles cognate

objects or subordinate clauses it's far

more useful to try to teach a foreign

student how to order a meal or find

accommodation

you appear to have some rather UniQue

Ideas I suppose I have you know you

speak English fairly

well thank you yeah and what is your

name Roger Kenyon Roger Kenyon yes ah

Miss courtley I'm just uh completing the

register and getting the details of our

new student before that inspector chappy

no no Mr Brown I shall be a moment M

courtly what is your job inspector oh

but local

transport

local education Authority

oo I thought he was the new student the

new student is a female is she well you

didn't tell me that oh my apologies Mr

Kenyan and I do assure you that Mr Brown

will be severely dealt with I can't

remember when I last enjoyed myself so

much I beg your pardon enjoyed yourself

you know miss courney your Mr Brown is a

remarkable man I am he is yes his

teaching methods may be somewhat

revolutionary but they appear to work I

have always encouraged my staff to be

Forward

Thinking I'll pass on your comments to

the authority perhaps they Revis their

textbooks now if you excuse me I must

putting an appearance at the other

classes oh uh keep up the good work Mr

Brown and thank you very much for the

coffee I come with you Mr

Kenyon

blimy you are dropping a

clinker you mean clanger yes please yes

well all right let's continue with our

lesson uh get out your textbooks I'm

going to give you all a few exercises uh

excuse me Professor I can't do any

exercises why not I've got a bad

back excuse me I was looking for him ah

at last pity you didn't arrive half an

hour earlier why it might have saved me

a great deal of embarrassment with a

certain African gentleman oh yes he was

a school's inspector but I mistook him

for you you thought a gentleman was me

yeah the silly fool tried to pretend he

was a student and sit at the back to try

to catch me out but I saw through him I

GA you think he was a bit stupid oh

definitely thick as a brush was his name

Mr Kenyon yes do you know him I should

do I've come to collect him I am his

wife

[Applause]

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[Applause]

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[Applause]

[Applause]

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p

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

you

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do do

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do do do

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do do do

[Music]

everybody's oh Max can you help me sure

anything you want I'm in very big

trouble I kill

him who you kill the man who put you in

big trouble there is no man you're

gracious no it's my homework I know

finish it I haven't even started

it Mr Brown is going to be very angry

don't worry Giovani he's going to fix

everything yeah what

Sarah Okay who wants the homework only

10 P

each he hey 10 p no

okay

next how how how we know answers right

sure answers are right my land lady's

little boy write them

[Applause]

down

please where is Mr Brown is brown not

alive oh this is too bad he should be

here you want to give Mr blown a

massage

I presume you mean

message no thank you no I shall wait

until he arrives will give me an

opportunity to find out how much you

have learned she's precious little I

suspect but Madame we learn a lot for Mr

Brown quiet now quiet

quiet very well let's see if we can find

out how much you've learned from Mr

Brown Can anyone give me a sentence

containing the word uh

Catalyst Catalyst well come along

somebody

Catalyst yes in my country as

Spain most of the people are Roman

Catalyst I don't believe

it that's not right no Italy is a much

bigger Catalyst

country

quiet please good evening Miss cotney

it's all M good night yeah well I'm

sorry I'm late I was detained at the

paper shop Mr Brown I know the times are

hard but do you have to deliver

newspapers oh no no no I bought them

they're for the students as part of

their education well they certainly need

some

education yes well good evening what

is

squeeze me please I'm just this moment

arriving squeeze me again I'll go

what I come

back are you moving house oh not at all

I'm coming here straight from work oh

you got a job yes please I'm a traveling

saleman I go around nicking the

doors knocking that is correct what are

you selling oh blind me everything for a

master or a mistress I show you some

example maybe you will be wanting to buy

something no thanks I don't think that's

my size so sorry please this case is for

the lady peoples only and this case is

for the men people and everything very

cut

price ah look this please you not have

to be tying it and also if you are

dropping soup you'll be wiping it off

a jelly good plastic yes very ingenious

only 150 you wanting one no thanks I'm

telling you what I'm doing to you only

one point yeah don't

one how about jell good shirt ah it is

guaranteed 100%

substandard no thank you Ali you got any

socks plenty socks 50p only plenty only

yeah

H excuse I'm serving

okay I have a two right one two money

money

money now tell me anybody wanting any

under trousers all different colors H

only 50p Al please ah you are wanting

one I'm finding you a very good

pair lovely lovely red white and blue

just like Union J very patriotic but no

thank you have you any scar most

definitely for you only1 made in Hong

Kong Hong Kong I know buy from capary

state where workers exploited as cheap

laor oh ah anybody else wanting

something else

please you are exchanging your

mind not P Lane just sit down

everybody on tell sit down

right before we do anything else this

evening I want to find a monitor okay

you tell us where to look we find the

one giovan a monitor is a person who can

take charge of the class during my

absence somebody intelligent enough to

assume responsibility yeah and second

thoughts perhaps it's not such a good

idea after all please I think I'm making

good money D I think we'll alternate

have a different one each week it'll be

good experience for you right Anna we'll

start with you thank you yeah thank you

thank thank you if you'll just hand

these round and collect the homework

yeah yes Anna yes and from now on I want

to hear no more foreign languages spoken

in this class from the moment you come

in here you speak English all the time

is that

understood

now phito English only all right yes

good thank you now have you all got a

newspaper right well I'm going to ask

you each to read out a passage from the

newspaper and then we'll discuss it

together okay Max you start us

[Music]

off American hemby

bugged no Max

bugged hey my boss all the time say he's

bugged yes well that may be so Gian but

the word we're dealing with is bugged

Now read it again Max correctly

hamerican hemby

bug good now does anybody know what that

means ah

tarot it means American Embassy full of

little

insects now teror they're not that sort

of bouts listening devices J can you

read something from your

newspaper yeah read yeah read something

8 B yes well that's a

start

um late again ranit oh Mr teacher I am

apologizing most humbly yes well perhaps

next week you'll try and get here on

time I'm thinking next week I'm not

being here at all you leaving us I'm

going to be joining honorable

ancestors you mean you're going to die

most definitely I'm going to die by my

own hand please if you're wanting any

assistance

I'm I'm happy to be

helping I thought you didn't like sik

that is why I'm happy to be help you all

right Al this is no laughing matter I

think Grand Jeet is serious most

certainly I am well why are you thinking

of killing yourself I'm supposed to be

getting married oh you Randy old

chapati you are putting some innocent

lady in the pudding clubing nothing of

the starting Muslim T all right that'll

do look I don't understand Rie why are

you being forced to get married

according to the seik tradition I was

betro when I was 12 to surinder the

10-year-old daughter of the best friend

of my

father she was a beautiful girl with

hair like s

eyes like black diamonds and a figure

like a tender Bamboo shoe and now her

father is saying it is time for me to be

marrying her well if she's got eyes like

black diamonds hair like Silk and a

figure like a tender bamboo shoot what

are you complaining about BL me that was

20 years ago now she's putting on so

much weight that from behind she's

looking like an

elephant matter of fact she's looking

like an elephant from front

also can't you just tell her that you've

changed your mind not at all only lady

can change mind I am up the creek

without a

poodle in a battle you not do it it's a

sin to kill yourself this the only cause

which is left open to me when you do

this uh killing yourself

tonight can we come and

watch this is ridiculous people don't go

around killing themselves rather than

break off an engagement but it is my

religion in that casee why don't you

marry that'll be worse than killing

myself well go and sit down we'll

discuss whether you kill yourself or not

during the tea braak would you all look

at your new there is an Indian lady in

my office who wishes to speak to Mr

Ranjit Singh excusing me Missy this lady

is she resembling an

elephant I wouldn't exactly put it like

that but she's rather large L is

surrender well ask her to come along

here miss Courtney would you that's very

irregular well it is rather important oh

very well but don't make a habit of it

what are you doing that for well so we

can talk to her perhaps make her see

reason it's not any way possible I kill

myself come on put ma hold up where is

he he's not here yet ah I wait for him

in the carar he is promised to me and I

swear by holy Guru he is having

me

well what am I telling you yeah I quite

see your point about an

elephant still don't worry ran I'm sure

some elephants are very nice can I have

a niif bag please promise you won't kill

yourself promise killing myself is not

going to help me it's the attitude

I have much better idea I kill

[Applause]

her yeah you're uh still there

yes I still here I really think you

ought to go home no I wait for Ranjit

well I don't think Ranjit will be coming

tonight I

wait she she being out in Corridor yeah

I'm afraid so R look Miss Courtney is

not going to be very pleased when she

finds out about this oh dear me what am

I going to be doing why can't you just

tell her you're not going to marry her

but I am not going to be marrying miss

me I am referring to surrender oh no if

I am telling her that she's surely going

to kill me ah you said you were going to

kill yourself that is correct yeah

please in

my personal

commut Hara K it is custom for best

friend to be present to chop of head

chop of head hi

I will be happy to assistant you will do

nothing nothing of the sort oh now

please everybody just sit down you're

here to learn English we've had enough

disruption for one night you should

leave your personal problems at home now

look at your

newspapers Juan read out a

headline the newspaper I see newspaper

yeah read something out ah H have oh

sorry

increase in London

rats London

rats increase in London

rats

R Yeah Anna your

turn this Western V welcomes vent of

change wonderful

very

Danielle prime minister sold a pup good

now that is a very good example of a

figure of speech prime minister sold a

pup can you tell me what that means

giovan he's buying a

dog

no it's a figure of speech look let me

give you another example prime minister

sold a dummy do you know what that means

sure did you understand it yeah it's

just one thing I don't understand does

he buy the dummy before or after he buy

the

pup he doesn't buy

anything the newspaper man's a big a

liar a figure of speech I told you it's

just a figure of speech it doesn't mean

what it says typical of Imperial

politicians who distort Luth and Suess

working classes thank you a figure of

speech is a way of expressing an idea by

way of contrast or comparison if you're

being sold a pup or sold a dummy you're

being cheated or deceived in England we

use figures of speech quite a lot for

example we say as quick as Lightning as

light as a feather as clean as a whistle

as blind as a suly as blind as a bat

good because bats cannot see Max as deaf

as

a

postman

no Max post because posts cannot hear

neither can my

Postman Al as Sly as a

seek Fox ranit as mad as a

Muslim hat Taro as drunk as a

NE now Lord is more correct

Jamila as white as

you snow

Ali as smooth

as baby's

buttoms all right we'll break for tea

now and continue with the uh newspapers

when we come back all right please how

am I going to be getting out without

being observed by the fat

one well that's your problem my problem

is how to get her off the premises

before Miss Courtney finds her

oh look I I really think you ought to go

home no I

stay what is going on what is going on

what is going on um yes well I'm talking

to this lady why is she here well she's

talking to

me why is she sitting in the corridor

why is she sitting in the cage must you

repeat everything I

say

I could have sworn that woman wasn't

pregnant

yesterday you're safe

now thank

you what you do now

maybe I jump out of the window you be

lucky we're on the third

floor Mr Brown I have a feeling that

something very peculiar is going on no

no everything's perfectly all right I

can assure you are you going yes to get

a cup of

[Laughter]

tea

I

ah that was sounding like myit where is

he now I told you he's not here excuse

me de huh are you looking for the

fell with the beard and the bandage

around his head what yeah he's just gone

behind those

[Laughter]

cut come out Ranjit I am knowing you are

there come

[Laughter]

out what is the meaning of this I am

noticing Windows very dirty so I'm

cleaning the for you I like very much

cleaning windows in the pitch dark now

come in off that window ledge at once

more

certainly a thousand

[Music]

apologies I my yeah well hurry up cuz

tea breaks nearly yeah go on I'm going

to join my ancestor don't keep them

waiting too long byebye everybody bye

I'm doing it

now this is it

D come on hurry

[Music]

up maybe I'm having a cup of coffee

before I do

it Rie we all know you haven't the

slightest intention of killing yourself

so put your knife away and let's discuss

this properly now sinder as I understand

it you and ranit here were both

betrothed when they were children most

definitely now he's not wanting to

marrying me yeah well you can't get

married unless you love each other it is

his duty to be marrying me otherwise I'm

losing my face I think she's lost it

already you wouldn't be happy together I

mean can't you just agree to release

rangi from his promise and what is to

become of me well I'm sure you'll meet

somebody else

ah if I think I'll meet another man

oh I most gladly released RIT you would

most

certainly but who is having me now you

know Sur that there is something Mr

Brown is not telling you there is oh yes

indeed he has special reason for wanting

you not to be marrying me I

have He is wanting to marry

himself he is wanting to be marrying me

I wanted to marry her oh I

[Applause]

accept hello Mr Brown good evening lce

Hey when's the happy day then there's

not going to be any happy day it was all

a complete

misunderstanding Oh What A pity and I

thought you and Serinda made a lovely

couple with all due respect she was a

couple on our

own

evening right before we start I've

checked your homework last

night and I have a feeling that there's

been some sort of chicanery going on we

not know what you mean no Giovani well

I'll tell you firstly there's the fact

that five of them are all in the same

handwriting it's a sheer

coincidence

and is it also a coincidence that you

all answered question seven as follows

question explain what is wrong with the

following sentence my dogs is in the

garden answer I do not have a

garden you call me

Tippy yes well you will all receive

extra homework

tonight and please this time make sure

that you do it

yourselves I am apologizing again but I

am delayed by surinda well I thought

she'd agreed to releasee you from your

marriage Val oh yes she has but her

father is coming to see you about your

marriage Val look there's not going to

be any wedding I have broken it off oh

dear me how

painful I have written to Serena's

parents explaining that I cannot

possibly marry their daughter I've also

pointed out the differences between our

religious and cultural backgrounds and

the fact that I have no intention of

marrying anyone

a you should have got the letter that

moment oh yes he did that is why he's

coming he's hoping to be slicing you

into many

pieces he's saying you are bringing

disgrace on his daughter don't be

ridiculous this isn't a Punjab it's

England a civilized country people just

don't go around slicing each other up

and I should tell him

so where is this IL legitimate offing of

a six leged C oh blame me I am not

knowing where he is he's not here he

has

[Music]

[Applause]

go

[Applause]

[Music]

do

[Music]

do do do

[Music]

do

[Music]

thank you

dear isn't it time we went back to the

class we okay yet we wait for giovan

come and sit down Sit

Char this is Sid the caretaker most

happy to be making your acquaintance

nice to meet you you want a cup of

coffee seed he a cup of coffee no thanks

no I shouldn't have a sure you can

have a a Max cigarette for

seed very kind of

you sit is going to talk to us what is

he going to be talking about anything is

to improve our English instead of us all

the time speak to each each other we

speak we see I think that's a good

idea what are we going to talk about you

like to talk up I'm a bit M

Jeff excuse me who are these M

Jeff M Jeff is Jeff ah excuse me what

are we going to talk about oh I don't I

T to see in recipe plates for

me excuse please I am not seeing any

plates of

meat now plates of meat is

feet your feet are plates of

meat yeah it's slang you see it's dead

easy if you use your uncle

Ned Uncle n huh now uncle Ned your uncle

Ned Uncle Ned Uncle Ned yeah Oh you mean

he's

crazy no I think youo think you're

taking a Mickey out of me no well we're

interested in everything you tell us

yeah you're already teaching us words we

not learned before yes please teach us

more yeah all right I'll tell you what

happened to me last night yes please

well I went home and I had a bull in a

cow with a travel and stripe you see it

was all over the dust LDS so I went down

the Frog and towed into the RAB up and I

met an old China plate it looked a bit

Uncle dick so I got him a jackor Dandy

and I

had that thing L to the we both got bres

and

list I staged on took all me Dicky hurt

and me Daisy roots and fell backward on

the A and

pear we are better off talking with each

other isn't it time you were all back in

the classroom sorry Pro sry we we've

just been talking with s oh yeah I've

been trying to help them with their

English Mr Brown that should set them

back a few weeks B pardon oh it doesn't

matter oh all right we're not

understanding a word he's saying Mr

Brown he's telling us about his uncle

dick and somebody called Jack The Dandy

and Bramson

list he was speaking and rhyming slang

and all the time we think he's

English he is English he's what is known

as a copney you see rhyming slang is

merely using words that rhyme with the

word you wish to use for example mince

pies are eyes plates of meat are feet

yes I understand Uncle Ned is hey that's

right and what is Uncle

dick

I presume that's uh sick and Jo to Dandy

Brandy and the brahs a

list

drun that's not a rhyme yeah well it's

near enough come

on what is going on in here where is Mr

Brown oh he will be here in a minute

he's coming from the T

room

10 minutes is the normal time allowed

for Te Mr Brown yes of course we were

discussing parts of speech well in

future I'd be obliged if you do it in

the class certainly now then how are

your students coming along with their

English extremely well good then I shall

stay and listen for a few minutes ah

don't worry I sh

interfere I make it a practice to drop

in on classes from time to time to see

what sort of progress is being made it's

uh beef strogov in the cookery class

tonight are you trying to get rid of me

no I just thought you you might uh fancy

a bit I

mean well I don't so will you please

begin right for the rest of this period

we're going to talk about shopping oh I

like him he's very

good shoing I like his

[Music]

polles giovan that's um that's chopan he

must have Miss heard me now we're going

to talk about shopping buying things now

I have here various items which at some

time or another you'll all probably have

to purchase so I'm going to hold them up

and ask you to identify them and we'll

see how well you do all right who should

we start with Allie yes please what is

this apple

yeah lovely jelly good you're not

supposed to eat it oh I'm most sorry I

only had a small

bite as well finish it now suie what is

this it is

orange orange

ore that's better you really must work

at those R sounds I try very hard try

saying around the rugged Rock the Ragged

Rascal

R long the LED lock the

LED yes you're going to have to keep

practicing Anna what is this paper

bag yes but what's inside it I do not

know I cannot see inside well it's

flower you know what flower is yeah what

you wear at a

wedding no no it's not that kind of

flower this is flower to make pastry and

bread ah Vice

mail Jamila what is this

G yes I'm sure you're right but what is

it in English

have you never heard of a

carrot carrot yes

carrot oh huh Horus and

garrot T no no no no jimina that's horse

and cart this

is this is a carrot right uh who can

tell me what these are fish fingers good

hold on then excuse please no Al They

Don't Say

what do I not say you were going to say

something about fish not having fingers

yes please yeah well don't

bother Max tomato good

Taro

potato potato ah

so uh Giovani lier juice good one cow

juice

no

milk I see

milk you know where we get milk from

ju The Milk

Man please we we get milk from cows Baka

cow

R Corn

Flakes no oats

oats ah that is oats my friend who I'm

working with every morning he's telling

me last night he's having his

[Applause]

o he's telling me he's liking them very

much yeah I'm sure he

does who can tell me what this is B good

and where does back bacon come from and

the

Milkman bacon does not come from the

milk every week I buy the bacon from the

Milkman pig pig pig you are calling me a

pig you are a pig you Italian ravioli ah

shut your plates of meat you

Uncle all right that that'll do one what

Giovanni was trying to say is that bacon

comes from a

pig Now can anyone tell me what we call

a pig after it has been killed yes

please it is dead

pig no Ali you know that's po right uh

what is this anybody tin of meat yes

well actually it's a tin of dog meat oh

blim me you are putting dogs in tins to

eat I think I've heard enough they are

better than they were they could hardly

be

worse she's absolutely right you know

some of you are very behind with your

English I mean I spend a lot of time

preparing these lessons and some of you

don't take them half as seriously as you

might it's time you all put your

shoulders to the wheel what wheel please

learning I think you better stay a half

hour extra

tonight it's Friday night and I got a

date well I don't care I want you to do

all the exercises on page 53 all of them

and you don't go until you

finished

good

[Music]

night I've locked up the Tea Room Sid

thanks glad you find your drink girl no

Char I want to get home oh I must have a

p my throat spitting feathers

oh

all

right what was that I think it is

somebody at the door come

in hello is anybody

there Cheerio said see you Monday

right

[Music]

Bud oh it's so good I can't get it open

I know why not we smash the door up

down it's worth a try all right stand

back everyone be careful of

splinters you haven't broken the door I

think I've broken my arm we are all

going to

die don't be so dramatic maybe we all

Shout again I don't think my could stand

anymore hey look there's a man in the

street help

help he won't hear us from up here wave

to

him he's seen us good he's a waving

back he obvious he thinks we're just

being friendly ah he's a g we are all

going to die nobody is going to die what

we need is something to attract the

attention of the surise yeah Danielle

should wave from window by herself yes

it still may not be sufficient to

attract enough attention it would if she

took her clothes

off that's a good idea no it

isn't sit down everyone good we'll just

have to think this one out must be a

simple solution and well if there isn't

we'll just have to stay here till

somebody misses one of us but what if

nobody is missing anybody we could be

being stuck here to together until

Monday morning oh we are all going to

die Ali nobody is going to die only you

is going to die me yes cuz if you say

we're all going to die once more I shall

strangle you now there are 11 of us here

it's quite obvious that sooner or later

one of us will be missed will you be

being missed sir well no but I live

alone in a flat but for example take

Danielle I would love to take

Daniel I am sure that being an oair your

English family will miss you when you

don't return no they're away for the

weekend well Anna what about your

English family are they away no they'll

obviously be worried no no it's my

weekend off I was spending it mid

Daniel we're all going to

die well terara what about you you're

married I mean w't your wife miss

you wife already missing me well there

you are unfortunately she is with Miss

paren in

Tokyo well what about you giovan I mean

you work in a restaurant surely your

employer will miss you yeah Sur he's

going to miss me yeah so presumably

he'll do something about it

yeah he's going to give me the

sack look somebody is bound to miss

somebody and if the worst happens then

we'll well don't worry we can survive

the weekend we've got plenty of food and

drink just have to keep our spirits up

try and keep cheerful think of things to

do to pass the time away I tell a joke

good idea giovan we'll all tell jokes

that'll help pass the time go ahead

GI okay now there was this man see and

he had Gang Green in the lake you sure

so you sure this is a joke sure it's a

very

[Music]

funny anyway he goes to the hospital to

have the leg chopped

off after the operation when he comes

back to being conscious he sees the

doctor looking very

worried what's the matter doctor he

say the doctor reply seor I have the bad

news and I have the good

news so the man say hokey

coie give me the bad news and the doctor

say I've choppered off the wrong

leg Santa Maria the man say well what it

the good news and the doctor say your

other leg is getting

better what that's a

joke very Dr another Uncle

Ned anybody else got a funny

story do you know it take two sixs to

milk one goat two yes please one to be

holding the tits and one to be pulling

the goat up and down up

and and do you know that in Pakistan

they have no ice because the man who is

knowing to be making ice has

immigrated are you saying all pakistanis

are stupid no just

you sit down no more racialist jokes

please anybody else got a funny story

what f a funny story a

joke

foreign fore spee

[Applause]

foree

very very

good well I'm sure that was extremely

hilarious if you only knew what it was

about Tara what about a Japanese joke in

English

please old Japanese prb

say men who seduces girl on hill

side not on the

level it's

very

Su what about a sample of Chinese humor

in Democratic Republic of China we have

no time for decadent B

humor no I don't suppose you

do Danielle what about you oh I have a

French joke for you good yes I tell you

about the Catholic priest yeah that

sounds better yes come on no no

[Music]

no well there were this priest out

walking and a jeam comes up to him and

say fza come quickly there's a man on

top of the Eiffel Tower and he's going

to jump so the father goes to the Tower

and sees this man what are you doing

you're mad think of your family think of

your wife so the Manny says my wife has

left me I have no family so I jump so

the priest he tries one more time so he

says but it is a sin against the

Catholic church and the man he says I am

not a Catholic okay says the priest

jump

yes Anna what about a German joke I do

not know any jokes hey professor why

don't you tell us a joke

huh all right I'll tell you one that I

heard at my last school one of the boys

was sent home one day and his father

asked him why was he sent home and he

refused to tell him so the father went

to see the Headmaster and the Headmaster

said I'll tell you why your son was sent

home when one of the teachers asked him

who pushed over the walls of Jericho he

said it wasn't me so the father said

well if he said he didn't do it you

didn't do

it excuse please what's the matter Alie

didn't you understand the joke yes but

uh what I don't understand who did push

down the walls

of oh well uh anybody else got a joke no

oh never mind what about a singing song

I am knowing good English sing song all

about rolling me over in the

clo one thank you uh does anybody know

Daisy is she

beautiful it's a song Daisy goes like

this Daisy Daisy give me your

answer

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

I'm

[Music]

[Applause]

excellent right what should we sing next

can't we have a rest I don't know that

one is it French oh what you mean uh yes

I'm sorry uh can anybody tell me the

exact

time 3 minutes after 11 good only

another 58 hours till Monday

morning what my wife's an angel you're

lucky mine's still

living what's up

hello what's up I must be as Dr as you

are there's a teacher waving at me

through the window I I must be worse

than I thought I can see him and I don't

even know him

I hope you haven't dragged me down here

on a wild goose Chas I'm telling you I I

definitely saw them it's most

inconvenient it's not my fault if I lost

the key in the front door of course it's

your fault you silly little

man at last Miss Courtney how nice to

see you I'm afraid I can't return the

compliment come on come on on you go

good night sorry about all that come on

now

quickly I I'll go and see if there's

anybody else

about I really I'm very sorry I should

hope you are hope it hasn't

inconvenienced you well of course it

inconvenience me I was quite happily

curled up in bed with dney de

Mario I am really sorry about this oh uh

I've uh now what's the matter I've left

my shopping in the class Heaven sake

hurry up and get it thank

you

For Heaven's Sake are you going to take

all night no I'm just putting these

things away do hurry

up

Sid

Sid

Sydney we're locked in oh we M some

Panic we can last out till Monday

morning have a carot let's have a sing

song shall we should we start with d

goes Daisy

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

days

[Applause]

p

[Music]

do

[Music]

good evening everyone even all right sit

down good evening good Heavens rangi

you're actually here on time yes well

done oh yes thank you R and uh thank you

for carrying

it oh yes thank you very much thank

you you're Spanish

Creeper Italian all right settle down

everybody we've got a a lot of work to

do

tonight right squee please uh just sit

down a minute har will you no thank you

I'm only coming to tell you I'm not

coming not coming yes please well but

you can't leave in the middle of a term

I mean you were doing quite well why do

you want to leave oh blimy I'm coming up

on the puddles coming up on the puddles

yes please the football pudles the

football yes and I'm getting eight

scaring draws how many draws on the cap

on only the eight I'm

getting how much you win oh blimy it

could be half a million pounds Santa

Maria I'm very happy for you because you

are my my best

friend he's also my

[Music]

friend I am the true friend of Al you

but of course we are practically bloody

Brothers I thought you didn't like

Muslims I love Muslims especially when

they're having half a million pound well

I don't know what to say Ali I mean I'm

very pleased for you of course I'm also

being very pleased for me y what will

you do oh blim me I'm going to the bed

to bed yes please with all that money

I'm not needing to be working so I'm

going to bed yeah you mean you're going

to retire most definitely yeah you're

quite sure you've got eight score draws

oh yes I got the copy here please the

one I'm taking

off I see yeah well Ally I don't think

you're going to be able to retire just

yet you mean is not got the eight

drawers oh yes he's got the eight he's

got eight drawers oh good they're not

all on the same line

what difference is that making well that

means you haven't won anything nothing

at all nothing at all H Bell

Los typical of that Muslim Twi no brains

whatsoever oh blamy you are changing

tune when you are thinking that I very

wealthy you are being my bloody brother

that is before I am finding out you are

bloody stupid don't bloody stupid you

Beed baboon yeah quiet the pair of you

and and sit down I I presume you're

staying now Al I'm staying now yes good

right now this evening I thought we'd

try some practical use of the English

Language by acting out various

situations that you might come across in

real life now we'll start with you tarot

a

so now you are going to the bank bank

yes sir where you going

Banker no it's only a pretend Bank

Pretender yes sir yeah yes look we

imagine that this table is the bank

counter that I'm the bank clerk that you

are a customer and you've come in to

cash a check all right okay good morning

sir it is not good morning time it is

good night time yes it is now but we are

pretending awesome Kelly thank you good

morning sir one moment what is it now

are you backo or mid

Lando doesn't matter Midland if you like

good morning sir

goodbye

goodbye mid

Lando not my

bank B my bank yeah all right it's

Barclays good morning sir good morning

you wish to cash a check yes please good

how much 10 20 30 30 how do you want it

in money

please £3 in tens ones or fives or what

can I have the 30 five so oh that would

be £ 150 ah sorry for mist yeah well not

to worry thank you Tera that's not too

bad now who should we have next ah

Danielle

you are the nicest Banker I have seen

yeah so we're not in the bank now I want

you to imagine something different I

have very good imagination yes I'm sure

you have now I want you to uh you you

were going to the post office and I am

the assistant

oh excuse me can you help me certainly

madam what is it you wish how much it is

a letter to post uh is it to somewhere

in England no it is a Swiss letter a

Swiss letter yes I write to my boyfriend

in Switzerland yeah well it's more

correct to say that you want to send a

letter to Switzerland not a Swiss letter

it could be rather embarrassing if you

were writing to someone in

France oh it doesn't

matter I think I need some extra English

lesson maybe I could stay here with you

after class now I don't think we could

do that well I I come home with you and

you can teach me a lot sir yes I'm sure

I could but I think you know quite

sufficient already now now is there

anything else you want yes but I cannot

tell you

here from the post office no nothing

well all right thank you Danielle

that'll

do now uh

Juan you are going to the employment

exchange but you're going to get a to

get a job ah I have job yeah I know that

but we're assuming that you don't and

that you're going to the employment

exchange to get one as I explained to

terara we are just pretending ah sry ah

right what is your name you know my

name this I do with the clerk at the job

center doesn't ah see Juan

fantes right are you

married I'm married to uh

[Music]

Gina don't be ridiculous

pretending too sh all right what sort of

a a job are you looking for a Plenty

Money job yeah but what sort of work do

you want to do in order to earn this

Plenty Money plenty

little all right one thank you that'll

be sufficient P I like it a very good

game thank you right now

ranit what is it you're wanting me to do

uh you are going to the doctors and what

is the nature of my complaint well let's

just say that you don't feel well but

I'm never feeling better yeah pretend

you have a cold a cold

what all right let's forget about the

cold just imagine that you have a pain

very well

sir well go on a thousand apologies I am

waiting for you to say next please dror

always say next

please next

please good morning doctor good morning

and uh what seems to be the trouble I

have terrible pain whereabouts in my

imagination you're supposed to pretend

it's a real pain a thousand apologies

again I have real terrible pain good now

whereabouts is this pain in my

foot

but his brains are

hurting your back are will be hurting in

a moment oh blimy you couldn't even

crack a papum I'll give you bunch of

fers I'll give you bunches

of it's caught me what on Earth is going

on in here well we were just having a

few practical lessons what in unarmed

combat oh it might come in

useful well I'm afraid your students

will have to do without you for a little

while you're wanted down at the police

station the police station there's no

need to look so guilty it's nothing

you've done it's about one of your

students the Indian lady oh Jamila what

has something happened to her yes she's

been arrested for

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

shoplifting

hello Constable Wilkins where the devil

are you you should have been pakia by

now pardon no I will not send a panda

car for you I don't care if someone has

pinched your bicycle pinch somebody

else's would you like a cup of

tea

J oh yes please no thank you for sugar

Don't Run

Away J are you all

right what did she

say in English excuse me please she's

saying that she's very glad that we are

coming to help her

Escape ask her what she

stole well nothing she must have said

more than that yes please she's saying

that she took a book from the newspaper

shop but the book was free well there's

obviously been some misunderstanding

I'll I'll sort it out with the police

will they be sending her to prison no no

no no nothing as drastic as that I'll

have a word with the sergeant £5 ought

to do it ah I'm understanding that is a

fine no no no it's not exactly a fine

let's just say it's a little gift gift

yes it's an Old English custom I scratch

your back you scratch mine ah you

scratch my back I scratch yours that's

right very well or are you being itchy

no no no no

sure God

heing good evening good evening are you

Mr Brown no he's Mr Brown I was speaking

to him this you right first time who are

you Ali Nadim no I am Ali Nadim you are

Mr Brown yes Al I'll do the talking all

right you just leave it to me now I'm

sure we can sort this out inspector the

commissioner looks after promotions here

sir yes well you look like an inspector

I'm sure it's only a matter of time may

I compliment you on your station and

what a wonderful job you're doing thank

you sir now about this young lady ah yes

I expect you'd uh like to have a look at

my driving license what for well to

verify my identity you said you were Mr

Brown yes but you want some proof don't

you look if you tell me you're Mr Brown

I accept that as the truth yes but I

could have been lying were you lying and

no he's definitely Mr Brown he's telling

the

truth I insist you look at my driving l

oh very well if it'll make you

happy is this yours sir pardon this5

note it was inside your driving license

are you sure it could have dropped out

of your trouser pocket oh yes and

dropped upwards I suppose onto the desk

you might have had it tucked up your

sleeve yes and I could have a couple of

doves up the other but I haven't it was

definitely in your license yes Sergeant

is correct I remember you putting it

there not a moment

ago I forgot it was just before you said

you scratch my back and I scratch yours

thank you George Washington no I am Ali

yeah Ali just just be quiet please now

Sergeant about this young lady yes the

accused yes well remember British

Justice I mean a person is presumed in a

until proven guilty and this poor lady

is innocent I know that I just because

she's an immigrant you can't go picking

up pardon oh she pinched the book all

right but she thought it was buak shei

see what it says on the front cover but

fre inside color supplement that's right

H and she thought the whole thing was

free yes ah well then it's not her fault

if anyone's to blame it's the person

who's been teaching her

English it's not always easy well if

that's all we'll be getting along come

along jam oh

before you go

sir would you like to make a donation to

our police charity fund yes well you've

caught me at rather an awkward moment

what about the fiver you remember sir

the one you thought you never end oh

that fiver you know what they say Sir

what you've never had you never miss

unless of course you knew it was there

all the time in which case it would come

under bribery and

Corruption you scratch my back and I'll

scratch yours

see Mr Brown is not back what are you

doing at the moment we are studying our

English glamour good how far have you

got let me see your

book Giovani Miss Courtney would like to

see your book I want to see your

book thank

you the affairs of a call

girl I thought it was about the

adventures of a telephone operator Hest

a likely

story well until Mr Brown returns I

shall take the class

Senora where are you taking

us I am not taking you anywhere I'm

going to ask you a few questions on

General Knowledge hello now first of all

can anyone tell me who said to be or not

to be please you just said it yes but

before I said it who said it excuse

please yes chairman

ma it may come as a surprise to you to

know but other people wrote things

besides chairman ma chman ma light

everything well he certainly didn't

light right to be or not to be now does

anybody know William Shakespeare correct

excuse please who is this William spear

Shake

Shakespeare thousand apologies are you

not familiar with Shakespeare's works is

it a big place is what a big place these

works of

Shakespeare I am referring to the things

he wrote oh excuse now then can anyone

tell me what the population of England

is M SMI yeah

English

not any

longer however what I really meant was

how many people are there I do not know

I have not counted them well let me ask

you a simple question Mr nagazumi a

so can you tell me how many peas there

are in a pound depend on size of

peace I think you had better all go back

to studying your books until Mr BR

returns you surely can't be much

longer how wish she tell us why she's

brought us back here she just said she

was having something to show

you

B she's saying thank you for saving her

from the police and hopes that you will

do the same next time well I hope

there's not going to be a next

time free offer two P off each tin huh

Supermarket

Supermarket well they've obviously been

having a oh no free offer you haven't

been taking things from the

supermarket

oh de me say that again oh dear

me you must go back and see the police

sergeant and scratch his back

again can't do that he'll never believe

this was a mistake I mean pinching a

magazine is one thing but knocking off

half a supermarket's a rather a

different matter on the other hand we

can't let Jamila keep all these stolen

goods it's just is dishonest she can

give them to me I don't mind being

dishonest I'm sure you you don't now now

listen Aly I want you go back to the

school and ask all the students to meet

Jamila and I outside the supermarket

what are we going to be doing we're

going to be putting all these things

back oh hello Dad is everything locked

up uh yes Miss Courtney uh by the way I

don't suppose you could give me a lift

well I'm sorry gladus I'm not going

straight home tonight there are one or

two things I want from the

supermarket

right now you all know what to do just

be very very careful that nobody sees

you all

right

what are you doing here ah uh yeah well

I suppose you could say it was an

extracurricular activity sir excuse me

he's stuck what are you doing do with

that help yeah it's a long story Miss

Courtney I'll explain later let me give

you a hand pull

pull all right I've been watching you

lock just what do you think you're doing

would you believe we were putting things

back no I didn't think you

would well well well regular little

Fagan aren't you I can explain Sergeant

you're not going going to show me your

driving license again are you no that's

a relief you see we were actually trying

to return the goods I mean ask the

students now look here Sergeant it was

obviously just a misunderstanding and I

see no reason why you should pursue this

any further I'm sorry madam Miss if you

don't mind

yes well I'm afraid I should have to

make a report out on this affair oh look

couldn't you just forget it ever

happened no well I'm sure your police

charity fund wouldn't say no to another

contribution s

well we're always grateful for anything

sir uh should we say another 55 that's

very generous of you oh right right come

along

everybody just a moment Mr Brown where

are you going I've not made out my

report yet yeah but I've I've just given

you5 to uh forget it oh no sir you very

kindly donated £5 to our charity fund it

wasn't meant as a bribe was it sir no

good

now let's take a few names you madam

sorry

Miz

Cockney thank you you sir say what's

your

name how do you spell

that that's not his name oh giving me a

false name

eh I'll come back to you Mr Po faor or

whatever your name

is you yes please is what is your name

oh no what is not my name I don't want

to know what your name is not what is

your name and I'm telling you it is not

you what is his

name nine aha now we're getting

somewhere Mr nine that is not his name

you just said it was you ask me if his

name is vot and I tell you nine vot is

not his name but also not nine

what is his name absolutely not not what

that is correct what is your name wrong

again he's not here who's not

here

what who is not here and what is not

here

neither you're old bom me Mr

Brown if I promise not to proceed with

this report will you do me a favor yes

yes what is it get these crackpots out

of here and promise never to bring them

back even if they've committed

murder good evening Miss Courtney or

should I say m please don't remind me of

last night's unfortunate incident sorry

I hope you've explained to your Indian

lady the difference between free and

free offer oh yes she understands it now

don't worry it won't happen again ah

excuse me I'm looking for a Jamila

ramjack are you thinking what I'm

thinking I hope not why do you want

Jamilla well she ordered a mini bike

from us a month ago she hasn't paid for

it we sent her three invoices she

actually ordered the bike oh yeah she

sent in the coupon look here it is oh no

she's done it again 7day free

trial

[Applause]

[Music]

do do do

[Music]

