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I've dreamed of this day since forever.
2
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I started clipping from bridal magazines
3
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when I was 8.
4
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The dress, the flowers, the venue.
5
00:00:10,987 --> 00:00:12,280
By the time I was 20,
6
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I'd collaged the most perfect wedding.
7
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Even my mother approved.
8
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But you, my almost husband,
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you had yet to manifest.
10
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I started to lose hope.
11
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But then, like a
knight in shining Zegna,
12
00:00:28,296 --> 00:00:31,195
you stuck your hand between
two closing subway doors for me
13
00:00:31,483 --> 00:00:32,741
and smiled.
14
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Very nice.
15
00:00:35,336 --> 00:00:36,863
You don't think it's too much?
16
00:00:36,888 --> 00:00:38,482
Everybody loves Pink Powder Pout.
17
00:00:38,507 --> 00:00:39,578
No, I meant the vows.
18
00:00:39,603 --> 00:00:41,789
Your vows are as
perfect as your eyebrows.
19
00:00:41,976 --> 00:00:43,623
How come you got the good eyebrows?
20
00:00:43,648 --> 00:00:44,961
Your story is so good.
21
00:00:45,173 --> 00:00:47,175
You think it's too late
to rewrite mine and Joel's?
22
00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:49,786
Something that doesn't include
a mix-up at the dermatologist?
23
00:00:49,817 --> 00:00:52,445
Lily, I'm collecting advice on marriage.
24
00:00:52,446 --> 00:00:54,429
How do you and Tom keep things fresh?
25
00:00:54,672 --> 00:00:56,215
Food and sex.
26
00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:57,609
Make them think you like both,
27
00:00:57,758 --> 00:00:59,552
- you'll have a happy couple.
- I do.
28
00:00:59,577 --> 00:01:01,329
Cut the food in half and triple the sex.
29
00:01:01,330 --> 00:01:03,195
You ladies want a drink? Champagne.
30
00:01:03,220 --> 00:01:04,599
- Yes, please.
- Bring the bottle.
31
00:01:07,788 --> 00:01:09,128
Faster, bridezilla.
32
00:01:09,129 --> 00:01:11,506
Monique Lhuillier does not forgive.
33
00:01:11,507 --> 00:01:13,897
I'm going as fast as I can, bitch.
34
00:01:13,922 --> 00:01:15,787
Not my fault there's
no SoulCycle up here.
35
00:01:15,812 --> 00:01:17,772
Thank God they had yoga in the gazebo.
36
00:01:17,803 --> 00:01:19,881
Bumpkin yoga, but at
least it was something.
37
00:01:19,906 --> 00:01:21,194
Civilization!
38
00:01:22,602 --> 00:01:23,889
Faster!
39
00:01:30,316 --> 00:01:32,485
- Do you have LaCroix?
- La what?
40
00:01:32,486 --> 00:01:34,153
Bubbly water? Flavor, no sugar?
41
00:01:34,154 --> 00:01:35,404
We got ginger ale.
42
00:01:36,572 --> 00:01:38,115
Mmkay. Awesome.
43
00:01:38,441 --> 00:01:39,842
Thank you so much.
44
00:01:40,576 --> 00:01:42,286
You were all about my
wedding being up here
45
00:01:42,287 --> 00:01:44,330
- when we were planning it.
- That's because we were in Aspen
46
00:01:44,331 --> 00:01:45,441
when we were planning it.
47
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A summer wedding in the country
48
00:01:46,818 --> 00:01:48,935
sounded just warmer to me at the time.
49
00:01:50,721 --> 00:01:51,721
Ew.
50
00:01:53,958 --> 00:01:55,048
See?
51
00:01:55,073 --> 00:01:57,326
Someone up here is
having a theme wedding.
52
00:01:57,434 --> 00:02:00,780
I'm telling you, I look
very right in 1930s chic.
53
00:02:00,805 --> 00:02:02,348
We could've done the whole
"Downton Abbey" thing.
54
00:02:02,349 --> 00:02:04,433
- Okay, tick check.
- What, we're on to Lyme now?
55
00:02:04,434 --> 00:02:06,352
- What happened to Zika?
- I made the wedding planner
56
00:02:06,353 --> 00:02:08,565
do a citronella perimeter
around the ceremony.
57
00:02:08,590 --> 00:02:11,386
You're welcome for your
beautiful, bug-free wedding.
58
00:02:11,453 --> 00:02:13,651
- Not like mine.
- Your wedding was beautiful.
59
00:02:14,091 --> 00:02:16,575
It was Modern Orthodox
in a temple social hall.
60
00:02:16,754 --> 00:02:18,047
All for Joel's bitch mother.
61
00:02:18,072 --> 00:02:19,407
Hey, our mom's a bitch, too.
62
00:02:19,408 --> 00:02:21,367
Yeah, well, at least
she doesn't keep kosher.
63
00:02:21,368 --> 00:02:23,286
I couldn't even have
buttercream frosting.
64
00:02:23,287 --> 00:02:25,552
Sorry, "Cake Boss."
Nobody likes fondant.
65
00:02:25,577 --> 00:02:28,155
God ye good den, fair maidens.
66
00:02:28,189 --> 00:02:31,394
Might I retrieve a Dew of the Mountain?
67
00:02:37,602 --> 00:02:38,889
Thank thee.
68
00:02:43,266 --> 00:02:46,686
Yeah, that's who does a theme wedding.
69
00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:54,577
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com
70
00:02:54,806 --> 00:02:57,366
I cannot get over this place.
71
00:02:57,391 --> 00:02:59,560
It's like that place my dads took me to
72
00:02:59,585 --> 00:03:01,991
in France after I got
bat mitzvahed at Masada.
73
00:03:01,992 --> 00:03:03,326
The French countryside?
74
00:03:03,327 --> 00:03:04,952
Yes, that.
75
00:03:04,953 --> 00:03:06,412
Ah, so pretty.
76
00:03:06,413 --> 00:03:08,289
We talked about France,
but Brett has that thing
77
00:03:08,290 --> 00:03:09,514
where he takes on the accent.
78
00:03:09,539 --> 00:03:10,957
Ugh, he did that with my house cleaner.
79
00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:12,168
Check it, bitches.
80
00:03:13,711 --> 00:03:15,842
- Pretty. So pretty.
- Oh, my God.
81
00:03:16,213 --> 00:03:17,671
Ahh!
82
00:03:19,899 --> 00:03:21,235
Guys, I'm in my Spanx.
83
00:03:21,682 --> 00:03:22,845
- I posted.
- Me too.
84
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:23,612
- Delete.
- Got it.
85
00:03:23,637 --> 00:03:24,221
- Deleted.
- Done.
86
00:03:24,246 --> 00:03:25,246
Oh, sorry.
87
00:03:25,510 --> 00:03:27,325
Now, from the collar bone up.
88
00:03:27,350 --> 00:03:28,476
Perf!
89
00:03:28,477 --> 00:03:30,186
- Adding a filter.
- So good.
90
00:03:30,211 --> 00:03:31,583
What hashtag are you guys using?
91
00:03:31,608 --> 00:03:33,292
Oh, my God, you guys, look.
92
00:03:33,535 --> 00:03:35,203
Two years ago today.
93
00:03:35,228 --> 00:03:36,863
Oh.
94
00:03:37,266 --> 00:03:39,761
Now, that would've
been good wedding hair.
95
00:03:40,149 --> 00:03:41,692
I remember this night.
96
00:03:41,717 --> 00:03:43,758
We took edibles, and
I thought I was dying.
97
00:03:43,783 --> 00:03:45,175
Oh, barely felt them.
98
00:03:45,636 --> 00:03:46,971
What? I have a high tolerance.
99
00:03:46,996 --> 00:03:49,138
Yeah, and then you and Farah
left me alone to sleep it off.
100
00:03:49,163 --> 00:03:50,473
Oh, yeah.
101
00:03:50,498 --> 00:03:52,339
But Brett stayed with me all night.
102
00:03:52,927 --> 00:03:54,324
I puked in front of him.
103
00:03:54,585 --> 00:03:56,128
I don't even do that in front of my mom.
104
00:03:56,129 --> 00:03:57,699
Because she critiques your form.
105
00:03:57,797 --> 00:03:58,988
"Don't strain.
106
00:03:59,013 --> 00:04:00,983
You'll pop a blood vessel in your eye."
107
00:04:02,051 --> 00:04:04,582
He didn't care that I was
a disgusting train wreck.
108
00:04:04,607 --> 00:04:07,144
I felt so safe in his big, scruffy arms.
109
00:04:07,169 --> 00:04:08,741
You made him wax the scruff, though.
110
00:04:08,766 --> 00:04:10,605
- Gone.
