Original subtitles

This was how I always thought it would be.

Print charming, riding off into the sunset.

A storybook romance with a fairy tale ending.

Happily ever after.

This was how it was supposed to be.

Just like in the movies.

Ugh.

Oh.

Of course, the unpacking and getting settled into the new house was a bit

stressful.

If only we could afford a moving company.

Would have made life a whole lot easier.

Well, my life anyway.

Weddings can be far worse than birthdays in some ways.

You always seem to get gifts that you aren't quite sure what to do with.

You know exactly what I mean.

The gifts that you can't throw out for fear of hurting some distant relative's

feelings, nor can you display it proudly for fear of inciting a riot.

Not an easy spot to be in.

I imagine it would end up being re -gifted for some future event.

Anonymously, of course.

But if trying to decide the right time to re -gift that horrid item was the

worst of our worries, then we would have nothing to worry about.

All was right in the world.

We were, after all, in love.

Honey, I'm home!

Then I saw it.

The bra.

The one that wasn't mine.

That life -altering moment in time that every woman dreads.

Several things raced through my head.

Many ways to rationalize this one.

I'm sure there was a logical explanation after all.

Maybe he was a closet cross -dresser. Oh my God, could that be it?

I was ready to accept it.

Already planning the shopping sprees we could take together and think of the

money we would save on clothes.

Sharing a wardrobe.

Okay, I can live with this.

What was this?

What the hell is he doing? Why was that girl squatting in front of him? And why

was she naked?

And why did he have that?

Stupid smile on his face.

Then it hit me.

He wasn't a cross -dresser at all.

Listen,

baby, don't do anything rash.

I mean, it was just a blowjob.

Think about it. Nothing worse than shaking hands.

Shaking hands?

Hmm. I'll remember that the next time I've got my lips wrapped around some

guy's cock.

I'll be sure to let him know how pleased I am to make his acquaintance.

Baby.

And with that, I was out the door and out of that fairy tale for good.

So like all young men and women looking to start over and chase a dream, I set

out looking for my own rainbow and hopefully find a pot of gold.

I must have taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque, because I somehow ended up

Angeles.

Could be worse, I guess.

California was, after all, the land of sunny beaches, movie stars, swimming

pools, and, oh yeah, an overabundant supply of waitresses.

This was going to be good.

Step one.

Find a place to live.

Her name was Petal.

I could tell that L .A. would take some getting used to.

So where'd you say you're from again?

Oh, Beaufort, Georgia.

Aw, that's cute.

I love that accent.

So it's like this.

Just my boyfriend and I live here, so you'll have free run of the house.

And we don't ask much. Just let you in, pay your rent on time, and keep the

guests your minimum.

Sure thing, darling.

I won't be much trouble at all, I promise. It'll be like I'm not even

Cool. We're pretty laid back ourselves, you know, girly bed and all that.

This is Jimmy.

Let's do this with a hug.

I should have smelled trouble right then and there.

But I guess it was the lingering odor that followed him from the bathroom that

confused me.

I signed the lease 30 seconds later.

It was obvious from the start that my nights weren't going to be peaceful.

I don't think that Petal and Jimmy had any concept of discretion or manners,

they certainly weren't what I would call quiet.

They were both in their own world of, well, you know, sex.

God only knows what kind of kinky games they were up to.

I'm going to ride you like a quarter horse, Jimmy.

Yeah.

Let's go down there and suck on my shotgun.

Get down there.

You'd be a good little southern belle.

Look. Let me see what you got.

I got under here, Cowboys.

Show me where the real George Pitcher is.

How about to George?

Suck it.

Be a good little southern belle. Pleasure, man.

Yeah, that's the way you do it.

Petal, you're a dirty little whore.

Call me a little Georgia penis.

Call you a little Georgia slut?

A little southern slut?

Yeah, you don't know that.

I'm gonna ride my fucking car. I'm gonna ride my speed.

I'm gonna protect you from the south.

I'm gonna protect myself.

Now, I know what you are thinking.

Kind of hypocritical.

