Original subtitles

We appreciate you taking the time to sit down with us.

I'm gonna be honest with you, I'm just here to pick up my morning cinnamon bun.

Actually, we requested this meeting because we want you to purchase...

- No. - Let me finish. Damn.

We'd like you to purchase some floor mats. We stand all day making 600 lunches.

You ever seen my gait? It is off.

Principal Coleman, your turn now for rebuttal.

Now, why are you here?

I'm an experienced mediator. Head of a bull, body of a man.

That's a minotaur, not a mediator.

So that's your position?

Kitchen staff, care to rebut?

You don't know these bunions.

Look... my heels have never come within three inches of this school floor,

so if I can do that, I'm sure y'all will be totally fine.

Nothing else? No further comments?

That's how it's done.

Now it's time to focus on my next big mediation,

brokering peace in the Middle West.

That's what I call the dispute between Michigan and Ohio State.

Jesus! I got rain in places you're not supposed to have rain in.

Talking about my pockets.

Holy moly.

- It just started pouring out there. - Seriously.

- Oh, Barb, your hair is... - What?

Not something I should be commenting on.

Oh, God.

Wha...

Where should I set up?

Set up for what?

For picture day.

- Ava. - Janine.

Ava, this man says he's here for picture day.

Okay, well, who the hell is he?

- The photographer. - Photographer.

Oh, damn.

Ava, how could you forget to inform us about this?

I forget so many things all the time

and it... it just falls through the cracks and then it's fine.

Oh, let's see. I've forgotten to hand out paychecks.

Which, victimless crime.

Teachers' birthdays. Who cares?

Oh, and I forgot to follow through on the HVAC fixes at the start of the year.

But everybody grew a lot from that.

So you're welcome.

Okay, there is no way

that we're gonna make a bunch of soaking wet kids presentable in time for this.

Yeah, could you please come back another day?

Oh. Yeah, that's what you guys asked me back in September,

and now here I am.

This is it, today or nothing.

Well, looks like we have no choice except to make it work.

So, everybody, grab your hair ties, your ballies,

your Vaseline, and let's snap to it.

- All right. - Oh! Love that. That's great.

I'm soaked.

Oh! Aw.

Oh, well, spin around a few times, maybe that'll help.

No, I think that's just gonna make him dizzy and not even drip dry.

- All right. Well, it was a thought. - No... Yeah, no. You okay?

There we go. Lord!

The rain really did a number on these children.

Jesus be a glam squad, yes.

What we need Jesus to do is turn water into...

well, not water. Yeah.

Ms. Teagues, why are we even doing this?

Yeah, we don't wanna do picture day.

What? No. Guys, picture day is great.

It's a day that we celebrate who you are in this moment,

and this singular photo will be a memory that lasts a lifetime.

- Mmm. - Boo.

I got to get the rest of the primary grades done before lunch,

so let's just knock out your teacher pictures now.

- Huh? - No, wait, wait.

Now, I thought that I would have some time,

you know, to get myself together.

Yeah, and I thought I'd have a chance to really do something

to make this outfit pop.

I was thinking of doing something like... like this.

- Like, is this... - Yeah.

- No. - Oh, no.

You guys look...

Oh, let's just take the picture, huh? Let's "Git-R-Done."

Larry the Cable Guy.

- Just one-one-one second. - Smile!

Hey. So, um, I didn't have time to practice my smile.

You practice your smile?

I never learned how to smile on demand.

You're my boyfriend. How did I not know this about you?

- I hide it really well. - Oh.

- Um, how's this? - Okay.

Oh... Oh, don't-don't show them.

- Yikes. - Um...

That is good.

- Right? - Yes.

- Yeah, right? - Good. Yeah.

- I remember Tyra said it's in the eyes. - So happy we binged Top Model.

- Okay, I'll do that. - Okay. Okay.

Ooh, maybe a... maybe a little less, Gregory.

Much less.

Wanna sit down?

- Gregory. - That's a ch-choice.

Slow down.

Oh. How did your classes' picture day go?

I think we got them halfway presentable.

Meaning we were only able to dry the top half of the kids,

so they will be "mermaiding" it for the rest of the day.

Aw, whatever.

You're supposed to look awkward on picture day. It's a canon event.

Well, in that way, it'll be nice.

The day we got rained out on picture day, but at least we did it together.

Clear out the area. I'm making a scene, y'all.

You changed?

Don't be mad at me 'cause you wear the same outfit every day

like a cartoon character.

No, I don't.

But if I did, I'd be like Ms. Frizzle.

Or... Patti Mayonnaise. Or Phil and Lil's lesbian mom...

So you did know this was today.

No, I have a closet in my office and my own equipment at the ready,

and the gym has the best lighting.