- Lexi, grab the crinoline.
111
00:04:11,218 --> 00:04:13,178
Aww, is that your mom's veil?
112
00:04:13,203 --> 00:04:14,288
No.
113
00:04:14,313 --> 00:04:15,504
It's mine.
114
00:04:15,529 --> 00:04:16,668
I might be miserable,
115
00:04:16,693 --> 00:04:18,292
but I'm still on husband number one,
116
00:04:18,317 --> 00:04:19,886
so we thought it had better juju.
117
00:04:21,470 --> 00:04:22,652
Holy...
118
00:04:22,677 --> 00:04:24,371
Gwyneth is here!
119
00:04:24,573 --> 00:04:25,683
Gwyneth's here.
120
00:04:25,708 --> 00:04:27,668
Oh, yay, she made it.
121
00:04:27,827 --> 00:04:30,746
Her prenatal smoothie recipes
are totally how we conceived.
122
00:04:30,747 --> 00:04:32,415
Oh, good, good, good.
123
00:04:32,416 --> 00:04:35,126
Gwynnie's here. Gwynnie's here.
124
00:04:35,127 --> 00:04:38,379
Oh, Erin, remind me to ask her
for Blythe's e-mail address.
125
00:04:38,380 --> 00:04:39,714
The one she gave me, I don't know,
126
00:04:39,715 --> 00:04:41,215
it just keeps bouncing back.
127
00:04:41,216 --> 00:04:42,383
- Imagine that.
- Erin.
128
00:04:42,384 --> 00:04:43,676
On it. Mom, we got you
129
00:04:43,701 --> 00:04:45,807
your very own mother-of-the-bride suite.
130
00:04:47,794 --> 00:04:49,171
Oh, Mandy.
131
00:04:49,196 --> 00:04:52,078
Oh, Mandy, my Amanda.
132
00:04:52,849 --> 00:04:56,574
You look like an angel.
133
00:04:57,231 --> 00:04:59,676
A Jewish one... the best kind.
134
00:05:00,401 --> 00:05:03,332
Oh, and you're still
wearing that ballerina dress.
135
00:05:03,357 --> 00:05:05,339
- In her underwear.
- And we're out.
136
00:05:05,364 --> 00:05:06,365
Come on. Move along.
137
00:05:06,366 --> 00:05:07,700
Darling, darling.
138
00:05:07,701 --> 00:05:08,868
Let's get you more to drink.
139
00:05:08,869 --> 00:05:10,016
Oh, good.
140
00:05:10,041 --> 00:05:11,345
Oh, my God.
141
00:05:11,370 --> 00:05:12,663
Ooh, it's Brett.
142
00:05:12,664 --> 00:05:13,690
He wants to FaceTime.
143
00:05:13,715 --> 00:05:15,224
- Don't let him see you.
- Get it.
144
00:05:15,249 --> 00:05:16,674
- It's bad luck.
- It's fine. It's fine.
145
00:05:16,776 --> 00:05:17,902
Hey, sweetie.
146
00:05:19,003 --> 00:05:20,855
Babe? Brett?
147
00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:22,481
Wait. Is your volume down? Give me that.
148
00:05:22,712 --> 00:05:24,395
Brett, I think you butt-dialed me.
149
00:05:25,372 --> 00:05:26,739
Yeah, baby.
150
00:05:29,305 --> 00:05:30,575
What?
151
00:05:31,807 --> 00:05:33,497
Yeah, baby. Yeah. Yeah, right there.
152
00:05:33,522 --> 00:05:34,981
Oh, my God. Oh.
153
00:05:52,542 --> 00:05:54,057
Come back!
154
00:05:54,082 --> 00:05:55,598
Follow her. Where are all the cars?
155
00:05:55,623 --> 00:05:56,998
The photographers from Town & Country
156
00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:58,287
said they didn't want
them in the foreground.
157
00:05:58,312 --> 00:05:59,654
Ugh, them must've parked
them down the hill.
158
00:05:59,679 --> 00:06:00,935
Ugh!
159
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,685
Oh, stop being so dramatic.
160
00:06:03,710 --> 00:06:05,649
Okay, you realize that is hilarious
161
00:06:05,674 --> 00:06:06,675
coming from you, right?
162
00:06:06,676 --> 00:06:07,873
Opa!
163
00:06:08,549 --> 00:06:13,193
Now, who wants the mystery pill
from the bottom of my purse?
164
00:06:13,449 --> 00:06:14,450
Mom!
165
00:06:27,727 --> 00:06:28,923
Are you out of your mind?
166
00:06:30,866 --> 00:06:32,623
- You... how could you?
- Amanda... Amanda, wait, wait,
167
00:06:32,648 --> 00:06:33,828
- wait, wait.
- Wait? Wait for what?
168
00:06:33,853 --> 00:06:35,796
I'm not... I'm not having
an affair. I love you.
169
00:06:36,210 --> 00:06:37,413
On our wedding day?
170
00:06:37,438 --> 00:06:39,210
- Shh, calm down, calm down.
- Oh, Brett!
171
00:06:39,235 --> 00:06:40,695
Let's talk about this, okay?
172
00:06:40,918 --> 00:06:43,367
Calm down. Okay?
173
00:06:43,530 --> 00:06:45,189
Is that a real-life hooker?
174
00:06:45,214 --> 00:06:46,521
- Excuse me?
- No.
175
00:06:46,546 --> 00:06:48,389
- Then, who is it?
- Hey, look at me, look at me.
176
00:06:48,414 --> 00:06:50,236
It was nothing. Look, a leftover
177
00:06:50,261 --> 00:06:51,345
from the bar last night,
178
00:06:51,346 --> 00:06:52,467
a last hurrah.
179
00:06:55,221 --> 00:06:56,772
It is out of my system now,
180
00:06:57,121 --> 00:07:00,319
and we are getting married today.
181
00:07:00,549 --> 00:07:01,997
We're going to St. Barts tomorrow
182
00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:03,803
because, Amanda Klein, you...
183
00:07:03,980 --> 00:07:05,928
you make my life complete.
184
00:07:13,524 --> 00:07:15,217
It's "you complete me," ...
185
00:07:29,430 --> 00:07:30,430
Oh...
186
00:07:43,415 --> 00:07:44,415
Ugh!
187
00:07:50,356 --> 00:07:51,519
Congratulations!
188
00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:52,965
She's not answering,
189
00:07:52,990 --> 00:07:55,269
but I think the wedding is probably off.
190
00:07:55,294 --> 00:07:57,469
Because of a little oral? Oh, please.
191
00:07:57,494 --> 00:07:58,840
If I called off every
wedding because of that...
192
00:07:58,865 --> 00:07:59,902
Not now, Mom.
193
00:07:59,927 --> 00:08:01,140
Wait, who is this bitch?
194
00:08:01,165 --> 00:08:02,285
Do we know her?
195
00:08:02,310 --> 00:08:03,684
We know some very horrible people.
196
00:08:03,709 --> 00:08:05,895
I don't know, and I don't care.
197
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:08,559
What I do care about is
that, according to Brett,
198
00:08:08,584 --> 00:08:10,149
Amanda assaulted the hooker,
199
00:08:10,174 --> 00:08:12,259
and now there may be a legal situation.
200
00:08:12,260 --> 00:08:14,176
- Drama.
- Oh, for God's sake,
201
00:08:14,201 --> 00:08:16,161
how badly was this woman hurt?
202
00:08:16,186 --> 00:08:17,781
Joel treated her immediately after
203
00:08:17,806 --> 00:08:19,475
and says she has a concussion,
204
00:08:19,476 --> 00:08:21,226
and based on the angle of how she fell,
205
00:08:21,227 --> 00:08:25,064
I guess... she bit off
the tip of her tongue.
206
00:08:25,065 --> 00:08:26,190
Aw, gross.
207
00:08:26,191 --> 00:08:27,775
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, that's disgusting.
208
00:08:27,776 --> 00:08:31,070
And... she swallowed it.
209
00:08:31,095 --> 00:08:32,107
- Ugh!
- Holy...
210
00:08:32,132 --> 00:08:34,175
How many Weight Watchers points is that?
211
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:36,133
Well, it's not Amanda's fault
212
00:08:36,158 --> 00:08:38,254
that that hooker bit off her own tongue.
213
00:08:38,279 --> 00:08:39,489
It might be.
214
00:08:39,537 --> 00:08:40,879
Come on!
215
00:08:50,296 --> 00:08:51,910
Oh, God.
216
00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:11,986
Oh, God.
217
00:09:20,833 --> 00:09:23,559
Okay. Okay.
218
00:09:26,834 --> 00:09:27,848
It's okay.
219
00:09:29,296 --> 00:09:30,296
It's okay.