Here I am complaining about the noise, and next thing you know, I'm diddling

myself.

But I figure, can't beat them.

Join them, right?

Okay, I'll go to sleep now.

Good night.

Good morning.

Sleep well?

Well, actually, I think I'll find this to be a pretty quiet neighborhood.

Sure.

Morning,

Carmen. Sleep well?

Well, I mean... Good, because me, I slept fucking great.

So, what's on the agenda for today?

Well, I'm looking in the classifieds. I really need a job, and...

I guess I'm going to just follow a few leads.

What do you do?

You know, job skills.

Tell me you're not an actress.

But if you are, I can point you to a couple good restaurants and bars where

can wait in line to be a waitress.

No, no, no, no.

I'm not an actress.

I'm thinking something about like a secretarial job or some office work.

Oh, maybe Jimmy could help you.

Really? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Yeah, he works for the, let's just say,

An independent filmmaker, one of the best in town. Oh, how exciting!

Do you think he can help?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

You know, I rolled into town on fumes, I'm low on cash, a job would be great

right now.

So what kind of movies does he make?

Okay, folks, okay?

Let y 'all get together on this one, we're running a little bit late here.

But we're going to get an awesome scene out of this one, okay? We got Manuel and

Tiffany. They're two trained professionals.

Tiffany's already a veteran. She's been here seven days.

So, the mood I'm looking for here, Fran... Only my second day in Los

and I was employed.

As the second assistant to the assistant producer, it was my responsibility to

provide the necessary hygiene products to the town. I think if you go with the

motto of the dick doesn't suck itself... That should inspire enough, okay?

Not exactly what I had in mind, but Jimmy explained to me that here in the

Valley, it was steady work. I'll take it.

Maybe a little banter, a little hugging, and then maybe something, I don't know,

soft kisses, okay?

I guess we're going to go ahead and start from the bed and just move into

finger banging. That seems good. Okay, now remember I want to play a reaction

shot, okay? I want to see some faces.

And if they need anything, honey, you need to be on the spot on this thing,

okay? Okay, ready? Here we go, people. Let's roll this thing up.

And with that, the two tore into each other like crazed animals.

I was no prude, mind you.

But I wasn't exactly used to seeing people have sex right in front of me. I

wanting to close a door or throw a curtain, something to give them a little

privacy.

ex -pool boy, now Navy SEAL. Your husband could be coming. You're thinking

yourself, do I resist or do I go tip to root on his nutsack?

That's the expression. Oh, that's what I'm talking about.

Now, honey, your motivation here is that you're drowning and his balls contain

oxygen. Suck that cock.

It's what's going to get me the next big award show.

I'm going to be sitting there going, I'd like to thank Tiffany and her. Go, go,

go, go.

Woman looks like a squirrel with nuts in her. Look it, she's storing it for the

winter here. You're like a chipmunk. Look it.

You're great.

You idiot. Wipe the face. Come on, huh?

Jesus. I can't eat no deli sandwich with the goddamn baby batter.

Take it.

She's not a trash can, honey.

Can I have some, please?

All right, Jesus. Well, I'm sorry.

It's okay, man. Yeah, I mean... Oh, Jesus.

Okay, people.

Let's wrap it up. Let's have some lunch.

Lunch?

Not sure I would be thinking about lunch with my face covered in man juice.

Yep, Los Angeles was going to take some getting used to. What's up, Carmen?

Hey. What, you not hungry?

No, not much of an appetite at the moment.

Too bad.

Good stuff.

You think catering's pretty shitty, but this stuff?

I'll catch up to you later.

Okay.

It wasn't that bad, actually.

Once you got used to the scenery and everyone was really nice and friendly,

lingo had me lost, though.

I learned whole new meanings for everyday phrases.

I learned to be careful when asking for an ATM or a facial.

Even learned that a DP had nothing to do with directing photography.

You must be new.

Yeah, that I am.

I'm Carmen.

Lance.

Lance Rock.

Nice to meet you, Lance.

You know, it might be a smart move for your career if you were to work with me.

Really?

Of course.

