Original subtitles

For over a year we spoke with young men who attend the Séro Zéro project for sex workers. This film relates those encounters.

MEN FOR SALE

How long have you been a sex worker'?

Five years.

- For five years? - Yeah.

- You started when you were 14'? - Yeah.

What made you start?

Easy money.

It's quick and easy.

Money and drugs.

That's it.

Why did you need money when you were 14 years old?

Drugs.

To get that fucking dope.

I started taking crack when I was 14.

I got into prostitution to pay for it.

It was quick and easy.

Did you start working with friends?

No, right here.

I was going by and someone said." "You wanna come with me?"

I Went. Gave me 100 bucks. Shit.

That's how I got into it.

Do you remember a for about the first time?

Yes.

How did it go?

Au right.

Fast.

Nothing sick.

Are there things you refuse to do?

For sure. Tons.

Like what?

Taking it in the ass. Never.

A thousand bucks'? Fuck you

Don't even think about it. Shit!

Anything with whips.

It makes me crazy.

Lots of things like that.

I can't even count how many.

November

November

So you got into drugs before prostitution?

'lea h. A little before.

Then at one point I got into prostitution to pay for my drugs.

What drugs do you do?

Cocaine.

Do you shoot?

Yeah, I shoot. I snort and I smoke Moo.

I've had that problem for a while.

It's a bit better now, getting better.

It's not too bad these last two months.

A while back, like, two months ago, I was pretty down.

Sick of life, you know, down pretty low.

My head wasn't really on straight, eh?

I was sick of everything. Didn't give a shit about life.

I've been through stages like that before.

Up and down.

One day you start taking things a bit easier.

Things get son of smooth, comfortable, a bit more relaxed.

Then it's not so hard to stay clean.

You just gotta get through times like that,

feeling unbalanced physically and mentally.

That's the way coke is;

like Bur not.

So usually it's 35 minutes for $20.

And we'll, like, stroke each other.

Depending on what the client wants,

you Know, give each other affection, have some fun.

You know, having fun together,

that's really what the customer wants sometimes.

But it's different with every client, a different show.

We all want different things, right?

One guy's gonna like one thing,

someone else is going to want it a bit different.

Are there things you refuse to do?

Yeah.

What do you refuse to do?

I don't let anyone penetrate me. Never tried.

Don't feel comfortable with it because it's not something I'd like.

Do a lot of clients ask you to do that?

Yeah, quite a few.

Some of them would've paid a lot of money.

Some offered me $ 150, $200. But I turned them down.

You turned them down.

You know about my heath,

sometimes they want a blow job

but I always use a condom, I always use protection.

I've always been real paranoid about my health,

even if I use.

I'm in pretty good health, for a user,

and I get tested once in a while.

I got tested not long ago, a month, maybe two weeks ago.

I'm really paranoid, but I try to be careful.

So when a client says he's going to pay me more money

if 1 don't wear a condom,

I tell him." "My health 's worth more than your money.

"If I lose my health, I can't buy it back with your money. "

I explain how it would weigh heavy on me afterwards.

I don't take chances.

Even if he sings that same old song about how he really wants it.

No way. No damn way.

I was supposed to get a place with one of my friends,

but then two days after we got here,

he took off

and it didn't really work out too good.

Everybody on the street downtown is in the same pattern.

You either sell drugs or you're a sex worker.

You meet a lot of people, and I met a guy who was doing that.

It's a good way to make money fast.

When you first do it, it's degrading,

but at some point you just get used to it.

Now I know lots of people,

and when I need a place to sleep, I know who to call.

It's easy.

I've never been in love.

But sometimes...

I've felt some strong feelings.

When a guy is sucking you off,

well, I'm not made of stone.

For sure I feel something.

You were talking about my first time.

I remember my first time,

how I liked Ba lot.

I really liked it.

But real feelings'? No.

- Do you have brothers and sisters? - Yes, three brothers.

Well, two brothers, a sister and a half-brother.

And where are they?

My brothers here. He's around.

But at the moment, he's in Bordeaux.

I have a sister in Dominique Savio, in a home there,

and a brother in Mont Saint-Antoine.

And my little brother, he's with my mother.

I don't really know where.

Have you ever lived with a client?

Yes, but 1 couldn't stand it.

It was like, "Have you washed behind your ears?"

Shit!

"Do your dishes." "They're in the dishwasher."

"Come on, rinse them." "I did."

"Put out your cigarette in an ashtray.

"You Know you can't empty the ashtray in that garbage."

No, I couldn't take it. Forget it!

"You're not my mother. You're telling me to clean my room?

"It's my room. I 'II do what I want. So get out."

How bong did that go on?

Three months, maybe?

Then I packed up and got the he" om of there.

So what do you think of them? Why do they pay someone to have sex?

Well, because they're-- They're hard up, man.

They're pathetic.

It's the only way they feel loved.

They think we love them. We don't give a shit.

We want them to empty their wallets, their bank account, and get out.

They don't get it.

We laugh at them.

But don't you think they have a clue?

I mean, you're 20 years younger than them.

The number of people who get screwed up every year...

You know, by us prostitutes in the gay section of Montréal...

You have any idea how many lives are totally messed up?

There's a guy who comes looking for some pot one night,

I tell him." "No, I can't find any pot, but I can get a rock.

It'll make you feel all raunchy."

Then he wants to try some and he gets hooked.

You empty his bank account together,

screw up his relationship with his wife.

Then he loses his job, loses everything.

That's what we do; we destroy lives.

And all we care about is getting crack.

We don't think about what we're doing. Really!

- I see. - Don't give a shit.

But they destroy your life too because they want you to keep on.

I know but I do it because I want to.

I never think about that. I just want my smoke of crack.

That's it.

And you say that, except for one guy in Ontario,

you've never been friends with anybody?

No.

So you think they're just idiots

who imagine you're going to love them?

Pretty much.

There are tons who say like." "I love you. I'm in love."

Come on!

You don't think that they know beforehand

that you won't fall in love with them?

They know it deep down,

but they tell themselves." "He loves me. "

He goes: "It's you! Empty your pockets!"

“Look, I don't feel like it.

"You're not my mother. Get lost. "

He goes: "I'm sure it's you!"

I say." "So what? You got a problem with that?"

He then says: "I've got you on my list.

"I have your face printed on my brain."

I go." "Just as well! You'll soon have my fist printed on your face!"

- You bought a bullet-proof vest? - Yeah, my father gave it to me.

He said: "You reached an age when you need one."

But now I'm moving on. Previously, I was afraid to work.

I'm depressed and prostitution is. ..

If your working in prostitution at! the time,

eventually you want to get out.

But I don't want to get out of it completely.

When I was working, I still had clients during the week,

and money was coming in pretty well there.

I had my clients and I had my job.

It was good.

I was watching my money because I was really working for it.

It's different with a regular job.

When all your money comes from prostitution,

it's gone right away,

because you want to have fun with it.

What do you blow your money on?

You 're not someone who does crack, right

I'm someone who does some drugs, yeah,

but I spend a lot.

I drink, I go out to bars.

I like gambling and treating my friends.

You said you like treating your friends...

I'm also trying to get off crack a bit.

I still do it, but...

That's how you blow your money?

Yeah, and that's the reason it isn't good for me.

It's bad for my health.

If I was working, I wouldn't be doing drugs.

I'd have a drink, but I wouldn't take drugs.

What I'm planning to do is go away to San Francisco

and deal with grown men there.

I don't want to do it anymore with young guys in Los Angeles.

I'm planning to grow a little beard,

get a tattoo and muscle up.

I'll get a little cap.

I'll look great! I'll! be a star again!

I 'II be Danny Brown again, but just a bit older.

So I was saying I wanted to show you something.

I made a compilation of my films,

so when I have clients up, I get it all ready.

I put it on so they can see that.

I did a scene where I had lots of pleasure.

It was with a gorgeous young boy

who looked just like Prince William.

Identical. He was so gorgeous.

And he had a dick that was 9 or 10 inches long.

- Where was this? - Los Angeles.

That scene took 45 minutes to shoot.

Usually it takes at least four hours.

The producer said: "Look, I'll give you this boy.

"We have two camera s, so try to do it fast."

We were in a garage,

and you couldn't do scenes like that

in the City of Los Angeles.

ll was illegal. K's probably legal now.

I also have my film from when I was 16 years old.

There is no sound on it.

It was made on 8mm,

but I figured out how to get it on a cassette.

Anyway, I have it.

If you want to see it I can show Mo you.

Did we unplug your television?

Yeah.

In those days, I was well-bum.

I worked out a lot.

It's too bad. K should be dearer.

It's too bad. K should be dearer.

There.

That's you there?

Yeah. Well, there you go.

Doesn't he book like Prince William?

That's one of the first ones you did out there?

I think it was in the middle. I was, well, getting popular.

How old were you?

I was 24. He was 18.

It was his first film

and the first time he'd ever been with a man.

When he tried to do the other scene with someone else, he couldn't come.

With me, he did fine.

So, do you want to see the one from France?

We're going to out it. Cut out the explicit parts.

I've copied them all. I put them one after the other.

Because clients like to watch me.

I'm getting sick of seeing them.

When a client says." "I want to make love with it on!"

I go." "On, no! I'm going to jerk off while watching myself again!"

I hate having sex when my own films are on.

- I hate it. - Like having sex with yourself?

Yeah, and how many times do you think I've seen it?

Probably 2,000 or 3,000 times.

It gets boring!

But the clients love it.

And if he's impressed, he thinks:

"Hey I've never made love with someone who's made a film!"

That pays well, for sure.

That one's called The Runner,

and the other one I made, that I star in,

is called On Fire.

I play a pyromaniac, who sets everything on fire.

There I am, on the light.

Everyone was all nervous

because they had to deal with an American star.

Al! stressed out.

- I've made 150 films. - That's a lot.

I've made some with women, too.

And I've made some with transvestites.

I don't discriminate.

There are straight guys who can't make it with women.

I can. No problem.

I'm comfortable in from of a camera.

I enjoy it.

A real disco atmosphere!

Those were the good old days, the best years of my life.

I quit school to go to the Jardin disco club

and dance all night.

I couldn't do that when I was living at home.

I wasn't even allowed to dance with girls.

My grandmother wouldn't let me go to the hotel.

Everyone else was allowed.

When I first went to the Montreal gay bars,

I said: "Hey! Wait a minute!

I thought I was going to a bar, where girls dance with guys.

When I got there, I couldn't see any girls, just guys.

I leaned against the wall, and thought."

“Wow, what's all this?

"Shit, I'm leaving school right away."

December

Did you get a formal accusation today?

The only thing I'm accused of

is soliciting for the purposes of prostitution.

And that doesn't constitute a criminal record?

Right, it's not a criminal record.