220
00:09:33,405 --> 00:09:34,730
Oh, no.
221
00:09:37,023 --> 00:09:38,223
Oh, no. My phone.
222
00:09:39,930 --> 00:09:41,129
My phone.
223
00:10:08,705 --> 00:10:11,176
Ugh, theme wedding.
224
00:10:27,910 --> 00:10:30,622
Excuse me, Father, I could
really use some water.
225
00:10:30,647 --> 00:10:32,191
Pretty lady, thou looks like
226
00:10:32,192 --> 00:10:33,776
thou couldst use a drink.
227
00:10:33,801 --> 00:10:34,801
Here.
228
00:10:37,232 --> 00:10:39,277
Aye, miss. It's the Devil's brew,
229
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:41,408
fire from the Scots, not
for the faint of heart.
230
00:10:41,433 --> 00:10:44,127
- Water?
- Oh, yeah, here, child.
231
00:10:50,581 --> 00:10:52,202
Is this beer?
232
00:10:52,227 --> 00:10:54,772
That's a fine ale to wash
down the Devil's brew.
233
00:10:54,797 --> 00:10:56,321
Look, I really need a phone.
234
00:10:56,346 --> 00:10:57,549
It's kind of an emergency.
235
00:10:57,550 --> 00:10:58,592
Phone?
236
00:10:58,593 --> 00:11:00,924
Now, what be a phone?
237
00:11:03,472 --> 00:11:10,159
This must be some wedding,
because you... are wasted.
238
00:11:10,455 --> 00:11:12,643
For sooth most verily...
239
00:11:13,924 --> 00:11:15,463
Yeah, I am, I am.
240
00:11:21,657 --> 00:11:25,994
? Landlord, fill the flowing
bowl until it doth run over ?
241
00:11:25,995 --> 00:11:30,290
? Landlord, fill the flowing
bowl until it doth run over ?
242
00:11:30,291 --> 00:11:32,543
? For tonight we'll merry be ?
243
00:11:32,544 --> 00:11:34,711
? For tonight we'll merry be ?
244
00:11:34,712 --> 00:11:36,463
? For tonight we'll merry be ?
245
00:11:36,464 --> 00:11:38,799
Why wasn't I shown this site?
246
00:11:38,831 --> 00:11:41,065
? Tomorrow we'll be sober ?
247
00:11:41,189 --> 00:11:43,066
? Here's to the man drinks water pure ?
248
00:11:43,091 --> 00:11:45,823
? And goes to bed quite sober ?
249
00:11:46,156 --> 00:11:48,682
Probably had to use the
in-house catering, right?
250
00:11:48,707 --> 00:11:50,619
Uh, beg thy pardon?
251
00:11:50,994 --> 00:11:52,815
Oh, I'm on the bride's side.
252
00:11:54,356 --> 00:11:55,356
Oh!
253
00:11:56,487 --> 00:11:57,793
Cry your mercy, mistress.
254
00:11:57,818 --> 00:11:59,027
No problem.
255
00:11:59,028 --> 00:12:00,445
Maybe it'll get the blood out.
256
00:12:00,446 --> 00:12:03,490
Please, do accept this
mead as recompense.
257
00:12:03,491 --> 00:12:05,409
Yeah, yeah. Whatever.
258
00:12:05,410 --> 00:12:07,286
? Here's to the man
who drinks strong ale ?
259
00:12:07,287 --> 00:12:09,580
? And goes to bed quite mellow ?
260
00:12:09,581 --> 00:12:12,166
? He lives as he ought to live ?
261
00:12:12,167 --> 00:12:13,917
I shall go get more.
262
00:12:13,918 --> 00:12:17,087
? He lives as he ought to live ?
263
00:12:17,088 --> 00:12:20,135
? And dies a jolly good fellow ?
264
00:12:20,507 --> 00:12:22,524
? Here's to the girl who steals a kiss ?
265
00:12:22,549 --> 00:12:25,705
Hey, can I use your phone?
266
00:12:27,291 --> 00:12:29,962
Ah, thou must mean the
little portrait maker
267
00:12:29,987 --> 00:12:31,351
I do carry with me.
268
00:12:31,352 --> 00:12:34,994
It doth also serve as a
carrier pigeon, know ye.
269
00:12:36,784 --> 00:12:39,541
? She'll never get another ?
270
00:12:40,068 --> 00:12:41,151
Holy...
271
00:12:41,879 --> 00:12:43,807
I don't know anyone's numbers.
272
00:12:44,775 --> 00:12:46,110
Beg pardon?
273
00:12:46,135 --> 00:12:47,610
No, I'm not kidding. I mean, I know...
274
00:12:47,635 --> 00:12:49,579
I know mine, but I
don't know anyone else's.
275
00:12:49,604 --> 00:12:50,704
Ah.
276
00:12:50,705 --> 00:12:52,247
How the hell are people
supposed to communicate
277
00:12:52,248 --> 00:12:53,624
without a phone?
278
00:12:53,625 --> 00:12:55,784
Do you not get it? I
do not have my phone.
279
00:12:57,144 --> 00:13:01,356
Ma'am, does thou need to see
the village apothecary perchance?
280
00:13:01,612 --> 00:13:03,675
Okay, your commitment to this theme
281
00:13:03,676 --> 00:13:05,719
is seriously, like, next-level.
282
00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:08,680
? For tonight we'll merry be ?
283
00:13:08,681 --> 00:13:13,141
? Drink, drink, drink, drink,
drink, drink, drink, drink ?
284
00:13:13,166 --> 00:13:16,463
? Tomorrow we'll be sober ?
285
00:13:24,369 --> 00:13:26,406
Well played, musicians,
286
00:13:26,407 --> 00:13:29,326
and well met, good gentles.
287
00:13:29,327 --> 00:13:34,581
I, your glorious queen, do
welcome thee, my subjects,
288
00:13:34,582 --> 00:13:38,119
gathered here at the end of
another day in Shropshire,
289
00:13:38,227 --> 00:13:42,580
where each summer I take
my progress, where mine...
290
00:13:43,024 --> 00:13:45,299
Oof, is she officiating?
291
00:13:45,424 --> 00:13:46,802
In the words of the bard,
292
00:13:46,803 --> 00:13:50,055
if music be the food of love, play on.
293
00:13:52,621 --> 00:13:55,452
William, please approach.
294
00:13:59,606 --> 00:14:01,688
Cute idea for the groom.
295
00:14:01,713 --> 00:14:02,901
Shh!
296
00:14:02,902 --> 00:14:05,070
Wilt thou provide us
with some parting words
297
00:14:05,071 --> 00:14:06,454
as the day ends?
298
00:14:06,479 --> 00:14:09,383
Ah, Your Majesty,
it would be mine honor.
299
00:14:09,408 --> 00:14:13,040
For you, England's most precious jewel.
300
00:14:13,065 --> 00:14:16,915
Hear, hear!
301
00:14:17,166 --> 00:14:19,471
One half of me is yours.
302
00:14:20,034 --> 00:14:22,969
The other half... yours.
303
00:14:22,994 --> 00:14:24,017
Thank you.
304
00:14:24,387 --> 00:14:26,608
Huh. "Merchant of Venice."
305
00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:28,659
The anti-Semitic play.
306
00:14:29,127 --> 00:14:32,447
- But romantic, flirty.
- Bravo, dear William.
307
00:14:32,634 --> 00:14:35,422
She's the bride. I got it now.
308
00:14:35,447 --> 00:14:38,375
I have penned yet another simple musing
309
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,400
- on thy royal life.
- Ooh.
310
00:14:42,316 --> 00:14:46,278
You may my glories and my state depose,
311
00:14:46,279 --> 00:14:48,739
but not my griefs.
312
00:14:48,740 --> 00:14:51,642
Still am I king of those.
313
00:14:52,494 --> 00:14:55,353
Ah, such true words.
314
00:14:55,806 --> 00:14:59,945
'Tis from my newest play,
entitled "Richard III."
315
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:03,369
Um, no, it's not.
316
00:15:03,627 --> 00:15:06,757
Dear maiden, that be
the bard of Avon himself,
317
00:15:06,758 --> 00:15:08,508
William Shakespeare.
318
00:15:08,509 --> 00:15:12,641
Okay, well, he be wrong about
hith owneth playeth, then.
319
00:15:12,666 --> 00:15:15,859
Please be quiet. Her
Majesty is speaking.
320
00:15:15,884 --> 00:15:17,102
Who, the bride?
321
00:15:17,127 --> 00:15:18,955
Sorry. Queen Elizabeth.
322
00:15:19,697 --> 00:15:21,938
Do not disrespect Her Majesty.