[Music]

oh good evening Mr Brown good evening

glce how are you oh you'll get me shot

there for her ladyship I wish you won't

miss one oh the old drag them in yes the

old dragon is oh evening I'll take that

oh are we economizing on biscuits gles

I'll get you some

more I don't think she likes me she

doesn't like anybody oh by the way many

happy returns of the day how did you

know it was my birthday I saw your date

of birth last week in our ladyship's

Ledger accidentally of course oh course

haven't told anybody else it's my

birthday have you no not a s oh good

quick please teacher

coming ah good evening ready I'm try

happy birthday to

you happy birthday to

youy birthday

de happy birthday to

you wasn't that

nice hadn't told a soul eh well I might

have mentioned send it to one or two

people well thank you all for your good

wishes you're wanting to show our

appreciation well that's very kind of

you and we are all buying you a little

present what no you shouldn't have but

we already

have may your Shadow never

diminish thank you can I open it now yes

please it is something for you to be

using every

day oh a pen very nice it is is what you

are calling a waterfall

pen a waterfall pen that is correct Oh

you mean a fountain pen thousand

apologies for my

ignorance excuse me what for you by a

pen for birthday I buy the pen I'm not

knowing what you are buying well you

take your pen and change for something

else no it is you must be changing teach

proof of my pen oh you know Mr Brown my

pen much better it write underwater oh

I'm sure that's very useful my P write

in different colors well I tell you what

I'll take both pens I mean after all two

pens are better than one excuse please

yes

ter

oh three pencil better than two you

haven't yeah s well I tell you what

rather than show any preference I think

it be a good idea if you all exchanged

your pens for something else yeah

but thank you anyway

thank

yes what of Pardon happy b day

birthday oh thank you wonder what this

is

pluma yeah what's that

pen oh dear I Chang yeah I think so all

right but thank you happy birthday

professori thank you Giani for

you well at least it's not a pen it's a

salami much garlic very strong yeah I

can smell that thank

you Twee please many happy returnings

thank you Ellie I'm buying for you

nothing at

all oh well never mind but I'm giving

you this oh a card oh no inside you will

be finding a gift voucher from arids

arids oh yeah yes please and you can be

buying anything whatsoever you are

wishing anything yes from hars of

nightsbridge no please harits of Camden

Abraham had a secondhand shop nothing

over one

pound well thank you

Al happy

yesi birthday well done thank you

oh very

nice

Holly Holly huh

Holly Oh

Holy born by guy guy what a holy monk no

guy how cow oh I

do now it is my turn to give you

something yes Danel but first I wish you

happy birthday as we do in

France quiet

quiet thank you thank you Daniel um and

I have something very f frch oh thank

you oh toet

mer it is a pleasure for me to give you

something excuse please what is the

nature of the gift you are receiving

from Danielle OD tolet toilet water you

put it on your

face you are putting water from the

toilet on your

face no Ali it's not that kind of

toilet good May the spirit of universal

Brotherhood descend upon you well I'm

sure it will hope to lead every day oh I

hope it's a good read the best thoughts

of chairman

ma very upri uh lifting personally

autographed by m By

Me Now is me yes Anna I have made for

you and GR upful

strudel it's very gross dunker bitter

well uh thank you all for your generous

gifts uh uh but I really think we ought

to get on with the lesson now this week

we're going to look at the vowel sounds

right now does anybody know what a vowel

sound is yes please it is a rumbling

tummy Al vow not vow sorry please

right well there are five vowels in the

alphabet a e i o and u a e i o u good

now firstly we'll take the letter A now

this can be pronounced in three

different ways it can be a A or R

A or a Excuse me yes Max I am not

understanding how can a a be a r

[Music]

it's not the letter R it's sometimes

pronounced R an what

language it's all right I'll give you

some examples let us take the word f a t

now that has a flat a

s good but if we add an e to the end of

fat then what do we have

fatty

no Giovani fate now does anybody know

what the word fate

means yes

one two fate two fate he one right fate

one left

fate no fun those are

feet right moving on to the E now the

letter e is usually pronounced e as in e

b set get there are of course exceptions

to the rule for example f e t e is also

pronounced

fate

one no one no are feet I told you before

all right all right right moving on to

the letter i this is usually pronounced

I or

I good now can anybody give me an

example of the I sound

well how would you pronounce f i

t

Fe one right one

left if you want to argue argue in

English go back to Italy you Italian

spaghetti shut up you big Spanish

omelette

excuse me her ladyship wants to see you

in the office oh thank you glattus I'll

be in in a moment all right hey maybe

she's going to get you a birthday

present yes and maybe the Pope's getting

married he

is I never read that it was a joke look

I'll be as quick as I can meanwhile if

you'll all turn to page 83 and study the

sentences giving examples of the various

vowel sounds yeah and Giovani would you

take charge of the class while I'm away

sure allow me thank you

okay I'm in

charge who wants

Seto

enter you wanted to see me Miss Courtney

yes oh I understand it's your birthday

that's correct another Milestone

personally I don't believe in

celebrating birthdays I fail to see how

the passing of years can be an occasion

for rejoicing no of course you're right

I suppose now Mr Brown when you commence

teaching here I said that I would give

you a month's trial yes that month is

now up and I feel it only fair to put an

end to your worry about the future

that's very kind of you I can assure you

you won't regret it I know I won't miss

hardaker will start on Wednesday Miss

hardaker yes she will be taking over

your class you remember I did tell you

that I prefer women teachers you mean

I've got the push well let us just say

that we no longer require your services

I feel that Miss hardaker will be much

more suitable well in that case I

suggest you get Miss much more suitable

hardaker to take over tonight cuz I'm

going home you can't just walk out like

that oh yes I can and I won't say it's

been a pleasure because it hasn't all I

can say

is in India you'd be

sacred

t

b okay I

stick pontoon five cards stick only what

you got Queen of Hearts Jo of

Spades okay you should not be playing

the cards you should be learning the

English

Zig is right you should be improving

your mind you can improve my mind

anytime how about tonight huh we have a

meal a couple of glasses of Vino then

back to my place to make a love that is

not improving the mind no but it's is

very good for the

body hey teach's

coming right uh will you all pay

attention please I have something rather

important to tell you I'm afraid that

Miss Courtney has terminated my

engagement it is a very big surprise to

me yeah it was a bit of a shock to me as

well we are not knowing that you and

Miss Courtney were

engaged well you don't understand I mean

to coin a phrase I've been given the

boot one

right oh no one look can't you

understand I mean I have been fired I've

been given the bullet Santa Maria she

tried to shoot

you no I have been dismissed dismissed

yes you are leaving us I'm afraid so oh

no

well miss courney doesn't think I'm

suitable we go speak to her I'm afraid

that speaking to her won't do any good

at all okay we twist her arms a little

bit yeah we tell her if she not let you

stay we work her over yeah we'll do

nothing of the sort we don't have Mafia

tactics in this country but what is

going to happen to us another teacher

will be taking over the class a miss

harder I'm already not liking her it is

not fair and on your birthday yes well

as they say in France say Lai well I've

enjoyed meeting you all I uh wish you

all every success with your studies in

the

future goodbye Su very sorry to Roose

you J God

happening Anna Al

Z Max Goodbye Mr Brown taro

good luck thank you

you one yes Amigo

with

Ranjit I'm wishing you all you are

wishing yourself thank you Giovani it's

very sad now please giovan you mustn't

be upset I can't help

me me you are starting me off

you damn fool come on Ally it's not the

end of the world goodbye goodbye

Daniel there will always be a place for

you right

here very kind of you well uh goodbye

everybody bye thank you for your um

presence and uh good

luck I thought you'd gone yeah I was

just collecting my things goodbye

goodbye

now as you are no doubt aware Mr Brown

is no longer with us yes it is making us

very sad yes I have telephoned your new

teacher Miss harder and she will be

arriving shortly in the mean time I

shall take the

class now then let's see how you're

progressing you with a turban what is

this

pencil it is not a pencil it's looking

back a pencil to

me let's try again what is this a

finger didn't Mr Brown teach you

anything yes please he's making us work

like the

Clippers clappers oh Clippers or

clappers we are working very hard yes

and we are all very sad he has gone yeah

was quiet quiet it is really no concern

of yours I'm sure sure that you will

find Miss hardaker more than efficient

and after all a woman can do everything

a man can do not everything I was

speaking

academically Excuse Me Miss

Courtney there's a person out here wants

to see you what sort of person well I'm

not

sure got new yes hard car Oh I thought

they were sending me a woman I am a

woman

I do beg your pardon it must have been

that well um perhaps you'd like to come

to my office and have a cup of coffee no

no time for coffee we must get started

crack the whip show them who boss keep

them on their toes and by the look of

them they need it beautifully put but I

think we ought to have a little chat

first very well in the meantime you can

go on studying your

books don't talk sit still I'll be back

immediately no blim me what a funny

woman we are

having I don't think I'm going to like

this new teacher I think I go home I I

go home too nine what is use of going

home you cannot learn the English at

home maybe I find a way huh there is no

way I am thinking if we make new teacher

go away perhaps Mr Brown is coming back

and how you make new teacher go very

easy

that's no good we get blood all over the

class much better we push her out of the

window ah it is looking like we are

being stuck with her they must do

something it is duty to obey erected

authorities no so ruls are made to be

obeyed not even laws is bad law

principes

action unjust he's right but what can we

do there's nothing we can do hey I've

got an idea what are idea we have a

strike yeah let's all have it the strike

what is the strike does this mean you're

going to be fighting no no no no a

strike like the big onions what onions

the trade

onions please I think your strike is not

going to be working what we are needing

is to be revolting and I am thinking

you're already revolting asking for a

kick up the

let's not quarrel amongst ourselves huh

I know why not we all have a sit out you

mean a Sit better adopt policy of non-

copulation for new teacher arrives in

classroom we no copulate no

legance for once Japan China in a

agreement we now speak to new teacher I

like it we keep it the Trap shut

silencio understand see not speaking not

a

word that's

right I am your new teacher and my name

is Miss hardaker and I have come to drum

English into your respective alien heads

and you have come here to learn

understand good now I have to take your

names you what's your

name are you

[Laughter]

deaf you your

name you

name I

see well I don't know how long you think

you're going to keep this up and I can

assure you it won't make any difference

to me I'm just going to sit here until

somebody

speaks d c you have smashed my apple

strudel I think I've got it off now well

I'll be sending you the bill of course I

thought you might well I wouldn't mind

that coffee now I'm so sorry I've drunk

it all but you'll find the Tea Room down

the corridor te- room te- room

you don't expect me to queue up with all

those students oh no no while I'm

teaching here I'll take my coffee in

your office black no

sugar but I'm here I think I'd have a

look at your prospectus the little I've

seen you could do with a great deal of

reorganization who is it it's me gladus

with your coffee and biscuits right come

in you look harassed I am

harassed I suppose it's that new teacher

isn't it yes the foreign students

haven't spoken a word since Mr Brown

left with the result that miss hardaker

is spending her time reorganizing the

entire

school she's already reduced two of the

other teachers to tears and she's caused

the caretaker to hand in his notice it's

only a matter of time before she takes

over my job well why don't you get rid

of her and ask Mr around to come back I

can't do that why not not after having

dismissed him I have my

pride mind you if he asked if he could

come back I'd be only too happy to

accept ask to come back but we miss

you look when I got your message to call

here I thought it was for something

serious but we are serious if you ask

her Miss Courtney she's going to have

you back yes no I'm sorry it's out of

the question if she wants me back she'll

have to ask me now if that's all there

is I'll say Goodbye Oh Mr hey Mr

Brown oh I was just seeing something I

was just going to looking on your old

class I sorry after you no no no after

you well I was just wondering whether

you'd consider coming back I was just

going to ask you if there was any chance

of coming back that settled in but you

preferred women teachers I do

but miss hard who was more masculine

than most men I've

met well do you want your job back or

don't you oh yes good you've got it we

win we win Mr brownies are coming

back

hello well if you all sit down we've got

rather a lot of catching up to do I'm

afraid excuse please before we are doing

that we are all changing your birthday

pens and buying you other gift from

arids the C in arands you mean oh yes

indeed here you are oh thank you a

wallet he a wallet I got a wallet hey I

got the

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

wallet

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

pap

[Music]

do

[Music]

Mr

Brown uh hello Miss Courtney why are you

creeping about but I didn't want to

disturb you very considerate and perhaps

you wouldn't mind creeping into the

office for a moment I want a word with

you you may

sit now Mr Brown the other evening after

everyone had gone I went into the

gentleman's toilet I'm sure that was a

Perfectly Natural

mistake I went because the caretaker had

complained about the graffiti on the

walls and Mr Brown it is just not good

enough oh I don't know I thought some of

it was rather

witty it was disgusting saman had

written Enoch pow rules okay that's so

with all due respect I'd hardly call

that disgusting it was what was written

underneath that I found most

objectionable oh what was that Miss

Courtney is

crackers yes well it may not have been

one of my students who was responsible

there certainly was how could to be so

sure who else but a foreigner would

spell crackers k r a double k e RS well

I'll see it doesn't happen again there's

just one more thing Mr brownan yes Miss

Courtney in a few weeks time your

students will be sitting for their

Cambridge certificate yes and we're all

looking forward to it I'm sure we're all

going to pass with flying colors and you

have more faith in them than I have now

here is a set of last year's examination

papers I suggest this evening that you

set them a mock exam and see how good or

otherwise they

are closer it's all right

very good don't forget to be getting my

turban

in smile

please now who want picture yes please

one for my brother two for

me

a one for me

please me too

you two of

two one two one one two for me please

that is I am meaning one two as

well not one two

one I like also to be having one for me

and one for my mother one for my father

one for my brother one for my sister one

for my uncle and one for my auntie and

one for his donkey

stickies and stonies may break my bonies

but the names will never be hurting me

you clever

monkey

correcto your book Danielle thank you

Max it's all right your handbag just a

minute hey next time you carry the

handbag huh no I think it suit you

more hey give me a

kiss your hand back thank you javanni

you just missed it we are having our

photographs taken by Taro Taro I would

very much like you to take a photograph

of me hey I take your picture you have

not the camera sure I got the camera at

home you come back with me after the

class and we take lots of pictures and

then we can see what develops he what

you say I say no you want a picture in

classroom

yes how about

here

MIM

huh magnif hey hire excuse please no

more hire you are giving me naughty

thoughts me too but I'm liking them very

much no I take her ready

ready no good no good you must be joking

she's beautiful two clothes can get in

top half or bottom but you are not

taking her

bottom just take the head and the

shoulders yeah you can take one of the

legs for me

after

okay very

good ready ready look at a

CA what's going on here oh I'm having my

photograph taken really very nice can

you do me a big favor what sort of favor

I would like to have a photograph taken

with you yes I don't think we really got

time for that sort of thing oh please

it's for my mother and father I've told

them all about you and they would love

to have a photo yes

well that all right for you yes right

you sit here yeah what about

you I'll sit on your

knee you sure this is for your parents

of course really look at the

kemot we were having our photograph

taken I was not aware that photography

was included in the curriculum uh yes

well would you all sit down please and

uh Danielle would you stand up what what

about our photo yeah we'll see about

that later all right don't sit down it

was for her parents

I just came to bring you the answers to

last year's examination papers thank you

huh

I hope I didn't get you into trouble

I'll survive right now before we do

anything else I want all the male

students to write down the word crackers

on a piece of paper crackers yes I want

to find out how you spell it you don't

know how to spell it yes I do but I want

to see if you do

ho ah so it was you please you wrote

this on the wall of the gent's toilet

excuse please I'm not right think

anything on the wall of the toilet right

then how do you account for the fact

that you've spelled crackers k r a k RS

whereas you look at everybody else's

paper you will discover that they have

spelled it well at least you're all

consistent right in future please no

more writing on walls now pay attention

in a few weeks time you will all be

sitting for your examinations that is

good much better to be sitting for

examination then

standing I'll rephrase that in a few

weeks time you will all be taking your

lower Cambridge certificate and to find

out how you're progressing we are going

to have a mock exam that is to say an

imaginary one right during the second

half of the lesson I want to see how

many you can answer to find out your

strengths and weaknesses you can study

the questions during the tea break I

would rather be studying the answers yes

I'm sure you would right now firstly

have you all done your

homework good well we'll see how well

you've done

Juan what

did you give to question one explain

what is wrong with the following

sentence the cows was in the

field the cows was not in the

field no one that is not the correct

answer the cows was in another

field cows were in the field I didn't

see

them

all right now rangi question two name

the three classes of gender and give an

example of each thousand apologies but I

answered that question with nothing you

mean you haven't answered the question

that is the gift of what I am saying I

am not comprehending the meaning of the

word gender gender is the grammatical

classification of the sex of proper

nouns but you are learning about English

not about

sex you cannot learn sex from books R it

you ever have it or you don't have it I

have it I know all about sex me

too so may I remind you that we're not

here to discuss sex why not it is very

interesting subject yes I'm aware of

that but there's a time and a place for

everything you tell me the time and the

place and I shall be

there please can we get back to the

matter of your homework ranit the word

gender refers to whether or not proper

noun is masculine or feminine now I'm

understanding and what is the other

other what gender there are three

classes of gender one is masculine one

is feminine and the other is

po NE thousand apologist all right Su

yes Mr Blan question three give the

feminine of the following lion

roness lioness roness no l l r r you're

not saying it right very sorry I know

try saying roness lioness

good well in future every time you see

an AR pretend it's an AR right Anna yeah

feminine of duke duke s

Duchess Jamila G now be careful the

feminine of

monkey monkey S no no no the feminine of

monkey is monkey there is no difference

between masculine and feminine excuse

please you are

mistaken I seeing them in the zoo and

there's a very big

difference I am referring to the word

itself not their physical appearance Ali

yes please question four explain what is

wrong with the following sentence waiter

I would like some chops of pork waiter I

would not like some chops of pork no Al

that's not right yes please it is

against my religion to be eating

pork the word pork is immaterial how do

you feel about lamb oh blame you I like

lamb very much right never suppose at

the question read waiter I would like

some chops of lamb what is wrong with

that I should be asking for minty

sauce should be asking for lamb chops

not chops of lamb jelly good ma question

five quite a hard one this construct a

sentence using the word indisposition

sure every Saturday I play football and

I am being the goalie keeper because I

like playing in this

position silence look this is no

laughing matter if your pres standard is

anything to go by you have a chance of

passing your exams now I suggest you all

take an early tea break study those

questions and let's hope that you show

some signs of intelligence otherwise we

might as well stop wasting each other's

time

hey

Max the professori isn't mad at us sure

we must do good with these questions

yeah we got to get every question right

how we do that I've got an

idea professori is got the answers right

so so we get them from him he's not

going to give them to us he don't have

to we stealer

[Applause]

[Music]

them there you are Deary thank you Tempi

thank you who's next me please oh tea or

coffee hot water

hot water yes please I bring my own tea

bag you can't do that but I'm already

doing it I'm starting economy ride that

but that tea bag's already been used

most definitely I'm making three cups of

tea out of one tea baggie well I'm sorry

you can't make your own tea oh blim me

then I'm not having any at all next who

next when a notes my little flower

how beautiful you look tonight just like

a

madon are you talking to me see no no

what no whatever it is you're after it's

nothing well maybe just one little thing

uh you see uh I am uh I am a little tall

with the

money I pay for the coffee tomorrow no

no no money no coffee coffee ah ah rji

you are my friend M Amigo you lend me 10

P I'm only having 10 p

s thank you you are taking my last 10p

you my very good

friend coffee please Tempe I'm not

having any money you're not having any

coffee can you be lending me 10

P yes okay thousand thank you but I'm

making one condition what is that I want

to hear you say all Muslims are nice

kind and most wonderful

persons if I am saying that you'll be

lending me 10p if you are saying that I

will be giving you

10p very well all Muslims are nice kind

and wonderful persons jell

good there's only one thing what please

all six are very big

[Applause]

Liars now listen everybody because this

is very important what's the matter he's

about the test we have yeah we got to do

good

otherwise we're all in the minr in the

sh that's right now we have a plan what

plan we pinch the answers that is

cheating that's right I do not cheat

perhaps the exam is not too bad maybe we

can answer the question okay

yeah it's not too difficult let's have a

look question one construct sentences

using the following types of Clauses a

varial Clause of time non Clause as

object or preposition and Main Clause

coordinate with

first

well Anna haly steals the

answers Mr Brown your students have been

at it again what not more graffiti no

not this time read this young verile

male student wishes to meet nice lady

from cookery class for evenings of

mutual pleasure reply maximilan Pap

andreos kindly informed Mr Pap andreos

that the notice board is for official

notices and not for procuring young

women right I'm sure his intentions were

quite innocent evenings of mutual

pleasure yeah s probably only wanted how

to whip up an omelette well tell him to

whip up his own

omelets right I'll have a word with him

see that you do your Cofe Miss Courtney

thank you glad oh by the way Mr Brown

how is the mock examination coming along

oh we haven't started it yet we're going

to get cracking just as soon as we

finished our tea break well I do hope

that the results will be good otherwise

I shall have to think about axing the

course aing of course you wouldn't do

that surely I mean certainly would it

would be a complete waste of time for

them to carry on and sit for an

examination they have no hope of passing

thank you

daddis well that's it I've had it well I

didn't think your class was as bad as

that oh they are at the moment oh I'm

sure that when the time comes they'll

pull through with frying colors but

right at the moment the only thing they

like to get right on the test paper is

their names and even that's doubtful

well you'll have to help them with the

answers oh give them the answers yeah

not exactly give them to them just leave

them lying around where they can see

them that is cheating no not exactly

it's not as though it's a real exam I

mean you said yourself they come out

with flying

colors ah it's a Pity if the course has

to be cancell all because of failing a

mock

exam but you know

best

that's much too

obvious how we still at the

answers I know first we hit him on head

that's no good we make too much mess

we've got to get him out of the class

how we do that I don't know hey let's

all

think studying

hard profor you're here

yes sit

down have a cup of tea have two cups of

tea we be back max yeah well just a

minute Max I want to word with you yeah

I believe that this uh this notice is

yours sure yeah well I'm afraid that

Miss Courtney will not allow you to have

that on the notice board okay as a point

of Interest did anybody from the cookery

class respond sure she was beautiful we

had a fantastic time never before I had

such a time really H what does she cook

for you cook we had a

takeaway where are you going we got to

spend two P well the phrase is spend a

penny sure I spend a penny he spend a

penny won't uh go near the classroom I

hope no professor and you see I just uh

left the answers on my desk and I

wouldn't want you to be uh looking at

them and copying them

down would we do that

Max no

a that would be cheating Mr Brown

wouldn't

it hurry up yeah near finish all

right you're looking

to is Mr Brown in the classroom no Mr

Brown is in the te down the corridor and

on your left I am familiar with the

geography of this building

sure would you mind moving what for I

wish to enter the classroom but Mr Brown

is in the te- room so you have already

told me but I wish to wait for him in

the

classroom H okay Miss Courtney you want

to go into the classroom Miss Courtney I

will open the door for you miss Courtney

I am not

de oh Mr Capello all ready for taking

your exam sure already good ah M

Courtney did you want me no I just

thought that I would supervise the class

during their mock examination yes well

there's no need to do that I'm quite

capable of doing it myself Mr Brown when

the students take their real exam you

will not be allowed to stay in the

classroom never mind supervise it's a

precaution against any attempt to cheat

cheat yes it has been known in the past

for an over enthusiastic teacher to

provide his students with the answers

really how

contemptible Now ladies and gentlemen

you have exactly 1 hour to complete this

paper starting from now excuse me please

miss yes can I spend the penny please

all right but hurry you don't need to

take your exercise book with you do just

maybe I think of an answer so I write it

down but come along Mr Nadim yes please

where do you go along

to we are not going along to anywhere I

just want you to get started on the

answers I'll do my

best excuse me please

yes toilet please very well but don't

belong ah here are the answers I put

them in my book already good I put them

in my book hey I got tell Al one girl

okay

hey we pretty smart face sure we have no

trouble with this

[Music]

exam I'll be very

quick would you like to go to the toilet

Mr

Brown no no not at all everyone else has

been

H well it's probably the cold

weather we have another five minutes

Miss smid I am finished oh good then

I'll take a

book has anyone else

finished now collect up your books and

I'll take them thank you thank you thank

you very

much thank

you I shall take these home with me

tonight and mark them personally I do

hope they've done reasonably well so do

I otherwise it's the a oh blimy you're

chopping his head

off only

metaphorically oh you have about two

minutes Miss Chun not necessarily

finished thank

you now good night

everybody I shall see you all

tomorrow oh just a minute Miss Courtney

won't you need the answers I sh need

them Mr BR however I might as well take

them it might speed up the

marking

who there something the matter these are

the wrong

answers oh these aren't the answers to

last year's paper there the previous

years I must have picked them up by

mistake oh I suppose last year's answers

must still be in my filing

cabinet are you feeling all right Mr

Brian you look a little peaky no no I'm

fine never felt

better

Mr

Brown good evening Mr

courney Mr

Brown I marked your students examination

papers last night yes well unbelievable

I can't explain everybody answered every

question correctly you see what

happened everybody answered every

question correctly good Lord I told you

it was unbelievable was positively

miraculous see for yourself but these

are the answers you gave me last night

that's correct but you said they were

the previous year's answers yes but I

discovered last night that I had also

given you the previous year's

questions congratulations Mr Brown your

students are a credit to

[Applause]

you

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

p

[Applause]

[Music]

do do

[Music]

do do do

[Music]

do do do

[Music]

right is me

next come come

sh Miss Italy Italy now you watch me

huh

[Applause]

We Are the Champions are

the good evening what's going on here uh

we are playing the English game of

shoveling the hpy Italy against GRE see

me

arbitro chicken chicken see when a

player is sop as

sign

chicken it's a foul wow

Chen it's not quite the same who's

winning Italy oh good only just what's

the score six and yeah very close what's

that oh it's

um it's it's a water sure it's a water

water that's wine

wine Santa Maria another

mirac I don't want to see that in this F

again right now back to your places

everybody straighten up this table

please thank you right uh rather than uh

go straight on to a lesson I thought it

might be a good idea if we all talked

about what we did at the weekend right

hope you all a chance to brush up on

your English conversation right now who

should we start with Danielle how did

you spend your weekend I went to

Brighton with my new boyfriend oh very

nice and he was very naughty yes so

people usually are in bright no he was

naughty on the

motorway

quiet pleas the police were not very

happy I'm sure they weren't they made

him stop a car you mean he was driving

at the time of course how else would he

be doing 300 miles an

hour you mean he was speeding yes what

did you think he was

doing how about you Anna did you uh

spend the weekend with your boyfriend N

I have no boyfriend oh that's a Pity

everyone should have a boyfriend I have

no

boyfriend I was referring ref ing to the

girls apologies I've once had a bed

experience Mr boy a bed experience yeah

what you mean it tried to get you into

bed nine not bed sleep bed opposite from

good oh bad yeah bed yes what happened I

cannot tell you it was too awful a

Japanese philosopher say confession very

good for so yeah tell us what happened

well you don't have to if you don't want

to maybe it is better I get it off my

breast chest yeah it was Dreadful I

still blush when I'm sinking of it yes

well perhaps you better not tell us then

she must most definitely I am all your

H it was about 5 years ago and I was

going out with this boy courau I was

young and innocent one night we have

been to the Beer Garden and we have been

drinking a lot of schnaps afterwards I'm

inviting him to m a apartment for coffee

H

La Japanese philosopher also say men

goes to lady's apartment for drink uh

usually UND out having

neble well I think we leave your

Japanese philosopher out of it if you

don't mind Terror go on Anna well we set

together on the bed when he was stroking

mine

end

which this

oh

you're oh dear I am thinking I am too

young to be hearing

anymore you can leave the room if you

wish R oh no I say it is good to be

knowing the ways of the world what

happened next Anna Court was kissing me

on my neck

suck then he was kissing me on my

shoulder then he was kissing me all over

the place go on what I was feeling

feeling all romanti then with all the

drink what I had drunk on the warms of

his body by mine's on the bed I did

something I have always been ashamed of

well what did you do I fell

asleep Santa

Maria then I woke up he was

gone how sad well never mind turn

a how did you spend your weekend uh I go

to Paris oh Paris yes ah weekend in

France eh no no not France in London

Taro yes Tacho Paris is in France not

Buckingham

Paris Buckingham Palace I follow you you

follow me yeah I didn't see you there I

mean I understand that you went to

Buckingham Palace yes there

I see loyal frago loyal frago but Royal

flag

aome

good uh Jamila G how did you uh spend

your

weekend weekend yeah what did you get up

to what did you

do jig

jig you went dancing no jig jig film

maice

chavale thank heavens for little

girl

ah jig

jig Max that's me how did you pass your

weekend um Saturday I go to see the big

fight ah a boxing match no no football

match and Sunday I take my girlfriend to

see the Tower of London oh very cultural

did you see the beef eaters beef eaters

yes no I only see people eating

sandwiches all right all right very

funny thank you

one uh what happened to you at the

weekend for how how did you spend your

weekend for

we

ah Saturday I work in sunay I

stay of I

mean

you slept see slep yeah but I thought

you were an

RC uh Roman Catholic

ahol you said you slept I mean surely

you're supposed to go to church on

Sundays a God he tell us 6 days you work

on the seven day you rest I

rest you big sinner

no Cena see when you die you not go to

heaven you go down a

hell okay is friend down hell then up

Heaven listen 5 minutes down there and

you'll be just another

[Music]

Spanish you're all right sit down Gian I

presume you did go to church see every

Sunday I go to m you you're a practicing

Catholic then no practice I'm a

perfect in Italy when I was a little boy

I was going to be a priest really what

made you change your mind you like it

this one day the priest to give a big

sermon in the church All About Women

girls and the pleasures of the Flesh and

the more he spoke the more I realized

what I would be

missing excuse me Mr Brown do you mind

if I intrude for the moment no not at

all well the school is holding a draw

next weekend and I'm selling tickets for

it excuse me this draw you selling

tickets for yes what sort of drawer is

it is it from the dressing table or

what it's not that sort of

draw it's a raffle thousand apologies

now it's in a very good cause the old

age pensioners tickets are 10p each

who's going to buy

some but what about you Mr Sing thank

you very much but I must decline but

it's for the old age pensioners yes

but what am I going to be doing with one

if I

win the pensioners are not the

prizes apologies again the first prize

is a weekend for two in Paris oh I'll

take one I wouldn't say no to a weekend

in Paris why not we share the ticket

together maybe we can share the weekend

too that is immoral oh but it's very

nice I am sure thought that Mr Brown

wouldn't dream of doing any such thing

would you Mr Brown no no of course not I

think I'll leave these tickets with you

do you think you can get rid of two

books well I

excellent excuse please sry we are R we

are delayed because of the reason of

mist Mist yes please it's a perfectly

clear night how can you have been

delayed by Mist we missed the

bus then we had to go to the Dress

makers for a fitting you're not having a

dress marriage no not Ari me she's

having a dress made for wedding wedding

you mean you're getting married suly yes

next week at legis Le

office kept rather quiet about that oh

blimy she's being swept of her

foot

feet well who's the lucky man do we know

yes please it is

[Applause]

me

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

enter finish with your trailer yes thank

you Gladis well tomorrow's the big day

then what big day you know the wedding

Ali and Sue oh that yes I had a long

talk with that girl last week about her

future oh that was nice however in spite

of all I said she's decided to go

through with it well there's nothing

wrong in getting married you ought to

try

it I am perfectly happy as I am thank

you Miss Courtney yes can I be a bit

personal if you

must have you never been with a a

man

what do you mean well you know certainly

not I prefer a hot water

bottle at least you can hold it against

you without it getting

Amorous have you never wanted to get

married well there was one occasion many

years ago a boy I was very fond of in

fact we were

inseparable he asked me to elope with

him oh how romantic and did you

almost we set off one morning for gret

and the green but I'm afraid we never

quite made it how far did you get gold

as

green my father caught up with us and

dragged me back home oh he forbad me to

see the boy again said we were far too

young oh what a

shame how old were

you he was eight and I was

six still never mind Deary I know they

somewhere someone somewhere waiting for

you then you'll have a very long

wait I have no intention of subjugating

myself to any member of the male sex oh

so I take it you think women are equal

to men certainly not women are far

superior so you won't be at the wedding

tomorrow no I have better things to do

with my time than go and watch two

people embarking on such a foolish

Enterprise oh well I'm going I love

weddings and I think they'll make a

lovely

help yourself

everybody it's a

lovely Su for you thank you and Ali for

you a lovely glass sorry no it is

against my religion to drink it is also

against my

religion another miracle giovan no

professori we drink the health of the

happy couple you have a glass huh that's

well I suppose it is is a special

occasion heyo ah thank you well what

about a toast then he uh we have no

toast only dis no no no no no no I mean

a toast for Ali and suie we have no

toast for them

either to Ali and

sui and may all your troubles be little

ones little ones what it's an English

expression it means to hope that you

have a family a baby oh blim me I'm

doing something about it last

night

yes I'm preparing a little room for

nursery please I am having a very funny

thought he is Pakistani she is Chinese

if they have a baby it'll be

pakines how dare you I should be

teaching you not to be insulting you

ignorant son of a bearded come on you

are of offing of a c c all right that'll

do come on let's not forget why we're

here you still have a lot to learn now

back to your places everyone and put

those glasses away

right now this evening I thought we'd

try and have a a group discussion all

right yes we'll uh pick a subject and

then uh we'll all discuss it thoroughly

now what would you like to discuss

girls I don't think so Giovani anybody

any other

suggestions sport sport yes good idea

that's a good subject Max right sport

now although um most sports are

international there are of course

various activities which are peculiar to

individual countries for example the

national sport of France is um football

good well done Danielle and the national

sport of Italy

girls that's not a sport maybe not but

it's more popular than

football trully what is the national

sport of China China excellent at

everything especially table tennis and

Athletics Japan much more

athletic champions of kti Chinese kung

fu much Superior to Japanese kante not

so I'm a Black belto Kung Fu much

inal all right go come on we don't any

more Oriental pups sit

down right who can tell me what the

national sport of England is yes Jamila

Bing

bowling I'm balling green balling oh

Bows Oh well yes that's not exactly the

national sport no that honor goes to

Cricket

please I not understand Cricket well

it's h quite straightforward there are

two teams of 11 men each and one side

goes in and the other side have to try

and get them out I didn't know you could

play it in the

doors he not played indoors yeah but how

can somebody be H when he's already h

I'll try to explain you see the team

that is bowling is on the field and the

team that is batting is in the Pavilion

now the first two men batsmen come out

to go in and then uh the first one of

those to be out goes back in and then

another batsman comes out to

go is that clear so far oh sure when

he's in he's not really in he's

out and when he's out he's not really

out he's in that's

right it's crazy

Mr Brown Mr Brown you're wanted straight

away it's Miss Courtney and she said

it's very important oh thank you glce I

shall be a moment um Giovani would you

take charge of the class while I'm away

sure good and pick a

subject okay now we talk about the

girls

enter you sent for me Miss Courtney yes

oh this is the teacher Mr

Brown I am hearing much about

you I hope it's all good this young lady

has called to see Mr Nadine oh Ali

you're a friend of his then more than a

friend you're not his sister are you no

I am his

wife tonight after class we take you in

at the P huh yes and we're having a big

fish see big Festa plenty drink it is

last night of fom thank you please but

it is not necessary I do not drink don't

be

selfish the tradition the night before

the wedding for the brid Grom to be

slashed I see you all men are male shist

Pig why you not invite us to the pub

what and SP

evening you make your own

Festa we go to pubg all ladies no please

Jamil is right we have our own

celebrations that's right Alie yes

please can I see you please you are

seeing me

now I mean I want to see you in private

in Miss Courtney's office it's rather

important

okay oh excuse me I will be back very

soon my

beloved

I wonder what was so important for Mr

Brown to be telling Ali and maybe he's

going to tell him The Facts of

Life sit down Al thank you where's um

I've sent her to the t- room oh good

well I think it might be a good idea if

Al and I were left alone I I presume you

all speak to miss suie you presume

wrong I think Mr Nadim should do his own

Dirty

Work

well Ally yes

please well I'm not going to beat about

the bush what

Bush I have just met your wife oh jelly

good and I must say it came as rather a

shock excuse please she's not all that

badl

looking no no no Ellie you don't

understand you are a married man oh yes

well then how can you possibly be

thinking of marrying Su Lee tomorrow why

not it's biger me oh no it is Big of

Me no Al you don't understand you can't

have two wives oh yes please it is

allowed by my religion if the first wife

is agreeable then the husband can take

another you mean your wife doesn't mind

not at all it is to have the baby baby

yes please we have been now crying for 4

years and nothing is happening so I'm

taking another wife to have the

babies yeah well it's against the law in

this country but they're not going to be

finding out are they yes they are

because I'm afraid I'm going to have to

be telling them oh blame

me now what am I going to be doing I

think the first thing you should do is

tell suie about your wife uh she's

already knowing it she doesn't mind not

at all she's being very much in love

with me well look you'll just have to

tell her that the wedding is off ah she

will be Brokenhearted

yes well you should have thought of that

before come in excuse please miss

Courtney say you w see me yes uh come in

suly Ali has something to tell you yes

Ari well uh you see um what I'm trying

to say is uh well there is something

very important you must be knowing what

is it uh

well Mr Brown will be telling

you sit down

well I don't quite know how to say this

but it has to be said I do have

something to say it's about the wedding

I cannot M Arie you see the point is

pardon I cannot marry Arie why can't you

Mary AR marry Alie I'm not in r with him

but you must have said that you wanted

to surely yes I was being sorry for him

at the time but now I know it is not

possible how am I going to tell him it

will blak his heart ah well don't worry

suly I'll tell him I'm sure I'll be able

to let him down gently yes you leave it

with me I'll uh I'll sort it out I'm

sure I'll have a work with

it excuse Please Mr Brown yes s did you

told suly yes oh jly good now I'm being

very happy with one wife good I hope she

didn't mind too badly of me well I was I

was as tactful as I could be I told her

that it's better to have loved and lost

than never to have loved at

all what a beautiful

thought was she very sad absolutely hot

broken did you tell Ari Mr blown yes

surely I I told him it's better to have

loved and lost than never to have loved

at all was he very upset

brokenhearted right now pay attention

everybody Ellie and Su have had a long

discussion and uh by mutual agreement

have decided to call off their wedding

we've already booked the pub we've

ordered all the toast and the drinks

yeah well you'll just have to cancel

excuse please you do not have to be

canceling it but we have nothing to

celebrate oh liy yes we have my lovely

wife is telling me that I'm going to be

a daddy at

[Applause]

last come on everybody to the

P moment it's not time to go there's

half an hour more come

[Applause]

back just a moment where do you all

think you're

going

the Mr Brown is his most unsatisfactory

well I agree well what are you going to

do about it there's only one thing I can

do if you can't beat them join

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

them

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

pap

[Music]

do

[Music]

oh Scher I must found this

SCH

oh

yes how dare you you dirty B hello

hello

hello

hello whoever you are you ought to be

ashamed of yourself it's me Jeremy Brown

what are you doing making obscene phone

calls I'm in bed with Flo in bed with

who Flo well this is most inconvenient

typical of the weaker sex I shall expect

you to be better by Monday in the

meantime I suppose I shall have to take

your

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

classing all of you now what is the

meaning of this it's doing improve our

English we learn all the English dances

we are learning to be Twisters to throt

like foxes and to mash the

potatoes yeah also we learn English

phrases like uh do you come here often

and uh who is taking you home

tonight there are more useful English

phrases to learn than those now will you

kindly tidy up this mess and sit down at

once all of you and

hurry I have to tell you that Mr Brown

will not be with us

tonight it appears that he has a virus

oh is that his

girlfriend he has the flu he has laid up

in bed excuse please how can he be laid

up in bed to are meaning he's laid down

the term to be laid up means the same as

being struck down B what a language

there is nothing wrong with the English

language it is the most widely spoken

language in the world does anyone know

the origin of the English language come

along where did English come from

England not quite the early Britains

were keltic from Glasgow Pi there glasow

Rangers Glasco Celtic

Football I was not referring to football

I was talking about the race no no no

it's not a race it's a football I see

him play to Milano the cup now don't

contradict me and if I have any more of

your stupid remarks I shall send you out

of the class the Kelts were a race of

people then came the golds you see I was

all right you ever the golds in

foot all right Mr Capello I did warn you

kindly leave the

class where do I go to well I suggest

that you go home and study your

books

[Applause]

now you were standing there and you are

still standing

there silence now take heed because I

shall not tell you again anyone who

persists in uttering idiotic nonsense

will be sent

home now the Romans invaded Britain in

43 ad can anyone tell me what ad means

after

Dark

right Mr Nadine come along off you go

what am I going for don't argue just

go EXC please

out to continue ad means anod domini

which refers to time since the birth of

our Lord the time before his birth we

refer to as BC does anyone know what BC

means Before

Christmas

okay I

go the Romans were supplanted by the

angles Saxons and jwes who brought with

them a new

language please I thought I told you to

go yes I go but I come back you are

wanting on the telephone Mr Brown is

wishing to speak with you oh very well

excuse please no Anna yeah you will take

charge of the class in my absence I

shall not belong

and don't stand for any nonsense do not

worry I shall be standing for nothing I

shall be sitting

down hello oh uh hello M Courtney I just

wanted to tell you that I got all the

students homework here perhaps if you

could send someone around to collect it

we do not have a messenger service Mr

Brown are you sure you're too ill to

come in well yeah I I still feel pretty

groggy I mean uh besides I wouldn't like

you to catch my cold I never catch cold

than the germs freeze to death instantly

in

your what with that oh nothing no look I

better hang up but if you want the

homework it's

here and where is everybody they giving

me stupid answers so I sense them all

home

oh go

away I not he nothing me too maybe he's

sleeping why don't we try around the

back door H back door more

[Laughter]

better hello anybody there yes please oh

shoot yes it is me you rang the bell a

minute ago no I'm only just arriving

somebody rang the

bell there's nobody

here he's bed still war why the door

open oh no good you're Jam somebody can

come in and still

something what was that what is what it

was annoying there somebody in

there it's lock the door oh blam me I

think you are getting a broken

[Laughter]

house yes please I think they are

dinging on your Bel to see if you are

inside and now they are breaking in you

know you could be right what's the

matter I hear

something

good

Lord a

yum think I am being housebroken that

was a very evil eye I

saw it's a big evil eye move out the way

I open the door St I'm going to break

the door

down

[Applause]

we know that's Mr

Brown that's Mr

[Applause]

Brown oh Mr are you all right yes she

fine apart from a touch of concussion

and raging fever I'm terrific thank

goodness we thought you had

flu what are you all doing here why

aren't you at school finish early so we

probably come and give you a visit oh

that's very kind of you and we bring you

a big bunch of grapes oh thank

you we eat one or two on the way oh well

it's the thought that count you must get

in bed yes I am starting to feel cold

again Master G I have n small gift for

you oh thank you jam H you try very kind

of you

yes

little big yeah well keep me

warm oh blim me it will not be needing

to wear any

gloves well that's it

shrink come I must have you in

bed oh that's what you

mean let me tuck you

in like

yeah is that yes I'm starting to feel

warm all over

now Jer and I will make you some hot

milk H hot milk most good for worms

worms I haven't got worms not worms of

worms you you mean CS oh

gold well I must say it's very good of

you all to come and visit me take a

chair each jelly good

good where do you wish us to take chair

don't want you to take them anywhere

just sit down on them over

here Mr Brown I have something here to

make you feel much better yeah well it's

very good of you Al but I don't want any

more medicine but it is jolly good for

your chest are you sure oh blimy

yes

well let's have a look

then oh it smells awful I'm telling you

it is guaranteed to kill or

cure I'm not sure I like the first

alternative well here

goes it's

fou oh dear me I'm thinking you should

not have been drinking that medicine you

said it would cure my chest yes but

you're supposed to be rubbing you

on you poison me

I ring the doctor it's more important we

ring the priest priest what for last

Sacrament you may be dead before the

doctor comes oh great you may as well go

all the way and send for the Undertaker

okay what's his

address C us please he's not being

poisoned this medicine also very good

for your stomach it makes you get up and

go just like bres that's all I

need SU this

Vis Brown I have spilled all the milk

all over my dress and now it will be

ruined you haven't spilled the whole

Pine T you that was for day and

tomorrow thank you very much you better

go and sponge it off in the

bathroom are you all right you have gone

a funny color I think it was something I

just drank shall I give you the kiss of

Life yes no no catch my code you can

give me the kiss of Life

please me

too so do you like the kissing yes oh

yes yes please oh good I shall give both

of you the most beautiful Branch kiss

oh oh I wonder who's going to be

first close your eyes

[Music]

[Applause]

[Laughter]

there excuse Mr Brown is there anything

else you are wishing us to do yes just

go home you don't want us to stay no no

I appreciate your calling but it's just

that I would recover much quicker if I

were left alone okay we got to the PB we

hope you much better soon Mr Brown come

on

Ali good

evening good

night Master G no yellow hot bottle oh

thank you Jim oh see who that is would

you

what are you doing here I W bed for

Mastery it's all right Miss Courtney she

means she was just warming a hot water

bottle for me Mr Brown it is highly

improper for this young lady to be here

alone with a man a well I can assure you

miss Courtney that nothing improper is

taking

place she where can I hang my

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

dress

good night Mr Brown

sir good evening rangie what do you want

I am coming here to be making you over

the weather over the weather yeah

because I'm hearing you are under the

weather better come in and sit down are

we going to be sitting down together no

I still don't feel too well I think

bed's the best place what you say

[Laughter]

