Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

So let me get this straight,

your country is only 250 years old.

You know, that's adorable.

We have discotheques that are older than that.

Yeah, I'm really jealous of your country,

its long history of total irrelevance.

This little baby country feeling fussy

because all I hear is "goo-goo, gee-gee,"

and that's what little babies say.

Get away from me.

-Goo-goo, gee-gee. -Grr.

Have you got semiquincentennial fever yet?

Yes, and I wanted to tell you about my version of that,

which I'm calling semi-Colonel-Quinn-centennial.

Now it celebrates the country, my service to it,

and of course you, by virtue of being in my shadow.

I thought we'd print up some T-shirts for the soldiers.

-Oh, cool! No. -Yeah. Why?

We're just gonna celebrate the holiday that honors the country

that all of the soldiers are missing.

-I know. -And that is why I am gonna go

all out with a big turkey dinner.

People hate turkey, especially soldiers,

it's dry, and it makes you tired.

Holiday turkey dinners in the DFAC

are my fondest childhood memories.

And all of these troops have missed a lot of holidays

being here, and I just want to bring them that sense of home.

Honey, it's part of the job to not be home for the holidays,

I mean, I can't even remember how many holidays

-I wasn't home for. -I do. All of them.

And did you hear me complaining? No.

Operation Zero Dark Turkey is a go.

All right, we got to move fast if you want to get

the Baumholder before the PX closes.

You guys are going to Baumholder?

Yeah, the PX is the only place I could find

American Turkeys, you know, like the hormone-filled ones

that look like they can host a manosphere podcast.

They were supposed to be delivered today,

and then there's like an issue,

so we're just gonna go pick 'em up.

I think it's obvious what the issue is, right?

Guys, it's me, Davidson is upset with me

because I humiliated him on the laser battlefield,

so he's holding our turkeys hostage.

That makes perfect sense. I had just momentarily forgot

that everything revolves around you.

-What? This does revo... -We're gonna get going.

Hey, I'm going with you because you are walking

-into a trap. Yes! -No.

I put on deodorant. Let's go.

I called it way back.

-Look, you're not coming. -I am coming.

-No, you're not coming. -I am definitely coming.

You lose your mind on road trips.

-No, I don't. -Do you remember taking

-the minivan down to Disneyland? -Yeah.

And then you yelled at me

to stop singing "99 Bottles of Beer"

because you said it was alcoholic shanty

-about improper liquor storage. -Which it is.

Let me tell you something, Missy.

I have been in a Humvee that was exploded by an IED.

I think I can handle a little trip to the market.

? 46 bottles of beer on a wall ?

? 46 bottles of beer

? Take one down, you pass it around ?

Where's a roadside ambush when you need one?

[theme music]

[Papadakis] Are we there yet?

Say it one more time and I'm gonna order Conway

to open the door and push you out, okay?

And I'll do it. He did not put on enough deodorant.

Well, you know, at least we're on our way to the PX.

That store is a one-stop shop for all

of the best chemical-filled American products,

including deodorant that actually works.

Also gonna stock up on the bad boy

of the American soda, The Dew.

You know, it's just such bullcrap that the same chemicals

that make it taste awesome, make it illegal here.

Do you think that's maybe a sign you shouldn't drink it?

No, the sign I shouldn't drink it would be

that it makes my blood feel like lightning.

-[clicks tongue] Okay. -You're all making out

the Baumholder to be this great place now because of the PX.

But I'm just warning you, there's still the enemy.

Nope, not the enemy, literally the same army.

Honey, you're being so naive about this. I'm telling you.

Davidson's up to something

and you are just drinking his Kool-Aid.

-Which they also sell at the PX. -[Dana chuckles]

So what are you getting from the PX?

What? Oh, I'm not going to the PX.

Baumholder was my original post.

Some of my old friends are doing a party

and few are my ride-or-dies.

You have other friends? Are they anything like us?