323
00:15:21,939 --> 00:15:23,857
Well, somebody ought to tell her
324
00:15:23,858 --> 00:15:26,134
that King Elizabeth isn't up on his...
325
00:15:26,611 --> 00:15:30,064
Dude. Shut up.
326
00:15:30,650 --> 00:15:33,383
Dude, you shut up, jack off.
327
00:15:33,408 --> 00:15:36,703
Who the hell are you anyway,
some strange, crazy pirate?
328
00:15:36,704 --> 00:15:38,038
Hey, you want to go?
329
00:15:41,115 --> 00:15:42,166
Hark!
330
00:15:44,025 --> 00:15:46,384
What be the meaning of this disruption?
331
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,901
Uh, uh... God save the queen!
332
00:15:50,926 --> 00:15:52,761
God save the queen!
333
00:15:52,762 --> 00:15:53,887
Jesus!
334
00:15:53,888 --> 00:15:55,336
Forgive us, Your Majesty,
335
00:15:55,361 --> 00:15:57,808
for this maid be most truly in her cups.
336
00:15:59,226 --> 00:16:00,477
You know it.
337
00:16:00,478 --> 00:16:02,020
Double-sided tape.
338
00:16:02,021 --> 00:16:05,065
Ah, a dear lost beggar's doxy.
339
00:16:09,146 --> 00:16:10,970
Look, ma'am.
340
00:16:12,469 --> 00:16:16,051
Quee... Sorry for interrupting
your little wedding here.
341
00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:17,259
Wedding?
342
00:16:18,001 --> 00:16:20,916
And whose nuptials might
we all be attending?
343
00:16:24,726 --> 00:16:25,727
Oh.
344
00:16:31,925 --> 00:16:35,387
Oh, my dear lost child,
345
00:16:35,388 --> 00:16:39,469
I am married first and
foremost to mine country,
346
00:16:39,494 --> 00:16:41,560
- mine England.
- Hear, hear.
347
00:16:41,561 --> 00:16:44,336
And this man hither be but
a consort of my high court.
348
00:16:44,361 --> 00:16:45,480
Okay, okay, fine.
349
00:16:45,481 --> 00:16:47,065
Consort. Don't consort.
350
00:16:47,182 --> 00:16:49,797
FYI, though, he doesn't know
what play his own quote's from.
351
00:16:49,822 --> 00:16:51,557
That is preposterous.
352
00:16:52,455 --> 00:16:55,750
God. Men, right?
353
00:16:55,775 --> 00:16:58,500
"I know this play I wrote so well."
354
00:16:58,525 --> 00:17:01,211
Or, or, "I got it
fully out of my system."
355
00:17:01,236 --> 00:17:03,875
Or, "It's your fault she's
all covered in blood, Amanda."
356
00:17:03,900 --> 00:17:07,680
So, even if this...
this... whatever this is
357
00:17:07,705 --> 00:17:09,211
is not a wedding,
358
00:17:09,236 --> 00:17:11,650
you should all know that men are pigs.
359
00:17:12,149 --> 00:17:13,483
And he's gay.
360
00:17:13,508 --> 00:17:14,759
She be right!
361
00:17:16,094 --> 00:17:18,235
About the play, I do mean.
362
00:17:18,260 --> 00:17:20,188
Such a wretched creature doth approach.
363
00:17:20,213 --> 00:17:22,625
Your Majesty, may I beg a boon?
364
00:17:22,650 --> 00:17:23,665
Why's he so gross?
365
00:17:23,690 --> 00:17:25,145
Speak, mud man.
366
00:17:25,146 --> 00:17:26,897
Seriously, you guys, is he homeless?
367
00:17:26,898 --> 00:17:30,571
I, man of mud, orator of dirt,
368
00:17:30,596 --> 00:17:34,165
hero and defender of
the most vile sludge...
369
00:17:34,190 --> 00:17:35,282
To it, creature.
370
00:17:35,307 --> 00:17:37,696
I, Sir Pizzle Humpsalot,
371
00:17:37,721 --> 00:17:40,619
do put forth that the verse
by William Shakespeare be,
372
00:17:40,620 --> 00:17:44,680
as the maid did say, not
in sooth from "Richard III."
373
00:17:44,705 --> 00:17:46,924
Aha! Told ya.
374
00:17:48,393 --> 00:17:53,555
Sir Humpsalot, which play
did Shakespeare then quote?
375
00:17:53,580 --> 00:17:54,966
"Henry V."
376
00:17:54,967 --> 00:17:56,438
- Nope.
- All right.
377
00:17:56,463 --> 00:18:00,955
And if I had my phone, I could prove it.
378
00:18:01,994 --> 00:18:04,143
Come hither, you.
379
00:18:05,729 --> 00:18:07,541
- Go.
- Go.
380
00:18:09,147 --> 00:18:10,650
Approach.
381
00:18:19,430 --> 00:18:21,111
What be thy title?
382
00:18:23,745 --> 00:18:25,213
Thy name.
383
00:18:26,369 --> 00:18:28,221
Amanda Klein.
384
00:18:28,697 --> 00:18:30,799
Stay not your tongue, woman.
385
00:18:31,018 --> 00:18:34,158
From which play doth the quote come?
386
00:18:34,775 --> 00:18:36,682
"Richard II."
387
00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:39,838
Uh, ffff.
388
00:18:40,276 --> 00:18:41,306
Ugh.
389
00:18:41,346 --> 00:18:43,979
The maid doth speak the truth.
390
00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,142
Huzzah!
391
00:18:46,143 --> 00:18:47,894
Huzzah!
392
00:18:52,706 --> 00:18:55,244
Well met, young maid.
393
00:18:55,393 --> 00:18:59,354
Now, if thou wouldst not mind...
394
00:19:00,541 --> 00:19:02,744
Her Majesty will now end the faire day.
395
00:19:02,769 --> 00:19:05,408
Copy. Got it. Sorry.
396
00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:08,005
Where's the bar?
397
00:19:08,107 --> 00:19:09,692
The pub be right this way.
398
00:19:09,717 --> 00:19:10,947
Thanks, Mr. Pizzalot.
399
00:19:10,972 --> 00:19:12,158
That be Humpsalot.
400
00:19:12,183 --> 00:19:13,299
Whatever.
401
00:19:13,334 --> 00:19:14,908
They have more of that mead stuff?
402
00:19:14,933 --> 00:19:16,596
It's like hard lemonade.
403
00:19:17,199 --> 00:19:19,415
Yeah. Barrels.
404
00:19:33,916 --> 00:19:35,447
What?
405
00:19:36,455 --> 00:19:37,667
Morning.
406
00:19:41,260 --> 00:19:42,768
I, uh...
407
00:19:43,938 --> 00:19:46,148
I'm gonna give you some space.
408
00:19:51,167 --> 00:19:53,775
Bright. So bright.
409
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:55,291
Hey, there.
410
00:19:56,416 --> 00:19:57,895
Uh, coffee?
411
00:19:59,753 --> 00:20:01,822
Yes, please.
412
00:20:14,849 --> 00:20:15,963
Thank you.
413
00:20:17,522 --> 00:20:21,174
So... where am I?
414
00:20:21,236 --> 00:20:22,690
At the fairgrounds...
415
00:20:22,897 --> 00:20:25,057
just outside of where
you passed out last night.
416
00:20:25,394 --> 00:20:26,690
Oh, good, good.
417
00:20:26,715 --> 00:20:28,377
Right. The fairgrounds.
418
00:20:33,327 --> 00:20:35,697
Did I...?
419
00:20:36,077 --> 00:20:38,783
- Did we...
- Whoa, you tried,
420
00:20:39,079 --> 00:20:40,079
but no.
421
00:20:40,104 --> 00:20:42,556
I make it a point to
not date-rape people.
422
00:20:42,715 --> 00:20:44,830
It's just one of my
personal philosophies.
423
00:20:44,855 --> 00:20:45,947
- Good.
- Yeah.
424
00:20:45,972 --> 00:20:48,072
Good. That's really good.
425
00:20:49,207 --> 00:20:51,291
And... And when you say "fairgrounds"...
426
00:20:51,316 --> 00:20:54,392
Ren Faire... where you bested
William Shakespeare himself.
427
00:20:54,729 --> 00:20:56,791
I mean, I got no beef
with Brian personally,
428
00:20:56,816 --> 00:20:59,205
but he can be a huge...
about historical accuracy.
429
00:20:59,230 --> 00:21:00,517
So that was kind of awesome.
430
00:21:00,542 --> 00:21:03,336
Right, at the wedding.
431
00:21:03,361 --> 00:21:05,377
At the Renaissance Festival.
432
00:21:06,511 --> 00:21:07,511
Wow.