I didn't

mean oh see who that is

rang please to come in I can't to see

how Mr

BR you okay terrible never mind I come

to cheer you up oh good I could do it

cheering up I think uh you not look very

well I think he look very white he is

white but he looks more white than

before I think you have what we call in

Seva the three day

gria I don't like the sound of that only

last three days on the first day fever

like you have on the second day white as

you are and on the third day you get

better you

dieo oh thanks for coming to cheer me up

all right I bring you something don't

tell me it's some Spanish medicine

recommended for rubbing on chests no

Medina

F Spanish brand

it's a good

T strong kilo

J not household J any G I must say it's

warming me up

already going I have some more sure

sure I

go

come in sit down have a drink R yes

please Mr Brown I need some glasses are

your eyes bad as

well I mean glasses to drink from

apologies well some on the sideboard

bring

three

uh you are brown thank you

one for thank

you one for

most I'm

one for

[Applause]

[Laughter]

one Bottoms Up what is bottoms

up an English phrase used when having a

drink I am thinking it is not easy to be

drinking with bottom

up it refers to the glass the bottom of

the glass tip it up ah see as you say up

the

hatch Down the Hatch see down the Hat

yeah now I'm understanding I am also

knowing another saying round the teeth

and through the gums look out tummy here

it

comes very good

you mind if I have another oh look you

finished the bottle I was just beginning

to enjoy myself I have a brought genuine

Japanese uh Sak oh sake yes I've heard

of that it's what those um gisha girls

give you isn't it gisha

girls give you much

more yes so I understand hey is it true

that the g a girl they give you the bus

on the

nothingness in Japan man has

cold he go

see what happens kha prepare hot B then

wash Mana all

over I should think that would send your

temperature up

after a man on batt gisha Rob him with

perfumed oil

sir does that cure a c no no it makes it

much

[Laughter]

nicer look if anybody leave the catch on

the lock so that if anybody comes they

can walk straight

in good evening Mr blown Su and Anna

they bring you some things to make you

well oh well that's very kind of you but

actually I'm feeling a lot better these

will clear your head instant take

well I've tried everything else I'm sure

a couple more pills won't won't make any

difference now we need some hot water no

it's all right I'll take it with a

socki have what for you do that oh you

said the clear in my head you are

supposed to put some in the hot water

and Breeze in the

[Laughter]

[Applause]

fumes what about you suly have you

brought some Chinese medicine for me oh

this is not medicine this is very

ancient Chinese treatment is it anything

like the g girls give you oh much better

oh wow in

that first you must slip yeah all

right only to ways

oh now right out on stomach like this uh

yes I'm ready very

good oh slamy what's the matter nothing

nothing nothing

whatsoever oh that's lovely can you do

the other side as

well I've heard of kill or cure but

that's ridicul what are you doing

acupuncture very old Chinese custom I

got it from honorable ancestors well

honorable ancestors can Joly well have

it

back come

back we are all each of us bringing

something to tear you up Jamaica

Ram French wine Greek uzo and Italian

graa hey you tasted that

huh you say it was an accident ah

accident Daniel spill milk on her dress

I see it appears that for once I have

misjudged Mr

Brown but I suppose I had better call in

an apologize on my way

home want another

[Applause]

drink

hey everybody it's

[Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause]

[Music]

Thea

Mr

[Music]

[Applause]

Brown hello miss courney this is

disgraceful no please this is

cono silence I suggest you all leave

immediately

[Applause]

[Music]

as for you Mr Brown words fail oh come

on M courney they're already coming here

to cheer me up I warn you Mr brand if

this sort of thing ever occurs again in

the future you are out Mr

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

wo

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

pap

[Music]

do

[Music]

do looking for someone Mr

svanes never

mind

good evening one you only just made it

but come along into the classroom in a

moment first I have to go some place

oh hey come on this this

way hi good evening

everyone well uh

I may as well warn you that I'm not in

the best of humors tonight in fact I

have a serious complaint why not you go

as a doctor it's not that sort of

complaint Danielle I'm far from happy

with your progress I feel as if I'm

banging my head against a brick wall oh

blimy if you're doing that you will be

getting a

headache I checked your homework last

night and frankly I think you're getting

worse now Max the correct form of

address for a cardinal is not

Westminster

Cathedral I didn't know he'd moved

that should have been your eminence and

Danielle the word conjugate is applied

to verbs and has nothing whatsoever to

do with marital

relations oh I am sorry and as for you

ran well some of your answers made no

sense whatsoever that is because I'm not

understanding the gft of the questions

so I'm answering different questions

that I do

understand that is not the object of

homework thousand apologies what a Sarah

giovan what time do you call this uh 10

7 you're late haven't you got a watch ah

I had a watch it was a beautiful watch

it was rust proof shocker proof

waterproof everything the only trouble

is it wasn't quite super proof super

proof yeah last night I'm working in the

restaurant and whoops at a daisy I

dropped it in the

sofa have you seen one Juan

what Juan cantes oh excy no where the

devil has he got

to it's okay my friend wait here for me

oh I don't know about that it's only to

Finish class oh all right then do you

want a cup of tea he not speak the

English good not like

me you waake here no speak no nothing Ko

No

KO okay okay okay there

you right now this evening we're going

to concentrate on the alphabet I'm going

to around the class and I want each of

you to give me a word beginning with a

different letter from the alphabet Max

we'll start with you a or

a a

disk no Max that's a d all right d

desk no Max's desk does not begin with a

letter A I want a word beginning with

the letter

A a door good a door well done excuse

please yes H I'm not understanding why

you are saying a desk is not right but a

door is right oh yes well you see when

Max said a door he was meaning the verb

to a door and although they do sound the

same he didn't mean a door for example

this door am I right Max sure you right

I'm meaning

henyo at this right it'll take us a week

weak to get through the alphabet oh

we'll try again Max please give me a a

word beginning with the letter a and I

don't want a something just one word

beginning with the letter A think of a

fruit apple apple good janielle b b for

brown good B for beautiful yeah thank

you

Danielle Anna C red red what's that got

to do with C red C

I want a word beginning with the letter

c Carl yes well

done Taro d

a dark Darko well

dark dark s good Jam

e heaving good excellent well done

javani F thick thck that's right no

there's no such word as Fick sure there

is my boss is English and he say lots of

times through thick and through

th yes well your boss's grammar isn't

very good and don't give me the Old

Chestnut about his grandmar being very

good for her age I not say that good

she's

dead everybody look there's far too much

levity in this class don't forget that

you have your exams coming up shortly

now I'll try and take it seriously

please Giovani a word beginning with f

female good well done Su G glate glate

as in glate Wall of China built by groia

Chinese workers ah yes thank you

Su ah fun well we're just going through

the alphabet

for a b c d e ah see

alabo uh would you like to give me a

word beginning with the letter

HRA ah

palabra a

May no one that's a j July I want h ah

see a yeah well I'll accept that it's

all right doesn't matter sit

down

h

i you are

what word beginning with the letter i

Infidel are you meaning

me sit down ranit J

jackass are you meaning me most

definitely your damn one of you monkey

face quiet please sit down both of you

Danielle k k for kind hearted good okay

for

kiss L I think that'll do Danielle thank

you uh Max L

elephant no Max try

again love good Anna M

Zing no knitting begins with a

k

what do you knit

with ah

W what are

these needles needles excellent well

done Giovani can you give me a word

beginning with the letter o orival no

olid day no

opless yes you are you keep dropping

your

aspirat

and not drop nothing no no no no an

aspirate is the sound made by the letter

H the words you've given me all start

with h and not with an O excuse I want a

word beginning with o come on how to

side that's better excuse me Mr Brown ah

hello Miss Courtney wants to see you in

the te- room ah all right I'll be as

quick as I can gvan would you take

charge of the class one the way see

Professor I think you better come too

Pedro Miss Courtney's found your fishy

friend are you going to answer me look

what is your

name who are you and what are you doing

here what seems to be the problem Miss

courney this is I just came in here and

found him well he seems to be some sort

of Foreigner but I can't get a word out

of him is he one of yours no I well you

can find out what he's doing here after

all you do seem to have a way with these

foreign persons

I'll do my best

hello what is your name

name speak

English say something even it's only got

naughty Amigo everything's all right not

worry not worry oh H you know this

person see I tell you truth it's my

brother your brother I don't believe you

okay I tell you truth it's not my

brother it's a good friend we sleep

together not in the same bed same room

look uh why don't you tell me the whole

story okay I make it a clean chest

breast see but you must promise me not

to tell nobody well let's hear what you

have to say first his name is Boris it's

marino marino she

oh a sailor sailor last night he com in

back where I work he's rushing Russian

you mean he was in a hurry no no he's

rushing from

Russia sailor a Russian

sailor we drink Vodka see vodka and he

asked me for mental home asked you for

what he say no go back Russia ask me for

mental home

Asylum political

Asylum he's a Defector no he's

roing you know let him take him back oh

no of course not this is a free country

if he wants to stay here he's perfectly

at Liberty to do so welcome to England

[Laughter]

[Applause]

comrade

[Applause]

[Music]

cencio what do you want you're supposed

to be studying the books who say so how

say so yeah look Professor is put me in

charge you got to do what I tell you now

I'm going to ask you the questions and

you're going to give me the

answers OK

CI

Ali yeah yes please what is a noun oh

blimy it is very simple NAA is a lady

who is living in a

Convent

kasana

Jam what's the plural of a thief ah

the plural of a thief a

thief Robbers no no not robbers look

these are

robbers one a th two THS that's

better

Max what's the opposite of

bitter

lter that's not right sure it is

opposite of bitter money is lot of

money thank you Gan you can sit down H

uh when I think it might be a good idea

if Boris sat next to

you for your uh general information

Boris is from Russia much better he sit

next me rather than representative of C

philosophy sorry to disappoint you suly

but Boris has decided to change horses

oh blame me is he a Russian

cowboy no Ellie I mean that he's decided

that he prefers our Democratic way of

life to the Russian regime he's a

Defector he's pler but Ling Russian

Embassy we'll do no such thing Su uh

Boris has made his decision and after

the class Miss Courtney will inform the

home office who will then decide whether

he can stay why he wish to re Lasher

well I hav the faintest idea hey maybe

he's a spy yeah a double hent maybe Su

is right we send him back where he came

from he should be

interrogated sit down everybody quiet

please sit down I'm sure that bis has a

perfectly good reason for wishing to

remain here bis D would you come out

here

please F does Boris speak any English uh

I teach him a little oh good why do you

wish to leave

Russia I see you speak English as well

as as one does yeah it's all right why

do you wish to leave

Russia well come over

here Russia

D England D why you leave Russia to stay

in England

ah

[Laughter]

ah a

woman is this true one she she last

night in bar he meets beautiful girl he

has fallen how you say heels

overhead Head Over

Heels oh well thank you Boris you can

sit down H uh sit

down leave move

congratulations well suly I'm sure even

you wouldn't wish to stand in the way of

true love true should be for State not

individual yes well not this side of the

Iron Curtain now where were we up to in

the alphabet uh which letter have we got

to p p well then suppose you give me a

word beginning with p propaganda

propaganda as used by decadent Western

World to spread rice about grous peace

rubbing

Chinese so Le do you have to make a

political speech every time you answer a

question yes CH M he say it is duty of

those who can see to guide Brian right

up Loth the eight points for attention

are as follows do not damage clocks do

not take rties with women do

not thank you that'll do Ali you give me

a word beginning with

q q yes go

on Q yes come on Q Ali will you give me

a word beginning with the letter Q oh

blamy I'm giving it to you three times

already Q like bus stop Q oh yes I'm

sorry well done Taro a

awesome radio good ranit s

Eskimo Eskimo begins with an E thousand

apologies think of a word that describes

you stupid don't you call me stupid you

halfed Pakistani papadam don't you call

me Pakistani papadam you brown of

chap all right that'll do sit down with

both of you one

t

t

te no no one I don't mean it's time for

the tea break never mind sit

down excuse me Mr Brown what what is it

this time Glades there's another one

turned up another what a rusy I've shown

him into Miss Courtney's office I am

captain are you and you are Mrs I am

Miss

Courtney a fine woman like you has no

husband

no I am understanding you prefer to have

the lovers certainly

not now will you please get to the point

I have reason to believe that one of my

men is here really oh come Mrs C

Miss we both know he's here he must come

back to the ship and return to Russia

that is for him to decide enter wish to

see me miss cotney this is Captain Ivan

Ivanovich Mr Brown our English teacher

how are you doing very well thank

you I welcome you to England you and

your compatriot are perfectly safe here

don't have to go back to Russia if you

don't want

to Mr Brown yes the captain has no wish

to stay here he has come to take back

the other person ah but you can't do

that why not well uh he doesn't want to

go back he's met this girl you see and

they want to get married no it's

impossible we are only being here for

the one night yeah well it was love at

first sight no peoples do not fall in

love at first sight peoples do I tell

you he cannot be getting an English wife

why not because he already has a Russian

one saying that he's already mared

Anastasia well this puts an entirely

different complexion on the matter I'm

afraid we have no alternative but to

return your roving shipmate will you see

to it Mr bran very

well you are a woman of great per

reception as well as being

beautiful thank you you are reminding me

so much of your great National figure oh

yes people have said I resemble the

queen no no not the queen British

bulog one I asked you the question what

is the name for a group of

cows hey come on you know what I'm

saying you might have fool Professor

you're not the fool of me huh now what's

the name for a group of a cows I don't

know a heard the

cows heard the cows sure I heard a

cow Santa Maria heard the cows is a lot

of cows and you speak a lot of

BS thank you

dear thank goodness your back I tell you

Professor I don't know how you put up

with all these foreigners

bis Dada yeah well there's a set a

friend of yours outside waiting to take

you back to the ship captain Ivanovich

nit yeah not nit da da he's told me all

about Anastasia

Anastasia for your general information

Anastasia is boris's wife back in

Russia the Rand

kak you will permit me Mr BR all yours

Captain

G now come along pay attention we've had

enough interruptions for one evening

which letter in the alphabet were we up

to ah me t

good well one tacco tobacco good uh Max

you me no no no no no no no no the

letter you umbrella yes good but uh not

umbrella

umbrella

ho Anna V vent vent yes good as in air

vent nine as in I vent to wash my hands

no Anna those V those words begin with W

I want a word beginning with v what

instrument does y hoodi menu in play a

fiddle a

violin

good uh Danielle w w for war good W for

when I only wanted one word

Daniel excuse me Mr Brown what is it

this time Gladis he's back who's back I

live and the

terrible wants to see

you ja would

you ah Captain you wanted to see me yes

Mr Barn could I could I please have a

word with

you will you please speak on my behalf

now please will you do this one thing

for me

please thank you Mr

than enter Miss courtley we've got a bit

of a problem Captain Ivanovich is

outside oh don't tell me his compatriot

has escaped oh no Boris is safely on his

way back to the ship well then why is

the captain returned well he wants to

defect you see he says like Boris that

he's fallen heels overhead in love oh

these foreigners are impossible why tell

him to go away his infatuations have

nothing to do with us well I'm afraid

this one has you see he says uh he's

fallen in love with

you little English

bulog I am loving you

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

Mrs

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

d

[Music]

[Music]

do

good evening

everyone not all here yet then I see oh

well not to worry oh good evening gvan

oh it's not good anything hi what's the

matter I've got a terrible

overhang the word is hangover or

whatever it is I've got it I drank too

much Veno at lunchtime oh it's fatal to

drink at midday oh oh good evening Max

oh please don't speak too loud I am

thinking you you have been also looking

on the wine too much that's the trouble

he's not looking he's drinking like a me

yeah why did you drink so much it was

the Feast of my patron saint St maximilo

so we had a drink then we drink to my

Patron St Giovani then we have a dring

for my patriarch then one for the pope

arimis sop and after that I remember

nothing me neither yeah well you better

go and sit down gently

excuse me

please ah that way Ali what are you

doing I'm checking with my compass they

checking what I'm wanting to find out

where is Mecca hey I know where Mecca is

it's a Bigg dance place in

hamerson ah you Spaghetti Head you are

not understanding I'm EXP learning to

you tomorrow I'm having the honor of

leading the prayer in our holy M so

tonight I'm going to have a practice

after the class ah waste of time the

seik religion is the true fight that's

not true Catholic religion is a

true Roman

Catholic what about Greek Orthodox what

about Martin

Luther not

only

[Applause]

sett down everyone sit down actually

you're all wrong according to the Bible

the original true Faith was the Jewish

one I don't believe it it's true it's

holy R Who WR

it holy RIT is the Bible yeah you can't

believe everything you read in the Bible

no why not well some of its how you say

fairies Tales you take a that Adam and

Eve now you're not going to tell me it

was only an apple he was

after yeah I know what he was

[Music]

after I'm sure you do but uh we won't

pursue that you're here to improve your

English not disprove the Bible Danielle

is late this evening however we'll carry

on without her right as you know in a

few weeks time you will all be taking

your lower Cambridge so tonight I

thought I'd give you an oral examination

you are wanting to look at our

tooths no no I mean that I'm going to go

around the class and ask you all to give

me some answers and hope that I get some

correct ones yeah have having a quiz yes

sort of like Mr

Mind Mastermind yes please actually

that's not a bad idea R Let's uh make it

competitive we'll have a knockout

competition you mean like at the big

punch up only verbally I'll go around

the class and whoever fails to answer a

question correctly drops out all right

now where shall we start uh yes Jamila

I'll give you an easy one to start with

um what is the plural of Goose goose yes

one goose

gooses she's knocked

out the plural of goose is geese OHA

geese uh we won't count that let's have

another one uh let me see uh what what

is the opposite of good not

good I would have preferred you to have

said bad but we we'll accept that all

right uh Giovani what is an epistle

that's easy an epistle is the wife of an

apostle

that's you I'm wrong yes an epistle is a

letter Max give me another word for

forward McDonald

McDonald yeah he plays forward for

Arsenal I don't mean that kind of

forward in other words for for for

moving

forward had Vance Advance yes good well

and uh another word for debunk deed

no h it means to ridicule Al correct the

following sentence last night I am going

to the cinema last night I not going to

the

cinema wrong it is not wrong because

last night I'm not going anywhere at all

you should have said last night I went

to the cinema but I'm telling you I

didn't went it doesn't matter whether

you did or didn't you're out all

right I'm sorry I'm so late Mr BR that's

all right Danielle were you held up by

the traffic no I was held up by a man

Heavens you you mean a muger I do not

know his

name but he works as a woodwork teacher

here in the school one of the teachers

here tried to rob you no not rob me oh

well surely not uh he was trying to

chatter me up oh I see he wanted to take

me out you want I give him a bunch of

fibs he's bigger than you Max

everybody's bigger than Max

hey what what you're saying huh I listen

NRI you

don't okay come outside all right settle

down you two come on don't worry about

it Daniel I'm sure that this uh woodwork

teacher whatever his name is was only

trying to be friendly but he was trying

to be more than friendly he would not

let me go pass until I agreed to have

dinner with him he does seem to have

been rather persistent then Erica I have

heard you say a brainwash way yes I tell

him I cannot go out with him because I

am engaged to be married oh very good

quick thinking there's any one problem

what was that I tell him I'm engaged to

be married to

you me yes it was a good idea yes it was

a good idea no did anybody over hear you

only Gladis oh great that's worse than

putting it on News at 10 it'll be way

the school by now you say that Mr Brown

is engaged to his French student that's

right I heard her tell Mr Jarvis in the

te- room well is absolutely

disgraceful I think he might have had

the decency to tell me first tell you

yes it's most

inconsiderate oh

dear I'm sorry I didn't know didn't know

what oh nothing nothing I must be

getting

back go GL did you say anything to miss

Courtney about Danielle and me oh only

in passing oh great I've been going

second I didn't mean any harm I'd no

idea she felt that way what way about

you what are you talking about oh

unrequited love paron you and her

ladyship she fancies you oh don't be

ridiculous yeah oh it's true oh she was

very upset when she heard about you and

Danielle I don't know where you got this

ridiculous story from but you are

completely mistaken oh no I'm not I

heard her but I mean she told you that

she fancied me well not in so many words

but I knew was written all over her face

I can't believe it yes oh it's not

unusual though oh lots of older women

fall for younger men my sister ran off

with a 30y old Milkman really how old

was your sister

65 but miss Courtney's always given me

the impression that she didn't like me

oh well women are very funny and she's

at a funny age yeah you can say that

again well the best of luck thank you

come to think of it you're not far off

it

yourself

and Miss Courtney well well if it isn't

the college Casanova yes I've come to

explain about that are you sure you can

spare the time it's a complete

misunderstanding you see I'm not really

engaged to Danielle she only said that

to uh stop one of the teachers from

pestering her really it's perfectly true

uh the chap who takes the woodwork class

was trying to chat her up Mr Jarvis is

that his name well I I've never met him

anyway she concocted the whole thing

just to get out of an embarrassing

situation I see I'm terribly sorry

especially in view of um well in view of

what yeah well I hardly like to mention

it well you have mentioned it so you may

as well continue well let me say right

away that it's a perfectly natural thing

to happen what is well for one person to

be attracted to another despite a

difference in their ages to what two

persons are you referring well you and

I you and I

yes Mr Brown I had no idea you felt like

that about

me well as you said yourself It's

Perfectly Natural oh you poor dear boy

oh no scy you don't understand oh but I

do men have always found me rather

fascinating yeah I'm sure they have look

let me explain now there's no need to

apologize for the way you feel yes of

course it's out of the question Miss

Courtney please now don't start

groing don't get over it yes I suppose I

will and now I suggest you go and squash

this foolish rumor about you and your

French fiance all right I'll do that

thank

you and Mr Brown yes Miss Courtney don't

worry about this other little Affair I

shall tell her so your secret is safe

with me you're very

kind poor fellow oh come on Danel come

on Mr P Danel aren't you in the

classroom I am trying to explain to Mr

Jarvis was I said between us is not true

sure it's every man for himself is it

bro look I'd appreciate it Mr Jarvis if

you stopped pestering my students if you

don't mind a bit sensitive aren't we to

to the green eye is it certainly not

well then as they say in this lovely

lady's land F shut your Gob don't you

speak to Mr Brown like this he will be

angry with you oh really he is not

frightened of you oh aren't you well I'm

not no he's not and if you're not

careful he will hit you Danel could NY

fly look Jarvis I'm not the SL and he is

ready whenever you are right tonight

after class in the yard we'll have a

buch

[Music]

up Mr BR thanks uh F you drop a chly a

chly wink chly wink a drink oh a drink

drop a Jack The Dandy Jack The Dandy

drop a Blandy oh get this jum up with a

big fight no thanks please your

J I suppose it's uh all over the school

ah the news has got around here listen I

can give you a few tips you know tips

yeah I used to read them right oh uh

fine you've got it you got it listen

I'll tell you what you do you put your

hands up right then you stand and you

start weaving all of a sudden you do the

shuffle

and sorry actually I feel rather nervous

oh it's the anal it an allerin yeah

adrenaline oh well you should

know you should be all right once you've

hit him a couple of times yeah it's him

hitting me that's worrying me per you

had a quiet word with him he might

forget the whole thing listen you can't

back out with now there's a principal

involved well let her fight Mr Jarvis

they're more evenly M yeah but listen

it's a point of Honor you must let Mr

Jarvis know your fr

I think he knows already oh I'll see you

later don't forget the old one

too this fight what about it well we

show you out the wind when you get in

the ring first you smash him in the

stomach and when his head comes down you

knee him under the chin no no no no no

much better CH the back no no no no

first you hit him in the throat and then

you BST him in the

stomach

all right all right that any more

fighting you're here to learn English I

mean don't forget why you're here right

now who haven't I asked a question so

far right suie give me the comparative

and the superlative of the following

adjective all right rude lud Luda lud

right

right uh ranit complete the following

proverb a bird in the hand makes mess on

your

wrist

a bird in the hand is worth two in the

bush you're out right Danielle explain

the meaning of the word

illiterate that is someone whose parents

are not

married Danielle that's

illegitimate sorry

ju give me the opposite of the following

words ready not ready yeah I had to

start I I lost that's enough that's not

the

stop H go sit down stand up oh somebody

stoping please silencio hey I do good

yes good

talent

T me the following tenses of the verb to

move past perfect the present perfect

the past

continuous don't say something Tero I am

out

right two have you got left

in yeah well let's see how many of you

can survive another

round can you count up to

10 count up to 10 1 2

3 in

English

one

two four

three six oh sorry

Max give me another word uh and explain

to me what uh what is the meaning of

syntax the tax you pay when you go to

the

church no it means sentence

construction trully Spell democracy c h

i n

a because if i' asked you to spell

dictatorship you spelled out England or

Amica well one that leaves only you if

you can answer the next question

correctly you will be the brain of the

class which doesn't say an awful lot for

the rest of you for never

mind here is your question what is

another name for a valley between two

mountains Valley between two mountains

see yes

uh

us w

yes I

will I am the big the big bra yeah it

goes with your big

head don't stop

please squeeze me please Mr Brown yes it

is homing time not quite but you are

wanting to get ready for your big fight

tonight with the oer teacher we are

wanting to be there in time to see you

knock the stiffing out of him there's

not going to be any fight you not mean

that I do Santa Maria what about all the

money we

bet honey you you betting on the result

sure we all put in one each but £10 on

me to win no we back the other

fell thanks a lot no I'm only joking

sure we back you to win you ready

then ready yeah for the fight ah yes the

fight look uh could I have a word with

you Mr JIS

outside well look we're both reasonable

men I'm

not look um I'm sure we can settle this

amicably well I'm sure we can oh have

not your block off ah just the two

persons I wanted to see what's all this

I hear about a fight it's just a private

matter between Mr Brown and myself

nonsense it's common knowledge

throughout the whole school now step

into my office shut the door behind you

take heed for I shall not tell you again

I will not have members of my staff

brawling in public I absolutely forbid

it you do most definitely oh good I mean

what a Pity I was quite looking forward

to it that's not the impression I got

you mean to tell me that you were

actually looking forward to this fight

oh yes besides there was a point of

honor at stake what point of Honor well

this person insulted Miss Daniel favra

he forced his attentions on her I

see male chauvinism a Mr Jarvis well why

not we we like to be dominated nonsense

oh come now miss Courtney the man is by

nature the hunting well this puts an

entirely different complexion on the

matter it does yes much as I have poor

fighting I feel that under the

circumstances perhaps your motives were

Justified we can of little punch up in

the yard certainly not oh thank goodness

you will settle your differences in a

much more civil ized and sporting manner

oh I quite agree how about a game of

chess the school has a perfectly good

gymnasium if you must knock each other

about I suggest you do it there tomorrow

night after

[Applause]

class where is Mr Brown he's just

putting his gloves up oh and he comes

now

[Applause]

sit down please I heard something for

you what's that if you put this in his

gloves yeah probably my wrist too no

thank you excuse

please no Tera you do that after

each all right all right Gentlemen

please please ladies and gentlemen

this is a three round contest 3 minutes

each round on my right from the woodwork

Department rigel

[Music]

J and on my left from the language class

jeny

[Applause]

Brown now listen I want a good clean

fight remember this I want no scratching

bulging gouging eating the belt shake

hands now come out

F second

[Applause]

[Applause]

out yet

on this must be might not a

[Applause]

[Music]

dance

all right You' asked for it give you the

old Al

Shuffle

[Applause]

2 that corner

big

you are getting him very worried yeah

he's worried he's going to kill me we're

going to lose our money we got to do

something I have an

idea hey that's a good

idea hey Mr woodwork you box real good

you know

thanks listen you boxed before I want

you Dr

I don't re your Mr Brown STS much of a

chance well maybe somehow I don't think

i' like to be in your shoes

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

yeah

[Applause]

oh good evening

everyone Mr Brown I want to thank you

what you did last night you were so bra

well it was nothing really Brown Mr

Brown what is it oh blimy he's at it

again who's at it again that Ocker

teacher Mr Jarvis he's making advantages

to jamaa advances yes please so I'm

giving a kick in his back side and now

he's challenging me to a punch up oh not

again I don't think you should go

through with it Alie I mean with all due

respect you're not as experienced as I

am that is what I am thinking so I'm

telling this to Mr Jarvis good the fight

is taking place tonight in the

gymnasium I'm sorry I thought you said

you weren't fighting him oh no not me

but I'm naming you as my

[Applause]

substitute

[Music]

do do do do

[Music]

what do you think you're all playing at

squeeze please we are not playing we are

arguing see I'm 5 minutes late and

you're all getting at each other's

throats already he's insulting my

prophet and he's insulting my Guru well

sit down come on all of you Su tell sit

down Danielle I'm surprised at you what

were you and Max arguing about well

nothing honest I I just asked her to

come for a Greek meal and I thought we

could have a little bit of this and a

little bit of that it's a little bit of

zza that I don't like sit

down giovan what were you and Juan

quarreling over he's to make a fun of

Santa Maria but Santa Maria the Virgin

Mary no Luigi Santa Maria the Italian

footballer Ian footballers animals you

shut your mouth you big Spanish

onion without you if you all spend half

as much energy on learning English as

you do on arguing with each other you'd

be Word Perfect by now as it is you

still have a lot to learn just over a

week you take your examinations and I

don't think you're quite ready at all

exqueeze please you are committing a

mistake no I'm not you may have mastered

a few verbs but you speak English

atrociously all we need is a little

electrocution hello ution H you're quite

right Max what you all need is to

practice your English conversation now

part of your exam will consist of how

well you speak English as well as know

it so before we break for tea I'm going

to go around the class and I want each

of you to speak for one minute in turn

on whatever subject I give you all right

we'll start with you Danielle your

subject is the seaside the

seaside I like to go to the beach take

all my clothes off and lie in the

Sun

tell me which beach I come and

watch don't interrupt Giovani sit down

go on Dan one weekend I went to the

aisle of the men at the aisle of man yes

but I was very disappointed they were

not all

men so thank you Danielle that'll do

well done Ali yes please television

jelly good uh I am liking very much the

English

television every night I'm watching the

crosswords

Crossroads uh yes please uh I'm also

liking all the advertisements and I am

learning lots of useful English things

like a graded grains making finer

flour and little perforations it's very

only one thing I'm not liking what's

that paying the money for the

license worry Al thank you well done

jell good suly your subject philosophy

very

good in Democratic Republic of China

philosophy is for the pl where all

property invested in community each

member working according to his capacity

and receiving according to it wants as

opposed to Western philosophy where PL

exploited by collab Capital andaris the

war

MERS Hitler chairman ma he say that is

not true

true

Jer a minute please is an

art art painting oh huh a painting I

like very much painting last wedding's

day I am did painting but you painted a

picture no no picture I painting kitchen

door I don't mean that sort of painting

I mean works by the great Masters like

Leonardo da Vinci turner matis oh a huh

now last week ending I am going to Tatty

Gallery

take take and I am not like what I

see pantings of ladies Barefoot up to

here and showing their bosoms and all

that and also paintings of undressed

gentlemen showing all I think we're

going to the

T all right Anna can you speak for a

minute on life after death yeah

I do not believe in life after death

when you are dead that is the end that's

not true when you die you go to heaven

well as the Catholics go to

heaven talk about everybody else

everybody else go to

hell If Heaven is full of Catholics like

you I would prefer to go to hell yeah I

don't think we'll pursue that subject

for anymore if you don't mind thank you

Anna Max a minute please on British

Birds I like British Birds especially

blondes why that is not very funny Max

sorry every day in the garden of my

lodging house I have many birds Blacky

Birds cocky sparrows and uh sometimes a

blue

breast tit a blue

tit okay yesterday

I see a red robin

tit well that's a robin RED

Press okay yes the British Birds much

confusing yeah well never mind well done

now giovan what should we give you to

speak about

girls I don't think so giovan have you

any hobbies sure my favorite hobby is

girls haven't you any other Hobbies sure

but not as

good I know it's difficult for you

giovan but try and speak for one minute

without bringing girls into your

conversation okay I've got two other

Hobbies the first hobby is making the

wine what's the second hobby drinking

it after I drink it I do my third hobby

but you don't let me talk about

that hey my friend Vincenzo is Obie is

pinching Oh you mean he's a thief no not

a thief he said his hobby was pinching

what does he pinch you don't let me talk

about that

e thank you Giovani that'll do thank you

ranit what can you tell us about

Evolution nothing at

all why not I am not knowing what it

means well it means the origin of the

species where we all came from ah now I

am understanding good I came from Punjab

he came from Italy she came from France

no no no no you're taking me too

literally I mean I want you to speak

about how life itself began thousand

apologies Life begin when man and lady

make

love yes but before that what

happened they put the light

out no no no Darwin's theory of

evolution ranged is that life was not

created but evolved from a pre-existing

form the first forms of life were in the

sea and then came creatures who got out

of the sea and crawled on their legs

then became four-legged mammal

then came creatures who learned to stand

on two legs and then came the great apes

and then came the

Muslims don't you call me ape you son of

a crosy

goat if I have any more trouble you both

stay behind for extra

study

one let's hear your observations on the

Stars ah see stars there's plenty Stars

yeah well can you name some see uh

Sophia laoren

Qui sorry Mr Brown just a joke just if

it isn't too much trouble can you try

being more serious for one minute she

she minute I speak serious for one

minute

stars in the heaven plenty Stars some

big stars some little

stars some not so big stars some not so

little stars some Bright Stars some dull

Stars some not so bright

stars thank

you hey I know speak for one minute yeah

well I think you've spoken for long

enough thank Taro

awesome a minute please on childhood not

one speak about chudo why not very bad

time for me me no

parents no parents Santa Maria is a

miracle

baby mother and father killed when I was

a small

boy

childhood very

lonely yes ter I know what you mean did

you lose your parents when you were a

little boy well I didn't exactly lose

them I just don't know who they are youa

an orphan yes that's terrible well one

Easter Monday when I was about 2 weeks

old I was left on the steps of an

orphanage in Jeremy Street hence my name

Jeremy oh dear me I'm being very sad for

you not having a

mommy yeah well cheer up early what you

never have you never miss matter of fact

until I was about two I was convinced

that my mommy was a big woolly teddy

bear although I must say I do often

wonder sometimes whether I have any

brothers or sisters

hey we be your brothers and sisters sure

we all become one big happy family yay

and I will be your

brother and I will be your sister well

not quite

sister well that's uh very kind of you

all uh I think we'll break for tea now

all right yes

yes ah good evening Mr Brown uh good

evening Miss Courtney headache no thanks

I've already got

one you like a couple of aspirin I think

I need a drink actually strong black

coffee might help yeah a double Scotch

might help a bit more no I need a break

a nice quiet 10 minutes away from my

students will do me the world of

good what kind tomato juice please I'm

only wanting CAA please barel glass of

milk please look I've only got one pair

of ANS hey the beautiful

hand thank you you're beautiful girl

uh what did you want

brand oh look I'm right out I'll have to

go to the other bar I won't be a minute

hey what

about hey boys look here is Mr Brown

what are you all doing

here what it makes a change canteen

coffee not very good can we be buying

you a drinky please well that's very

kind of you Alie but I've got a bit of a

headache so if you don't mind I'll just

have a quiet sit down over over there

a hello Mr brand oh hello yes

please don't you ever get drunk every

night I can't face the wife

sober you got any family hey you

got any family any children oh yes and

no what do you mean yes and no well me

and Li we did have a nipp once and I was

out of work had no money got a bit

desperate so I wrapped the baby up well

took it out put it on the steps of the

orphanage an orphanage

yeah in Jeremy Street Jeremy Street it

wasn't on Easter Monday was it yes it

[Applause]

was s your father are you sure right so

what did he say when you told him well I

haven't told him yet but you must oh I

don't know some things are best left

alone I mean after all it was a long

time ago nearly 30 years the truth Mr

Brown must be told do you think it's

wise I mean uh it's a bit of a shock to

realize that you're related to someone

so rough and vulgar oh nonsense I'm sure

Sid will soon get used to

you thank

you you know come to think of it and

looking at you now there's quite a

resemblance

Sid and me yes especially the profile

like father like son oh

dear what about your mother yeah what

about her according to Sid she sounds a

right old Dragon well I think it's very

romantic

enter I just brought the stop room key

back sorry I'm I'm not protruding am

I no Sydney of course not quite the

opposite in fact your presence here is

most opportune oh Mr Brown has something

to say to you haven't you Mr Brown um

yes well uh I'll leave you two

alone what do you want to say son

son you just called me son well don't

get your nickers in the twist I call

everybody son except the birds oh in any

case I'm old enough to be your

father look um sit down

Sid cigarettes S no I'm sorry I've just

run right out no no no I'm offering you

one oh that's very kind of you thanks

very

much listen uh she

what I wanted to ask you is uh yeah

well well you

see how are you keeping that's oh good

good good listen what is it you want to

say to me ah yes when you see it it

could be a bit

embarrassing it's not about the Cape of

Good o is it Cape of Good o the soap

that we use for the wash basins so I

only did it once

yeah it was near Christmas and I was a

bit short you see now he fugged about

half a

dozen what you sold six bars of soap

cases got pal of mne in the market you

sells anything yeah I wish you hadn't

told me about that wasn't about the soap

no I never even heard of it is about the

Crockery Crockery in the canteen haven't

been stealing Crockery have you I only

took about a dozen of each and some of

them were all chipped you be telling me

next you've been nicking the chairs do

what nicking the chair chairs no I never

need any chairs well that's a relief

can't get them in me

pocket I wonder if it's hereditary

pardon never mind look Sid um tell me

about your wife Sid what's she like pain

in her

neck but you must have been fond of her

once nah she's always nagging nag nag

nag well perhaps she feels neglected she

deserves to be

neglected our divorce it wasn't the one

thing what's that we're not married

not married no we thought about it but

we never got round to it well that's

terrible well it doesn't worry us yeah

but that means I'm your child is is all

right Lord don't say it

s s you must get married I mean if only

for my for for your child's sake I mean

to give it a name oh it's too late in

the day not but that in any case we

can't afford it I mean she'd want a new

outfit and a proper do no it only be

you're waste of money look said I'll pay

do what that I'll pay for the wedding

why what for well I want to can I have a

new whistle and flute yeah what on a car

and flowers yes and a booze up

afterwards naturally go liy I know it

sounds strange but I have got my reasons

look can you and your wife meet me in

the red line Pub after school tonight

yeah that' be all right right well we'll

see you there then yeah yeah all

right see you later

son

my own father a

thief still I suppose I should be

grateful in a way if he hadn't left me

on those orphanage steps if he brought

me up

himself what would I be like

today oh get out of Daniel nny go Daniel

oh thanks son yeah you better shove that

in your Skyrocket as well oh yeah

watch's this it must be 50 Quid here 53

where'd you get it from oh bump in GE

outside didn't know fell out of his

pocket oh I CH off the old block hey he

we got have a nice drop afterwards no

meeting a few of the lads F might go

bash up a few Spurs supporters you know

I mean a few Belles and go down a disco

pick up some Crumpet

and enjoy yourself hey good help son

right there you go

cheers Mr

Brown Mr Brown yeah darling what you

want Sorry Miss Courtney I was miles

away well did you tell him yeah well I

don't think I really ought to actually

but of course you must tell him Mr Brown

there's no other alternative well there

is what's that well I could shoot

myself hey

Danielle what you do tonight why you ask

well there's a dance at the students

Club you want to come hey I was going to

ask Danielle to come with me ah too bad

I ask her first what you say well I like

very much to dance good I show you how

to do the Italian Shuffle you stand like

this then you put your arms around my

neck I put my arms around your

waist then we put our cheeks

together what do we do next

who

cares I do hope I'm not interrupting

anything I was just showing Danielle out

to dance the Italian Shuffle yeah we

kindly Shuffle back to your

seats right now part of your examination

next week will consist of reading aloud

that is to say all so I thought tonight

we'd have a practice by reading out a

poem ah jelly good I'm hearing a jolly

good poem last night uh there was a

young lady called n who was tattooed all

over in Delhi right down her back was

the Union Jack and God saved the queen

on her

belly thank you s John right now the

poem we're going to read is called the

daffodils by William WS all right I'm

going to ask each of you to read out a

line in turn we'll start with you again

Danielle I wanted lonely as a cloud

cloud sorry Al

uh that floats on high O A valleys and

hilles fails and Hills jelly

good

Julie when all at once I saw a cloud

crowd j a host of golden Daffy

Diles

an besides the lake beneath the trees

the the

the

max flattering and dancing in the breeze

hold on

giovan continuous as the stars that

shine continuous as the stars that shine

continuous as the stars that shine

better

RIT and tinkle on the Milky Way

oh thousand apologies anybody know what

the Milky Way is seor

chocolate no one the Milky Way is a

luminous collection of

stars

sopia go on it's your turn Sor right s

right uh they stretched in never

ending line good

T

arango the margin of the bill hold on

I'm sure Mr Wordsworth would have found

that quite an uplifting experience Mr

Brown I've just had a telephone call

from your from Sydney he asked me to

tell you that when you finished he'll be

waiting for you in the bar of the red

line with your with his

wife

oh hello Sid hello Mr BR where's your

wife oh she's gone to the wats it she

won't be won't be a minute oh see you

got the drinks in then yeah I told maybe

she'd pay for them when you came in

oh here

s where's that teacher then meet the

wife don't

laugh hello please to meet you Mrs um

you might call me m oh m

yeah is it true what Sid says that

you're going to pay for our wedding yes

M oh we're ever so grateful ain't we

said yeah we are but but what I don't

understand yeah well I'll try and

explain you see remember what you told

me about leaving your little baby at

that orphanage in Jeremy Street yeah

yeah well one of the reasons why I want

you to uh to get married is so that your

child will be

legitimate ah what a lovely thought oh

I'm your

kiss yeah well I'm going to tell you

something now it was 30 years ago that

you left that baby at that orphanage in

Jeremy Street yeah it was about that

time yeah on an Easter Monday yeah yeah

well I was left at an orphanage 30 years

ago in Jeremy Street on an Easter Monday

did you hear that s what a

coincidence if I told you I was that

baby would you say that was a

coincidence be a blooming Miracle why

cuz our baby was a

girl

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

p

[Music]

do do

[Music]

do do do

[Music]