At least, I hope not. I can't afford to have a record.

I'm not a criminal.

No, for sum.

I am not a criminal.

So I get arrested.

There I am, sitting in the park, and a car stops.

It's really a cop. I never even talked money with him.

He was propositioning me,

so I would get arrested for solicitation.

I was completely shocked.

They didn't take me to the station. They took me down to the old port.

They wanted to make a deal with me.

They said: "You work with us and we'll drop the charges."

But I refused, so they got me for that.

I was in a real rage.

I was ready to throw myself in from of a police car.

I figured he'd run me over and I'd be dead, end of story.

Do you have clients who could help you?

Guys with connections?

I don't think I want to talk about that.

No?

I've had, like, even politicians.

There are elections coming up,

so I don't think I should talk about it.

The guys who vote for laws against us

are the ones who come looking for us at night.

No, but really, you see what I mean?

Yeah, I see that.

The judges who make the rulings come to Champlain Street.

I've had judges.

What kind of morality is that?

You use young boys

and then act like a saint in the daylight.

But at night, you are the devil incarnate.

It made me stronger, you know.

I feel very strong today.

I guess it was my fate.

I was a bit naive, so I had to learn the hard way.

It was just for the kick...

to find out if I was capable,

H I could make money selling my body.

I didn't think guys could do it.

It was the opposite.

It wasn't just possible, it was easy.

With it being so easy...

it's hard to go om and work after that.

The money you can get in a night or a week

'is Pretty good.

Even if sometimes it's pitiful,

the things guys will ask you

to do for 20 bucks or 40 bucks.

It's depressing.

Once I got a woman as a client.

It was...

It was real pleasant.

Move than with a man?

Well, the situation was different.

The woman's husband paid me.

So he was Watching us the whole time.

It was really something hard, to be able to get it up

and then to screw her in front of her husband .

Her husband can tell how much she's enjoying it.

I kind of freaked out.

And you think." "Is he going to kill me, or what?"

I know I wouldn't be able to deal with it.

Wouldn't put up with it.

At one point I got scared.

I saw she was really getting off,

and I thought." "Maybe I 'd better stop.

"He's going to panic and jump on me.

"Let's stop it. I'll get my money and go. "

It lasted a long time, two hours. I earned my money that time.

When you started using, what did you take?

Rock?

- Some rock. - Yeah.

- You didn't shoot? Just smoked? - Uh...

- Both? - Yeah, both.

OK, but is there one that works better for you?

Well, right now I get more of a bang om of shooting up coke.

How some?

When I see people who smoke rock, I invite them to smoke with me.

And also not to give in and buy powder.

First of all, it's more intense.

Second, it's good.

It's really good when you do it, but afterwards it's so bad.

How long does the buzz last?

- 5 minutes. - 5 minutes.

When I got out of prison...

I had good strong lungs. I could take deep breaths.

Now I'm shun of breath, gasping all the time,

like coke has got me all messed up, tense.

On coke, I'm tense.

I haven't eaten all day and I'm all cramped up.

I get tensed up, and the longer! go without eating,

the more I use and the more tense I get.

So when you're high, you'd be sitting there,

with your back like this...

Usually I more pride than that.

But when I'm high on dope I get like that.

So they removed you from your home?

A social worker took me away.

How old were you when they took you?

About H or 12.

They said it wasn't the best place for a child.

You witnessed too much violence.

I saw it. I got it, too.

I got hit, got some bruises and that kind of thing.

It wasn't against me.

Wasn't against you but you got hurt anyway?

It was my dad. He was doing it to himself.

I dunno. It was his problem.

I don't know.

He probably couldn't cope.

He maybe wasn't ready...

I figured out what was happening.

It wasn't because I deserved it.

Actually he was out of control. He had a problem with alcohol.

Did you understand then, or are you just figuring Rom now?

At 13 or 14, I knew what was going on.

You knew it wasn't your fault.

Yeah, in bed at night, I wondered about a bi of things.

At one point I finally figured it out.

Did you have brothers and sisters at home?

I've got a brother.

How did he handle it?

He can't really remember it too well.

I was 6 when it was happening. I remember more.

I think he was 3 and I was 6.

Were you already hyperactive at the time?

I became super active.

That's pretty normal.

But when I was born, I was normal.

The doctor told my parents that I was a healthy little boy

normal and all that.

You saw too much for someone so young.

I saw too many things I shouldn't have.

I was traumatized.

Whether you like it or not, it stays in your head.

But when you grow up, you have to get rid of that.

You have to move on.

How old ave you?

22 years old.

How long have you been working in the sex trade?

It's been six years. - Six years?

Yeah, I started when I was 12, but really it's been six years.

And when it started, how did it happen?

It started at a peep show with my brother.

That's where I got my first client.

It was straight off like that." first client, first smoke of crack.

Prostitution, yeah, but! started to use crack again when I was 16.

Not all the time, just once in a while.

Just for the trip, you know.

But at one point, you get hooked.

When I got out of the group home, I started drinking seriously.

Then I was inside until I turned 19.

I got a year,

Then when I got out, I started prostitution

and using for real.

So now are you using as much'? Did that change?

It's always the same; It hasn't changed.

It's been a long time, I've reached my limit.

That's what I was going to ask.

Do you feel like it's more under control?

I feel I don' have any comm! over it

It's all the time. Always, always, always.

Then at a certain point, it gets boring.

And how about your health?

Are you looking after yourself a bit?

Yeah, Christ, I'm healthy.

AK least I've got that.

I may not eat every day but my health is good.

- Mathieu, do you have the Keys'? - No.

I had a friend doing it. I watched what he was doing.

In the end I couldn't sell anything, because the police knew me too well.

I couldn't do it anymore, but I wanted to make money.

But a lot of money, fast. No risk.

I saw him do it and I said: "Christ, show me how you do it."

He showed me what to do, and I got in someone's car.

I'm not a fag. I like women.

But it was a way to make money fast and get coke fast.

So I kept on doing it.

But it led to crack.

Then I shot up, then crack again. Since then, it hasn't stopped.

Do you have clients who pay you in drugs sometimes instead of-

No, never. I always want money.

Like it or not,

when you've been using with a client,

when it's over, there's nothing left.

You're in withdrawal. You're lit up like a TV.

You have to go out and you don't have a cent,

and it's late at night and you can't get any clients.

For me it's automatic I need money.

I don't want to go out in withdrawal.

Who knows what I'll do?

Hold up someone or a variety store or something.

I don't want to stoop to that kind of thing.

Sometimes clients refuse to pay.

Then I have to fight back.

I don't like doing that,

because there's a lot of violence and assaults on my record.

When you hit them they call the police and the charges get worse.

I can't afford to get in a fight.

But I have no choice, because I have to get paid somehow.

If I don't fight, they don't pay.

So I ended up on my ass.

I was standing on the bed, he didn't want to pay

and he grabbed me by the leg,

so I fell off.

Then I realized: "Whoa! I shouldn't be the one falling."

Sol Kicked him in the face, gave him two smacks and he fell,

and I told him to pay me or else.

He paid me.

My leg still hurts, and it's been two weeks now.

Usually clients aren't like people think.

Maybe for girls it's not the same thing.

They get shun changed and beaten up and stuff like that.

Gays are pretty clean. They're not violent.

I've never had any trouble with anybody so...

It's them who get beaten up?

Some of them do.

I never robbed anyone,

but some people get off sexually on that.

They like getting slapped around.

You see some weird things.

You're laughing, but if you saw it,

I tell you, you wouldn't be laughing.

You said you were 23?

Yeah, I just turned 23 in October, (he 25th.

And how long have you been doing sex work?

I started in May 2002. It'll be four years next May.

I've been doing it for more than 40 months.

Quite a while.

How did you get started?

Before! did this, I was into stealing cars.

At the end, I was in a bind, because I 'd lost my contact.

Someone said." "Go into the Village, look for so-and-so. "

And I went.

My friend left with someone to go take pictures.

We were on the street and needed cash fast.

I was waiting at the comer of Champlain and Same-Catherine,

and a guy came up to me saying,

"Hi, what are you up to?" Blah, blah, blah.

He asked me my name and how old I was.

I was 19, 1 think.

So he says: "If I give you 40 bucks can I suck you off?"

I was in trouble.

I stole cars and! did two years.

After that, I wasn't interested.

It pays to work the streets, but...

But before you did it, did you know you could?

- No, no. - Not at all?

No way. That's why I was surprised.

"40 bucks? You want to suck me off? Sure, OK. Go for it. "

How much do you charge?

Average.

It went down in time because of all the competition.

I'm not 19 anymore.

Most guys get off on the really young boys,

but people have different tastes.

There's this Marco guy; he's 42 and he's still there!

When I'm going through withdrawal and need some coke

and it's cold out,

doing it in somebody's car for 15 minutes

and getting out with 20 bucks is OK.

It's just a blow job, not anal.

Or somebody gives me 40 or 50 bucks and drives me back.

When I started, I made $500 a day during the week.

On weekends, a thousand, two thousand bucks.

There was always lots of Work. Now it's not the same.

I'll make maybe $500 on the weekend, and $150, $200 during the day.

Still, it's cash.

Since I've been here, I think I've made about 400,000 bucks.

And that's all gone into drugs?

Yeah, since June 2003, it's all gone into drugs.

Every PENNY.

Since I started shooting up, I keep trying to stop,

even if I tell myself not to use,

I end up using every time I have a client.

It's psychological. Fm not gay,

but I just gave a 50-year-old guy a blow job.

Maybe he came all over my face,

and I don't want to think about it, so...

I didn't get into it because I had problems.

It was just some idea I got into my head.

- It just took off like that. - Right.

I'll take that off latex.

At the end there are two doors. Take the one oh the left.

Some guy saw me on the street and asked me if! needed to shit.

"Yeah." "Come over to my place."

"A cross from TVA."

He takes a plate and says: "Can you shit on this?"

Then he told me I could go.

I'm getting dressed and I hear the microwave.

It starts smelling like shit.

He ate it off the plate.

I don't even think it's sexual. I think he's a psychopath, maybe.

It's fucked up!

He paid you to do that?

Oh, yeah! 80 bucks for shitting on a plate

May as Well shit on a plate instead of in the bowl!

As long as you don't offer me a bite.

Are there things you refuse to do with your clients?

The only wing people have asked me to do and I said no

is going off in my mouth.

It's happened, but I've never swallowed.

I'd never swallow sperm,

or eat or drink piss or any bodily fluids.

The worst thing that's happened is an S&M guy whipped my ass.

My ass was black and blue afterwards.

It hurt badly and it was degrading.

Are there a lot of guys into S&M?

Enough. Usually it's guys who want it done to them.

There's one guy who isn't really into S&M

but he likes his nipples pinched really hard.