433
00:21:07,663 --> 00:21:09,408
Sounds like you got
into Friar Woodruff's
434
00:21:09,433 --> 00:21:10,705
homemade Devil Scotch.
435
00:21:11,140 --> 00:21:14,205
Last time I had that, I woke
up in a boat on Lake Oswego...
436
00:21:14,637 --> 00:21:15,699
naked.
437
00:21:15,798 --> 00:21:16,966
Look, mud man...
438
00:21:16,991 --> 00:21:18,197
It's Pizzle Humpsalot,
439
00:21:18,679 --> 00:21:20,264
but you can call me David.
440
00:21:20,289 --> 00:21:22,416
Faire gates don't open till 10:00, so...
441
00:21:23,441 --> 00:21:24,441
David.
442
00:21:26,753 --> 00:21:28,796
I don't know what a
Renaissance Festival is.
443
00:21:28,821 --> 00:21:30,689
Also, I don't know any of
my family's phone numbers,
444
00:21:30,714 --> 00:21:32,721
and I seriously have to get
back to the Country Cottage...
445
00:21:33,022 --> 00:21:34,022
damn it.
446
00:21:34,674 --> 00:21:37,049
No, I can't go back there.
447
00:21:37,074 --> 00:21:38,978
Uh, you could e-mail.
448
00:21:39,591 --> 00:21:40,591
Huh?
449
00:21:40,616 --> 00:21:41,900
Electronic mail?
450
00:21:41,925 --> 00:21:43,658
The Wi-Fi on the grounds
is pretty terrible,
451
00:21:43,683 --> 00:21:44,869
but that's intentional, you know?
452
00:21:44,894 --> 00:21:46,564
Time period. Uh, but it's also why
453
00:21:46,589 --> 00:21:49,112
I have a router in the RV.
Easy now, she's first gen.
454
00:21:49,137 --> 00:21:50,635
I keep her in good condish.
455
00:21:52,023 --> 00:21:53,831
I guess I'll read the paper later.
456
00:21:53,856 --> 00:21:56,190
Please, you call the Post the paper?
457
00:21:56,460 --> 00:22:00,635
_
458
00:22:04,514 --> 00:22:05,776
You forget your login?
459
00:22:08,945 --> 00:22:11,385
So you've never heard of a Ren Faire,
460
00:22:11,410 --> 00:22:14,330
but you came to a Ren
Faire dressed in full garb.
461
00:22:14,355 --> 00:22:15,635
It was Monique Lhuillier.
462
00:22:15,660 --> 00:22:17,971
And then you schooled every Rennie there
463
00:22:17,996 --> 00:22:19,010
in "Richard II."
464
00:22:19,035 --> 00:22:20,307
Can I ask how that happened?
465
00:22:22,344 --> 00:22:24,370
I wrote a paper on "Richard II."
466
00:22:24,949 --> 00:22:26,276
English major at Vassar.
467
00:22:26,301 --> 00:22:28,387
And then you opened up an English store?
468
00:22:28,483 --> 00:22:30,034
- Funny.
- Thanks.
469
00:22:30,628 --> 00:22:32,128
So...?
470
00:22:32,153 --> 00:22:35,143
So now I write freelance
for upscale-lifestyle sites
471
00:22:35,530 --> 00:22:37,034
in English, so...
472
00:22:38,752 --> 00:22:41,479
You know, lifestyle, wellness,
473
00:22:41,504 --> 00:22:43,487
and, like, clean beauty?
474
00:22:43,756 --> 00:22:45,889
- Jade eggs for up your... ?
- Mm.
475
00:22:50,041 --> 00:22:51,139
What's a Rennie?
476
00:22:51,398 --> 00:22:54,412
A Rennie is a person who works
at a Renaissance Festival.
477
00:22:55,052 --> 00:22:57,872
Like how a carny is a person
who works at a carnival.
478
00:22:57,897 --> 00:22:59,764
- Okay.
- Or a druggie is a person
479
00:22:59,789 --> 00:23:00,881
who works at a carnival.
480
00:23:04,871 --> 00:23:07,600
So, what?
481
00:23:07,625 --> 00:23:09,967
You guys all pretend
to be Queen Elizabeth
482
00:23:09,992 --> 00:23:12,342
and run around and drink with nerds?
483
00:23:14,192 --> 00:23:15,584
You have anywhere to be this morning?
484
00:23:24,984 --> 00:23:26,653
This is ringing a bell now.
485
00:23:26,678 --> 00:23:28,217
Yeah, parade should begin in a few.
486
00:23:28,242 --> 00:23:30,687
- Parade?
- But what parade can compare
487
00:23:30,712 --> 00:23:33,172
to the festivities within
filthy hearts and loins,
488
00:23:33,197 --> 00:23:34,273
eh, clean maiden?
489
00:23:34,298 --> 00:23:35,601
On the clock now. Got it.
490
00:23:35,626 --> 00:23:38,656
Uh, meet my best mates
and fellow muddy beggars,
491
00:23:38,681 --> 00:23:40,952
Shart O'Belly and Stick.
492
00:23:40,977 --> 00:23:42,538
Goodly day for a goodly woman
493
00:23:42,563 --> 00:23:45,359
to be embraced by a goodly mud beggar!
494
00:23:45,384 --> 00:23:46,413
Back it up.
495
00:23:47,053 --> 00:23:48,638
Shart is it?
496
00:23:48,663 --> 00:23:51,695
Aye. I was christened "Shart" in 1565.
497
00:23:51,770 --> 00:23:53,304
See, I went to simply break wind,
498
00:23:53,329 --> 00:23:55,484
but when I bent over
and spread me cheeks...
499
00:23:55,509 --> 00:23:57,929
Uh, mayhap save the
detail for another time,
500
00:23:57,954 --> 00:23:59,273
most beloved Shart?
501
00:24:02,457 --> 00:24:03,468
Stick.
502
00:24:04,180 --> 00:24:06,851
I hope thou whilst attend our mud show
503
00:24:06,876 --> 00:24:09,593
at Froggy Bottom Mud
Pit at noon o'clock.
504
00:24:09,618 --> 00:24:12,827
Nay, Pizzle! Nay, nay, nay!
505
00:24:12,852 --> 00:24:15,671
Let the lass come
to the Wash Pit instead
506
00:24:15,696 --> 00:24:16,984
to see my show.
507
00:24:17,009 --> 00:24:21,748
It hath love, loss,
and, of course, laundry!
508
00:24:22,125 --> 00:24:23,545
Are you a mud beggar, too?
509
00:24:23,570 --> 00:24:24,787
Quite the opposite, really.
510
00:24:24,812 --> 00:24:26,864
- Please meet Prunella Bubblebottom...
- Whoo!
511
00:24:26,889 --> 00:24:28,207
Washer Wench.
512
00:24:29,941 --> 00:24:30,941
Oh.
513
00:24:33,376 --> 00:24:36,634
Thou hath had a tear
recently upon thy cheek.
514
00:24:37,914 --> 00:24:41,209
What ails thee, my fairest,
most prepossessing friend?
515
00:24:41,234 --> 00:24:42,944
God save the Queen!
516
00:24:42,969 --> 00:24:45,048
- Redhead.
- What's happening?
517
00:24:45,073 --> 00:24:46,368
Her Majesty awaits.
518
00:24:46,393 --> 00:24:48,728
Surely the good mistress
remembers Queen Elizabeth
519
00:24:48,753 --> 00:24:52,001
and her most trusted
courtier, William Shakespeare?
520
00:24:52,026 --> 00:24:54,939
Shakespeare was never, like,
in Elizabeth's court, you know.
521
00:24:55,331 --> 00:24:57,665
Make way for the Royal Court.
522
00:25:04,382 --> 00:25:06,806
She definitely remembers me.
523
00:25:07,431 --> 00:25:08,954
I'll see you at the show, mistress.
524
00:25:09,832 --> 00:25:11,611
Aye, aye, Captain.
525
00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:14,314
Stick, stick.
526
00:25:21,501 --> 00:25:24,454
_
527
00:26:16,836 --> 00:26:18,170
Make way!
528
00:26:18,203 --> 00:26:20,422
Whoo-hoo!
529
00:26:21,150 --> 00:26:22,719
I found him!
530
00:26:22,980 --> 00:26:25,157
I met my husband!
531
00:26:26,603 --> 00:26:28,453
Thank you!
532
00:26:28,478 --> 00:26:29,981
What's your name?
533
00:26:34,713 --> 00:26:36,399
Huzzah!
534
00:26:43,016 --> 00:26:44,899
Let's start the bidding at 10!
535
00:27:13,436 --> 00:27:15,125
Huzzah for the tipper!
536
00:27:15,150 --> 00:27:16,664
Hey, hi. Excuse me.