It's not my fault y'all don't have contingency plans.

Oh, I got contingency plans.

You wouldn't believe the amount of contingency plans.

Not for this, but, you know...

Yo, y'all, we got sloppy joes for lunch today.

Sloppy joes? Our kids take pictures after lunch.

Yeah, I can't have them all "sloppy-joed."

They don't have the hand-eye coordination to pull off a clean joe.

Why would they serve that today?

Uh, Ava, why are they staring at you like that?

Ooh, they playing dirty.

Before you can work in this kitchen, there's two books you need to read:

The Joy of Cooking and The Art of War.

Yeah, so I came up with a plan to utilize the leverage we have.

I got that idea from The Art of War.

Never made it to The Joy of Cooking.

You "net-heads" trying to sabotage picture day by serving sloppy joes.

I don't think you can say that.

What, "net-heads" or "sloppy joes"?

Just give us the mats.

And the kids don't get sloppy, Joe.

Okay, huddle up. Here's the situation.

Roll over, you're dead. They won.

No, no, do not let them ruin picture day with their collective action.

Oh, my God. What am I?

Oh, what, so I cave on the mats and what's next?

Non-slip clogs for the entire kitchen staff?

Do you really wanna deal with the parents again

when the kids bring home photos with tomato sauce

splattered all over their shirts?

Hey, we use ketchup.

You sons of bitches.

Ugh.

Ugh, fine, you can have your stupid floor mats.

- Wait, really? - Yeah. Now get this slop out of here.

We didn't think you'd cave so soon.

So we don't have a backup lunch.

Then no deal.

We could just serve them buns.

I mean, maybe it'll be fine.

These are the older kids we're talking about.

Yeah.

I think I have some Red Lobster bibs in my purse.

Yeah, I think I got a Tide pen for that kid.

Y'all better hurry the hell up.

- It's picture day. - Um...

Great.

Okay, Mr. Hill's class, you're up.

Okay, guys. Richie. Richie, you're up.

What's wrong with him? Is it the stain?

Nothing's wrong with him. He's having a great day.

Okay. Next up.

Chloe, smile.

I don't want to.

Next up.

All right, someone else, please.

Okay, stop. Hold it. Halt.

We need to retake all of those. They need to smile.

Nobody smiles in pictures anymore.

What do you... What? What? What do you mean?

It's so fake.

Okay, but it's school pictures, guys. You're supposed to smile.

Aren't you always telling us to question the things we're supposed to do?

Yeah, but that's when you're fighting oppression.

White man telling me what to do?

Feels like oppression to me.

Okay, you guys are gonna want nice pictures for future TBTs

because I assume that will come back around again.

Smiling is for the oppressors.

None of the people you teach us about are smiling in their photos.

I don't remember Martin Luther King Jr. Cheesing in pictures.

Yeah, he said, "I have a dream."

Not, "I have a smile."

Well, maybe Dr. King frowned so that you can smile.

I'm gonna tell my mom you said that.

Please don't.

- Just take the picture. - Yeah. Here we go.

Yeah.

- Okay. - Oh, no. Our photos are up.

Let's go take a look.

Hey, that was a rough day last week. Buckle up.

Well, maybe it won't be that bad.

Oh, my God. Look at her.

No, that's what she wants us to do.

- Mm-hmm. - Wow.

Talk about a Portrait of a Lady on Fire.

Oh, my God. The one day I wear a bland top.

Ugh! Laundry day.

Am I doing the Anthony Mackie smile?

I'm wearing my mascara as blush. That's great.

- Oh. - Um...

Barbara.

Yes, sweetheart?

Why do you look so amazing?

Born that way, dear.

Born awfully smooth.

Ugh.

Y'all look tired as hell.

Except for Barbara, who seems to be aging backwards.

Y'all need to step your game up.

Barb, what the hell? You look flawless.

Why, thank you. Brought to you by deep sleep and lots of water.

I have known you for six years, and I've never seen you drink water once.

Yeah, Barb, we all looked particularly rough that day,

and that roughness is not reflected in your photo.

- Well, what do you want me to say? - The truth.

As somebody who takes hydration very seriously... 64-Ounce Club...

I can attest that it doesn't result in a soft focus filter.

Yeah, or a vignette border.

- Or an added sparkle in your eye. - Okay, fine.

Taylor just happens to be quite gifted at photo airbrushing

on a phone app called Mirage your Visage.

So she put my photo through it, and...

That being said, she hardly did a thing.

Fixed a flyaway, simple stuff.

Come on, Barb. Your hair was like...

Not for me to comment on.

Exactly.

Now, if you will excuse me.

- Okay, she's being ridiculous, right? - Yes.

Because we don't need to put our photos through some app.

It's fine. It's not a big deal.