Stupid things like that.

The worst S&M guy I know is a lawyer! met once.

He's siting on the bed.

I'm on a chair, but with my boots on.

It was winter. I was wearing my boots.

I Kept my clothes on. He was wearing a sweater.

But he was naked from the waist down.

We're smoking crack back and forth

We do that for two hours.

All I do is crush his balls with my boots.

You know, Makes all kinds.

He's a lawyer, a smart guy, but for him, sex...

People, in general, really don't get gays.

What's a gay'? What's it like being gay?

They just get off on men instead of women.

How is a gay guy different? It's just sex, that's all.

You've walking down the street,

are you supposed to be able to tell what his kick is?

You don't freak out.

He gets off on that. No big deal.

You get off on one thing; he gets off on something else.

It's just sex. K doesn't change who they are.

I know some good clients I can talk to.

Some ave even friends now.

January

January

I met this Black guy from Montréal in Quebec City.

He was looking for women prostitutes in Quebec City.

Sol told him where it Was. Then I asked him:

"Do you know where there's a place for male prostitutes in Montreal?"

He said yes.

Since 1 did him favour,

the next day he gave me a lift to Champlain Park,

to show me where it is.

So you left with him the next day?

Yeah.

How did you know ahead of time you wanted to get into prostitution?

Well, for the money!

How did you Know how much to charge and all that?

At first I didn't charge much.

But they told me: "You have to charge more,"

"because you cant undercut the others.

"It's not fair that they're all coming to you."

How much were you charging at first?

I was changing $20.

And now?

I charge $40 or $60.

What do you do for the different prices?

How do you negotiate with clients about money?

Do you have different prices for different things you do?

No, sometimes it'll be $40 and other times $60.

If the client offers me $30, I take it.

You know...

You said that you worked a lot this summer.

How many clients would you say you had in a day?

In a day? At least 30 clients.

- Per day'? - Per day.

Man, you were working hard!

Yeah.

First day I got here, I made $600.

But it went fast, because I was doing ecstasy.

I was doing it when I was working the streets.

I smoked a lot of pot when I was working.

Then I'd eat, buy my smokes and clothes.

You know, I was covering the basics.

When I went home to Quebec City,

I bought an Allo-Stop card, car-pooled.

Does your mother Know you do prostitution?

Well, she says I should get out,

find a real job,

because it doesn't pay all that we...

She says." "You never know what someone could do to you.

"You could be doing a client and the guy kills you.

"Rapes you and locks you up and throws you in the river.

"You never know."

When you walk, do you think about that?

Yeah, I do.

Like, I was doing stupid things.

You Know, like, We animal noises in high school.

Like...

Like pig noises and things like that.

Everyone looks at you like they're in their last year

and you've just started high school.

They treat you like you're in kindergarten,

like you're some stray dog that's followed them to school.

Are you saying you looked younger than you were?

Yeah, quite a bk.

And you were making animal noises to scare them away?

No, to make them laugh.

But they weren't laughing with me; they were laughing at me.

That's how it was.

What's the connection between that and prostitution?

Huh?

You were saying that's why you got involved in the sex trade?

Yeah.

Well, you know, I had a lot of problems with my parents.

What's that got to do with prostitution?

- It was to get back at them. - Really?

To get back at the world for making me do things,

or to get back at my parents for what they did to me.

Things that led me to prostitution.

Prostitution was something I knew I'd end up doing.

Like, in school, I figured I 'd end up killing myself.

Prostitution was a step towards suicide,

like getting STDs.

I mean, I wear protection, so it didn't work out.

I ended up in another jam.

So for you prostitution is like suicide?

Yeah, like, I wanted to get an STD and die from it 10 years later.

It looks like that didn't work out?

No, because I guess I'm protecting myself.

So you didn't really want to kill yourself?

- No. - OK.

You wanted to get back at people, your pa rents?

Yeah, because of my past. My mother didn't really love me.

She liked my sister better and that really hurt me.

Now my step-father is in prison.

So I have too many things to deal with...

things that ave hard to get oven.

When you're a kid and your mother doesn't love you,

when she ignores you, it affects you.

That's why I wanted to kill myself.

I spent Christmas until New Year's with my sugar daddy

one of my clients,

and we did 4,000 bucks of powder.

Did you stay at his place the whole time?

Yeah, that': light.

We didn't do anything. We've been together for two yea rs.

For the first year, I acted like I was his boyfriend.

I manipulated him a lime bit.

Then he realized it wasn't because I loved him,

and now he doesn't care.

We don't even have sex anymore.

I spent a week with him and I didn't do a thing.

We did 4,000 bucks of powder.

Is that a place you can stay when--

No, no way. Not anymore.

No, 1 blew it there.

I brought girls back. I stole some stuff.

So he's not interested in me anymore.

Eventually clients catch on that you're shooting up

and they get scared.

I still have some regulars who don't care.

They see I haven't really changed.

Why are they afraid of that?

HIV. They're afraid of getting sick.

Understandable.

When Wasn't shooting up,

I had the same prejudices towards junkies.

They have AIDS, this and that.

But you said you've managed to keep yourself safe so far.

With clients, yes.

Lately I've done some stupid stuff with syringes.

Before I went to get my results, I was going nuts.

My test results had been in for a month.

I was scared to go in. I was sure I had AIDS, but I didn't.

It turned out it was OK. I didn't have HIV.

I am so glad. K was a relief.

But 1 still have some doubts,

because even a month ago, I was stupid about it.

Even last month, I went out one night at about 4:00 a.m..

Fuck-all was open. I had some powder but no syringes.

I went over Jacques Cartier Bridge a few times.

There ave always syringes there.

I grabbed a syringe and rinsed it out with water.

I burned the needle with a lighter.

That's not very bright.

I've reached that point.

Bu! when you take a test and come out clean,

doesn't that encourage you to be careful?

Sure, sure, I was happy and everything.

But in the end, I always end up doing the same damn thing.

Has it been long since you've had a relationship with a girl?

Since November, since I went back to my ex,

who is pregnant by me.

I found out last week it's a boy.

That's great.

She had more ultrasounds and we're gonna have a boy.

- But you're still seeing her'? - It's been a week.

- You see her once in a while? - Yeah, yeah.

She's here in Montréal?

It's been a week since I saw hey.

I think she's in Saint-Jean at her grandparents'.

- Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu? - Yeah.

Can I go to the toilet'? I need to go.

- Yeah, no problem. - I need to go right away.

You know where it is, eh?

For you, how do you see prostitution?

You're straight, and you regularly have sex with men.

Yeah, but I'm just providing a service.

I don't get turned on.

- Never even'? - No.

You manage to provide good service?

Yeah. Oh yeah.

There are customers who want to see you get hard,

and I can arrange that.

If it is a regular customer,

I'll be sober or high on pot.

That helps.

I watch a skin flick or something.

Some customers need that.

Three-quarters of the sex workers don't get hard-ans.

Even 90% of them.

When I'm not really stoned

and 1 have a skin flick to watch,

loan manage.

If she's not there, I won't get sex tonight and I 'II end up broke.

If she's there, I'll! have fun.

I won't shoot up and I 'II be very happy.

It's something I've done, yeah.

- For fun. - For fun.

Do you think that prostitution

is a way of figuring out your own sexuality?

A way to discover who you are?

Yea h, sure, if you're trying to find yourself.

If you're trying to figure out your sexual orientation,

don't go to a fucking sweet comer.

It's not good. WI! throw you off balance.

But in my case, I think it led me to think about things.

That's (o; sure.

When you've been doing it for 60 days,

or one month, six months, you know,

at one point, like it or not, you're going to wonder."

"How come I'm still here?"

You ask yourself this. K's normal.

And whether you like it or not,

after the 18th client, and you stop feeling like throwing up,

and you start wondering, you know.

I didn't grow up in a good family.

My mother was a stripper,

so I didn't really have a great family life.

But you still spent time with hes'?

- No. - Never?

Well, until 1 was 9.

After that, I wasn't with her anymore.

I only knew her until then.

In your experiences with foster care,

were there some good times?

In my opinion?

- Of course, in your opinion. - None.

You never had a good experience there.

I did a cooking course there, but that's it.

Was there any Kind of relationship during those years?

Anything with one of your workers or a relative?

I don't let anyone get attached. I don't get attached to people.

I don't like to feel tied to people.

I don't like getting to know people.

I don't want to start trusting them. I don't know.

Is it because you're afraid of losing them?

No, I don't know. Maybe I'm just a loner.

Do you see yourself staying that way all your life?

For a while longer yet, for sure. A good while.

At least another 20 years. Yeah.

You'll be 41.

There was this girl who was getting paranoid about me.

She had a buzz on or something.

She beat me with a baseball bat

because she thought I had stolen 140 bucks from her that morning.

But I didn't.

And my three best friends took her side.

They believed her.

One even hit me with a baseball bat. One of my best friends.

What can I say'? That's how it goes.

But nothing was broken?

No.

Did they hit you on the head?

Well, yeah, twice on the head,

on my arms, my shoulder, my back, my kegs.

How long ago did that happen?

- About a week, two weeks ago. - Oh yeah?

For the last two weeks, I haven't done any crack.

You're kidding!

I smoke pot, and that's it.

It's real tough,

because tomorrow one of my friends who's waking for me

will get his welfare cheque tomorrow.

It's tough. We'll fee! like buying crack.

But I don't want to,

because things are going so well right now.

Now when I'm at Pop 's, I'm trying to get back on track.

I've stopped spending all my time sleeping on couches.

I'm looking for a job, hoping to get an apartment.

I want to spend my first cheque on something besides getting stoned.

I'm sick of this, cashing my cheque and heading for my pusher.

I'm fed up.

I'm going to cash my cheque and run to pay rent now

instead of getting stoned.

I won't even need welfare

'cause I'll find a job and be, like...

a normal person.

You said you made some New Year's resolutions?

Yeah, you can say it's pretty tough

because, you Know, as soon as you've got a bit of cash,

you go off to get crack.

That makes it hard to quit.

Like, when you have people Knocking on your door at 4:00 a.m.

and they just use crack under your nose,

that makes you want to smoke crack.

This last week, I spent four days without sleep

because there were tons of people who came over.

So I always came back with money to buy stuff then I took off again.

Willy isn't happy with me this week,

because yesterday I blew it.

I was in the shower doing crack with someone I didn't know,

and Willy came in.

I spent the night outside 'cause Willy threw me out.

He said I had no right to do that kind of thing in the bathroom.

I should've been here with him.

So that changes things a bk.

Why were you in the bathroom? Your friend didn't want to come up?

It was because I didn't want to do any with Willy.

The guy offered me some and asked if! knew a place to go.

I said: I have a place and it's warm."