537
00:27:16,845 --> 00:27:18,352
Do you know where the mud pit is?
538
00:27:18,377 --> 00:27:20,039
Hey ho, dear friend.
539
00:27:20,064 --> 00:27:22,336
So, you and Pizzle?
540
00:27:22,361 --> 00:27:24,405
Oh, no, no, no. We are not... we didn't.
541
00:27:24,430 --> 00:27:25,723
We... no.
542
00:27:25,748 --> 00:27:27,102
You're wearing his chemise.
543
00:27:27,127 --> 00:27:30,828
That shirt has seen a
lot of morning-afters.
544
00:27:31,035 --> 00:27:32,156
No judgment.
545
00:27:32,181 --> 00:27:33,808
And if I might say,
546
00:27:33,833 --> 00:27:36,891
thou art one of the loveliest ladies
547
00:27:36,916 --> 00:27:38,773
who has ever donned these threads.
548
00:27:38,798 --> 00:27:39,852
I'm not a lovely lady.
549
00:27:39,877 --> 00:27:41,719
I'm just a lady who needed a shirt
550
00:27:41,744 --> 00:27:42,891
that wasn't covered in blood.
551
00:27:42,916 --> 00:27:46,461
May I escort thee to Ye
Olde Costume Rental Shoppe?
552
00:27:46,486 --> 00:27:47,961
You can be anything you want to be,
553
00:27:48,063 --> 00:27:50,648
from a fair maiden to a fish wife.
554
00:27:50,673 --> 00:27:51,727
Don't go near the hats.
555
00:27:51,752 --> 00:27:53,906
There are wee beasties
that live within them.
556
00:27:54,653 --> 00:27:55,653
Lice.
557
00:27:55,779 --> 00:27:57,773
No, there will be no costumes.
558
00:27:57,798 --> 00:27:59,172
I don't even know why I'm still here.
559
00:27:59,197 --> 00:28:01,700
The faire does that to people.
560
00:28:01,868 --> 00:28:04,117
I came for one day five years ago
561
00:28:04,323 --> 00:28:05,323
and never left.
562
00:28:05,596 --> 00:28:06,931
Prunella!
563
00:28:06,956 --> 00:28:08,742
My goodly sister.
564
00:28:08,767 --> 00:28:10,313
- New bit. Check this out.
- Okay.
565
00:28:10,338 --> 00:28:12,462
Mistress, hast thou seen
566
00:28:12,487 --> 00:28:14,656
our great Queen Elizabeth's cousin,
567
00:28:14,681 --> 00:28:16,540
the one she doth detest?
568
00:28:17,063 --> 00:28:18,063
Um...
569
00:28:18,088 --> 00:28:20,790
The one our good Queen
Bess hath banished?
570
00:28:21,539 --> 00:28:22,602
Uh...
571
00:28:22,917 --> 00:28:23,922
Last name Stuart?
572
00:28:23,947 --> 00:28:25,431
Oh, uh, Mary, Queen of Scots.
573
00:28:25,456 --> 00:28:27,087
Have you seen her undergarments?
574
00:28:27,112 --> 00:28:29,181
More like Mary, Queen of Spots.
575
00:28:31,192 --> 00:28:32,776
Ooh, it needs work.
576
00:28:32,801 --> 00:28:33,899
- Fair.
- Yeah.
577
00:28:34,299 --> 00:28:35,469
If you're looking for David,
578
00:28:35,494 --> 00:28:36,954
the mud pit's thataway.
579
00:28:37,376 --> 00:28:39,446
Thank you. It was cute.
580
00:28:40,413 --> 00:28:41,727
- One of David's?
- Mm.
581
00:28:41,752 --> 00:28:42,884
New flavor for him.
582
00:28:43,274 --> 00:28:45,907
She smells like marzipan. Ah!
583
00:28:47,273 --> 00:28:49,477
Mary, Queen of Farts.
584
00:28:56,905 --> 00:28:57,905
Oh.
585
00:28:59,547 --> 00:29:00,571
Pray tell.
586
00:29:00,728 --> 00:29:02,938
Oh, pray your forgiveness.
587
00:29:02,963 --> 00:29:04,196
No worries. Go ahead.
588
00:29:04,668 --> 00:29:07,243
Hi. 'Tis you.
589
00:29:07,268 --> 00:29:10,181
- Sir Bo.
- It's you guys. Again.
590
00:29:10,206 --> 00:29:12,876
Miss, please, I have no more ducats
591
00:29:12,901 --> 00:29:14,134
for which to buy thee libations.
592
00:29:14,159 --> 00:29:17,985
No, no, no, no, no. I...
I am done with libations.
593
00:29:18,830 --> 00:29:19,993
I'm leaving soon.
594
00:29:20,121 --> 00:29:22,623
Well, would you care to sit
with us for the mud show?
595
00:29:22,678 --> 00:29:24,345
'Tis most fun in the front,
596
00:29:24,370 --> 00:29:26,485
where one could get bespotted with mud.
597
00:29:27,389 --> 00:29:28,389
I'm good.
598
00:29:28,908 --> 00:29:30,087
You guys go ahead.
599
00:29:30,857 --> 00:29:32,673
Aye, then. Well met.
600
00:29:32,698 --> 00:29:33,892
Fare thee well.
601
00:30:04,858 --> 00:30:05,954
To be...
602
00:30:07,244 --> 00:30:08,423
or not to be?
603
00:30:09,663 --> 00:30:11,102
That is the question.
604
00:30:12,306 --> 00:30:14,931
Whether 'tis nobler
in the mind to suffer
605
00:30:15,447 --> 00:30:18,540
the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune
606
00:30:18,664 --> 00:30:20,541
- or to take...
- Oi!
607
00:30:20,641 --> 00:30:25,009
Did I hear someone out here
say, "To pee or not to pee"?
608
00:30:25,034 --> 00:30:28,204
How now it be Sir Shart O'Belly
609
00:30:28,229 --> 00:30:30,856
and faithful companion Stick.
610
00:30:30,881 --> 00:30:31,931
Stick!
611
00:30:37,870 --> 00:30:39,580
I may have said "to be,"
612
00:30:39,605 --> 00:30:42,540
but what I meant was, to pee!
613
00:30:46,606 --> 00:30:49,485
Get this whizzle out my Pizzle!
614
00:31:04,652 --> 00:31:07,071
I'm, uh, sorry about the mud, milady.
615
00:31:07,526 --> 00:31:09,493
Listen, Humpsalot, I need an Uber.
616
00:31:10,992 --> 00:31:12,962
I mean...
617
00:31:12,987 --> 00:31:14,821
canst thou send a carriage
618
00:31:14,846 --> 00:31:17,337
to ferry me the "F"
out of here, prithee?
619
00:31:17,362 --> 00:31:19,587
That's, uh... that's not
bad with the vernacular.
620
00:31:20,382 --> 00:31:25,517
Sir Humpsalot, thy performance
was most glorious on this day.
621
00:31:25,542 --> 00:31:28,563
Aye, aye. Thy "Hamlet" is only second
622
00:31:28,588 --> 00:31:31,157
- to that of Richard Burbage.
- Indeed.
623
00:31:31,182 --> 00:31:34,071
My most deep and glorious thank-thees.
624
00:31:34,096 --> 00:31:35,704
Who are you two even supposed to be?
625
00:31:35,812 --> 00:31:38,595
I be Lady Jenny Miller from Rochester.
626
00:31:38,620 --> 00:31:41,220
And I be Sir Bo Kapinski of Utica.
627
00:31:41,324 --> 00:31:43,595
But those aren't real
historical figures.
628
00:31:43,620 --> 00:31:45,696
Nay, milady. They do not work here.
629
00:31:46,154 --> 00:31:47,954
Wait. What?
630
00:31:47,979 --> 00:31:50,565
Nay, nay, nay. We attend the faire.
631
00:31:50,590 --> 00:31:53,051
We seek pleasure, not employment.
632
00:31:53,165 --> 00:31:54,415
I'm in I.T.
633
00:31:54,440 --> 00:31:55,665
Dental hygienist.
634
00:31:56,005 --> 00:31:57,204
Playtrons.
635
00:31:58,065 --> 00:32:00,438
Play... trons.
636
00:32:01,109 --> 00:32:03,126
We must off to the joust.
637
00:32:03,151 --> 00:32:04,306
Fare thee well.
638
00:32:10,304 --> 00:32:13,126
What kind of people dress
up and talk like that
639
00:32:13,151 --> 00:32:14,720
when they don't even work here?
640
00:32:15,179 --> 00:32:17,337
Well, mistress, uh, what can I say?
641
00:32:17,852 --> 00:32:20,188
It be their... leidenschaft.