Well, I'm not sure why you would want to work with me, but I could definitely

use the help.

Yeah.

You like cowgirl?

Well, I don't write as much as I used to, but I try to get some in every once

a while.

Oh, that's a joke. Lance gets it.

You're funny.

Yeah, you like standing scissors?

Well, I'm not much into yoga and stuff like that, but I'll try anything once,

I guess.

That's not a joke. I'll answer it. You're priceless.

You're priceless.

We'll rock together.

We'll electrify him.

Okay.

Lance, you're up next.

That thing better be hard enough to drive a KS -52 2x4 before the time of

election. Copy that.

Hey, baby, I gotta go to work.

So let's say after work you and I get together and we can party, have a few

drinks, and then go home and practice some anal, huh?

Always good to practice.

I'm gonna go.

Later.

I'm coming!

Now I know what you are thinking.

Dumb little southern girl.

But hey, this was a whole new world for me. And with a language all its own. My

porno speak was still a bit rusty.

Then it hit me like a, well, like a rock hard cock right upside my face.

Now I knew what he meant by wanting to work with me.

Another lesson in porno speak.

Work translated as to fuck.

Now my head was spinning.

This was all moving a bit too fast, I guess.

Only two days in the valley and already I was giving second thoughts to trading

in my cowboy boots for a new pair of clear plastic stripper shoes.

I'd have to think this one through a bit.

Then I saw Jimmy, a camera in one hand and the back of some girl's head in the

other. Hey, Carmen, what's up?

Jimmy?

Yeah, this is my friend Wendy Love. Wendy?

Carmen.

Hi.

Hey,

Carmen, you want to do me a favor?

Sure. I'm shooting my new POV line, and shit, I could really appreciate it if

you could hold the camera while I get some rhythm going.

Oh, okay.

Thanks. Make sure you stay on all the action right here.

Now this was simply two months.

End of day two in the valley, and now I'm a pornographer.

Yep, Los Angeles was going to take a lot of getting used to.

And what is it about guys and blowjobs? I was beginning to think that my ex was

right. Getting your dick sucked was like shaking hands.

I was going to have to start rethinking everything I had learned in charm

school.

How am I doing, okay?

You're doing pretty good. She keeps up.

just providing more space.

Pretty good.

Was it a bad interview?

It was a great one.

Cut.

Jimmy, direct coach will see you right away. We got problems.

On set, hurry.

Damn it.

What?

Yeah, yeah, Jimmy. God damn, where have you been? Listen.

We have got a problem, okay?

That replacement, that great star that you decided to give me, yeah, she didn't

show up, okay?

Oh, man.

We got a no -show situation.

We are on DEFCON 5.

You better do something.

She was already a last -minute replacement.

That 100 -person Evan Stone reverse gangbang's being shot down. There is no

other girl, man.

There's no more.

Gone. Zero.

Okay, listen here. What we got is a failure to communicate, okay?

We need a female here. So unless, of course, you want to put on makeup and

heels, you better think of something.

Okay?

Two tits, a hole, and a heartbeat. That's all I need.

Moment of truth.

I'd have to admit that I was certainly intrigued by the idea.

Like I said, I was no prude.

But then again, this would be a bold step for me.

Remembering how my ex Eric had cheated on me kind of gave me the feeling that I

should jump in with both feet and enjoy the experience just out of spite.

Didn't think that my trip to California would end up with me acting in an adult

movie.

But then again, how often do things really happen the way we plan?

What we're looking here is some kind of, um... I want to see a reaction

in your face that, you know, says, I've come back from the war, I

haven't seen you in a long time, but the dick ain't gonna suck itself.

You know, something of a love story.

This was it.

Put up or shut up time.

Jump in or run away.

Then it hit me.

It's no more than a handshake.

That's it. Spit on Lance's duck.

Light throat, light stomach.

As you can see, my life wasn't going to work out exactly how I had planned in

the beginning, but I was determined to make it.

I was learning that life happens and you either run away and hide or take every

opportunity that presents itself.

You never know.

I might even decide to become a porn star.