"Let's go downstairs in the shower, so my roommate won't see us. "

- So he felt betrayed? - Yea h.

Last night I had a client, right?

He paid up and everything.

And so...

A client came, and I said." "Don't open the door to anyone."

Everybody opens the door.

I said." "Don't open the door I'm with a client."

Whenever we have rock, I say not to open the door,

because everyone comes over here to get some.

It's our place and we don't owe anybody anything.

Sometimes I just want to be alone with Willy.

I want to smoke crack just with him.

I like being alone with him. We talk and it's cool.

When everyone comes to your door

and wants to get crack (mm you...

No, man, do something else for a change,

Just do what we do.

Yesterday he left. I kicked him out.

He called the police and the cops arrived.

I even hit him because I was really tense.

The policemen were guys I know.

They gave me the same advice they've been giving me for months,

and they're fight.

What advice?

"Listen, get out of this area. Get out of Montréal. "

They tell me: "You're not like the guys around here."

"You've got an education."

They know a lot about me. They talked to me a long time.

We've talked, you know.

H': a disaster.

A real disaster.

What do you mean a disaster'?

Well, because I never manage to do what I have in mind.

So I come up with something else.

What do you think about at times like that?

I can't tell you.

I want to take a trip, a real long trip.

Because most people say that to get off crack

they absolutely have to go away.

Yeah, but I want to take a very long trip.

Because you're feeling desperate?

You don't think you can get out of it?

Desperate is saying a bit much.

It's more like...

I don't have the energy, any strength.

The strength to do what?

To, I don't know, to do anything.

I don't have the strength.

Even my brain doesn't Know how to think anymore.

Is that because of drugs?

It's everything. Partly because of the drugs.

Some things that happened, but mostly the drugs.

If anyone could get me om of here...

But on my own, I don't know.

Are you going to take care of your child?

'lea h, that's why I'm at Pop's.

It's ridiculous because it doesn't pay well,

but it gives me back a bit of self-esteem.

If I can tough out a few months, I'll be able to give it up.

I could get a real job now,

but the first cheque I'd get would go right into my vein.

I worked all summer at Moe's Deli and Bar,

at Sherbrooke and Pie IX.

I was a waiter, and every night I made 60, 80 bucks.

I finished my shift at 11:00,

at midnight I was shooting up at my pusher's place,

and at 1 :00, I was on the street corner,

walking the street still wearing my Moe's Deli and Bar uniform!

It wasn't great!

I gotta be able to Keep the drugs and the job under control.

I have to try hard. It's less risky to work there.

If I miss a day they won't fire me because they know I have a problem.

Other places, they say: "You're a junkie? Screw off."

Yeah, for sure.

So things are going better'?

Yeah, yeah.

My arms aren't too bad, but it shows under the light.

It's been four days. Fm working out.

Check this out. Good arms for a junkie, eh?

I'm not skinny. Pm pretty well-bum.

I book after myself.

In this business, if you're a mess

you make less money.

Sometimes they'll pick up guys who are a mess too.

Once I was getting out of the hospital,

I'd just signed a refusal of treatment

and I got out because I wanted to get high.

So I ended up back here.

I lost my socks in the hospital

so I had little, blue hospital socks sticking out of my shoes.

Yeah, there are some guys who are screwed up.

For girls, it's a lot worse.

I've seen them leave with electrodes still on their arms

or stinking out of their bra.

They get into a guy's car and there's blood everywhere.

People are fucked up . The 21st century is fucked up.

When we were talking last time, you were inside for a while.

- Yeah. - How long were you in for'?

- Seven months. - Seven months?

When you got out, I bet you wanted some?

Yeah, it was right away that time.

- Yeah. -Yeah.

Was that the first time you were in for that Bong?

Format long, yeah.

Before, it was like two Weeks, a month.

It was because of-

What was it'? That thing about the assault.

Robbery with firearms causing bodily harm.

And when you get out of jail,

are you dying to do drugs as soon as you can?

You want to, because you can't when you're inside.

It's really expensive.

So you really want it, when you come out.

At least four or five grams a day, for sure.

Four to five grams a day every day?

Well, e very day until I get fed up.

I take a break when I amino messed up.

You Know, when you can't even stand up.

Do you carry on until you're too messed up?

Often, yeah.

But I mean, you'll get too worn out, week after week like that.

Yeah, I get some rest. I stop for a few days.

Then I get going again when I'm in better shape.

Idem know my own strength.

Last time I got into a fight,

I Knocked him out and he ended up in the hospital.

I could have killed him, you know?

That wasn't yesterday?

No, that's why I ended up in jail.

OK.

So I'm Kind of afraid of myself, you know?

- OK, I hear you. -Yeah.

I know this sounds like basic psychology,

but when you were little, did you get beaten up?

Yeah, by my father. My father beat me.

I kept all that stuff inside

and when I get into a fight, Rail comes out.

You said it was your birthday yesterday?

Yea h, yesterday was my birthday.

You've how old?

I turned W.

Did you celebrate?

No, not really. Fm going to celebrate Wednesday.

Tomorrow.

What ave you going to do?

I'm going to, well, do some crack.

And I don't know what else. Take it easy.

I dunno.

Do you have a piece to stay?

Well, I go to the shelter. I had a place but I screwed it up.

I ended up on the streets because of my mistake.

How did you screw it up?

I stole some money from my brother because I had a relapse.

I didn't mean to, but I wasn't thinking.

So I did the wrong thing and that's what happened.

He kicked you out?

Well, he didn't really throw me out.

He didn't know at first that I was gone.

And afterwards, I didn't cal! him back.

You just Jeff and didn't come back.

Yeah, he found out, but Fm taking my time.

I made a mistake, and Fm going to make it up to him.

We all make mistakes.

My first client gave me 15 bucks.

I didn't even know what a rock was.

He conned me real bad.

Sometimes I see him here, but he doesn't remember me.

I remember him, though.

So that's what it was like the first few times.

[was a bit shy but...

Once, when I was 11, I was abused.

But it wasn't really abuse. K was...

What we s it?

The guy took advantage of me, without me knowing it.

- He used me. - That's abuse, man!

Abuse, but not violent abuse. I had a good relationship with him.

But with time, I realized that it wasn't really right.

Abuse ism just getting beat up.

- No, no. - There's also psychological abuse.

Yeah, sexual and psychological too.

I was doing something, but I thought it was OK.

[was 11 years old, and he kept building up my trust.

I never felt uncomfortable with him. I always felt good.

But after a while, my mother asked what was going on.

She had seen what was going on.

I went into foster care, then into a group home.

Because of that?

Not because of that. Because I was stealing cars.

I got caught because I got into an accident.

- When you were 11'? -Yeah, I was stealing cars.

My father stole cars and he showed me how.

I used to play around in the car. I drove around.

Eleven years old.

I Knew how to drive. I still know how to drive.

I got into an accident with a Tempo.

I had stolen it. It's not much of a car but-

- Did you steal it by yourself? - Yeah.

The gin left her Keys in the other car.

I got in and took her keys.

So afterwards I went into a group home

and I had a social worker

and I ran away all the time to go back to my parents'.

Finally my mom put me in the Cité des Prairies

and I did six years there, from 12 to 17.

Have you ever had a sugar daddy?

No, I've never been interested.

No shylock, no sugar.

All the shit that goes with it doesn't interest me.

I don't want to be with some guy who bothers me every morning.

Who comes and asks me to give him a kiss.

Screw your kisses.

I do what I want.

I like drugs.

I don't like sex. I don't know why I don't like it.

Maybe because of what happened when I was 11.

It's like a Kind of block. Bu! it's just as we...

Did the abuse last long?

No, a year.

It stopped.

How old was the guy?

He was 25.

It could have been worse.

And did he get caught?

Yeah, 1 told on him.

Oh, he got caught because--

I eventually told on him, because I could see it wasn't safe.

He said he'd Kill my mother if! said anything.

I finally told on him.

Did he get arrested?

Yeah.

I saw him at St. Luc Hospital about a year ago.

I looked at him sideways, shit! I don't know if he recognized me.

He didn't say anything.

All those morons do it

to people who can't defend themselves.

But that Kind of thing doesn't happen anymore.

Did he go to prison for that?

Him? Yeah, he did.

I don't Know for how long, but I know he did.

It's eves'?

Bye! See you soon.

Thanks.

Happy birthday.

Thanks.

Bye .

February

February

I decided to stop taking shit from people.

I show them that I'm no asshole and that they cant mess with me.

I got some gloves,

because I started beating up the people who owe me money.

I got gloves because you never know what could happen.

I don't want to get AIDS after punching someone's mouth.

- Want a smoke? - Yes, please.

So I got the gloves.

You know, one of the guys has AIDS.

- Waiter! - Keep it.

So is that all sorted out?

Yes, it is.

Because last time you came, it had just happened.

I saw her two weeks ago at Papineau metro station.

- She was your friend. - She's my ex.

She invited me to Hotel Dorian

to smoke a joint and talk things over.

So we talked.

While we watched the hockey game, I was in bed screwing her.

Great talk, eh?

She beat me with a bat and I can still have sex with her.

It doesn't add up!

I totally lost it,

thinking about how she beat me and I could still screw her.

Ouch! And there's a score. "Yes, yes, yes!"

I'm screwing her and she beat me up.

Yes! The Canadians! Anyway, it's mixed up in my head.

It must be.

I was watching hockey, screwing her and thinking at the same time.

- What was her explanation? - I never found out.

You never found out?

No, she's paranoid.

She was paranoid and thought it was me.

She said: "You're one of the few who never used me,

"who never stole from me, who never did anything to me.

"With all the people around me who steal from me,

"lie to me and screw me behind my back,

"someone must have made it up."

She thought it was me who started it all.

Well, I admit I started somethings like that.

I'm not a moron.

I'm pretty smart,

and when I want something, I can figure out how to get it.

Isn't it dangerous to beat someone with a bat?

What it she hit you on the head?

She got my head a few times. It was swollen and bruised here.

She could have killed you.

I know, but I'm built pretty tough.

- Yeah, but in the wrong place... - Yeah, I know.

Have you ever been in detox therapy?

- Yes, I was at the Envolée. - The what?

- The Envolée. - The Envolée.

But I didn't like it there. I quit after three weeks.

Right, you said you didn't like that kind of thing.

No, 1 can't handle it.

Why don't you like it?

Talking about my feelings. I can't handle that.

It bothers you to talk about them?

A b“.

Do you have a girlfriend?

I don't have a girlfriend anymore.

Yeah, but girlfriends come and go.

When you're on the street,

do you find it harder to have a girlfriend?

It's hard.

I was with the same one for two years.

- The girl who was here? - Yeah.

It was pretty lough.

The last year was rough.

Because of what happened?

No.

Rough in general.

Drugs and love don't go together.