642
00:32:20,226 --> 00:32:21,352
Their what now?
643
00:32:21,384 --> 00:32:23,759
It's German for passion.
644
00:32:24,118 --> 00:32:26,618
Then why didn't you just say "passion"?
645
00:32:28,017 --> 00:32:29,185
I was a double major...
646
00:32:29,210 --> 00:32:30,649
art history and German.
647
00:32:30,674 --> 00:32:32,438
- Ah.
- I went to SUNY Purchase.
648
00:32:34,784 --> 00:32:36,574
You never asked.
649
00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:45,051
Oh, well, I'm sorry. I've kind
of been hit with a lot recently.
650
00:33:11,953 --> 00:33:12,953
I get it.
651
00:33:13,211 --> 00:33:14,885
I didn't play "Dungeons & Dragons,"
652
00:33:14,910 --> 00:33:16,987
and somehow that makes
me a bully, right?
653
00:33:17,012 --> 00:33:18,805
Well, guess what? I
don't need to pretend
654
00:33:18,830 --> 00:33:20,440
to be somebody else to have a good time.
655
00:33:20,465 --> 00:33:22,034
Well, perhaps this pretending
656
00:33:22,059 --> 00:33:23,729
be more authentic to who they are
657
00:33:23,754 --> 00:33:26,104
than what thou dost believe
is so real out there.
658
00:33:26,393 --> 00:33:27,839
What would you know about it?
659
00:33:27,864 --> 00:33:30,050
You mix Shakespeare with
fart jokes for a living.
660
00:33:30,075 --> 00:33:31,128
Aha!
661
00:33:31,153 --> 00:33:32,628
Thou hast been paying attention.
662
00:33:32,653 --> 00:33:35,740
Oh, God save the queen!
663
00:33:35,765 --> 00:33:37,729
God save the queen!
664
00:33:38,703 --> 00:33:39,703
Again?
665
00:33:39,728 --> 00:33:42,106
Good lady, please step aside.
666
00:33:42,131 --> 00:33:44,104
I'm expected at the joust.
667
00:33:44,129 --> 00:33:45,878
Here we go.
668
00:33:46,476 --> 00:33:48,526
Do I detect a hint of defiance
669
00:33:48,551 --> 00:33:50,636
against Her Majesty the Queen?
670
00:33:50,661 --> 00:33:52,456
Nay, girl. I was just going.
671
00:33:52,481 --> 00:33:55,034
Too bad our Lord
Executioner, Lady Helen,
672
00:33:55,059 --> 00:33:57,089
did not attend the faire on this day.
673
00:33:57,581 --> 00:33:59,198
We could've had a public flogging.
674
00:34:02,209 --> 00:34:03,893
Not to, again,
675
00:34:03,918 --> 00:34:06,713
point out a hole in your
little reenactment here,
676
00:34:06,738 --> 00:34:09,229
but you do know that
there never would've been
677
00:34:09,254 --> 00:34:11,901
a female Lord Executioner
in your time, right?
678
00:34:12,051 --> 00:34:14,362
Well, as I'm the most
powerful woman in the land,
679
00:34:14,387 --> 00:34:15,432
mayhaps anything is...
680
00:34:15,457 --> 00:34:18,245
- Was.
- Is possible.
681
00:34:18,353 --> 00:34:20,448
I could lead the flogging, my queen.
682
00:34:20,473 --> 00:34:24,690
Nay. Sadly, Lady Helen holds
the key to the prop shed.
683
00:34:25,353 --> 00:34:27,647
- Where be she anyway?
- Mayhap she decided
684
00:34:27,672 --> 00:34:29,425
that this particular Queen Elizabeth
685
00:34:29,450 --> 00:34:31,604
be a wit too aggro to deal with.
686
00:34:31,629 --> 00:34:34,800
Ugh, Amanda. Thank God.
687
00:34:35,016 --> 00:34:37,221
- Erin?
- We were so worried.
688
00:34:40,165 --> 00:34:43,047
Why... Why... Why are you so dirty?
689
00:34:43,541 --> 00:34:44,695
And damp?
690
00:34:45,118 --> 00:34:46,711
And dressed like a poor?
691
00:34:46,945 --> 00:34:50,625
Well, I guess that would
be a fare the well for good.
692
00:34:51,585 --> 00:34:52,586
Courtiers.
693
00:34:55,150 --> 00:34:56,382
Good riddance.
694
00:34:56,539 --> 00:34:58,164
"Troilus and Cressida."
695
00:34:59,736 --> 00:35:00,929
Google it.
696
00:35:03,050 --> 00:35:05,468
Don't even want to know
what that was about.
697
00:35:05,493 --> 00:35:06,661
How did you find me?
698
00:35:06,741 --> 00:35:07,874
Oh.
699
00:35:08,095 --> 00:35:09,804
You mean after looking for you all night
700
00:35:09,829 --> 00:35:10,976
and calling the police
701
00:35:11,001 --> 00:35:13,726
and having to drug Mom more than usual?
702
00:35:13,797 --> 00:35:15,841
I saw the tricycle on
the side of the road.
703
00:35:15,866 --> 00:35:19,160
I thought you were dead until
I saw the themed-wedding people.
704
00:35:19,185 --> 00:35:21,218
I ran back and grabbed one
of your gifts from the suite.
705
00:35:21,243 --> 00:35:22,484
I can't show up to a
wedding empty-handed.
706
00:35:22,509 --> 00:35:23,719
Erin, it's not a wedding.
707
00:35:23,744 --> 00:35:25,162
It's a... It's a Ren Faire,
708
00:35:25,187 --> 00:35:26,898
a Renaissance Festival.
709
00:35:27,679 --> 00:35:29,312
I don't know what you mean,
but you'll tell me later.
710
00:35:29,337 --> 00:35:30,880
- Let's go.
- Stick.
711
00:35:30,905 --> 00:35:32,031
- What are you doing?
- Erin, it's fine.
712
00:35:32,056 --> 00:35:33,148
Stick. Stick!
713
00:35:33,173 --> 00:35:34,211
Poke me again, weirdo.
714
00:35:34,236 --> 00:35:35,711
Stick, not now.
715
00:35:37,848 --> 00:35:39,218
What's with the stick?
716
00:35:39,899 --> 00:35:41,726
He's just trying to play with you.
717
00:35:41,831 --> 00:35:44,000
Play? Like mug?
718
00:35:44,025 --> 00:35:45,828
Well, he's... he's harmless.
719
00:35:45,853 --> 00:35:47,609
He's performing.
720
00:35:48,514 --> 00:35:50,297
What the... are you talking about?
721
00:35:51,189 --> 00:35:53,316
Listen, Mom called Dr. Bloom.
722
00:35:53,341 --> 00:35:55,134
She's waiting to see you in the city.
723
00:35:55,159 --> 00:35:56,703
We can be there in a few hours.
724
00:35:56,728 --> 00:35:59,242
People upstate are so overweight.
725
00:35:59,267 --> 00:36:01,007
Mom, I told you to wait out in the car.
726
00:36:01,032 --> 00:36:02,851
All right, time to cut the ..., dear.
727
00:36:03,735 --> 00:36:05,654
- Brett has been crying.
- Oh.
728
00:36:05,679 --> 00:36:08,680
Now, you'll go together to
Dr. Bloom, and you'll work it out.
729
00:36:08,705 --> 00:36:09,866
- Together?
- Mm-hmm.
730
00:36:09,891 --> 00:36:11,023
Mom, do you even know what happened?
731
00:36:11,048 --> 00:36:12,304
Oh, yeah,
732
00:36:12,329 --> 00:36:13,999
everyone knows what happened, darling.
733
00:36:14,024 --> 00:36:15,859
It meant nothing. One last hurrah.
734
00:36:15,884 --> 00:36:17,249
I see you got his side already.
735
00:36:17,274 --> 00:36:19,937
Guys like Brett don't just
show up on JSwipe every day.
736
00:36:19,962 --> 00:36:20,976
Trust me.
737
00:36:21,055 --> 00:36:22,991
You're playing this all wrong, dear.
738
00:36:23,016 --> 00:36:25,179
When Erin's father cheated on me
739
00:36:25,711 --> 00:36:27,457
I got a schooner.
740
00:36:27,535 --> 00:36:29,859
You're almost geriatric,
as far as fertility.
741
00:36:29,884 --> 00:36:31,594
I can hear your eggs cracking,
742
00:36:31,619 --> 00:36:34,070
and Erin's IVF put a real
dent in my safari budget.
743
00:36:34,095 --> 00:36:35,749
- Shut up, Mom.
- Well, it's true.
744
00:36:36,523 --> 00:36:39,929
Do you really want to throw
away everything you almost had?