[Music]

do oh dear me I'm losing

again good evening all oh hello seed hey

how you doing you are how are you doing

oh than very much I have a point I said

how you doing not what you having do

what never mind come on oh hello curly

what can I get you how about excited

congratulations you are the 500th person

to say that tonight you win our Star

Award a beat oh thanks and a point for

SE F Marita F Marita eh I'm Giovanni

Capello no that's not a name tell me

means a pint of Bitner it's Cockney

rying slain ah sure I remember at 42 and

a packet of assaulted peas nuts

please cheers thanks a

lot hey how's the Las Vegas kid doing

huh

terrible you never win nothing on this

machine I tell you he's fixed oh no lady

behind bar telling me it is nearly time

for somebody to be winning in the Jack

in the

putt I try

again but this time I'm not

looking see I tell you you not win

nothing I yes but I'm getting three bars

look if I'm holding them next time I'll

be

winning you have already spent one pound

yes but if I'm getting another bar I'll

be collecting

5 oh Dare You me I'm not having any more

10 piece could you be changing this

please sorry Ali I spent all my change

Maxi I ain't got any 10 piece I'll be

losing the Jack in the

pot ah Professor good evening good

evening Mr Brown hey you want to tell

me tell me P you've been talking to Sid

the caretaker again good help sure he's

teaching me more of his cockey slanging

rhyme KN ah scoy Max yes Mr BR it's

a point of interest you happen to

remember what a cotney is sure he's

someone who was born near the sound of

B's

Bulls

well okay uh you want a drink no thanks

I just called for some cigarettes

exqueeze me please Mr Brown would you be

having changes for a pound to be putting

in the machine oh you're wasting your

money Ellie oh no I'm sure to be winning

I'm holding three bars oh well it's your

money let's have a look good evening

everybody excuse

me hey what are you doing you dumb fool

I'm having me go on this machine you

[Applause]

pit that is my winning how can they be

your winnings I am putting the money for

10p in there is your 10p

is in hands off my money that is my

money you be advandage a pair of you

look why don't you share the money

that's a good idea there's five of

us that's one each I meant between Ally

and ranet then you've both won you are

as wise as a holy Guru thank you

actually it's time you're all back at

school it's your exams tomorrow you

should take every opportunity to study I

know Okie

cocki we talk I don't come on Alie you

too

got it

all

waiter do tonic on AO please I'm afraid

you're making a mistake ridiculous I

know what I want gen aonic for me and a

logger for my husband he's just parking

the car now look Madam you don't

understand I am a school teacher well

that's nothing to be ashamed

of I think it's quite commendable that

you should supplement your income by

working in a public

house I'm not what you think I am no I'm

not interested in your personal problems

I just want a gin and a tonic and a

logger yes no the gin and tonic and a

log hello Mr Brown hello sh how are you

uh I'll have a gold watch Pon a scotch I

wasn't offering you a drink do what oh

never mind a

scotch 20 cigarettes for me and a Gonic

and AA for that lady over there she

thinks I'm a waiter you're a what she

thinks I'm a waiter

oh how long You' been doing it then

what it's waiting on lck I don't wait

I'm not a waiter do what never mind um

£160 please yeah well actually these two

drinks of that lady and gentleman over

there yeah they've still got to be paid

for haven't they yes but all right well

I'll pay for them and they can pay me

later how much is it just for the Gonic

and the lva uh 72 72 cheers good help ah

good

help

there we are 72 P please didn't I see

you take a drink of my loger yeah but it

was uh was any a SI oh yes I suppose you

were tasting it to make sure it was fit

to drink no that was purely accidental I

have a good mind to report you to the

brewery well frankly I couldn't care

less what you do your attitude is

typical of the workingclass mentality

it's people like you that are ruining

the country you're nothing but a peasant

and you sir are a Bourgeois snob 72 ft

please I refuse toay pay for a drink

that has been contaminated by your lips

I see well all right don't pay you have

it on me here you

go

silence this is disgraceful 10 minutes

past 7 and Mr Brown has not arrived oh

but you're mistaken he's here isn't he

Anna yeah that's right he's always early

yes please tonight he was here so early

that he was here 10 minutes before he

arrived he's just gone out oh and where

has he gone out to uh

toilet I beg your pardon

T would you like to try again what they

mean is first he goes to the t- room Z

the toilet yeah yeah oh miss cotney

sorry I'm late no but you're not really

according to your students who were here

all the time ah yes well well where

exactly were you but we told you I am

asking Mr Brown well ah yes

um and what is going on I don't know but

from their sign language I think they're

trying to say that I was having a cup of

tea in the

toilet actually miss Courtney I'll tell

you the truth I am late and the reason

is is I just popped across to the pub

for some cigarettes was uh mistaken for

a waiter bought two drinks for two

people I'd never even you met before was

called a peasant and finished up by

pouring a glass of logger over a

gentleman's head you're an even bigger

liar than your

students I would have thought that you

would have made an effort to be early

this evening after all it is your last

chance to teach them something before

they take their exams tomorrow yes Miss

Courtney you're quite right as usual not

that I think any of them have the

remotest chance of

passing come on sit in your places

please she SS well stupid I think she's

got a

H just one H what do you think uh about

this exam you think we pass do I think

you're pass one for the past 13 weeks

you've all been coming here to study

right 13 weeks of hard work diligence

and application 13 weeks of blood toil

and sweat slowly little by little you

have improved when you sit down to take

your examination tomorrow I have no

doubts whether you'll pass or not you

haven't a cat and hell's

child blim me you're not giving us any

confidence maybe some of you may manage

to scrape through but I shall be most

surprised if you all pass I shall pass

the BL stupidity of Republic of China

yes well we'll see about that in the

meantime I want tonight to talk about

the exam and afterwards if you have any

questions about any points you're not

sure of then just ask and I'll do my

best to answer them excuse please not

yet Tero I want to talk about the exam

first and then you can ask a question

aome now the first thing is I shall not

be taking you excuse please master

where will you not be taking us to her I

mean that I shall be here tomorrow when

you take your exam oh jelly good we can

be reading all the answers from our

books there will be somebody here oh

dear I am thinking I'm going to be up a

gummy

tree in any case you're not supposed to

cheat it's customary for another teacher

from another school to take an

examination of this

kind excuse me please at later tarot

please okay now

when you take your examination the lower

Cambridge certificate isn't too

difficult uh the exam is divided into

three parts right first there's an oral

examination then a written one and then

comes dictation is that his

name is that who name the man who is

going to be taking us to be doing the

examination

dictation dictation is when a person

reads something out aloud and another

person copies it down ah like the short

finger

typist hand Ty yes please ex CH me

please you can ask your question in a

moment

ter right when you've completed your

examination the papers are taken away to

be marked and you'll be notified of the

results by post so please make sure that

you write your names clearly on your

papers your Christian name and your

surname I cannot do that why not I'm not

a

Christian you want to be pedantic about

it ran write your surname and forame I'm

not having for names

also now the prefix for in this case is

spelled f o r e and means first for

example four

finger four finger one

t no not four fingers see a one a two a

three and four this is my forefinger no

that's only one

wonder if I should cancel

tomorrow never mind all right excuse

please yes you can ask your question now

terara request permission to visit

prate right anybody else got a question

yes after tomorrow will we see you again

well that depends on so many things

whether I'm engaged for another term or

whether any of you decide whatever the

results of your exam to come back for a

further course I will give you my

address and you can come and see me

anytime quiet quiet Mr Brown can you

spare a moment please certainly I

suggest you all study your verbs until I

return as you know another teacher will

be taking the exams tomorrow yes now the

gentleman who used to be the principal

of this college will be supervising your

class he's in the office now and I

thought it might be a good idea if you

met him oh I'd like to do try to make a

good impression it does no harm if he is

favorably disposed towards

you this is our English teacher Mr

Brown small world isn't

[Music]

[Applause]

it

good evening Mr Capello all ready for

your examination sure everything's going

to be Okie

cie want a Sarah

everybody hey has anybody got a pen yeah

but priest remember who it belongs to

sure I

remember hey AR what do you doing I tell

you I've just been studying my verbs so

I'm going to write them down on my hand

so I don't forget typical of Western

dishonesty no I think it's a good idea

hey you want to write verb tenses too no

I'm hocky on verbs but uh no good on

pronouns so write the pronouns no need I

already write them on

handkerchief smart it is wrong to cheat

don't you agree Ali not at all I am also

cheating you also have got something

written on your handkerchief no it is in

my hat

this is terrible if you found out you'll

be disqualified old Japanese philosopher

he say man who deals from bottom usually

end up on

top you as well teror not good on

adverbs so have some written

unchair oh good evening

everyone nice to see you all bright

early I expect you're feeling a bit

nervous yes I am not nervous oh good I

am

putrified

petrified yeah well do your best well

listen I'm not supposed to be here so I

shall be in the pub all

right but if you all call in when you

finish your exam I'll buy you all an end

of term drink

okay well uh good luck

Tero thank you you must be nervous it's

the first time you haven't stood up and

bowed good luck one would

good luck giovan thanks

professori not too nervous to shake

hands are you a see I'm a very nervous

oh nonsense come on there that didn't

hurt did it not a

lot that's funny where did that ink come

from maybe your pen has got a leak let

me see your hand you have on there's

nothing there professori the other one

it's nothing there either but there's

something there though isn't it oh no my

pens got the leak as

well I suppose while it was leaking it

just happened to write a few verbs down

sorry professori my verbs is a bit bad

yeah well I suggest you clean all that

off I don't seem to have a handkerchief

myself Max has got a

handkerchief

I what's that sticking out of your top

pocket oh that that's not a proper H

Chief maybe Al got proper handkerchief

let me see that handkerchief

Max I see pronouns are your weak point

that's right I'll keep this what other

little tricks have you all been up to

Alie you're very quiet you keeping

something under your

head oh blimy how are you guessing

that I didn't and while I think of it

Tero would you like to stand up

please very

ingenious all right one where's

your where's your little crib

hidden never mind po faor I know it's

somewhere it's written all over your

face

no not right in my

face this is no laughing matter come on

one where is it h an the table

Rand thousand

apologies Daniel Anna J Su we not cheap

prefer to pass exam on all melet well

I'm glad to hear glad to

hear some last minute coaching Brown

just came to wish them good luck they're

going to need more than luck Goodbye Mr

Brown listen I'm sorry about yesterday

Goodbye Mr Brown Goodbye good luck thank

you now I want absolute silence during

this examination I'm understand same

again don't you think you've had enough

how could I have had enough I'm still

standing yeah you been the lwi well that

doesn't mean anything oh yes it does

last time you went in the ladies you

might

yeah oh hello s TR again thank

you a minute please maybe some whatever

SS drinking said tells me you're not

married that's right I'm not I'm not

married as well oh

congratulations I haven't even got a

boyfriend

really how about you no I haven't got a

boyfriend

either a regular one anyway look have a

drink with me all right it

quick he i s your pigs here pigs here

yeah you're learning ain't you good help

how's your little she's still

living you don't mean that yeah do you

know when I was courton I used to

worship the ground she walked on now I

worship the ground is coming to

her it's not a very nice thing to say no

it's more sincere you take my tips time

you stay single I got no choice at the

moment I can't afford to get married

still I got Josephine who's Josephine is

that you a bit of clumpy no my siese

cut well my students will be hard at it

by now yeah there is a lot of it

about I was talking about the exam oh

I'm going to miss them next time yeah

wellow cheer up son what you want is

another drink what a good idea yeah and

this time I'll have a

pip

Penny Forum oh I was just wondering how

my students were getting on with their

exam oh I expect they'll be all right I

hope so I wonder what to do with myself

now that term's over in the evenings

yeah it must get a bit lonely for you

living on your own oh I don't live on my

own exactly I've got Josephine oh yeah

she's a marvelous I mean I wonder would

know what to do do without her she's

very affectionate every morning she

wakes me up by nibbling in my ear oh

that must be nice for you I didn't allow

her in the bedroom at first

no she wasn't as clean as she might

be us to sleep in the bathroom well that

sounds a bit uncomfortable oh no she was

quite happy on the floor she must think

a lot of you to put up with that oh she

does every evening when I come home she

runs up to me and rubs her body against

my leg

she's Siamese oh well that explains it

trouble is like most siames she's uh

she's inclined to be a bit over sexed

yeah she sounds I'm thinking of having

adopted I thought you were such a nice

fellow oh never mind where's he it oh

he's gone back to the school that is if

he can find his way

back s uh yes m

chy you weak of drink are you pardon

drink if you

insist I I like J you Sherry you've had

more than enough already oh thank

you oh have you finished yes please how

do you do oh I'm very well how do you

do I mean how did you get on with your

exam oh but we hope we haven't let Mr

Brown

down

I was put would you care for a Sherry

before you go oh I'd be

delighted I do sit

down oh it takes me back you know here

in the old

office I expect you miss the hurly Bly

of school life yes I sleep nights

now there we are thank you you know Mr

courney I didn't know that you indulged

I don't really just the occasional

Sherry oh

ready for a

NAA well have you all got a

drink well I'd just like to say uh I

wish you all every success it's been

great teaching you and well I shall miss

you you have been giving us much

wisdom I am so sad

oh you are a wonderful

teacher we never forget our English

teachers yes

you are nicest impar I've met

yum professori it's been a real

pleasure G it won't be the same next

time yes wa all your big D there well

Cheers Cheers good

health well I really must be going I'm

meeting my wife oh just one moment

before you go Mr short how do you think

the foreign students got got on with

their exams terrible how do you think

you got on with your exam

fantastic the answer to the question

what is a sentence the chappie in a

turban answered a sentence is what you

get when you are sent to

prison the questions are being very easy

to answer to the question what is the

past participle of I write the Spanish

fellow answered I have

rotten I answer everything

okay and the Chinese lady was writing

backwards of course I don't know how

they answered their other questions but

if what I saw is anything to go by then

I should be very surprised if any of

them pass goodbye miss Coury well I'm

very proud of you all I knew you

wouldn't let me

down right uh should we have another

drink whose round is

it

wait

oh what are you doing with my wife

nothing I

just you stupid fool I'm very sorry let

me buy you both a drink no no no no

please please please have this one on

[Applause]

[Music]

me

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

you

[Applause]

[Music]

do do do

[Music]

evening Sydney good evening Miss

Courtney just giving your daughter a bit

of a touchup did you have a nice H I had

Seven Days In Sunny Spain pardon Sunny

Spain oh that's nice it rained oh I

still I suppose you enjoy those exotic

Spanish dishes I got food poisoning I'm

sorry did it rain every day oh no when I

got food poisoning the sun came

out when I got better it went back

in apart from the day before we left

that was absolutely glorious well at

least you had one good day I got

sunburnt oh what a

pitchy

oh hello ah Mr Brown welcome back oh T

is she in oh yes I've cleaned out you

B no no no is she in oh oh yeah she's in

a shocking temper oh well I'll see you

later then are you glad to be back oh

yes I shall miss my old class but I'm

looking forward to the challenge of

starting again with fresh Minds wonder

how many different nationalities I'll

have to deal with this

term ah

good

evening pleased to meet you ah well

thank you do you speak any English

hungry hungry again you want something

to

eat hungry oh

Hungarian Budapest right I'll put you in

my

register what is your name banut your

name

what is what is

your suan again yes

but this is yes and this is no ah yes no

great right I am Mr Brown your

teacher

hope that was

complimentary never mind look do you

know any

English ah

[Music]

good shave the queue

in shave the que God Save the Queen is

more more some more English please thank

you good Stones Stones I can't get no

safac rolling ston Jes

good good

Brown I'm most happy to be seeing you

again an ranie what are you doing here

we failed our exam but we're coming back

for more lessons that is correct like

Robert Bru say if at first you're not

succeeding try

try again

if never mind are you not expecting us

no the authorities don't notify the

individual teachers of the results and

as usual Miss Courtney has kept me in

the dark she switched the lights out

yeah no she never told me this is zultan

rangit delighted to be making your

acquaintance ah what a nice man he's

giving me a present no he wants you to

read out something from his phrase book

thousand

apologies waiter my soup is cold

on this page renit ah please to meet you

thank you good and this is Anna how do

you do yes thank

you well would you both like to sit down

yeah this time I sit at the front then I

shall be learning kka good I will be

sitting in my accustomed Place good yes

well I was hoping for a 100% pass record

but still two failures out of 10 is not

bad

four failures out of 10 Jamila you

failed sorry Master G but maybe next

time I am whining huh I'm sure you mean

winning H H and you ter asso L of

face not good for Japanese first of

considered har carrier then decide come

back for more lessons

if not pass next time

[Music]

I just make sure you don't do it on the

classroom

floor well as you can see you are not

alone this is zultan Jamila and Taro

pleas to meet you good

happening Jamila you want your place

back here nana I sit at backside with

Taro no Jam you will sit at the back

back side is uh what you sit on

no master G what I sit on is

chair see why you

failed when

not F don't tell me you failed so I

don't tell you don't need to tell me I

know ah you plenty smart it's more than

I can say for you for never mind oh uh

this is turn now this is Juan how you do

for me yeah he's just trying to say that

he's pleased to meet you he doesn't

speak any English ah s right I T

it that would be like the blind leading

the blind blind you know

see hey you f you f

no he's not blind I was just using a oh

never mind sit down okay I sit here

oh good afteron good evening I here come

to English learn I come here to learn

English we together

S no we can't do that I that it's matter

there's wrong something with me oh no

there's wrong nothing with

you I'm very much like you yeah well I

am your teacher teacher you're too young

to be teacher oh thank you is that your

name yeah ing s

supension I take it you're a swed

Swedish

yeah where from St Stockholm and what is

your job a pair which pair oh

no well uh where should we sit here just

sit here with me there is also a place

here beside me here please here yeah

well well I think we'll sit you at the

front for the time

being very

nice yeah well well you're sitting next

to Juan and uh behind you is ranit at

the back cararo and Jamila she is Anna

and he is Zan and I am

Ali Ali not you as well as well as what

please you failed oh yes but I'm getting

20 out of 100 well there's nothing to be

proud you should get at least 50 marks

to pass 20 is disgraceful oh no last

year I'm not getting anything at

all getting more and more better I it

yeah squeeze

please please to get up what for that is

my seat I not see name in seat get your

big Spanish bottom out of my chair hey

you talk to me like that I punch no well

that's enough seats are not reservable

sit somewhere else s okay I sit at the

back you big a Spanish bull come on

we'll just wait a few more moments in

case there are any more new

students

[Applause]

for hey it's just like whole times it's

it's a big surprise a professor well

let's say it's more of a disappointment

oh but I'm not disappointed to be

back who's that this is ingred she is

Swedish she's also sitting in my seat

you will move yes have we move no you

can come and sit next to me no you

sitting next to me that's right you sit

next to Joan and Max because I want to

sit here I'm sorry Danielle but I think

it's important that new students should

sit at the

front I don't like you I'm

very you can come and sit next to me hey

sit a between us

okay well I must say that I am extremely

disappointed in you all it's not your

fault professori we not pass because

we're stupid

and what does that make me I'm more

stupid exactly out of 10 students I have

nine failures very sorry I'm R

congratulations you're getting 10 out of

[Applause]

10

well I really don't know what to say oh

blame me you

feel if you're not knowing what to say

how are you going to be teaching

us I'll ignore that stupid remark jelly

good because you have all failed I have

failed no true it's perfectly true now

this term I want much more effort from

all of you you must all pull your socks

up s

right oh God I was speaking

figuratively never mind we must all

concentrate much harder this term now we

shall start at the beginning again only

this term I shall be giving you twice as

much homework has

last and I want 100% effort from all of

you right now tonight I thought we start

by you each telling me what you've been

doing during the holidays please yes

I'll tell

I do not understand what you are

saying yeah well never mind just uh keep

quiet and listen but never

mind I

speak not

speak thank you

sry right now what have you been doing

with yourself

Jamila Master G I am went on holy

days to visit all my family H you went

to bombai BM no

Birmingham Birmingham the meca of the

Midlands and you Tero

a

but what did you get up to I went on a

fishing holiday oh good did you catch

anything catch heavy

Cal did you enjoy your break

Ali I'm not breaking

anything a holiday oh jly good I'm

learning how to be driving a motor car

good that's very useful when do you take

your test oh blimy I'm already feeling

my test the examiner man was jumping out

of the car and I was going down a

Hil I expect you were going too fast oh

no I was going

backwards right what did you do

suie spent time lighting lighting what

lighting book oh

book what sort of book are you li

writing it's called the Democratic way

of life all about groia Freedom loving

Chinese

I see a work of

fiction tell us what you did with

yourself Andre I have been looking after

my cousin while our husband has been

away oh it's very commendable he is

being discharged this week discharged

has he been in hospital no

prison and he's been sent to prison for

something he didn't do really what

didn't he do he didn't run fast

enough tell us what you did

Javan I went to

marsgate Margate excy I met this

fantastic girl she had the

biggest so we all get your meaning every

day we used to go on the sands for a

bit for a while scy to go on the sands

for a while to say that you went on the

stands for a bit could imply that you

were doing um well something naughty

that's right we were very naughty on the

subject I Lear Mr

Brown Miss Courtney wants you straight

away oh thank you Sid well I suggest you

all take an early tea break and we

continue with this

later please yes suan look know you

really must stop to speak

speak

you

girl yes please yeah no you're not a

girl

youy ah you have a girlfriend girl I

understand what an English girlfriend

you

me right oh you want me to write a

letter to your girlfriend please ah what

do you want me to

write

yes

what I

[Music]

write

I think I get the general

idea

Sydney yes Miss Cy did you tell Mr Brown

that I wish to see him oh yes

definitely I think this should be all

right dear Miss I'm writing to tell you

of my feelings for you I think you are

beautiful I want to hold you in my arms

and kiss

you please say you feel the same about

me all my love yeah thank

you what is going on in here uh nothing

Well it certainly doesn't look like

nothing ah well I was just writing a

letter for Zan to his girlfriend and he

was showing me his appreciation in

Hungarian

kindly leave us but not

go I said go

go now Mr Brown I understand that none

of your previous students passed their

lower Cambridge certificate oh well I

think there were a few near misses that

is not good enough obviously Mr Brown

you are sadly lacking in the necessary

qualities required to teach English just

a don't interrupt I should be keeping a

very close eye on you this ter Mr Brown

and unless I see a marked improvement

out you go it's not necessary I have no

wish to listen to your feeble

excuses pus old

cow what was that oh I said I'm just

going

now hey you not speak

nothing he is not knowing the English as

well as what we are knowing I speak with

him oh blim me he speak hungri

Arian sure I speak

aarian football football pkas

pz be Bobby Shon Bobby

Mo you see I told you I speak the

language hey you like England no yeah I

also very much like teach you not Mak

the eyes at Mr Brown if I want I will Mr

Brown does not like the blonde ladies

Swedish girl are the

beautiful trouble with sish girl they H

too big in the bosom friendch too big in

the

mouth in China rules are not important

it is blames and Inter that matter Absol

yeah Su is Right V are not symbols for

sex you agree Jamila I know

understanding the women are not here to

give gives the men the

pleasure I like give men

pleasure trying to find a few winners h

no Mr Brown just trying to find out if I

can afford to leave the wife premium

bonds £100,000 I could be lucky

somebody's got to win it how many bonds

have you got

one you're as bad as me I've only got

one onef 23 232 you got a good memory

ain't you oh it's not a difficult one

onef

23232 that's right

hey that's it that's what onef

23232 I don't believe it here you sure

you got the right cucumber cucumber the

number yes I got my bond here positive

look 1f 23232 that's right £1,000 what

are you going to do with it what am I

going to do celebrate of course Gladis

yes Mr Man coffe is all

around right sh Qui everybody listen I

want to read you all my letter of

resignation you not res no no I am

definitely resigning with £100,000 I no

longer need to teach English that's

true right Dear

Dracula this is to inform you that I

think you are a rude obnoxious and

self-opinionated old

dragon and If Ever I See You Again it'll

be too

soon yours disrespectfully Jeremy

Brown right Al yes please do me a favor

and see that Miss Courtney gets this

straight away jelly

good thank

you please oh yes Zan your

letter wa glis where's s paper oh he

went with it took it with him took it

with him I got a paper Mr Brown oh great

Max thank you there we are Ernie's lucky

winner

100,000 and today's number is 1 EF

2323 wait a minute that's not right one

if it was one double if and the other

one we apologize for the misprinted our

earlier

Edition I haven't won

anything so you will not be resonating

after all resigning

oh hello please Abby the letter to miss

Courtney she's not in the office oh

thank God oh Mr BR Mr Nadine did you

wish to see me no oh yes please this is

for you thank you very I want another

word with you Mr Brown come into the

office close the

door I'll just see what this letter is

first oh I shouldn't bother if I were

you you never know where it's been it

could be full of JS oh okay be so

ridiculous you know I seem to recognize

this writing it looks remarkably like

yours Mr Brown oh it's nothing like mine

it just looks like mine oh well I better

ad it uh I think I'll go I haven't

finished with you yet you will have when

you read that

letter

nothing

good Miss Courtney I have never read

anything like this in my life I can

explain just listen to this I'd rather

not Dear Miss I am writing to tell you

of my feelings for you you see I thought

I'd want

to I got to hold you in my arms and kiss

you you did write this letter Mr br oh

yeah well not to you it's the letter you

were writing for that Hungarian student

yes you see what must have happened you

don't need to go on I mean it's obvious

he's been spitten by my charm

and I have told you before Mr Brown that

I do have this strange Fascination for

the opposite six oh yeah very

strange you may not believe this Mr

Brown but when I was a young girl I was

very

plain cup of tea please par everything

hockey Mr Brown yes I must have put

zon's letter to his girlfriend in my

envelope to miss Courtney hey he not

going to be very happy why not he's just

gone to give the letter you write to

miss Courtney to his

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

girlfriend

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

w

[Music]

do do

do do do do do do do do

[Music]

oh good

evening I see that the meaning of the

word punctuality hasn't yet sunk in with

certain members of our

class

you see Max I told you we be here before

Prof Sor I better sit down before he

comes okay

go good

evening how did you get in through the

window you're late too busy drinking in

the pub to notice the time well we not

been in a pub have we Max sure we

haven't look we were coming to the

school and we see this old lady trying

to cross the road that's right she was

very old I hand very blind yeah pushing

a

pram an old Blind Lady pushing a

pram well maybe she wasn't exactly blind

maybe she wasn't exactly there either

sure it's

true on Max's life we have not in that P

honest all

right hey you left your books in the

pob what's the

matter look behind you

not being in the pub

eh now I remember we were there just for

a minute come on sit down all of you hey

why you not tell me the teacher is

behind me you Italian macaroni why

you you lump of Spanish omelet all right

come on sit down and be quiet hey

teacher is right you sit down sit down

be quiet go sit down go sit down sit

down when that includes you for you

heard sit down I'm getting rather tired

of this continual habit of certain

people being late now 7:30 is the time

class commences and you should all be

sitting at your desks ready to begin

work now I shall tell you again in

future anybody who comes late will go

straight home good evening

everybody's you're late hey oh no look

please I'm being early it is only 20

minutes past the 7:00 correction it is

25 minutes to the 8

that clock is not being right at all oh

I suppose my watch is not being right

also yes

please has it occurred to you that it

might be your watch that is wrong oh

blim me this watch is guaranteed never

to be wrong it is 21

Julies jeels yes please I'm buying it

today from the marketplace you bought

that watch from a stall on the market

most definitely the man is telling me it

is jolly good bargain 20 21 Julies and

real gold case 18

turnips 18 carrots

SES well how much did you pay for this

21 jeweled 18 karat gold time piece a

2250 I think he saw you coming Ellie ah

most definitely he was seeing me coming

before I was seeing him what I mean is

you were swindled oh no you come buy

watch for £250 ah but the man is telling

me it is being so cheap because it is

bankrupted stock

rupted it's not going early uh perhaps

it needs a wind up there's nothing too

wind look it's empty oh blame me I am

being cheated excuse me please I go to

find the Crooked Man you won't be there

now and what about my money well you

just have to put it down to experience

now sit down we got a lot of work to do

how are you coming along B have you

learned any more English

banut more

English

yes bloody

forigners well let to start you'll just

have to follow the lesson as best you

can yeah and I'll explain later do you

understand

well never mind sit down and do your

best right now tonight we're going to

look at sentence construction now can

anybody Give me a definition of a

sentence please me please yes Su a

sentence is a group of word that makes

complete sense very good for example

communism is only true way of life or

capitalist are enemies of Peace roving

people or

China right now a sentence contains

eight parts of speech can anybody tell

me what they are come along noun good

excellent pronoun very good hey why am I

very good and she is excellent all right

you're both excellent right anybody else

a thir good adverb well done adjective

yes pational good uh good yeah

conjunction well done one more come on

doesn't anybody want to know what the

other one is an interjection right can

anybody tell me what an interjection is

yes one need

see like a

doctor

interjection no um that's an injection

ah s right an interjection is a word put

into a sentence to express some emotion

such as o r or H right we will now

construct a sentence starting with a

noun ranit can you give us a noun please

idiot idiot surely you could have

thought of something else I could have

said

muslim don't you be insulting me you

right that'll do R you're here to learn

English now kindly keep your personal

prejudices to yourself a thousand

apologies Now give me a noun please a

waiter a waiter good now Max an

adjective come

along ranit gave us a noun waiter you

describe him is he old tall short thin

how do I know I never met

him we not talking about an actual

waiter Max ah he's a part-time

waiter we are trying to construct a

sentence ranit has given us a noun

waiter I want you to give me an

adjective that describes him h a hold

waiter an old

waiter with a mustach yeah just old will

do

okay right we'll put a definite article

in the old waiter now we need a verb

something he was doing Danielle oo

making

love can't you think think of something

better that he could have been doing but

I can't see nothing than better than

making love Yeah but something more

appropriate to a waiter in a

restaurant he served served good the old

waiter

served now we need an adverb t

pass

up yeah an adverb please modifying the

verb serve carefully carefully

carefully

served

carefully right now can anybody add

anything to

that the old waiter carefully served

fish and

chips two more nouns and a

conjunction OK

cockie the old waiter carefully served

two more nouns and

a all right first time Giovani Mr Brown

yes s there's a GE out he wants to see

Miss Courtney what's that got to do with

me well I can't find her anywhere will

you come out and have a word with him oh

yes all right now I want you to complete

the sentence using an interjection a

preposition and a pronoun and I shall be

back in a minute all

right

this is

him are you Miss

Courtney do I look like Miss Courtney

well I asked to see Miss Courtney ah

well who are you my name's Forbes for

scope Forbes for

scope oh Jeremy

Brown I'm an ATC I'm a ba ox

my car H oh you're an ATC an assistant

Town clar quite so ah I see ah Miss

Courtney Mr Brown is this another of

your foreign students no he's an ATC I

don't care what nationality he is it's

time you were in the classroom Madam my

name is

Forbes he's hyphenated how

unfortunate I'm here from the town hall

we have some news from the palace

Victoria or

Crystal Buckingham I'm here in

connection with the uh royal visit to

the B next week and as the Duke himself

laid the foundation stone of this

building it has been suggested that her

majesty and his Royal Highness pay a

brief informal visit to the school the

queen and Prince philli coming here next

to did you hear that Mr Brown they're

coming here the two of them together in

person him and her together in calm down

Miss Courtney don't overe excite getting

over excited I have you perfectly calm

about the

[Applause]

herin

I've seen some strange things on toilet

doors bucks and do um Lads and lasses

Setters and pointers but I have never

seen dukes and queens oh it's not for

them to use what's it for well it's Miss

Courtney's idea you see she didn't want

to offend the royal family by letting

them see toilet doors so I've done the

best thing I've disguised them oh very

diplomatic my you what a waste of time

it is though Mr Brown they must have

losing Bish well absolutely the old

battlax in yet the old batlax is

here I wasn't meaning you miss courney

well I trust you are not referring to

her majesty oh no no no no no I was

referring to Gladis the tea lady H here

what's this for well it is not for

sticking in your button hole it is to

wave at the Royal

personages you going to turn into what

well you surely don't intend to greet

our distinguished guests in that jacket

haven't you anything a little more

formal I've got a black tie I wear for

funerals

here better it as if I'm going to a cup

final Sydney go and sweep the schoolyard

I swept it up once well sweep it again

you wouldn't like me to go down on me

Edge and knees and scrub it would you

don't be ridiculous it wouldn't dry

before they

arrived

I think I'll go and polish the silver

what silver well I brought my silver tea

set in case they wanted a drink oh

perhaps the Duke would prefer a tot of

rum being an ex noal man dear I hadn't

thought that well he'll just have to

make do with Sherry shall I ask glce to

make up a couple of ham rolls in case

they feel a bit peckish ham

rolls you can't give royalty ham

RS this is a very special occasion tell

her to open a tin of

hon they won't want anything to eat it

is better to be

prepared I wonder if we should have got

a red carpet look why don't you go the

whole hog and ask the music class to

play the national anthem as they enter

this is supposed to be an informal visit

I don't think you're approaching this

special occasion in the right attitude I

think you're being carried away

nonsense this is an opportunity for all

the staff and students to show their

loyalty and Devotion to our Sovereign

it's up to the entire school to make a

good impression why never knows where it

may lead the New Year's honors list

isn't far away honors list yes a

Knighthood could be within your grass a

[Music]

Knighthood Mr Jeremy

br

arise sir

Jeremy Mr Brown yes your majesty I I

thought you with the queen have you been

drinking no just stay dreaming well you

had better wake up they are due to

arrive in half an hour now where are

your students uh they're in the cloak

room changing changing yes I insisted on

wearing their National

costumes ready

granish are you there

[Applause]

what liy

R well don't you like it do what don't

you like it very patriotic I don't know

whether to salute you or run you up the

flag

po I've got a surprise for you yeah look

oh that'll surprise the Duke surprise

him he paralyze him you're supposed to

curse you up flashing your

underwear any of my St good Heavens hey

don't speak to us you flat you our

yeah they will come up here won't

they oh yes I expect so Glades oh I do

hope so I think Prince Phillip's lovely

and I've always been fond of sailors hey

don't forget he belongs to the queen

yeah have you seen any in my students

they're still changing ah well go and

tell them to hurry up Sid all right yeah

I'll get yeah I better get tided up too

the Duke might want to inspect me

utensils I think this looks better on

you all ready for your inspection sir

carry on S this

China is that your national costume this

is uniform of people's Army of

rehabilation as prescribed by chairman

ma you're not like it well I think it

lacks a certain finish a belt of

ammunition a couple of hang

grenades Miss

India oh very nice Jamilla it is Jamilla

isn't

it this

Germany what you think very toomic thank

you Miss

Sweden beautiful yes beautiful very

and the close too well I was

refering Miss

TR what do you

think B

mer Miss

[Applause]

Greece

don't take a make oh I'm sorry Mr

GRE are you comfortable in that Max a

bit cold

boss Mr pkistan

God bless Queen Elizabeth and not

forgetting the Duke of edin

bug Duke of edin BR him also oh

Italy are you representing Italy or the

[Applause]

mafia I represent

sisily Mr

un oh most endearing Rie thank you very

much Mr

[Applause]

hry very pretty Zan thank you Mr

Japan n po I

presume and last but not least Mr Spain

all right

[Applause]

professori there's still nobody coming

well any minute now come on in your

places everyone heent ban um where's

sutan he's going to try and find the

toilet ah well that may take him a

while I'd like to stress that this visit

is informal so that her majesty may not

necessarily come into this

classroom yeah well you mustn't be too

disappointed if she doesn't but if she

does I want you all to behave just as if

she weren't here

understand in view of the occasion it

would seem appropriate to tell you a

little of the history of our British

kings and queens now it all started with

the Norman conquests I have seen that on

the television very funny English

play I'm referring to the actual

invasion of England by William of

Normandy it was 1066 wrong I beg your

pardon

1066 maybe

uh

1056 it was

1066 no cannot be

1066 6 Minute 1

hour

1066 6 Minute plus

11 1066 was the year s right

right now William of Normandy by the way

does anybody know what other name he was

known by William the

concur

conquerer

H now he was succeeded by his third son

William Rufus the Red King hope blam me

you are having a communist

King no no he was called the Red King

because of his red hair jelly

good now William Rufus died in 1100

after being struck by an arrow in the

woods hey maybe it was Robin the

hood the robin the hood

wasn't Robin Hood wasn't born then he

was in the Middle Ages how can he being

middle-aged if he's not yet being

born don't never mind about Robin Hood

all right oh yes very capable sorry to

interrupt Mr Brown but they will be here

at any moment now and I thought it would

be rather nice if one of your students

were to present this to her

majesty I'll do that it is usual for a

bouquet to be presented by a lady with

that skirt who's going to know the

difference come outside and I'll show

you all right sit down who do you

suggest

Miss well how about Jamina yes Jamina D

will you come here

and for goodness sake girl get rid of

that

knitting now then Jam I want you to wait

with me in the hall until their

majesties arrive and then you can

present this to the queen you curtsy

first and then you give it to her now

let's try

that I am the

queen me no no no Jamila come on she's

just pretending oh huh I am

understand

you ask

Queenie you do not speak until you are

spoken to and then you address her as

Mom now let's try

again oh there you are superintendent

how soon we Royal CP will be here

they're not coming what we've had to

rearrange the schedule oh they're going

straight from the hospital to the town

hall we're cutting out the visit to the

school well I bet going tell him Miss

Court there isn't time you must come

with me now you men follow

me excuse me

please my name is Mrs Baxter but my name

is Mrs Baer and my husband has just

joined your woodwork class do you think

I could have a word with him

uh Hey sit no you can't no go BL

me hang on hang on hang on don't go

away try it again call Mr Brown she's

here she's arrived she's outside she

can't be she must to come in by the back

entrance but don't leave her standing

outside Sydney show her

in

so pleased to meet you mom um where is

your husband he's in the Woodwork

Club I do hope we should have the

pleasure of meeting him later on this is

Mr Brown our English

teacher how do you do

Mom

J

oh how

kind and in this class we are in

endeavoring to teach English to foreign

students Excuse Me Miss courney don't

interrupt Mr I think you should Mr Brown

all right please yourself I would you

care for it it's not too much trouble no

trouble at all you must come around and

have a cup of tea with my husband and I

[Music]

sometime

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

w

[Applause]

[Music]

do

do do do do do

[Music]

[Music]

oh hello is that Parkers look I'm going

fishing this weekend and I shall need

some more bait no only on the TS the

maggots will do I'll send something

around to collect them oh by the way

those trout flies I bought from you have

been very successful especially the coib

bondu seems to attract the trout like a

magnet yes well thank you again

bye excuse

me you startled me do you mind knocking

before you barge in I'm

sorry is that better I've lost it

you lost what I have lost my favorite

fly I had it in my hand a moment ago I

must have dropped it can you see it

anywhere what does it look like well

it's about 2 in long red and black and

it's got a curly

tail per he's flown out the

window it is a fishing fly a cocky Bondo

a cocky what

Bondo oh it must be here somewhere oh

will it B Che we'll find it oh well

perhaps I should come back later oh Mr

Brown you can join in well I'm not

really that religious

actually we are looking for a fly a fly

oh yes it's a 2 in long BR red and black

and a got a curly towel sounds quite

lethal would you mind helping us look

for it no not at all oh I found it where

it's here just under the desk oh I'll

get it no stand back Sid you leave this

to

me what are you doing Mr okay where you

are Miss Coury this could be dangerous

yeah that's right not moving Mr Brown

just a minute better to be safe than

sorry

oh I just remembered I I haven't

inspected the

boilers have you quite finished Mr Brown

or would you like to ble a hammer you

can't be too careful where strange

insects are concerned if you any idea

where it came from Yes W Parker and Son

uh PD fishing tackle suppliers oh

fish it wasn't it was oh got any glue I

don't think child have any fond with

glue no I supp I'll buy you another I

see that you do excuse

me hello

speaking

pardon is it you is it really

you it is you it's

him what coming here you're not coming

here you are coming here he's coming

here half an hour you'll be here in half

an hour you'll be here in half an

hour you felt very until

then you feeling all right that was him

L he's coming here in half an hour but

who is him I mean who is he well it's it

a man I never thought I'd see again my

ex FY you mean you were actually engaged

at one time well there's no need to

sound so

surprised he was over 25 years ago I

mean I mean I was just well I was very

young I met him at Oxford in the high it

was raining he offered me shelter under

his umbrella and he insisted on buying

me a cup of tea and a sticky bun how

romantic yes it well that was how it all

started why didn't you get married oh it

was awful he left me at the church in a

Lurch oh Mr Brown I have never told

anyone this before oh well if you'd

rather not no sit down well for years I

have kept this terrible secret to myself

now he is coming back into my life again

and I feel I must tell someone and I

think I can trust you Mr Brown well I'd

rather not if it's going to cause any

embarrassment oh it won't embarrass me

yeah but it might embarrass me no I'm

sure it won't well anyway he um asked me

to go down to Brighton with him for one

of those you know weekends oh double

room Mr and Mrs Smith exactly and you

refused oh no I

went I even remember the hotel the bell

of Vista opposite the abattoir very well

a

Vista well we we booked in and Albert

being the thoughtful man he was he let

me go upstairs first to prepare myself

as it were whilst he had a drink in the

bar getting up a bit of Dutch courage eh

I bet your

par such a lovely person waiting to be

um what happened then he didn't turn

up he got drunk passed out and spent the

night on a sa in the resident's Lounge

how Despicable well I went home and I

refused ever to see him again I heard

later that he was working in the Far

East but I must admit I have always

cherished a secret hope that he might

one day come

back excuse me please yes har what is it

please come quickly we are having plenty

trouble in the classroom what do you

mean trouble Maxi and juvan they are

murdering each other I'm ready when you

are and I'm ready when you

are well you come on D

okay sure you're going to be sorry we

serious are going to be sorry okay come

on man I waiting for you to come on and

I'm waiting for you to come on come on

stop this brawling so lucky for you

Prophet s sto me from giving your black

eye make your nose I will not have

fighting in the class fighting it was

more like

dancing I was just warming up yeah me

too what was all this about I tell you

Professor Isa called me a and he's

calling me a GRE

ball on everybody sh up I wish you could

pick up proper English as quickly as you

pick up slang I have enough trouble with

Ellie and ranet now don't you two start

falling out now shake hands come

on right now tonight I want to

concentrate on English conversation the

sort of things that you have to say

during the course of every day all right

for example ranit where would you take a

check you check of

Slovakia

not that sort of

check check for a certain amount of

money where would you take it to a bank

thank you

right if you felt ill what would you do

go to

bed but before that H take the clothes

off you would go to the doctors no not

doctor doctor kill my uncle in

Madrid my uncle he has Spain in the

chest he go see doctor doctor he listen

and say so right 10 minutes later in the

street my uncle fin a heart attack

M well you can hardly blame the doctor

for

that the doctor he was driving them

all ter

ass although weights are Now metric in

this country we still use an old system

which is known as what Sor not Noah does

anybody Noah the

no a excellent mer does a ring a bell

now ter yes a is French for have feel

some

p on Tero I don't believe you're that

stupid sorry just a

juker on future kindly leave your jokes

at home

right Zan I'm going to ask you a

question yes please which shop yes shop

shop which shop would you go to to buy a

packet of cigarett cigarettes uh no shop

come on Zan you must go to some sort of

shop Zan no

smoke Zan there you go for chewing

G

ah Sweet

Shop Anna tells me sweet

yeah no sweet sweet sweet or sweet

what's the difference well the

difference is Anna that you must learn

to say were and not

v

v try again V try saying V without the v

o almost try again but this time don't

say o just w w w wonderful wonderful uh

Wednesday Wednesday a wet weekend in

winter wet weekend in Winter very good

very

good yes please you have a headache oh

no

sir assume you have a headache where

would you go to get some aspirin ah

tanduri take

away no yes please my jellly good friend

who is working there always had plenty

aspring I meant to buy some aspin why

should I be buying them when I can be

getting them from my friend

nothing at all all right where do you go

for Aspen when the tendor takeaway is

closed oh blimy Taj Mahal cry

house would you please tell Ally where

you go to get

aspirin thank you where are you going

now to buy some aspirin for headache

thought you said you haven't got a

headache oh blind me I got one

now excuse me Mr Brown the old Dragon

want you s do be a bit more respectful

especially in front of the students it's

up to us to set a good example I'm sorry

no what do the Old Miss Courtney I have

no idea but I don't think she's very

well she actually smiled at

me my Prince Will

[Music]