You'll be here for a couple more months?

Easily. Well, at least this month.

That's (o; sure.

Cool.

So I wanton a binge on Tuesday, when I got my cheque.

I spent all my money. I gave it away to Pierre Jean Jacques.

I didn't even see the money.

You blew your whole cheque?

I gave money to everyone in sight.

- How come? - Because I wanted drugs and beer.

What gets on my nerves

is how Paul always wants to siphon it out of me.

I spend it before someone comes looking for it.

But next month,

I want to work, find a job,

but it just isn't worth it.

I make a lot more doing prostitution.

You Know, I work hard for 20 bucks for eight hours.

It's as if it was my own business.

I do everything and then I'm paid $ 1.75 under the table.

It just ism worth it.

I don't think it's related.

It bugs me. I was so depressed this week.

When I wen! on my binge, I drank Your cases 0112,

one after the other.

BY Yourself?

By myself, in my We corner.

- Four cases of 12. - It's driving me crazy.

When I went to court, I didn't realized what would happen

and I was pretty desperate.

I was getting suicidal, you have no idea.

I'm trying to move on, but I can't do anything right.

I am stuck. It's not fun anymore.

The job is really depressing too.

I was trying real hard to Keep it, but Fm worthless,

I can't even keep a job.

I may as Well go back to the sex trade.

I've still got my regulars.

I now have a real sicko.

It's OK, because! need money and he pays me 250 bucks.

But he's a little bizarre.

He wants to stick things into my penis and tie me up.

And he calls me on the phone and uses up my whole phone card.

I figure he's jerking off.

He stutters when he talks, like a real pervert.

So I did him once and he paid me real good.

And he wants me to go and meet him in the metro, you know,

like show it in the mama.

It's stupid. But he pays well, you know.

He wants you to show yourself in from of everyone?

Not in front of everyone; in from of him in a public place.

He Ides all Kinds of wings like that.

He's bizarre.

And he likes shaving my pubic hair and my underarms.

I let him do it, as long as he gives me a bunch of twenties.

But he might be dangerous. You can't tell with perverts.

Paul is afraid of that.

He tells me he's called,

and I go." "Oh, my sicko."

Paul goes all nuts and says." "You 'll get yourself killed."

He really doesn't like it.

How old is this guy?

Oh, Yd say he's about 50 years old.

He's married.

He calls from different places, and I check everything out.

I write down the numbers.

He usually calls from a pay phone, but sometimes from work.

My first day at the variety store, he called me there.

He wanted to see me.

I thought.' "Shit, 250 bucks when I work for$1.75 an hour."

You Know, I can make two weeks' pay in two hours.

Do you blow all your welfare cheques?

Yeah, in three hours, it's allover.

600 bucks in three hours. Into the machines and my arms.

Cam the others at Pop's help you with that?

Yeah, they have a program. I can leave my cheque with them.

I have to go over and take my money and leave it there.

- You have to do it yourself. - Right.

Is there a place you can put your money?

Yea h, but I've never done it.

Because W! leave 200 bucks there and I blow the other 4-00 bucks,

then! have no cash.

I'll go back and bang on the window.

The person in charge isn't there.

I'll explode and maybe beat someone up there.

So it's better if! have a bit of a float.

It's nobody's fault.

It happens.

When there's a client who's ready to pay 30, 40 bucks...

If they have a big dick,

I say, "Screw off," because I don't want it to hurt.

If it's a little one...

When others say they never do that...

K's bullshit.

OK, that's how it is.

Some will do it (o; 20 bucks.

When they're dying for some dope and the guy says WI! be quick,

the others will go for sure.

Nobody Wants anyone to Know he'll do that for 15 bucks.

"I've got 5 bucks, so... "

I had 2 bucks and the guy says." "I don't have $20. "

"Do you have, like, 18 bucks?" "Yeah, I have $ 10 and some change."

He had $ 18. So I did it and it was quick,

in a car at the back of a park.

If you're going to suck someone off for $20,

you may as well make money fast.

It's disgusting. It makes me sick.

- It's better than robbing a bank. - That's for sure.

I'd rather go and rob a bank,

but I think of what could happen after.

I don't want to do time for something stupid.

Mars

I've been a mess for five days.

- Not thinking straight? - Yeah, I'm wasted.

Seriously, it's bad. 5,000 bucks in five days.

Your name and signature.

And the date, March 2nd.

I got out on the 23rd and went back in on the 24th.

Went back in again?

For prostitution.

I got arrested.

I saw the car stop and I thought:

"I've seen him before. It's all right. "

I got in and thought." "Christ!"

You thought it was a regular'?

It was the one who arrested me a year ago.

He says: "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I recognize you." He said: "I don't know you."

"Dani worry, you'll take me to Amherst and Viger.

"Two cars will park behind you.

"The morality squad will pick me up.

"But that won't work this time, because I'm taking off, my friend."

- And'? - They caught me.

Really?

She was this big, the police.

My arms still hurt.

She {an after you? Yeah?

And she caught me.

She threw me on the ground, hands in the gravel.

- You're Kidding. - I was going nuts.

Was she hiding behind the morality squad car'?

No, when she came, she opened the door of the car to put me in.

She came and grabbed me here.

I got into the back and took off running.

She {an after me.

The other chased me too, but she caught me.

The other guy had a big belly.

Had to take a break every two--

It was only (o; prostitution?

- Here. -Thank you.

I think he's coming back. I think it's Bruno

I think Bruno is coming back. I just heard the door.

I've been out for three months.

Usually it only takes a month and Pm back in again.

You won't be going back?

Oh, I'll go back inside. At some point, for sure.

Why do you think that? Because that's how it always is?

No, because I got caught in the metro lately.

I was up for five days.

I was going somewhere to eat, so I got on the metro.

I was awake for five days.

I don't Know how I managed to do it,

but I ended up in a corner at the other end of the metro line.

The security woke me up and I grappled with them.

They found a knife on me. A huge hunting knife.

They asked me what I was doing with it.

I said: "What do you think Pm doing?"

Anyway, I tried to get away and they caught me.

They threw me on the ground and put handcuffs on me.

They took me into a mom

and left me there for nearly an hour until the police arrived.

So the police escorted me out. I went up the stairs.

I said: "Where the hell are we?" She said: "Angrignon Station."

I don't even remember how I got there.

I was supposed to get off at Bonaventure,

but I ended up at the other end of the line, lying in a corner.

You must have fallen asleep.

1 was burnt out, shit.

I can't remember getting off the metro car and lying down.

- You Weren't on the metro'? - I was in the station.

I got off the metro and went to sleep in a comer.

I don't remember anything about it. Not a thing.

When I saw it was Angrignon, I was, like." "Whoa!"

I started crying.

You look older.

Is that so?

More mature as well?

Yeah.

I got hurt today. Here.

Right here. It's all swollen.

What happened?

I got into a fight today.

You got into a fight?

Touch my nose.

Does it hurt?

Yes, it's broken.

- Did you get-- - I was beaten up.

There's a friend of Willy's who owed him money.

- Owed Willy'? - Yeah, Willy.

He owed Willy 150 bucks.

I went up to the guy and said:

"Watch it; Willy is around the park tonight.

"He's looking for you because he has a meeting."

Anthony -- his name is Anthony --

he said he had to go to Pop's at noon to give him the money

and he didn't come.

So I saw Willy and he told me."

"If you see Anthony, tell him I'm around and I want my money."

I saw Anthony and said: "Don't forget you owe Willy money."

He starts his little sob story and then he went to the bar.

He came back with another guy

and started to beat me up at Champlain and Sainte-Cat.

There were people all around,

the kind who see you break your jaw or get killed and don't care.

I'm getting beat up and not a single Good Samaritan around

On top of it, you told him to help him.

I told him that because I didn't want Willy to bust his jaw.

I said." "Go on, man. Willy's around, so get lost."

I'm trying to explain it, and they just keep on going.

It still hurts right here. They hit me in the ribs.

I also feel sick to my stomach.

I don't Know if I broke something else.

And they broke my nose, Fm sure of that.

The other got me on the back of my head,

and I banged my nose on a wall.

I check my nose and he threw another punch right at my nose,

and there was blood all over the place.

There's still a big pool of blood on the ground over there.

You're going to have it checked out tomorrow, right?

- Just hurts when I do this. - It feels tight?

Yeah, right here. I have two stitches there.

- Really? - You can see it there.

I'm starting to get worn out.

I caught Marc-André, man. I grabbed him on the comer.

- What for? - Because he was bugging me.

"I'm supposed to bust your face. " "Go ahead!"

He punched me in the gut.

I said." "Big guy, you're going to have to do better than that."

I cracked his head on the wall.

You know, the wall at Champlain and Sainte-Cat, it's made of metal.

I punched him and he bounced back.

Another punch and "ting," he bounced back.

Then Stéphane punched him in the nose.

Then I said." "Give Willy a message...

"I'm here if he wants to find me. "

You didn't go back to your job at Pop's?

I didn't go back there either.

Some friends said: "Go see them.

"They think you're dead or something."

No, I'm too ashamed.

It's a personal failure and it doesn't fit with the big picture.

I don't owe them anything. They don't owe me anything.

I took that job as a personal goal.

To see HI could tough out a real job.

If not, I'd be in deep shit.

I couldn't, so I'm in deep shit.

To get off dope, I have to keep busy.

I! has to be a job 60,70 hours a week.

I have to occupy all my time.

As soon as I have 3-4 hours ahead of me with nothing to do...

Do you still have a lot of clients'? What do you do for money?

I've still got piles of clients. Saturday I was there.

I went in the afternoon for two, three hours,

and I left Sunday night, yesterday.

Really?

Had a nice go at it.

My third big bender since I got back.

I didn't sleep.

Were you with a client who did drugs with you?

- Several. - Really? Several?

Bang, bang, bang, bang...

Everyone wanted to get high with you.

No, they gave me cash, I got my dope and went back.

I think! did four clients at $40 and two at $80

and a dozen a! $20.

$20 clients, it doesn't pay well.

It's sickening, but it's over fast.

For 20 bucks, you only have to tough Rout 10 minutes.

So 10 clients at $20 makes $200.

Four chants a! $40 makes $160. That's $360.

Plus one or two clients at $80, that's more than 500 bucks.

A nice little go. I did 30 hours non-stop.

Yeah, not too bad.

Aw, I lost weight. Too much weight.

People say that the only way to quit is to have a major accident.

Someone dies next to you or you nearly die yourself.

Of you OD.

But that wouldn't happen because you've got control.

Yeah, but it could still happen.

When I'm too stoned, I don't watch what Fm doing.

I'm actually-- what's the word-- compulsive.

But I never OD. I don't know why but I haven't.

- Maybe you have a kind of instinct? - Maybe.