Is there like a-a Mamadakis?

You know what? Don't tell me. I wanna be surprised.

I'm in for the party.

I would love you to come to the party

and you know I want you to meet my friends.

-Yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah. -Hell yeah.

But it's invite-only. at a secret underground speakeasy.

My hands are tied.

Um...

I've actually got texts too, Conway.

Bet you I got a text right now. Oh, look at this.

"Dear Comrade, a revolution is upon us in the bourgeois pigs."

You know, you go to one Communist Party meeting.

[instrumental music]

Colonel Quinn, we were alerted to your arrival.

General Davidson requests your presence in his office

along with the captain.

Ah, well, just after we get our turkeys.

-Immediately. -Hmm.

[sniffs] What's that smell?

Wait. Oh, yeah. It's a trap.

[instrumental music]

So, Colonel, what brings you here?

You know why we're here. He's just playing dumb.

We are here to pick up our turkeys, sir.

-[Davidson] Ah. -He knows that.

We're also serving turkey

for the semiquincentennial.

Nothing says America like holiday turkey.

-I couldn't agree more, sir. -It's a dry bird.

Uh, we had ordered our turkeys

from your PX for delivery, but then someone explained

that there was an issue with the ordering system, sir.

Yeah, the computers all over the base are down.

-Ah. -That's so horrible, sir.

Do you know what I think happened?

I think you canceled the orders on purpose

because you are still so upset

that I humiliated you so beautifully

on the laser battlefield.

I will say all of this turkey talk

has given me a genius idea.

What if I roasted 250 turkeys for America's 250th

and in order to do that, I would have to requisition

all the remaining turkeys in the PX.

Well, respectfully, general, those are our turkeys

and you couldn't possibly need that many, right?

You'd end up throwing half of them out.

What's more American than gluttony and waste.

[Patrick] You know what, sir?

You can take all 250 turkeys

and put them in a rocket ship

and fire them into space.

-I don't care. -I care about the turkeys.

-They make it feel like home. -You're missing the point.

He thought he had me, and now he doesn't have me

and don't buy into the home BS. That's what he wants.

He's playing a psy-op mind game here, okay?

If you buy into the home BS, he went-

Home is not BS, okay? An-and this was not a trap.

It became a trap because of your ego

and that's... I'm so sorry, sir.

Please, captain, continue.

I would love to hear exactly what you think

about Colonel Quinn as a parent.

You don't have to do that.

-That's an order. -Mm-hmm.

[inhales] Well, you can't comprehend the feeling of home

because it is something you have run away from

your entire adult life

and now that we are spending time together,

you want a lot of credit for showing up as a dad, right?

But when you do, you are terrible at it.

Wow.

That went better than I could have possibly imagined.

-Popcorn? -Okay.

[instrumental music]

Cucumber.

Yeah.

[dance music]

[gasps] Dana!

[screaming]

-It's been way too long. -No, I've missed us.

Okay, girls, catch me up on all the tea.

Jen, are you still dating "He who shall not be named?"

No, no. Haley's with him now.

Guilty. But I can totally change.

[Papadakis] I know there's a "darty" in there!

-Darty being day party. -Sad.

There's this weird guy trying to get in

-who wasn't invited? -Ew.

Conway, can you please tell 'em you know me?

-She's not letting me in. -Do you know him?

Oh, yeah, you know, I'm gonna handle that.

-Yeah. -I got it.

She's not letting me in even though it's clear

I have immaculate vibes.

He's good.

See? I told you.

Papadakis, what are you doing here?

My friends are very particular and if they think

somebody doesn't meet their standards,

they can be very harsh.

Uh, Conway, this is me we're talkin' about.

People can't get enough of me, okay?

Well, for one, I was prom king.

Largely due to the fact I invented

a very-easy-to-learn dance

that took the night by storm.

Oh, no, no, no, no. No invented dances.

Just small talk.