Come enter you feeling all right yes why

it sounds as if you were in pain I was

singing I am sorry to bring you away

from your class Mr Brown but before you

leave this evening would you mind

checking that SIDS locked up properly

absolutely so he should

be I was referring to the

building you see it is quite likely that

I may be leaving

early oh to think he's come back in my

life after 25 years I think I need

another Sherry to uh settle my

stomach what's the matter he's here

look where down there oh

oh you stupid fool you have crowned my

[Applause]

[Music]

Albert well I feel terrible i've got a

splitting headache look I am sorry it

was an accident look this is Miss

Courtney's office oh uh wait a minute

look have you got some where I could

comb my hair and brush myself down I

must look presentable for our first

meeting after 25 years yes of course

straight down there on the right thank

you

enter Hello

darling it's you oh where's Albert you

haven't pushed him down the stairs have

you no no no he's just gone to comb his

hair well is he all right there's no

damage I hope I'm afraid there is

actually oh dear is he bad well the

plant pot's

broken I was referring to Albert oh

Albert no no no he's he's fine I'll get

it Dary oh it's

you this is Darling don't missau this

Albert Dolores

Dolores haven't you a class to attend to

of course darling Dolores

excuse

me just Dr to 2p must have rolled away

[Music]

somewhere I'm glad to see you're all

working hard what are you studying

ingred how to improve your bus line very

educational you can B it if you wish to

and no thank you what's keeping you

occupied ju girls galore well I'm sure

there's not much English in that no but

I'm pretty picture yes

Salan gorgeous chicks well I'm sure

that's not about ptry farming but never

mind Hannah true

romances Max football review Danielle

toour lore don't the French ever think

about anything else other than love to

the French there is no nothing

else Giovani LaMore in Italy we're just

like the

French and G cartoon Capers I am reading

all about bugs the bunny and boy the

pecker Al the world's most exotic dishes

I didn't know you were interested in

cookery oh blim me when I buying it I

did not know it was about

cooker Jamila knitting made e

easy tarot the Confessions of a gisha

girl yes well you might all learn

English much more quickly if you began

by reading a better class of literature

and as you're all obviously so Keen to

learn English I'll give you some extra

homework tonight why look it's time you

took these lessons seriously so before

we break for tea I'm going to ask you

each a question and anyone who gives an

incorrect answer will be fined 10

P the money will go to charity hey who

this bird charity you give our

money oh de charity is not a bird it

means uh uh it means an organization a

deserving cause right one spell

quiet

quiet

quiet no spell quiet ah how much we pay

weo 10

P right INRI give me an example of a

preposition um will you to dinner take

me I said a preposition not a

proposition preposition shows the

relation between a noun or pronoun and

some other word a gift from Mary a house

for

sale a DAT with teacher yes all right

I'll accept oh good tonight for go no I

mean that I will accept your

answer ranit how do you pronounce the

following b o u g c u g and t u g you

are trying to be catching out b o u g h

uh

buff t o u g h t c o u GH

Co three out of three wrong thousand

apologies right Giovani what is meant by

vice versa on second thoughts I won't

ask you

that what is a dip thong is it like a

dip

stick what do you think I think I owe

you you 10

P Ali what does the term kudagra mean

and don't you dare say cutting the

lawn I'm never hearing of it it's uh

means the final stroke it's French oh

blimy I'm having enough worries learning

the

[Music]

English it's in Fairly common usage 10 P

please thank you tarot

I decline the verb to

jump I jle

you

jump he jumps she jumps we jump they

jump very good terara but you must try

not to end every word in O okay

oh J as oil is to water so chalk is to

Blacky

board cheese 10 P please I am not

understand well it's a phrase it's in

common usage they are as alike as chalk

and cheese but my Master G chalk and

cheese are not be alike exactly so it

means they're not alike hi gra I am

think it is easier to say they are not

be alike than to be talking about

chalkis and cheeses yes well I admit we

do tend to complicate our language Max

uh give me an example of a principal

Clause Santa

Claus uh just for that Max you can write

out 20 times a clause is a sentence

which is part of a longer sentence h

yeah but not now in your own time and

you can give me

10p thank you tel as handsome as a

prince as ugly

as a

sweet as ugly as Sin 10 P it was worse

it and can you give me two different

meanings of the word blow yeah you can

blow like so

or you can give somebody a

blow thank you

Anna right Zan yes please can you give

me the past tense of the verb to

see

but see so see

so today I see yesterday I

saw yeah well it's not really fair to

take one from you bana oh I don't know

though quite 0p in 3 minutes at this

rate we'll soon have a small fortune

another cup of tea Albert no thank you

Dolores a glass of cherry perhaps no I

don't drink now I've given it up it's a

it's a very bad habit oh you're so right

I only keep it for

visitors oh dear come on Delores think

of something a little more

sparkling I wonder will you oh I will

pour me another cup of

tea tea yes please but you said you

didn't want anymore I've changed my mind

oh as a matter of fact there is

something else I want to ask yes I know

it may sound silly after all this time

and not writing and everything but I

never forgot you lores yes and I

couldn't believe my good fortune when I

discovered that you haven't married I

never married either didn't you no would

it be too much to expect oh no I mean

would you consider I mean will you marry

me oh this is so

s oh my C is

overflowing so is

mine no no it doesn't matter um what do

you say will you marry me oh yes please

I get a special license and we could be

married next week so soon well we've

already wasted 25 years we don't want to

waste any more

time oh wait what's the matter we can't

we'll have to wait you see uh my money

is tied up abroad and it'll take several

weeks to transfer it over here oh that's

all right I have enough money oh no de

Loris I couldn't have you pay him for

the wedding the reception and the

honeymoon but what is mine is yours no

no it wouldn't be right nonsense don't

be so proud well I'll tell you what I do

I will use your money on the

understanding that I pay you back when

mine comes through I'm very ready if you

in I most definitely do oh gosh Al butt

I'm so

excited

[Applause]

so just a

moment I have a little engagement I got

to meet a fellow down the road on some

business it'll only take a few minutes

and then I I shall come back and take

you to dinner somewhere just the two of

us that would be lovely don't go

away why where you

going Albert everything all right sh hey

everything all right I've just seen a

fellow I haven't seen for years Albert

Collins oh Albert Miss Courtney's

boyfriend never yes true he's a crook

he's a con man no you must be mistaken

he's just come back from the Far East

he's been away for 20 years he's been

away all right doing some

porridge he's been in prison he was in

the Nick with my brother-in-law he's in

an out of there like a Fiddler's

Elbow do you know what his speciality is

finding lonely women asking the marry

him taking their life savings and

scaring I getting married in the

morning enter ding the B uh Miss

Courtney I'm afraid I've got some rather

disturbing news oh nothing you could say

to me today would disturb me Mr BR well

I think this might it's about Albert ah

Albert my future husband yeah you see

I've just been talking to Sid husband

yes we're getting married by a special

license oh no oh now Mr Brown I know

you're fond of me but you mustn't take

it has he tried to borrow any money from

you and I fail to see what business that

is of yours he has look I hate to I have

to tell you Mr Courtney but your future

husband is a crook don't be so

impertinent it's true I'm afraid he's a

con man he specializes in proposing to

lonely women and then taking their money

oh nonsense I don't believe it well last

Sid his brother-in-law was in prison

with him prison are you sure I'm afraid

so well perhaps he's reformed come on

you don't believe that do

you

no I thought it was too good to be

true he's coming back to take me out to

dinner what shall I do

don't worry Miss courtley I'll deal with

him you just leave everything to

me ah I got a message for you from Miss

Courtney oh yes push

off what look I know all about your

little game so I advise you to get lost

quick before I throw you out you and

who's are there me and this

Army

well uh yeah yeah well um perhaps I had

better be

[Laughter]

going it's all right Miss Courtney he's

gone oh thank you Mr

[Applause]

br

[Music]

do

[Music]

there you are love thank you Sugar's on

the

table there a cup of tree bread P one of

these day said you'll actually buy one

and I'll drop down Dead with shock buy

one yes tea is is free it's one of the

perks that goes with his job oh how are

you off for a bit of a touch I beg your

pardon I'm talking about money I'm

brassic L you're always skinid I'm sorry

no

oh hello lad hello sit ah how are you my

old

Japan Japan my old Japan you're rhyming

slang meaning

friend not Japan you mean joh

the old China plate me mate jelly good I

don't suppose any of you boys

could it's only your PID day no

understand sorry please

sorry give us a pack of Cs from under

the counter with I got to get some money

somehow well what you going to do going

to play a little game of find the lady

oh nobody might want to play Oh They'll

have to play when I give them the old

come on

come on what yeah well you know I've

only got a quid till payday yeah well if

I let somebody win that they can't stop

it never fails now all I got to do now

is find a mug coffee please hello mug

Max Max uh would you uh no Sid no no I'm

not trying to trap you I thought perhaps

you might like a game of cards I don't

like to gamble a don't miss it's only

for a bit of fun come on sit down enjoy

yourself this is called find the lady

you see now the lady is a queen now

there's the queen and there's the other

two cards now what I do is I shuffle

them about and the object is to see if

my eyes could deceive your eyes the

quickness of my hand deceives your eyes

Eric where is

it

there oh you're right you're very good

you have got sharp eyes haven't you sure

I have do you want to have another go

yes here where is it

this

one W twice on the turn hey you are very

very good aren't you pretty smart eh

nobody's ever beat me twice tell you

what if You' been playing for money

you'd won two quid now two quids yeah do

you want to go again okay right only

this time I better P I thought you said

you don't bet my father he teach me two

rules of gambling first rule always bet

on a certainty

you want this B oh yes I'll have a

little game with that yes why not now

then there's the queen there's the cast

H back where is it this is the lady well

three times on the truck that's

fantastic hey I like this game do

you like it yes good D little quits

quits I don't want to play anymore but

you can't do that the second rule my

father tell me always quit when you're

winning

good evening please oh R you're late I

thought you weren't coming you've missed

the first half of the session a thousand

apologies but I'm falling asleep on the

Underground tube I'm going right past my

getting off stop and not waking up until

cocky Fosters cocky

Fosters perhaps you're working too hard

I am working three times too hard what

do you mean well my proper job is

working on the Underground Railway tube

and I'm working the early morning

shaft you mean shift that is correct I

am working from 6:00 morning time until

2:00 afternoon time then I'm doing other

job for garage pumping the petrol until

6:00 evening time well even for allowing

for the time you spent here you could

still have 8 hours sleep oh no when I'm

leaving here I'm working in public house

until after the midnight I think you're

over over doing it ran G to work and no

play makes Jack a Dull Boy this Jack is

he having three jobs

also it's just a saying look why are you

working so hard I'm saving up for the

airplane oh you want to buy an airplane

no no just a ticket to Punjab are you

thinking of leaving us Rie only for one

week my mother is being 60 years old

this week so I'm giving her the big

surprise of

myself I am now having the money for the

plan ticket 230 English pound it's a lot

of money to carry around rangi you could

be mugged on your way home you are

speaking absolute wisdom here you keep

for me me most certainly then if I am

being mugged the mug man will not find

money oh it's too big a responsibility

please you keep for me until tomorrow

then I buy ticket oh very well thousand

thank you

sir right come along everyone a lot of

work to get through good quickly now

come on than you well right now for the

rest of this evening we are going to

have a debate now can anybody tell me

what the word debate means and I don't

want to hear anyone say debate is what

you put on the fishing

line anybody tell me what a debate is

come along suie what is Parliament noted

for collap politicians who make RW to PL

working classes yeah agree well that's

what we call debating quite simply it

means to discuss or dispute a given

subject and that's what we are going to

do all right do you understand what

we're talking about zon but not we're

going to have a debate an argument ah a

fight no no no not with fists with mouth

ah G

what piss with words look just do your

best to follow us all right right now

the first thing we need to do is find

somebody to chair the debate I'm good at

that have you done it before sure every

Saturday I got go to chair my football

team I'm talking about chair not cheer

excy right well I shall be the chairman

now what subject would you like to

debate

girls girls is not a subject subjects

for debates are usually in the form of

questions for example uh should men and

women have equal pay for equal work

should capital punishment be brought

back should Enoch po be

deported yes that's the general idea

right now for our debate I think we'll

take the subject of Television is

television a good or bad influence on

the community all right now we need two

proposers and two opposers in other

words two people to speak for good and

two for bad ju how about you

for good or bad H sometimes I am

good I I am bad not not talking about

you personally one do you think

television is good uh Sometimes good

sometimes fad make your mind up one in a

debate you can't sit on the

fence I'm not sitting on fence

sitting forget I asked you hey what you

ask me well forget it how can I forget

it if I don't

remember never mind all right right

tarot you can be the first proposer

ass

up now we need a lady uh Jamila you can

be the second proposer G now to opposers

uh Ali how about you yes please and uh

Danielle am I good or bad

bad oh I like being bad because when I'm

bad I'm really

good and well just remember we are

talking about Television right now pay

attention everyone terara will speak

first with the proper position that

television is good for the community go

ahead Terra

aome television is very good for

everyone uh more people watch more

people buy and Japan make best

television Japan make best

everything Castle ceras radi thank just

remember you are speaking about

television not doing a commercial for

Japan

aome television is a good for teaching I

learn many English words from

television like a what a g

day don't forget fruto g

m thank you ter

right uh Danielle would you uh present

your case against television yeah

we I think television is very bad

because it make people stay up at night

instead of going to bed to make

love everybody wants to go to bed to

Make Love why not that's right sometimes

it's much better to make a love

outside in sweet

we make love

everywhere well I

think getting off the subjects now come

along make love much better

proposition come on stick to the point

please Danielle ah I think television is

very bad for the eyes yes and also for

the

legs

hey my brother Miguel he had bad legs

from his

television how can your brother possibly

have bad legs from his television he

dropped it on his

foot should have asked should I carry on

Daniel I cannot think of any more to say

after this ah right well uh Jamila would

you like to present your case for the

good of Television

G I am like very much watch the

television the television make people

most happy with good good program like

Carnation

Street Coronation Street huh and last

week I am watched this

week watching this week last week this

week is the name of a program rangit

thousand

apologies and also television is be free

you have to buy the license what

license

haven't you got a television license no

no need license I'm sorry Jamila but you

do no look it's an offense not to have

one if the detective van comes around

you could be heavily fined no look don't

argue Jamila it's the law not for me why

not for you no have television

set watch next door they have

license thank you jiller right Ellie

your turn uh jelly

good I am thinking television is very

bad because it is showing too much of

the violence good point Thank

you last night I'm seeing somebody been

drowned then shot and then had their

heads chopped off what was that the

professionals or stari and Hutch Tom and

Jerry excuse me Mr Brown can you spare a

moment uh just a moment Miss Court we're

right in the middle of a very

interesting debate could you wait just a

minute please certainly not oh very well

right Javan out here certainly Professor

would you take the chair

sure I mean will you chair the debate ex

right let Ali finish and then uh throw

it open give everybody a say then take a

vote and if I'm still not back by then

you can dismiss the class and go home

okay okay

okay you heard what profor say Alice to

finish we have the talk we have the vote

and then we go home okay you finish Ali

no I haven't I was you

finished anybody want to talk okay we

take the vote everybody think TV is okay

put up at the hands everybody think TV

is not okay put up at the hands ah we

call it a drawer CL

dismiss you're going

somewhere would you care to go for a

drink M no thank you Mr Brown I want to

get to the post office in time to catch

the last post ah oh I wonder would you

post a letter for me yes certainly yeah

uh that's the one right good night then

Mr Brown good

night well that's another day over Sid

yeah worst luck yeah oh I'm always glad

to get home you wouldn't say that was in

my

message hello hello what's the matter

here here it's full of bees and Hy I

wonder who it is I know who it is

now don't you think you ought to take it

into the police station don't be picking

dly gr find us his Keepers oh

[Applause]

s

[Music]

[Applause]

and ah Mr Brown hush don't you hush me

Miss Courtney I'm in terrible trouble

you certainly are you're 10 minutes late

no no no worse than that Ive lost 230

that ran gave me to look after well how

on Earth did you manage to do that I've

no idea it must have fallen out of my

pocket I've looked everywhere I went to

the police station to ask if anyone had

handed it in and they just laughed and

what am I going to tell ranit the truth

Mr Brown You' better do it in private

you can use my office I will send him to

you I suppose the direct approach will

be best ranit I have lost your money no

no I can't do that it's too harsh better

soften the blow a bit ranit come in uh

have a seat would you like a cup of tea

no no R I have something something to

tell you are you sitting comfortably oh

no I'm

standing oh come here sit down have a

cup of tea there isn't any ah well I

well I'll get you one miss Courtney said

you have something to tell me yes ranit

I am human and you are human and human

beings are fallible I mean I'm fallible

and you're

fallible no I'm

Punjabi no no what I'm trying to say

ranit

is well I have lost your

money

did you hear me the money you saved up

to go and visit your mother with but

I've lost

it I'm sorry

rangit good evening hello Sid what's the

matter you look as if you lost under

pound and found 10 P there's many a true

words spoken in Gest a come on cheer up

Have a Cigar no thanks can't be as bad

as all that it's worse well look at me

yesterday I didn't have 18y today I can

have a ten on all and take no notice

couldn't lend me £230 could you no

chance that's all there was in the

envelope what envelope the envelope I

found outside of school

you talk about that was ran jeet's money

have you still got it

no why didn't you hand it in hey hey

wait what are you doing je we found your

money

oh oh praise be to the

Lord able to be seeing my mother oh

she'll be so happy to be seeing

me there's only 130 in here that's right

oh where's the other 100 oh is is here

what is that that's a betting slip of1

on Rainbow's End in the 615 at the night

race at

Windsor 615 we can still make that come

on everybody

quickly Mr Brown what is going on ah

we're just taking an early tea Break um

in the betting

shop the 615 at

Windor the horses are lining up for the

start and they're

off and right away turn his boy in the

lead followed by de's Delight golden

wonder and Skylock then comes Southern

peacock and slim line where is Rainbow

Zen and bringing up the rear is Rainbow

Zen and that's the order at the Ben the

dev's Delight closing a little and

Skylock now overtaking golden Wonder

Southern peacock is dropping back and

who is this coming through on the inside

slim

line as they come into the straight it's

still Ernie boy de's delight and Skylock

and here's rainow the outside and with

four fongs to go it's Ernie's boy dev's

delight and rainbow Z now in third place

boy is pulling away slightly but rainbow

Z is overtaking it's challenging

strongly two fings to go and Rainbow's

End is gaining on NE neck as they come

to the and at the Finish it's

rainbow win up 5 to two that's 250 quid

that's p you and the rest for me yeah

come on let's go draw it for one moment

there's a steart

inquiry the red flag's gone up oh blimy

it is a Russian

horse rainbow 's been disqualified for

bumping and place last we are losing and

I won't be able to be visiting my

mother oh

poor he was so much looking forward to

seeing his mother he will see his mother

but Master G he was going to be catch

plane on Saturday how will he we get 100

before then we'll get it for it even if

we have to beg borrow or steal

it

16 please oh thank you thank you you

want a photograph very cheap three for

one

p buy a pretty flow for your pretty wife

no thanks you want to buy flow for

pretty wife oh no thanks J

salami sandwiches from here from French

bread come

[Music]

on have your fortune sto by Madame J

come on young man would you like to your

fortune told now sit there Madame Jam

this young man's Fortune please do cross

my pound with

50p

head up on there that is not the lady

I'm telling that's a lady there I'll do

a bu more for you to show you that you

could be wrong you can't be wrong all

the

time one for you ah Mr Bown please hold

please

hold

[Music]

good evening Miss Courtney good evening

Mr Brown I hear you managed to raise the

money for Mr Sing Fair yes he'll be at

the airport now how is he going by plane

or

balloon oh you heard about that yes yes

if that caretaker hadn't been on the

roof to catch my legs heaven knows where

I'd be now where there you usually are

Mr Brown with your head in the

clouds

evening well firstly may I say thank you

for all your efforts yesterday to help

raise the fair for

ranit no no no it was a remarkable

effort which is more than I can say for

your

homework I am not happy with your

answers and we are also not happy with

the

questions hey I've got an idea you're

not happy we're not happy so if you not

give us any homework we both be happy

okay silence look in future you will be

given extra homework and I hope that I

see some improvement some of you are

just simply not trying for example Max

the opposite of ATI Meridian is not

Uncle Meridian but post

meridian okay what you're laughing about

Giovani your answer to the question

write a sentence using a metaphor was

unbelievable but I did write a sentence

using a metaphor oh yes last night I

phoned my girlfriend on a metaphor a

drink Ali for your information a polygon

is a term used to describe a figure with

angles and sides and have nothing

whatsoever to do with the disappearing

parrot Brown this Str want to have a

word with you ah new pup pill would you

like to sit over there no sit look for

oh well I'm afraid he's not here he's

going over this weekend to visit his

mother as a surprise for her birthday

hia that is terrible why what's the

matter I am his mother

I for my birthday to surprise

ranit must

[Applause]

[Music]

cred

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

oh

[Music]

do

[Music]

I'll be punching in the

chers I'll be kicking you off the

Kat

[Music]

come on what's going on here what's all

this about they having a religious

discussion yes well everyone sit down

please I will not have this sort of

behavior in the classroom he's saying

Rudy thinks about Allah and you are

saying rud things about my case yes well

in future kind of keep your differences

to yourselves now shake hands oh no I'm

not shaking hands with an

Infidel but he's the one who started any

I'm only giving him titty for titty well

I tit for T yes

please I don't care who started it shake

hands okay ranit I cannot shake the hand

for a

barbarian well either you shake hands or

go home it's entirely up to

you and pay attention everybody please

pay attention butut uh

ah

attention no Zan it's not that sort of

attention it means to attend to

listen hey he know speak very good no I

would like you all to help Zan to grasp

a few rudiments of the English language

excuse please yes in what is

rudiment can anybody tell ingred what I

mean by teaching Zan some rudiments of

English sure you are asked to tell him a

few naughty

jokes no Giovani just English

conversation we will learn him to speak

English as good as what we

do second thoughts perhaps it's not such

a good idea after all right come on

let's get cracking questions and answers

tonight come on remember you're here to

learn not enjoy yourselves

ju what is a

colloquialism it's a long

word yes but what does it mean ah it

means

uh I don't know what it

means it's another word for slime for

slang ah like a broken arm broken arm

see when you break your arm you put it

in a

slung that's a sling ah it's all right

ism is a term applied to words used in

everyday English that are not literary

understand

no well I suggest you study chapter nine

vocabulary all right

ter rephrase the following sentence the

lawn needs cutting badly the LA needs

cutting

goodly no tarot the lawn badly needs cut

aome what is the future of the verb I

sleep I

vake no Anna the future of the verb I

sleep is I am going to sleep yeah and

after I sleep I

vake giovan see give me a sentence using

the word

deliver that's easy too much Veno is so

no good for or

deliver are you serious sure I read it

in a

newspaper yeah well I suggest you study

the chapter on spelling Okie

K Max decline the verb to

write hi write he write

wrong okay hi right he

wrong

I write he writes she writes concentrate

on your verbs okay Ali yes please spell

chemist oh blame

me k e chemist does not begin with a k

it sounds like it begins with k CH H but

that is making it

chemist no the CH is pronounced c ah now

I'm understanding c h is C yes oh blimy

then last night I'm eating a sandwick

with keys and

kuty it's not a hard and fast rule Ellie

you should study the chapter on

consonant jell

good give me another word for

obnoxious

Swedish being and Truth

telling on

R if something that is black is blackish

what is something that is red a

book reddish a thousand apologies but

you are right they are red but are

rishes and I like them very

much

radishes another thousand apologies suie

what is a green belt what you wear with

your gleen

Gless a gleen a green Bel is an area of

land on which you're not allowed to

build

build J what is the past tense of I

ride excuse Master G I know he question

what is the past tense of I

rided I like better when I know here

question

to Miller I

ride I ride it Road ah I rided on

road the past tense of iide is I

rad ingred what is the meaning of the

word

illiterate someone who's knowing a

language not at last someone has

answered a question correctly well done

ing the question was easy is this your

us listen how she speaks the English all

backwards to

front that won't do girls come on Eng

deserves to be complimented she's the

only one to answer a question correctly

hey you not ask San anything

yet I hardly think you'll understand the

question they'll only be able to give an

answer

please what is

this book ah book good what is that

window window

door door very good now what is this

window book what is that door

window door

good

Crumpet if this is an example of your

teaching methods Mr Brown I am not a

oh it's probably something he's picked

up from Giovani yeah well I came in to

ask you about the coach trip what coach

trip don't you ever read the notice

boards oh uh yes well occasionally now

listen everybody for the past two weeks

there has been a notice on the board to

the effect that Mrs Hunter our history

teacher is organizing her annual coach

trip to a stately home for Sunday we are

going to barklay Hall The ancestral home

of Humphrey Earl of Barkley which is

renowned for its remarkable collection

of tapestries and ancient manuscripts

now who would like to go please don't

you want to go but I'm afraid he doesn't

understand much English well put his

name down it'll do him good the tickets

are 150 each you can collect the money

and I shall expect you to come along of

course uh are you going naturally well I

had planned to do something on Sunday

canate yeah well I don't think I can you

see I shall expect you to be here on

Sunday at 12:00 shop

everyone are the others on the coach

they all arrived not yet morning

everybody

everybody what is all this it's beer we

are not driving so we can't be drinking

hey should do we have the first one now

no we won't have the first one now look

please get on the coach everybody we

can't why not they've only sent one

coach we C is in and now sorting it

out what the man's name is Courtney the

man said you only ordered one coach it's

not true I definitely ordered two

coaches typical male

inefficiency no problem yes we're a

coach missing can't they send one round

they haven't got another one they're

fully booked what are we going to do oh

I can get you coach could you Sid yeah

my brother-in-law he's in the coach

business he lets you out for outings and

old age pensioners I drive for him in me

spare time would you like to go and ring

him Sydney oh don't worry I'll pop

around the corner it's not very far I'll

be back in 10 minutes with a cockroach

what with a

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

coach stop this at once please I expect

they're anxious to get started look why

don't you get going and we'll follow on

as soon as Sid arise what a good idea

now Mrs Hunter will you get on the bus

tellow me oh thank you

all right miss courau me no I'm not

going ah you've changed your mind no I

am going on your coach with

you stop me please

me don't blind me I'm thinking we are

missing the bus no no no no our hasn't

arrived yet we are being okay all

right we have one hey you got some beer

as well ah why do we have a drink now

it's a good

idea it is not a good idea at all this

is supposed to be an educational trip

not a tipler

t

here we are is this the best you can do

Sid don't worry she's very comfortable

just like riding on a cushion of

[Music]

there there's plenty more where this

came

from hey when we get on Coach you and me

we sit together okay hey I'mma sit next

to Daniel you got sit next to ingred no

no no no ingred sits beside me hey I

would very much like to sit with

[Applause]

ingred what are you arguing about now

it's about where we sit on the coach

Professor that Daniel is desperate to

sit next to me

is that right Danielle no you see she

want to sit next to me yes no I want to

sit next to m brown I like Mr Brown to

sit with you not sit next to m brown you

swiish everybody sit down in your places

please right as we have some time to

wait for the puncture and in order to

avoid any further arguments we will draw

lots lots off

what

drawing lcks will decide who will sit

next to who all right so I want you to

write your names on these pieces of

paper I'm giving you and then we will

put them in the waist paper basket and

draw them out one at a time like a

bingo similar to bingo yeah don't forget

to write your name no I won't been you

right everybody finished right now fold

them up and uh put them in here and this

time when I draw them up out that will

be final I don't want any more arguments

is that

understood good right everybody ready

then ingred uh will you give them a

shake for me please yeah I shake it for

you

good

Al me who is going to be the lucky one

to be getting

me

ranit

can you please be starting again no it's

a perfectly Fair system in any case it's

time you to learn to

coexist

max if the next name is Giovani I'm not

going on second thoughts I'd rather have

giovan you are very

rude only joking

when we get on Coach you and me we sit

at the back okay we sit at the front and

no funny

business

Danielle please let it be

me Zan Santa

Maria you will sit next to Danielle on

the

coach ah thank you it's all

right

Taro Jam happy to sit next to you I am

also most happy to be sitting next to

you

in the S pleased

me

[Laughter]

one

Gianni it's got to be suly or you

profor shie but who are you to be

sitting next to

Professor come along

[Music]

everybody come on Mr Brown right you

know where we're going Sid no

idea and how does he think he is going

to get us there oh don't worry Miss

Courtney I've got a map in a pretty good

sense of direction we'll be there in

time I am thinking we are lost we are

not lost now where are we Sid I don't

know you had the map you were doing the

navigating well I couldn't read it in

that old bone shaker of yours it kept

jiggling up and down then you should

have jiggled up and down with it

completely lost we are not lost we're

just not where we should be well perhaps

you could show us where we should be

well I know where we should be I just

don't know where we

are look we passed a sign just down the

road now did anybody see what it said

yes please right well I'll look it up on

the map and then we will know where we

are I really don't think that could be

much help Mr bra with all due respect

Miss Courtney I happen to possess a

Pathfinder badge from the Boy Scout so I

know quite a bit about the

M once I know what the sign said it's a

simple matter to find out our exact

location now what did the sign say

cattle crossing

y do you think you can find that on the

map Mr Brown I'm telling you we are lost

if you don't shut up you'll be lost cuz

when we move off we'll abandon you well

I suggest we carry on until we get to a

main road this bound to be a sign post

good idea right start her up Sid right

come on everyone finish your drink

please

leaving now what's the matter

well it sounds to me as if the engine

won't start that is patently obvious the

engine won't

start why won't it start well hang on a

minute we'll find out boys give a s with

that Bonnet will you give a that oh and

uh Mr Brown switch the indix on when I

tell you all

right switch

[Music]

John

fny Sid your petful gauge reads empty

yeah well it's broken it always reads

empty how do you know when it is empty I

got I got a dip stick here see stand

backe stand back this courney if he get

the fetal here you put the dip stick in

as far as it'll go that tells you

whether it's full up or whether it's

empty they are it's

empty you marvelous we don't know where

we are even if we did we wouldn't be

able to get anywhere oh never mind I'll

go find a

garage hey why don't we all have

another as there's no telling how long

Sid will be we got no thank you and I

don't think any of you should have a

drink either oh come on Miss c one

little drink won't harm anyone they have

already consumed two of those large cans

what goes in must eventually come

out and it could lead to a lot of

embarrassments squeeze me

please I'm already wanting to be

embarrassing well you will have to wait

don't blame

me I shall wait on the

coach right we'll come and gather around

everyone while we're waiting for seed we

might as well have a lesson a no lesson

Mr Brown is not in the class A no good

to work on Sundays 6 days shalt thou be

in labor no sh in China people work

every day where Le P we are not in China

yeah all right all right we will play a

game yeah hey I know a good game a kick

or a kiss never heard of it the boys

chased the girls and when they catch one

they say what do you want a kick or a

kiss that's a good game from you I

prefer a kick

we will play I Spy now that is a game

that will help you all with your

vocabulary now you give the first letter

of something you can see and everybody

else has to try and guess what it is

I'll start it off so you'll see how it's

played I spy with my little eye

something beginning with

G huh g

g

joani now I'll give you a clue I'm

sitting on it bottom

no Max

gate H right who's going to go next yes

please R I am spying with my little eyes

something beginning with n n everyone

nose no nettle no net no neck

no no nail no n

you are being stupid knitting is not

starting with the end well done ranit

right we give up now you tell us what is

it that begins with end engine

yeah you damn fool we are being more

stupid than I am you call me stupid you

Pakistani

Pap you to St

again Mr Brown I got some petrol from

the little farm over there I'll get you

there in no right come on everyone

[Music]

[Applause]

all at everybody

[Applause]

at now come along

hey hey wait a

minute what do you think you're going we

are going to visit B's Hall Oh no you're

not shovel don't speak to us like that I

should report you to the Earl of barley

I am the earl of Barkley push off before

I set the dogs on

you you don't understand we have come to

visit your stately home well you're too

late I only the house from 12 to 4: it's

now uh qu to 5: so shove off but please

your elip couldn't you possibly they're

not I don't believe it what a waste of a

day but it was a nice drive it was a

terrible drive you think you had better

take us home

Sydney and for goodness sake Mr Brown

try not to lose us this time don't worry

Miss Courtney I never make the same

mistake twice all right come on you L

get I think we're up here oh no we're

definitely down here you are both wrong

we are over here squeeze please I know

where we are well how uh we are where we

are been before how do you know that I'm

finding our drinking

things hey well that's eesy I know me

way back from here well thank goodness

for that like come on everybody back on

the coachy we

[Music]

the I think I am going to scream now

what are we going to do there's only one

thing we can do come on everybody uh I

spy with my little eye something

beginning with right

[Applause]

[Music]

do

[Music]

come on Reni it's your turn thinking

what I'm going to be doing you have been

sinking for 5 minutes patience are

playing scrabo not

patience what do we want suly 18 okay K

here we

go

18 19

19 20 hey bu size to win H very good

Bravo right it's your turn now okay hey

attention is

throwing sry you thr I know B what we

want a five there five

[Applause]

there hey you're getting better yes yeah

you're starting to hit the board

good what you're supposed to throw it

forwards not backwards where is it sh I

I

see oh dear me it's a good thing you

were wearing a t and rwise you would

have gone straight through your head oh

blimy you wouldn't have felt it you'll

be feeling my fist in a moment sorry Rin

I'm still thinking yeah six are slow

thinkers shut your

we must have time limit on come ah I'm

getting a good

one

sugar

no sugar is not spelled s h u g a

r I'm you are mistaken you damn fool

everybody knows sugar is spelled with

two

G's we

win won game one he we not have time Mr

Brown he be here pretty PR you flight a

new

R I beat you blind that F liy ho let's

see you get double the top with your

eyes closed easy

easy closed a

one a

two who do this me ah I was trying to

get that in top Rook AR you get it in

the

bottom are you hurt Sid huh did it hurt

you bend down and you'll find out what

is going on in here not a thing d game I

beg your pardon it was us telling her

he's good at that playing well in future

Sydney will you kindly remember that the

students have more important things to

do do you get my point yeah I got his

point as

well good Heavens what's the matter his

door is full of H maybe it's a wooden

worm wood worm ah all right yes well

I've just had a telephone call from Mr

Brown he says he will be along later

apparently he is tied up at his flat oh

blimy should he not be going to untie

him I was speaking

metaphorically it is better you speak

English now Mr Brown may put up with

your stupid remarks but I assure you you

will find be a very different kettle of

fish excuse me please what is mean

kettle of fish you'll find

out now until Mr Brown arrives I intend

to find out what sort of progress you

are making you how are you doing

banut how are you doing very pleased

thank you how are you

doing sing about your English butut your

English no no no

Hungarian you're heless no no look

hungar on sit down thank

you you give me the present perfect of

the verb to

move you know it not well of course I

know it oh good then you can we tell it

is not my place to tell you anything how

can we learn if you tell us

not

you what is a

comma what is a comma comma H coma coma

is when you are

unconscious that is a coma a coma is a

punctuation mark ah sorry I don't think

Mr Brown is teaching you anything Master

G's teach us very Lots English when I am

arri not one bodies is understand me now

now everybody's is understand everything

I am speak I see well in that case if

someone were to stop you in the street

and ask you the time what would you

say that wouldn't help them oh yes in my

street is all Indian

peoples

you yeah yes please give me a collective

noun for a collection of ants

aunties not ants ants insects what is a

lot of ants a damn

nuisance have you never heard of swarm

yes please England is called Pakistan

swarm oh sorry I'm late Miss Courtney

where am I I have just been seeing how

your students are getting on oh I think

they're progressing yes but in which

[Music]

direction what have you been saying to

upset Miss Coury o blimy we are saying

nothing she's asking some questions and

we are telling her some answers well

that explains it are you going away

ready for one night I'm having my flat

painted that's why I can't sleep there

you are having your bed painted also

no just I I can't stand the smell of

fresh gloss paint where will you be

sleeping tonight well I'll probably stay

at the YMCA hey much better than the Y

WCA i' suppose any of you have a spare

room do you it would give me much

pleasure for you to share my humble

house but unfortunately my cousin and

his family and also his cousin and his

family is staying with me you got two

families both living in one house two

families both living in one

room you are very welcome to come and

stay with me have you got a spare room

no but I have a very big

bed yes well thank you for the offer but

I think it better be the

YMC you can with me stay yeah don't tell

me you've got a very big bed also no I

have small bed better

mat okay you stay with hus who's hus um

us

me and Gian sure we got a room I didn't

know you Shar a flat yeah I had to leave

my other place I had a big fight with a

neighbor because of the noise what noise

every night after midnight guitar

practice for 1 hour oh surely you could

ask them to stop no why not it's me who

practice the

guitar don't still practice the guitar

do you no finish guitar oh thank

goodness for that now I practice the

drums what I make that joke I not

practice anything hey what you say you

can stay with us well I am okay okay you

stay hey why don't we have a party

that's a good idea everybody

comes I bring a bottle yeah makeing sure

it's not

empty bottle bra yeah we get us some

pizza chicken curry flight light CH

ands

sausage

I make you we give you a night you never

forget yes that's what I'm afraid

of come in Professor oh thank you this

is the hall this is the kitchen this is

my bedroom that's my bedroom this is the

living room and this and that's my

bedroom no that's the bathroom oh but

where am I sleeping well you sleep here

on the sofa sure it's a very comfortable

[Music]

don't what was

that what was what awful noise it's only

a train only a TR this is worse than the

waiting room at waterl station don't

worry you get used to it D he ran every

10 minutes after

R I'll never be able to sleep through

all that noise we give you some cotton

wool to put in your ears well I need it

hey look we both go better get the

drinks you want to come with us

Professor well actually I'd like a bath

if that's all right with you okay K

we'll be back in 10

minutes I left them here on the table

here where Professor well he said he was

going to have a bath okay come on all

right just a

moment

hello Max youan anybody

there

de Sergeant here's Madam a

burglar now don't panic stay where you

are and I'll send a police car around

right

[Music]

away he's trying to pick next door's

lock don't worry I'll sort him out oh I

do hope this sort of thing doesn't

happen often I only moved in yesterday

stand back I'm going out there George

you stay with Miss

Partridge all right come

quietly oh look you're making a mistake

you live here uh no but I'm staying here

with friends what's the address uh I

don't know I've never been here before

you see I see look there's a perfectly

simple explanation well why don't you

come down to the station and S it to the

perfectly simple

sergeant

[Applause]

hey professor is not out here he he's

not in the bathroom well he's not out

there either maybe he decide to sleep at

YMCA after all n his back is still there

he said he was going to have a bath oh

blim Me Maybe he has gone down the plug

hole Japanese philosopher

sale

who personal is not

here he must be somewhere

else we ni us somewhere else but

somewhere where when

not hey what's the matter it's Mr Brown

what about Mr Brown he's gone gone 10

minutes ago he was here now he's a

[Music]

gone not

vanish right what's your name Jeremy

brown brown yes oh well I suppose it

makes a change from a Smitha Jones now

according to PC Barnes you were caught

breaking an intering I was not breaking

and entering were you picking the lock

yes but do you live there no but uh

charge breaking and entering now look

you're making a terrible mistake that's

what crippin

said I demand to see my lawyer Sid

they've not nabbed you tonight as well

is he one of your accomplice eh no I

know him he he can vouch for me State he

in he couldn't even vouch for his own

mother what's he done bares drunk and

disorderly pardon drunk and disorderly

so am

I Sergeant he is the caretaker at the

school where I teach he will tell you

who I am you do you know this man he's a

coper see it's me look tell the sergeant

who I am Charlie

fbar what never tell your real names

John oh take him away bring him back

when he's

sober yes

[Music]

we now they Mr Brown or F bars or

whatever you call

yourself

profess Max Giovani thank goodness

you're here look tell this tell this

Sergeant who I am he's Mr Jeremy Brown

yeah he teach us to speak a the English

do you live at six winthop Road sure we

do what happened where you been well I

got locked out on your balcony and your

public spirited neighbor thought I was a

burglar and called the police so you

were telling the truth huh yes I have a

good mind to sue you for false arrest if

you do there'll be a charge of assault

and battery I haven't assaulted anyone

no but I should go now before I

[Music]

do

[Music]

everybody we find Mr

Brown now we all have the

party Hey where's all the food we saved

you a piece of Kish oh good blame me I

was hungry so I'm eating

it bigger deal well actually I could do

with the drink no drink what not a

drop see one drop don't worry Professor

I'll fix everything for us Max Pub okay

I go and get some beer then we all have

the party n not

our I make a DAT with Danielle we all

going to have a

dance we must also be go yes H Master G

Ali is let me watch his television yes

we are not wanting to miss starers and

crutch and H J good see you school time

yeah good evening everybody's a thousand

apologies why what have you done nothing

is what I'm going to be

doing what are you going to be doing

taking ing for a l show we going see

Swedish film it is being all about a

Swedish

PA I think you mean o PA that is correct

you'll be excusing us please yeah

certainly have a good

time I don't tell me you two are going

to the pictures

too no not

so suly and me go to

bed where you come not together I go

home to Le r book uh I I go sleep po

yeah

say too much sck too much sck hope you

have present

night ciao well it's going to be a

swinging party not to worry now we got

plenty beer for five you have even more

for three oh not you twoo Anna yeah us

to I help Zan mid homor come again good

morning good night I

hope and then there were three okay

everybody's

here hey where is everybody they've all

pushed off some nice friends we got hey

look why don't we go down to the Disco

hey that's a good idea and we pick up a

couple of birds oh I don't want to pick

up a couple of birds Professor is right

we don't want to pick up a couple of

birds we pick up three birds one each

now you two go on why you not want to

come with us well I feel tired and

wounded I think I'll just uh turn in for

the night you sure now yeah no but don't

startop you two going okay cocki I'll

just get ready for bed now you'll find

some blankets in the hering cupboard

[Music]