But maybe I need to OD, to finally wake up.

A light will turn on. I'll! go: "Wow, I almost died there.

"I gotta stop. I don't want to die."

April

April

You've only done crack four times in the Ia st few weeks?

Yeah.

Are you afraid of falling back into it?

It's scary, like a kind of a white wall.

And the wall turns black afterwards, like death and everything.

And you see death's face when you're doing crack.

- Really'? - That's what I see, anyway.

First time I did crack...

I was 17 when I slept at En Marge for the first time.

- Where? - En Marge.

And I dreamed that I was doing crack,

and then I woke up, wide awake, but I had the flu.

It gave me the flu, that dream.

So new when 1 do it,

well, I see a white wall,

and then it turns into a black wall.

When's that, the white and black wall?

When I sleep, I dream of a black wall.

A White Wall is when I don't use.

When I do drugs, it's a black wall.

It means death.

Really?

This will sound hokey...

I never saw Jesus in my life, but I dream of Him.

- You dream of Jesus'? - Yeah.

It's pretty ridiculous.

No, it's not.

I've dreamed of His birth and death.

How does he appear in your dreams?

I really see His face.

What's His face like?

Like the face of Christ in a church.

And you dreamed of Christ being born?

Yeah, and I have no idea what it means.

When did you dream that'? When you were a kid?

I dream it almost every night.

Really?

I dream it almost every single night.

I don't Know what it means, but it scares me.

Why?

The idea of dreaming of Jesus and not knowing what it means.

You don't know what': coming.

It might mean that your own death's coming.

You just don't know.

But you could also say, Marv-André, that it's a positive image.

You see what I mean?

That it's me, myself.

A positive image of yourself.

Like I'm a Jesus?

A son of Jesus, yes.

You ever dream of that?

Yes, it's happened.

And when it happened, were you-

I'm always afraid. Fm scared of death.

You talk a lot about death.

When you first came here you said-- I don't know if you remember--

I asked why you got into prostitution.

You said: "I wanted to catch AIDS and we."

No, but death scares me.

But it also fascinates you?

No, not at all.

I'm scared. Stop talking about that. Fm getting scared.

I'm scared of the black Wall. That's what the black wall is.

The black wall is death.

- In dreams'? -Yeah.

You only see it in dreams.

And I dream sometimes that I'm in a coffin.

- That what? - That I'm in a coffin.

Locked in?

Yes, and when you dream that you have to wake up right away,

because it means that death is realty on its way.

Does this happen when you're high or on a regular night?

No, no. On regular nights.

- OK, a normal dream. - Yeah.

How are things at home?

Fine, except that

the bunch of crackheads are being paranoid.

Do you think they got you thinking about death?

Maybe, yeah.

Especially with a Black guy in from of me.

What do you mean?

Willy's Black.

- So? - It's a black wall.

But not because he's Black. Because of what he does.

Yeah, he scares me.

He could be White and it would be the same.

Huh?

He could be White and still be a black wall.

- No'? - Yes.

His actions are black.

Sometimes it scares me, being with him.

I don't know if he'll kill someone, but I can feel it coming.

He's starting to get aggressive.

Is it because of him you're thinking of death a lot?

Yeah, maybe. Maybe I have to get away from there.

Today it's like a rebirth.

Even if it was only 10 minutes ago, I did it.

It's just that I'm worn out. That's why Fm like this.

But not because I'm stoned.

I've only slept seven hours in 10 days.

Without dope, if I was at my place,

it would take no more than 10 minutes

and I'd sleep until tomorrow.

You haven'! slept for 10 days, because of the $100,000?

Crack.

It's crack.

Have you got in touch with your family yet?

I'm still too ashamed.

You're ashamed?

I'll get there. First I have to look after myself.

No contact at all since this winter'?

Since death has been ignoring me, I'll! have to live.

This is the third time, 1 think.

But last time was son of special because it was mysterious.

What I saw--

Anyway, I don't want to talk about it.

And that thing...

No, I don't want to look like an Idiot.

You're afraid of looking like an idiot?

Yeah, but it's true, all the same. K's real.

Why are you afraid of...

Because people won't believe me, that's all.

Your imagination is doing what it wants.

It's not imagination.

It's something real that I saw

on my road to death, because I was on my way.

But your experience is legitimate, whatever I: is.

You think it doesn't make sense, is that it?

I think it does make sense, actually.

There were things that I didn't believe, but still...

I feel protected.

It hurts.

It sounds stupid, it's funny, but one of my balls hurts.

A ball as big as this.

ll hurts like hell.

- What happened? - Nothing at all, man!

I'm gonna take this off. It's annoying me.

It's funny. I'm out of jail again.

Hey, man, I was in prison twice in three weeks.

Holy shit.

What was it this last time?

Violating parole conditions. Shithead morons.

What conditions?

Restricted area . Curfew.

Prohibited from carrying a weapon.

So, you were back in there. You're not feeling good, eh?

Yeah, I have a stomachache. But it's all right.

Of course your stomach hurts.

So you were in, you got out, and you were pm back in?

Yes, I went back in on a Sunday-- On a Friday night.

I got out the next Friday and I spent the weekend outside.

I got arrested again on Sunday. Screw it!

Why on Sunday?

And I got out Thursday.

Did they arrest you again for the same thing?

Violating your conditions again?

- Restricted area. - Twice for the same thing.

I go! less time the second time, Christ.

What did they say'? That they had to take you in again?

Right, they took me in again.

I almost had to go back the other day.

What do you do when you're in there?

It's tough, man.

I call my shylock to send me some money.

What does he do?

He sends me money so I can smoke pot.

No choice.

What's happened in the last month and a half?

Yeah, lots of things happened.

I can't remember everything because of my head.

What happened?

I got hit on the head with a metal bar.

- Was that a while ago? - No, last week.

I've had a lot of memory lapses since then.

Who hit you on the head?

The dealers at Berri. They jumped me.

Did they crack your skull?

You bet they did.

In one spot?

In one place. I have a dozen stitches in the back.

Did you have a concussion?

Yeah.

I went back to the hospital because I still had a concussion.

I still do. I still have dizzy spells.

It's better today.

Yesterday I was sick and vomiting.

You're sick to your stomach?

Yeah.

My face is all numb. It's no fun.

Why did they do it'? What happened?

Because they thought I was dealing there.

And it's true.

I was selling pot and I had no right to do that.

So the whole gang jumped me. No warning or anything.

They jumped me and started clubbing me.

The gang that usually works there?

There were four of them.

- With a metal bar. - Yeah.

- In broad daylight? - Yeah.

And nobody med to stop them?

No.

- Sad, isn't it'? - No policemen?

The police brought me to the hospital.

I was in a coma for a few hours.

- Really'? - I woke up in the hospital.

You were in a coma.

That's fight.

I haven't had many clients lately.

Why were you dealing there if you knew?

I wanted to make some money and get high.

I we med to get stoned

because I don't want to do anymore clients, because Pm fed up.

I can't handle it anymore. Fm disgusted.

I disgust myself.

- You're sick doing it. - Sick of the whole shit.

loam go on anymore.

The only client I do is my shylock,

my sugar daddy that I do once in a while.

I don' even do much with him these days.

I had stopped using for a month and a half,

thanks to Anthony.

I had quit everything except pot.

Really?

And overnight I just started again.

Why?

Because I had a fight with my girlfriend.

I didn't want to get high.

I had 45 bucks in my pocket when I M here.

I made it almost to Berri to buy some pot,

but I didn't make it.

I was sick. I vomited.

I was sick as a dog, crying, on the ground,

bent over with pain.

- How come? - Withdrawal.

I needed my fix.

- You couldn't make it to Berri? - Right, that's it.

- You were going through withdrawal. - I was in withdrawal.

I had been fighting with my girlfriend.

I told her." "No, don't get high."

But she went to get stoned.

When that happens and I have money in my pocket,

I get high-

When I fight with her, she goes her way and I go mine,

and I get stoned.

I do some clients and she does some too.

But we fight like 10 times a day.

Five minutes later we 're in love again.

So where is she now?

Actually, she's with a client.

I let her go.

I'm sick of it.

I tell her I'm sick of her doing clients.

I'm sick of doing clients.

But she says." "What will we live on?

"How will we get high?"

There are other things we can do, panhandling, squeegee, whatever.

But she can't panhandle. So that's her choice.

You can tell Anthony that you M'! your money here.

Oh yeah. Can I have a cigarette?

Sure.

Anthony?

Serious'? GUYS-

Seriously it'd be fun. We can always try.

Oh, that feels good.

I came all over your sweater.

That's OK.

Yeah, I've decided to leave my money here.

Perfect. Doesn't matter. Let's sleep.

I decided just now.

When's my next meeting? Can I use a telephone, please?

He has to be there. OK, thanks. Bye.

Hey big guy, he's there now at Wolf and Sainte-Cat.

Stop, man.

OK, I'm going now.

Thank you very much.

Can I have a cigarette?

My hands are sticky from my orange.

Wolf and Sainte-Cat, big guy. He's over there right now.

May

May

Clients want muscles. They don't give a damn about faces.

It's my body they want, not my face.

They don't give a damn.

Also they go for the colour of my skin.

But I presume there's something else they're interested in too.

- Your sweet little heart'? - No, my third arm.

That's why they rip my zipper, shit!

There's Lucifer, Beelzebub and another one.

- Willy'? - Yeah.

The devil's always around. He's stuck inside you.

As soon as you want to do something good, he shows up.

I'm not hooked on drugs

because I can go for days without getting stoned.

No, really it's true.

You can give me that look, but it's true.

If I don't do it, it's not a tragedy.

I get stoned to console myself.

You've sure?

Because it hides reality from me for-

How should I put it?

For a brief time.

So that means you're not hooked?

No, I don't think I'm hooked.

I don't do drugs out of... I want to say "necessity."

But I take drugs to-

Actually I do it for consolation.

Everything I was planning to do today, I didn't do.

Yesterday, I was all enthusiastic. I was really baking forward to it.

And then someone came and rang the doorbell at 8:00 in the morning

with some stuff.

And when it's in your face, you can'! say no.

Then I was off.

I have a friend in detox. He got om today.

He was in these two months, 1 think.

He got out today and he was using already.

That kind of thing depresses me.

I know what you mean.

But deep down, I know I can get out of this.

Is she going to tell you when she gives birth?

I hope so. That's what Pm wondering.

Of course.

That's why I said Fm getting more and more nervous.

It's stressing me out a bk.

I don't know what': going to happen,

what she's going to do.

She's told me a lot of times

that she wants lo write "lather unknown", blah, blah, blah.

Why do you think she said that?

To be her usual, bitchy self.

She's pretty screwed up right now. Real moody.

Up and down.

And she's getting violent too.

She likes to give me ultimatums. That kind of thing makes me sick.