Exactly. And who cares about these photos anyway?

If anything, doing all that makes it look silly.

Yeah, I mean, come on, she's backlit, for God's sakes.

Ah, Barb. Barbetty, Barb, Barb, Barb. Silly.

- Morning. - Morning.

Now that you've got your mats,

I expect there will be a little extra glaze on my cinnamon buns?

Of course. Hey, Wendell, do we have that principal special ready?

I most certainly do.

- Make it yourself. - Bon appétit.

So, you gonna eat that or not?

I don't know what the hell that was about.

Kitchen crew must be a little raw after our negotiations.

I'll give them a day. Hell, I'll give them a day and a half.

That's just the type of tyrant that I am.

Wearing that when she runs fashion club is crazy.

I'm embarrassed for her.

Yeah, I heard those who can't do, teach.

Uh, I can do, yeah.

Would have done something whimsical with the shoulders, had I known.

Yeah, she dresses great, y'all. All right?

- We just didn't know. - Yeah.

What's your excuse, Mr. Eddie? First time trying to smile?

Wouldn't be my first time giving somebody detention, I'll tell you that.

Whoa. I look dope.

Same. Didn't one of you teachers start a modelling club?

'Cause I think I just ended it. Ooh.

Okay, you guys do not look dope. You look... you look mad.

Oh. So our neutral face looks like anger to you?

What? No, no.

You're hitting a microaggression record this month, Mr. C.

Okay. I am not, and stop the count.

No, not like that. Uh...

Guys, smiling in photos is nice, okay?

It's sweet and... and it's a signal to the world that...

That you have food in your teeth?

Your smile has more spinach than teeth.

That's impossible. I didn't even have spinach that day, okay?

I had an arugula salad...

It's worse than they said. How did I not see that earlier?

And why did nobody mention it? Rude. "Arudegula."

Okay, look at mine. I feel like the eyes are following me.

Are they freaking following me?

It's so annoying that we have to have these up here.

Yeah, but come on, who cares?

It's not like the kids could respect you any less.

So one time they threw ketchup packets at him

because they said he looked like a French fry...

dipped in ketchup.

Because he freaking does, okay?

So they threw ketchup packets at him.

And, bam, one hits him, like, bam, right in the face, right?

And it just busts open, ketchup everywhere.

The kid really had to whip it because they don't just bust open like that.

The kid had a can and he just... Bam!

Hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. She...

She photoshopped herself a new shirt.

Yup, I would have remembered those shoulder pads.

First Barbara, now Janine.

Looking like a Mighty Duck. Mmm.

Hey, Barb, listen. I got this cousin, Frankie... boy, he's ugly as sin, right?

He fell out of the ugly tree, hit every branch on the way down.

He walks in the room, babies start crying.

Anyway, he's trying to get back on the dating apps and fix his pictures.

I told him he looked fine. I was lying.

So anyway, I vaguely remembered that you had this app... I don't know,

maybe I'm making it up in my head... to fix pictures?

Again, this isn't for me. It's for Frankie.

Melissa, would you like to fix your photo?

- I would. - It's called Mirage your Visage.

You can find it on your application store if you know your password.

I know my password.

Well, good for you, 'cause I sure didn't. Mm-mmm.

Did I add too many gaps to her teeth, or is it hilarious?

- Hilarious. She looks crazy. - I know.

Are we making fun of their photos?

Wait, I wrote some down.

"Janine's shoulders are so dumb, she should..."

"Sup, y'all, I'm Principal Buttface"?

Well, I'll be.

I knew a Charlie Buttface in dental school. Any relation?

Clean that off.

Okay, first off, I think I looked great,

and if it's universally liked, then it's not fashion.

But everyone else is feeling insecure, which made me feel insecure,

so I switched it. Again.

Of course I am...

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

I was dusting.

What the freckle?

Look, I just got rid of the circles under my eyes,

and then my cheeks were feeling a little naked,

so I added a bit of pizzazz.

Janine, you are better than this. Come on.

Uh, are you better than this? All of a sudden, you got a smoke eye.

- Smoky eye. - That's what I said, smoke eye.

- Smoky... - You changed your picture too.

Or do your cheekbones just photograph higher?

Look at this guy. What, all of a sudden, you flossed?

I just restored how I naturally look, okay?

Those are my real-life bare-naked teeth.

- No. - I didn't do what you and SZA did.

Excuse me, your teeth have never been that white.

Your mouth could guide ships in from a storm.

Y'all, this is getting out of hand.

Don't pretend like you didn't do anything.

- You obviously made your ears bigger. - Wha... I didn't.

Your eyes, you fixed them to make them the same size.

What's wrong with my eyes? I fixed my smile.

- Aha! - Come on, Gregory.