[Applause]

and any cotton wool in the bathroom

thank you see you

tomorrow

hey why is he Shing I don't

know you want to be here before we go

sure there you

are hey it's a stuffy in here

a that's a

better nice party

fantastic you know Max I really f Dad

ingred yeah you fancy anyone that's not

true is

it don't fancy

[Laughter]

you

hey our lights just gone out Mr Brown

must be wanting to

sleep we better go to the Disco

okay it's locked hey

professor the house was very quiet

nothing could be heard yet the old lady

could almost feel a sense even she

listened the silence was

oppressive suddenly there was a knock at

the

window de Sergeant oh it's not you again

madam are you sure it's not the same

fellow there are two

fellows look I I suggest you just sit

there and wait go around and see your

neighbor and wait till the Constable

arrives hey

[Music]

no come

in oh please excuse me the front door

was open I did knock oh sorry I was

asleep there's burglar on my balcony you

sure yes I saw them evil looking they

were they'll be ripening my drawers now

the French window wasn't locked oh I see

all right well uh leave it with me I'll

go and see what they're up to oh do be

careful

yes what are we going to do breaket the

window Max de what are you doing here

well you locked us out yeah we knocked

on the window next door and the woman

screamed and ran away oh she thought you

were a burglar you better get inside

just a moment I go and get the beer no

no no I'll get it you stay

here all

right now are you sure you don't mind me

staying here for the night not at all

sir I think it'll be safer for both of

us eh all right at least I'll get some

sleep good night sir good

night who's that oh it's you Mr Brown

let's have a sing song sugar in the

morning sugar

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

in

[Music]

do do

[Music]

do do do

[Music]

[Music]

do oh

if you wish to argue at least argue in

English

a making

people slaveries you are typical stupid

cetes you and other Imperial glasses

will be overthrown when leuan comes

so another another

one time you both learned to live

together in peaceful coexistence China

always prepared to live peacefully well

let's make a start in the classroom

shall we in Future No More ideological

arguments now are you willing to make a

truce Taro

yes I

apologize hey what's happening butaro

and suie have decided to live together

in harmony is that like living in sin

no Daniel we are making truso truso

you're getting married when is a happy

day not crusel

cror yeah what Terra means is that he

and suie have decided to have no more

political arguments that in har yes tell

me Daniel did you do anything exciting

over the weekend no did you no what a

pity you were alone not being excited I

was alone not being

excited together we could have both been

very

excited yes I'm sure we could

now good evening Mr Brown oh Al what

have you been doing with yourself over

the weekend Oh blimy Saturday I'm going

to the Palace of Buckingham to see her

majesty the queen but she was not in

then I'm going to grounding Street to

see the Prime Minister Mr coloras

hello yes please he was also no in then

I'm going to see the Nelson's Bo well I

hope he was in oh no I did not see him

either oh

God not ah ju yeah I've got a bone to

pick with you chicken

bone no a bone of contention ah I never

had that

before last week I asked you to write

out a verb is a word that denotes an

action or state 20 times ah right it om

look here it

is a verb is a word that denote an

action or state 20 times yeah 20 times

right I sometimes wonder if you're quite

as stupid as you

look never

mind good n good night noan good evening

good

evening she teach me plenty

much did you have a nice weekend Anna

yeah I enjoyed myself with the

fairies fairies what at the bottom of

your garden nine on the river TS oh

fairies yeah

fairies yeah good even good evening

Master G been shopping have you we are

being on the funny fair and I'm winning

these gifts on the shooting rifles for

only 20p well you must have been hitting

the Bull's Eye oh no I hit the or

man and he's giving us the prices to go

away and we are we have ice cream and D

nuts and lemonade and hotty dog juice

then we went up and down on the moon

rocket it's a wonder you both weren't

violently sick we were twice

each right by I'm marking the register

of Miss Courtney would you all turn to

page 27 please yes sentence construction

again

enter I brought your tea thank

you are you all

right would you like two tickets for the

ladyes circle supper dance oh I wouldn't

mind I like dancing 5S each oh no I'm

sorry as a Committee Member I'm supposed

to sell six tickets oh well I'm sure

you'll get rid of them not at that

price it's far too expensive for a

supper dance well I suppose they put on

a good spread oh yes last year I managed

to get two sausage

rolls who else do you know fool enough

to buy sausage rolls at £250 a

time oh Mr Brown come in we were just

talking about

you I be all thank you glis yes all

right Miss Courtney

good

luck what did you mean good luck nothing

at all now Mr Brown oh do sit down oh

I've just bought the register actually

well thank you very much but there's no

need to rush away sit down yeah but my

students will be Wai I'm sure they won't

miss you for a few moments would you

care to join me in a cup of tea yes

thank you now C and I were just talking

about you we were saying how lonely your

life must be not all you live alone

there's nothing to do in the evening I

mean for example what are you doing

tomorrow night after class well nothing

in particular good would you care to go

to a dance oh yeah with you I afraid not

Mr Brown but don't be disappointed I

shall be there but I already have my own

escort no the um ladyes Circle are

holding their annual supper dance I

happened to have two spare tickets and

of course I immediately thought of you

you do dance well little but I know Jean

Kelly oh well that's spendid there we

are then that's settled oh thank you

that's very good of you to consider oh

not at all Dear Boy you can give me the

money later yes all right

money for the tickets £5 each

F you didn't say tomorrow night did you

yes oh dear what a

Pity what is Mr BR well I have to go to

the laund r time down to my uh last

clean shirt how unfortunate yes any

other night but tomorrow would have been

fun well of course if you do have to go

to the lawn oh yes I do I do well then

we had better forget about it after all

I'm not the sort of person to put

pressure on anyone oh no I'm sure you're

not no point in forcing anyone to do

anything they don't want to do very true

oh by the way I should be having lunch

next week with the area education

officer I expect he want to know how

you're getting on really the right word

in his ear could lead to a fulltime job

oh that would be marvelous

yes pity about the

tickets10 you said you changed your

mind how

nice

sorry right now pay attention tonight we

are going to play a little game

pontoons no not a card game Max yeah I

know a good game postman's

knockers we're not playing those sort of

games either Giovani now this is a

verbal exercise to help you to improve

your English and test your imagination

glimy RIT is not having a

chance what we're going to do is to try

to tell a Continuing Story that is to

say we could for example start with once

upon a time there was a man called

Arthur and he was a bus driver and then

the next person would add something more

about Arthur and the things he did and

so on you'll soon pick it up once we get

started we'll start with you one I not

know this man

A Arthur is

fictitious but you say he's AAS

driver make believe I made him up ah

imaginario yeah I want you to make up a

story using your imagination I

understand H once upon a times there was

a man called nickel

ass that's not quite right no no once

upon a time there was a woman called

Nicholas it's pronounced Nicholas all

right once upon a time there was a man

called

nias he was a poster

man Postman no no no poster man one a

man who delivers letters is called a

postman a man who stick poster poster

H Bill sticker no no his name

[Laughter]

n all it's your turn ingred tell us more

about this uh Nicholas who is sticking

up

posters one man he up his ladder when he

sees a widow what is a widow do up his

ladder video is in the opposite house

there are four wids two upstairs wids

one downstairs video and the French

window you mean Windows oh sorry the man

is house robbing good good good right

your turn alter please yes continue the

story but we are making up a story

understand story story ah I know very

good story about Aladin and his

wonderful

limp

this is another story about Nicholas ah

Merry

Christmas s Nicholas comes every year ah

yes this is another Nicholas not St

Nicholas and he is on a ladder ladder

yes yes when he sees through a window a

burglar a robber now use your

imagination and tell us about what

happens

next he sends for

ambulance why would he send for an

ambulance he falls off leather good

imagination no

yes thank you right let's see what you

can do with the story Anna the burglar

he the ambulance but thinks it is the

police so he climbs back out of the

window up the fire escape onto the roofs

very good Max carry

on there is no way out he can't go

upo the only way heang go is hross

except big her cross so he gets ready he

runs he jumps and he

misses it's going to be a very short

story ah no now it's my turn he does not

kill himself because he jumps onto a big

lry full of how you say the cut grass

hey the cut

grass hey you're not hearing very well

you are have understanding very well cut

grass is called Hay oh no Ho

Hey so the hay is saving his life good

well done Daniel right Giovani your

turn now the coppers are

coming the burg panics then he sees at

the church so he goes and knockers on

the

door a priest he heared this

kneringer and open the door the burglar

he say father I'm in a big trouble so

the priest say come into the church my

son and I give you

Sanctuary okay says a burglar and

Sanctuary

[Laughter]

much very ingenious right Carry On

rangit Me

meanwhile the man who is falling off his

ladders is telling the police that he's

not a poster sticker upper man but the

secret agent and the burglar man is

being a Russian

spy well I must say you've all got very

vivid

imaginations tarot

a Russian spy noal priol and H and

change your closer to

escap the plot thickens right J

Miller but the Priestess be recover and

crawl to be ring church

bell Russian spy see him and T shoot at

him as Priestess fall he is pulled Bell

of Rob

[Music]

King very good

Ali yes

please the agent is thinking hello hello

that is very strange hearing Bells when

it is not Church going time so he's

going into the church and finding the

Russian spy up the B

fry come down with your hands stuck up

you are cut you dirty Russian rat

very good well shely I don't suppose

there's really much you can add to all

that is there oh yes I can very devious

Russian agent master of Kate overpowers

British

agent LS outside where helicopter

waiting to take him to safety fries off

the Renning

gland very good well it's not exactly

Alis mlan but well done everybody excuse

me Mr Brad but about to dance tomorrow

night it's Black Tie oh dear what a Pity

yes Mr

Brown oh high one

good you are dancing going yes with Miss

gney no no she sold me the tickets you

have more than one ticket two then you

must someone else take yes well that

would seem to be a fairly logical

assumption I very much like

dancing and M I have for dance S I would

love to be with you on the

floor I am no can Dan but I am very

happy for you to be teach me master G

but what about you suly aren't you

eligible for the other ticket too not me

western dancing decadent art form not

worthy of consideration by Chinese

Republic well that narrows it down to

Danielle Anna and ingred squee please

why you not taking me

can't dance with you Alie oh no I'm

thinking we could be picking up couple

of nice pieces of a skirt one for each

of us well I hardly think so not at the

lady's Circle it says on the tickets old

time now does that narrow it down any

further oh but not for me because I love

to dance in the old fashioned

[Applause]

way a medal I win for my black bottom oh

blim me

how can she be having a black bom when

she's

[Applause]

white it's a d s jelly

good well how about you Anna are you any

good at Old Time Germans are good at

everything but especially military

toep oh please me take to dance he much

prefer to take me don't you Mr Brown Mr

Brown must decide for himself there is

nothing to decide on actually I think

you should decide amongst yourselves

otherwise it might look as if I'm guilty

of favoritism now it's almost tea time

so I suggest you go up to uh the canteen

and decide amongst yourselves which one

of you girls is coming to the dance with

me tomorrow all

[Music]

[Music]

right

here aren't you going up for coffee no

thank you glis oh oh just a minute

gladus yes how's your dashing white

Sergeant oh if you mean my old man he's

shocking no no long time dancing oh so

she cond you into buying the tickets

then a blackmail would be more the right

word look are you any good at old time I

should say so I was noted for Mita

really yes oh in that case you're just

the woman I need oh that's nice yeah I'm

afraid my Pasad isn't quite what it

should be well I might not know the

technical words but I could show you the

steps come on quick now yes you want to

get it right for tomorrow night don't

you um yes right well look you hold my

hand and I'll La it right are you ready

go to the left like la la

la

la back la la la la la la to This Way la

la la back La

[Laughter]

lovely sorry uh sorry Miss Courtney we

were practicing the valita well I think

I'll sit this one out if you don't

mind and I'll have another cup of tea if

you don't mind ladies certainly miss

courney Mr Brown who are you taking to

the dance tomorrow night well I haven't

exactly decided yet I don't believe it

it's true Mr Brown's taking me to the

dance he's just ask

me right come along everyone places

please let's ask Mr

Brown I do not understand you Mr

Brown perhaps it has a muzer

complex what are you all talking about

your choice of partners for the dance I

haven't chosen a partner for the dance

for the dance I thought you were

deciding it amongst yourselves we did an

V us until Gladis told us you have asked

her gladice I haven't asked Gladis that

is what she's telling everybody that's

ridiculous there's obviously been some

misunderstanding I'm definitely taking

you to the dance tomorrow night Anna all

right don't worry I'll sort it out with

glad I'll have a word with her

now ah GL just the person I want yes Mr

Brown yeah it's about the dance tomorrow

night oh I know what you're going to say

you do yes but not to worry you won't

mind who won't mind my old man W is not

a bit jealous now listen glce I've got

something to say to you yes and I've got

something to say to you well I'll come

straight to the point this is the most

wonderful thing that's happened to me in

40 years and I shall never forget

tomorrow night as long as I

live oh I'm sorry um what were you

saying nothing it doesn't

[Music]

matter so you're taking Dame Gladis then

I don't know what I'm doing I hadn't the

heart to tell her at the moment I'm

taking gladice and

Anna ah Mr Brown have you decided yet

who you're taking to the DS tomorrow

night not exactly but that's good

because Dr Wilson has just telephoned

he's unable to come I'm sorry I don't

understand well he was to have been my

partner now you can have that honor Mr

Brown congratulations son you just got

your

[Applause]

[Music]

actric liy Lil and Gish don't you

be

go you like seed very seductive a borrow

from

Danielle good evening Sydney how do you

do do get up when Mr Brown arrives I

wish to see him I'll tell

him you're done up like a dog's dinner

they're all here the three of them I've

seen them they've arrived I wouldn't

like to be in your shoes when they find

out yes well with a bit of luck they

won't find out all right what's all this

youor we

see

enter Mr Brown whatever have you done oh

it's nothing really just a slight

accident to compound fracture well you

can't possibly go to the dance like that

oh I couldn't let you down no no no no

no I insist I insist I wouldn't consider

it oh well if you feel like that fine

certainly I do oh that's that's very

kind of

[Music]

you she didn't fall for did she

absolutely Mr

BR Brown a compound fracture I think you

said yes but it seems more like a

movable fracture to me a moment ago it

was in the other leg

oh how do you like what's the matter

why are you dressed like that Miss

Schmid Mr Brown is taking me to the

dance oh no he's not he's taking me Mr

Brown look um calm down everybody I'm

sure there's a perfectly Simple Solution

which will keep everybody's honor

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

satisfied

[Music]

thank you very much Anna you're welcome

and now take your partners for the gay

Gordon oh that's mine I think Mr Bown

and when you come to the Val it's mine

but come along Mr

Brown and

[Music]

smile

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

p

[Applause]

w

[Music]

do

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

enter

enter did you say enter did you ever

think of getting a hearing aid Sydney

big pdon oh never mind I brought the

stock room key back thank you don't

forget it's the school concert this week

H the school concert oh I'll get the all

ready good I wonder what Mr Brown's

class is going to do has he mentioned

anything to you oh not a Dicky bird no

no as a matter of I don't think any of

them want to do anything well that's

nonsense every class is expected to put

on some sort of show better tell Mr

Brown to come and see me a tea break

pardon tea break oh is it oh I can do

with c see right now uh pay attention

everyone uh as you may recall when last

we met I gave you each for your homework

a different task to do over the weekend

hope you've all done them

yes good well I want you each in turn to

stand up and give me a report on your

various activities all right now who'd

like to begin and we'll start at the

back shall we with you

Jamila now your homework was a visit to

the cinema H would you like to tell us

about the film you saw H it must be

about most beautiful Top Class Indian

girl who is f in love with boy from

bottom class lower class huh but girls

father is say nobody get married so they

run away but father is catch them and

chop off boys

luggies later father is be die one day

girlly see beggar man in

Street it is her sweetheart a she cry no

leggies no matter you be marry

me okay he say I be go and be make

myself look nice what with no leggies H

so he go wait she cry and run after him

and then

B big motor car hit her and kill

her it was most miserable film and I

enjoy it very

much good well done Jamila very good

Taro a

[Laughter]

your homework was a visit to London Zoo

tell us about it arrive at London zo no

no Taro no London Zoo start

again arrive at London

Zoo London Zoo there are no O's oh yes

please there are two o's in London and

two o's in

Zoo yes absolutely correct Ally but I'm

referring to the ends of the words all

right now carry on tarot but do try and

get out of the habit of ending every

other word you know I try

good went first to see

buffle buff like a big bull oh

Buffalo ter

confused yeah words that uh endino like

Buffalo or radio or vertigo you

pronounce the O but when there is no o

you don't add one understand

yes I give up all right Tero thank

you right now Ally yes please I asked

you to read one of Shakespeare's plays

were you able to do that most definitely

I'm reading about Sherlock you mean

yes please The Merchant of

Venice oh good Carry

On First of all there is a is a lady

Porter her name was pora yes please now

a man called basano is fancying this

lady Porter uh Poria but he's broken

broken what Stony broken and no

money Oh you mean broke carry on so he's

going to see his friend Antonio and

saying oh please be lending me 3,000

buckets duckets sorry please but Antonio

was also br

so he's going to the money

lending man and asking him to lend him

the money is a gree but on one

condition if in 3 months time he's not

paying him back the money then shilot

could cut off a pound of Antonio's

fleshy why is he walking a pound of

human flesh my be is one of them cannon

balls can balls oh no he's doing this

because he's not liking Antonio anyway

Antonio is in a bigger trouble he

wrecked all his chips

ships

ships and he's not being able to pay

back the money now Shiloh is wanting his

pond of flesh but lady Poria is

pretending to be a lawyer man and she's

saying agreement was for one pound of

Flesh and no drop is of blood shock has

had it how can he have had it when he is

not getting

it you damn fool you are not

understanding the queen's English I know

the queen is English you think I'm

stupid most

defin sit down thank you right thank you

Ellie very well done right now sue your

task was a visit to Pat Lane Peto Raine

very disappointing why was that not see

one

Peto ptic Coat Lane is just the name of

the place look don't you find

marketplaces interesting marketpl full

of capitalistic plers selling infil

merchandise to ignorant working classes

at infraed places chairman ma he always

chairman mous say thank you suie well

done like rang your task was a visit to

Highgate cemetery and I am finding it

very interesting good well tell us all

about it firstly I'm seeing the burying

place of KL Marx ah yes the father of

Communism but I'm not understanding

which one he was I'm sorry sorry I don't

understand was he Chico or

grou car Marx was not one of the Mark's

Brothers thousand apologies what else

did you see I'm seeing many beautiful

gravy Stones grave stones that is

correct and some of them have written on

them beautiful words I'm writing one

down you are gone my dearest wife still

I feel no pain for I know at Heaven's

Gate we will meet

again what's the matter Giovani I can't

help it Professor is so sad that poor

husband he must have loved his wife very

much please don't be upsetting yourself

the husband is being very happy how do

you know he's dying the year after oh

thank goodness I'm so happy for

him and they are both being football

fans oh how on Earth do you know that

he's having put on his Stone United

forever Grand Jeep refers to him being

reunited with his wife in heaven

thousand other thousand apologies yes

well thank you well done good right

giovan have you recovered sufficiently

to uh tell us about your visit to

Speaker's Corner Okie

kokei

first I take the tube to Heidi Park then

for an hour nothing what do you mean

nothing nobody was there what at 10:00

on a Sunday morning that's right well

that's strange there's always people at

Speaker's Corner every weekend I ask at

a policeman why is there nobody here and

I find out why there is nobody there but

why was there nobody there I was at the

wrong

Corner Carry On You

excuse me Mr Brown uh yes Mr cley what

have you done about the concert pardon

is everybody in this school going deaf I

want to know what you have done about

the school concert concert there has

been a notice on the board for the past

two weeks you haven't read it um well I

Mr Brown has read it he was discussing

it with us before you came in again yes

yes I was good then what are you going

to do well I expect we'll all be there

master jly I hope you will all be there

but what I I want to know is what your

students contribution will be

contribution yes what little party piece

are they going to perform party wellon

Sora it's going to be a

surprise yes it's going to be a surprise

well I don't like surprises I want to be

quite sure that what they're going to do

will be acceptable so I suggest that

after tea break you and your class can

give me a preview of their intended

performance

hey we help you out pretty good huh yes

but not for very long but we still have

to think of something to do for this

concert in less than half an hour yes

all right with your brain and our

talent no

problem

to me s h to me to me to me no over here

not you me oh to you oh

make I bought you a nice cup of tea Mr

Brown oh thank you Glenn there thank you

here what are they all going to do for

the concert tonight I shatter to think

they're outside practicing now

oh would you like me to do a bit a bit

of what well singing I was in the

choir

Jalem

Jerusalem lift up your voice and

sing Turn It Up gra you curdle the milk

oh don't you be S

Chey you like my voice Mr Brown I think

it's remarkable thank you I can do your

turn if you like what you said yeah you

watch this

look

about Fe dress in style brand new TI

father's old green TI would give you

what old IR

old come on hurry up for me get in all

right Mr Brown all right finish

you want it

inside all right come along everybody

good good J what are you doing now

yes oh for the concert oh good yes good

good right come along everybody miss

courtley will be here any minute now I'm

here now Mr Brown ah good um would you

like to sit there miss courtley thank

you I do hope I'm going to enjoy this so

do I I wouldn't like to be embarrassed

in front of our distinguished guests oh

no what distinguished guests quite a few

members of the education Authority

always come to see our concerts I don't

want a repetition of what happened last

year what what what happened Mr Jarvis's

woodwork students were quite awful they

sang bardy rugby songs Out Of Tune Mr

Jarvis still hasn't found another

job how comforting right would you all

uh come out here when when when I

introduce you I act as a kind of compare

well I shall stop you if there's

anything I don't like right good evening

ladies and gentlemen stop is something

the matter this concert takes place in

the afternoon ah good afternoon ladies

and gentlemen I hope you're all sitting

comfortably stop now what was wrong with

that Mr Brown by the time you and your

class come on the audience would have

been sitting on those hard chairs for

one and a half hours I wouldn't mention

anything about Comfort if I were you ah

no right good afternoon ladies and

gentlemen the English as a foreign

language class is plowed to present a

popery of music and laughter and to

start us off we have from Hungary Zan

Zabo good evening everybody good

afternoon ah good

afternoon Hungarian magic Hungarian

[Music]

[Music]

paper

[Music]

second Hungarian magic stop you don't

want second Hungarian logic I don't

think I even want first Hungarian logic

what oh well never mind Zan that's very

good sit down yes right and now from

Italy the irrepressible Giovani

cello gra for you I'm going to do some

impersonations oh Okie cie here we

go hey you want a nice piece of salami I

got a lovely piece for you and who is

that supposed to be that's my butcher

[Laughter]

Antonio we have never heard of your

butcher maybe not but if you add is very

much like

him don't you do any impressions of any

well-known people sure I can Jimmy kagy

in a scene from the film disaster on a

The Fifth

Avenue

you dirty

rat I going to fix

you I haven't finished yet well Mr

Kagney sounds remarkably like your

butcher

well and now from France the delightful

[Applause]

Danielle thank

[Music]

[Music]

you

did you know any of the words Daniel I

do not sing the words I just dance to

the music and what is all this off

business that is when I'm taking off my

clothes we can't have that sort of thing

going on it is not going on it is coming

off not in my school but yeah well thank

you Daniel well done

jolly and now from the mysterious East

we have to sing for you you Taro

nagazumi

[Applause]

I think for you a traditional Japanese

song called

aorus

[Music]

lamento

[Music]

[Music]

why you tell me stop because it was

awful Oh I thought it had a certain

style yes

sickening sorry you know like her my

son and now from Germany will you

welcome with her animal Impressions Anna

Schmid Dunka I would like you to come

with me on a walk in the Black

Forest first we meet a farmer and his

dog woof

woof Z dog do is chasing the Sheep ba

ba and the cow's moo

moo ah here comes a man on his horse nay

neigh no no

Anna n nigh neigh no you're supposed to

make the actual sounds like

or

or I can't do that hurts my SW oh oh

thank you for trying anyway really good

well done right uh and now from China

with something peculiarly Chinese will

you welcome Miss

[Applause]

chungi chairman ma he say in the

conditions pring in China today the

contradictions among the people complies

the contradictions among the working

classes the contradiction among the

peasantry the contradiction this is

supposed to be a school concert not a

party political broadcast can't you sing

or anything I can song Revolution oh

no right and now it's time for a little

comedy from aladim and ranit

Singh there's a little yellow Idol to

the north of kandu I am saying I am

saying I am saying yes

please why is the rhinosaurus being like

an elephant why is the rhosus is like

being an elephant because neither of

them can ride a

bicycle I need to know that please be

leaving the stage there is a little

yellow idle to the north of kandu I am

saying I am saying I am

saying you are not liking us no oh what

did you expect moom and wise if you're

wanting we can be doing more common wise

I could be the fat short one with the

hairy legs and I be being the one with

the

glasses well we'll discuss it later

thank you very much very good very good

right our next student to entertain you

with a little culture is Jamila

[Applause]

raner ladies and gentlemen I am tell you

beautiful English poetries by Thomas

Gray Elijah written in country churchard

eler sorry Master

G the curfew talls theel of parting Day

Day the Lo her wi slowly or the

Le the fluff man hward plot his dear

re and leaves the world to Darkness and

to

me

incredible yeah I'll work on her

pronunciation thank you Jamilla and now

from Spain to entertain you comes F

sanes all right all right all right and

Mr Brown he tell you I am from Spain

that surprise you when I speak I have no

accent at

all in Spain one times I was going to be

the the bull fighter so one Sunday

afternoon I go to the bull fight and

they put me in the Bull

Ring The Bull comes out I look at the

bull and the bull he look at me the bull

he look at me and I look at the

bull and you know what

thing the bull was better looking than

me

hey why you know

laugh

sorry so I not become the bull fighter

because I don't kill pretty

Bulls

good you never saw me dance the flamco I

do it very good

[Laughter]

oh

[Applause]

right and uh finally to um to complete

our

contribution Greece and Sweden combine

Maximillian pep andrios and ingred

[Music]

[Applause]

spencon

okay and now my beautiful assistant and

I are going to do some uh jiggling

juggling

okay you ready up hi ready ham

[Music]

[Applause]

[Laughter]

okay home need is a little practice I

can't afford the plate

well on sit

down well Mr Brown I

think I think we can write your curse

off oh please miss Courtney the students

will be so disappointed I mean we still

have three days just give us a chance oh

well very well but remember this Mr

Brown good jobs are hard to

[Music]

find

thank you the Weight

Watchers watching myself now ladies and

gentlemen For Your Entertainment here is

Jeremy Brown and his United

[Music]

Nations

thank

[Music]

you

[Music]

[Applause]

do

[Music]

do

[Music]

do do do

[Music]

do

[Music]

hey hello s hello L hey what's all this

it's a bird G I see it's not an

elephant don't be stupid s you can't get

an elephant in a cage I think he makes

the joke

oh what sort of a bird is it then a

Cocker

three b p a Cocker three cocka Tre hey

you're one Cocker too

many it's a cockle too Oh you mean

it's a t of a parrot that's right yeah

oh what are you going to call this

parrot then hly that's

original a that is just who we want to

see oh well if it's tea on tick you're

after forget it no no no no look we just

bought the bird and we want to leave it

with you how do you want it cooking

don't want it cooking it's our new pit

oh well how was I to know people eat

anything these days look we just want

you to look after it until we finish

class okay yes all right put it behind

the counter

okay

thank you your

leadership evening Sydney hello Mr Brown

have a good weekend lousy got the

Mother-in-law staying with us ah how'd

you get on well with her then she's

never forgiven me for marrying her

daughter and I've never forgiven of her

for letting

me you know last night was only one

thing that stopped me putting my head in

the gas oven what was that we're all

electric I'll cheer up Sid remember when

you feel things can't be worse they can

only get better that's true true I

suppose she has got a pop off

sometime H good

evening Brown you're just the man I'm

wanting me yes can you help me I'll do

my best I have the big problems yeah

well I'm afraid I can't do much about

those no not that problem oh sorry

my life she's a mess up is she I mean is

it what sort of a mess up I tell you

last month I met this boy ah an affair

of the heart this boy Pierre he keeps

writing to me Pierre he's a foreigner no

he's

French to me he's a never mind go on HRI

has found the letters oh the plot

thickens I not like a jealous man Pier

no oh HRI Marcel he works with ar as a

Consul I'm sorry I'm a bit confused who

is Marcel jealous of Pierre or

em I shouldn't have

asked there's another thing he keeps

telephoning me who Pierre HRI Marcel or

J I've heard of safety and numbers but

this is ridiculous they're all after the

one thing my buddy that's all they

after well you must just try and

discourage them oh no I like

it as Monday H Tuesday Marcel Wednesdays

Emil Thursdays and on Fridays that is my

problem what is my Saturdays and Sundays

they are so

dull ah good evening Anna you're busy no

no no it just finished good I have an

grosser problem Oh not another one who

is it Hans Carl Wilhelm or

Adolf no it is my homework oh sorry your

question is asking what is correct

address for Member of Parliament yes I

do not know any members of parliament

are living now the question means how do

you address them what do you call an MP

ah I don't know that either right

honorable y they want me to write it on

the Blackboard no not w r i t e r i g HT

right right right right

right

scre you chicken go you take away what

is going

on m is him oh blimy he has gone

oranges yes please give me bananas J

good not opening this door I'm breaking

it down unlock the door oh no I'm not

unlocking the door if you want unlock it

I will I have been warning you now I'm

coming

[Applause]

in what is the meaning of this the

meaning

is some damn fool is opening the door

just as I'm charging it Mr Brown opens

the

door thousand apologies right come over

here Ally now what is all this about

that Barbarian is calling me a hariry

G is this true Ali yes please but this

Infidel is calling me the son of a crosy

camel

not I am calling him an illegitimate son

of a cross side com yeah well it's not

good

enough ah you want me to be calling him

something

worse I don't want anybody calling

anybody anything whatever your

differences are kindly leave them

outside the classroom now sit down the

pair of you come

on ah

ter

AO did you have a good

weekend spend a weekend reading booko by

Charles dickon oh which booko were you

reading of

which which book were you reading Oliver

Twist really do you understand most of

the words I understand all words what

even the old English no Old English

words in my book ah must have been a

revised Edition no no Japanese

addition I thought it was too good to be

true good happening my Master G still

knitting away oh no I am the knit

cardan yeah what I meant was that you

misunderstood what I was saying and you

are being misunderstood what I am being

knit why don't me just forget the whole

thing evening Su not good for me oh de

what's the matter I have Rost my little

lead book oh good uh I mean bad luck I

look everywhere but not find it does

this mean you won't be treating us to

any of the honorable Chairman's

quotations oh no no quotations by heart

chairman ma he say in every

CL everybody Hoss only just made it

sorry boss we had things to do that's

right we just got a fantastic bird

really does this bird have a name sure

Polly future kindly refer to her as

Polly and not as a bird OK Ki she's

going to be very good company for us at

night

us what do you mean us well we're going

to share her one night she sleeps with

me another night she sleeps with

maxi I don't think I want to hear

anymore why you not like birds well

let's just say I don't like sharing them

hey I fix something for you you give me

a fiber we go get you a bird sure what

color you

want but what color is yours mostly red

with the blue neck and a green

breast ah the penni's dropped

where hlly is a parrot well that's right

what do you think she is an

elephant doesn't matter sit down what

about the penny ignore the penny when F

you're late never mind poor favore you

should have been here 5 minutes ago why

what

happened

stio thank you Sor right why you like H

I tell you my boss where I work he tell

me about a horse who's going to win the

big race tomorrow very clever horse

talking horse when horses don't talk she

he told me he get the tip straight from

the horse's

mouth that's just a racing term all

right then he tell me to put my shet on

horse you didn't nah oh thank goodness

for that my wouldn't fit the

horse

I bet 101 to win on the horse and10 is a

lot of money you could lose no lose

tomorrow I'll be plenty Rich M look

there's no such thing as a certainty

sheor my horse is sure to win how do you

know you see I tell you big race starts

2:00 all right yes book a maker he tell

me my horse starts at 10

to1

those are the odds your horse will start

at 2:00 just like all the rest he tried

to cheat me I go punch his face you do

no such thing sit down it's time we all

started work now just take the register

to miss Courtney and then we'll have a

look at your homework

right this CAU me I brought the register

two absentees tonight ingred and Zan hey

well I've had a letter from your

Hungarian student oh has he gone sick no

he's gone back to hungry oh

enter Excuse Me Miss courney yes what

you

want I'm Sheikh Al hammed and I'm

interested in your English classes oh

well you don't mind me saying so your

English is fairly good thank you it is

comforting to know that my years at

Oxford were not

wasted

however I would like my personal

chauffer to join your class I'm afraid

that is quite impossible it is midterm

and students are not permitted to join

halfway through a course rules are rules

I'm sure you could make an exception for

a little donation of uh uh

£2,000 this isn't the dester hotel you

know this is an educational

establishment you can't expect us to

bend the rules just cuz you plunk to

Grand on the table can he miss Courtney

well of course he

can where is your sha now

outside will you come in

now he's white people usually are from

Glasgow you Scots but of course why do

you want us to teach him English because

I can't understand a word of what he

says right John I know mean that I don't

understand

how saying

[Music]

[Applause]

JY

hello can I help you no don't SM just

got hang here burner

10 sorry M but I think the whole idea is

ridiculous I am supposed to teach

English to foreign students he sounds

like a foreign student look wouldn't it

be far simpler for you to just get

another chauffeur no I I couldn't do

that you see Jock's father gave his life

defending my father during the War I

feel I owe him a living yeah well in

that case why don't you make him very

happy and give him a job in your hor

room or something don't be stupid Mr

Brown oh I wonder if you'd mind waiting

outside for a moment while Mr Brown and

I discuss this matter privately not at

all the door Mr

Brown

now listen to me Mr Brown you are a

teacher of English and it is your job to

teach English no matter who or what your

students may happen to be don't

interrupt now remember that the Arabs

are extremely wealthy who knows what

other benefits they may bestow upon us

only the other day I was reading in the

paper about an Arab who was so pleased

with the service at his hotel that he

presented the manager with a rollsroyce

well we are not running a hotel Miss

Courtney money isn't a be all and then

Rolls-Royce yes well I suppose I could

give it a try good look upon it as a

challenge I'll do my

best I wonder if you would care to join

me in a cup of tea in the office and

then later on I'll show you around the

school how very kind of

you

oh what am i d go away you want hang

about here or what i' like you to hang

about I'm going to try and teach you to

speak English oh don't it's a little up

she me no B well I'm not exactly jumping

for joy

myself Tower of bab can't you think of

anything better to do than chatter to

each other sure hey we go for a cup of

tea that's a good idea Don't Do No Such

Thing sit down be quiet and pay

attention right you'd better sit next to

an okay how's it

gone what is your name HH Hector dug

Donald Stewart

McGregor well I'll put you down as Jun

oh like J well as you can see we have a

new student is they all very lucky for

help me as one of you you know what I

mean or as you see yourself oh I new and

all that haish bashing

nons don't blind me what language is he

speaking I believe it or not it's

English a he's right off you know he's

right off if that is English what

language is it that we are learning Mr

McGregor is speaking in dialect I

thought you said he was speaking

English was English but with a dialect

hey I know all about them

dialects you do sure I seen them on

television Doctor Who and the

dialects no that's dialect ah Okie

kie a dialect is a form of speech

peculiar to certain areas tell them

where your frog I am a

jock what is jock oh Master G please I

am be know what is jock good would you

like to tell us all a jck is be a funny

story

J Miller that's a joke Mr McGregor is

from Scotland which is part of Great

Britain Great Britain is comprised of

England Ireland Scotland and Wales

no what do you mean no not Wales in

England whales in the

sea talking about Wales the country at

the end of the M4 ah sorry wrong

number I'm not quite sure what to do

with you for the moment oh well it's you

s say in that case I'll just gang away

not gang going anywhere just sit down

for a start you can concentrate on your

addiction well I don't don't what you

saying well for example repeat after me

the fat black cat sat on the mat the fat

black cat sat on

M no no no no let's take each word

separately all right the the fat the no

not fat fat fat black black cat cat

sat m

m good now try the whole thing if i'

like I shine them

[Music]

up well you better just sit there and

listen while I get on with the rest of

the lesson all right they ever P

yourselves son you're all

right what are you doing I'm the dram oh

you f you touch a Stag's breath yourself

why certainly not and I don't allow

drinking in the classroom oh see we'll

help your to smoke if you feel like no

drinking and no smoking God it's worse

than being in a Kirk that's right right

now if you recall I asked you each to

write a brief essay on your various

beliefs I hope we all done so Su would

you like to read us out your essay what

I believe firstly I not believe in liion

excuse me suly the subject was what you

believe not what you don't believe

firstly it is necessary to make platform

on which intellectual thought can stand

when building house it is necessary to

make firm foundations excuse me please

I'm not understanding something yes Alie

what is it you're not understanding I'm

not understanding a word of what she's

talking

about I quite agree Al suly does rather

tend to be dialectically verbose oh blim

me now I'm not understanding what you

are

saying point taken uh right sit down

Ellie thank you carry on Su and this

time stick to the

point I bre everyone is equal in eyes of

State I breath in ch Ma I believe in

dictatorship of plal and Su of capital

ah

rubbish rubbish Western World collap and

evil ah we hav pading your py

Feld that iort you to L shut your

G time to keep your remarks to yourself

excuse

please not polite to insult lady please

apologize get

naughty put up your

fist H yeah okay har K if it's a fight

you want you'll get one you

ready

honorable must be satisfied all yeah

well you can satisfy it after class sit

down

T and as for you I'd be obliged if you

would keep

quiet thank you suly I'll read your

essay later um Juan would you like to

read us your essay

s what I believe by

juvant

so F so

good yes come on get on with it all

right right I believe in one God and I

believe in Jesus Christ

Spirit now Jesus Christ

Spirit was the first Roman Catholic Oh

what are you on about your big chanter

ass left

for fa he is Jewish for jock is trying

to make the point that Christ was Jewish

no he was a Roman Catholic no it wasn't

it was a Jewish I punched you in your

head I kicking you up at the back side

and I kick you out the front

side and be leaving something for me

also okay

who go sit down as for you if I have any

more interruptions from you out you go

all right all right not a

word

good I go I no ju your beliefs are just

as controversial as Su doesn't me sit

down there yeah come

on we'll try you

ranit I am believing that all men are

being born equal oh

no J I have warned you oh come on Jimmy

I can't be expected to sit here and

listen to Charlie chapati claiming his

face

nothing he's calling you Charlie

chapati oh well the same goes for you

take away

Tommy I give you a bunch of

f all go to

T and as for you you can just go

to just

go where is everybody going we do it

quietly Miss Courtney I'm sorry I'm

afraid I can't do it can't do what put

up with our Scottish friend he's a he's

a disruptive influence on the rest of

the class Mr Brown I am afraid that you

must I have invited the shake to meet

the Board of Governors he has promised

to give us a new school hall I don't

care if he's promised to give you the

Albert Hall forgive me I couldn't help

overhearing is there some sort of

problem no yes I'm afraid I cannot put

up any longer with this chauffer of

yours he's rude self-opinionated and

extremely unpleasant and you can keep

your

rollsroyce an extraordinary man hey you

better wait in the car okay GA just hang

about inside the motor now eh

right that is a Pity I was quite looking

forward to meeting your Board of

Governors and so you shall but now that

sir Iran have changed well circumstances

may have changed but the object of the

exercise Remains the Same now forgive me

if I'm wrong but uh as far as I

understand it you wish to be able to

converse with your Scottish

chaffa yes but I fail to see how that

can be achieved now well every problem

has its solution and that is he does as

I tell him or he gets the

suck that's question not the answer

come everybody

quickly I shall be taking you for the

rest of the lesson and I won't stand for

any nonsense what has happened to Mr

Brown Mr Brown is in my office doing

some private tuition repeat after me

it's shab bra brick Moon lick Nick the

Nick brick Moon Nick the Nick very good

[Applause]

try

[Music]

do do do

[Music]