I don't know if she'll make good on her threats or what.

Apparently if they put "father unknown",

their welfare cheque is higher, they get more.

So...

It depends on what her life is like.

That's :1'. If she continues this way,

WM be welfare and no job.

All she does is smoke pot all day long.

If I went to court,

told them I had an apartment and a steady job,

I think I'd look like the responsible one in court.

And the judge might give me sole custody of my mile girl.

Children's Services has her first little girl.

Did they come and take hes'?

Yeah, she was using.

Was she doing prostitution too?

Yes, she was doing drugs,

smoking crack, shooting up and everything.

They came and got hey.

I'm not sure, but I think the baby was under a year old.

She was maybe 10, H months.

So that's something that could play in my favour

if I went to court.

I could use Res an example.

Anyway, I hope it won't come to that,

I hope things will work out between us.

But let me tell you, she can sure be a birch sometimes.

That's why I'm going over and over kin my head, you know.

There's lots happening at the same time.

And I was in detox for 10 days.

whereabouts?

At Un Foyer Pour Tor' in Terrebonne.

It was 10 days, and I got out.

I came back to Montréal on the first to get my cheque.

I managed to tough it out maybe four hours

without doing any powder.

I bought myself a couple of things.

Then! went to Pub Jacques Cartier at Papineau and Ontario,

and I had a little relapse.

I bought a quarter upstairs at the Jolicoeur.

I did it outside.

I went into a bar and I pm 20 bucks in the machines.

The bells were ringing like crazy. 650 bucks.

So I was walking around with 1,100 bucks in my pockets.

I bought a whole bunch of things: a cellphone for $200,

a big silver bracelet, a big silver necklace.

I mean, really big, the kind dope dealers have.

And at the end of the night when I'd spent at! my cash,

I sold my cell phone for peanuts

and my bracelet and necklace for next to nothing.

It 's a shitty way to live, but I can't hold onto anything.

- Date'? Should I write the mini, second? - The second.

Hey, it's my birthday next month!

- When? - The 13th.

Oh yeah? Cool. Thanks.

I'll! be 23.

23 years old and Pm missing teeth.

I'm pretty impulsive, I 'd say.

You've not scared of anything.

I'm not scared of much, except myself.

- Yourself? - Yea h.

You're not scared enough.

I'm afraid of what I might do, because I'm not...

Like you said, I'm not scared enough, not careful enough.

You know, when something happens,

I'm afraid I'll hurt someone, even kill them.

I've felt like I'm capable of doing that.

It's gotten to that point.

Not that Yd want to.

I don't want to end up killing someone.

That guy I almost killed,

I broke up my crack pipe on the ground,

and then started hitting him.

He ended up in the hospital and all.

Did you get arrested?

No, fortunately the guy didn't lay charges.

I was real lucky.

Yeah, you would have ended up inside.

Yeah, 1 would have been taken in.

But that guy I saw him again, I talked to him and apologized.

Did he accept your apology?

Yeah, he did. He understands.

He knows me real well. He knows it wasn't like me.

Hold him, "Christ, we're friends.

"Smoking friends. You know me."

I didn't mean to do that to someone like him,

but he stuck his nose into my business,

and when someone does that...

Well, you'd better not do that. Whatever.

Will this be open back here?

Listen, no one can see you.

Hey, no one will recognize you from your back.

OK.

No, seriously.

No one can recognize you from your back.

The light...

Don't worry about it.

You could go to Emergency too.

Yeah, I Know I could, but I have to see a doctor anyway.

There's a medical report to fill om for my foot and this,

so we'll all go at the same time.

But with this you I have to go as soon as possible.

Yes, of course.

- So... - Have you had it for a long time?

No, just... Let's see. Since Friday, so three days.

- Is it getting better or worse? - No, it's gotten worse.

You 'd better go in, for sure.

What are you doing for a place to stay?

For w hat?

Where are you living?

I don't have a place to live, so I stay at...

Shaken.

Shaken.

June

Cameras...

Oh, something's fallen here. I don't know...

Want a cigarette?

No, I need to go to the bathroom.

Please.

It's down there.

I'm sorry.

You've never seen me like this, you know?

But I got the day wrong.

I'm telling you, Pm losing my memory.

Everyone that comes here... Anyway, the bathrooms are there.

Yeah, but I've been here often, and I was...

You're not the only one. Everyone that comes here--

I was normal.

Once I was stoned, but I wasn't like this, you know?

Oh, he doesn't like me anymore.

Well, your thing sure works.

Yes! _ Holy jeez!

Let's go.

I'm listening.

Fine.

Now, don't pay any attention to me...

You know in my head it's like...

I can't see straight ahead of me.

- It's that bad'? - Yeah.

I'm awake, and when someone looks at me,

I tend to stare because the ground is all white.

It's that intense!

Yes.

That's surprising.

Look, it's...

- Then you come back to Earth? - Right.

Dani ask yourself why it's so intense.

How long will you feel good m?

Fifteen minutes.

Only 15 minutes?

You have to start again in 15 minutes?

Yeah. Some people do it again right away.

I feel like I've got it all over my face.

No, you don't.

My Wish for today is more to die.

I'm paranoid.

- Because of the broken glass? - Right.

Mathieu did that.

It's all white.

Because it's made out of white plastic.

I know, but when you do this kind of shit...

People have all Kinds of ways to make you fee! paranoid.

Yeah, but we-

Well, you guys, no. Not you.

Of course not.

Not you. I wasn't talking about you.

I trust you, see?

But earlier! was at a peep show. There was a guy I don't know.

I open the door and he's standing there.

He says: "You want me to suck you off?"

Hooked a! him. "Come on, no!"

I said." "Get out of here. "

I closed my door.

Every time I go to take my crack, he blows on it and! lose it all.

It goes on the ground, all over the place.

People do things like that to make you crazy.

At one point I went outside. I wanted to smack him.

I said: "Yo, if you want some, just ask for it.

"But you can' do that. It's ridiculous!"

What was he doing?

He was standing by the wall, there. He was blowing.

Oh yeah?

You're doing your crack and suddenly there's no more.

What ave you going to do?

You get down on your hands and Knees and look for it.

There's lots of stuff on the ground.

I drop it all the time.

He Kept hanging around wherever I went.

Shit!

Every time I do my shit, people won't leave me alone.

Mémé is me star!?

It feels so hot!

What happened to the film you were supposed to be in?

Yeah, it women! out.

Was it the script you were talking about?

Yeah.

I didn't tell you that I did it, eh?

- No. - Oh, OK. I went.

And there was a gorgeous woman with blond hair down to here.

Where was this?

It was on Wellington Street, in the west end.

He didn't pay me much, just 100 bucks.

I took a few slaps from the girl, because it was something...

I had to enter the showroom and say."

"Hey, there's nobody around. What's going on?"

Then she came in and says." "Oh, I know you want to get fucked."

Then she grabs me like this and starts hitting me in the face,

punching me, the whole damn thing.

Then she puts on a plastic penis

and took me from behind with that.

It hurt. It was pretty hard.

Anyway it was funny and it was quick.

Twenty minutes of...

Twenty minutes and it was done.

- So... - And he was filming this?

Yeah, it was done fast.

It was the first time I did a film that fast.

I didn't like it with the plastic dick,

because she went pretty fast.

I bled a bit and that wasn't fun.

But 20 minutes of penetration and then it's over.

He just wanted 20 minutes of footage.

I have no idea where he sells that kind of thing.

I didn't see it. It's pretty underground.

You're not supposed to know anything about it.

But the gin was so damn hot. K's pretty rare.

I've slept with a few girls in films, but her...

She had these high heels, hair down to here, big (Ks.

She was so gorgeous.

I don't know how it will all tum out.

She worked out. She was pretty muscular.

Her name's Valérie.

Was she Québécoise?

Yea h, but she had an American T-shirt, cut low.

I had my child.

Have you seen hes'?

No, the child was bum on May 30th; my ex gave birth...

How did you find out?

She left a message at Pop's.

I saw her a few days before she gave birth.

She came into Pop's with her goddamn boyfriend.

I feel like punching him in the teeth.

She came in with him and didn't talk to me.

He came up to me and says: "Listen, she's with me now.

"You had your chance." Blah, blah, blah.

Who does he think he is? "I don't give a shit," I said.

"Every time you look at the baby, you'll see my face.

"You'll have to live with that."

So she wrote me a message: "Emilie gave birth on May 30.

"It's a little girl, Alexandrine."

And she apologized for the way she acted.

She didn't want to talk to you?

I don't Know if she Wanted to, but she didn't.

Emilie's quite a character.

These huge mood swings. She's stubborn.

Did she at least say hello to you?

I said hello to her.

Let Bruno in.

ls there anything else you want?

He wants you to come in.

What's up?

You were scared, eh?

- When was I scared'? - When you met me.

When I met you... No, I don't remember.

Sure you do. With Rémi.

With Rémi?

Yeah, that's when I met you for the first time.

When you'd lost your head over your girlfriend, Lynne?

Yeah.

And that yogurt, that pudding!

He was saying: "Your stupid pudding expired two years ago."

I had a needle and I was waiting for him outside.

Yes, I Know. And me too!

You fucked hey.

- Me? No way. - No?

I swear, I never did anything with her.

Don't make each other mad. ifs going to turn sour.

No! Shit, I'm being frank with him. I don't give a shit.

I know you fucked hey.

She was tweaking her panties like that.

But that's all 1 saw, man.

She was in panties

that had diamonds in the shape of a cat's face on them.

Boy, you've got a friggin' good memory!

Christ, of course! remember. She shipped down to her panties.

I was dead stoned.

Sex and drugs don't mix Well for me. I can't do coke and screw.

It makes some guys horny but I can't even get it up.

I like the mix.

You like the mix, eh.

Well, good for you. But it doesn't work for me.

He Wanted to suck me off for 20 bucks!

You're kidding.

No, I'm serious. Yeah!

It was a joke.

As soon as he knew I was here.

Well, I said: "Better you than a chem."

Because with clients...

What?

It'd be better with JF you know,

but I wouldn't look you in the eye.

Damn, I told you to look me in the eye!

I wouldn't look you in the eye!

That's the last straw.

I had impetigo. At least that's what I think I said.

A skin infection,

because I was handling money.

I was handling money and I scratched my face,

and that's how I caught it, they told me.

Because money is dirty.

Yeah.

There's nothing dimer than money.

Tons. It was full of people.

I only got Anglos.

Anyway...

Oh yeah? The Grand Prix crowd goes for the guys in the village?

Well, not just the Grand-Prix. There was Madonna too.

Lots going on in Montréal on the weekend.

So that helped.

The sky was busy.

Sure was.

Do you think it'll be like this all summer?

Yeah, 1 think so.