Uh... who wants to talk about animal cloning? A lot of pros.

zero cons, it's a little thing I made on my phone.

Slothadillo. That's cutie, right?

Smaller talk.

[instrumental music]

I checked the PX, nothing left but a few guinea fowl.

[door sliding close]

You know, for what it's worth, uh,

I also know what it's like to have a dad who never listens.

I thought you and your dad had, like, a great relationship.

Yeah, we do. I was just trying to make you feel better.

Yes. Thank you.

-[rustling] -Yeah.

-I'm really sorry. -Yeah, it's okay.

I mean, he has ruined most holidays my whole life.

So why would this one be any different?

You got to admit that's a pretty impressive streak.

Yeah, well, he can't help himself.

Everything that he does,

he does without considering the consequences

or how it affects other people's feelings and...

-[door sliding] -You know...

Guess who stole your turkeys?

Wait, like s-stole-stole?

Yeah, Davidson's gonna lose his mind.

[instrumental music]

[military music]

Pretty great, huh? Who's the disappointing dad now?

-You. -What are you talking about?

I stole your turkeys. Hey, start loading them.

-We gotta move here. -You didn't do this for me.

This is all about your stupid schoolyard rivalry

-with Davidson. -Honey, I could've done

so many different things to get back at Davidson.

I chose the one that helped you.

I was just begging Davidson for turkeys,

and now the turkeys are missing.

So he is going to think that I did it.

Major, can you please take the turkeys out of the van?

[Patrick] He doesn't even know they're missing yet.

It's the perfect crime. Will you put them back

into the van, please?

Crimes get people like me

kicked out of things like the army.

Major, please take the turkeys out of the van.

Okay, just so you know that, these are very cold

and I didn't bring gloves.

Can we all just put the turkeys back

before anybody notices they're gone?

That's way riskier than what I just did.

Fine. I'll do it myself.

Stop. Stop. I'll do it. I'll do it.

I'm in charge. Ugh!

[chuckles] You know, I just love your shirts.

It's such a fun choice.

Mmm, it looks like something my dad would wear on vacation.

-Yeah. -Thank you.

Dads are the best.

Although I've never met mine.

Oh, what a cool thing to bring up at a party.

See? Conway, your friends love me.

And my Je ne sais quois.

-[laughing] -Right.

That's French for "swag."

Papadakis, they're making fun of you.

Oh. If you guys want to do shade, I can do shade.

No, no, no. We don't have to do that.

No, I can do a shade. Hey, Haley.

I might look like your dad on vacation.

But unlike him, I'm not

staring out at the ocean wondering

why I spend all my money on my daughter's C+ nose job.

[laughter]

-Girl! -That's actually hilarious.

Not as hilarious as thinking you're pulling off

that chunky belt. You look like an Olympic weight lifter.

We're out of here.

-That's mean. -Okay. Wow.

I didn't know you could sling it like that. [laughs]

Yeah. It's because being mean is easy.

I just didn't realize they're being mean

because I didn't think you'd be friends

with, like, mean girls,

Mmm. No.

Unless... you're a mean girl.

-Oh, no. Papadakas, you know me. -Do I?

Last week when you complimented my shirts

looking at my crop tops and my belly sticking out,

-were you making fun of me? -No. I genuinely meant that.

Your man-FUPA is powerful.

I don't know what to believe anymore. I need some air.

[military music]

[Davidson] How bad is it?

Mmm... Quinn.

Lock down the base. Find those turkeys.

Couldn't we just celebrate by cooking

and throwing away some Cornish game hens?

No!

It's not the same. Ah!

[tense music]

Okay. Clear.

Jeez, can they walk any slower?

Now, listen. This base is on high alert.

Obviously, which is just gonna make it more fun.

We are gonna get into the kitchens from the DFAC.

We've gotta cut the lights, disable the cameras,

put the turkeys back into the refrigerator

and bing-bang boom!