745
00:36:42,526 --> 00:36:43,526
I...
746
00:36:45,512 --> 00:36:46,512
don't know.
747
00:36:52,685 --> 00:36:54,593
Okay, this place is skeeving me out.
748
00:36:54,794 --> 00:36:56,202
I did everything.
749
00:36:56,227 --> 00:36:57,227
What?
750
00:36:58,307 --> 00:37:00,644
Everything was the best.
Everything was perfect.
751
00:37:00,987 --> 00:37:02,550
- Well...
- And for what?
752
00:37:02,989 --> 00:37:04,972
So I could walk in on my perfect fianc�
753
00:37:04,997 --> 00:37:06,261
getting a perfect...
754
00:37:06,497 --> 00:37:08,714
an hour before my perfect ceremony?
755
00:37:09,279 --> 00:37:11,323
Or maybe so I can be
just like you, Erin...
756
00:37:11,348 --> 00:37:13,433
married and mean and
dragging my yoga ass
757
00:37:13,458 --> 00:37:15,669
to Balthazar every Sunday
with my bitchy friends
758
00:37:15,694 --> 00:37:17,316
so we can whine about private schools
759
00:37:17,341 --> 00:37:18,558
and how much we hate our husbands.
760
00:37:18,583 --> 00:37:19,776
I hate Balthazar.
761
00:37:19,801 --> 00:37:21,386
You hate everything!
762
00:37:21,623 --> 00:37:22,870
Mandy, darling,
763
00:37:22,895 --> 00:37:26,980
we can fix this without
anyone even knowing.
764
00:37:27,005 --> 00:37:28,831
Like good plastic surgery.
765
00:37:30,020 --> 00:37:32,745
Which we should talk about.
766
00:37:32,785 --> 00:37:35,276
Um, under chin.
767
00:37:39,179 --> 00:37:40,636
I think you're beautiful.
768
00:37:51,770 --> 00:37:53,784
I'm not going back with you.
769
00:37:54,580 --> 00:37:55,580
What?
770
00:37:58,327 --> 00:38:00,589
I'm staying. Here.
771
00:38:01,901 --> 00:38:04,480
Nay. Hither.
772
00:38:04,505 --> 00:38:06,816
Isn't this someone else's wedding?
773
00:38:06,841 --> 00:38:08,956
What do you mean? That's ridiculous.
774
00:38:09,191 --> 00:38:10,682
Maybe it is ridiculous.
775
00:38:11,349 --> 00:38:14,636
And maybe it's not perfect
for once in my life.
776
00:38:14,973 --> 00:38:16,642
And maybe if I don't go back with you,
777
00:38:16,667 --> 00:38:20,355
then... then... then m-maybe, uh...
778
00:38:21,492 --> 00:38:26,355
I'll... find my leidenschaft.
779
00:38:27,848 --> 00:38:30,393
Veyismir, she's speaking German.
780
00:38:30,418 --> 00:38:33,972
I wasn't gonna tell you this,
but people are mad, Amanda.
781
00:38:33,997 --> 00:38:36,458
Brett made a mistake,
but you made a mess
782
00:38:36,483 --> 00:38:37,659
and just ran away.
783
00:38:39,824 --> 00:38:40,824
Come on, Mom.
784
00:38:44,687 --> 00:38:46,769
You had such a nice prenup.
785
00:38:46,794 --> 00:38:47,800
Mom!
786
00:38:56,455 --> 00:38:57,737
Stick?
787
00:39:02,505 --> 00:39:03,816
Scotch?
788
00:39:21,094 --> 00:39:24,305
Mmm, God, that's good.
789
00:39:25,090 --> 00:39:27,641
It's so nice not to have
my mother mouthing at me
790
00:39:27,666 --> 00:39:29,852
across the table, "Stop eating."
791
00:39:29,877 --> 00:39:31,879
- That's awful.
- You think that's awful?
792
00:39:31,904 --> 00:39:34,336
She fired my favorite nanny
because she was too pretty.
793
00:39:35,689 --> 00:39:36,891
I loved Hilda.
794
00:39:37,490 --> 00:39:39,766
Oh, honey, of course you did.
795
00:39:39,791 --> 00:39:41,079
And Hilda loved you.
796
00:39:41,104 --> 00:39:42,522
This is like camp.
797
00:39:42,634 --> 00:39:45,688
I mean, it is camp. We camp.
798
00:39:45,713 --> 00:39:47,454
I was gonna be a counselor,
799
00:39:47,479 --> 00:39:49,852
but then I did a summer
immersion at the Sorbonne.
800
00:39:49,991 --> 00:39:52,266
I ate so much bread.
801
00:39:52,291 --> 00:39:54,585
And, oh, Tiffany blue accents.
802
00:39:54,610 --> 00:39:56,688
I got the sweetest little mason jars,
803
00:39:56,713 --> 00:39:58,071
and we just, like, set them around,
804
00:39:58,096 --> 00:40:00,180
and we had, like, a
citronella perimeter getting...
805
00:40:00,323 --> 00:40:01,555
it was gonna...
806
00:40:01,580 --> 00:40:03,040
it was gonna be really good.
807
00:40:03,065 --> 00:40:05,196
Erin thinks that she's so cool
808
00:40:05,221 --> 00:40:07,681
because she has a summer
house in the Hamptons.
809
00:40:07,706 --> 00:40:10,167
I mean, she's not even
north of the highway.
810
00:40:10,192 --> 00:40:11,649
You know, ma'am, I'm an alcoholic,
811
00:40:11,674 --> 00:40:13,055
and even I think you should slow down.
812
00:40:13,080 --> 00:40:14,165
Lightweight.
813
00:40:14,190 --> 00:40:16,399
So, you speak French.
814
00:40:16,424 --> 00:40:18,625
- Oui.
- I speak German.
815
00:40:18,650 --> 00:40:19,875
- Do you?
- Yeah, I told you.
816
00:40:19,900 --> 00:40:21,463
- I was a double major.
- Gotcha.
817
00:40:21,871 --> 00:40:24,462
Brett used to leave all these
teensy, tiny, little hairs
818
00:40:24,487 --> 00:40:25,704
all over the sink.
819
00:40:25,922 --> 00:40:27,837
Beard or pubes? Beard or pubes?
820
00:40:27,862 --> 00:40:28,868
I don't know which... I don't...
821
00:40:28,893 --> 00:40:30,186
I don't want to play that game.
822
00:40:30,293 --> 00:40:31,517
I love that game.
823
00:40:31,906 --> 00:40:33,634
Does he not love me anymore?
824
00:40:33,766 --> 00:40:35,392
Why does he not love me?
825
00:40:36,583 --> 00:40:38,095
Ah, I win.
826
00:40:38,127 --> 00:40:40,337
- Regret that immediately.
- Oh, yeah.
827
00:40:40,362 --> 00:40:41,603
I give great...
828
00:40:42,727 --> 00:40:44,064
I learned from a gay guy.
829
00:40:44,089 --> 00:40:45,966
I swirl under the helmet.
830
00:40:45,991 --> 00:40:47,087
I rule.
831
00:40:51,945 --> 00:40:53,610
Have you ever been in love?
832
00:40:55,143 --> 00:40:56,665
I have, yeah.
833
00:40:56,690 --> 00:40:57,853
Me, too.
834
00:41:02,414 --> 00:41:04,540
This doesn't end in an orgy, does it?
835
00:41:05,250 --> 00:41:06,985
Not on Sundays.
836
00:41:10,813 --> 00:41:13,314
Can you imagine biting
off your own tongue?
837
00:41:13,477 --> 00:41:14,915
She's been out since yesterday.
838
00:41:14,940 --> 00:41:16,915
Every summer, these
wild Ren Faire people
839
00:41:16,940 --> 00:41:18,400
get into all kinds of trouble.
840
00:41:18,555 --> 00:41:20,181
She had these business
cards in her pouch
841
00:41:20,206 --> 00:41:22,696
that said, "Ye Old Lord Executioner...
842
00:41:22,721 --> 00:41:24,485
for all of your torturous needs,"
843
00:41:24,728 --> 00:41:25,754
whatever that means.
844
00:41:25,779 --> 00:41:27,615
S&M, obviously.
845
00:41:28,714 --> 00:41:30,431
Ugh, nothing but losers,
846
00:41:30,456 --> 00:41:32,124
weirdos, and sex freaks...
847
00:41:32,149 --> 00:41:34,243
real fringy people, you know.
848
00:41:35,827 --> 00:41:37,243
I do love the turkey legs, though.
849
00:41:37,268 --> 00:41:38,895
Oh, sure. Everyone does.
850
00:41:38,920 --> 00:41:39,946
Mm.
851
00:41:41,845 --> 00:41:43,693
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com
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