thank

you

hello gladies tea no sugar tea no milk

oh and how about you do you want your

tea without milk or without sugar

without tea for me

c you're in early tonight yeah we come

early to do the homework every class

time we are getting it wrong so we make

a plan to meet here and do it all

together PL smart

HH here we are

I hope we are not being late no we just

got here ourselves you want a te oh

thank you very much not M apologies much

better do the homework first before Mr

brogno arrives that's a good idea okay

first question give a single noun to

replace the following phrase a person

who has reached the AG of

100 anybody any ideas sure very old man

that's not right she 100 year old very

old man now we want a one word for

someone who's at a 100 oh blimy I'm

knowing that faruko what is faruko my

uncle he's being a 100 years old that is

not being the answer you tendu tweet

right Punjabi PR you tell us the answer

Centurion well that sounds okay to me

OK everybody put down

soran next question

right give the past tense and the past

participle of the following verbs cling

clun that's right

Clank but that's the past tense now we

want the past possible cling clang

clang I me Mr Brown will be surprised

when he find out how clever we are next

question past tense and past participle

of the word fly

flu no no not a flu

fly that's better fly we want One More

We Get Fly flyed

F okay hey we must do the homework like

this every time huh and the next

question give hoosite in meaning to

following nouns

disappointment that

appointment with due

respect opposite of disappointment is

Joy OK Tokyo can I have some milk please

gladies hey Danielle what you got in the

pr a bag of the

potatoes no potato

Bambino hello Bambino

hey he speak to

me nice little boy how are you knowing

he's a little boy easy he's got what

every little boy has blue

clothes here is it yours no it belongs

to the family I work as aair they had to

go out tonight so I thought i' bring him

here to the lessons oh you can't do that

why not well it's against regulations oh

miss Courtney would never allow it are

you sure I'm positive but what am I

going to do I don't want to miss my

classes well I'll tell you what I'll do

you can leave him here behind my counter

and collect him when you go home thank

you Gladis oh don't mention

it see you later

[Music]

boys holy

ravioli what I'm thinking now I could be

excommunicated I was excommunicated 5

minutes

ago you a collective noun to describe a

group of footballers uh Real Madrid oh

that is no good answer the correct

answer is a team hey that's right

team who said that I

did

whoopsy hey how long youve been here

long enough look homework means work you

do at home individually not here

collectively as you obviously cannot be

trusted you'll all stay behind after

class and do your homework then come

along

the now then what about a nice smile

here aune glad oh you know you're a

lovely

fell I say glad is going to tickle you

tmy here give us a nice kiss

[Music]

oh hello SED glish look what you do is

your own Affair but I shouldn't let Miss

Courtney catch you at it oh what do you

mean I heard you oh I'm doing it as a

favor here want to title his

tummy his tummy he likes it

look it's a SAU lid little Lipper it's

Danielle's I'm looking after it for us

night he a lovely little

fell how are you then goody guci

guci good he bit me on everybody faes

please quickly as possible thank you one

right now that we've lost Zan and

England I suggest we fill up these empty

places Jamila would you like to come

back to the

front no must G I am very happy to be

sit at

backside

Taro Japanese philosopher say a personal

who's in front L more likely to get shot

at

assho Ali and suie why don't you come

out here then all right jelly good right

now tonight by way of a change we are

going to do a cross word and do you all

know what a cross word is well I shall

ask you each of clue and hope that I get

some correct answers we'll start with

you one one across the feminine of

horse feminine of horse you've heard of

the word horse ah she

so no that's horse ah Sor right come

along the feminine of horse H lady

horse now anybody know yeah feminine of

horse men

well done squeeze me please yes Al I am

thinking May is not feminine yes it is

oh no mayor of London is most definitely

masculine that is a different sort of

Mayor that's m a y r

jelly R three across not down I am

knowing it is not down because you are

saying it's a

cross knock down is the clue thousand

apologies well what is the answer no

what is not the

answer thank

you right Giovani six across a

punctuation mark used to indicate

antithesis or

quotation ask me

another come along think I'll give you

another clue it's not a comma but it

begins with a

c question

mark it be

ridiculous anybody

no colon good colon o l

o right Ali seven across a word used to

describe a set of four musicians

Beatles no no not a group although the

Beatles were one of these oh blame

me I think if you have a cake and you

cut it into four you then have four

pieces yeah but what is each piece

called a

slice

water jelly

good now what do we call Four musicians

uh

anybody quartet good quartet well done

r t

e right uh suly at across to tell an

untruth to spad decadent Western

propaganda about po repu of

China well the correct answer is Li same

thing that's a matter of opinion l i e

right um Jamila one down the plural of

mouse um

mouses oh no Jam think look look at the

board it's m blank c blank any

idea no master G I am also be

blank

mice ah

Mickey Mickey H Mickey

Mouses

mice sorry MH right uh Taro

a to down to consign or dismiss to an

inferior position do you know the answer

not known

question look if a football team finish

at the bottom of the league then it

means that they

are very bad

team they get relegated so the answer to

two down is Rel air gate right um max

yes

BOS pour down the opposite of wealth

skint no broke no if you are very poor

what state are you in

Desperate Mr Brown can I speak to

Danielle outside yes if you must it's

very

[Music]

personal what's the matter the baby's

done a

bunk is that the same as doing a

p no he's gone gone yes Glades went into

the ladies when you come out there he

was gone that is impossible well if you

don't believe it come and have a look

for yourself but if he's not there where

can he be I haven't got the Fest idea

[Applause]

got

right now can anybody tell me the rule

about i and e

Jamila I before E accepting after C very

good one

one you are not paying attention see

plenty

attention all right what did I just say

you say ju you're not paying

attention I uh just before that one H

before that uh you're right I know pay

atten we were discussing i before e

except after C ah all

right spell

receipt you heard spell receipt h r e

c uh i before e

except

c

e i t

oh come on think you've missed something

out what comes before tea uh

breakfast I am not Aus you're not here

to make jokes for ah sorry amigo PT

sorry Max what always follows a

Quee people who are

queuing the letter queue

R A sure L MN o p q

r we're discussing spelling not the

alphabet if a word begins with Q what is

the next letter I don't know BOS you me

what Q you only you can follow a

q

okay m v would you come to my office for

a moment but no yes it is most important

ah well uh carry on studying chapter 10

on spelling I sh be

long is it um is it something I've done

I sincerely hope

not take a look at that it's a brown oh

well done Mr

Brown what do you normally associate

with

prams babies exactly good Lord you're

not are

you not what expecting oh don't be

ridiculous what was that I looking a

PR it's a baby well it's certainly not a

spaniel now you mustn't worry Miss

Courtney I beg your pardon these things

happen even in the best families there

is no shame these days in being an

unmarried

man oh you silly little man it's not

mine I found it in the canteen I have

spoken to gladus but she denies all

knowledge of it the poor little might

has obviously been

abandoned oh how a kenian I can only

assume that one of the students from

this school has deliberately abandoned

that baby on our doorstep I thought you

said it was in the canteen well that's

just a figure of speech Mr Brown now I

shall ask all the teachers to question

their respective classes in an effort to

discover the guilty party okay I'll go

and question M oh no you won't you will

stay here and look after the baby while

I inform the rest of the

[Music]

staff don't cry don't

[Music]

cry come on come over here and uh look

at all the

trees see all the birdies

chirping there is

that there we are Rock by bab on

the when

wind when the bow breaks the cradle will

fall and down will come baby

[Music]

cradle what did you think of that

l

St there I'll go and get you a chocolate

B what am I going to do not to worry we

find him for you we search at the school

s and glad as they have looked

everywhere maybe he's being

babynapped you must been mean kidnapped

yes please Mr and Mrs Barkley they are

going to kill me how am I going to tell

them I've lost their baby why not write

them a letter

I got idea if somebody stole Daniel's

baby why not we go outsite and steal

someone else's baby don't be so stupid

Max on I'll settle down and study your

books and why are you crying oh miss

Courtney I've done something very bad

what you do outside is no concern of

mine I see something in the school

where's my baby

baby oh so it's yours is it you know

about it I found it thank heavens I must

go to him now just a moment come here I

want a word with

you now I know that we live in a

permissive society and these things are

not

uncommon but you must think of the baby

or don't you love him a little I love

him very much good do you know who the

father is yes well then have you never

considered marrying him I can I he's

only months

old not the baby the father I don't

think his wife will be very

happy he's a married man yes well that's

typical they don't care who they get

into trouble it wasn't his fault it was

his wife's

idea Heavens how awful do your parents

know the situation you're in yes but

surely they don't approve certainly next

year here my sister is coming to England

to do the

same

extraordinary oh no many French girls

wants to be opars opair yes this baby it

belongs to the family you work for

that's right thank heaven for

that doesn't matter I promise I won't

bring him into school again well see

that you don't can I bring him into his

class no he can stay where he is he's in

very good hands

oh there you

are

oh thank goodness well what a shake come

on a glad yes come on then oh we go to a

glad yes my darling we going and get a

little drink of milkies come on then

there

drink you feel

better well at least just stop crying

perhaps he's dozed

off here we are then here's a chalky

bigy for you he's gone perhaps he's

nipped out for a

walk he too young to walk he can just

about crawl but he's got to be here

somewhere where I don't

know

oh my God the window is open what about

it it could have crawled out could it of

course it couldn't could it they crawled

anywhere I was the biggest crawling in

our

street yeah I can believe that well I'm

too frightened to

look it's not

there she's cing on me Edge and gone

right the way around you better call

around and have a look no not me I I

can't stand it I got Cobia vertigo yeah

I've got that in my shoulder as

well I'll give you a

bank I'm going to see to me boiler but

aren't you staying here no no I can't

stand the sight of

blood

what

what are you doing with that baby well I

took it for a drink of milk is well wait

here a minute very

well

now take this baby back to the canteen

and keep it there I never want to see it

again oh very

well oh my baby is he all right yes I'll

take him to the classroom oh no Miss

Courtney said I have to keep him in the

canteen oh no I not take the chance of

losing him again well please just

s he didn't it end yeah who did what Mr

Brown he saved the baby off the window

Edge what are you talking about the

baby's never been on the window Edge no

no Mr Brown

[Applause]

is

very fitty baby yeah I would love to

have a baby like that you come out with

me

tonight hey there's professori Glam is

out of his mind Mr Brown please come

in just about how's the baby oh he's

okay oh thank goodness for that would

you hold him for me for moment well I

don't think I can really no while I fix

his blanket oh well hurry up Mr br

what is that baby doing in the classroom

wait I give it three

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

guesses

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

ch

[Music]

do do

[Music]

good evening Mr

santes in the first place Mr santes I am

not not a Senora senorita and in the

second place I would be much obliged if

you would speak English in this school s

right and another thing Mr chantes there

is no such word in the English language

as

site the correct terminology is it is

all right or it's all right or even just

all right do you understand s

right I give

up whatever is the matter I'm going to

be sick I'm not here I hope my stomach

she's downside up for him sake why don't

you go and see a doctor I am going

tonight after

lessons hey amigo would you like a cigar

no no thank you you are not yourself

tonight of course he is himself who else

could he

be trly means something is wrong she's

right what is it one I am going to be

Seck

holy

ravioli you change your religion hey the

Pop's not going to like

that I am welcoming you like a brother

but first you must be wearing the turb

now what's the matter you all crazy I am

sick in my

stomach I am going to see if I have

fever in Japan yes we take temperature

from different place we not put

therometer in mouth I am no not to want

to know where you be put

thermometer put

and good

evening come on in your places everybody

thank

you oh something the matter

one what he's a say he's not feeling

very well oh really what's

wrong sorry what did you say he just say

stop asking the stupid questions he's

got a thermometer in his mouth

have you got a

temperature

moment

Santa what is it I am

dead that would be ridiculous she I have

no temperature you're looking at the

wrong end ah all right what is it

98.4 I am dying that's normal he

maybe that the moment it's not working

yes see te is and up to now it's the

only thing that's working in this

classroom now sit down you me

I now you have all failed your lower

Cambridge certificate examination once

and I don't want a repetition of that at

the end of this term so tonight I'm

going to ask each of you to pick one of

the 10 subjects I have written on the

Blackboard and then I shall ask you

questions on them very straightforward

music British history the royal family

poetry Shakespeare Etc all right now who

is going to start the ball running we

are not having having a ball to be

rolling

anywhere all right Ali just for that you

can start now which subject do you pick

oh

blimy television Television right who is

known as the father of Television Aon

Andrew ly be oh blim me I'm seeing him

last night with his little friend boo

boo that's Yogi Bear I'm talking about

Loi bear the man who invented television

sorry please how much is a television

license I'm not knowing I never buy

one I hope you realize you can get into

serious trouble for not having a license

please tell me something the money for

licenses for BBC yes yes then I'm Jolly

okay I only watch

ITV it doesn't work that way Alie you

still need a license now Anna which

subject would you like the royal family

the royal family right who is the Prince

of Wales Harry

seeum Prince Charles yeah which recent

King of England was never crowned edford

triner good Max pick a

subject uh British politics British

politics

right what where does the term gladston

bag come from Mrs

gladston gladston bag is the name given

to a bag made Popular by one of our

Prime Ministers William art gladston

Sorry boss I'll ask you another what

function does the mace have in the House

of

Commons uh they have the mace yes uh to

eat the

cheese that's mice maybe I pick another

subject maybe you just sit

down okay Daniel let's see which subject

you prefer I prefer the subject of

love yes I'm sure you do but that is not

written on the board so would you please

pick one that is written down okay

Shakespeare Shakespeare right who was

Shakespeare's wife Mrs

Shakespeare very clever but what was her

maiden name hi you not know and

hathway can you name three of plays

Shakespeare wrote Romeo Juliet good as

you like it one more I do not know

anymore but I'll give you a clue King

Kong

Leah

tarot which subject do you

choose poetry poetry right who wrote

upon Westminster

Bridge not no but uh seems funny play to

write it's a poem by Wordsworth I'll ask

you another who wrote to a field

mouse sounds like a man who is crazy in

ha written by Robert Burns over 200

years

ago Jamila pick a subject the Bible the

Bible right who was Samson Victor

[Laughter]

Mature I beg your pardon he was being in

Telly last week in film well never mind

the film who was he

historically ah AA he was man who was be

very strong one night he is be fancy a

bit of Hanky Panky with woman Del so

he's be hanky panking and she's be ask

him how he is be very strong and he is

be tell her it is in his long hair so

one night when he is be fast asleep she

is be give him shorty back and sides and

when he is

Wake he is be take prisoner and blinded

but when his hair is being grow long

again he is be pull down palace is that

the authorized version it is what I'm be

see on Del thank you J giovan see

Professor would you pick a subject

please H music right music give me

something from The Pirates of

Penzance I never heard of

them are they a punk or a rock

group Pirates of Penzance is one of the

seavoy operas by Gilbert and solivan oh

I really like

him Gilbert salivan

I'm talking about gilbertt and Sullivan

okay anym yes what can you tell me about

handle's

lgo not much I never drink the

stuff

I your lack of general knowledge is no

laughing matter ranet it's your turn

pick a subject the British

isless

I right what is the capital of England

E I rephrase

that what is the capital city of England

London correct can you name three

English

counties oh dear me I am not knowing any

English counties not one no the only

count I am knowing is the county of

Monte

Christo that's count thousand apologies

right thank you suly your subject please

only two left British history right who

was known as the black prince Muhammad

Ari why Edward the son of Edward III

very sorry but who invented the cotton

spinning machine F Hoy

Fang wrong Sir Richard AR right you're

lard act like copy invention from ho

Fang does it all Western imper steel

invention from Chinese scientists China

first to invent telephone television

radio refrigerators and discover penisin

radium and lots of other things rubbish

no China not invent

rubbish some of them just talk it one

see I pick subject yeah well there

there's only one left it's hob son's

choice not hopson's Choice British

custom well that's what I meant do you

know anything about British custom

plenty plenty oh good first you have

green or red green or red what British

custom do you have something to declare

you go on the red nothing to declare

green no one see I know no the question

is not about those sort of Customs it

means the things that we British do that

are peculiar to are ah speak

English a little more than that one look

I'll give you an example November the

5th guy Forks day is something we

celebrate only in Britain ah anymore yes

afternoon tea Cricket the boat race good

good anymore Boba job we Chelsea FL look

I'm supposed to be asking you the

so I terrible pain in my stomach right

suie would you nip down I'm sorry would

you run along and ask Mrs Foster to come

and have a look at

one yeah we lie on the table it might

come on oh blamy he's not looking very

well dying non don't be so pessimistic

Professor is right you're going to be

Okie

cie where is oh Mrs Foster where does it

hurt stomach

stomach to get him to the hospital I

think that this man has appendicitis are

you sure Mr Brown I was a senior sister

for several years if this man is not

attended to very quickly it could prove

[Music]

fatal any sign of Mr Brown yet Sydney he

pardon Mr Brown oh Mr Brown oh no he's

not back yet this is most inconvenient I

don't know why he had to go to the

hospital with Mr svanes well somebody

had to go with him

[Music]

come back don't tell me they've taken

your appendix out already no half

operation not necessary oh so you didn't

have appendicitis after all no pain was

costed by abundante Tor that sounds

serious what is it too much

eating and where is Mr Brown he know

come back what do you mean he know come

back uh when we leave a hospital we come

down the step and Mr Brown he missed

just one step and he break his

leg how could he possibly break his leg

if he only missed one step stepped he

miss TOP

[Laughter]

[Applause]

Step

there you are nurse how's everything

going very well sister good did you

remember to give Mr Parker his blanket

bath I gave them all a blanket bath all

have I done something wrong blanket

baths are for those patients who cannot

bath themselves they all seem to enjoy

it especially Mr

Brown was lovely I'm sure it was as you

think you set him back at at least a

couple of weeks I was only doing my best

well in future kindly remember that you

are a student Nur not a gisha girl sorry

sister oh by the way Mr Jones is back

from surgery we have three Mr Jones in

this Ward what is his initial uh Jones

double good I'll go and have a look at

him is there anything you

fancy yeah but I don't think sister

would approve oh cheeky

do you want a bottle oh I couldn't have

a light ale could I not that a bottle ah

no thanks not until I've had the light

ale anyway you're not getting it I know

but it's worth a

try oh do do you know when I'll be

discharged probably tomorrow oh thank

goodness for that I can't wait to get

back to my students shatter to think

what they're doing without

me come long set up

now I intend to find out how you're

coming along with your English we are

learning very much the well English

that's right I speak the English so good

nobody knows that I'm Italian I find

that very hard to believe you see even

you don't

know now I am going to ask you some

general questions on everyday topics

first of all can anyone tell me what the

first day of the week is

sunny day no it is not sunny day rainy

day

Sunday repeat it please it

please repeat the word

Sunday

Sunday Mr Nadim name me two seasons uh

salt and

pepper those are seasoning

Now give me the names of two of the

seasons of the year or D me

anybody spring time spring time spring

time now Mr what comes after Springtime

holiday

time summer time jelly good Mr

santes what do the letters AC

mean what does AC mean uh four AC has

nothing to do with four

sure AC AC

AC AC means alternating current

ah Mr Pap andrias yes Miss courney I

don't suppose you can give me the name

of any other sort of current sure blood

current I am talking about electricity

AC is alternating current DC is direct

current

okay Mr nag

awesome what would it signify if I said

you were a dog in the manger what SIM

you're crazy in

head than

your I am meno not

dogle you are also rather stupid

mishet yeah you are on a train going to

Glasgow why am I going to Glasgow

doesn't matter why you want to sleep on

the train what would you ask for a

bed you would have a birth in the

sleeping car

nine how can I have a birth when I'm not

pregnant are you serious yeah I save

myself for when I meet Mr

Right for your information Miss Schmidt

a birth b e r t h is the name given to a

bed on a ship or a train in you must

think I'm very

stupid that is the most sensible remark

I have heard in this classroom so

farne where is St Paul's St Paul's

what called

Cathedral I do not know no is somewhere

in London I think it is near lit circus

have you ever been to LIT circus no but

I have been to be smart

circus you absolutely hopeless doesn't

anybody know anything yes please I am

knowing lots of things are you

absolutely do you know what a Philistine

is most certainly it is medicine that is

fortifying the over

40s it is nothing of the sort was an

apologies you are all

Philistines oh no I Pakistan

I'm go to

[Music]

tea hey joanni you get me a cup of tea

and I go on phone hospital to see how is

Mr BR okay Co all

right

[Music]

men's Orthopedic W sister

King hello hello uh would you please

tell me how is Mr

Brown Mr

Brown could I have the Christian name

please sure

Juan Juan is he Spanish no no no no no I

am

Spanish see one is Spanish for John

isn't

itora will you hold on a moment

please brown

john are you a relative no no just a

friend well I'm afraid I have some

rather bad news for you you mean Mr

Brown is

worst he had a heart attack during the

[Laughter]

night you mean Mr Brown is

[Laughter]

[Music]

dead good morning

Sydney good morning M courney it's very

sad about Mr Brown isn't it tell

I thought you might have gone to the

funeral this morning no I've got far too

upset I know what you mean it's so

tragic taken so young it's

[Laughter]

terrible good morning s morning Mr

Brown

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Laughter]

what is going on what are you doing

you're dead really nobody told me about

it it did you is it it you of course

it's

me what's his name the Spanish fell he

found up the hospital and they said you

was brown bread brown bread d

well I can assure you I am very much

alive then whose funeral have the

students gone

to Brown is trying to get

through I heard it as

well hey it's the

bus you living yes praise be to Allah

ter GL you're not dead than are

you master who is be man and Cofe well I

expect it's another Mr Brown we must be

making big celebration yeah why we not

go to the pub light H I'll second that

hey I push you hey no I push a professor

I you I push you and I'll

[Applause]

P my got worry I can't

stop

[Applause]

[Applause]

when I start this go away you don't mean

that you want to bed he we bring you

some flowers oh one you shouldn't have

spent money on flowers for me I not

spent money we already bought it for

your

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

funeral

[Music]

do do

[Music]

OK everybody our troubles are over you

are

immigrating excuse me if I not the laugh

we are going to make everybody Rich hey

I am like very much to be rich this time

next week we could have half a million

pounds we up

bu no we been on the football pools are

you never win on them sure we have a

good system all we got to do is pick 11

matches that gives us 220 lines we we

bound to get one line right all right

how much need each we pay 20 piece each

okay I pay now pick of the match you

think it's going to be a scoring draw

okay ch ch a

Derby V Queen Park Derby Queen's Park

Okie CI next to customer please please

okay pick the

match Arsenal no

no

willio OK

CIO who's

next my money okay pick it the

match hard po V Port Valley okay go okay

and the next one yes

please my scoring match being Liverpool

V the city of

Bristols the city of the Bristols okay

who's the next what's going on here we

are doing the football pudles you want

to join in profor only 20p you could win

a half a million I could also lose 20p

what's it a 20p well it may not mean

much to you but it does to me I don't to

earn a fortune teaching English why not

you are for a

lifter more Mone you mean a rise a

forget the 20 piece we give you the free

line now just pick of the match yeah

we're supposing we pick of the match

later all right right now we've got work

to do now come on in your settle down

right now tonight we are going to

concentrate on the art of conversation

all right we start with you Ali and Anna

do you come out here please now you have

never met before and you are sitting on

a park bench

when Along Comes Ellie and sits next to

you and starts a conversation all right

carry

on good morning

lady come along Anna say something I

never speak to strange men in Z

par very commendable but let us assume

that this time you do start again good

morning lady good morning it is being a

very nice day

yeah and no this is supposed to be a

conversation in English up to now you've

said Good Morgan and Y would you try and

speak in English please start again AL

good morning lady good morning who blame

me it is being a very nice day yes it is

nice weather yes it was also very nice

weather

yesterday yes perhaps it will also be

nice weather

tomorrow yes or perhaps it could be

raining yes perhaps it could be raining

yeah all right that'll do thank you both

of you absolutely

scintillating right

ju would you come out please now you are

sitting in a

restaurant Spanish restaurant

yes when Su

enters what is a Chinese girl doing in a

Spanish

restaurant she likees Spanish food ah

it's all right right the restaurant is

crowded but there's an empty seat at

one's table all

right why what are you doing hey I was

sliming on the table yep carry

on excuse please this seat taken no you

see you see thank you allow me to

introduce myself jungu my name is Carlos

Juan what do you mean

Carlos I never give my right name when I

you're not supposed to be picking her up

just having a

conversation uh you want a drink I don't

drink bad forever uh cigarette I don't

smoke bad for

rangs I bet you're not married there you

are very

L what's the matter with you I just make

a joke what you want to talk about we

could discuss whether dictatorship of

plal T better than dictatorship of B

capist we can't do

that why not because I don't understand

what you're talking

about suly does every conversation have

to be a political rally chairman Mai say

we must CL use every opportunity to

splend socialist doct amongst un righten

people I'd be grateful if you would keep

chairman ma out of the classroom all

right thank you both of you right now um

Max and

Danielle would you come out please right

now let us assume that you are at a

party and you've just been introduced to

Danielle now use your imagination and uh

make a

conversation hello

beautiful hello

gorgeous hey at this party not very good

eh and why not we go uh somewhere else

d let's go back to my place

okay was a short

conversation Mr Brown there's an old

geese that wants to see you he's sitting

in the Cante what does he want I don't

know but he said he's very urgent oh

very well while I'm away you can do some

exercises hey I know plenty exercise at

1 3 4 6 7 9 10 24 not those sort of

exercises exercises from your books page

120 sorry wrong

number would you like another cup of tea

Mr um English no thank you oh oh you

know you do remind me of my husband

really yeah just before he

died ah Mr Brownstone Brown uh Mr Brown

yes I'm English oh

congratulations no my name is English oh

sorry can we sit down well I'm rather

busy I won't keep you a moment after all

this is a rather confidential

matter thank you

there we go my card the English school

of languages principal HC English that's

that's right now then I shall come

straight to the point good no use

beating about the bush no after all

procrastination is a thief of time

absolutely never put off till tomorrow

what you could do today very true now

then where was

I ah yes yes thank you very much Mr

Browner Brown yes now this see our

teacher of English for foreign students

has left us rather hurriedly and I want

you to take his place oh you're offering

me a job your name was given to me by

one of your former students Miss senson

ah yes ingred

ingred uh yes but i' like to

start as quickly as you can well I

haven't said I'll take the job yet the

starting salary is 5,000 a year rising

to 75,000 by yearly increments that's

very generous the laborer is worthy of

his hire what do you say well i' I'd

like to think it over if I may very well

don't keep me waiting too long I need to

know by Tomorrow Goodbye Mr

um I know I

know bad news Mr Brown oh on the contct

I've just been offered a job at 5,000 a

year that's not nice hey are you going

to take it well I said I'd think it over

I mean after all money isn't everything

oh that's true such a thing as job

satisfaction yeah like something money

can't buy no so I've decided what to do

you're going to stay here no I'm taking

the

job leaving yeah I'm sorry to spring it

on you like this Miss Courtney but it's

too good an opportunity to miss I see

and when do you propose to take take up

this new position well he wants me to

start right away so I thought I'd report

to him first thing in the morning that

doesn't give me much time to find a

replacement yeah I know but I can't

afford to wait and risk losing the job

very well Mr Brown you have obviously

made up your mind and I wish you every

success thank you I hope you'll be happy

but I think I can safely say you won't

find another principal like me I'm sure

I

won't

right time's up uh would you leave your

books on my desk uh but before you go

I've got something to tell you I shall

be teaching you after tonight

oh dear me have you got the bag the

bag yes

please has Mr Cy giv you the bag you

mean the sack jellig

girl so I should be leaving for a better

job we are being very sad to be losing

you I shall miss you very much we shall

all miss you he maybe you changed your

mind eh I must strike while the iron is

hot holy

ravioli you're going to get a job in a

laundry just choosing a figure of speech

I should be doing the same job but at a

commercial school for a lot more money

well come along thank you

everybody well I hope you have the much

luck thank you

Gian

Amigo may your days be filled with

happiness

may Allah watch over you you too

ear Jory good rat com Le

blown Shong

mus goodbye m

j Mach success

ter

good morning morning what can I do for

you I'm Jeremy Brown English teacher you

offered me a job

yesterday oh of course you are do

forgive me I'm terribly sorry I've got

such an awful memory for faces Mr Brown

brown brown

brownie quite all right but when should

I start start what teaching

I'm accepting the job oh uh have you

left your other position then well yes I

gave him my notice last night de de

that's most unfortunate why well you see

we don't need anybody now the chap that

left came back again good isn't

it not for me it isn't no oh no no I

suppose not no no I what ia what will

you do now Mr Brown stop brown brown

brown brown there only one thing I can

do and what's that which way is the

nearest unemployment

[Music]

exchange hello s hello Mr Brad what are

you doing here I thought you'd left yeah

we s it die but the job was already

taken ah what' you do well I went to the

unemployment exchange and told them that

I had 5A levels and was a ba Ox on what'

they say offer me a job as a road

sweeper here have you ever worked on the

market so I could get your job you know

yeah doing what oh are you any good at

the bunny uh what bunny the bunny rabbit

the rabbit and pork The Spill the

chatter oh talk yeah what would I have

to Rabbit about oh uh well I that and

I'll give you a rough idea now you got

stalled in the market you see and you

got the people around you and you said

now come here I'll tell you what I'm

prepared to do I've got three little lot

here the goldie get in the chain worth

£20 the gold braet worth £15 the gold

earrings don't they look nice they look

nice you would do any Jew shopping off

the street and cost you £40 I'm not

asking you 40 30 or even 20 a 10 would

be a bargain One Price One Price only

speak up speak up drop first come first

a five the

take no I'm only demonstrating oh what

do you say no I don't think it's quite

me somehow youd have to go back on the

doll then won't you well I could ask

Miss Courtney for my old job back do you

think you give it de I'm sure she will

if I craw

enough

an hello Miss Courtney Mr Brown this is

a surprise did you forget something when

you left last night no no then to what

do we owe the honor of this visit well I

uh you've done something to your hair my

hair yes looks different somehow much

more femin

oh

really yeah if you don't mind me saying

so you really look quite

attractive all right Mr Brown what are

you

after now I'm wise enough to know what

I'm being softened up what is it you

want oh a reference no doubt well not

exactly well what is it then well I'll

come straight to the point M good I

thought about this new job last night

and I've suddenly realized that money

isn't everything really after all you

can't buy happiness so you've decided

not to take take this job you're very

perceptive I tried to telephone you

earlier today to ask you to bring back

the register Mr English said that you

weren't there because there hadn't been

a vacancy after all ah yeah so now

you've come crawling back to me

expecting to be reinstated yeah well I

would be grateful I mean after all it'

be much easier on the students I mean

easier all around really do I quite

agree oh good except for one

thing I have already engaged a new

teacher no

I'm wondering what new teacher will be

like he won't be as nice as Mr Brown

maybe we are beh have lady teacher Hey

listen everybody's the bush is back Mr

BR that's right s just told us he didn't

get the job he can be coming back here

hey it's too late we got a new teacher

if new teacher leaves professori can

come back how can new teacher Eve we fix

it we all act stupid

new teacher thinks I not teach these

people I leave that's a good idea Amigo

we all GI to be dance for you that is

easy sit down everybody hurry up sit

down this is your new teacher Mr wikins

and Mr wiin is are your

students San capella Danel

Max V and Taron nagazumi you'll soon get

to know

them any problem I shall be in my

office right I do hope we're all going

to get on together extremely

well now you can you tell me how far

you're up

to how far are you up to ah see uh I am

uh uh 5' 11 East no no no no not how

tall you

are 5 F 11 in never mind I'll soon find

out what progress you've made so far now

you what is the feminine of Drake miss

Drake

really you spell cough k f

f what is an apostrophe according to the

New Testament there are 12

apostrophes Andrew James the son of Zeb

John Philip bomu Thomas Matthew James

the son of ales Tas Simon and

Shas you give me a sentence using the

word

defer minks are bred for

defer you explain the meaning of the

phrase to bury the

hatchet to chop someone's head

off you complete the following proverb

people who live in Glass Houses should

get undressed in the

dark explain what is meant by a circular

letter most certainly a circular letter

is the letter

oh

you oh what is an aspirate it is a

tablet you take when know you have Cod

you could you please please tell me what

is the opposite of a

coward a

Bullard well I am appalled at your lack

of knowledge of the English language in

all my years as a teacher I have never

come across a class as ignorant as you

are no wonder your former teacher left

it's enough to make any ordinary man

leave however

I am no ordinary man I should look upon

this task as a personal

challenge I'm going to teach you all

English if it takes me a lifetime

now hello Mr B what are you doing here

I'm not quite sure miss Courtney

telephone me this morning and said she

wanted to see me you don't know what's

it about do you got no idea

why don't you come in Alaska it's just

good and you uh wanted to see me Miss

Courtney oh yes Mr

Bown are you still jobless yeah I'm

afraid so I was offing another job this

morning but I turned it down not enough

money well no the money was all right on

the face of it it seemed quite

attractive own office virtually my own

boss just didn't like the idea of

working below ground on the

Underground no gentleman's conveniences

I

see well uh would you like your old job

back yeah but I I thought you'd already

offered it to someone else well I had

but he telephoned this morning to say

that uh he had left oh did he give any

reason none

whatsoever well Mr Brown I suggest you

start immediately H right Miss Cory on a

temporary basis of

course the boss is

coming

nice to see you boss three HS for the

boss

[Applause]

hooray thank you very much s right we

are getting you back what do you mean

you are getting me back well it's like

it this professori we have the good news

and we have the bad news all right

what's the good news oh blindy we are

getting rid of Mr willkins so that you

can be returning

you mean he left because of your

behavior not so last night M English

came to find you oh from the commercial

school yeah he's wanting to tell you he

has a job for you after all oh well that

is good news but now we come to the bad

news we are be tell Mr English you are

not be want job with him so instead he

give job to Mr wikins hey we plenty

smart H oh yes plenty Professor we have

a de more more good news and the more

bad news all right come on first the

more good news we got eight scoring

drawers on the football

pools the bad news is H we forgot to

post the

Cooper so I've got some good news and

some bad news for you firstly the good

news now that I'm back I'm

staying and now for the bad news from

now on you get extra homework every

night

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

a

[Applause]

come

[Music]

do do do do do

[Music]

enter I brought you some coffee Miss

Courtney I shall be wanting it this

morning thank you glce I have to be at

the court in half an hour tennis court

magistrates oh my goodness what have you

done well I haven't done anything I am

on the bench I am a JP oh very nice any

juicy bits I beg your pardon well you

know like you reading the Sunday papers

husband finds wife in bed with lover no

Gladius just the usual amount of

football Hooligans and drunken

disorderly that sort of

thing enter thank you

Gladis I brought the stock room keys

back well you better hang on to them

Sydney I don't want them today she's in

CT cour

what court magistrates court go have you

been been nicked nied I got a friend of

mine to defend you and if he can't get

you off he'll buang a few quid to the JP

most of them are

bent I am a

JP I was only joking and I sincerely

hope you were I'll see you twoo tomorrow

yeah well don't be too hard on anyone

will you remember a person is innocent

until he's proved guilty yes well I have

often thought that should be the other

way round well you should know

best

oh I'd hate to come up before her me

neither if people like going on the

bench no wonder they demolish the death

sentence case number one has been put

back until after lunch very well let's

get on with it call case number two call

case number two

good

Heavens just Courtney what are you doing

here I am the presiding magistrate oh

blimy we are being in luck we are BN to

be getting off Scotty free

I in court I take it you know these

people Miss courton I must certainly do

well are you sure you won't be

prejudiced in their favor if I am

prejudiced it certainly won't be in

their

favor inspector isn't it a little

unusual for the police to bring so many

defendants before the bench at one time

the dock seems a little

overloaded the case is rather unusual

Madam the accused though acting

individually did in fact commit the

offenses

collectively

I see what are the charges Miss Chung Su

Lee and Mr taru nagazumi inciting a riot

I demand diplomatic

immunity Mr Giovani cello and M Daniel

Favre disturbing the

piece Mr ranit sing and Mrs Jamila ranf

causing an afraid please I'm not

understanding what he meaning and I am

no be understand also Master G but he's

reading out the charges you mean we

having to pay for being

here more than likely will you please be

quiet sorry Mr Ali Nadim and Miss anah

Schmid causing a public

nuisance Mr Juan santes and Mr

Maximillian papandreas assaulting a

police officer he assult us first see he

hit my fist with his

JW another remark like that I shall hold

you in

contempt speak when you you are spoken

to one sorry wrong number carry on with

the charges that's all what about Mr

Brown oh I'm not charged with anything

what are you doing in the dock I've come

here to speak on their behalf he's our

mouthpiece sure he's going to Spring

us you see Miss

Courtney you must come down onto the

floor of the court if you wish to

address the

bench oh

right

you see Miss Courtney there I am not

miss

Courtney funny she look like miss

cotney you will kindly address me as

your honor Sorry Miss cotney uh your

honor but there are mitigating

circumstances and I'm sure that when

you've heard what the students have to

say you will decide to act leniently now

we'll see about that after we have heard

the explanation yes well it all happened

last Friday evening after class as part

of their homework I decided to give the

students various tasks to perform things

to do places to visit Su and Tera would

you tell the court what happened in your

case take the stand

please take the book in your right hand

and read what's on the cart yes

sir I swear by almighty God that the

evidence I shall give shall be the truth

the whole truth nothing but the

truth take the book in your right hand

are you saying that you are not going to

tell the truth Republic of China not

brief in Christian Lan what do you

believe it chairman ma very well do you

swear by Chairman Mao that the evidence

you give should be the truth the whole

truth of nothing but the truth in

Democratic Republic of China there's no

loom for eyes truth is absolute so say

chairman

M I think we can accept that as an

affirmation proceed task Mr blown elate

to talo and me is visit Speaker's Corner

in height Park to observe olus I say to

you again ladies and gentlemen do not be

deceived by assurances of a so-called

change of attitude in China they are

still governed by dictators the people

are still oppressed laish it is

not China is still an aggressive Nation

it is Western impar who are aggressors

China is still a free democracy now he's

choking rubbish you are if you don't

like it over here get back to where you

came from don't speak like that to my

friend you are ignorant cap is raty you

are now calm down if he wasn't a lady

I'd Z here I have news for you I am no

[Music]

lady you see it was PR Act of

selfdefense not our fault you may Stand

Down who's next Mr giovan Capello and

Miss

favra take the book in your right hand

and read what's on the

card not the likely I not to swear on a

Protestant Bible we are Catholics I

swear by the Pope give him a Catholic

Bible Okie

COI I promise I'm going to tell all of

the

truth me

too carry

on your

honor is like it this Mr Brown asked us

to visit Television Studios to see how

television programs are

made o yes where do you think you're

going we go to have the look around

you're not allowed in here without a ass

but I'm sure you can look the other way

rules are made to be broken no not by me

no but it's

for

sorry hey what's that down there where

come

on

hey what do we do now we have the look

around don't worry nobody's going to

find us here Santa

Maria quick in

here good afternoon and welcome to

another edition of World of Sport this

afternoon in our search for sporting

action but which way do we go you mind

I'm on air hey obious seen you someplace

before you don't off look like that

David

Dicky Davis you spagetti that's right

look I am Dicky Davis and I'm trying to

do a

program I'm very sorry about that but

when the program is live Anything Can

Happen got it as I was saying David can

I have your autograph

[Music]

please thank you very much good evening

ladies and gentlemen and welcome my

first guest tonight has flown across the

Atlantic especially to be with us I

think perhaps he

best hey I know you it's a Michael

Parkington it's not it's Eon

Andrew oh my

[Music]

God

[Music]

[Music]

is Mr Brown's fault not

mine your honor I arrest my

bag you Val you rest your case Okie

cookie AR rest of my bag and on my case

silence and there is far too much levity

in this courtroom we will now take a

short break and when we come back I

shall hope for a little more respect

otherwise the court will be

[Applause]

killed

[Music]

can we have the next defendants Please

Mr Singh and Mrs

Ranger what do you swear on I never

swear it's against my religion he is

being mean swear on holy book thousand

apologies I'm swearing by the guru

[Music]

Grand

no I be swear by almighty

God I be swear to tell the obsolute

truth and nothing but the obsolute

truth carry on Master G is ask us for

our homey work to be take boat on River

thus and we comply

[Music]

when the weather is fine then you know

it's a sign for Ming on the

river if you take my advice

there's well it's very simple it's

forward to go forward and backwards to

go backwards what about if you want to

go

sideways I think I AMC you really want

to H this boat most definitely all right

which on I'll cast off don't put it in

gear until I tell

you the

[Music]

stop crushing up the

B oh please be getting out of the

way

[Music]

[Music]

I'll it's a wonder the boat didn't see

it

did Stand

Down who's next U

[Laughter]

Mr take the book in your right hand and

read one what's on the

card sure we tell the

truth I tell you what happened no no m i

no no no no no I speak good better

English no I speak better English than

you speak better

English tell the court what happened Mr

santes and Mr Brown he tell us to go and

see the wax wax wax

work she say I tell not you

okay so we go to Madame to

S hey I tell you what we do you take the

photo of me with the British royal okay

which way we go we ask

where we

find we want the

queen hey what's the man you're

de he's a wax

man looks like a real

man hey look here's another he don't

look very

nice he looks like a dum how they get

this

St

it's a speaking

Dy can I help you

gentlemen you're a real man yes

including the mustache we are looking

for the royal family I'm going to have

the picture taken with the

queen arm now members of the public are

not allowed to touch the

exhibits right we not tell nobody thank

you very much much unfortunately you are

too late we are about to close you will

find the exit that

way we better go now I want the picture

with the queen and Prince Philip we

go that

way ah there they are ah I go front you

take picture okay but be

quick all right watch

deeper I'll just check in

[Music]