It's like nothing ever happened.

Trauma lasts a lifetime.

-That's true. -[Papadakis] Got your text.

-Why are we hiding? -Shh.

[mouthing] Sorry.

We're doing a reverse exfiltration of the turkeys.

I don't know what that means, but I'm in.

Wait, where's Conway? She knows Baumholder

better than any of us. We need her.

She chose her mean girlfriends, any compliments

she ever gave you about your outfits was a lie.

We are better off without her.

Uh! Here we go.

-The- -Brought this beauty with me.

-You brought a "go" bag? -This is not a "go" bag.

Those are for cowards who run away from the danger.

This is a "go-in" bag for guys like me who run at the danger.

-Okay? -Hm. Oh!

-There we go, baby. -Whoa. Whoa.

-No weapons. -That's my lucky knife.

It's been with me at every mission for the last 25 years.

You know what? Grab your butter balls and let's go. Come on.

[tense music]

Excuse me, girl. What does that hand signal mean?

I'm not sure I've ever known what any hand signal means.

[switches clicking]

God's sake!

[Papadakis] This is almost as real as "Call of Duty."

[Abraham] Okay, for the last time "Call of Duty"

is based on the army. Not the other way around.

[music continues]

Turkey fridge at our one o'clock.

That you understand?

[Davidson] I know that Irish SOB is here somewhere!

[Patrick] Don't! Fall back. Fall back. Quick, quick.

-Oh! -[gasps] Oh, my God!

Come with me if you want to live.

Sorry, margs make me dramatic.

Margs?

[dramatic music]

Let's go, let's go, let's go,

come on, come on.

[panting]

There's a hidden door behind here somewhere.

I just have to push the right spot.

-Ah! -Whoa, dad, dad.

I think this is

what you're lookin' for. See? Lucky knife.

-Oh, secret passage? -Yeah.

[Papadakis] This is like "Call of Duty Vietnam."

-[banging] -Let's go. We gotta move.

Yeah, we gotta get going. Let's go. Let's go.

I know you're in there, Quinn.

Come out, and face me like a man.

-Oh, yeah. -Come on, dad, hurry. Hurry.

-Come on. -Hey. No, listen to me.

You were right. I was just getting revenge on Davidson.

I don't want it to blow back on you. So, ditch the birds,

go back to Stroopsdorf, and I'll buy you some time.

No, dad, wait.

[thuds]

Hello, Colonel.

-Gobble gobble. -[chuckles]

[dramatic music]

So, I'm gonna ask you one more time.

Where are those turkeys?

Name, Patrick Quinn. Rank...

Look, don't try that RTI BS with me.

I took interrogation resistance training also.

-So... -Name, Patrick Quinn.

Rec, Quinn, Colonel.

Be serious and tell me where the turkeys are!

Okay.

Serial number seven... seven... three...

Now, I know you're not in this alone.

I know you don't care about turkeys,

but your daughter does.

And if I find out,

and I will, that she's involved in this,

I will see to it that she is

-dishonorably discharged. -Okay.

General, I'll talk.

? Six

? Five, zero

[sighs] I can't believe that my dad stood up for me like that.

I mean, the only time he's done anything even close to that

is when he fired my mean piano teacher,

'cause she refused to teach me

Scenes From an Italian Restaurant.

Look, I think it's pretty clear that being a dad

doesn't come naturally to the colonel.

Commanding officer is more his wheelhouse.

You know, a lot of my holidays were spent with him

on missions like this. Well, not exactly like this.

Birds were not frozen.

The birds were Black Hawk helicopters.

There's a little bit more high stakes.

Actually, significantly more high stakes.

-Sure. -Missions are his love language.

Hello, this place is crawling with MPs,

-we gotta get to the van. -Wait, wait, wait.

I have an idea.

Damn it. I thought I could break you.

No, nothing can break me, except Field of Dreams.

-Oh. -Maybe Brian's Song.