That is still barely a smirk.

And whatever happened to embracing natural beauty

- and enhancing what God gave you? - Excuse me? Excuse me?

You started it, Barb.

You look like Cybill Shepherd...

Vaseline over the entire picture.

All too smooth. It's all smooth.

Dang. All of our teachers look bad.

Shame you couldn't just stick with a real photo like I did.

Did you guys get pranked?

No, we did not get pranked, okay?

We did some light retouching because we had been through so much that morning.

- That's right. - Yes. Rough day.

I don't like the way I look.

Should I change mine too, Ms. Teagues?

- Oh, no, baby. - I...

I want to say something unpopular.

When do you not?

I think we should put back our original photos.

- What? - No, you looked all... What would...

What would putting a terrible picture back up of yourself do?

Hey, I look great from the nose up.

Yeah, but they know we've already changed the photographs.

They can't unsee the old ones.

Right, but what are we teaching them?

To be proactive.

- To problem-solve. - Mmm.

That looks are everything and the sooner they learn that, the better.

No. We're teaching them that they should be constantly chasing perfection,

and that is an endless pursuit.

You better speak for yourself. I'm a dime piece.

No, she's right.

We can't teach them that the way they look will never be good enough.

Oh, okay. To be clear, I do think I look good enough.

It's just the picture that sucked.

I think we need to show them that you can be happy with how you look.

Well, I think we've already burned that bridge.

Well, we did with those photos.

He stalling until he can think of something.

He's right.

But I've got it now.

Hey, did y'all take the sugar out of the teachers' lounge?

Foodstuff does fall under our jurisdiction.

Okay, I've had enough.

I let you throw your little temper tantrum.

I let you deface my photo.

And I even bought your little dumb standing mats. So what's your deal now?

You think it's all good because of the mats?

- It's bigger than that. - You don't respect us.

This is a school. We're all disrespected.

- Maybe by the kids. - And by the district.

And our own families. But by our coworkers?

I thought we was in this together.

Yet, for some reason, the cafeteria staff is never included in picture day.

Why would you get your picture taken?

We don't include you in the yearbook.

I'm gonna kill her.

Y'all think we just back here microwaving nuggets,

but every day I make special gluten-free and dairy-free meals

for the kids with allergies.

We are the first people in this school, making breakfast for these children.

We care about them just as much as their teachers do.

And it'd be nice if you guys would notice that.

I get it. Thank you,

guy Shanae.

- Wendell. - Dell. I know.

You think I don't know his name?

Thank you, Randall.

Look, no one is more underappreciated than me, so I get it.

I'm not gonna buy them anything else, but that was a pretty low lift.

Also, they were getting way too close to realizing their power,

and I can't have that.

Aw, look at that.

Wow, Ms. Teagues. That outfit looks fantastic.

Yeah, very Bring It On, but also very you.

That's the best compliment I've ever gotten.

That means a lot coming from you two.

I think you look adorable.

- Me? Look at your cute little face. - Nah.

- All right, it's pretty cute. - Mm-hmm.

Mrs. Howard, is that you?

Why, yes, it is.

But how?

Oh, thank you very much.

You are absolutely precious.

Aw, thank you.

And look at you. You look so cool.

Yeah, 'cause I was. Never had an awkward phase.

Make some room, y'all.

- Oh. - What is this now?

Looks like a couple of Bon Appétit models to me.

So you hired a fancy photographer for the kitchen staff,

but you won't hire one for us teachers?

Well, if you helped out the students even a fraction of the amount

that the kitchen staff does and brought me my morning cinnamon buns,

I might have considered.

All right, go ahead. Let me have it.

Dang, Mr. C, you didn't tell us you were Millie Bobby Brown's twin.

Yeah, what was school like in the Upside Down?

Gotcha. See, I knew you could smile for a photo.

I am going to frame this and hang it in the classroom.

So what do you want to do later?

What's wrong with my ears?

What?

The picture day picture. Everyone was saying that it was...

No. No, no, no. Listen to me, your ears are perfect, okay?

People wish they had your ears.

Who?

Alfred E. Neuman.

What class is he in?

He... Never mind.

And my smile?

That could use some work, I'm not gonna lie to you.

But maybe we can practice. Okay?

Look, let me take a picture of you.

We can practice with taking pictures.

- Okay. - Okay. So...

Say, "Cheese."

"Cheese." Like, "Cheese."

You gotta smile from your diaphragm. Trust me.

You gotta start way down here.

It's worth a try.

- That was amazing. Wow. - Yeah?

Yeah.

Now we just need to do something about those ears.

Are they big or are they small?

Let's put it this way.

Either Paul Stanley or David Letterman would be really jealous of you.

You listen to Kiss?

Sometimes.

Okay. Rad.