[Music]

here

come on you

[Music]

two that's all it's quite enough you may

Stand Down Mr and Miss

Schmid I swear by almighty God that the

evidence I shall give shall be the truth

the whole truth and nothing but the

truth and what about you oh blind

me I'm also swearing but by the Holy

Quran oh

yes proceed please jelly good teacher is

told us to be visiting I am not told you

anything Ali oh yes please I was being

there when you were toing us there's no

such word as toing teacher is right

thank you Anna Mr Brown tell

us the past participle of the verb to

tell is

told Mr

Brown may I remind you that you are not

here to teach

English yes Miss Courtney I'm sorry your

carry on Mr n jelly good Mr Brown told

us to be visiting the zoo we saw all the

animals and on the way out Ali decided

he wanted to ride on the

elephant see the elephant with a long

trunk swinging the great big ears and a

long trunk swinging sniffing up the

peanuts and the long trunk swinging St

all day going to

theoo excuse me please we are wanting to

have a ride on elephant oh

cheese would you like a hearty

dog what you were saying your cheese is

hard so I'm offering you my hearty

do why don't we start again we would

like a ride on the elephant well you

can't why not you are not allowed on the

elephant without a keeper we are wanting

to be riding on elephant not the

keeper to be I have no idea you go for

keeper no I go for pun you come to two

two we're going to zoo zoo hello hello

hello oh it is an Indian Elephant how do

you know that it has a bigger head and

longer nose BL me it is pinching

my hey what are you doing we are going

to be riding on elephants no we wait for

keeper don't worry I know everything

about elephant please be getting up it

may be dangerous oh no Indian elephants

are most peaceful people we are only

going to be sitting climb please climb

come very high oh yes when I was being a

little boy in da I used to ride aant

yeah oh yes to be going on left side

you're pulling left ear yeah to be going

on the right wordss you're pulling right

ear and to be stopping you're pulling BS

here what about starting to be starting

you bang on head

[Laughter]

[Music]

help please

help what happened to the elephant it

went for a bass in the lake

unfortunately we are still sitting on

it you may Stand

Down Mr Brown have you anything to say

before I give judgment yes M Coury um

yes your honor I beg the court to show

clemency in this case these poor

unfortunate people are guests in our

country they have journeyed from their

native lands to our Shores to learn our

mother tongue why because they admire

our English way of life with its long

tradition of hospitality Free Speech

Justice and above all fair play they

have committed no offense in their eyes

they were merely carrying out their

duties as they saw them I mean one only

has to look at them to see that they are

not

criminals I'm sure the court will find

them innocent if anyone is guilty it is

I

Bravo thank you Petra

Chelli

well having regard to your impassioned

plea for Mercy the court tends to agree

with your remarks the accused are more

misguided than misers therefore the

court finds the defendants not

guilty however the court agrees with Mr

Brown that if anyone is guilty he is to

have sent out these poor unfortunate

students on such fool hearty errands is

highly irresponsible it is a Pity that

the court cannot punish you but be

warned Mr Brown if you ever come before

this bench again for whatever reason you

will be severely dealt with the court

will

[Applause]

adjourn you want to come for a drink oh

no thanks I'm

[Music]

driving

[Music]

hey is this your car sir yes having

trouble with your memory are you sir

pardon your road tax disc has run out

sir ah well I'm sure I've applied for it

what's going on h j another tax Dodger

Madam really well while you're at it

Constable why don't you check his lights

and his tires how about his insurance

I shall be sitting again

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

tomorrow

[Music]

[Music]

do

yes Sydney oh hello Miss courney did you

want me no I was just given your office

floor to brush out how very

kind good evening a Mr Brown just the

man I want you Lucky

Devil sorry would you step into my

office yeah not

you Mr Brown after you miss

cotney did you have a nice weekend oh

very pleasant I spent two days in Lou

huh in Li of what oh in Lou in cor oh

yeah I have brought something for you

here it's a tape recorder yes oh that's

very kind of you miss Courtney thank you

very much I didn't expect you to buy me

anything well that's good because I

haven't but I thought this was a that

tape recorder belongs to the music class

I thought it might be a good idea if you

used it to try to improve your students

elocution oh yes that is a good idea how

does it work it is self-explanatory Mr

Brown stop start wind rewind

record shouldn't there be a microphone

it is fully built in fully now when you

have finished it perhaps you would

return it to the music Club yeah

certainly you may go thank

you pomp us old

twit that old H she such a pompus old

twit haven't you a class to go to yeah I

was just going oh just one moment

something that matter yes it's still

switched on

oh my

God I do hope you weren't being

Indiscreet no no of course I I never

said anything did I see no not a Dicky

bird never open his nor sh well we'll

see shall we I think I'll go and sweep

the floor yes I stay where you

are now let's see what we can hear when

you have finished with it perhaps you

would be kind enough to return it to the

music Club yeah certainly you may go

thank you here we are that's it there's

no more no definitely no more just a

moment P old

Twi a p Twi I see I am a pompous old

twit am I that wasn't you really good

Lord no was it s no no should never old

in

yeah then who was it uh who well it was

yes it was your old boiler Gladis the

tea lady that's right gladice I would

hardly call Gladis pompus wouldn't you

she can be very pompus at times I see

well perhaps you would tell pompus

gladice that I am waiting for my coffee

right

um you know my horoscope was right I was

forecast to clash with authority ending

in disaster that wasn't disaster yeah

well the Knight is still

young

there you are how you liking you are

very rude renit also he's not be spelled

very good please L love it off before

Ari arrives no you make Ali very mad I

am not caring yesterday Ali is calling

me a monkey

face you shouldn't call you monkey face

oh thank you Max it's not your fault you

look like

[Music]

that have I missed something funny no

professori he's still here

you are liking flowers exy you are

liking flowers answer yes or no well

sure I like it the flowers good I'm

sending something to your funeral mg put

your knife away giovan sit down come on

with you what hope is there for a

multi-racial society if a handful of

people can't sit down together for a

couple of hours without coming to blow

ah we only make it a joke well in Future

Let's have no more jokes they only seem

to lead to

arguments

who's responsible for this come along

I'm

waiting if the person who's responsible

doesn't own up you'll all stay behind

and have extra homework it was

R I suggest you come out here ranit and

rub it off before Ally comes in and sees

it before Ally comes in and see what

nothing Alie you are hiding something

from me yes please I can see my name on

blackboard we weren't just about to rub

it off who blly

me I can be reporting you to the

monastery of

Education Ministry that also I'm being

surprised at You me writing naughty

things like that I didn't write it but

you are standing with chalky in hand

that is circumstantial oh no that is

most definitely

chalky this was already written before I

arrived Oho then I knowing who is

writing it it is monkey

face pick you up the

K sit down the listen if I have any more

arguments those persons responsible will

be sent home immediately well that's not

CH and that goes for you too no more

arguments me never argue always argue

never oh yes you do oh no I don't you're

arguing now

you sit

down right now tonight we are going to

con concentrate on your elocution heaven

knows it needs concentrating on right

now this is a tape recorder hey we're

going to have the music while we

work no we're not we're just going to

have the work I'm going to ask each of

you in turn to say something into this

and we'll rewind it and play it back and

we'll correct any mistakes or

mispronunciations you may make right you

first Ellie jelly good what shall I be

saying well just say anything at all

that comes into your mind uh anything at

all that is coming into my mind um uh

that

do here is the news and this is

Maximillion Andreas arimis Pap andrau

speaking it today we not have any news

maybe tomorrow we have

somei my name is Danielle fa

3621 35 I am French a pair and I like

all kind of sports in the doors and out

of the

doors than you miss France

ter 1 o 2 3 40 good good

good

um

I be speaking little

poetries when first I come to school I

am sit here like a fool but Master G is

teach me how to speech and now I speak

much more

better I didn't exactly rhyme Master

Shaker no be r no that's true he doesn't

not

always

Gian

this is not a talent contest just say a

sentence or two

okay I am in the English class to learn

how to speak the English now I speak

English you still have a lot to

learn

R greetings and salutations to all my

friends long life and much happiness be

with you all very nice I I mean thank

you well done suly and spare us the

thoughts of chairman ma tonight please

thoughts of chairman ma wasted on Craft

full of ignorant followers of imp istic

polies of a only China can flue

democracy flish thank you at least

you're

consistent

one I tell you a little story H my

cousin from Madrid his wife she goes up

to heaven Spirit Santo Domin and in the

funeral my cousin he's very bad so the

priest he come to him and say please my

son don't worry in 6 months from now

maybe you find another beautiful s

and you get married my cousin he said to

the priest 6 months what am I going to

do

tonight thank you man I know more yeah

we save them for T all right right now

we'll rewind this and you'll all hear

how terrible you sound you've all got a

long way to go no please the landlord

man I'm staying with is telling me I am

speaking English much more better than

what he's doing is he a Londoner no he's

from

Turkey well I wouldn't let it go to your

head rangit right now pay attention but

you first Ellie jelly good what shall I

be saying well just say anything at all

that comes into your mind anything at

all that is coming into my mind

um who was that who was what who were

you speaking to that was you you are

pulling my

Ley that was not me that is a foreign

sounding man exactly that's how you

sound oh blimy and all the time I'm

thinking I'm sounding good like sir

Olivia

Lawrence Lauren leave me up yes

please you're late Anna yeah you feeling

all right yeah you do not sound

allight look if there's anything that's

troubling you can tell H where your

friends that's right you let her your

hair down oh blimy how can she be

letting her hair down when it is not

up let your hair down means to get

everything off of the chest you are be

want her to take off her

clothes holy ravioli these foreigners

are all stupid come why don't you tell

us what's the matter for the last time

there nothing's a matter you stop asking

stupid questions I'm perfectly all right

[Applause]

enter I'm returning the tap recorder I

took it back to the music class but

they'd all gone home oh very well you

can leave it there have you finished now

yes I've just got to give them their

homework I think I've got a slight

problem no your class is one big problem

I'm rather worried about Anna in what

way well she burst into tears when she

arrived and so far she's refused to say

what's troubling her oh dear I do hope

it isn't Miss R bottom all over again

Hardon needle work class last term

exactly the same symptoms weeping all

over her embroidery refused to say why

did you ever find out what was the

matter oh yes was it something serious

was for Miss robottom she was pregnant

please Anna tell us what is the matter

I'm all right how can you be saying you

are all right when you have been crying

buckets of water you can do nothing you

could do nothing to help how you know we

can do nothing to help if you're not

tell H your problem all right I tell you

I have to go back to vest Germany why

you got to go back my we has P

Kut finished 2 years is nearly up why

not ask for extension von't work I have

a friend from East Germany Eva also op

she's been told she has to go back next

month you know want to go back no I want

to stay here you can be staying with me

I hide you nobody will be knowing you

are

there thank you ranit but it won't work

maybe you ask for diplomatic immunity HH

Su is right you can be a

detector Defector

ah that is what I mean people only

defect from east to west I'm already in

the vest go to Chinese Embassy and join

with Republic of China in fight against

Lan don't you stay here in England I

have

answer become British citizen how wife

automatically take nationality of

husband hey that tarot's got to

something you must have get married with

a Hing Englishman hey how about Sid he

is an Englishman he's already being

married we put something in the

newspaper wanted smart Englishman Plenty

Money good looks to marry beautiful

German girl very

sexy I can't do that sure you can when I

marry it must be Mr R is her English who

this Mr Right haven't met him yet oh

blame me how can he be marrying someone

he haven't met

what Anna means when she marries she

marries Mr Right not Mr wrong but he's

be sound like a foreign person who Mr

Wrong don't take any notice of Z Mana

what I mean is when I get married it

must be full love you don't have to live

with him all you got to do is get a

British passport by getting married then

after a couple of months you get a

divorce who's going to agree to marry me

for a couple of months plent

people hey now let's think of

somebody first he's got to be English

that's right and a little bit

stupid somebody simple huh who we can

twist round a little finger it is

impossible God will find a way tell me

where is God going to find a stupid

simple English man whom we can twist

around our little

finger de

what was that one sorry nothing nothing

right now about your homework Professor

after class we invite you to the pub for

a drink huh oh that's very kind of you

good but I'm afraid I've got rather a

lot of work to do you must come BOS we

will be so disappointed if you do not

come oh well if you put it like that how

can I

[Applause]

resist

now don't forget we give Mr Brown plenty

of the softer soap he what is the softer

soap the flannel soft soap flannel is

she going to have a

B I think he means we are going to be

getting Mr Brown in a good mood he why

don't you speak in a better English hey

I think they're coming back okay C now

not to worry Anna we fix you up

huh there we are then who ordered what

shorts

uh hey professori you sit here next to

Anna huh all right thank you right now

what should we drink to to the Future to

the

Future you ever think about the future

professori sometimes you ever think of

getting married BOS not really every man

should be married especially to a

woman

living by yourself man no not meant to

live by bra alone it is not natural men

and women are made for each other in

China we breef it is duty of every

citizen to marry and produce ridd

citizen you are missing lot of nice

Pleasures you're all very concerned to

get me married off we are only wanting

you to be happy well I'm quite happy as

I am thank you what about you Anna you

haven't said anything yet or are you

against marriage oh no I would like to

be married I can't understand why she's

not married already such a beautiful

girl a

profesor that Anna she's a beautiful

girl yes yes one day she going to make

somebody a nice wife she's a wonderful

cook good with the house cleaning

kindhearted

very carefully the money I faithful a

man would be lucky to have such wife I

smell something fishy oh blamy it must

be the cured prawn I'm having for

lunch no I'm not stupid this has

something to do with you Anna am I right

yeah okay we tell you the truth

professori Anna is in the big trouble

see she's got to get

married

got to Sure BOS there is no other way

Miss Courtney was right then miss

Courtney knows about Anna well she

suspected correctly as it turns

out can you know be help her master well

I'll do my best now listen Anna do you

know who's responsible for um your

condition yeah good who is it it's the

Home

[Laughter]

Secretary I beg your pardon he is is the

van you sure yeah I'm sure you must be

mistaken n he is the van well I'm afraid

he must have been lying who was lying

well this person who told you that he

was the Home Secretary what person well

the person who put you in the state you

are in yes a Home

Secretary it couldn't have been the Home

Secretary it was my girlfriend Ava is in

the same boat with

me you mean you mean your girlfriend is

also in your condition yeah both of you

were in the same boat with the Home

Secretary

yeah I can't believe it it's true AA has

written to him but he says her Weiser

cannot be

extended mine also is ending that is why

I must get married with an Englishman

just a minute you mean you want to get

married to stay in the country yeah and

for no other reason nine well thank

goodness for that Okie cocki when we fix

the wedding there won't be a

wedding

sh look and as much as I sympathize with

your predicament I can't marry you

wouldn't be right I may uh be

oldfashioned but I believe that people

should marry for love and not merely as

a matter of convenience yeah you're

right excuse me I go to fix my

face honestly I'm surprised at you lot

conting a stupid idea like that we only

wanted to help Anna we are we feel very

sorry for her well I'm sure you meant

well oh cheers come on I'll get some

more

drinks poor Anna she is going to be very

sad yeah we have to fix something

giovan hey I got it

Maxi we get him drunk we get drunk

Professor then tomorrow we not to

remember anything and we tell him he

agreed to marry Anna in here to ton

night in front of the witnesses and I

will never agree to that sure she will

how you know we get her drunk as

well me Mr Brown not particularly

feeling under the weather just a bit I

had a bit too much to drink last night

ah Bon

Professor how you feeling MOS terrible

last night you were very happy man was I

I don't remember you not remember

dancing on the

table I didn't you did with Hannah just

after you asked her to marry you yeah

well I'm afraid

I what did you say I did you ask Anna to

marry you oh no oh yes youa you felt

sorry for her you don't want her to go

back to Germany so you tell her you Mar

her are you sure positive she's going to

fix the date tonight you very lucky

man congratulations I don't want

congratulations well come to think of it

getting splices is more of an occasion

for

mourning I am not getting married well

they seem to think you are well they are

wrong and I'm going to tell them so

oh right now uh any places everybody

listen please got something to tell you

about ah an just the person I want to

see Mr Brown what can I say to you yeah

well I'd rather you didn't say anything

what you did last night was vundabar

yeah well uh it's about last night Anna

I will never forget it Anna will you

listen to me but I cannot let you marry

me yeah well I may have had one or two

more what did you say I cannot let you

marry me there's no need you mean you

found somebody else I telephone Home

Secretary he can't marry you he's

already got a wife I phone about my

weisa and he tells me I I can stay

because I'm part of common

market that is good news but how can I

thank you for your kind offer oh well

that was nothing would you have actually

done this thing yes I mean that's what

friends are

for Wonder Bar you will like Ava pardon

my friend she is from East Germany so

she's not in common

market

Eva

D is Mr Brown

yeah my leion come to

[Applause]

[Music]

a

[Music]

do do do

[Music]

oh Mr BR is this the more jumbl for our

school Fai yes it's just a few things my

students brought in what are

these seek underwear from rangit oh well

I suppose we can always ask the needle

we class to sew up the Flies and take a

bit off the legs and put them in as a

pair of football

shorts thoughts of chairman ma no need

to ask where that came

from Danielle

Max I beg your pardon who swe he found

it in his pocket there's no idea how it

got there likely story well you better

bring this along to my office later and

we'll lock it up with all the rest of

the staff until Saturday very well by

the way we've got one one what don't you

ever read the notice board I don't

obviously not there has been a notice on

the board for the past two weeks to the

effect that we were hoping to get a

celebrity to open our school Fates oh

yes I remember now who have you got

Robert Dall you remember he used to read

the news I've got the art class making

stickers with his name on to put across

the

posters good evening Mr santes how's

your English for your

English you're English me

Spanish sorry I

asked where are the others everybody's

coming pront I come first to talk how

you say uh ombre to man to man right I

have a beautiful seor I have met a

beautiful girl hey just like me what's

her name no no no I haven't met anyone I

was merely correcting your English

Spanish y why all right all right well I

want to take Rita that's her name I wa

for the weekend holiday but she lives

with her mother and she think maybe her

mother not let her come away with me

what can I do why don't you ask her

mother I don't want to go away with her

mother ask Rita's mother if you can go

away with her on holiday you think she

said yes I have no idea what are your

intentions

for I'll be blunt are you hoping to get

get Rita into your room no good not my

room her room one room yeah well in that

case I can't help you you just have to

make your own decision uh sorry

yes squee please I buying you a cup of

tea oh thank you

Alie I am buying you a chocolate biscuit

oh thank you R unfortunately while I'm

coming from the canteen I am eating it

well never mind it's the thought that

counts

cheers that's funny what is it this tea

taste like coffee excuse

please it is tasting like

coffee oh blimy that is explaining it

explaining what all the time I'm being

in the canteen I'm thinking my coffee is

tasting in

likey oh never mind I don't think I'll

bother sit down everybody we still got a

lot to do

tonight um

max would you put that cigar out please

sorry BOS right now before we go any

further I want to talk to you about the

school fate if you're looking forward to

it as they got someone famous to open it

yes Robert dogall never heard of him I

am to see him on television Master g d

Florence

and Jamila that's a doggy sort of dogall

this is Robert dogall who used to be a

news reader only he's retired now M

that's no good it's much better we get

somebody who reads the news now like a

that Angela

ripoff

Ripon scoy I am liking the other one

better Annie

Minnie Annie Minnie she's reading the

the news on ITV an aord

wrona Miss Courtney should have asked me

what for you're not famous no but I'm a

big friend of famous man on television

another one of your fairies Tales it's

true he's a big star of celebrity square

eyes hey it's not Bob monkey

house no Willie rushington

no the cocky man go for my Lord yeah

that's him you know him well like a

Brothers he would have been very happy

to come and Hope on the Fate well it's

too late now we've already got Mr dogall

now what I would really like to know is

what each of you are doing to help the

fake to raise money as you know whatever

we take goes to charity so we obviously

want to make as much as we can this what

we think we make a fortune good uh tell

me what you're doing Anna jam and me we

bring some bathroom scales and be charge

two PE for Van Ving oh that's an

excellent idea Ali what what are you

doing oh Ranjit and I having a very good

game we are putting empty tin on a piece

of wood and for only 5 P you can be

throwing three ballies to be knocking

them down are there any prizes oh yes

please if you are knocking three tins

down you are winning one pound I don't

want to worry you Ali but you could lose

money on that oh no you are being

mistaken nobody is knocking down even

one tin but why not we are nailing the

tins to the piece of

very

ingenious F what are you doing ah I make

plenty money with Danielle doing what

selling kisses oh so we have plenty fun

how much are you selling your kisses for

5 P 10 p and 15p oh what's the

difference I show

you for 5 P you kiss on a One

Cheek for 10 p you kiss on the B

chicken and for 15

P IDE hey I buy one of them 15 P

kisses I not kiss you not a you Danielle

you great Spanish

P you not speak to me like that you

macaroni face what will do sit down and

behave

yourself that that means

you right um max what have you in mind

for Saturday I tell you the boss asked

me to tell him we both to tell him

okay we got a great idea we got a great

idea a jamama jars jamama jars jam jars

that's right that's right you're

beginning to sound like an echo Max do

you have to repeat everything Giovani

says sorry boss first we get the jam

jars first we get the jam jars you start

we put the jam jars on the floor and

people try to throw 10p into a Jam Jar

if they miss we keep the 10p and if they

get one in they win five P we can't lose

L yeah I don't think you'll get too many

takers

Tero are you doing anything yes

swap swap oh Swap Shop oh yes Mr Brown

Mr Courtney asked me to remind you to

take the jumbling ah thank you Sid I'll

be there straight away right now right I

sh be a minute in the meantime would you

turn to page 130 and study the chapter

on Clause analysis uh Max would you

clean the board okay

BOS oh no well how

awful are you

sure oh

dear yes well thank you very much for

telling me

goodbye bad news

extremely Mr DG has flew he has confined

to bed oh great there goes our celebrity

well now what are we going to do we've

got no what to open the fates just a

minute Max Max the

Greek but he's not a celebrity no no no

no but apparently he knows Arthur Mard

you know that TV chappy oh yes I think I

know the word you mean speaks a bit like

Sydney that's him oh well I suppose

Beggars can't be choosers you think Mr

Pap Andreas could get this Mr Mard

malard your malard yes why don't we go

and ask him whatever I

B right Max I want a word with

you I was um I was telling Miss Courtney

that you know Arthur

mull you are don't

you come on speak up

Max Max how many times do I I have to

tell you smoking is not never mind about

that now Mr Brown you know this Mr

malard really well do you we are just

like that he'd do anything for me and

you say he'd be happy to open our fate

sure he would oh I expect he's far too

busy for me he drop

anything good then you can ask him to

open our Fate on Saturday okay I ask him

to what tell him to be there by 12:00

we'll pay his expenses of course oh

thank you Mr papadas you have saved the

day now come along Mr Brown

you hey what's the matter with you you

know look very

happy I'm not very happy oh blim me I'm

thinking he's dropping

clinker fair is Tales Max I did meet him

once when 2 years ago I sat next to him

on a bus

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

hello Greg yeah have you heard the news

hey they' got half a malard why what she

done haate he's going to open the Fate

oh yeah yeah I think he's lovely he's

down at the red line over the weekend

pushing down a pile of pennies yeah do

you think I can get his autograph you'd

think to get somebody could speak a bit

better than him would you well what's

the matter with the way he speaks speaks

just like you get that he don't speak

nothing like me he's

common what are you going to do Max what

about about your great big celebrity

friend that you do not know nothing hey

you got to do something

Max don't worry I fix everything after

class I go to the pum and telephone Miss

Courtney I tell her I just spoke to my

good friend hathur and who will be

delighted to come and hope in the Fate

unfortunately he's already engaged why

don't you tell the truth I don't think

he knows what truth

means you all been studying claw

analysis

good right books away please right Alie

what is an adverbial clause oh

blamey

anybody right well then I suggest for

your homework you all write out the

chapter on Clause

analysis it's time to go now see you all

at the Fate on

Saturday Max yes P when will you know

about Arthur mad uh I go to phone him

from PB now

right oh listen Max uh use Miss

Courtney's phone I'm sure she won't mind

it's okay BOS much better hphone from P

yeah well will you let Miss Courtney and

me know as soon as you've spoken to him

we''ll be here for a while yet

okay what do you think of that then a

that's very nice said going in for

modeling S no just trying under jacket

miss courtne you said everything on the

r was a fire and very reasonable can I

pay you now cuz I won't be at the fight

that that he not until after the puure I

don't see why not if we can't have First

Choice who can ah well there's my father

right I'll see Miss scottney gets it

later will you be going to the fake

ladders oh I wouldn't miss Arthur malard

for

anything steady now Arthur we don't want

it knocked down before Sunday no that

wouldn't do would it little are you

ready for another P yes I'll be back in

a minute I'm just going to the wats

it what you have in half a p Okay C two

halfes please miss I I'll have a point

of Big

G I thought you couldn't hear very well

hey he hears what he wants to to offs

and some pink ears

please hey you better go pH Miss

Courtney huh okay shid you got Miss

Courtney's number yeah well what do you

want it for I got a forer about Arthur

Mard oh oh him yeah do you know glad

said I speak like what he does yeah hey

wait a minute what I got an idea yes

come over here bring it thanks

Gian will you uh make me a favor

what sort of

a what sort of a favor she worth a quit

yeah who do you want knocking off

nothing no no I want you to telephone

Miss Courtney and tell her that you're

half a malard and that you won't be able

to come and Hope on the Fate I thought

you were supposed to have fixed all that

he not fixed nothing he doesn't even

know this Au myard you open an open sh

again have you will you do it I'll go

for a quit I'll do

anything

hello hello Miss Courtney maximilan

papan here I got Mr Mard to speak with

you

hello oh good evening Mr Mard it is kind

of you to open our Fate on Saturday yes

that's what I was fing you about we

can't pay you a fee but we will pay your

expenses of course say uh 50 50

Quid

cash oh that's lovely uh what time would

you want me to be

there

2:30 2:30 all right I'll see you there

on Saturday 2:30 tell her

love what are you doing are you crazy

she's offered me 50 Quid in cash wrong

she's offered that to hathur malard look

everybody thinks I speak like him all I

need is a bit of a disguise and a big

pair of

stilts he's not going to Works SED

you're not the fool nobody's no well at

least I try to help didn't I

cheers I've got to get

back I'm H the creek without a

paddle you're up at the creek without

even a

boat Santa Maria

what's the

matter without turning

around who does a man at the bar remind

you

of how can I see without turning

around just have it a quick

look no

idea nothing like him sure it is a bet

fool a lot of people especially Miss

Courtney hey you might be right come

on

scoy

yes has anybody ever told you you look

like Arthur Mard arth

foru he's on television I'm a good at

television but never mind

mind what are you doing Saturday

afternoon why we want you to impersonate

alter Malad what for it's just to open a

fate it's for a very good cause oh I

don't know it's only for half a hour and

you'll be paid how much

£250

£250 not bad e £250 for only half hour's

work very generous is that the sort of

money this off for my old gets well

maybe he gets a bit

more3 maybe but you're just

impersonating him you think I could do

it sure you look a bit like him just

speak a bit rougher

rougher this Arthur malard is's a very

rough is he he speaks just like a slob a

slob that's because he's thick right

I'll tell you something curly what's

that I am all for

my that's good pleas getting into the

F yes Arthur tell these two books who I

am Arthur my

life holy

ravioli he really is

a slob you call me he didn't mean it

well I to the s that I mean you're a

loudmouth ignorant spaghetti eating twit

and it's only my good nature that stops

me from punching your

heading Mr mullard what does this mean

you won't be coming to open our feate

you must be

joking now look what you've done you and

your big mouth yeah my big mouth what

about your your big mouth you started it

I tell you something harer is right you

are an ignorant spaghetti eating

Twi listen Shorty you get up off your

knees and say that don't you speak to me

like that and don't you push me like a

that ah push

off is it raining in the office Mr Brown

no no I'm just checking it I'm thinking

of buying this you know that it is

unlucky to put up an umbrella indoors

well it's a good job I'm not

superstitious how's that oh very nice

well you can take those and hand them

out right now I think it's time to be

all going

home oh that's funny what is I didn't

seem to be able to find my coat oh help

you look what does it look it's a sort

of Tweed mixture with fur on the cuffs

and uh fur on the collar yes oh dear

what's the matter I thought everything

on this rail was for the jumble

sale what have you done with my coach

afraid I sold it to Gladis

for5 what yeah but don't worry I'll get

it

back Sid what where's GL she's gone oh

great where does she live 29 cornwood

Terrace but wait a minute if I know her

she'd be in the

Boozer finished good now you'll be more

careful next time here your drinks

Cheers

Cheers yeah oh I should have to

go tell I see you boys hello Glen oh GL

Mr Brown where is it where's what the

coat you bought I need it back it's Miss

Courtney's the coat oh well I've sold it

sold it too yeah little behind the bar

oh Excuse

me yes sir what do you want a lady's

coat

this may come as a shock to you sir but

this is a pub not a boutique no no I

mean the coke bloody sold you I must

have it back big kinky are

you pardon I've heard about fellas like

you dressing up in women's clothes I

don't wear it it's our School principles

I sold it to glad it's by mistake oh oh

all right I'll go and get it thank you

hello BOS what are you doing it's a long

story here you are oh thank you and

here's your uh5

10 I bought it for 10 oh great 10

T hey you want a drink propor no thanks

no time i' got to get this coat back to

miss

[Music]

Courtney

[Music]

kiss the most beautiful girl in

friss Miss Watson on the jumble stand Jo

good yeah and be quick ho um we might

sell a few before the official opening

hello BOS oh Max where's other my lord

well it's like this bsh I uh maybe he's

had an accident tell him

Maxi well down in the basement we have a

gymnasium very nice he Mr Brown this is

Mr Brown I Eng this teacher how' you do

and you know Max of course yes very good

of you to come well it's all in a good

cause and I couldn't let a mate down

could

I I told you was a friend of

mine well come along now it's time we

open the Fate oh Mr Papa Jess I wanted

if you'd be awfully kind and get my coat

for me I think it's hanging on a rail in

the office oh no now what the matter it

doesn't matter see you at the

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

Fate

[Music]

do do do do

[Music]

what's going

on hi I turn it up hey what's the matter

s walking all over my floor and what do

you want H to do

fly I've just watched it hey not look

very clean to me no it won't not with

you L tring all over it come along you

three back to your desks with you in a

minute get on hey where you going if you

must know I'm going to see a man about a

dog ah when you go

right but I told you to wash this floor

you did but do it immediately it's is

graceful

all right everyone back I must say it's

nice to see you all working hard for a

change see brown we study for a exen ham

exen ham see in few weeks we have exen

ham the word is exam ah sorry

Ram excuse me Mr Brown yes M courtley I

am extremely worried about the

forthcoming examinations particularly so

far as your English class is concerned

another failure would be Unthinkable oh

don't worry miss courtley this time we

will sail through you had

better however in order to reassure

myself I am visiting each class in order

to check on its progress I am just on my

way to the woodwork class but I shall be

back in a few moments to give your

students an oral test and I do expect

some correct answers now we'll do our

best I just hope your best is good

enough do not worry we will be

surprising Miss Courtney well that's

exactly why I'm

worried for yes one eh did you buy the

dog what dog the one you go see man

about I went to spend a penny ah very

cheap

dog all right now I checked your

homework last night and you're still

making far too many Elementary mistakes

for example Ali yes please the letters

oh H MS stand for on Her Majesty's

service and not for only Hindus Muslims

and

siks jell f a sex step has absolutely

nothing to do with

orgies you wrong I beg your pardon see

last week I see a film Swedish sexet

yeah well never mind what you saw sexet

means six people see like in the film

The were six big Swedish girl with a big

don't just look it up in the dictionary

and write it out 10 times right right

Sue to complete the phrase as wise as

you could have put an owl or even

Solomon but not chairman ma chairman M

wiser than everybody yeah well that's

your opinion Anna yeah a sorcerer is a

wizard and not something you put a cup

on

Danielle congratulations absolutely

perfect thank you but what about my

homework I was referring to your

homework H work oh Giovani the correct

word to describe a relative by marriage

is in-law as in brother-in-law and not

as you put

Outlaw it's the same thing it is not the

same thing an outlaw is a bandit well so

is my

brother-in-law yes well I hope you find

Miss Courtney's questions as amusing

she'll be here any minute don't

interrupt I tend to tolerate your

frivolous attitude but you'll find that

Miss Courtney is a horse of a different

color oh blamey you should not be

calling Miss Courtney a horse I wasn't

although there may be a certain

resemblance Mr Brown please just a

minute Daniel I haven't finish it as I

was saying Miss Courtney will not be as

tolerant as I but on the other hand you

mustn't let her intimidate you she may

be a bit of an ogre but uh she's only

human exuse freeze Mr talking to you or

why are you constantly interrupting me I

think they are time to indicate my ah

Scot I didn't hear you come in obviously

how long have you been here long enough

and now Mr if you don't mind this horse

of a different color this human ogre

would like to find out how clever your

students are yeah well certainly they're

they're all

yours now who would like to be first

well don't all rush to

volunteer oh very well I will ask a

question and uh anyone who wishes May

answer now

then what is a

circumfix Oh Come A circum Lex c i r c u

m f l e

x i sure some already knows what a

circumplex is yes please good what is

it no milk

today I take your part so sorry

circumflex is a accent

mark would you bring me that piece of

paper piece which piece of paper the

piece you are hiding in your hand you

are meaning this

one thank

you Mr

Brown Mr Brown yes would you wait in the

corridor until I have finished with your

students well uh good and shut the door

after you ER Mr Brown yes you might as

well take this you may need it for your

milkman

now to

continue I am a foreigner n you are

English well let us imagine that I am a

foreigner please miss Courtney what kind

of Foreigner are you be does it matter

oh yes how can we be imagined when we

are not know what to Be

Imagined very well I am Russian and if

anyone says well am I Russian too I

shall

stream now Missi yeah I approach you in

the street and I say please will you

tell me the time what is your reply time

you bought yourself a

v that is extremely rude I do not like

Russians let's try you with some general

knowledge Mr

Sing where is uh Sydney outside cleaning

the corridor

not the caretaker the city thousand

apologies anybody

Australia good Mr naazi awesome what can

you tell me about the Duke of Windsor uh

which one there isn't one Duke of wio

not so near where I live there are three

duke of wio two Dukes of Cambridge and

one Prince of wils I was referring to

the person not a public

house does anyone know what the letters

GC mean giovan

Cella George cross what class is he

in I don't think I can stand anymore Mr

Brown finished already I am leaving

while I still retain some shred of

Sanity well you obviously didn't give

her very good answers not our fault

question were too difficult well you

just have have to work harder right it's

almost time to go now don't forget your

homework please see you

tomorrow oh God not

again haven't you finished it s I've

washed it twice well wash it again it's

still

dirty time to go home ell oh blimy I'm

not wanting to go what's the matter can

I be speaking to you most confidentially

yes of course you can far away what's

your problem you see my wife rihana

she's becoming another person oh dear

have you tried

hormones what that are you meaning well

I don't know much about these sex

changes oh no she's not doing anything

like that no but you just said she was

becoming another person yes she's

becoming another lady person not man

person oh I see you mean she's behaving

differently yes please she's making

phone calls and when I am coming in

she's hanging up chop

chop and at night times she's going out

leaving me in the house with the baby ah

I'm beginning to see

daylight of course it is not being dark

yet you have just had a baby no my wife

had the baby but that's it don't you see

lots of women change after they've had

babies it's called postnatal depression

I'm sure she'll get over it some night

she's not letting me sleep with her have

you thought about getting an opir oh

blimy she would not be letting me sleep

with an

OP I need to help with the baby sorry

please I also think she ought to see a

doctor oh no she's not liking doctors

very much but she ought to talk to

somebody perhaps you could talk to her

me yes please I hardly think I'm

qualified you must be helping me all

right I'll come home with you tonight

and we'll see what we can do J good yes

it's probably nothing

to come on s good night

s hello my beloved baby is fed Cur is in

oven I am going out where are you going

pleased to be minding your own business

he I'm bringing Mr Brown home hello Mr

Brown it is good of you to be keeping

Ali company yeah well actually I came to

well have a nice evening do not be

waiting up for me

Ali see see what I am meaning where is

she going what is she doing who is she

seeing well you wait here I'll follow

her and see where she

[Music]

goes

[Music]

[Music]

I cannot be staying late tonight I think

Ali is getting

[Music]

[Applause]

suspicious

enter I brought the stop room keys back

no thank you Sydney if you see Glades

tell her she can take my tray I take my

tray where you not you

Gladis oh oh you're wearing a black tie

Sydney yes I'm in morning 28 years to

the day happened oh dear the death of a

loved one now I got

married you're a real male chauvinist p

Pig pardon Pig oh you've met the wife

have

you that will do

Sydney yeah what the fellow I want hey I

want some advice from a man with

experience oh well I've been about a bit

what do you want to know well I need

your help as a married man oh I am sorry

you kept it dark I'm not married you are

oh don't remind me look son if you're

thinking of taking the plunge forget get

it it's worse than doing

porridge now what can I give you some

advice on I've changed my mind I don't

think you are qualified to help me I'll

ask Miss

Courtney is it CH what time am are you

referring to lend John oh no R is coming

to see Mr Brown this is Sid our caraker

man this is Mrs Nadim the wife of Ali

I'm very nice

too

coming Al I have been here we are making

for him a surprise it is thank you party

for being such good husband and giving

me beautiful baby but we are not wanting

him to be finding out no already he is

most suspicious with me going out to

arrange everything with rid oh don't

worry I won't tell a Dicky never mind

this

Dicky you should not be finding out

that's what I just said when's the

surprise tonight you are welcome to be

coming if you are wishing oh jamaa is

making lovely food and gladies is making

delicious cakes please where is Mr Brown

he's in Miss cley's office good I must

be asking him to be keeping Ali late

after class so all students can be

arriving for party before he is getting

home oh while you are seeing Mr Brown I

go to be speaking with Glades oh good

and you can buy me a nice cup of tea see

you later love

see who that is Mr

Brown it's her it tell's wife I wonder

what she wants are you sure you didn't

tell Ally about her Affair positive I

just told him I'd lost her well perhaps

he wants to confide in you because you

are Ali's friend couldn't she uh confide

in you certainly not it is your problem

you will deal with it I'll leave leave

you

alone Mr ragna see you now sorry about

that come in Rana sit down I am wanting

to be asking you something yeah well

before you do I've got something to tell

you please sit

down I am being waiting yes look firstly

tell me something do you love Val oh yes

very much indeed good good well what I

have to say is is rather delicate but

you you and Ellie are both sensible

intelligent people thank you and you've

been married for almost 2 years now and

you've now got a lovely little baby yes

well I I want you to know that I

understand how these things can happen

what things well not babies but um um

let me put it another way when two

people um have been married for a while

sometimes familiarity Creeps in two

people living together doing the same

things day after day seeing the same

faces it's only natural that uh

occasionally one of the parties feels

that something is missing some uh

excitement perhaps so it's not unusual

in these occasions for one of the

parties to meet somebody else uh to try

and recapture the first flush of romance

Mr Brown please let me finish let me say

just one thing the vital question you

must ask yourself it is whether to

lightly throw away what you have already

for some uh passing infatuation or to

rise above it and start aresh to ear is

human and to forgive Divine that's all I

have to to say oh I see now what was it

you wanted to ask me no it is not

important

now well Mr Brown how did you manage

extremely well I think Miss oh sorry I

was um very tactful and uh I think she

got the

message yeah are you all right it is Mr

Brown he is telling me something

terrible what is it it is my Ali he is

having affair with another

woman hello rangit good evening oh most

wise and illustrious one yes well I wish

I could say the same about you

incidentally before the other students

arrive I have something to tell you I

know everything that is why I'm calling

you most wise and

illustrious I mean about what you and

alie's wife have been up to thousand

apologies well I think it's Ally you

should be apologizing to why should I be

apologizing to Ali for your behavior

after all she is his wife I am knowing

that that is why we are keeping it

secret from

him you ought to be ashamed of yourself

oh no I am very pleased to be doing

it I am sure if she's asking you to do

the same You' be most happy to

apply I hardly think please not to be

telling Ali well I won't for his sake

not yours good we are not wanting him to

be finding out before tonight why

tonight tonight he'll be knowing

everything are you going to tell him no

he'll be seeing for

himself good Lord it'll be a big

surprise I think

it you are also coming to the party

tonight what party the one we have been

arranging for Ali I'm getting a bit

confused you are saying you are knowing

everything yeah well I just realized I

don't know quite as much as I thought I

did now tell me something rangie have

you been seeing Ali's wife most

certainly to be arranging the party for

him tonight at 10:00 and that's all just

a party

oh where brown one this is an English

class when you arrive here I expect you

to speak English no more buen notes good

evening s right

yeah

that's

better bua hey no buera speak it English

don't you tell me to speak it English

you great Spanish

onion I punch your head in you you

Italian ice cream all right you do sit

down you tell him but I'm telling both

of you you sit down it's all right it's

all right tell you what I told one this

is an English class and when you arrive

here I expect you to speak English no

more bonera good evening Ok

good I give

up oh good evening Jamila I have knit

for you a scarf oh very kind of

you very

patriotic quite long huh it is be start

as

pair of sois but I forget to turn around

he so I make it little bit more

longer well thank you very much sure

it'll come in

useful oh good evening Su Carl good

evening

yes right now be before we go

um before we go any further this evening

the uh education Authority are taking

some kind of census and require these

forms filling in so um it's

self-explanatory if You' complete them

now and then if you have any problems

don't hesitate to ask that's what I'm

here for right hey I have problem P how

can you have a problem you haven't even

looked at your form yet no

pen for a ah anybody else got a

pen good right now all you have to do is

fill in your surname your first names

your address in England your birth

occupation sex

marital status and what subject you're

taking excusi yes Jan I have had a

problem with my first names well surely

you know them sure Giovani Vincenzo

Marco Dino Alberto Lena yeah all right

so what's the problem I can't get them

on the paper don't just put as many as

you can Okie Ki M Brown please um I do

not know the name of the hospital where

I was born you don't have to put the

hospital just the town just the town

have you put the hospital too no place

where born

bed

finish good correction not so good for

the correct answer to sex is not at

least once a

week you should put male or female hey

not sex with

M only female

squeeze please I'm being late you almost

missed the

sensus rean is still being very

mysterious oh look don't worry

everything will be all right tonight at

10:00 all will be

revealed are you really sure Ali's

knocking about with another bird yes Mr

Brown would not be telling me lies yes

oh they're all Alik these men huh

doesn't deserve a party like this I am

being so unhappy I know what I would do

what kick him out Anna is right he's

being unfaithful he behaved like an

animal he deserves what he gets he does

hello my beloved don't you belove me

you what are you doing that for hey you

very bad man you Mr Brown is telling me

you are having girlfriend you damn fool

why are you saying that for I didn't

you've obviously misunderstood me you

are near breaking up my marriage I am

sorry Hari it is you I should be

throwing kakei at please you cannot be

throwing kakei at Mr Brown I will do

it

[Applause]

oh