With the Out Games and everything.

Yeah, we'll probably have a big crowd all summer.

It's a little hard on the guys though,

when there's too much money.

For sure it wean you out.

I'm not in shape like I was before.

See this lump? I got it from the police.

They dubbed you?

The 22-2 is the worst!

The 22-2 seem to be ready to do whatever the hell they want.

Yeah, the 22-2 are complete morons. The worst police station there is.

I went to the hospital because I cracked my head.

I banged my head hard on the window.

I gave it a good swing with my back and Wham!

Just one hit and I got out in two places.

The side window'? Which window? In me back seal?

Yeah, in the back of the car. The mile window that opens.

You see, I had cracked my head open.

He turned around and said: "you moron".

I replied: "you're the fucking morons!"

And I couldn't finish what I was saying

because I realized I was bleeding.

I saw this blood dripping on my chin.

My sweater was beside me, because it was hot that night.

Jul?'

Jul?'

Thinking (o; you, loving you

loan only think of you

Did you write that song?

My wastepaper baskets are full of drawings

of your beautiful face

I wrote your name again and again on-

You weren't filming me, were you?

...on cigarette packages.

Have you managed to quit?

It happened overnight.

- Really? - Yeah, really.

Just like that?

It was time.

I see.

I was just sick of it. That's all there was to it.

I was sick of it.

Enough with those stupid things.

And I decided to get back on the straight and narrow.

But after a long time, eight months, nine months,

there's a lotto do.

There's lots and lots to do.

I'm OK.

Thank God, I haven't got HIV, haven't got any diseases.

I'll get more test results in three months.

If it's just as good as this last one,

that'd be ideal.

I've decided to get an HIV test every month

for the next six months,

hoping I 'II get out of here safe and sound.

For the time being, doctors tel! me Pm fine.

I tried to commit suicide.

'bu?

No joke.

I may be smiling but I tried to kill myself.

- Was it the first time'? - No.

Do you try to commit suicide often?

When did you start?

A long, long, longtime ago. Since I was young.

- Really? - Since I was 13.

You do that often?

I'm fed up with smoking crack,

sol called the ambulance to come and gel me.

I 'd decided to kill myself.

So I tried, but it didn't work.

So I called the ambulance.

Otherwise I would have really killed myself.

How did you do it?

It sounds stupid, but I went down to the railroad track

and waited for a train to come.

And did a train some?

Yes, but I got out of the way just in time.

You called them after the train went by?

Yes.

They kept me in intensive care, high security for two days.

Security guards outside my door and everything.

Free room and board there.

At Hôtel Dieu or Notre-Dame?

Se int-Luc.

That's where I do business.

Did you speak to a psychiatrist?

No, I only spoke to a doctor.

And he let you leave?

He told me." "Hospital discharge. Bye-bye. "

You Wanted to Kill yourself because of crack?

Was it during a trip or after'?

After.

Had you done a lot?

Quite a bit, actually.

Was it a whole night, two days?

Look, when we saw each other that Thursday,

I hadn't slept for seven, eight days straight.

No, they brought the courtroom into the hospital.

The judge, the lawyers, the whole gang

gathered around my hospital bed.

They found me guilty.

Of what?

I held up a variety store.

Then 15 minutes later, I got stabbed.

Was there a connection?

No, no connection. They made a mistake.

They got the wrong person.

They were out to get someone else, not me,

but the other guy looks just like me.

You've seen that he looks like you?

I saw a picture of him, and he Books just like me.

They thought it was me, but it wasn't.

Did they get caught?

No. I dropped the charges. I didn't go after them.

How some?

Because they're guys who stick together.

You know what I mean.

If I testified against them, I'd be pretty deep in shit.

I 'd get a bullet in my head a block away from the courthouse.

Three guys, three Blacks jumped me.

You must have been scared.

I didn't have much time to think about being scared.

There were knives everywhere?

Oh yeah. It happened really fast.

You were stabbed everywhere? You lost consciousness.

I didn't lose consciousness. I almost did, but I didn't.

But the Worst of it was that I had too much adrenaline.

I was going to get up and my friend told me to stay on the ground.

There was someone with me.

He said." "Stay on the ground. You're bleeding."

I looked and whoa, I was bleeding all over.

So I stayed on the ground.

They made a mistake and Kept going until they found the right guy?

Yeah, as long as they don't find him, they'll stab, stab, stab.

Did they find the guy?

I don't want to Know. I don't give a shit.

If they stabbed him, then good riddance.

At least they'll stop stabbing people for no reason.

Shit, living on the street is no fun.

Well, when you get yourself half killed,

no, it sure isn't.

It's the Third World Wan.

The US versus Russia.

Cannons and everything.

What do you think about that?

I think it's beautiful.

I think life is beautiful.

Hind it amazing.

People watch me, wonder who I am and what I am doing there.

I dunno.

Who do you think I am?

It's like the war, you'd say.

Yeah, it's like the Third World War has broken out.

Who started it?

Moron, man! Pm such a moron sometimes.

I'm capable of doing anything. Breaking car windows isn't me.

It's not Anthony.

The real Anthony cooks and looks after plants.

He doesn't do crack» on the street corner

and he doesn't do every guy who comes along.

When you can say that

you don't even know who you are,

it's gotten pretty bad.

I don't know who I am.

What do you mean?

I don't really know myself. I don't recognize myself anymore.

It's real simple.

I look in the mirror and think: "That's not me."

I hear myself talk and it doesn't sound like me.

It's not complicated, it's mad.

But you're only 19, just starting om in life.

Yeah, but when you've gone that far off track you wonder:

"Who am I'? This isn't me."

You smoke 500 bucks of crack a day.

Sorry, there's nothing normal a bout that.

See what! mean?

What am I doing drugs ma'?

"Because I like it. "

That's not an answer, it's just a way of escaping.

Escaping what?

The fact that you have to think,

thinking about why you take drugs.

I don't want to think about it.

Because there's a reason, but I won't come up with it.

- There's a reason for it. - There's a reason.

Yeah, we all have a reason,

but we won't say it, so it stays without an answer.

Some vague answers:

"I like it." "It's good "I don'! know, man."

Most of the time, that's what they'll tel! you.

Usually I talk about things that happen down here.

Today I felt like doing something special.

I'll be real, show what's on my mind.

It hasn't happened a lot.

Yes, quite often.

Like right now?

No, I remember the shots rt was never like today.

But even if you're joking,

we Know that there's always some truth to it, right?

[know but right now it isn't like it was before.

Can we do some drugs, man?

Huh?

Ave we going to do some drugs?

A Few Months Later

A Few Months Later

Well, first of all,

it's as they say: "my heart's on tire"?

My heart's on fire.

lam in love, intensely.

It's really coo! in that sense.

That's what gets me through the day.

I have my routine. I get up every morning.

I sleep every night.

You won't catch me on the street at 4:00 in the morning.

Forget it!

When you think about prostitution, what do you think of?

Well, it's an experience.

I had this experience.

I learned a lot from that.

We all have a journey

Even H my journeys been really tough,

it made me who I am today, a guy who...

Well, I'm an Acadian,

and many say that where I'm from, people have big hearts.

They're friendly and welcoming.

They're good people. Livery people.

I think that's pretty much who I am.

Honestly, that's what it is.

Our lime girl.

She's going to be 28 next week, in eight days.

28 years old?

No, she's going to be 6 months old in eight days,

on November 28.

I think I'll buy her a little present.

I'd like to invest my cash that way instead of getting high.

I get stoned all the time

because I don't know what to do with my money.

Now I've got some money for my mile girl.

That?! keep me on track.

If I buy her something and give it to her,

I won't be able to sell it later for coke.

I'll be giving something to her with my money.

But you won't do it?

I'll! buy a present, yeah.

I definitely won't go back and sell it to get stoned.

Have you been in touch with your family?

No, I haven't got in touch with my family.

I saw my father a while ago.

He knows where I panhandle,

so he came by with my brother to say hello.

He bought me a meal at a restaurant.

We talked a bit. Then I went back to panhandle.

I'm happy to see them when they come by.

I also saw my mother not long ago, too,

except she barely recognized me.

It's been a long time. I don't look too good.

A real mess.

Anyway it did something to her.

What do you mean?

It made her feel bad to see me looking like this.

What did she do'? Did she cry?

She didn't cry, exactly. She didn't really have time to.

I was there looking for handouts and saw my mother there.

If that gives you some idea...

Did she stop?

No, she kept on going.

She was with my step-father, so that's that.

My step-father doesn't like me much so they just kept on going.

Since we talked last time, it's been a complete mess.

Like I couldn't care less.

I do squeegee anytime, my clients anytime.

I don't want anything to do with my mother.

My brother's dying.

Everything': going bad.

I am loosing Lynne because I get high all the time,

and she doesn't want anything to do with that.

And I dunno, I just fee! trapped.

I'm stuck in my addictions. I can't get out.

This is the first time I've opened up to you guys like this.

You know, I'm all screwed up inside, but I can't get it out.

I've just done a quarter downstairs.

It's like... a beat.

A way of life.

It's like I'm going to Keep playing this same beat

and end up like my father and my brother.

Maybe I won T get AIDS,

but I'll! still be homeless.

I feel lost,

like there's nothing ahead (o; me.

In my life, in everything.

I don't feel like I've got a family.

It's like my mother isn't my mother She 's...

I don't know how to put it.

She says my father isn't even my father

but my brother's father.

She says my father is actually my brother's father.

She's trying to get me all mixed up.

I say screw this stupid family.

They all talk behind each other's backs.

And they judge me for doing drugs.

And my brother is sick,

probably won't make it past Christmas.

Same for my father.

And I 'II probably end up getting sick too.

I don't know.

I'm sure to end up where everyone else is.

It's hard for me these days.

I'm in and out of prison. Whenever Pm out, Fm getting high.

I promised myself I wouldn't do any more clients,

and then I started again.

Anyway, it's all screwed up.

I don't know what to think.

I even wrote a song."

I don'! Know what to do, who I am, where I am,

what I'm eating, where I'm sleeping

When I'm bored, that's what I sing.

The police are after me. Pm fed up with them.

They're after me, but you Know, I don't have anything.

I haven't killed anyone.

It's only prostitution; that's at! I've done.

Anyway I don't know.

So I 'II shout it out in the streets." I did prostitution.

I don't give a shit.

I get money where I can. I med everything.

I've stolen things,

I've broken in houses, held up stores.

I've done everything.

I dealt dope.

It gets so nothing's working anymore.

The police have too big a file on you.

So the next time I'm charged, they'll put me away for four years.

Look, I've been charged with robbery.

Two years.

For the first time in my life, I'll go to the federal pen.

This film is dedicated to C.M.M.

Thank you to everyone who participated in this project for over a year.