Look, look, just, just confess

and get it over with.

Sir, I have located Captain Quinn.

Maggie, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be-

Well, I-I think I know where the turkeys are.

Well, she can't know where the turkeys are

because I was the one.

Well, wouldn't the turkeys

be in the fridge?

What, you think I didn't check the fridge?

Well, have you checked it recently?

Sir?

[instrumental music]

-[Davidson] How... -[Maggie] Oh, it's okay, sir.

You know, I forget where I put my keys all the time.

[chuckles] But if this gets worse,

you should probably talk to someone.

So, if they're all accounted for, we'll just be on our way.

Happy, uh, semi-Colonel Quinn-centennial, sir.

[instrumental music]

So, that was a pretty slick move you pulled in there,

but didn't I tell you to get the hell out?

Yes, but I had to thank you

in a language that you would understand.

Because I didn't get it before, okay?

But-but now I do.

You were more at home on a mission

than you ever were at our dining room table.

-Yeah. -But now we're serving together,

so that home finally includes me.

[pensive music]

-Yeah. Yeah. -Yeah.

[sighs]

Now, you could say something sweet.

[chuckles]

Yeah, um...

-The guys are here. -[Abraham] Hey!

Quick PX run, we thought the troops

could use a real taste of home.

Well, not real, mostly chemical, but still.

-Well, that is actually perfect. -[Patrick] Okay.

-Here we go! -Papadakis.

-What? -I need some space.

I don't want to hear an apology.

I've got something special for you.

Oh, my God! Are you serious?

-Mountain Dew syrup? -Yeah.

We can make like Fountain Dew with this.

Okay, but don't drink it straight.

That's what truckers do, you will be up for 48 hours.

Yeah, I wouldn't do that for sure.

When I first got to Stroopsdorf,

I felt like I was stranded on an island

of losers, goofballs and nerds,

but now I'm starting to realize I might be

more of a loser, goofball, nerd than I'm, like...

comfortable admitting, so...

Welcome to the island life.

Isn't that right, Mountain Dew, baby?

I managed to sneak you one turkey.

-What? -[cover rustling]

Oh, wait, but how?

We put them all back.

[instrumental music]

[cover rustling]

[patriotic music]

Tell me, what Mountain did you say this Dew was from?

-7-Eleven, Jan. [laughs] -Mmm.

I mean, its bite just builds up your texture.

Why do American toxins taste so good?

'Cause we're the best.

Now, a victory bite to celebrate

our very first reverse exfil.

Mm.

Oh, yeah.

-I forgot how a dry turkey is. -Uh!

Not if you, uh, carpet bomb up with ketchup.

There's plenty left, too. There you go.

-Yep. -Mm.

[Patrick] Yeah, there you go.

That'll do the trick. Oh, yeah.

-It's good as hell. -I'm good, oh, yeah, no.

-It's delicious. -Yeah.

Don't.

-Do not. -Oh, you did it.

Yeah, he did it.

No, don't chase it with the goo.

[overlapping chatter]

Happy semi-Colonel Quinn-centennial, everybody.

[laughs]

[music continues]

[Papadakis] Who's ready to learn the dance

that took my prom by storm?

Five, six, seven, eight.

Everybody follow me to the left. To the right.

-Two steps back! -Whoo!

Papadakis slide.

Now, clap your hands.

Clap! Clap it!

This is pretty tank for Papadakis.

Now get down low and hump the ground.

There you go. That's it.

-Alright. -Yeah.

-Really get the ground pregnant. -It's getting intense.

Definitely had that Fountain Dew uncut.

Okay, are you sure this is the dance

that made you prom king?

Yeah, it was a COVID year.

It was all over Zoom.

Five, six, seven, eight!

To the left! To the right!

Two steps back!

Papadakis slide!

Clap your hands. Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!

Now get down low and hump the ground like crazy.

[children] It's going so well.

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